Disclaimer: We still do not own any of the pre-existing characters. They
belong to the creative genius of Tolkien, and the creative minds of the
people who created the other characters. Cathie is our own creation.
The Golden Pineapple Chronicles
"But everything seems to be solved" said Eowyn, "Boromir has Cathie and..." Eowyn stopped. There was a strange sound from behind the "Travel and Leisure" section. Mary-Sue stepped out from behind the bookcase with a large volume called "Tourist Treasures in Newfoundland" and had it poised to hit someone.
"If I hit you," said Mary-Sue, "you'll die and I'll get...OOF.". Eowyn punched Mary-Sue and dragged her out of the library. As she was closing the door, she saw four cute, curly-haired guys walking down the street.
"Frodo! Sam! Pippin! Merry!" said Eowyn, "What are you doing here? Come into the library. How did you get to human-size?"
"A wizard did it" said Frodo, as the four human-sized hobbits walked into the library, "Radagast The Brown to be exact."
"So you're book cannon?" asked Willow"
"Oh, begging your pardon Miss, we're movie cannon" said Sam, "but they seem to have merged a little. Now, I don't mean to be rude, but is there anywhere we can sleep for a while? We've been traveling for a long while."
"I have a motel room, but I doubt it is big enough for all of us..." said Cathie. Conveniently, Mary-Sue walked into the library. "I'm going to see some Pirates in the Caribbean. There's a two-story apartment plus attic on top of the library, and a laundry room and guestrooms in the basement. All you have to do is run the library".
So, the gang moved into the house. Frodo and Sam took the attic room; Eowyn and Faramir the master bedroom; Legolas and Aragorn the guestroom; Tara and Willow the large kids room; Boromir and Cathie the spare room, and Pippin and Merry each took the little basement rooms. "Oh, my room is covered in Murder She Wrote posters. She's so dreamy" said Merry.
"So, now all we have to do is find some sort of job. Work. Adventure. Quest thing to do" said Pippin to cover up the strangeness of Merry's comment.
Suddenly Éomer came in. He was either drunk or angry, and, well, possibly both; any way, he was pissed. "Faramir! How dare you take liberties with my sister! You're not married yet!"
"But Éomer, I swear I haven't!" said Faramir, who was not liking this turn of events.
"Yeah, what's with that?" wondered Éowyn impatiently, although she hadn't really meant to say that out loud. "That would not be proper before marriage," Faramir said, astonished by what Éowyn had said.
"So let's get married then" said Éowyn, "we could elope. We could go to Vegas! We could get married by Elvis!"
"You really want to get married by an Elvis impersonator?"
"I love Elvis!!! Just so long as it's not the old, fat Elvis. He was too sweaty".
Everyone stared at Éowyn. Then realization dawned on all of them.
"Well, since you're going to Vegas, you should find the Golden Pineapple for me, and I'll pay you grandly, 'cause I do that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go be king now." With that, Éomer left.
Everyone nodded as Éomer left.
Cathie suddenly realized something, "Hey, Aragorn, shouldn't you be being king?"
"I'm on vacation."
"Do kings get vacation?"
Boromir sighed, "honestly Cathie, if you're going to keep trying to make sense of all this, your head is going to explode."
"He's not joking," said Willow. "That's what happened to the creepy guys in 'Hush'."
"Death by plot holes," added Tara.
So, since the explanation made quite a bit of sense, everyone decided to start moving into the library's living quarters. By eleven that night, everyone but Willow had unpacked and made their own rooms their own, not that they would spend much time in them just yet. Willow had booked airline tickets to Las Vegas via Vancouver from the Prince George airport for the next day for everyone save herself and Tara, as they planned to stay behind to explore McBride and take care of the library.
Merry was most excited, as he had heard about flight attendants, but had not yet seen one. Pippin was more fascinated in flying, as were Faramir and Eowyn. Eowyn's excitement was so great that both Faramir and Eowyn decided they needed a brisk walk in the cool spring air to prevent any dishonour from occurring. However, Boromir was more fearful than excited. "Will we have to go on a canoe? I really don't like canoes" said Boromir, understandably, "They bring back bad memories of waterfalls. There aren't any waterfalls, are there?"
