Disclaimer: Check back on part 1 for the long version. Basic gist being:
Joss owns all. He's lucky bastard. The bid's still standing. I get no
profit from this.
Part 3
As Spike just strode off after saying she needed to work on her "discreetness" Willow just turned as red in the face as one could without dying of embarrassment. She wished that she could think of a witty remark or at the very least deny everything, unfortunately her head decided to freeze at this perfect time.
Spike had walked out of the crypt, the victor. He didn't need to see the witch's face to see her pure, unadulterated, shock but he had to resist turning around or he may just have kissed her then and there. He loved the way that he was in complete control and to tell the truth he did get off on the sheer terror that came off of her in waves. What could he do about? He was a vampire for Christ's sake; he was supposed to get off on stuff like that.
As he walked along, he began to contemplate his unlife right now. He was basically a neutered vampire helping out a Slayer and he couldn't even how decent fun without rolling around in pain. However when he was with Willow he didn't feel the need to go through the misery of going over his problems. Yeah. he was to busy making her life a hell.
It was surprising that she still treated him like a person. It was obvious that Xander wanted nothing more than to see him as a pile of dust and Buffy, well Buffy probably wanted him gone, what with all of his murderous schemes and all. And Anya? Anya wasn't worth the thought, but the only thing he could think of was that she was probably the horniest thing he'd ever met. Yeah, Willow was certainly the best person there. She was always so happy and cheerful; it was amazing how she did so well to cover her feelings all the time. She had to have some problems in that mind of hers right? It can't all be peaches and cream in there. The blood in her veins was probably as sweet as she was. He always wondered what her blood tasted, and he wondered if he should let her know. Oi, that'd come off great.
"Hey Will! Guess what? I'd like nothing more than to bury my face in that gorgeous white neck of yours!" Unbeknownst to Spike though, Willow had managed to gather up her remaining pride and catch up with him. Due to him being caught unawares he got to enjoy getting smacked in the back of the head with Willow's bag.
"Good god Spike! I mean it's not like I didn't know but still." Willow did her best impersonation of a British accent, which to Spike was just plain appalling. "You'd like nuthin' more 'en sucking ol' Red here dry and killing the bloody rest of us!"
"That was just bloody awful!" Spike, as revolted as, he was he found her accent to be hilarious and almost fell down while walking. "Shouldn't you be getting' home luv? After all, li'l girls shouldn't be out in a cemetery at night. 'Specially in this hellhole of a town, what with the Hellmouth and all."
"And shouldn't neutered vampires watch what their saying in case they get bitch slapped?" Spike knew that something was very. well, off. Willow was never one to swear or resort to violence to get her way. That was Buffy's deal.
"What's with you today? Your just the regular spitfire aren't you?" Spike hadn't meant for his comment to be insulting, just the usual Spikeyness, but Willow, being in the condition she was took the time to go into another mood swing.
"And what is that supposed to mean? That Willow has to just be the boring girl no one ever notices?" With that, she started to whine even more and it looked like she was going to start bawling soon.
"Agh! What is with you women and your damned emotions?!" He was trying to help and be understanding and all but he just couldn't understand it at all. Still, not knowing how much damage he'd inflicted he kept talking.
"It's not like your life's a bloody hell or anything. For Christ's sake Red." Another mood swing came around to play.
"What the HELL is that supposed to mean? You don't know anything about me!" Willow's voice was growing more and more shrill and a vampire's hearing was quite sensitive.
"Bloody hell, do ya have to yell? I mean you seem like a person that's, well, happy. I don't see why you have act so damned dramatic." Willow's eyes glowed with such anger that for a moment they looked like pits of black instead of their usual sparkly green. Perhaps they had actually turned black. after all she was a witch, who knows what she was capable of. It made him chuckle thinking of what he could do to her.
"Your life's just great isn't it? Your just a big bundle of laughs!!!" With that she burst into tears. If Spike didn't know what was going on with Willow, he probably would have turned tail and run; not that it wasn't a tempting offer now but he decided to take the chance and get closer to the poor girl. Who knows maybe he'd even get a kiss before the night was over. However, he couldn't have been more wrong. Willow started going off on a rant about how hard her life was and how Spike couldn't possibly know how crappy her life was.
"Willow, luv, ranting isn't going to change anything." Spike had enough of her insanity and he was now willing to get on his knees and beg for her to stop yelling. He'd had enough insanity when he had to take care of Dru. He managed to sit her down on a tombstone in efforts to calm her.
"Trust me ducks. Raving like a madwoman isn't gonna help at all. Besides your life's better than mine." He hoped putting him down might make her feel better but she just took it as sarcasm.
"Spike, you couldn't POSSIBLY know the pain that I'm going through right now." As if to make a point another cramp seized her and she felt that she'd start crying again.
"Well maybe you're just whiny." Spike pulled out a cigarette as he said so when a fist came flying at his face. As he got up, expecting a demon of some sort, he was shocked to see that it was Willow who had just decked him.
"What the bloody hell was that for you crazy effing witch?!" It wouldn't have hurt so badly but she caught him off guard and it was more his pride that was hurt. His comment, however, sparked an idea in the girl.
