Disclaimer: We own none of these characters; they belong to the people who
own Lord of the Rings along with Tolkein's great mind; and the makers of
Pirates of the Caribbean and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Well, we do own
Cathie. We created her.
And the (Beatle-like Cheese Product) Band Played On
Legolas realized this was exactly what Frodo said would happen. He was the only one there whose mind was his own. Then he heard it: a woman's voice, calling him. He cringed. He stood, ready to face his fate. If he was going down, he was at least going to go down fighting.
"Legolas?" said the woman, who was not Mary Sue, but actually Tara! Legolas was so relieved he ran up and hugged her. "Umm, hi," said Tara surprised, before she saw that Aragorn was asking where his bunny slippers were, and the hobbits had formed a bad Beatles cover band. "We thought you could use some help, seeing as you don't have Cathie, Boromir, Gimli, Agent Elrond, Faramir and Éowyn. Cathie and Boromir are looking after the library, and Willow is downstairs. We figured out a way to protect ourselves from the effects of the Plot Device, but unfortunately can't reverse the effects of those already affected," she looked over at Aragorn who was trying to grab fistfuls of soup and giggling. "Don't worry though, we're working on it."
"Hey," yelled Willow, excited, "Jack Sparrow is downstairs."
"CAPTIAN Jack Sparrow!" said an easily distinguished voice.
Willow rolled her eyes. "Anyway, since Mary Sue didn't seem to have any use for him after he finished praising her beauty, the effects of the Plot Device wore off. He came to help us."
Nobody asked how he knew about their mission to destroy Mary Sue.
"That's right," said Jack. "Not that I was overly affected by the PD, but since I got a good show of Will's stunts, I thought I'd play along, savvy."
Willow and Jack came upstairs to the suite. Legolas, still having some of Turner's memories, hugged Jack. "Well, you look a bit like a chap I know," said Captain Jack, hugging back enthusiastically, "but he never hugged me like this. Then again, he never had a friend for me either". Jack moved his eyebrows suggestively at Tara.
Legolas sobbed, "The hobbits think they're a band and Gimli's in a circus and Boromir is thoughtfully caring and Elrond is Agent Elrond and Aragorn is... he's..."
"A Canadian loony in a cuckoo house who's run out of rum?" said Captain Jack Sparrow. Everyone ignored Jack and the fact that the Canada was a bunch of colonies and not yet a country in the POTC universe.
"Willow and I will set up our magic in Cathie and Boromir's room so we can begin to figure out how to trump the Plot Device," said Tara.
Tara and Willow set everything up and started their magic. Jack listened to The Hobbit's, and Legolas tended to Aragorn, who was attempting to make Helm's Deep with pillows. But, even Aragorn's ramblings could not stop Legolas from hearing the magic spells and horrible singing. "Captain Jack, I have to go for a walk," he said, "I need an escort".
"To be your escort, I'll even give up talking about rum," said Captain Jack.
Legolas and Jack walked downstairs into the lobby. Standing at the desk was Mary-Sue.
"RUN!" said Captain Jack, grabbing Legolas by the arm and running out the back entrance.
Mary-Sue (and Jack) was magically able to keep up with Legolas. But, that was what Mary-Sue wanted. "Oh Legolas! I love when you run!" she called, "But please, let's stop this aerobic workout (as I don't really need it, my metabolism is perfect) and talk."
Legolas stopped.
"Leggy, we've got to keep running!" said Captain Jack.
But Legolas didn't listen. He turned around to look Mary-Sue in the eyes. She was 5'6", a size 7, with long legs; her hair, a perfect wavy auburn; her eyes, radiant green. And yet, Legolas knew what evil she possessed.
"I will no longer let you hurt my friends." Legolas said, "What do you want with me?"
Mary Sue was conflicted. It was really hot when Legolas was self- sacrificing, but he was supposed to sacrifice himself for her, not to her. "Are you sure you don't want to save me from the pirate?" she said, pointing at Jack and fiddling with the Plot Device behind her back.
"No, I just told you, I want you to leave him, and everybody else, alone." Legolas said, confused as Jack was not looking very threatening.
