The Darkest Night
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In the darkest hour
Of the darkest night
A little girl wonders
When is everything
Gonna turn out right
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Joan stalked out of her house and into the dark night. She didn't want to be there right now. Tears stained her face as she walked down the street with her arms wrapped around herself. Everything had gone down hill the minute she got to school. She knew she should of called in sick this morning. She felt like a failure, more today than ever. She had some how made Grace angry at her, more so than usual, which for some reason she can't comprehend made Luke mad at her as well. She couldn't recall anything she'd done or said to piss her off. Of course there was always the off chance it was something didn't say or do. That being said brought the other moment that made today horrible. After school she had gone over to Adam's, hoping to talk with him before going home. He always put her in a better mood. He didn't even have to speak, just being there was more than enough comfort.
She had walked up to the shed and noticed the door was half open. She was about to knock when she heard some giggling. She didn't think Adam giggled, so that meant Iris must've been there. She peeked in and found them sitting at his workbench, both smiling, laughing and working on his art. And it wasn't just any art. It was for her. Joan swore she felt her heart shatter. As far as she knew, aside from school, he didn't make anything for anyone aside from herself and his mother. She feared to think he had finally moved on. She wanted to be happy for him, but she also thought there would always be a second chance for her. Now she knew. She quietly crept away from the shed, tears in her eyes as she trudged home.
She wasn't sure what startled her more, Adam and Iris or being witness to her parents fighting. She loved her parents, as much as they annoyed her sometimes. But this ... this was bad. She stood there in front room watching them. They hadn't noticed her yet, so she just continued to watch, tears slowly making their way down her cheeks. She didn't know what she was more tired of, the yelling, name calling or the slamming of the doors. Her mind had reeled with a million possibilities of what might happen next. She felt trapped. Like she was cornered in front of a huge beast as she waited for it to devour her.
She felt like she failed somehow. That she failed Adam, Grace, her family. More importantly herself. It seemed like all she did was make mistakes, say something wrong or make someone mad. She sniffled lightly as she walked aimlessly about Arcadia. Joan stumbled a little, the ground wet from the rain that had started to fall. Her hair was messed and dripping, but she didn't care. She looked down and seen something glistening in the street light. She bent down, picked it up and looked at before walking off. She looked up again when came to a partially opened iron gate. She had somehow made her way to the cemetery. Slowly she walked in and made her way through the various graves to one in particular.
Joan liked the cemetery. She didn't think it was creepy or haunted in any way. If anything she thought of it as a sanctuary. It was always peaceful and quiet there. She stood in front of the grave of Mrs. Rove before walking over to a nearby tree. She dropped down to the ground indian style and leaned back against the tree. The rain dripped down her face, washing away her sadness and hurt. It felt .. cleansing in a way. She breathed in the clean air and slowly exhaled. She leaned forward a little, her arms on her legs as she looked at the object she picked up.
The light crunch of wet leaves alerted her to anothers presence. She knew who it was, she didn't have to look, make a guess or wonder who followed her. She looked up at him, the rain falling lightly on her face. He was in the same form he had appeared in the first day she met him. He smiled softly at her.
"Hello Joan" He said quietly.
"Hey." She replied. No snide remarks or snippy comments this time, no back talking or rude words.
He held out his hand to her and motioned for her to get up. "C'mon Joan, I'll walk you home."
"No"
"Joan .."
"I said no. Remember that free will thing you keep telling me about? Well I'm using it. You could just make me, you are God. But then that'd be against my will." She said firmly, looking back down at the ground.
CuteBoy!God let out a soft, heavy sigh and sat down next to her under the tree. He watched her play with the object in her hand, turning it over and over between her fingers, waiting patiently for her to speak when she was ready too.
"I found this on the way over here. I don't know why I picked it up." She said, holding up the object, which now revealed itself to be a small broken blade. "I keep meaning to toss it away ... but I can't." She said with a bitter laugh. "Sometimes I think ... that it'd be better without me. I've messed up so many times ... I feel like I'm constantly losing and that I'm all alone in this."