"Oh, no, none of that. Come now, why don't we have nice chamomile tea and go to bed" said Cathie.
Boromir's face lit up at the prospect of tea and, more specifically, bed. So, Cathie and Boromir went to bed, even though there room only contained two twin-sized beds. The two talked much of the night, as Cathie tried to calm down Boromir and explain to him the strange noises coming from Legolas and Aragorn's room.
"Really, they are just swordfighting, nothing more," said Cathie, "Well, maybe some pillow fighting and..." Boromir interrupted Cathie.
"Oh, I know what is going on, it's just...Aragorn kissed me and...well..."
"You need to prove you're, erm, not into pillow fights?"
Boromir nodded.
Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam were rather intrigued by Willow's computers and the "internet", and were busy being shocked by what they saw. "Why, we never...that didn't happen until Rivendell, who would DO that in the middle of a field for everyone to see?" said Sam.
"I don't know, maybe Canadians are more liberal regarding pipeweed" said Frodo.
Willow and Tara decided to leave Frodo and Sam to explore the internet. Willow and Tara wanted to explore a new magic book they had found, "300 ways to Redecorate With Magic". And they had a very magical night indeed, although they did scare the already-nervous Boromir when they accidentally gave his room Liza Minelli wallpaper.
The next morning, everybody was packing up to leave, except Willow and Tara, who were making out, and Boromir, who was watching. Cathie walked in and saw what was going on. "Boromir, we have to pack, do I have to start kissing Éowyn to get your attention?!"
Boromir smiled broadly. "Really, would you?"
"NO!!" yelled not only Cathie, but also Éowyn. Boromir was very disappointed and started lecturing Cathie on not being a tease. Merry and Pippin, who had run upstairs at the words "kissing Éowyn", heartily agreed that yes, it was not funny to trick people like that.
After several fights over who would drive, how to properly fold a map, and whether or not there was actually a prince in Prince George, they arrived at the airport, having only forgotten Boromir's toothbrush and Pippin's underwear. They both claimed they did not need said items, but were the only ones who thought so. Cathie picked up a toothbrush and some men's underwear at the Duty Free. Legolas was very excited about the idea of joining the "Mile High Club". He likes clubs. The flight was as uneventful as possible, despite the fact that Legolas and Aragorn spent unusual amounts of time in the bathroom, and Boromir laughed every time Cathie called a male flight attendant "steward". Also, Merry and Pippin kept claiming there were monsters on the wing. And it took eighteen flight attendants to pull Éowyn and Faramir off a man who had slapped Éowyn's butt. Oh, there was also an incident involving Frodo, eight Mary-Sues and a duck. Did I mention Sam and the chimpanzees?
"Welcome to Las Vegas" read a gaudy neon sign. After everyone bought cell phones, Legolas and Aragorn went to check into the hotel. However, on their way they were distracted by an interesting sign, claiming talented singer/actors could make up to $50 an hour.
Eowyn and Faramir went to prepare for their wedding, helped by Cathie and Boromir.
Meanwhile, Pippin and Merry went to find "The Golden Pineapple"- the place Eomer wanted found- after many hours of "getting lost" in various casinos. As the two entered the multi-roomed, multi-staged Pineapple, Merry gave a sigh. "Aw, they aren't naked-some of this is legitimate theatre".
Soon, however, Merry's attentions were drawn to a tall, slim, blond bombshell in the "Queen's Court" room who was singing "Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend". The bombshell finished her act and sat down. Merry was soon sending her drinks. Finally, when the bombshell seemed just drunk enough, Merry walked over. "Want to get some coffee for that hangover?" he said.
"What hangover?" said the bombshell.
"The one you're gonna have in the morning, babe".
"How about we get coffee now?" said the bombshell,
Merry realized that may be as far as he would get that night, so he took the bombshell to the café next door. The two talked for a while, and as Merry leaned over to kiss the bombshell, Aragorn burst into the café. "Legolas! There you are! What happen...Merry, why are you almost kissing Legolas?"
Pippin ran in, laughing his head off. "Merry! I can't believe you didn't realize it was Legolas! The name of the room didn't warn you? The Queen's court? Oh, Merry, no, I'm sorry..." finished Pippin, as a very red Merry ran out of the café. Pippin ran after him.
