Everyone except Éowyn and Faramir were preparing to leave. No one really
minded leaving them behind, as they were acting like newlyweds, and,
honestly, it was kind of disturbing. Again, for no apparent reason, someone
walked in, and was carrying Gimli. The person was clearly an elf, but was
very androgynous, even for an elf, and no one recognized it. Gimli was not
happy with this arrangement. "Put me down you #*^$@%& elf!!!!"
"Who are you?!" demanded Aragorn.
"Well, I'm not really sure," said the elf as it put Gimli down. "I think I'm supposed to be Glorfindle, but since this story can't really decide whether it's based on the book or the movie, I'm sort of a mix between Glorfindle and Arwen. Anyway, I'm here to tell you that you must destroy Mary-Sue because..." Glorarwen paused, "just destroy her. She bugs me. Also, next time you dimension hop, don't forget to take your dwarf."
"Sure, ok," said Legolas
"@#%&*$@ crazy elves," muttered Gimli.
"Now, I'm leaving so I can go back to being two separate characters," and with that Glorarwen left, cursing the names of the authors.
"So, gang, we have to contact Tara and Willow and find out where Mary-Sue is-they can probably track her" said Cathie
"I could use my Horn of Gondor to beckon them. McBride must be within hearing distance of my powerful horn" said Boromir.
"We'll use the phone, Boromir dear, and leave the horn for better uses" giggled Cathie as she led everyone up to their room.
After a $20 long-distance call to Willow that left even even-tempered Legolas cursing hotel phone charges, they found out that Mary-Sue had already left for the Caribbean and in fact was already in the POTCverse Caribbean. So, Cathie booked herself, Legolas, Aragorn, Boromir, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Frodo and Gimli on a flight to the Caribbean.
They packed up, left a message explaining their plans to Faramir and Eowyn, and hopped on the plane.
The trip was less eventful than the last one, as Frodo and Sam avoided fangirls and chimpanzees by wearing Fred Durst inspired outfits, and Aragorn and Legolas were content watching the in-flight movie, "Deep Impact". However, Gimli had to be given a sedative so he would stop cursing about the high elevation, and Merry hit on the flight attendants, and was then asked to be quiet or have a harassment suit on his hands. Merry first thought they said something regarding a flight attendant's rear end in a suit, which excited him, until Cathie explained what a harassment suit was.
Once they got to the Caribbean, they did as Tara and Willow instructed and ended up in the POTCverse.
Back the hotel, Eomer was upset at being left behind. So, he went to Golden Pineapple, met up with Glorarwen who felt somewhat at ease in the crossdressing atmosphere, and both of them cursed the authors and got very, very drunk.
In the POTC universe, Legolas was getting nervous, due to the large number of Orlando Bloom fangirls. Aragorn was trying his best to calm him down. "I wouldn't worry Legolas; Mary-Sue seems to be using some evil that prevents them from coming near us." However, being reminded of Mary-Sue didn't help matters much.
"Someone needs to find her, but who can avoid being ensnared by her witchcraft?" noted Boromir.
Cathie raised her hand, "well, she won't go after me, because I'm a woman, not to mention I'm from an email story, not a movie or classic novel, and Gimli can come with me, because, well, sorry but..."
"I know, I know," sighed Gimli, "I don't get any action." So Legolas, Aragorn, Boromir and the overgrown hobbits tried to disguise themselves while Cathie and Gimli went about looking for Mary-Sue. They found her, looking very helpless, while Will Turner was trying to rescue her while doing various sexy poses and not wearing a shirt. Captain Jack Sparrow meanwhile, was praising Mary-Sue's beauty and being generally useless. Then Cathie noticed something in Mary-Sue's hand. She tapped Gimli on the shoulder and pointed it out.
"What is that?" she whispered, "it looks like some sort of computer."
Gimli's eyes widened, "it's a Plot Device!!"
Cathie and Gimli went back to report to their companions, who had made themselves resemble ugly pirates as well as they could. Legolas was trying very hard to get his hair to stop shining. Gimli looked at them dismayed, "She has an object of great evil, it will be very hard to get to her."
"It's not another ring is it, because I am sick and tired of rings." Said Frodo understandably, and everyone agreed.
"No lad, it's a..." Gimli swallowed, "...Plot Device."
"No, Not a plot device!!" yelled everyone except Cathie, who didn't know what was going on. Boromir noticed Cathie's confusion.
"A Plot Device is a great evil used by fangirls to make characters fall in love with them, to make less attractive characters conveniently disappear, and to make themselves perfect." Boromir sighed, "None of us can defeat her while she has it, for she can use it to change the personalities and abilities of herself and any fictitious character, and sometimes people from her high school."
