(Updated 11-01-04.)

Bill Nye The Science Guy Chapter 9

Bill ran over to the guy with the machine-gun-and-hostage-toting figure. It wasn't E-Dawg after all, it was a minion and Charlotte! Well, actually, it wasn't a minion because you actually had to describe this one. It was Arnold Shwarzenneger.

"Oh no! It's Arnold Shrawzineeger . . . Shoowarzooginer . . . Sharzaneyger . . . damn it, I can't spell that, let alone pronounce it!"

"It's pronounced Shwartz-in-rod-ree-gez," said Arnold. Charlotte said nothing because she was trapped in a cage Arnold had the tied to himself. He was lifting it up and down like a dumbbell. "Very easy to pronounce, if you ask me. But even I can't spell it without hyphens."

"Oh, I'm sure I could if you tried," said Bill. "We need a moral right now. How about making it 'believe in yourself'? Go and get a spelling dictionary. You can do it if you believe in the heart of the cards, Arnold! Believe!"

Everyone cheered.

"I will be back in 3 minutes and 43 seconds!" shouted Arnold and ran off, dropping the cage. It crashed into the ground and Charlotte spilled out. Bill helped her get to her feet.

"Bill, I have found out terrible things! I was drawn to the sound of Arnold's monotone voice, and he trapped me in this cage. He's not a minion of E-Dawg, E-Dawg is a minion of him!"

"What?" shouted Bill, dropping Charlotte. "How in the world did he get so much power?"

"The Californians elected him as governor a while ago. Aliens were attacking, and they figured that since he was an action star, he could protect them from the invaders. What, don't you watch CNN?"

"Hey, I'm pretty busy. Working on the show is . . . hard work. Like, just last week we were doing the nuclear weapons episode and the kids got radioactive waste all over my brand new carpet, and I had to clean for-"

"Shut up, Bill," growled Charlotte. She got up and brushed herself off. "Anyway, shortly after Arnold became governor, he passed a bill saying he was the ultimate dictator slash god of California. Since we live in Ambiguous Fan-fic World, he just assumed E-Dawg was Californian and said he had this henchman, B-Playg, who would attack him if he didn't do this evil plot of his."

"How do you know all this stuff?"

"Newbia told me, she's the author of mine who I love so dearly and do not want to damn and who does not fuck sheep and who knows everything, remember?"

"Oh, yeah. Then why can't she stop Arnold?"

"An new episode of Lost is on! She's got a lot more on her mind than silly evil overlords, like polar bears!"

At that point, 3 minutes and 43 seconds had passed, and Arnold came back.

"Couldn't find it," he sighed. " I suppose we'll never know..." Creepy Twilight Zone theme song music played. "Anyway, I declare that you live in California, not Ambiguous Fan Fic world, so I control you and-"

"Wait, sir," came a heroic voice from somewhere. Chief appeared in a puff of air spelling of pine sol, riding his trusty steed, Deus Ex Machina. "I know you probably expected no one to know what ambiguous meant, being an entire three syllables long, but I do! It means someone from Wisconsin. They are not under your control."

"That's not what ambiguous means!" sputtered Arnold.

"How would you know? English isn't your native language."

"Actually, it is," explained Arnold. "I'm Australian, not Austrian. That was just a typo."

"Well, maybe ambiguous is American slang for Wisconsin. Go get a dictionary. You will be back in 48 hours, 12 seconds."

"Can I have 49 hours? It takes a while for me to find stuff."

"Alright, if you insist."

"Ok," said Chief, "That gives us plenty of time to make a get away!" They all jumped on Chief's steed and ran away into the sunset.

"Yeah, but not now, I'm getting sunburned, " whined Charlotte, "Let's play cards instead!" They stopped riding and went into a nearby casino.

"Hearts?" suggested Bill.

"No, BS," said Charlotte.

"But I want Hearts!"

"BS!"

"HEARTS!"

"BS!"

"Poker!" shouted Chief.

Authors Notes: Will they play Hearts, BS, or Poker? Who will win at said game? Will Jemima ever marry Greg? Oh yeah, and that whole evil plot of Arnold. Tune in next time for As The World Doesn't Move In Any Extraordinary Way.