Mary Sue bit her lip, and tried the plot device again. Nothing happened. It seemed Tara and Willow had succeeded in protecting him and Jack from the effects of the Plot Device.
Jack and Legolas exchanged a look. "Do you feel like doing anything grossly uncharacteristic?" Legolas asked Jack.
"No, I think my character will be fine the way it is." Jack answered, "In fact, I feel like walking away from this fair lady, and going about my business as I choose to see fit."
Legolas nodded. "I would like to ask her how she intends to undo the damage she caused."
Mary Sue was getting very nervous; this was not supposed to happen. Just then, Will Turner showed up, "I'll protect you from these pirates!" he proclaimed. However, he didn't look very convincing. He still had some of Legolas' memories, and would resist hurting him as well as he could.
"Are you sure she's the one you want to protect?" Jack asked him. "What about Elizabeth?"
Will looked conflicted, and kept looking from Mary Sue to Legolas to Jack. Pippin walked up behind Will with a sitar and started talking to him about how he should give up material things and give peace a chance. Will looked at Mary Sue, "this man is making a lot of sense," he said. "I think I should give up swords and fighting and become an artist." Everybody except Pippin looked at him confused.
"Now do you see the havoc reeked by changing people's characters?" Legolas shouted at Mary Sue, who clearly wasn't expecting this. She didn't answer, but ran, still clutching the Plot Device.
"Shouldn't we go look after your friends who've gone all crazy and stupid?" Jack said to Legolas. "And we should also thank the pretty girls who made us immune".
Legolas nodded, and Jack, Legolas and Pippin began their trek back to the boarding house. Pippin was softly singing "Imagine", with Will, who was following them. Then, Will saw Elizabeth, ran over to her and said, "Let's run away to a place with no borders, with no war, with no army" he said.
"To the colonies called Canada?" said Elizabeth. Will nodded, and they ran off.
Back at the boarding house, Legolas checked on Aragorn, who was wearing a black wig and mumbling, "Give peace a chance!" while The Hobbits sang.
Legolas put his arm around Aragorn's shoulder and led him away from the hobbits, into the room where Tara and Willow were doing magic. "Have you gotten anywhere?" said Legolas.
"Well, yes. We can prevent all damage by the PD, but to actually get the PD and Mary-Sue to fix the damage, we have to get her IN here," said Willow, "You have to lure her here."
"And this will help Aragorn?" said Legolas hopefully, adding quickly, "and all my other friends too?"
Tara and Willow nodded.
Legolas left the boarding house in search of Mary-Sue, after getting some tips on seducing women from Captain Jack Sparrow. He found Mary-Sue quickly, cringed, and went up to her. "Hello, sweety" said Legolas, "Would you like to go and get some coffee or rum? In my room?"
Mary-Sue nodded her pretty head, and Legolas took her hand in his as they walked to the hotel. As they went up the steps, though, Mary-Sue paused. 'Why this sudden about-face?" she said, "You did call me a brat before".
"Well, I was drunk on...rum." Mary-Sue didn't seem to buy it, so Legolas continued, "Magic rum. Made by Arwen who...secretly...loved...me...and...wanted... to...spite...you?"
Mary-Sue smiled and they continued up to the suite. Tara, Willow and Aragorn were no-where to be seen; The Hobbit's were softly singing "I love her" in one of the bedrooms. Legolas served Mary-Sue some coffee and they chatted. Quite out of the blue, Mary-Sue said, "We're meant for each other" and kissed Legolas.
As Legolas and Mary-Sue parted, Mary-Sue burped. "I feel...funny" she said, as her hair went frizzy and lost radiance
Mary Sue placed her hand on her forehand, then her eyes widened in shock. "No!!" she gasped, "it's not possible!!!"
"What's not possible?" Legolas asked tentatively.
"I have a zit!!! I'm Mary Sue!!! Mary Sues don't get zits!!!!" She shrieked. Legolas wasn't sure whether to comfort or laugh at her.
Suddenly, Aragorn barged into the room. "How do we cure the hobbits? They're driving me to madness with their off-key Beatles covers!!"
