Chapter 8
Kara rested, or tried to, but she never really made it to a true sleep. Part of the reason was the various aches and pains that were getting progressively worse. She seemed to hurt all over. The other part was sheer nerves. She was still shaking, and couldn't seem to stop. She was still cold, and she couldn't get warmed up. She was still terrified, even though she knew it was over. The dim interior of the unit made her nervous, with shadows everywhere and visibility limited. But she didn't want to be so simpering as to ask Lee to leave on a light.
Nothing had happened, she reminded herself again. Okay, she'd been pretty badly groped, but she'd been through nearly as much from a couple of her first dates. It was one of the reason that she had stopped going out until Zak had asked her. She didn't like being mauled by men. She was also relatively battered, but again it wasn't the first time. She'd been through enough fights as a child to make her quite familiar with bumps, bruises, cuts, and scrapes. So there was really no reason for her to be a basket case. There wasn't a reason, and yet that was exactly how she felt.
She was both grateful and resentful that Lee had been the one to come to her rescue. She was grateful of course because she trusted him with her life. He hadn't fussed, hadn't forced her back to the Galactica, and he hadn't said anything to either embarrass or blame her. He had been a perfect gentleman. She couldn't have asked for him to do anything differently.
But she hated that he knew what had been done to her. She hated that he had been the one to help clean the scrapes and bruises, and he'd had to ask her what more might have been done. He had seen her at her weakest, helpless and afraid, and a part of her couldn't help but resent that. She respected him beyond measure, and to think that his respect for her might be compromised somehow seemed worse than the attack itself.
It both did and didn't help that he hadn't left her side since. Of course, she had asked him not to. He was just doing what she'd wanted. And every time she thought about him leaving her alone she started to shake, yet she wasn't sure she wanted him here either. She didn't know what she wanted, except that she wanted it all to go away. All of it. Even him, just so long as he didn't leave her side.
But sleep would not come. Each time she thought it might, she jerked awake as her mind took off on another track. She was exhausted, and yet she was so wound up that she couldn't relax. Any other time, she would have just cuddled up with Lee and had him talk her out of being afraid. But she didn't know if she could stand even him touching her. It had been all she could do to tolerate his impersonal hands as he'd cleaned her off and bandaged her wounds. He had never been impersonal with her before, and it bothered her that he was now even as she understood his reasons. She just wanted him to take her in his arms and hold tight, and she wasn't sure she could hold herself together if she didn't because she had never felt so disconnected from people in general. She felt like she was slipping away. But if he touched her, she'd fly apart.
"You need to sleep," he told her softly. His voice was deep and solid. It was her anchor.
She didn't even reply. She knew she needed to sleep. Just as she had thought he wasn't going to push her, he was doing just that.
"Kara?"
If his voice hadn't been so gentle, so careful, she would have been furious.
"What?"
He was silent for just a moment, but she knew he wasn't done. "Can I do anything for you?"
And how could she be angry with that? "I don't know," she told him honestly.
"Would it Would it be easier to sleep if I laid down with you?"
She thought about that. He was currently sitting at the head of the mats, carefully not touching her but close enough that she could almost feel him there. It was a careful balance. A part of her wanted him next to her just because she had always felt so safe in his arms. Another part was afraid that if he touched her she'd lose her mind. She wanted the familiarity, but was afraid that she would hurt him or embarrass herself if she rejected him at this point. He had done so much for her, and he wanted to do more, but now she didn't have a clue what she needed.
"Kara?"
She let out the sigh that she'd been feeling. "I don't know," she admitted. "I can't sleep, and I'm miserable, and everything hurts, and I just want to make it all go away."
There was another stretch of silence, and then, "Scoot over," he said softly.
She did, moving to her side of the mat so he could lie down carefully beside her. He didn't touch her, just laid on his side next to her and watched her. She remained facing him, not quite comfortable turning her back although she couldn't have said why.
Very carefully and slowly he reached forward and brushed her bangs back out of her eyes, tucking them behind one ear as he always had. He had given her plenty of warning and time to back away, but the gesture felt right rather than threatening so she hadn't needed to. "You need a haircut," he said softly.
"Not a lot of stylists on the Galactica," she replied. "I've thought about going after it myself, just to get it out of my eyes."
"You could ask Carrie," he suggested. "She keeps most of us in regs."
"Yeah, with a buzz cut," she reminded him. "I like it short, not shaved."