"Legolas, how could you? Going out with Merry! I didn't know you had feelings for him!" said Aragorn.
"I do not have feelings for Merry. I simply wanted to teach him a lesson. His womanizing is disgustingly annoying"
Aragorn smiled, helped Legolas up, and took him their hotel room to sleep off the hangover-but not before hearing a private performance of "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend".
Meanwhile...in the quietest place they could find, Denny's™, Éowyn, Faramir, Cathie, and Boromir went about making the wedding plans.
"What kind of dress code should we have for the wedding?" asked Faramir.
Cathie sighed, "You're eloping in Vegas--"
"Cathie's right, it should be leather pants and the like" said Éowyn excitedly.
"Umm, what I meant was—
"Good idea! Now, have you picked an Elvis yet?" interrupted Boromir.
"Yes of course, and should we get drunk first? I hear that's tradition in Las Vegas," piped in Faramir, who wanted to respect local customs. After all, if they were going to have a cheesy Vegas wedding, they ought to do it properly.
Thus after several hours of discussion on if elvish should be used during the ceremony, how many horses were in Éowyn's dowry, and whether or not Faramir would look good in a grass skirt, everything was ready for the big event, and Cathie had a large headache from banging her head against the table. They made their way to the chapel. It didn't take long, as it was in the Denny's™ parking lot.
Everybody was there, including Éomer, who seemed to be able to show up at will for some reason. Everyone there, except Éowyn and Faramir, was distracted by the sight of Legolas in leather pants. Legolas didn't mind; quite the contrary, he thought himself a work of art that should be admired. Aragorn agreed; however, he did mind, though wasn't sure what to do, short of asking Legolas to put on a grass skirt over the pants. But, after all, why should he have to suffer because others couldn't keep their eyes in their head?
As had been planned, the bride and groom were completely wasted. Fortunately, Faramir had been talked out of the grass skirt, but the kilt wasn't much of an improvement. Éowyn's dress consisted of, well, not much. The ceremony was thankfully swift, and afterwards, everyone was to join the bride and groom in getting completely plastered.
All and all, it was a beautiful wedding. The best part was: they got to do it all again the next day, as nobody remembered anything, in some cases going back for weeks. Rohan ale is Very Strong!!!
Everyone had been drunk at the weddings (hence, "weddings"), and Merry was no exception. In fact, he had probably been the drunkest of them all. The next day, he was still reeling from almost kissing Legolas. And, after seeing Legolas in leather pants, it had been made very clear to Merry that Legolas was no girl, and it was very hard to mistake him for one.
And so, by the late afternoon, Pippin was starting to get worried. Merry had locked himself in the bathroom with the full contents of the mini- bar, and was now singing show-tunes. After Merry's fifth rendition of "Old Man River", Pippin had to do something. He burst into the bathroom, and saw Merry sprawled in the hot tub, fully dressed, candy wrappers and little bottles of liquor floating around him. Pippin knew what he had to do. "Come on Merry, we're going down to the casino, and you're picking up some girls. Clean up, get money, let's go".
Merry wearily agreed.
Once they made it down to the casino, however, they ran smack into Boromir, Cathie, Legolas and Aragorn. Merry wanted to run, but Legolas grabbed his arm. "Merry, I really must apologise, I did not mean for the stunt to go as far as it did. I decided to do it after the dress rehearsal- Aragorn had no idea it was to happen," said Legolas, "The fact that it was so hard to tell, once you where drunk, whether I was a man or woman, was a wardrobe malfunction".
"Okay, yah, you're forgiven" mumbled Merry as he saw a pretty girl at the Black Jack table and decided to "help" her "win".
"So, where are Faramir and Eowyn?" asked Pippin.
"In the Honeymoon suite, where else?" replied Cathie.
Legolas and Aragorn giggled, which was rare, and they both mumbled something about their own suite and swordfighting as they ran to the elevators.
Meanwhile, back in McBride, Willow said to Tara, "Look! We can watch the goings-on of Legolas and Merry and the rest!"
"When did we get a magic crystal viewing ball?" asked Tara.
"We didn't. I've tapped into the security cams at the hotel/casino- and the Chapel and Pineapple have webcams!" replied Willow."