"That's right. I'm a witch." She seemed almost awed by the concept and an evil grin came over beautiful face as she began to mutter things in Latin. With that, Spike was once again knocked on his back.
By the time Spike came to, he was in for a big shock. As he looked up it was like he was looking at a mirror because his own face was looking down at him.
"Have a nice nap ducks?" He'd figured out what Willow had done. In her rage she switched their bodies. It was really weird to hear his voice without the usual clipped British accent. Still, that wasn't the weirdest part. As Spike sat up he looked down to see himself in a dress of all things and in that flimsy little body.
"Ah! What the bloody hell did you do to me you stupid bint?" Spike, or Willow in Spike's body began to roll around in fits of giggles. To anyone that knew either of these people would find this weird, even for this city. Seeing Spike, a fourth of the scourge of Europe, rolling around giggling and cheery Willow shouting curse words a sailor would blush at. Of course, just then Buffy came along because she heard someone screaming, it was weird though, it wasn't the sound of someone getting fed on... or being chased by a demon. just a very, very angry girl cursing till her face was blue.
"Willow?" Buffy was sure the voice she heard was familiar but when she saw Willow sitting there swearing and Spike giggling she almost fell down herself. Just then Willow, or Spike anyways, started howling in pain and Buffy rushed to her side.
"What's wrong Willow? Spike, I swear to god. If you hurt Willow, I will kill you. Make no mistake, I will dust your bleached, British ass."
"Don't you dare stake that body! I need to get back to it! And I'm not your bloody Willow! Change us back right now you crazy woman!" Spike pointed an accusing finger at Willow who was trying her best to the blood tears back.
"Spike, what the hell did you do to Willow?" Buffy knew there was something horribly wrong and she didn't know what it was but she was getting the faint gist of it.
"Tha- That's no- I'm not Spi- I'm Willow!" Willow then grabbed her stomach and fell into another giggle fit.
"Spike what are you talking about?" Buffy had her stake poised just incase anything stupid happened. Then Willow's body spoke up.
"Well the crazy girl did a spell and switched our bodies because she's having her time of the month! I'll kill you, you crazy bitch! Why the hell is body having all these bloody cramps?" Buffy then joined Willow in her laughter.
"So when are you going to reverse the spell?" As much as it was funny, Buffy knew that they'd have to switch back sooner or later. She couldn't keep a straight face seeing Willow's body speak with a British accent screaming all sorts of colorful phrases.
"Yeah yeah yeah I'm getting there." Spike's face was covered in tears. "You gotta admit though Buff, it was pretty funny. He's probably the only guy to know what girls feel like every month." And with that they both broke into giggles.
"Yeah... the way I see it is, it's like, it's sort of like- " As Buffy tried to say through her giggles Willow, or Spike anyway, cut her off.
"Oh bloody 'ell woman! Spit it out a'ready! An' you! Ge' with the bloody magic!" In Spike's anger, his accent thickened without him even knowing it.
"Ugh. I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted, that it'd be like payback for all the misery he's caused to you Wills." Upon hearing her say so and spurred by the pain in his body Spike threw a dirt clod at Buffy, remembering he could hurt people now. Well, as much as this feeble body would allow anyways.
"Gosh, Willow." Willow was enjoying seeing Spike squirm in pain and actually seeing the Big Bad losing his cool for once only fueled her taunting. "Such the hot head. Oh I mean 'Bloody hell!'"
"Don't call me Willow! An' never, ever try ta talk with like tha' in England. You'd be staked in seconds."
"Fine, fine, fine." With that Willow wearily muttered the spell to put them back in their own bodies. Then, both were knocked onto their backs once more.
"Ah it feels good to be back in my old body." As Spike felt his body he noted there were to things that were distinctly wrong about him. He couldn't feel his leather duster that he should have felt around him and his voice was still that of Willow's. As he looked over he could still see his own body on the ground. It seemed as if Willow hadn't recovered yet.
"Nice to see your back in you old body Wills." Buffy was amused at the fact that Spike actually flip out. Meanwhile Spike would have to do his best imitation of the little hacker to get Buffy out of there and he'd deal with Willow elsewhere.
"Um. Yeah, Buffy. I guess I'll go home now. Maybe I should wait for Spike to wake up and he can walk me home." Buffy thought that Willow sounded a little odd, and the fact that she'd wait so the bleached one could walk her home. But then again, it was Willow, always giving.
"Sure Willow, why not. Wanna stake just in case?" Spike had to keep his cool even though inside he was seething. He couldn't believe that he liked this stupid chit and even then, when he'd helped her out so many times, she still wouldn't trust him.
"It's alright." As he said so, Buffy shrugged and left, after all so what if things were a little off. For Christ's sake they lived on a Hellmouth. Willow talking sort of funny didn't rate very high on her list of dangerous things. Sure she lost control of her magic sometimes but for the moment she had other things to worry about. Vampires, demons, various other horny bumpy things. Wait, that needed to be reworded. Shaking her head, the Chosen One walked off to find any new evil all the while replaying the previous scenes in her head and giggling every once in a while.
"I'm going to kill you Willow. I mean as soon as I get back to my old body I'm going to take your tiny little neck and snap it into to pieces. Then I'm going to-" As Spike was calmly reciting what he had in store for the little Wiccan, she woke up.