The group decided that, for the time being, the best thing to do was hide in a boarding house. Conveniently there was one right behind them, so they went in. Surprisingly, the clerk knew they would be coming. "We received a letter from Tara and Willow, saying you would be coming. They also sent a letter for you".
Cathie snatched the letter and opened it; there were several hundred dollars of the local currency, and a note. "Tara and Willow say that they are looking for a way to disable the Plot Device. Plus, we can contact them by sending mail to the magic address on the envelope", Cathie read, ignoring the obvious question on how Tara and Willow already knew about the Plot Device.
Then Merry said, "How are we going to get food? If I can't get girls, I want food"
Cathie realized that the human-sized tweenager hobbits had huge appetites. So she went to what the clerk said was the best market in town, dragging Gimli behind her, as she would need someone to help her carry all that food. Once they got there, a tall, thin, tight-lipped, uptight man came up to Gimli. "Hello. My name is Commodore Norrington. I have decided to start a show called the 'Barnum and Bailey Circus', and you would make a wonderful Freaky Bearded Child," said Commodore Norrington.
Cathie giggled, but then Gimli surprisingly agreed. Cathie realized something was wrong. Gimli had a lot of pride and Barnum and Bailey wasn't until the late 1800's. By the time she finished thinking that, though, Gimli and Norrington were gone. So, she ran back to the boarding house. "Boromir, what did you say the Plot Device does?"
Feeling important, Boromir replied, "It makes men fall in love with little tarts; it makes the less attractive characters go away..."
Cathie interrupted him. "Yes, well, Commodore Norrington just signed Gimli up to a circus that does not exist for another hundred years! I think they are going away!"
"Gimli? In a circus? Never! Aragorn, get my bow. I shall not allow anyone to insult my dwarf... friend. Friend!" said Legolas, seeing Aragorn's crestfallen expression.
"No! Remember Mary-Sue! We will have to let him go for now" said Cathie.
"Yes, but where is all food?" said a very hungry Merry.
"The food went with Gimli" said Cathie guiltily
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" yelled the hobbits.
"Well, we should contact Tara and Willow, so they can figure out how to undo the effects of Plot Devices." Sam suggested, because he hadn't said anything in a while. So they used the magic address to tell Tara and Willow what had happened to Gimli.
Meanwhile, Legolas was trying to talk Aragorn out of a jealous fit. "You know I love you, I'm movie Legolas!! I would never go for a dwarf!! Come on, how about we go out pillaging, we are dressed for it after all." Aragorn agreed, though he was still a bit upset, but thought shiny things might make him feel better.
"How useful is Willow, if she couldn't tell the difference between book and movie Faramir," Boromir wondered out loud. "I mean, their hair is different colours."
"Maybe she never read the books," said Cathie. "But since she managed to take Faramir out of all the fanfics, I would assume she knows a thing or two about fanfiction."
Boromir sighed, "I guess you're right. But I'm worried what will happen to me if this Mary Sue doesn't like me, I'm not the most popular character. I mean, Gimli wound up in a circus, and that was just for being less attractive..." He was interrupted by Frodo and Sam suddenly laughing.
"Sorry," said Frodo sheepishly, "I guess I'm still a little peeved about you trying to tackle me."
"It's understandable," said Boromir guiltily. Though he was getting a little uncomfortable with the way Sam was glaring at him.
"I think we should get back to what's important, and that's getting the food back," said Pippin.
"No, the most important thing, Pippin, is coming up with pirate names, "said Merry, frustrated.
"No, food is far more important then pirate names."
"No, I believe you're mistaken."
Cathie started banging her head against the wall.
"I think it's safe to say that they're going to be useless for a while," sighed Frodo.
"Food!!"
"Pirate names!!"
"Food!!"
"Pirate names!!"
And so everyone who wasn't arguing started discussing how to approach Mary Sue and get the plot device away from her.
Finally Cathie had enough. "Shut up! Merry, Pippin, go to the market, buy food. Avoid everyone. Don't get distracted. Here's $100 of whatever currency this is; be back in an hour!"
Merry and Pippin left for the market. Aragorn and Legolas (who had been distracted from going scavenging by a make-up 'tussle' and Pippin and Merry's antics) joined the anti-Mary-Sue discussion. Boromir was talking. "I could take the Plot Device. I could do much good with it ..." Boromir was interrupted by Frodo.
"No, Boromir, not even Sam or I could be trusted with the PD. Our imaginations would run amuck" said Frodo.