He traced her hairline again with one finger, trailing it around the curve of her ear. She shivered slightly, but didn't back away. He had never hurt her. He would never hurt her. "I'm sorry about last night," he told her softly. "I was angry, and embarrassed, and it had nothing to do with you. I'm sorry I took it out on you."
She wondered why he was bringing it up now, when he should be yelling about her disregard of his instructions. But she decided that perhaps he'd been as scared tonight as she had been. "Don't worry about it," she told him almost absently. She didn't want to talk about it. She didn't want to remember it.
"We don't always have time to think in an emergency," he allowed. "And me on the floor is definitely an emergency. I should have been more understanding. You did the best you could."
She shrugged, not commenting.
"I said things that weren't true," he continued. "It wasn't luck that kept you with us when you were a kid, it was just meant to be. And it wasn't luck when you saved my butt in the attack. It was a skill that I'll never have. And it wasn't just luck when you dragged me back from that planet. It was raw determination, and I'm more grateful than you'll ever know. I'm sorry I deliberately tried to hurt you. I was just mad."
"It's fine."
"You did the best you could in a crappy situation," he corrected. "I can't blame you. Especially when I haven't given you much to work with lately."
She wished that he'd just let it drop. If she thought about what he had said, then she would think of what she had done. If she thought of what she had done, she had to face the results of those actions. She didn't want to think about it. She knew they would have to bring it up, but she didn't want to deal with it just now. She needed to forget for just a while.
"I'll talk to Salik when we get back about my leg," he told her. "It just doesn't have the stability that it should have."
She nodded her agreement, but didn't say any more. As much as she wanted a diversional topic, she couldn't seem to find something to last. In addition, he was still touching her, and she was now having to fight to stay still. This was Lee, she reminded herself for the tenth time. He wouldn't hurt her. He had never hurt her. His finger had trailed past one ear, gently down her neck and finally down one arm to grasp her hand in a feather light grip. She held her breath, knowing this was Lee and reminding herself even once more that he would never hurt her. She had no clue why she wanted to scream and run.
"Tell you what," he said gently as he held her cold fingers in his. "I don't have a clue what you need right now. All I want to do is put my arms around you and hold on, and I know that isn't the right thing to do. So how about this: I'm gonna roll over, and you can get as close as you want, or not. Just get comfortable, okay? You look so tired, and I just want you to get some rest tonight."
She would not cry. She wouldn't. Instead, she gave him a small nod. He gently brought her hand to his mouth, kissed her palm softly, and then let go to turn his back on her. She stayed where she was for a few minutes, but as always his body heat was an irresistible draw. She turned away from him, not sure why it was easier now to trust what was behind her. She backed up into his warmth and curled around herself to keep herself in one piece.
She jolted when she felt him move, but only felt the blanket fall across her as he reached down to tug it up over both of them. Slowly, their shared warmth began to surround her and she began to get a little drowsy. She was still afraid to fall asleep, frightened of what awaited her in the nightmares she was sure to have, but too tired to fight it any longer.
Kara awoke in a cocoon of warmth, her head resting on Lee's chest and his arms carefully encircling her. In sleep, she had wiggled into a familiar and comfortable position. She had a fuzzy feeling that something wasn't as it should be, but was too groggy to place it. She looked up at Lee, and was surprised to see him wide awake and looking down at her in the gray light that filtered through the unit's walls.
"Morning," she told him softly, placing her head back onto the solid warmth of his chest. She loved waking up like this. She always had.
"How do you feel?"
The question seemed out of place for a moment, but then she shifted a bit and was brought up short by the pain in her chest. She moved again, and a twinge went up her back. Another movement brought aching legs to her attention. The night rushed back into her memories with frightening speed. It hadn't been a bad dream. It had happened. All of it had happened. But in the light of day it didn't seem quite so close and she thought she could cope with it. At least, she hoped that she could.
"How do I look?" she asked instead of replying directly. She edged back away from Lee just a bit, moving so that she was beside him instead of on top of him, but not quite dislodging his arms. If he knew just how bad she felt, he'd have her back on the Galactica within the hour. She didn't want that.
"You really wanna know?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Probably not," she admitted. "I can't find anything that doesn't hurt."
"I'll check the med kit," he offered. "I'm sure there's something in there for pain."
"I might take you up on that," she agreed, edging just a few more inches back from his warmth. "But not right now."
He was looking at her oddly as she scooted back. His arms finally released her entirely and he put one hand under his head to prop himself up on one elbow and watch her. "Okay," he said softly.