"Oh shut up Spike. Get over it. Holy- you sound like me still! Wait- you're still me!" As Willow was still marveling at the thought Spike started to clap.
"Congratulations ya daft cow. You've now gone and made my life even worse! Bravo. Now fix it and this time get it right!"
"But- but- but-" Willow's mind began to panic when she found her spell had failed.
"But- but- but- Oh get on with it ya ninny. I haven't got all bloody day. Well, I do, you don't." Since Spike didn't seem all that mad any more Willow let out a small giggle. The kind children give when they know they're about to get into trouble.
"This isn't funny! Fix us now!!! That wasn't a 'ha, ha' laugh was it? That was a 'oopsie, we're screwed' laugh..."
"The thing is. Well. I don't think I can change us back-"
"WHAT?! You better bloody find a way then, this is your entire fault ya know? Good fuckin' Christ! You sayin' I'm stuck in this puny little body while you masquerade around town as me? I'll lose what little respect I have left! I'll-" Yet again, his rants were stopped when Willow covered his mouth with her hand, or actually her mouth with his hand.
"If you promise not to scream and get Buffy back here, I'll take my hand off." Willow didn't need to hear Spike ramble on and on. She would have to check once they got home how to fix this little problem. After a while of thought Spike should his head. After all, attracting the slayer wouldn't do him any good, she'd either nag or she'd tie him up in that bloody bathtub again or something like that.
"Alright then, if you're so bloody calm. How the hell do you plan on switching us back? Soddin' madwoman." She had only meant for it to be quick switch to piss off Spike, but now since she couldn't switch them back, they were, well, basically screwed. Not that Willow was against screwing Spike. No. No. No. Willow does not want Spike. Willow is most definitely gay. Willow likes those of the female gender not those of the hot vampire kind. Willow is going to make it out of this without any more screwups, and Willow was going to stop thinking in third person. Goddess, life sucked.
"Well? Can't have you being me and I certainly can't be you so we better go to my house 'cause there is no way in hell I'm staying in that crypt you call a home."
"What, it's good enough for me, but you're to high and mighty?"
"Exactly."
"Oh bloody hell. Why not. I don't need you bollixing my life up any more than it needs to be, though the slayer usually does a good job in that department. What about those people you claim to be your parents? Are they gone for another month? Doubt they'd wanna see my body over there. Might be gettin' some ideas eh?" And just for show he raised his eyebrows suggestively with that incredibly sexy smirk (on Spike anyway) which looked really weird on Willow's face.
"Yeah, they're gonna be gone for- Wait how'd you know that my parents were gone? Or for that matter that they're usually gone? Spike?"
"Well as unobservant as I usually look at those meetings I usually do pay attention." Well to you anyways, he added mentally. No, he was not attracted to the witch, no bleeding way. As sick as it was, he was obsessed with that damned Drusilla, one who had time to fuck every other demon in this dimension and few others, but couldn't possibly stay faithful to him. Yep, Red just had a great body he didn't mind ogling, all the right curves in all the right places, a great smile... Ok, getting sidetracked here.
**********
"Did ya find the reversal spell yet?"
Willow had been researching for what seemed like hours for the reversal spell, on the Internet and several of her Wicca books but there was no use. She couldn't find one and the possibility of being stuck this way crossed her mind more than necessary. Not that Spike was helping. No, he took this time to decide to poison her lungs by smoking. She wondered secretly though, what it'd be like to be a vampire. When he'd barged into her dorm room that fateful night, Spike sparked an interest in the girl. Not that she wanted to kill anyone, but she wanted to know how the power felt. Vampires were like the perfect killers; they had enhanced speed, vision and smell. It was odd, she didn't really feel like a vampire yet; she didn't even feel all that different, except for the whole being in a different body thing. She didn't feel any urgent needs to go off and kill and feed, she actually had no idea where this "demon" that Spike had spoken of was, though there was an odd feeling in the back of her head. It felt like someone or something was whispering to her but she couldn't make out what they were trying to say.
"I've Googled till I can't Google any more. And stop smoking! I'm probably gonna die of second-hand smoke but that doesn't give you the right to smoke! Now make yourself useful and research."
Spike could think of much better things he could be doing in this body but he wasn't about to tell her that. It was amazing really, that Spike was afraid to say what was on his mind. He was never known for being patient or quiet and he couldn't afford to tell the crazy witch that he had feelings for her. Wait, no he didn't have any feelings for the insane little witch, he just thought that she had a really great body. Yep, no mushy feelings from this demon, you'd figure being scorned by every woman you confessed having feelings for would teach you something. Not a snowball's chance in hell. Who knew what she'd if he did tell her that she was just the most gorgeous thing he'd ever seen. She'd either piss her pants, or his pants actually, from laughing from so hard or she'd run out screaming; or even worse, do another mad spell. Still, he had a strong urge to go to the bathroom and check out her body; after all, what could she do about it? It'd be really easy, to just go to the bathroom and strip down and just stare into the mirror. Though right now besides secretly checking out Willow's body wasn't on top of his list. He still felt cramps every now and then and he felt a little magically inclined and felt like doing a spell. Oh no, no spells for this vampire.