Legolas spoke. "I have dealt with the most number of these Mary-Sue's- and Harry-Lou's- before. There is but one way to deal with them. Let the story run its course. We may lose Gimli" Legolas glared as Aragorn snickered at this-"and..."
Sam interrupted him. "Look at that man out of the window! He looks just like you, Legolas!"
Legolas looked out the window and momentarily locked eyes with the man who looked like him. Legolas continued. "As I was saying, we may lose Gimli, Boromir, even Norrington, Barbossa and..." Legolas stopped. Something was wrong.
Cathie, who loved 'Pirates of the Caribbean', had a theory. "Mary-Sue wants two of you. She wants ..." Cathie paused to heighten the dramatic tension, "She wants Legolas Turner and Will Greenleaf!"
"Duh duh duhn" said some music out of nowhere.
"Sorry, I leaned on the piano" said a voice from the boarding house parlour.
"NOOOOO!" shouted Aragorn. "This evil has gone on long enough. I shall take my sword and pierce Mary-Sue until she moans" Everyone stared at Aragorn, not sure whether to take the statement at face value or to infer something from it. Aragorn sighed. "From the pain. Of dying. From being stabbed by a steel sword thru the heart."
"No, I would be forced to rescue her. Turner Mary-Sue's like to be rescued" said Legolas, "They never die. You would be guaranteeing my marriage to her."
So, the group sat quietly, wondering what to do next and waiting for either a letter from Tara and Willow or Merry and Pippin with the food. And, as they were all very hungry, they were hoping more for the food.
Suddenly Cathie looked up...
"What is it?" asked Boromir.
"They finally updated my story." Everybody looked at her oddly, and then remembered what it was like to be a work in progress, though none had ever been an email story, as they predated email. "Boromir honey, we need to talk."
Just as Boromir and Cathie were going somewhere private to talk, they got a letter from Willow and Tara. Legolas read it, and then turned a little green. "She's going to get rid of Aragorn next," he said quietly. Everybody looked at him in shock. "Mary Sue doesn't like it when the object of her desire already has a love interest, and it seems she already got rid of Elizabeth." They were distracted by a large thud from Boromir and Cathie's room.
Cathie came running down the stairs, "Boromir fainted!"
Aragorn went to tend to Boromir, since he knew Legolas wasn't going to let him leave the boarding house anytime soon. "What happened?" he asked Cathie.
"Well, I told him I'm pregnant, because that's the new development in my story, and he just conked out. I think the authors are having a competition over who can throw the biggest curveball" sighed Cathie. "Maybe he's worried it's not his, because he's not in that story."
"No," said Aragorn, "you would have to have another lover in this story for that to be the case. He knows that. He's just very afraid of commitment." At that Cathie rolled her eyes and kicked Boromir in the side, which woke him up.
"What? Huh?" groaned Boromir. Then he noticed Aragorn laughing and an angry Cathie, and remembered what happened. He swallowed, "Hi babe."
"Well, honey, would you like to go back to the 21st century, get married, and have your baby in comfort?" Boromir continued, uncharacteristically.
Cathie nodded and said, "I think this may be a Plot Device diversion. Yet, I can't say 'no'. I am sure we will be back here soon. For now, we need to get another neutral character here."
So, they wrote a letter to Willow and Tara and sent it off.
An hour later, Merry and Pippin came in carrying enough poultry, cheese and bread to feed an army, and dozens of carrots, mushrooms, and ears of corn, plus a magic-mail letter from Tara and Willow.
"We are sending backup. He will be there soon. Eowyn and Faramir have agreed to plan your alcohol-free wedding here in McBride. We will help Cathie with getting prenatal care and will have her back in POTC verse ASAP" read Pippin.
Then, there was a knock as at the door. A man with long, silky black hair, sunglasses, and a purple suit walked in. Cathie suppressed laughter. The man spoke. "Hello Mr. Took, Mr Brandybuck, Mr..."
"Who are you and what are doing here?" Aragorn interrupted.
"I am Agent Elrond, and the authors threatened that if I did not come they would have Éomer marry Glorarwen," said Agent Elrond, "Anyways, I can infect the PD. I may be able to save something before Mary-Sue discovers me".
So, Cathie and Boromir, reassured by Agent Elrond, left for the 21st century.
The remaining people started discussing what to do with Agent Elrond. "Personally, I think that separating Legolas and Will would be a first step" said Aragorn. Everyone agreed, as they were sick of hearing Legolas's impersonations of Jack Sparrow.