"You're not alone Joan, you know that. You have so many people around you." He then reached over and took the blade from her fingers and threw it out into the night.
She smiled slightly at his words "I know, but it feels that way. Alot. Specially tonight." She leaned back against the tree and closed her eyes.
"There's always going to be times like that Joan, when you think there's no one else but you. But there isn't. You make it that way. And you don't have to."
"But I can't talk to them about the things I want to talk about. I try, but it comes out all jumbled and stupid." She sighed and laid her head against his shoulder as she spoke "I say things I don't mean, well .. I do kinda, but later I regret. I talk or act without thinking. Like with Iris. I try to be nice to her, I really do. But every time I open my mouth something stupid or rude comes out. And the more I do it, the more I push Adam away from me. I've tried to accept that they're together, but it's so hard." She said, tears shining in her eyes.
"Nothing comes easy Joan. Sometimes you've got to wait it out. Ever heard the saying "best things are worth waiting for?"
"So if I wait he'll give me another chance. No wait, you won't answer that anyways." She sighed heavily. "See, this is another thing. I do that. I know I'm supposed to be learning and I am, but it's like .. I never think about it until after it's happened. I don't think things through."
"Impulse, Joan. You're only human. It's in your nature to be impulsive. You're also a teenager. You're going to over think things and exaggerate. Like with your parents?" He said with a smirk.
"Yeah .. I did I guess. I just ... I've never seen them fight like that before." She said quietly, lightly picking at his brown coat.
"They go through the same hardships as you Joan, they just do it differently. Everyone handles things differently. It's what makes them unique."
"Will it always be like this? This hard I mean?"
"There will always be hard times. It's part of life. It's something to learn from."
"I don't think I'll be able to handle it if it's anything like how it's been."
"You're strong, that's one of the reasons why I chose you. I know you will. I'm omniscient remember?"
Joan laughed a little, the first time that day. "Yeah I know. It just all seems so impossible sometimes."
"I would never give you anything you weren't ready to handle. You need to trust me Joan, to trust that I would never give you more than you can do. Anything beyond that is what you do yourself."
"I never looked at it like that before. I guess I always got too mad that it was going to effect my "plans" or something. Not that I have plans anymore."
CuteBoy!God chuckled quietly "They won't be mad forever. They'll get over it and everything will be back to normal."
"As normal as it can be." She snorted.
Joan sighed quietly to herself as she sat there, leaning against him comfortably. It never occurred to her that he was also one of her "friends" that she could talk to. She was amazed by how easily she spoke to him about her problems and what was bothering her. And that she had found comfort where she least expected it to be.
"I guess ... I should go home now huh?" She asked, looking up at him.
He nodded "They're worried about you. When they ask, don't lie to them."
"Okay." She said as she got up from under the tree. She brushed the wet grass off her jeans and the tree bark off her shirt. Joan tilted her head as she watched him get up from ground as she had. He looked so normal in that brief moment, just like any other human being.
CuteBoy!God looked over at Joan and raised his brow. She smiled "Walk me home?" He smiled in return and nodded. They both walked out of the cemetery and onto the empty streets of Arcadia. The rain had stopped and the clouds opened up to a beautiful starlit sky.
Joan shoved her hands in her pockets when she spoke "Thank you for listening to me. It felt good to get everything out to someone who understands. I didn't feel so alone."
"You'll never be alone Joan. I'll be there for you, whenever or wherever you need me. You won't always see me, but I'll always be listening."
Joan smiled to herself. "Thank you, it helps to hear it sometimes. It makes everything seem a little bit easier."
They came to her house and stopped just before the driveway. "Thanks for walking with me, and ... goodnight."
"Goodnight Joan."
She gave him a small wave and turned towards her house, knowing what was to come but now knowing she couldn't handle it. Knowing now that even in her darkest hour, she'll never be alone.
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End
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