"Hello? Is anyone home? Spike? Are you ignoring me? C'mon Spike! I've apologized already! "
"Hm? Oh, I'll stop smoking." With that, he stuck the still lit cigarette into one of Mrs. Rosenberg's flowerpot and picked up a book. As usual Willow couldn't make out what was going on in Spike's twisted little brain. It wasn't fair, half the time she couldn't hide any of the feelings going through her, but Spike was always a mystery. The stinker.
"Welcome back to earth cadet!"
(Oh my god, I'm so stupid why the hell am I so damned stupid? Urgh. Stupid Spike, it's all his fault I'm acting so stupid. Oh bloody hell.)
As stupid as the comment was Willow couldn't suppress the giggle that came out from her mental little Spike outburst.
"Stop giggling! Vampires do not giggle! Especially me. I'm William the fucking Bloody. I am the big bad. I-"
"Shut up Spike. I've heard this story way to many times. I'll just have to tell the Scoobies that I'm sick and I can't go to the meeting today, wait, you're going to have to call and say you're sick." A yawn escaped her lips as she stretched out, thinking of how she'd get through this without getting caught.
"All right, all right I'll call Buffy the Vampire Layer." As he walked over to get the phone, Willow threw a candy at his head with deadly accuracy. Following said action he could hear to his amusement, Willow squeal in pain.
"Hurts don't it?" Ignoring the question before her Willow went on with her speech.
"Don't say that, the whole Angel-Angelus ordeal killed Buffy!" However, her comment went unheard as Spike was checking his head for bruises and felt a welt growing on his scalp, or Willow's scalp as it were.
"You realize that if you keep throwing things at me you'll return to a very sore body and I'll return to a catatonic one?"
"Sorry, I didn't mean to throw it that hard. And why in the hell did that hurt so much? It's not like your in that much pain.. Oh what am I saying?! Just call Buffy and get it over with!" Not wanting any of the other white hats involved with his problems Spike actually listened to Willow. As he was about to get the phone he stopped to ask a question.
"So tell me do I sound enough you like you?"
"Try to talk without the whole British accent thing, and no insulting the scoobies. Just say I felt really sick and I went to my parent's house cuz I didn't want Buffy to catch it."
"Fine fine fine. Ruin my fun." As he picked up the phone Spike hesitated, "Uh, Red?"
"Spike, unless you want Buffy to come storming in and have a face to face chat with you pick up the phone call Giles's place and get it over with!"
"Shouldn't you know what the question was before you fire off that mouth of yours Red?"
"OK Spike, what do you desperately need to ask me?"
"Um, what's the number to Giles's flat?"
"Spike, you've practically lived there for a while and you don't even know his number?"
"I don't see you calling off numbers either Red."
"Just press the number 1 for a bit, he's on speed dial."
"Don't your parent's find it odd that you've got some fifty year old on speed dial?" To that comment, Willow only snorted scornfully.
"As if my parents are home enough to notice what the hell happens here. Look at the picture on the mantle Spike, do you know how old I am in it?"
Spike turned around to see a picture of a very young Willow, no more than ten in the picture, beside it there was a family photo but she looked even younger in that one. Spike wondered what sort of parents would have such old pictures of their only child up.
"As you can see I've got the most attentive parents in the world, I'm actually pretty sure if I died, they'd be here in a record two weeks."
"You can't be serious."
"And suddenly we care. Spike!" Willow could hear that Giles was on the other end of the phone and ready to hang up because no one had answered when he picked up the phone. Spike, however, hadn't heard a thing. So this advanced hearing thing was pretty cool, she was just waiting for the other foot to drop. Hopefully, not on her head.
"What?"
"Answer the damn phone!"
"Oh right." He grinned sheepishly and did his best to sound like Willow. By the time the time the conversation was over Spike thought his efforts were commendable, while Giles on the other end was wondering to himself if Willow had gotten into any alcohol to drown her sorrows.
"So the thing is Rip-I mean Giles, I was feeling pretty sick so I figured it would be right proper to not go to the Scooby meeting and what all and spread the sickness. "
"I see Willow, are you feeling all right? Is there anything you need to talk about? I'm here if you need me you know."
As Giles was talking Spike was thinking.(You bloody stupid ponce, can't even tell I'm not Willow. Must be doing a good job then since the Watcher can't even tell.)
"Right then, soon as this bug goes away I'll be over and do the research thing. Tell Buffy that I'll be at my parent's flat, wouldn't want the high an' mighty Slayer-I mean my best friend in the universe getting' sick. After she is the high and mighty Slayer."
(I wonder if something's bothering Willow, she doesn't seem to be herself. She sounds like Spike, why in the world did she use the term flat instead of home I wonder? Perhaps living on the Hellmouth has made me paranoid.)
"All right then, good night Willow, get some rest. I do hope you feel better soon-"
Before he could even get Willow's name out Giles heard a click from the receiver and found it odd that Willow had hung up so soon. She usually waited for him to hang up first.
Though Willow had been sitting at the other end of the room, she heard every word that was exchanged between the two.
"You realize that sounded nothing like me? I never use the word 'flat' nor do I ever call Giles 'Ripper.' And I have never ever referred to Buffy as the 'high and mighty Slayer.' You didn't even sound sick, I wouldn't be surprised if Buffy came by to ask me to do her homework for her. Which in this case you'd have to do it for once."