They stayed that way for a while, neither moving nor speaking, next to one another but no longer touching, and just taking comfort from one another like the dozens of times they'd done this before. She might not have been as relaxed in the position as she had always been — her mind dashing and darting despite her efforts to calm it — but at least this was something she could associate as safe. She wished she could just crawl back into his arms, but she was scared to death to try it.
She also knew there were things he should be doing. She hadn't even asked him what had happened to the men involved the night before. She wished she could find it in her to care. There were probably a dozen places that Lee needed to be, a hundred things to get done. Right now, she just wanted him to herself. She wanted this comfort. She needed this safety. Just as he had when she had been seven and too stubborn to cry at the crash of thunder or flashes of lightening, he managed to keep the storm away by just being there. The rest of the world could just manage on its own for a while longer.
For his part, Lee wasn't acting restless. He seemed just as content to lie there next to her as she was to lie next to him. He wasn't saying anything, and there wasn't a lot in his expression that could tell her what he was thinking. She wanted some reassurance that he wasn't angry that she had pulled away, but she didn't know how to ask for it. She didn't really want to know anyway. She was afraid of the answer.
"Lee?"
"Hmm?"
"What are you supposed to be doing right now?"
He looked down to face her and she lifted her head to meet his eyes. "Taking care of you," he admitted sheepishly. "How am I doing."
"Pretty well," she admitted with a small smile. In fact, she couldn't think of anything more he could do to make the terror of the night before fade. Maybe holding her, but the idea frightened her as much as it reassured her. She decided to settle for this simple companionship separated by a clear six inches of space.
"I must be," he said softly as he reached forward to trace a finger over her lower lip. It took every bit of willpower she had not to pull away from even that gentle touch. "I was afraid it would be a long time before I saw that smile again."
She closed her eyes, not wanting to face the pain his words caused, and losing the smile he had referred to. She would be okay. She had to be okay. She couldn't let Lee lose any more than he already had.
"Have you reported back yet?" she asked, trying to change the subject from her uncertain emotions.
He shook his head. "I've been here," he admitted. "When you're up to walking to the Raptor, we'll take care of it then."
She frowned at that. "Shouldn't you be calling down the prison barge?" she asked.
He looked at her for a moment, but he didn't answer. She knew him well enough to know he wasn't telling her something, and fear began to edge in on the secure little circle he'd created around them. "Spit it out," she told him firmly.
"We have one man in custody," he admitted. "I'm sure you'll be able to tell us how involved he was whenever you're ready, and we'll go from there. Until then, we'll just keep him where he is. Security is back to doing their jobs, so all I need to do is stick around and oversee the operation. Dooler promised to come by if anything came up that he couldn't or wouldn't handle."
"One?" she asked, ashamed of the fear that had crept into her voice. Her own mind had nearly shut down when she'd heard that number. Oh God, they couldn't still be out there. "Lee, there was a lot more than one man there."
"I know," he said softly, his expression telling her that he had caught the vague panic in her voice. "They've been taken care of."
"Explain that," she demanded. She needed to know.
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, subtly his hand reaching towards her and then withdrawing before he touched her. She noticed. "Cops is dead," he told her simply. "He was responsible for two of the attacks, plus taking you. He didn't make it out of the cave."
"Did you" she began, but couldn't finish the question.
"One of the security men shot him, point blank. I think it was Dooler. It was better than he deserved."
She couldn't help but be grateful that it hadn't been Lee. Killing a human being was a lot different from blasting a maniacal machine. She didn't want him to have to adjust to that kind of act. She didn't want the responsibility for him facing that kind of guilt. "The others?" she asked. She needed to know it all, whether she wanted to hear it or not.
"One of the guys up on the Galactica murdered the miner," he explained. "After he raped her. They think killing her was an accident, but we'll probably never really know. Cops had a thing for her, and got together a couple of his team and attacked the guy. One of the security guards saw it, so they tore him up too. Both of the men that helped Cops were there last night, and neither walked out. You don't have to worry about them."
"One's in custody?" she asked in a small voice, unaware for the moment that she had reached out towards Lee.
"He claims he never touched you," Lee said as he took her hand. "But I have my doubts. He's the one that told us what was happening. The security guards confirmed it. Dooler had been keeping them quiet because he didn't know how the guard was involved and didn't want a big blowup. He was trying to investigate it himself, because he didn't want the fleet involved in what was essentially miners keeping their own sort of justice. So it looks like we have all the players, and no one involved is getting off. We're going to finish up with the mine by deadline, and then get the hell out of this quadrant."
