There was just pain. It was so intense, that it blocked almost everything else out. She managed to stare ahead. It was the only thing at the moment keeping her head from exploding. So much had just happened to her and in such a short time. But there was one thing that was helping. There was a presence she could sense. Her eyes weren't really focusing. But she knew what was giving her this oh so little comfort.
Kennedy. She had stayed with her. The potential slayer wouldn't leave her, even when she had blocked her. The woman wouldn't give up. That was partly her personality, but also there seemed to be something more. There was that splitting headache again. Trying to think only made the pain worse.
"I'm gonna make that tea, now." The voice was so soft and tender, like it was afraid that it would shatter something delicate if it were too loud. The tenderness made her look up from a moment. The tenderness took away some of the pain. "I won't be long. You just rest and relax. If you need anything, I'll do it for you. I'll do anything for you, I promise." She'd do anything for her? The thought was a pleasant one. Somebody to take care of her. It had been so long. But no, there was pain and emptiness. A void left by a certain blonde. Was that a void that this brash young woman could fill?
"That'd be nice." It took a lot of effort to even manage those few words. Breathing wasn't an easy thing either. So many memories were flooding her mind at once. "Thanks." Again, could she really count on this woman for what she needed. Would she give her the time and space to heal? Willow desperately hoped so. If only she could be sure that it was all right to even think about moving on now that Tara was...
"I'll try and be quick." The words barely penetrated her mind. Something was happening. She returned to staring into space. But it wasn't long before there was more than emptiness. Suddenly, there was a bright light before her. It hurt her eyes and made her headache even worse.
After the light dimmed a little, she could see an all too familiar form in front of her. Her heart skipped a few beats. It couldn't really be. It had to be The First playing some cruel trick on her. Or she really was being punished for even thinking about moving on with somebody else. After all, Tara was her everything, her always. They had been meant to be together forever, no matter what. Even death couldn't separate them.
"Tara, is that really you?" Her voice was a whisper. She didn't want the dark haired woman in the kitchen knowing. Knowing that she was possibly talking to her dead lover.
"It's me, Sweetie." The warmth of her smile washed over Willow. It was a feeling she hadn't felt since the last time she had held Tara in her arms. Just before that bullet...
"I really did mess things up, didn't eye?" Her voice was even softer. "I let you go, and now I'm being punished, as I should be." She felt like crying, but no tears would come. The day had emotionally drained her, and not a tear would fall. "I don't even deserve to see you now."
"That's just nonsense, and you know it." The ghostly apparition came closer. "You need to find a way to live again, Sweetie. You are dying right now. And I don't want to see you do that to yourself."
"You're dead." Willow stared at the blonde. "Why can't I be? I could be with you again and we could continue our forever like we were meant to be. And no stray bullet would change that."
Tara shook her head. "That's not the kind of dying I was talking about. I was talking about your heart. You might physically live for a long time, but your heart is dying. It will make you not feel anything. It will make you not love ever again. And that would be a shame. Kennedy really is a good woman, once you get to know her."
That snapped Willow out of her staring. "You know about me a-and Kennedy?" The ghostly Tara nodded. "And you're not angry that I even thought about moving on? How can that be?"
Tara laughed a small laugh. "I made sure that you two found each other. I've been watching out for you since I died. You two are so different but yet are a lot alike. You just have to take the time to learn about each other. And, yes, I like her too. She'll be good to you, Sweetie. She'll help you learn to live again. Don't shut yourself down just because I'm not with you on the earthly realm. I'm in your heart. Always. And I will always be watching over you."
"Tara?" Willow began staring into space as the ghostly figure seemed to evaporate into the air surrounding her. A little movement caught her eye. Kennedy had come back into the room. The pain had returned the minute that Tara had gone. But it eased considerably at the thought that Kennedy was near. But she was till frozen. She couldn't make herself say anything. She wanted to talk to Kennedy, to give her a chance.
She saw a figure flash before her. Kennedy was heading for the stairs. Finally, she managed to find her voice. "Don't go." Those were simple words. But it was all she could find to say at the moment. Her heart was still hurting. Less and less, but there was still a lot of pain.
"Are you sure?" Those words were somehow a little amusing and it brought on just the hint of a smile to her face. It was the first time she had smiled since their first kiss. Since all the pain had flowed into her and overloaded her mind. "Do you want to talk about it?" The voice was cracking. Why was she having trouble getting the words out? As she said it, she made her way to sit next to the red head.
Willow could feel her face actually light up. For the briefest of moments, she felt her heart feel like it had. But than, there was Tara flashing in her mind. Her smile faded as fast as it had shown up. Could she tell her about the vision she had had? "I'm not sure." Willow didn't want to hurt her. She was trying so hard to be there for her and yet give her the space she needed. But she was the one that had been in space all this time. "I've been distant. I'm sorry."
Willow watched her shake her head. "No. You have nothing to be sorry about. It was me. I pushed you way too hard. I didn't realize that you weren't ready. It's what I do. I push until I get what I want. I am so, so stupid. You weren't ready for this. And now, look what I've done to you." She turned her face away, as if in shame. As if this were all her fault.
Smiling, Willow took her hand and gently put it on the so soft skin of the potential slayer. She made the dark haired woman turn back to look at her. "That's not what I was talking about. Yes, you did push. A little too much. The distant thing I'm talking about is the past few minutes. It's..."
Willow felt the gentle touch of Kennedy on her face. Far more gentle than she would have ever thought possible. "You don't have to explain. And don't let me off the hook. I know that it's my fault that things are this bad. I shouldn't have kissed you. The date thingy was a little too much. But it was doable. The kiss, that's where I overstepped and I'm so sorry."
"I'm not." The words came out before she realized what she was saying. And she meant them, that's what was surprising. Tara's words were beginning to sink in. She hadn't been living. Not really. She was only going through the motions and letting everyone think she was happy and all right. When everyday was a nightmare. But the woman sitting next to her had broken that spell and was starting a new one.
"But..." Willow waited for the woman to finish. She always had something to say. In every situation, Kennedy always had some comment, whether of the good or the bad. But she sat silent. Only staring at her with a question mark on her face. That oh so beautiful face.
"There are no buts." She smiled. The old Willow smile that had made Tara so happy and everyone else teased her was so big it would light up a room. Again, the pain seemed to fade. It was barely noticeable at this point. "You did me a huge favor. Thank you. I will always be grateful."
Confused. That was the only way to describe the look on the dark haired woman's face. It made Willow want to laugh, but no. That wasn't the right thing to do. There was so much that had happened, it was no wonder she was confused. Especially her thanking her. "What exactly are you talking about? What did I do?"
She felt the smile as it became steady. Like it once had been for her. "Exactly what you said you were going to do." Tara had been right. She hadn't been living since her death. What was that song Buffy had sung. 'Going through the motions?' After Tara's death, Buffy had confided that in her. It so perfectly fit the way she had been living her life. Until now. Until this wonderful woman sitting next to her had livened things up. Tara was right. It was exactly what she had needed. She needed that spark to keep herself living and not going through the motions. The pain was still there. But it was a different kind of pain. It was the pain of loss, but a remembrance of what life had to offer. The love and goodness behind the pain. "You brought me back to life."