"Quite the hothead when the rose colored glasses come off aren't we? Tell me, do you ever act this way around your friends?"
"I'm not normally this snappy, I'm just really hungry, and I refuse to drink blood."
"Suit yourself. So, what do you have in mind to get away with this without the need for Buffy to come rushin' in without a stake?" He'd have to play his cards right to make sure he'd be able to stay at her house without being chained to anyone's bathtub. And now he's making plots to stay by Willow, isn't that sweet of William, he thought to himself.
"You can stay here for a few days, none of my spells ever last more than two days."
(Thank goddess for that, Buffy would kill me if she figured out that I got stuck in Spike's body.)
"But all of your spells manage to go a little screwy here and there. You didn't think I'd forget being engaged to the slayer any time soon now did you?" As much as he'd like to have been nice, sarcasm just came a little too easy for the vampire and his mouth had a tendency to run off on its own at times, now and times when he told women he loved them being perfectly good examples.
"How many times must I apologize?! I've baked like a hundred batches of cookies and I didn't even know I was doing so it wasn't like it was on purpose." She wasn't trying to sound like a petulant child but it wasn't fair how she was still given a hard time about that stupid little incident.
"Now where did all these cookies go? I don't believe I even got one little 'I'm begging for your forgiveness' cookie from you, you little imp."
"Ugh, go check in the fridge, after awhile even Xander got sick of the cookies and so I've got a stockpile of cookies in my fridge. wasting away." As she sighed, Spike moved to the kitchen and came back with a plate piled high with cookies and a gallon of milk.
"Want one?" He asked politely enough but he had stuffed three cookies into his mouth before speaking and it came out more like "Wah wuh?" which caused Willow to laugh seeing herself pig out on cookies.
"You aren't really gonna sit there and eat all those cookies are you?"
"Well not if you want one. geez, weren't you listening just now? You're supposed to be the smart one."
"It's late, if you eat all those cookies and go straight to bed I'll get fat." Now it was Spike's turn to laugh.
"Yes 'cuz if I eat a cookie crumb I'll go and gain like ten million pounds! Didn't you know you were like that Red. Besides, your skinny enough."
"Shut up Spike." She pouted at his imitation of a valley girl. Willow didn't act like that. Did she? "I do not talk like a valley girl. And that isn't a cookie crumb, that is a cookie mountain and more cookies than even Xander could eat in one sitting. I'm goin' to bed."
"And where will I sleep?"
Willow stopped in her tracks, she hadn't thought about that yet. It'd be weird to sleep in her bed in Spike's body. Then again so was Spike changing into her pajamas.
(Argh.Body switching was harder than it looked on TV.) She thought miserably.
"Ok, you can have my bed and I'll sleep in the guest room I guess. And when you change into my pajamas you had better not attempt to give yourself a peep show."
"Who said I'd sleep in your jammies? I sleep in the nude."
"Oh no you're not. March right upstairs and into those pjs!"
"But mo~om." Then a grin crossed Spike's face. "What's to say you won't be giving yourself a peep show Red?"
"Ugh. I'll just sleep in these clothes then." Satisfied with her comeback she stuck her tongue out at Spike and headed for bed.
(It is going to be a long two days.)
Seeing Willow turn to walk up the stairs Spike let his jaw drop. He couldn't believe how stupid he looked when he pouted, and he couldn't believe she stuck his tongue out at him. Thank god no one would ever find out about this. As he sat in the chair munching on his cookies when a thought came to him.
He'd be able to see the sunrise. This night was beginning to look up. For the first time in 180 years Spike would be able to watch the sun rise and feel the warmth of the sun against his skin without having to worry about being turned into a pile of dust. Sure, there was that Gem of Amara fiasco, but his time of glory in the sun was cut short after that stupid slayer came along. Tomorrow he could sit out on the porch and watch the sunrise and he wouldn't have to worry about anything. Yep, the next two days wouldn't be a total waste.
A whole lot happier, Spike flipped the channels and chose to watch Southpark while munching on the cookies and planning on how his day would be like.
**********
In the guest bed, Willow tossed and turned. Sleep was being difficult and decided not to come tonight. Sleeping in jeans was not very comfortable. Then again, being able to hear Cartman tell Kyle that he wasn't a fatass didn't exactly register as being a great way to fall asleep. In frustration, she ran her fingers through her hair. Oddly enough, Spike's hair was really soft; she'd always figured that it would be stiff.
As she began to review the mishaps that had occurred to her the past few weeks she sighed and felt like pulling out her hair.
*~*~*~*~*~*~* TBC *~*~*~*~*~*~* AN: by the by, as I read and reread my fic in hopes of fixing the thoughts. I noticed I make lots of stupid mistakes. Is anyone willing to be my beta? Please? Answer in a review or email me at fyrepyxie@yahoo.com plz? Pity the closet writer!
Part 3
As Spike just strode off after saying she needed to work on her "discreetness" Willow just turned as red in the face as one could without dying of embarrassment. She wished that she could think of a witty remark or at the very least deny everything, unfortunately her head decided to freeze at this perfect time.
