The tale of a bean

Jack and the Beanstalk

There was once this lady. Her name was Kaoru. She had a boyfriend. His name was Kenshin. They were very poor. They had a cow, and his name was Yahiko, but that wasn't helping them much, so one day Kaoru said, "Go sell this cow for a reasonable price at the market, lackey."

And Kenshin replied, "Yes ma'am." He left and took Yahiko to town, kicking and screaming. Kenshin walked up to a random man in the street and advertised his cow. This random man was cheap lil' liar Sanosuke.

"I'll tell you what, kid. I'll trade you these magical... eh... fishbones... for that scrawny cow."

"Noooooooo!!!" cow Yahiko screamed. Kenshin thumped him in the head with a wooden pole. Cow Yahiko passed out.

"Why are they magical?"

"If you throw them in a lake, they'll sprout into a giant... uh... seaweed-stalk, and at the top there will be a magical fish who lays solid golden eggs."

"Wow!!! It's a deal!"

Well, when Kenshin returned home, his girlfriend was less than pleased.

"YOU SOLD OUR LITTLE YAHIKO COW FOR FISHBONES? FISHBONES?! WHAT GOOD WILL BONES DO US?"

And she promptly threw them out the window. They landed in a miniature lake... about the size of a puddle... outside the window, and POOMF! instantly sprouted. Of course, Kaoru didn't notice cuz she was so ticked at Kenshin.

"NOW GO TEND TO THAT CHICKEN!"

"But miss Kaoru, we haven't got a chicken...!"

"WELL YOU'D BETTER GET OUR COW BACK THEN!"

Well, little Kenshin was scared out of his wits and ran outside, promptly running head-on into a giant seaweed stalk.

"Oro!?"

Well, little Kenshin started climbing up this giant water plant. After hours and hours, he finally, finally reached the top. He was surprised to see a humongous building the size of half of Tokyo.

"ORO! That man who I gave cow Yahiko to didn't mention anything at all about a giant building, that he most certainly did not!" Kenshin said. Then he shrugged. "Oh well. I can deal with it."

He squeezed under a crack in the door. He looked around and was surprised to see normal things like chairs were the size of a house. He oro-ed again and started walking, looking for the mythical golden fish. Suddenly he heard a booming voice.

"Free fries for rum! I smell the--"

That's not what the voice said.

"Well excuse me, authoress, but I can't read your handwriting!"

Fee fi fo fum.

"Oh, well then screw that! I'm not gonna walk around yelling meaningless syllables at the top of my voice!"

Oh, fine. Anyway, so Kenshin heard a voice that said...

"I smell the blood of a cowardly ex-battousai!"

And Kenshin started shaking in his... sandals. He looked around and saw a gimongous shadow on the wall and screamed bloody murder and hid under an oversized crumb. A second later, a huge, evil-looking man stepped into the room.

"Where are you, sniveling coward? I shall smite thee!"

"Holy cow! I climbed a stalk of seaweed up to heaven!" Kenshin yelped.

"Uh... sure you did. Anyway... SURRENDER OR BE SMITED! OR SMOTE. OR SOMETHING SIMILAR!"

"YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ME FIRST!"

Soooooooooo... the giant man, whose name was Saitou, pulled out a greatly oversized cigarette and lit up a majorly oversized match, and pulled an enormously oversized vacuum cleaner out of a hugely oversized closet in the hallway.

"ORO!" Kenshin yelped. He burrowed deeper under the crumb.

"Muwahahahaha!" giant Saitou laughed. He plugged in the enormously oversized vacuum and turned it on. He looked completely insane as he ran the machine over the stone floors of his castle, laughing insanely, waiting for the little 'thud' as the cowardly ex-battousai whose blood he'd smelled was sucked up into the vacuum. Well, he stopped, as suddenly he saw a splotch of purple where it shouldn't have been, and stomped on it.

Kenshin managed to survive by being small enough to feet between the traction grooves on the bottom of giant Saitou's overly oversized boot. Then he got up and made a break for it. However, after three seconds, he was trapped under a large glass jar. Before he knew it, he'd been jostled around a whole lot, and ended up sealed in the jar and set in a windowsill.

"Muwahahahahaha! Maybe the sunlight will hit the magnifying glass on top in such a way that you'll be disintigrated! And if it doesn't then you'll just die of oxygen deprevation when I fill that jar up with water later. Muwahahahahaha!" giant Saitou threatened. Then he walked away. Kenshin drew the sakabatou he carried with him (why the hell Kaoru hadn't told him to sell the sword rather than the cow is beyond me) and struck a fighting pose.

"HITEN MITSURUGI STYLE... *incoherent screams as the glass shatters*"

Kenshin then sprinted across the room and ran around like a lunatic until he finally found the golden fish. Unfortunately for him... It was giant, just like everything else in the place. Of course, Kenshin had super mega ultra strength and picked it up (why Kaoru didn't order him to enter a strength competition for a money prize instead of selling the cow is beyond me). He ran to the door, kicked it in an attempt to open it, but it didn't work, and he screamed in fear as suddenly he heard giant Saitou's voice again.

"What...?!"

Well, Kenshin, thinking he was being spotted, turned around to look at giant Saitou. Only, giant Saitou wasn't very giant anymore, and there was a teenage girl beside him with white angry pupiless eyes and fangs and a katana. Suddenly, a cloud of dust surrounded the two. When it cleared a second later, Saitou was lying on the ground with swirly eyes, a huge bump on his head, and his tongue hanging out of his mouth. The girl was standing over him laughing insanely.

"Muwahaha! Muwahahahahahahaha! That'll show you to mess with the almighty authoress!!! Muwahahahahahahahahahaha!"

"Oro?" Kenshin said.

"Hai... Um... Intermission?" the authoress said nervously, trying to hide Saitou's mangled carcass under a rug.

TAKE TWO.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" came giant Saitou's voice. With a squeak of fear, Kenshin rammed the gimongous fish through a hole in the door, jumped through after it, and dragged it toward the edge of the seaweed. Giant Saitou came running after him. Kenshin threw the fish off the edge, dived off after it, reached the ground first (screw the laws of gravity), cut the seaweed, and was walking back to catch the fish when he experienced the pain of having a 200 pound goldfish fall on top of him from 2 miles up and ram him into the ground, closely followed by a giant weilding a sword, and then, to top it all off, the entire giant seaweed stalk fell and rammed them all at least 2,000 feet into the ground.

When Kenshin was finally dug out from under all that stuff, the first thing Kaoru did was beat the living crap out of him with a wooden sword for waking her up. Then she forced him to clean the entire house until she could see her reflection in the walls. Then suddenly the giant fish started pooping out golden eggs and they got rich. They bought some really big shackles and made giant Saitou their slave. Poor Saitou. Then... They lived happily ever after. Until...

Giant Saitou got REALLY mad, and killed them all and destroyed half of Japan with his Gatotsu. Owari.

Well that was strange. See, I don't know the exact details of this story. Could you tell? Muwahaha. Anyway... I... uh... I forget. Bye.