More random strange stupidity.
Next... Another three.
Goldylocks and the three bears
(the gorified version)
Once upon a time... Now wait. Who's to say once was upon the time? Why couldn't it be once underneath a time? Let's try that again.
Once underneath a time, there was a cabin in the forest, which had somehow been built by bears. Three bears, more precisely. Three bears that liked to eat porridge. There was papa bear Saitou, mama bear Sanosuke, and baby bear Kenshin. Well one day, they let baby bear Kenshin cook their much-cherished porridge.
"Wait one minute!" said Sanosuke, who, by the way, was wearing a dress and a bonnet.
... I'm waiting. This better be good, cuz it's not in the script, you know.
"First off, doesn't it make more sense for a mother bear to be a woman?"
Yes, well it just so happens they were all too busy painting their nails to answer the phone. So you're stuck with it.
"Second, if you're going to force me to be mama bear, why can't somebody else be papa bear? Why can't papa bear be a woman, at least? I mean, honestly. Two guys can't have kids, nor would we try."
Meanwhile, at that comment, Saitou started looking rather sick.
"And besides, I'm older than Sanosuke, de gozaru... wouldn't it make more sense to have him be baby bear...?" Kenshin asked.
With that comment, Saitou looked absolutely disgusted and ran out of the room with his hand over his mouth.
"I guess Saitou doesn't like that idea too much."
THAT'S IT. TAKE TWO!
Well one day, they let baby bear Kenshin cook their much-cherished porridge.
"This porridge is too... um... hot..." said papa bear Saitou, not even touching the porridge and barely even looking at it.
"Let's go for a walk and see if we can lose the horrid cook in the forest. Then when we get back, we'll have some quality time alone togeth-- WAIT! WHO THE HELL WROTE THIS SCRIPT!?" said Sanosuke, hurling a crumpled piece of paper out the window. Saitou turned green again as he looked at his script.
"This is degrading."
TAKE THREE!
"Let's go for a flipping walk and see if we can lose the damned cook in the frikkin' forest. Then when we get back, THE PORRIDGE WILL NOT BE SO HOT ANYMORE AND WE CAN EAT IT," said mama bear Sanosuke, looking peeved.
"Snarl."
The three bears walked out the door. The idiotic baby bear Kenshin stupidly left the door hanging wide open, and Goldylocks Yahiko skipped right inside, singing happily and smiling. He skipped into the kitchen.
"Mmmmmm, porridge!"
Goldylocks Yahiko promptly devoured all the porridge, not caring whether or not is was hot or cold. He then skipped into the living room and found three chairs. He sat in the first one.
"Ooohhhh, back massage and temperature control!"
The chair spontaneously combust because Goldylocks Yahiko turned the temperature control up all the way. He then skipped to chair number two and sat down.
"This chair is too... Eek! It smells like B.O.!"
Goldylocks Yahiko left a butt-imprint in chair number two and went to chair number three, which turned out to be nothing more than a pillow on the floor.
"This chair is too... ground-level and un-chair-like."
When Goldylocks Yahiko left the pillow on the floor, a seam on the side burst and all the stuffing came out.
"I'm tired," said Goldylocks Yahiko. He went into the bedroom, and saw three beds (or futons... whatever they slept on in 1880 Tokyo. But let's not get technical please.). He looked at the first one.
"This bed looks evil." He sat on it and his butt burst into flames. He ran around screaming and sat on bed #2. It burst into flames. He dove onto bed #3 and fell asleep instantly.
Well, a few minutes later, papa bear Saitou came back into the house dragging the other two, both of them bleeding from the nose and mouth and both of them sporting black eyes and large bumps on their heads.
"Um... intermission?"
*whistling*
"The porridge is gone."
"Somebody ate all my porridge."
"My porridge is gone as well, de gozaru."
"Who cares? It probably would have tasted bad anyway."
"Hai."
They walked into the living room.
"Somebody's been messing with the temperature control on my chair."
"Somebody with a big butt sat in my chair."
"Somebody ate my pillow stuffing."
"I'm kinda mad now."
"Hai."
They walked into the bedroom.
"There's a scorch mark on my bed that resembles the butt mark in your chair."
"My bed is burning."
"My bed has a little kid on it."
"KILL IT!"
"HAI!"
Blood splattered everywhere as Goldylocks Yahiko and baby bear Kenshin's bed were both butchered brutally by papa bear Saitou's Gatotsu and mama bear Sanosuke's Futae no Kiwami.
"I'll never be able to sleep in this house again! Wahhh!!" said baby bear Kenshin. He jumped out the window, bawling his eyes out, and ran away.
"Owari," said mama bear Sano.
YOU HAVE MORE LINES!
"I refuse to say anything else referencing me being alone with Saitou in a romantic way."
Saitou turned green again.
"Owari."
Curtain.
Owari.
There, that one was a bit longer. Sorry, I just had to write one to torture Sano and Saitou... People seem to write yaoi fics pairing them, so I just had to torture them. I torture all popular yaoi pairs... But I never write anything more than torture. Anywho, dictionary:
de gozaru-that it is, etc.
hai-yes
owari-end
futon-a mattress thingy or something.