Spike had walked out of the crypt, the victor. He didn't need to see the witch's face to see her pure, unadulterated, shock but he had to resist turning around or he may just have kissed her then and there. He loved the way that he was in complete control and to tell the truth he did get off on the sheer terror that came off of her in waves. What could he do about? He was a vampire for Christ's sake; he was supposed to get off on stuff like that.
As he walked along, he began to contemplate his unlife right now. He was basically a neutered vampire helping out a Slayer and he couldn't even how decent fun without rolling around in pain. However when he was with Willow he didn't feel the need to go through the misery of going over his problems. Yeah. he was to busy making her life a hell.
It was surprising that she still treated him like a person. It was obvious that Xander wanted nothing more than to see him as a pile of dust and Buffy, well Buffy probably wanted him gone, what with all of his murderous schemes and all. And Anya? Anya wasn't worth the thought, but the only thing he could think of was that she was probably the horniest thing he'd ever met. Yeah, Willow was certainly the best person there. She was always so happy and cheerful; it was amazing how she did so well to cover her feelings all the time. She had to have some problems in that mind of hers right? It can't all be peaches and cream in there. The blood in her veins was probably as sweet as she was. He always wondered what her blood tasted, and he wondered if he should let her know. Oi, that'd come off great.
"Hey Will! Guess what? I'd like nothing more than to bury my face in that gorgeous white neck of yours!" Unbeknownst to Spike though, Willow had managed to gather up her remaining pride and catch up with him. Due to him being caught unawares he got to enjoy getting smacked in the back of the head with Willow's bag.
"Good god Spike! I mean it's not like I didn't know but still." Willow did her best impersonation of a British accent, which to Spike was just plain appalling. "You'd like nuthin' more 'en sucking ol' Red here dry and killing the bloody rest of us!"
"That was just bloody awful!" Spike, as revolted as, he was he found her accent to be hilarious and almost fell down while walking. "Shouldn't you be getting' home luv? After all, li'l girls shouldn't be out in a cemetery at night. 'Specially in this hellhole of a town, what with the Hellmouth and all."
"And shouldn't neutered vampires watch what their saying in case they get bitch slapped?" Spike knew that something was very. well, off. Willow was never one to swear or resort to violence to get her way. That was Buffy's deal.
"What's with you today? Your just the regular spitfire aren't you?" Spike hadn't meant for his comment to be insulting, just the usual Spikeyness, but Willow, being in the condition she was took the time to go into another mood swing.
"And what is that supposed to mean? That Willow has to just be the boring girl no one ever notices?" With that, she started to whine even more and it looked like she was going to start bawling soon.
"Agh! What is with you women and your damned emotions?!" He was trying to help and be understanding and all but he just couldn't understand it at all. Still, not knowing how much damage he'd inflicted he kept talking.
"It's not like your life's a bloody hell or anything. For Christ's sake Red." Another mood swing came around to play.
"What the HELL is that supposed to mean? You don't know anything about me!" Willow's voice was growing more and more shrill and a vampire's hearing was quite sensitive.
"Bloody hell, do ya have to yell? I mean you seem like a person that's, well, happy. I don't see why you have act so damned dramatic." Willow's eyes glowed with such anger that for a moment they looked like pits of black instead of their usual sparkly green. Perhaps they had actually turned black. after all she was a witch, who knows what she was capable of. It made him chuckle thinking of what he could do to her.
"Your life's just great isn't it? Your just a big bundle of laughs!!!" With that she burst into tears. If Spike didn't know what was going on with Willow, he probably would have turned tail and run; not that it wasn't a tempting offer now but he decided to take the chance and get closer to the poor girl. Who knows maybe he'd even get a kiss before the night was over. However, he couldn't have been more wrong. Willow started going off on a rant about how hard her life was and how Spike couldn't possibly know how crappy her life was.
"Willow, luv, ranting isn't going to change anything." Spike had enough of her insanity and he was now willing to get on his knees and beg for her to stop yelling. He'd had enough insanity when he had to take care of Dru. He managed to sit her down on a tombstone in efforts to calm her.
"Trust me ducks. Raving like a madwoman isn't gonna help at all. Besides your life's better than mine." He hoped putting him down might make her feel better but she just took it as sarcasm.
"Spike, you couldn't POSSIBLY know the pain that I'm going through right now." As if to make a point another cramp seized her and she felt that she'd start crying again.
"Well maybe you're just whiny." Spike pulled out a cigarette as he said so when a fist came flying at his face. As he got up, expecting a demon of some sort, he was shocked to see that it was Willow who had just decked him.
"What the bloody hell was that for you crazy effing witch?!" It wouldn't have hurt so badly but she caught him off guard and it was more his pride that was hurt. His comment, however, sparked an idea in the girl.
"That's right. I'm a witch." She seemed almost awed by the concept and an evil grin came over beautiful face as she began to mutter things in Latin. With that, Spike was once again knocked on his back.
By the time Spike came to, he was in for a big shock. As he looked up it was like he was looking at a mirror because his own face was looking down at him.
"Have a nice nap ducks?" He'd figured out what Willow had done. In her rage she switched their bodies. It was really weird to hear his voice without the usual clipped British accent. Still, that wasn't the weirdest part. As Spike sat up he looked down to see himself in a dress of all things and in that flimsy little body.