"Wow, Legolas in a dress is almost sexy!" said Tara.
"I'll almost sexy you" giggled Willow.
The Golden Pineapple Chronicles
"But everything seems to be solved" said Eowyn, "Boromir has Cathie and..." Eowyn stopped. There was a strange sound from behind the "Travel and Leisure" section. Mary-Sue stepped out from behind the bookcase with a large volume called "Tourist Treasures in Newfoundland" and had it poised to hit someone.
"If I hit you," said Mary-Sue, "you'll die and I'll get...OOF.". Eowyn punched Mary-Sue and dragged her out of the library. As she was closing the door, she saw four cute, curly-haired guys walking down the street.
"Frodo! Sam! Pippin! Merry!" said Eowyn, "What are you doing here? Come into the library. How did you get to human-size?"
"A wizard did it" said Frodo, as the four human-sized hobbits walked into the library, "Radagast The Brown to be exact."
"So you're book cannon?" asked Willow"
"Oh, begging your pardon Miss, we're movie cannon" said Sam, "but they seem to have merged a little. Now, I don't mean to be rude, but is there anywhere we can sleep for a while? We've been traveling for a long while."
"I have a motel room, but I doubt it is big enough for all of us..." said Cathie. Conveniently, Mary-Sue walked into the library. "I'm going to see some Pirates in the Caribbean. There's a two-story apartment plus attic on top of the library, and a laundry room and guestrooms in the basement. All you have to do is run the library".
So, the gang moved into the house. Frodo and Sam took the attic room; Eowyn and Faramir the master bedroom; Legolas and Aragorn the guestroom; Tara and Willow the large kids room; Boromir and Cathie the spare room, and Pippin and Merry each took the little basement rooms. "Oh, my room is covered in Murder She Wrote posters. She's so dreamy" said Merry.
"So, now all we have to do is find some sort of job. Work. Adventure. Quest thing to do" said Pippin to cover up the strangeness of Merry's comment.
Suddenly Éomer came in. He was either drunk or angry, and, well, possibly both; any way, he was pissed. "Faramir! How dare you take liberties with my sister! You're not married yet!"
"But Éomer, I swear I haven't!" said Faramir, who was not liking this turn of events.
"Yeah, what's with that?" wondered Éowyn impatiently, although she hadn't really meant to say that out loud. "That would not be proper before marriage," Faramir said, astonished by what Éowyn had said.
"So let's get married then" said Éowyn, "we could elope. We could go to Vegas! We could get married by Elvis!"
"You really want to get married by an Elvis impersonator?"
"I love Elvis!!! Just so long as it's not the old, fat Elvis. He was too sweaty".
Everyone stared at Éowyn. Then realization dawned on all of them.
"Well, since you're going to Vegas, you should find the Golden Pineapple for me, and I'll pay you grandly, 'cause I do that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go be king now." With that, Éomer left.
Everyone nodded as Éomer left.
Cathie suddenly realized something, "Hey, Aragorn, shouldn't you be being king?"
"I'm on vacation."
"Do kings get vacation?"
Boromir sighed, "honestly Cathie, if you're going to keep trying to make sense of all this, your head is going to explode."
"He's not joking," said Willow. "That's what happened to the creepy guys in 'Hush'."
"Death by plot holes," added Tara.
So, since the explanation made quite a bit of sense, everyone decided to start moving into the library's living quarters. By eleven that night, everyone but Willow had unpacked and made their own rooms their own, not that they would spend much time in them just yet. Willow had booked airline tickets to Las Vegas via Vancouver from the Prince George airport for the next day for everyone save herself and Tara, as they planned to stay behind to explore McBride and take care of the library.
Merry was most excited, as he had heard about flight attendants, but had not yet seen one. Pippin was more fascinated in flying, as were Faramir and Eowyn. Eowyn's excitement was so great that both Faramir and Eowyn decided they needed a brisk walk in the cool spring air to prevent any dishonour from occurring. However, Boromir was more fearful than excited. "Will we have to go on a canoe? I really don't like canoes" said Boromir, understandably, "They bring back bad memories of waterfalls. There aren't any waterfalls, are there?"
"Oh, no, none of that. Come now, why don't we have nice chamomile tea and go to bed" said Cathie.