Mary Sue looked at him meekly. "Are you sure you want to cure the hobbits, and not run through the town and warn everyone that the British are coming?"
"The British are already here you foolish tart!!!"
Mary Sue swallowed and Legolas beamed. Aragorn was back to normal, though he didn't seem to remember how he'd been acting lately, or that he was wearing a paper hat that had the words "boss man" scribbled on it. The cell phone rang. Aragorn went to get it, but not before shooting Mary Sue a disgusted look. Legolas laughed as Mary Sue squirmed uncomfortably.
"That was Cathie," Aragorn said as he came back, looking a little less dangerous. "It seems the weddings off, and they've decided to live together first."
"So I guess Cathie didn't really want a shotgun wedding," Tara said, coming out of the broom closet.
"No, actually it was the only way to get Boromir to stop hyperventilating." Aragorn corrected. Willow, who was also coming out of the broom closet, laughed at this as she smoothed out her clothes.
The hobbits also walked in the room. Sam was looking a bit mopey, "what happened to our fun pirate outfits Mr. Frodo?" he asked.
Then, Glorarwen walked in, followed by Gimli who was mumbling something about being shot out of a cannon. "You have completed your assigned task," said Glorarwen happily. "Mary Sue is destroyed, now all you have to do is destroy all the other Mary Sues and fanfiction will be safe."
Everyone groaned, "other Mary Sues?" Legolas squeaked.
"Oh yeah, they're all over the place, but I only asked you to destroy her," Glorarwen pointed at the much less radiant Mary Sue, then shrugged. "Mostly I just wanted to see if you could do it."
With that, Gimli grabbed Mary Sue by the wrist, "and now, we'll take you back to Middle Earth and teach you a few things about cannon. Book cannon."
"Let's celebrate!!" said Jack, who had been watching, bemused, "I'll get the rum. Everyone's got their, well, no one got a girl. But, everyone got some, well, no, no one got to be commodore. Tara, how about I thank-you for getting that nasty Mary-Sue to leave everyone alone?" Jack put his arm around Tara.
"Well, you could show Willow and I the Black Pearl" said Tara.
Everyone was rather interested in seeing the Black Pearl, except Legolas, who still remembered it, and Aragorn, who wanted to thank Legolas.
Aragorn had told Legolas to stay in the bedroom while Aragorn prepared the gift. When Aragorn was finally ready, he let Legolas into the main room. "I am going to give you this fine, crafted sword. Will Greenleaf crafted it with his own hands during those hours you two where intertwined. Its symbols are Elfish; yet its steel shaft, human. And yet only one fine Elf may wield it. And that elf is you, dear Legolas."
Legolas was elated. "Aragorn! You are truly the most blessed friend I could have! But," Legolas paused, slightly embarrassed, "could we practice with it a little?"
Aragorn smiled, and the two practiced their fine craft.
Everyone was rather happy to be able to get out of the POTC verse. Mary-Sue's were beginning to notice them, as the PD shield no longer worked. And finally, after three days and several incidents, everyone was back in McBride. Cathie and Boromir were disappointed with not being able to return to POTC verse; but Boromir was relieved with the fact that he could spend another few weeks not committing to marriage. Sam and Frodo loved being back in the library, and with must gusto set about reading every book and becoming the best cute, male tweenager librarians they could be.
Merry and Pippin set about finding some work, but then Merry found out about the hot girls at Northern University of BC in Prince George. So, he and Pippin registered for the fall semester; Tara and Willow made sure they had the right credentials.
In fact, most of what Tara and Willow did was creating various documents for the Middle Earth folks to use in currentverse. Aragorn decided to be become an RCMP officer, because Legolas said he would look good in the red suit; and Legolas became a psychiatrist. Gimli was getting sick of the light and decided to move to the darkest place around- Ottawa. He soon became an advocate of easy-access buildings.
Faramir and Eowyn moved out of the library and bought their own house. Eowyn become a pre-school teacher, being a fan of little immature creatures. Faramir became a professor.
Everyone was very happy living their lives in McBride. However, one day, looking out the library window, Frodo and Sam noticed a strange amount of young male and female tourists. None of these people went in to the library, of course; but nevertheless, it was worrisome. Very, very worrisome.