"Ah! What the bloody hell did you do to me you stupid bint?" Spike, or Willow in Spike's body began to roll around in fits of giggles. To anyone that knew either of these people would find this weird, even for this city. Seeing Spike, a fourth of the scourge of Europe, rolling around giggling and cheery Willow shouting curse words a sailor would blush at. Of course, just then Buffy came along because she heard someone screaming, it was weird though, it wasn't the sound of someone getting fed on... or being chased by a demon. just a very, very angry girl cursing till her face was blue.
"Willow?" Buffy was sure the voice she heard was familiar but when she saw Willow sitting there swearing and Spike giggling she almost fell down herself. Just then Willow, or Spike anyways, started howling in pain and Buffy rushed to her side.
"What's wrong Willow? Spike, I swear to god. If you hurt Willow, I will kill you. Make no mistake, I will dust your bleached, British ass."
"Don't you dare stake that body! I need to get back to it! And I'm not your bloody Willow! Change us back right now you crazy woman!" Spike pointed an accusing finger at Willow who was trying her best to the blood tears back.
"Spike, what the hell did you do to Willow?" Buffy knew there was something horribly wrong and she didn't know what it was but she was getting the faint gist of it.
"Tha- That's no- I'm not Spi- I'm Willow!" Willow then grabbed her stomach and fell into another giggle fit.
"Spike what are you talking about?" Buffy had her stake poised just incase anything stupid happened. Then Willow's body spoke up.
"Well the crazy girl did a spell and switched our bodies because she's having her time of the month! I'll kill you, you crazy bitch! Why the hell is body having all these bloody cramps?" Buffy then joined Willow in her laughter.
"So when are you going to reverse the spell?" As much as it was funny, Buffy knew that they'd have to switch back sooner or later. She couldn't keep a straight face seeing Willow's body speak with a British accent screaming all sorts of colorful phrases.
"Yeah yeah yeah I'm getting there." Spike's face was covered in tears. "You gotta admit though Buff, it was pretty funny. He's probably the only guy to know what girls feel like every month." And with that they both broke into giggles.
"Yeah... the way I see it is, it's like, it's sort of like- " As Buffy tried to say through her giggles Willow, or Spike anyway, cut her off.
"Oh bloody 'ell woman! Spit it out a'ready! An' you! Ge' with the bloody magic!" In Spike's anger, his accent thickened without him even knowing it.
"Ugh. I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted, that it'd be like payback for all the misery he's caused to you Wills." Upon hearing her say so and spurred by the pain in his body Spike threw a dirt clod at Buffy, remembering he could hurt people now. Well, as much as this feeble body would allow anyways.
"Gosh, Willow." Willow was enjoying seeing Spike squirm in pain and actually seeing the Big Bad losing his cool for once only fueled her taunting. "Such the hot head. Oh I mean 'Bloody hell!'"
"Don't call me Willow! An' never, ever try ta talk with like tha' in England. You'd be staked in seconds."
"Fine, fine, fine." With that Willow wearily muttered the spell to put them back in their own bodies. Then, both were knocked onto their backs once more.
"Ah it feels good to be back in my old body." As Spike felt his body he noted there were to things that were distinctly wrong about him. He couldn't feel his leather duster that he should have felt around him and his voice was still that of Willow's. As he looked over he could still see his own body on the ground. It seemed as if Willow hadn't recovered yet.
"Nice to see your back in you old body Wills." Buffy was amused at the fact that Spike actually flip out. Meanwhile Spike would have to do his best imitation of the little hacker to get Buffy out of there and he'd deal with Willow elsewhere.
"Um. Yeah, Buffy. I guess I'll go home now. Maybe I should wait for Spike to wake up and he can walk me home." Buffy thought that Willow sounded a little odd, and the fact that she'd wait so the bleached one could walk her home. But then again, it was Willow, always giving.
"Sure Willow, why not. Wanna stake just in case?" Spike had to keep his cool even though inside he was seething. He couldn't believe that he liked this stupid chit and even then, when he'd helped her out so many times, she still wouldn't trust him.
"It's alright." As he said so, Buffy shrugged and left, after all so what if things were a little off. For Christ's sake they lived on a Hellmouth. Willow talking sort of funny didn't rate very high on her list of dangerous things. Sure she lost control of her magic sometimes but for the moment she had other things to worry about. Vampires, demons, various other horny bumpy things. Wait, that needed to be reworded. Shaking her head, the Chosen One walked off to find any new evil all the while replaying the previous scenes in her head and giggling every once in a while.
"I'm going to kill you Willow. I mean as soon as I get back to my old body I'm going to take your tiny little neck and snap it into to pieces. Then I'm going to-" As Spike was calmly reciting what he had in store for the little Wiccan, she woke up.
"Oh shut up Spike. Get over it. Holy- you sound like me still! Wait- you're still me!" As Willow was still marveling at the thought Spike started to clap.
"Congratulations ya daft cow. You've now gone and made my life even worse! Bravo. Now fix it and this time get it right!"
"But- but- but-" Willow's mind began to panic when she found her spell had failed.