Boromir's face lit up at the prospect of tea and, more specifically, bed. So, Cathie and Boromir went to bed, even though there room only contained two twin-sized beds. The two talked much of the night, as Cathie tried to calm down Boromir and explain to him the strange noises coming from Legolas and Aragorn's room.
"Really, they are just swordfighting, nothing more," said Cathie, "Well, maybe some pillow fighting and..." Boromir interrupted Cathie.
"Oh, I know what is going on, it's just...Aragorn kissed me and...well..."
"You need to prove you're, erm, not into pillow fights?"
Boromir nodded.
Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam were rather intrigued by Willow's computers and the "internet", and were busy being shocked by what they saw. "Why, we never...that didn't happen until Rivendell, who would DO that in the middle of a field for everyone to see?" said Sam.
"I don't know, maybe Canadians are more liberal regarding pipeweed" said Frodo.
Willow and Tara decided to leave Frodo and Sam to explore the internet. Willow and Tara wanted to explore a new magic book they had found, "300 ways to Redecorate With Magic". And they had a very magical night indeed, although they did scare the already-nervous Boromir when they accidentally gave his room Liza Minelli wallpaper.
The next morning, everybody was packing up to leave, except Willow and Tara, who were making out, and Boromir, who was watching. Cathie walked in and saw what was going on. "Boromir, we have to pack, do I have to start kissing Éowyn to get your attention?!"
Boromir smiled broadly. "Really, would you?"
"NO!!" yelled not only Cathie, but also Éowyn. Boromir was very disappointed and started lecturing Cathie on not being a tease. Merry and Pippin, who had run upstairs at the words "kissing Éowyn", heartily agreed that yes, it was not funny to trick people like that.
After several fights over who would drive, how to properly fold a map, and whether or not there was actually a prince in Prince George, they arrived at the airport, having only forgotten Boromir's toothbrush and Pippin's underwear. They both claimed they did not need said items, but were the only ones who thought so. Cathie picked up a toothbrush and some men's underwear at the Duty Free. Legolas was very excited about the idea of joining the "Mile High Club". He likes clubs. The flight was as uneventful as possible, despite the fact that Legolas and Aragorn spent unusual amounts of time in the bathroom, and Boromir laughed every time Cathie called a male flight attendant "steward". Also, Merry and Pippin kept claiming there were monsters on the wing. And it took eighteen flight attendants to pull Éowyn and Faramir off a man who had slapped Éowyn's butt. Oh, there was also an incident involving Frodo, eight Mary-Sues and a duck. Did I mention Sam and the chimpanzees?
"Welcome to Las Vegas" read a gaudy neon sign. After everyone bought cell phones, Legolas and Aragorn went to check into the hotel. However, on their way they were distracted by an interesting sign, claiming talented singer/actors could make up to $50 an hour.
Eowyn and Faramir went to prepare for their wedding, helped by Cathie and Boromir.
Meanwhile, Pippin and Merry went to find "The Golden Pineapple"- the place Eomer wanted found- after many hours of "getting lost" in various casinos. As the two entered the multi-roomed, multi-staged Pineapple, Merry gave a sigh. "Aw, they aren't naked-some of this is legitimate theatre".
Soon, however, Merry's attentions were drawn to a tall, slim, blond bombshell in the "Queen's Court" room who was singing "Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend". The bombshell finished her act and sat down. Merry was soon sending her drinks. Finally, when the bombshell seemed just drunk enough, Merry walked over. "Want to get some coffee for that hangover?" he said.
"What hangover?" said the bombshell.
"The one you're gonna have in the morning, babe".
"How about we get coffee now?" said the bombshell,
Merry realized that may be as far as he would get that night, so he took the bombshell to the café next door. The two talked for a while, and as Merry leaned over to kiss the bombshell, Aragorn burst into the café. "Legolas! There you are! What happen...Merry, why are you almost kissing Legolas?"
Pippin ran in, laughing his head off. "Merry! I can't believe you didn't realize it was Legolas! The name of the room didn't warn you? The Queen's court? Oh, Merry, no, I'm sorry..." finished Pippin, as a very red Merry ran out of the café. Pippin ran after him.
"Legolas, how could you? Going out with Merry! I didn't know you had feelings for him!" said Aragorn.