And the (Beatle-like Cheese Product) Band Played On
Legolas realized this was exactly what Frodo said would happen. He was the only one there whose mind was his own. Then he heard it: a woman's voice, calling him. He cringed. He stood, ready to face his fate. If he was going down, he was at least going to go down fighting.
"Legolas?" said the woman, who was not Mary Sue, but actually Tara! Legolas was so relieved he ran up and hugged her. "Umm, hi," said Tara surprised, before she saw that Aragorn was asking where his bunny slippers were, and the hobbits had formed a bad Beatles cover band. "We thought you could use some help, seeing as you don't have Cathie, Boromir, Gimli, Agent Elrond, Faramir and Éowyn. Cathie and Boromir are looking after the library, and Willow is downstairs. We figured out a way to protect ourselves from the effects of the Plot Device, but unfortunately can't reverse the effects of those already affected," she looked over at Aragorn who was trying to grab fistfuls of soup and giggling. "Don't worry though, we're working on it."
"Hey," yelled Willow, excited, "Jack Sparrow is downstairs."
"CAPTIAN Jack Sparrow!" said an easily distinguished voice.
Willow rolled her eyes. "Anyway, since Mary Sue didn't seem to have any use for him after he finished praising her beauty, the effects of the Plot Device wore off. He came to help us."
Nobody asked how he knew about their mission to destroy Mary Sue.
"That's right," said Jack. "Not that I was overly affected by the PD, but since I got a good show of Will's stunts, I thought I'd play along, savvy."
Willow and Jack came upstairs to the suite. Legolas, still having some of Turner's memories, hugged Jack. "Well, you look a bit like a chap I know," said Captain Jack, hugging back enthusiastically, "but he never hugged me like this. Then again, he never had a friend for me either". Jack moved his eyebrows suggestively at Tara.
Legolas sobbed, "The hobbits think they're a band and Gimli's in a circus and Boromir is thoughtfully caring and Elrond is Agent Elrond and Aragorn is... he's..."
"A Canadian loony in a cuckoo house who's run out of rum?" said Captain Jack Sparrow. Everyone ignored Jack and the fact that the Canada was a bunch of colonies and not yet a country in the POTC universe.
"Willow and I will set up our magic in Cathie and Boromir's room so we can begin to figure out how to trump the Plot Device," said Tara.
Tara and Willow set everything up and started their magic. Jack listened to The Hobbit's, and Legolas tended to Aragorn, who was attempting to make Helm's Deep with pillows. But, even Aragorn's ramblings could not stop Legolas from hearing the magic spells and horrible singing. "Captain Jack, I have to go for a walk," he said, "I need an escort".
"To be your escort, I'll even give up talking about rum," said Captain Jack.
Legolas and Jack walked downstairs into the lobby. Standing at the desk was Mary-Sue.
"RUN!" said Captain Jack, grabbing Legolas by the arm and running out the back entrance.
Mary-Sue (and Jack) was magically able to keep up with Legolas. But, that was what Mary-Sue wanted. "Oh Legolas! I love when you run!" she called, "But please, let's stop this aerobic workout (as I don't really need it, my metabolism is perfect) and talk."
Legolas stopped.
"Leggy, we've got to keep running!" said Captain Jack.
But Legolas didn't listen. He turned around to look Mary-Sue in the eyes. She was 5'6", a size 7, with long legs; her hair, a perfect wavy auburn; her eyes, radiant green. And yet, Legolas knew what evil she possessed.
"I will no longer let you hurt my friends." Legolas said, "What do you want with me?"
Mary Sue was conflicted. It was really hot when Legolas was self- sacrificing, but he was supposed to sacrifice himself for her, not to her. "Are you sure you don't want to save me from the pirate?" she said, pointing at Jack and fiddling with the Plot Device behind her back.
"No, I just told you, I want you to leave him, and everybody else, alone." Legolas said, confused as Jack was not looking very threatening.
Mary Sue bit her lip, and tried the plot device again. Nothing happened. It seemed Tara and Willow had succeeded in protecting him and Jack from the effects of the Plot Device.