Elrond put on some of Boromir's pirate gear and ventured out to find Mary- Sue. He was obviously successful, as Legolas soon stopped jabbering about not being a pirate. Agent Elrond came back to the boarding house "The good news is, I've been successful. The bad news is, I have a sudden, unavoidable urge to help Boromir with the wedding. Bye."
And with that, Agent Elrond left.
And then, Merry and Pippin fell ill while eating.
Legolas rushed to look at the food. "This smells like poison" he said, demonstrating that all his Elfish senses were back to full power.
"I guess Mary Sue isn't into hobbits," groaned Pippin
Merry looked at the perfectly healthy Sam and Frodo, and bit his lip, "maybe she's just not into us."
"No," said Frodo, "I think she's just getting rid of every character that's not Legolas, so he'll be easier to, whatever she wants to do to him."
"Well, we can't just not get Merry and Pippin help," said Aragorn, and they promptly set about looking for a doctor. Suddenly a suspiciously beautiful teenaged girl emanating a soothing blue light came up to them.
"I can help them; I conveniently have the antidote with me at all times." She said and then went about miraculously healing the hobbits.
"Really, all times," said Sam, "are you sure you haven't just been packing it since you poisoned them?" The girl was so aghast that she walked away, but not without Merry and Pippin following her like lost puppies. Frodo, Sam, Aragorn, and Legolas tackled them and dragged them back to the boarding house and locked them in their rooms.
"Well," said Sam, "I guess she really is interested in them."
"Maybe not," said Aragorn, "we don't know what her intentions with them are. We have to figure out what she gave them, both times."
"Surely the 'antidote' she gave them was some kind of mind control agent." Legolas sighed, "Luckily those are usually temporary, but it could still last for up to a week." Everybody looked at him strangely. "What?"
"How do you know so much about mind control agents?" asked Frodo.
"I don't really want to talk about it, but I swear I gave it up a long time ago." Legolas said hurriedly.
"Let's not start turning on each other, that's just what she wants." Aragorn intervened. Everyone agreed, and did not inquire into Legolas' apparently checkered past. "I think I should go distract her by jumping up and down and yelling 'I'm a diversion'." He suddenly suggested.
"Umm Aragorn?" said Legolas tentatively.
"And then while she's cooking the omelettes we all jump out from behind the toybox with the noisemakers and—" Aragorn was interrupted when Sam hit him in the head with a frying pan.
"Sorry Strider," muttered Sam, "but it's for your own good."
Legolas carried Aragorn to his room and laid him down. Frodo and Sam wrote a letter to Tara and Willow to explain what had happened, ordered dinner and chicken soup from the boarding house kitchen, got some water from the boarding houses' pump, and then went back to the suite.
Legolas put a wet cloth on Aragorn's head and then went to talk to Frodo and Sam. "We need to do something, and quick. Gimli is gone, Merry and Pippin have been poisoned, and we lost our most important weapon," said Legolas.
"Yes; Cathie knew about this world, and the strange oddities in it" said Frodo.
"Don't you mean Boromir?" interrupted Sam, "I mean, the way you've been acting, it's like he's your best friend now, and not me...oh oh."
"Sam, you ARE my best friend. You always will be!" said Frodo.
"I know. I'm sorry. Mary-Sue is just trying to mess with me" said Sam, "But I can resist it. Anyways, back to Cathie..."
"Well, yes, she's important too. But I meant Aragorn. He is a Ranger, after all" said Legolas, "It's not fair that he has been made illogical. He has always been our standard of fairness, of... oh no. What the...." said Legolas.
Singing was heard from both Merry and Pippin's room. "We all live in a yellow submarine/ a yellow submarine/ a yellow submarine..."
Frodo and Sam crept to the rooms and opened the doors; Legolas stood back, ready to catch any wayward hobbits. However, both Merry and Pippin were busy styling their hair into long mushroom cuts and attempting to sew their pirate outfits into suits.
"I think I saw this in Las Vegas" said Sam, "In the chapel next to the Elvis one. It was called a 'Beatle's Wedding'. The Beatle's were a rock and roll band back in the 1960's from Britain."
Suddenly a dart came through the window and Sam; and Frodo. Sam continued as if nothing happened, "I want my drums so we can go and entertain the world. And then I want to play with little model trains".
Legolas banged his head on the wall. Many times. In tune to the Hobbit's rendition of 'Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band'.
And then Aragorn woke up. "What's going on?" he said.
Legolas rushed to Aragorn's side, nearly in tears. "Oh, you're all right! Even Frodo and Sam have been hit by Mary-Sue. Here, have some chicken soup..."
