Aragorn's Journal
by Princess Consuella Banana
Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to J.R.R. Tolkien, a fave author of mine, and to Cassieclaire, who might think I'm copying her ideas but I did write some of these before I read her stuff, which is much better!
Aragorn's Journal
Day One:
Have been brooding in bar for eight days now. Sigh - no friends, nowhere to go, and no girlfriend, if Elrond has anything to say about it. Little man made spectacle of himself with ring; was compelled to save him and his, erm, alternative partners from untimely death by Nazgul. Have decided to take them to Rivendell; will show Elrond that if I can manage hobbits I can manage his grandkids. Tucked hobbits safely into bed and told them nice story about evil Ring of Power. Found Ringbearer sleeping on floor in mad attempt to escape horny fat hobbit. Hope my kids don't turn out like this.
Day Two:
If one more high-pitched hobbit voice says "Are we there yet?" one more time, I will strangle it.
Day Three:
Tried to ditch hobbits on big rock. Came back when I smelled bacon, but apparently Nazgul were hungry as well. Big fight over crunchiest piece. Ringbearer stabbed; fat hobbit hysterical, bacon burned. All in all, a bad night.
Day Four:
Elrond will definitely NOT want me as a son-in-law when he sees state of hobbit. Fat one moaning over Ringbearer day and night; found other two making out in the bushes. This is out of my control.
Day Five:
Day is looking up! Arwen showed up and I dumped sick hobbit on her. It's like we're married already.
Day Six:
In Rivendell, happy place. Elrond most annoyed, but too busy caring for hobbit to care what Arwen and I are doing. Found Legolas spying on us, though, was most peeved. Threatened him with sword and now he's sucking up every chance he gets. Tee-hee.
Day Seven:
Arranged to meet Arwen for secret rendezvous by broken sword, but annoying Boromir was there and would not leave. Had to finally push him into sword and knock it over to get him to leave the premises.
Day Eight:
Apparently forgiven by Elrond, as was invited to secret meeting. Then again, meeting was not very exclusive, as Ringbearer and Boromir also invited. Boromir still mad about last night; had to sic Legolas on him. Still threatened, ha ha. Apparently fat hobbit some kind of mad stalker, since followed Ringbearer to meeting and volunteered for quest of some kind. Other two hobbits rushed out of bushes and signed up as well. God knows why their breeches were on backwards. Signed up myself after Elrond gave me pointed glare. Figure best to stay on his good side. Got to glare myself at Legolas, who then signed up, there's no way I'm leaving him alone with Arwen. Dwarf, obviously crushing on Legolas, signed up as well. Boromir too, am sure he did it just to annoy me. Wacko.
Day Nine:
Gimli and Legolas flirting outrageously, Merry and Pippin contemplating threesome with Boromir, Sam and Gandalf competing for Frodo's attention. I'm dying here.
Day Ten:
Stuck on Calhadras. Temper very short. Legolas and Gimli nancing about, giggling and braiding each other's hair. Gimli wants to detour and take "Legsie" home to meet the relatives. Gandalf disapproved. Boromir getting bored of Merry and Pippin, now obsessed with Frodo. Sam tried to kill him in his sleep, was distracted by bacon.
Day Eleven:
Gimli won when Frodo told Gandalf he wanted to take Moria exit. Honestly, what he says goes for gold with this bunch. Got to fight Watcher; most excellent outlet for pent-up energy.
Day Twelve:
Turns out dwarves all dead. Gimli cried, most off-putting. Seems Orcs have turned Moria into attractive mini-mall. Legolas spent forever in The Body Shop. Got a nice little number by Victoria's Secret for Arwen. Sam got a self-help book for stalkers when he thought no one was looking. In other news, fought troll and Orcs.
Day Thirteen:
Attacked by Balrog while trying to cross bridge. Toll most unreasonable, but I saw no reason to fight. Poncy old Gandalf, in desperation over Frodo, rushed us over the bridge and tried to fight Balrog. Fell into fiery pit of doom, had to grab Frodo to keep him from following suit. Frodo cried, Sam cried because Frodo cried, Merry and Pippin "cried" behind rocks, Legolas and Gimli forgot to be "enemies" and had a cuddly cry together. Boromir tried toget in on their action. Am feeling down.
Day Fourteen:
Stupid Gandalf, did I ask him to die and make me king? Why am I the leader all of a sudden?
Day Fifteen:
In Lothlorien. Legolas and Gimli had first fight when Haldir demanded that Gimli wear a blindfold and I told everyone to. I'm such a sucky leader. Of course, Haldir was happy about this, since he got to pinch Legolas' butt anonymously. Probably only reason for blindfold in first place. Haldir so obviously jealous. Entrusted Celeborn with delivering Arwen's gift, but may have been a mistake as I glimpsed Galadriel wearing it later. I wonder what she was doing in Frodo's tent?
Day Sixteen:
Have left Lorien by canoe. Feels like I am only one paddling, damn hobbits. Will kill Elrond for making me do this.
Day Seventeen:
When stopped for night, Boromir and Frodo had little rendezvous in the woods. Went to look for Frodo, but he was all hysterical, obviously something happened. Tried to calm him down, but seemed like a job for Sam. Although, goodness knows, Sam was probably watching.
Day Eighteen:
Attacked by Uruk-Hai. Not so fun, but they did kill Boromir. Grabbed all his gold under pretense of kissing goodbye. Merry and Pippin captured by Uruk-Hai, am sure they will be most happy to be alone together. Frodo and Sam off on some romantic getaway, probably Frodo's apology for the Boromir Incident. Felt like going back to Rivendell, but that would be risking the wrath of Elrond, I am sure. Have instead decided to accompany Legolas and Gimli on THEIR romantic vacay. They were most annoyed, but Legolas still owes me. I foresee dark times ahead.