Jack and Legolas exchanged a look. "Do you feel like doing anything grossly uncharacteristic?" Legolas asked Jack.
"No, I think my character will be fine the way it is." Jack answered, "In fact, I feel like walking away from this fair lady, and going about my business as I choose to see fit."
Legolas nodded. "I would like to ask her how she intends to undo the damage she caused."
Mary Sue was getting very nervous; this was not supposed to happen. Just then, Will Turner showed up, "I'll protect you from these pirates!" he proclaimed. However, he didn't look very convincing. He still had some of Legolas' memories, and would resist hurting him as well as he could.
"Are you sure she's the one you want to protect?" Jack asked him. "What about Elizabeth?"
Will looked conflicted, and kept looking from Mary Sue to Legolas to Jack. Pippin walked up behind Will with a sitar and started talking to him about how he should give up material things and give peace a chance. Will looked at Mary Sue, "this man is making a lot of sense," he said. "I think I should give up swords and fighting and become an artist." Everybody except Pippin looked at him confused.
"Now do you see the havoc reeked by changing people's characters?" Legolas shouted at Mary Sue, who clearly wasn't expecting this. She didn't answer, but ran, still clutching the Plot Device.
"Shouldn't we go look after your friends who've gone all crazy and stupid?" Jack said to Legolas. "And we should also thank the pretty girls who made us immune".
Legolas nodded, and Jack, Legolas and Pippin began their trek back to the boarding house. Pippin was softly singing "Imagine", with Will, who was following them. Then, Will saw Elizabeth, ran over to her and said, "Let's run away to a place with no borders, with no war, with no army" he said.
"To the colonies called Canada?" said Elizabeth. Will nodded, and they ran off.
Back at the boarding house, Legolas checked on Aragorn, who was wearing a black wig and mumbling, "Give peace a chance!" while The Hobbits sang.
Legolas put his arm around Aragorn's shoulder and led him away from the hobbits, into the room where Tara and Willow were doing magic. "Have you gotten anywhere?" said Legolas.
"Well, yes. We can prevent all damage by the PD, but to actually get the PD and Mary-Sue to fix the damage, we have to get her IN here," said Willow, "You have to lure her here."
"And this will help Aragorn?" said Legolas hopefully, adding quickly, "and all my other friends too?"
Tara and Willow nodded.
Legolas left the boarding house in search of Mary-Sue, after getting some tips on seducing women from Captain Jack Sparrow. He found Mary-Sue quickly, cringed, and went up to her. "Hello, sweety" said Legolas, "Would you like to go and get some coffee or rum? In my room?"
Mary-Sue nodded her pretty head, and Legolas took her hand in his as they walked to the hotel. As they went up the steps, though, Mary-Sue paused. 'Why this sudden about-face?" she said, "You did call me a brat before".
"Well, I was drunk on...rum." Mary-Sue didn't seem to buy it, so Legolas continued, "Magic rum. Made by Arwen who...secretly...loved...me...and...wanted... to...spite...you?"
Mary-Sue smiled and they continued up to the suite. Tara, Willow and Aragorn were no-where to be seen; The Hobbit's were softly singing "I love her" in one of the bedrooms. Legolas served Mary-Sue some coffee and they chatted. Quite out of the blue, Mary-Sue said, "We're meant for each other" and kissed Legolas.
As Legolas and Mary-Sue parted, Mary-Sue burped. "I feel...funny" she said, as her hair went frizzy and lost radiance
Mary Sue placed her hand on her forehand, then her eyes widened in shock. "No!!" she gasped, "it's not possible!!!"
"What's not possible?" Legolas asked tentatively.
"I have a zit!!! I'm Mary Sue!!! Mary Sues don't get zits!!!!" She shrieked. Legolas wasn't sure whether to comfort or laugh at her.
Suddenly, Aragorn barged into the room. "How do we cure the hobbits? They're driving me to madness with their off-key Beatles covers!!"
Mary Sue looked at him meekly. "Are you sure you want to cure the hobbits, and not run through the town and warn everyone that the British are coming?"