"Where are my pink fluffy bunny slippers?" said Aragorn, "Leggy-Lou, where are they? And I want some strawberry gelatine. Can we go to the beach and make sand castles?"
And Legolas screamed. And cried. And fed Aragorn some soup.
"Who are you?!" demanded Aragorn.
"Well, I'm not really sure," said the elf as it put Gimli down. "I think I'm supposed to be Glorfindle, but since this story can't really decide whether it's based on the book or the movie, I'm sort of a mix between Glorfindle and Arwen. Anyway, I'm here to tell you that you must destroy Mary-Sue because..." Glorarwen paused, "just destroy her. She bugs me. Also, next time you dimension hop, don't forget to take your dwarf."
"Sure, ok," said Legolas
"@#%&*$@ crazy elves," muttered Gimli.
"Now, I'm leaving so I can go back to being two separate characters," and with that Glorarwen left, cursing the names of the authors.
"So, gang, we have to contact Tara and Willow and find out where Mary-Sue is-they can probably track her" said Cathie
"I could use my Horn of Gondor to beckon them. McBride must be within hearing distance of my powerful horn" said Boromir.
"We'll use the phone, Boromir dear, and leave the horn for better uses" giggled Cathie as she led everyone up to their room.
After a $20 long-distance call to Willow that left even even-tempered Legolas cursing hotel phone charges, they found out that Mary-Sue had already left for the Caribbean and in fact was already in the POTCverse Caribbean. So, Cathie booked herself, Legolas, Aragorn, Boromir, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Frodo and Gimli on a flight to the Caribbean.
They packed up, left a message explaining their plans to Faramir and Eowyn, and hopped on the plane.
The trip was less eventful than the last one, as Frodo and Sam avoided fangirls and chimpanzees by wearing Fred Durst inspired outfits, and Aragorn and Legolas were content watching the in-flight movie, "Deep Impact". However, Gimli had to be given a sedative so he would stop cursing about the high elevation, and Merry hit on the flight attendants, and was then asked to be quiet or have a harassment suit on his hands. Merry first thought they said something regarding a flight attendant's rear end in a suit, which excited him, until Cathie explained what a harassment suit was.
Once they got to the Caribbean, they did as Tara and Willow instructed and ended up in the POTCverse.
Back the hotel, Eomer was upset at being left behind. So, he went to Golden Pineapple, met up with Glorarwen who felt somewhat at ease in the crossdressing atmosphere, and both of them cursed the authors and got very, very drunk.
In the POTC universe, Legolas was getting nervous, due to the large number of Orlando Bloom fangirls. Aragorn was trying his best to calm him down. "I wouldn't worry Legolas; Mary-Sue seems to be using some evil that prevents them from coming near us." However, being reminded of Mary-Sue didn't help matters much.
"Someone needs to find her, but who can avoid being ensnared by her witchcraft?" noted Boromir.
Cathie raised her hand, "well, she won't go after me, because I'm a woman, not to mention I'm from an email story, not a movie or classic novel, and Gimli can come with me, because, well, sorry but..."
"I know, I know," sighed Gimli, "I don't get any action." So Legolas, Aragorn, Boromir and the overgrown hobbits tried to disguise themselves while Cathie and Gimli went about looking for Mary-Sue. They found her, looking very helpless, while Will Turner was trying to rescue her while doing various sexy poses and not wearing a shirt. Captain Jack Sparrow meanwhile, was praising Mary-Sue's beauty and being generally useless. Then Cathie noticed something in Mary-Sue's hand. She tapped Gimli on the shoulder and pointed it out.
"What is that?" she whispered, "it looks like some sort of computer."
Gimli's eyes widened, "it's a Plot Device!!"
Cathie and Gimli went back to report to their companions, who had made themselves resemble ugly pirates as well as they could. Legolas was trying very hard to get his hair to stop shining. Gimli looked at them dismayed, "She has an object of great evil, it will be very hard to get to her."
"It's not another ring is it, because I am sick and tired of rings." Said Frodo understandably, and everyone agreed.
"No lad, it's a..." Gimli swallowed, "...Plot Device."
"No, Not a plot device!!" yelled everyone except Cathie, who didn't know what was going on. Boromir noticed Cathie's confusion.
"A Plot Device is a great evil used by fangirls to make characters fall in love with them, to make less attractive characters conveniently disappear, and to make themselves perfect." Boromir sighed, "None of us can defeat her while she has it, for she can use it to change the personalities and abilities of herself and any fictitious character, and sometimes people from her high school."