"I do not have feelings for Merry. I simply wanted to teach him a lesson. His womanizing is disgustingly annoying"
Aragorn smiled, helped Legolas up, and took him their hotel room to sleep off the hangover-but not before hearing a private performance of "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend".
Meanwhile...in the quietest place they could find, Denny's™, Éowyn, Faramir, Cathie, and Boromir went about making the wedding plans.
"What kind of dress code should we have for the wedding?" asked Faramir.
Cathie sighed, "You're eloping in Vegas--"
"Cathie's right, it should be leather pants and the like" said Éowyn excitedly.
"Umm, what I meant was—
"Good idea! Now, have you picked an Elvis yet?" interrupted Boromir.
"Yes of course, and should we get drunk first? I hear that's tradition in Las Vegas," piped in Faramir, who wanted to respect local customs. After all, if they were going to have a cheesy Vegas wedding, they ought to do it properly.
Thus after several hours of discussion on if elvish should be used during the ceremony, how many horses were in Éowyn's dowry, and whether or not Faramir would look good in a grass skirt, everything was ready for the big event, and Cathie had a large headache from banging her head against the table. They made their way to the chapel. It didn't take long, as it was in the Denny's™ parking lot.
Everybody was there, including Éomer, who seemed to be able to show up at will for some reason. Everyone there, except Éowyn and Faramir, was distracted by the sight of Legolas in leather pants. Legolas didn't mind; quite the contrary, he thought himself a work of art that should be admired. Aragorn agreed; however, he did mind, though wasn't sure what to do, short of asking Legolas to put on a grass skirt over the pants. But, after all, why should he have to suffer because others couldn't keep their eyes in their head?
As had been planned, the bride and groom were completely wasted. Fortunately, Faramir had been talked out of the grass skirt, but the kilt wasn't much of an improvement. Éowyn's dress consisted of, well, not much. The ceremony was thankfully swift, and afterwards, everyone was to join the bride and groom in getting completely plastered.
All and all, it was a beautiful wedding. The best part was: they got to do it all again the next day, as nobody remembered anything, in some cases going back for weeks. Rohan ale is Very Strong!!!
Everyone had been drunk at the weddings (hence, "weddings"), and Merry was no exception. In fact, he had probably been the drunkest of them all. The next day, he was still reeling from almost kissing Legolas. And, after seeing Legolas in leather pants, it had been made very clear to Merry that Legolas was no girl, and it was very hard to mistake him for one.
And so, by the late afternoon, Pippin was starting to get worried. Merry had locked himself in the bathroom with the full contents of the mini- bar, and was now singing show-tunes. After Merry's fifth rendition of "Old Man River", Pippin had to do something. He burst into the bathroom, and saw Merry sprawled in the hot tub, fully dressed, candy wrappers and little bottles of liquor floating around him. Pippin knew what he had to do. "Come on Merry, we're going down to the casino, and you're picking up some girls. Clean up, get money, let's go".
Merry wearily agreed.
Once they made it down to the casino, however, they ran smack into Boromir, Cathie, Legolas and Aragorn. Merry wanted to run, but Legolas grabbed his arm. "Merry, I really must apologise, I did not mean for the stunt to go as far as it did. I decided to do it after the dress rehearsal- Aragorn had no idea it was to happen," said Legolas, "The fact that it was so hard to tell, once you where drunk, whether I was a man or woman, was a wardrobe malfunction".
"Okay, yah, you're forgiven" mumbled Merry as he saw a pretty girl at the Black Jack table and decided to "help" her "win".
"So, where are Faramir and Eowyn?" asked Pippin.
"In the Honeymoon suite, where else?" replied Cathie.
Legolas and Aragorn giggled, which was rare, and they both mumbled something about their own suite and swordfighting as they ran to the elevators.
Meanwhile, back in McBride, Willow said to Tara, "Look! We can watch the goings-on of Legolas and Merry and the rest!"
"When did we get a magic crystal viewing ball?" asked Tara.
"We didn't. I've tapped into the security cams at the hotel/casino- and the Chapel and Pineapple have webcams!" replied Willow."
"Wow, Legolas in a dress is almost sexy!" said Tara.
"I'll almost sexy you" giggled Willow.