"The British are already here you foolish tart!!!"
Mary Sue swallowed and Legolas beamed. Aragorn was back to normal, though he didn't seem to remember how he'd been acting lately, or that he was wearing a paper hat that had the words "boss man" scribbled on it. The cell phone rang. Aragorn went to get it, but not before shooting Mary Sue a disgusted look. Legolas laughed as Mary Sue squirmed uncomfortably.
"That was Cathie," Aragorn said as he came back, looking a little less dangerous. "It seems the weddings off, and they've decided to live together first."
"So I guess Cathie didn't really want a shotgun wedding," Tara said, coming out of the broom closet.
"No, actually it was the only way to get Boromir to stop hyperventilating." Aragorn corrected. Willow, who was also coming out of the broom closet, laughed at this as she smoothed out her clothes.
The hobbits also walked in the room. Sam was looking a bit mopey, "what happened to our fun pirate outfits Mr. Frodo?" he asked.
Then, Glorarwen walked in, followed by Gimli who was mumbling something about being shot out of a cannon. "You have completed your assigned task," said Glorarwen happily. "Mary Sue is destroyed, now all you have to do is destroy all the other Mary Sues and fanfiction will be safe."
Everyone groaned, "other Mary Sues?" Legolas squeaked.
"Oh yeah, they're all over the place, but I only asked you to destroy her," Glorarwen pointed at the much less radiant Mary Sue, then shrugged. "Mostly I just wanted to see if you could do it."
With that, Gimli grabbed Mary Sue by the wrist, "and now, we'll take you back to Middle Earth and teach you a few things about cannon. Book cannon."
"Let's celebrate!!" said Jack, who had been watching, bemused, "I'll get the rum. Everyone's got their, well, no one got a girl. But, everyone got some, well, no, no one got to be commodore. Tara, how about I thank-you for getting that nasty Mary-Sue to leave everyone alone?" Jack put his arm around Tara.
"Well, you could show Willow and I the Black Pearl" said Tara.
Everyone was rather interested in seeing the Black Pearl, except Legolas, who still remembered it, and Aragorn, who wanted to thank Legolas.
Aragorn had told Legolas to stay in the bedroom while Aragorn prepared the gift. When Aragorn was finally ready, he let Legolas into the main room. "I am going to give you this fine, crafted sword. Will Greenleaf crafted it with his own hands during those hours you two where intertwined. Its symbols are Elfish; yet its steel shaft, human. And yet only one fine Elf may wield it. And that elf is you, dear Legolas."
Legolas was elated. "Aragorn! You are truly the most blessed friend I could have! But," Legolas paused, slightly embarrassed, "could we practice with it a little?"
Aragorn smiled, and the two practiced their fine craft.
Everyone was rather happy to be able to get out of the POTC verse. Mary-Sue's were beginning to notice them, as the PD shield no longer worked. And finally, after three days and several incidents, everyone was back in McBride. Cathie and Boromir were disappointed with not being able to return to POTC verse; but Boromir was relieved with the fact that he could spend another few weeks not committing to marriage. Sam and Frodo loved being back in the library, and with must gusto set about reading every book and becoming the best cute, male tweenager librarians they could be.
Merry and Pippin set about finding some work, but then Merry found out about the hot girls at Northern University of BC in Prince George. So, he and Pippin registered for the fall semester; Tara and Willow made sure they had the right credentials.
In fact, most of what Tara and Willow did was creating various documents for the Middle Earth folks to use in currentverse. Aragorn decided to be become an RCMP officer, because Legolas said he would look good in the red suit; and Legolas became a psychiatrist. Gimli was getting sick of the light and decided to move to the darkest place around- Ottawa. He soon became an advocate of easy-access buildings.
Faramir and Eowyn moved out of the library and bought their own house. Eowyn become a pre-school teacher, being a fan of little immature creatures. Faramir became a professor.
Everyone was very happy living their lives in McBride. However, one day, looking out the library window, Frodo and Sam noticed a strange amount of young male and female tourists. None of these people went in to the library, of course; but nevertheless, it was worrisome. Very, very worrisome.