The group decided that, for the time being, the best thing to do was hide in a boarding house. Conveniently there was one right behind them, so they went in. Surprisingly, the clerk knew they would be coming. "We received a letter from Tara and Willow, saying you would be coming. They also sent a letter for you".
Cathie snatched the letter and opened it; there were several hundred dollars of the local currency, and a note. "Tara and Willow say that they are looking for a way to disable the Plot Device. Plus, we can contact them by sending mail to the magic address on the envelope", Cathie read, ignoring the obvious question on how Tara and Willow already knew about the Plot Device.
Then Merry said, "How are we going to get food? If I can't get girls, I want food"
Cathie realized that the human-sized tweenager hobbits had huge appetites. So she went to what the clerk said was the best market in town, dragging Gimli behind her, as she would need someone to help her carry all that food. Once they got there, a tall, thin, tight-lipped, uptight man came up to Gimli. "Hello. My name is Commodore Norrington. I have decided to start a show called the 'Barnum and Bailey Circus', and you would make a wonderful Freaky Bearded Child," said Commodore Norrington.
Cathie giggled, but then Gimli surprisingly agreed. Cathie realized something was wrong. Gimli had a lot of pride and Barnum and Bailey wasn't until the late 1800's. By the time she finished thinking that, though, Gimli and Norrington were gone. So, she ran back to the boarding house. "Boromir, what did you say the Plot Device does?"
Feeling important, Boromir replied, "It makes men fall in love with little tarts; it makes the less attractive characters go away..."
Cathie interrupted him. "Yes, well, Commodore Norrington just signed Gimli up to a circus that does not exist for another hundred years! I think they are going away!"
"Gimli? In a circus? Never! Aragorn, get my bow. I shall not allow anyone to insult my dwarf... friend. Friend!" said Legolas, seeing Aragorn's crestfallen expression.
"No! Remember Mary-Sue! We will have to let him go for now" said Cathie.
"Yes, but where is all food?" said a very hungry Merry.
"The food went with Gimli" said Cathie guiltily
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" yelled the hobbits.
"Well, we should contact Tara and Willow, so they can figure out how to undo the effects of Plot Devices." Sam suggested, because he hadn't said anything in a while. So they used the magic address to tell Tara and Willow what had happened to Gimli.
Meanwhile, Legolas was trying to talk Aragorn out of a jealous fit. "You know I love you, I'm movie Legolas!! I would never go for a dwarf!! Come on, how about we go out pillaging, we are dressed for it after all." Aragorn agreed, though he was still a bit upset, but thought shiny things might make him feel better.
"How useful is Willow, if she couldn't tell the difference between book and movie Faramir," Boromir wondered out loud. "I mean, their hair is different colours."
"Maybe she never read the books," said Cathie. "But since she managed to take Faramir out of all the fanfics, I would assume she knows a thing or two about fanfiction."
Boromir sighed, "I guess you're right. But I'm worried what will happen to me if this Mary Sue doesn't like me, I'm not the most popular character. I mean, Gimli wound up in a circus, and that was just for being less attractive..." He was interrupted by Frodo and Sam suddenly laughing.
"Sorry," said Frodo sheepishly, "I guess I'm still a little peeved about you trying to tackle me."
"It's understandable," said Boromir guiltily. Though he was getting a little uncomfortable with the way Sam was glaring at him.
"I think we should get back to what's important, and that's getting the food back," said Pippin.
"No, the most important thing, Pippin, is coming up with pirate names, "said Merry, frustrated.
"No, food is far more important then pirate names."
"No, I believe you're mistaken."
Cathie started banging her head against the wall.
"I think it's safe to say that they're going to be useless for a while," sighed Frodo.
"Food!!"
"Pirate names!!"
"Food!!"
"Pirate names!!"
And so everyone who wasn't arguing started discussing how to approach Mary Sue and get the plot device away from her.
Finally Cathie had enough. "Shut up! Merry, Pippin, go to the market, buy food. Avoid everyone. Don't get distracted. Here's $100 of whatever currency this is; be back in an hour!"
Merry and Pippin left for the market. Aragorn and Legolas (who had been distracted from going scavenging by a make-up 'tussle' and Pippin and Merry's antics) joined the anti-Mary-Sue discussion. Boromir was talking. "I could take the Plot Device. I could do much good with it ..." Boromir was interrupted by Frodo.
"No, Boromir, not even Sam or I could be trusted with the PD. Our imaginations would run amuck" said Frodo.
Legolas spoke. "I have dealt with the most number of these Mary-Sue's- and Harry-Lou's- before. There is but one way to deal with them. Let the story run its course. We may lose Gimli" Legolas glared as Aragorn snickered at this-"and..."
