SPG VERSION 2
Suguru's eyes were wide as Tatsuha pulled away. He looked just as shocked as the other boy.
'...what...?'
'Er...' the taller boy stood up, biting his lip. 'I...er, I'm sorry!'
Suguru nodded strangely.
'I, er...I think I'd better go now.'
'Right.'
Tatsuha hastily made his way out of the room, trying not to knock anything over in the dark.
Suguru mumbled something.
'Eh?' he said, panicking.
'I've never been kissed before,' the older boy said quietly. It was not a helpful afterthought.
'Ah,' Tatsuha replied, knocking his head on the door in a rush to leave.
'Bye.'
'Right.'
He closed the door with a little more force than he intended. What the hell did he do that for?
His head hit the railings as he reached for support. This was not part of the plan. None of this was part of the plan.
So much for K's Plan.
Unless...
He knew why he did it. What he didn't know was how he had done it. It seemed to make sense at the time, seemed to be the thing to do in that situation. He really had no idea how to handle such an outburst, so he had just gone with intuition.
Because kissing Suguru was obviously a very intuitive thing to do.
He gripped the railings angrily. Now he had made an even bigger mess to sort out. He couldn't blame this on K, couldn't blame this on anyone. This was his own fault.
If only he'd given a second to think about what he was doing...
...I think...
His heart sank
I think I still would have done it...
He turned back to the door. Suguru was probably still lying there, eyes wide open, staring blankly at the ceiling.
...Never been kissed before.
Tatsuha felt as though he had done something heart-warmingly special and heart shatteringly horrific at the same time.
It wasn't like the boy had resisted, either.
Making the most of his first kiss, I guess...
He smiled pathetically to no one in particular.
Yeah, maybe he actually liked it! Hehe... What am I saying?
'I think I'd better go home,' he said to no one, making his way down the cold metal stairs, and into the night. He mumbled something bitterly to himself as he left.
This was your real plan, wasn't it, K?
'You're here early, Mr K,' Suguru managed weakly as he staggered into work.
'I'm here to tell everyone we have the day off today,' K smiled. It was even more disconcerting than usual.
'Ah...'
'I heard you were unwell yesterday, are you any better? Your face certainly has more colour.'
Suguru laughed nervously, 'Heheh, yes, I am feeling a little better...thank you,' he added quickly.
'Glad to hear it.'
Suguru hesitated. A part of him wanted to scream and shout in a childlike manner at K, but he knew it wouldn't help anything. Maybe it would make everything worse. But still, what was he supposed to do after last night?
Did he really want Tatsuha off his case that badly?
'Was there anything you wanted?' K asked politely, as Suguru lingered.
'Er, no, thank you K, I'll see you tomorrow.'
'You too.'
Suguru hurried out, feeling the manager's eyes boring into his back.
He hadn't slept much last night. He kept going over his outburst in his head, trying to figure out what he had said that caused such a reaction from the younger boy. He was still angry though, angry at Uesugi's motives. Suguru didn't stop to think what he would have done in that position, there was no point confusing the issue. Not only had he been used, lied to, and general seen as a nuisance, but he had also had his first kiss taken without his consent...
He pulled a face. Maybe that was being a little bit pathetic.
But as much as he tried to think of other things, it lingered. In several senses of the word.
He rubbed his tired eyes open. This couldn't be what K had intended to happen. In fact, this had made everything worse. It wasn't that Uesugi was a guy, or that his reaction had seemed completely random, but that he was someone he couldn't have. He was in love with Ryuichi, wasn't he? How could a little kid like him compare?
Because I am a kid. I can't even make sense of this, he thought bitterly, turning back towards his apartment. Only movement from the studio caught his attention as a figure appeared. He tried to ignore it but he couldn't help himself.
'Please don't let it be...' he muttered as he turned round to see a slightly flustered Uesugi emerge from the building, stuffing a package into his bag.
Suguru made no attempt to hide, and Tatsuha spotted him reluctantly, with an expression that read "Doom".
They approached each other cautiously, both preferring to look at the ground rather than the other. They stood in silence for some time, before Tatsuha finally managed to speak.
'I'm really, really sorry.'
Suguru looked up, trying to meet the other boys eyes. As soon as he did, his heart sank. He certainly looked sorry. He half considered apologising himself, but he couldn't find the will to speak.
'I didn't mean to scare you or hurt you or anything,' Tatsuha continued 'I just didn't know what to do. But I hope I proved something...'
'What's that?' Suguru said weakly.
'That I'm not doing this for Ryuichi.'
'Right.'
Tatsuha sighed. 'I have these tickets for a Nittle Grasper promotional concert tonight. I could just go by myself, but I want you to come with me.'
'How does this prove anything?' the shorter boy said, his shoulders hanging so low it seemed he would fall apart any second.
'You'll come, right?'
Suguru hesitated. 'I don't know...'
'You're not working, right?'
'Fine. I'll go.'
'I'll come pick you up when it's time.'
'Don't make it sound like a date,' Suguru mumbled, stalking away.
Tatsuha smiled hopelessly to himself. "Desperate times call for desperate measures", K had said as he gave him the tickets. It was a good point.
Suguru swore loudly as he slammed the front door shut. Why had he said yes?
It was obvious that K had given him those tickets, it was obvious that this was all part of K's plan. If the stupid Uesugi boy hadn't kissed him then he wouldn't be having a problem dealing with it all, but the truth was...
The truth is...I like him...
He let the horror of his thought sink in.
It wasn't fair! How was he supposed to cope with this, now? It made him weak, weak and easily manipulated, weak and dependant and desperate and confused...
Like Shuichi.
'Damnit!' he yelled, before hiding his face in embarrassment, despite being alone.
This was it, wasn't it? This is why Shuichi could produce beautiful vocals one day and nothing but chaos the other. This is why sometimes the room glowed with his happy feelings or sank with his sorrow. Suguru wondered if he was finally starting to understand, to understand not understanding.
His head hurt again.
What he wanted now, more than anything, was a clear answer. But there was nothing. Only the burning desire for Uesugi...no, Tatsuha's lips on his once more, just once. For that powerful embrace that made him feel safe and warm, yet shamed and guilty, guilty that this feeling was something he couldn't achieve alone, to be needed and wanted by someone else.
He didn't know what Tatsuha felt. It was cruel, this feeling.
But no matter what happened, he wasn't going to cry. Not in front of him, not in front of anyone. Things could happen, awful things that would break his heart, things that would hurt him and leave him cold and alone, they could all happen tonight in the big manufactured Plan, so cunningly constructed by K to get him back to work.
If it was to understand Shuichi's pain, then he had done a good job. The ache in his heart was great enough now to magnify all the destructive possibilities.
He cried for them now, to save himself the shame.