"Not bad investigating for a pilot," she told him with a forced smile. "I'm glad you got it figured out."
"I didn't," he corrected. "Once they realized that it was more than just the miners involved, security went in with guns at the ready. But by then it had already gone to far." He looked down at her a moment more, his face showing clearly that he hated what had happened as much as she did. "I'm glad we have our answers, but it wasn't worth it," he said softly. Then he added, "I know you don't want to talk about it, but"
"You're right," she agreed, cutting him off before he could ask any questions that she wasn't ready to answer. "I don't. But I do want to thank you. It could have been a lot worse. And you don't have to scream or anything, because I know it was my fault. I left without you, I didn't take my weapon, and I didn't pay close enough attention. Hell, I provoked him in the first place. So you don't have to ream me out. I know I caused it."
"No," he told her firmly, placing a finger under her chin to force her to meet his eyes. "I'll admit that some wrong choices were made. Yes, you should have listened, but it should have been calm discussion rather than me screaming at you. As for them attacking you, it wasn't your fault. It was his fault. He was sick, and cruel, and had no respect for human life at all, much less for women. You cannot take responsibility for that."
"But, I"
"Couldn't even talk to me," he finished for her softly. "I slammed that door closed when I railed you out last night, and I was wrong." He took a deep breath before continuing, and she could see how hard it was for him. "Well, I wasn't wrong to get on you for putting yourself in danger, but the way I did it was pure spite. I wish I had a decent excuse." He took another breath before continuing with his eyes firmly closed, as though he couldn't face her with what he had to say. "Kara, I'm just sick of it. I'm tired of hurting all the time, and not being able to fly or run or do what needs to be done. I'm sick of feeling inadequate because of this injury, and it has me sniping at everyone. I was jealous last night because you did what I should have been able to, and I took that out on you. You can out fly me, out fight me, and beat the hell out of me in cards. And I won't lie and tell you that it doesn't get on my nerves to be beaten by a girl all the time, but that's not a reason to hate you. It's part of who you are, and it's a lot of why I love you. I just forget it when I get pissed off."
She was silent for a long time, just letting the words sink in. "Wow," she finally whispered. "How long have you been wanting to say all that?"
"Part of it for a while," he admitted with a soft smile. He reached back up to brush back the bangs that had again fallen into her eyes when she'd looked down for a moment. "Some of it I just figured out last night."
She decided that she'd let go the comment that he loved her. They had loved one another for twenty years, even if neither had ever said it in so many words. It wasn't something to get all warm and fuzzy over. "Um, was that before or after you let me have it?"
"After," he admitted sheepishly. "If I'd thought about it before, I probably wouldn't have blown up. Well, at least not so badly. You needed to hear that it could have been handled better, but you deserved to hear it with respect. I wouldn't have gone off that way on anyone else. I wasn't fair that I did it to you."
She thought about that for a minute, and finally gave a nod although even she wasn't sure if it was an acceptance of his apology or an offering of her own.
"I care about you," he admitted with a quick kiss to her forehead. She flinched away slightly, but hoped he hadn't noticed. She hated being so damned jumpy. It had been so quick, in fact, that she hoped he had missed her action altogether, but then he spoke again. "You're easy to care about."
"You're just saying that because you know if you don't I'll beat you up," she told him, but the joke felt flat. They both knew it was all she could do today to lift her arms. He was pretty safe from any assault. But she wanted a return to the easy banter that was familiar, and reassuring on a level more basic than even having him close to her.
He grinned at her, then leaned down to place a very gentle kiss on her lips. She did flinch back from that, quite obviously, so there was no hope that he hadn't noticed. "Sorry," he mumbled, letting her know that he had indeed caught the action. "Couldn't resist."
"It's okay," she told him with a shrug. "I'm just sore."
He looked down at lips she knew had been made raw by the tape, and she could see that he was trying his best to hide both anger and worry. His next words let her know that any anger wasn't directed at her. "Is there any part of you that doesn't hurt?" he asked her carefully.
She didn't really want to answer that either. Just lying there had made her aware of more aches and pains then she had felt since she'd slammed their Vipers into a landing bay wall. "Let's find out," she suggested, rather than giving him a direct answer. She was desperate to move, even if it hurt. Her nerves were wreaking havoc on her system. "I'm hungry," she lied, "And you need to make a report."