Sam interrupted him. "Look at that man out of the window! He looks just like you, Legolas!"
Legolas looked out the window and momentarily locked eyes with the man who looked like him. Legolas continued. "As I was saying, we may lose Gimli, Boromir, even Norrington, Barbossa and..." Legolas stopped. Something was wrong.
Cathie, who loved 'Pirates of the Caribbean', had a theory. "Mary-Sue wants two of you. She wants ..." Cathie paused to heighten the dramatic tension, "She wants Legolas Turner and Will Greenleaf!"
"Duh duh duhn" said some music out of nowhere.
"Sorry, I leaned on the piano" said a voice from the boarding house parlour.
"NOOOOO!" shouted Aragorn. "This evil has gone on long enough. I shall take my sword and pierce Mary-Sue until she moans" Everyone stared at Aragorn, not sure whether to take the statement at face value or to infer something from it. Aragorn sighed. "From the pain. Of dying. From being stabbed by a steel sword thru the heart."
"No, I would be forced to rescue her. Turner Mary-Sue's like to be rescued" said Legolas, "They never die. You would be guaranteeing my marriage to her."
So, the group sat quietly, wondering what to do next and waiting for either a letter from Tara and Willow or Merry and Pippin with the food. And, as they were all very hungry, they were hoping more for the food.
Suddenly Cathie looked up...
"What is it?" asked Boromir.
"They finally updated my story." Everybody looked at her oddly, and then remembered what it was like to be a work in progress, though none had ever been an email story, as they predated email. "Boromir honey, we need to talk."
Just as Boromir and Cathie were going somewhere private to talk, they got a letter from Willow and Tara. Legolas read it, and then turned a little green. "She's going to get rid of Aragorn next," he said quietly. Everybody looked at him in shock. "Mary Sue doesn't like it when the object of her desire already has a love interest, and it seems she already got rid of Elizabeth." They were distracted by a large thud from Boromir and Cathie's room.
Cathie came running down the stairs, "Boromir fainted!"
Aragorn went to tend to Boromir, since he knew Legolas wasn't going to let him leave the boarding house anytime soon. "What happened?" he asked Cathie.
"Well, I told him I'm pregnant, because that's the new development in my story, and he just conked out. I think the authors are having a competition over who can throw the biggest curveball" sighed Cathie. "Maybe he's worried it's not his, because he's not in that story."
"No," said Aragorn, "you would have to have another lover in this story for that to be the case. He knows that. He's just very afraid of commitment." At that Cathie rolled her eyes and kicked Boromir in the side, which woke him up.
"What? Huh?" groaned Boromir. Then he noticed Aragorn laughing and an angry Cathie, and remembered what happened. He swallowed, "Hi babe."
"Well, honey, would you like to go back to the 21st century, get married, and have your baby in comfort?" Boromir continued, uncharacteristically.
Cathie nodded and said, "I think this may be a Plot Device diversion. Yet, I can't say 'no'. I am sure we will be back here soon. For now, we need to get another neutral character here."
So, they wrote a letter to Willow and Tara and sent it off.
An hour later, Merry and Pippin came in carrying enough poultry, cheese and bread to feed an army, and dozens of carrots, mushrooms, and ears of corn, plus a magic-mail letter from Tara and Willow.
"We are sending backup. He will be there soon. Eowyn and Faramir have agreed to plan your alcohol-free wedding here in McBride. We will help Cathie with getting prenatal care and will have her back in POTC verse ASAP" read Pippin.
Then, there was a knock as at the door. A man with long, silky black hair, sunglasses, and a purple suit walked in. Cathie suppressed laughter. The man spoke. "Hello Mr. Took, Mr Brandybuck, Mr..."
"Who are you and what are doing here?" Aragorn interrupted.
"I am Agent Elrond, and the authors threatened that if I did not come they would have Éomer marry Glorarwen," said Agent Elrond, "Anyways, I can infect the PD. I may be able to save something before Mary-Sue discovers me".
So, Cathie and Boromir, reassured by Agent Elrond, left for the 21st century.
The remaining people started discussing what to do with Agent Elrond. "Personally, I think that separating Legolas and Will would be a first step" said Aragorn. Everyone agreed, as they were sick of hearing Legolas's impersonations of Jack Sparrow.
Elrond put on some of Boromir's pirate gear and ventured out to find Mary- Sue. He was obviously successful, as Legolas soon stopped jabbering about not being a pirate. Agent Elrond came back to the boarding house "The good news is, I've been successful. The bad news is, I have a sudden, unavoidable urge to help Boromir with the wedding. Bye."