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "That means we have to get up?" he asked wistfully.
"Um, yes. Definitely."
"Why? He asked in a mock whine.
"Because you need to walk me to the latrine," she told him point blank, and had the pleasure of watching him blush. That was the end of her entertainment, however, as she pushed up from the ground and tried to stand. Every muscle protested, and parts of her frankly hurt. She finally let him take her arm so she could try to get her balance and make her legs unfold.
"You okay?" he asked as she stood next to him, motionless except for occasional tremors that she couldn't seem to stop. He was still favoring his right leg as she had seen when he stood, but other than that he seemed stable enough.
She started to deny the pain, and then decided not to bother. He'd seen her body — all of it — and he knew what she had to be feeling. She locked her forearm with his when he offered it and just held on. She gritted her teeth against the discomfort her body was giving, the sweat breaking out on her forehead, and the dizziness swamping her. This was not a good time.
"Okay?" he asked again, more urgently. His hand was still on her arm, carefully avoiding the worst of the bruises but still providing welcome support.
"I will be," she admitted. "Right now I feel pretty lousy. And nauseous. Maybe food isn't such a good idea after all."
"Did you hit your head last night?" he asked as he slid his fingers up beneath her hair, rubbing her scalp carefully. His touch didn't seem so bad now that she wasn't lying down. She was proud of herself for not flinching at all. "Any spots hurt?"
"Not in particular. I know I passed out, though. I have no clue what happened while I was out."
Lee looked at her with concern as he released her to reach down and grab her uniform, and then let her use him as a brace to put her feet into the legs. "Why did you pass out?" he asked quietly.
"I was running," she admitted. "That's why I went out last night. I was too wound up to sleep. Anyway, they knocked the wind out of me when they caught me, and then covered my mouth. I couldn't get enough air in." The words came out clearly enough, but the tremor in her body increased. She really didn't want to think about it.
"Did they drop you, maybe?" he asked.
She shrugged one shoulder as he helped her pull up the top part of her jumper and fasten the top in place. "Maybe. They didn't seem real careful." She found it was much easier to focus on the physical logistics of the attack, rather than on the emotions that coincided with it.
"Are you okay talking about this?"
"Today I'm fine," she told him, somewhat surprised that it wasn't more of a lie. "And you need the information. Just don't ask me tonight." She couldn't explain the difference that the sunlight made, but it did so just the same.
Once she was dressed, Lee walked her to the latrine, and then towards the Raptor. She wished there were a way to keep him from reporting this to the Galactica, but couldn't think of a way to explain three deaths and an arrest without broaching the subject. Still, the closer they got to the spacecraft, the more agitated she became. She really didn't want this broadcast through the fleet.
"Lee?"
"Yeah?" he asked, turning back from where he was lowering the hatch for the Raptor.
"How much do we have to tell the Galactica about what happened last night?"
He stopped with the hatch down, and shifted until he was sitting on it, eye to eye with her. "What are you asking?"
"I'm asking if we have to tell them that I got hurt," she admitted. "Can't we just say abducted or something?"
"Why?"
She closed her eyes in frustration. Men. "Would you want everyone in the CIC knowing that four men beat the living crap out of you?" she asked in frustration. "Besides, I know your father. He'll pull me back up to the Galactica before you can talk him out of it. I really don't want this mission messed up. I'm okay, and I'll heal, and it's better if I do that before your father finds out all the disgusting details."
"I don't think it's a good idea," he told her softly. "They'll need to know, and you need to get checked."
"You saw everything, Lee," she whispered fervently. "Every bruise, every scrape, and every cut. You know damn well that I'm going to be fine. This is nothing we can't manage on our own."
"So why is it upsetting you so much, if it's no big deal?" he asked.
"I don't know," she admitted. "But I've worked frakking hard to get the squadron to look at me as a pilot instead of a woman, and I don't want this messing it up."
Lee was silent for a long time, his hand almost absently reaching forward to fiddle with a few strands of her hair that reached almost to her shoulders now. She held her body tightly in place. If she flinched now, there was no way he'd let it go. "I'll tell him they grabbed you," Lee finally consented. "And that we don't see any serious injuries. Is that close enough?"
She let out a breath of relief. "It'll do."
It wasn't what she wanted. She wanted to just forget all of it, but she knew that they still had a job to do. She would take what little she could get.