And with that, Agent Elrond left.
And then, Merry and Pippin fell ill while eating.
Legolas rushed to look at the food. "This smells like poison" he said, demonstrating that all his Elfish senses were back to full power.
"I guess Mary Sue isn't into hobbits," groaned Pippin
Merry looked at the perfectly healthy Sam and Frodo, and bit his lip, "maybe she's just not into us."
"No," said Frodo, "I think she's just getting rid of every character that's not Legolas, so he'll be easier to, whatever she wants to do to him."
"Well, we can't just not get Merry and Pippin help," said Aragorn, and they promptly set about looking for a doctor. Suddenly a suspiciously beautiful teenaged girl emanating a soothing blue light came up to them.
"I can help them; I conveniently have the antidote with me at all times." She said and then went about miraculously healing the hobbits.
"Really, all times," said Sam, "are you sure you haven't just been packing it since you poisoned them?" The girl was so aghast that she walked away, but not without Merry and Pippin following her like lost puppies. Frodo, Sam, Aragorn, and Legolas tackled them and dragged them back to the boarding house and locked them in their rooms.
"Well," said Sam, "I guess she really is interested in them."
"Maybe not," said Aragorn, "we don't know what her intentions with them are. We have to figure out what she gave them, both times."
"Surely the 'antidote' she gave them was some kind of mind control agent." Legolas sighed, "Luckily those are usually temporary, but it could still last for up to a week." Everybody looked at him strangely. "What?"
"How do you know so much about mind control agents?" asked Frodo.
"I don't really want to talk about it, but I swear I gave it up a long time ago." Legolas said hurriedly.
"Let's not start turning on each other, that's just what she wants." Aragorn intervened. Everyone agreed, and did not inquire into Legolas' apparently checkered past. "I think I should go distract her by jumping up and down and yelling 'I'm a diversion'." He suddenly suggested.
"Umm Aragorn?" said Legolas tentatively.
"And then while she's cooking the omelettes we all jump out from behind the toybox with the noisemakers and—" Aragorn was interrupted when Sam hit him in the head with a frying pan.
"Sorry Strider," muttered Sam, "but it's for your own good."
Legolas carried Aragorn to his room and laid him down. Frodo and Sam wrote a letter to Tara and Willow to explain what had happened, ordered dinner and chicken soup from the boarding house kitchen, got some water from the boarding houses' pump, and then went back to the suite.
Legolas put a wet cloth on Aragorn's head and then went to talk to Frodo and Sam. "We need to do something, and quick. Gimli is gone, Merry and Pippin have been poisoned, and we lost our most important weapon," said Legolas.
"Yes; Cathie knew about this world, and the strange oddities in it" said Frodo.
"Don't you mean Boromir?" interrupted Sam, "I mean, the way you've been acting, it's like he's your best friend now, and not me...oh oh."
"Sam, you ARE my best friend. You always will be!" said Frodo.
"I know. I'm sorry. Mary-Sue is just trying to mess with me" said Sam, "But I can resist it. Anyways, back to Cathie..."
"Well, yes, she's important too. But I meant Aragorn. He is a Ranger, after all" said Legolas, "It's not fair that he has been made illogical. He has always been our standard of fairness, of... oh no. What the...." said Legolas.
Singing was heard from both Merry and Pippin's room. "We all live in a yellow submarine/ a yellow submarine/ a yellow submarine..."
Frodo and Sam crept to the rooms and opened the doors; Legolas stood back, ready to catch any wayward hobbits. However, both Merry and Pippin were busy styling their hair into long mushroom cuts and attempting to sew their pirate outfits into suits.
"I think I saw this in Las Vegas" said Sam, "In the chapel next to the Elvis one. It was called a 'Beatle's Wedding'. The Beatle's were a rock and roll band back in the 1960's from Britain."
Suddenly a dart came through the window and Sam; and Frodo. Sam continued as if nothing happened, "I want my drums so we can go and entertain the world. And then I want to play with little model trains".
Legolas banged his head on the wall. Many times. In tune to the Hobbit's rendition of 'Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band'.
And then Aragorn woke up. "What's going on?" he said.
Legolas rushed to Aragorn's side, nearly in tears. "Oh, you're all right! Even Frodo and Sam have been hit by Mary-Sue. Here, have some chicken soup..."
"Where are my pink fluffy bunny slippers?" said Aragorn, "Leggy-Lou, where are they? And I want some strawberry gelatine. Can we go to the beach and make sand castles?"
And Legolas screamed. And cried. And fed Aragorn some soup.