"But- but- but- Oh get on with it ya ninny. I haven't got all bloody day. Well, I do, you don't." Since Spike didn't seem all that mad any more Willow let out a small giggle. The kind children give when they know they're about to get into trouble.
"This isn't funny! Fix us now!!! That wasn't a 'ha, ha' laugh was it? That was a 'oopsie, we're screwed' laugh..."
"The thing is. Well. I don't think I can change us back-"
"WHAT?! You better bloody find a way then, this is your entire fault ya know? Good fuckin' Christ! You sayin' I'm stuck in this puny little body while you masquerade around town as me? I'll lose what little respect I have left! I'll-" Yet again, his rants were stopped when Willow covered his mouth with her hand, or actually her mouth with his hand.
"If you promise not to scream and get Buffy back here, I'll take my hand off." Willow didn't need to hear Spike ramble on and on. She would have to check once they got home how to fix this little problem. After a while of thought Spike should his head. After all, attracting the slayer wouldn't do him any good, she'd either nag or she'd tie him up in that bloody bathtub again or something like that.
"Alright then, if you're so bloody calm. How the hell do you plan on switching us back? Soddin' madwoman." She had only meant for it to be quick switch to piss off Spike, but now since she couldn't switch them back, they were, well, basically screwed. Not that Willow was against screwing Spike. No. No. No. Willow does not want Spike. Willow is most definitely gay. Willow likes those of the female gender not those of the hot vampire kind. Willow is going to make it out of this without any more screwups, and Willow was going to stop thinking in third person. Goddess, life sucked.
"Well? Can't have you being me and I certainly can't be you so we better go to my house 'cause there is no way in hell I'm staying in that crypt you call a home."
"What, it's good enough for me, but you're to high and mighty?"
"Exactly."
"Oh bloody hell. Why not. I don't need you bollixing my life up any more than it needs to be, though the slayer usually does a good job in that department. What about those people you claim to be your parents? Are they gone for another month? Doubt they'd wanna see my body over there. Might be gettin' some ideas eh?" And just for show he raised his eyebrows suggestively with that incredibly sexy smirk (on Spike anyway) which looked really weird on Willow's face.
"Yeah, they're gonna be gone for- Wait how'd you know that my parents were gone? Or for that matter that they're usually gone? Spike?"
"Well as unobservant as I usually look at those meetings I usually do pay attention." Well to you anyways, he added mentally. No, he was not attracted to the witch, no bleeding way. As sick as it was, he was obsessed with that damned Drusilla, one who had time to fuck every other demon in this dimension and few others, but couldn't possibly stay faithful to him. Yep, Red just had a great body he didn't mind ogling, all the right curves in all the right places, a great smile... Ok, getting sidetracked here.
**********
"Did ya find the reversal spell yet?"
Willow had been researching for what seemed like hours for the reversal spell, on the Internet and several of her Wicca books but there was no use. She couldn't find one and the possibility of being stuck this way crossed her mind more than necessary. Not that Spike was helping. No, he took this time to decide to poison her lungs by smoking. She wondered secretly though, what it'd be like to be a vampire. When he'd barged into her dorm room that fateful night, Spike sparked an interest in the girl. Not that she wanted to kill anyone, but she wanted to know how the power felt. Vampires were like the perfect killers; they had enhanced speed, vision and smell. It was odd, she didn't really feel like a vampire yet; she didn't even feel all that different, except for the whole being in a different body thing. She didn't feel any urgent needs to go off and kill and feed, she actually had no idea where this "demon" that Spike had spoken of was, though there was an odd feeling in the back of her head. It felt like someone or something was whispering to her but she couldn't make out what they were trying to say.
"I've Googled till I can't Google any more. And stop smoking! I'm probably gonna die of second-hand smoke but that doesn't give you the right to smoke! Now make yourself useful and research."
Spike could think of much better things he could be doing in this body but he wasn't about to tell her that. It was amazing really, that Spike was afraid to say what was on his mind. He was never known for being patient or quiet and he couldn't afford to tell the crazy witch that he had feelings for her. Wait, no he didn't have any feelings for the insane little witch, he just thought that she had a really great body. Yep, no mushy feelings from this demon, you'd figure being scorned by every woman you confessed having feelings for would teach you something. Not a snowball's chance in hell. Who knew what she'd if he did tell her that she was just the most gorgeous thing he'd ever seen. She'd either piss her pants, or his pants actually, from laughing from so hard or she'd run out screaming; or even worse, do another mad spell. Still, he had a strong urge to go to the bathroom and check out her body; after all, what could she do about it? It'd be really easy, to just go to the bathroom and strip down and just stare into the mirror. Though right now besides secretly checking out Willow's body wasn't on top of his list. He still felt cramps every now and then and he felt a little magically inclined and felt like doing a spell. Oh no, no spells for this vampire.
"Hello? Is anyone home? Spike? Are you ignoring me? C'mon Spike! I've apologized already! "
"Hm? Oh, I'll stop smoking." With that, he stuck the still lit cigarette into one of Mrs. Rosenberg's flowerpot and picked up a book. As usual Willow couldn't make out what was going on in Spike's twisted little brain. It wasn't fair, half the time she couldn't hide any of the feelings going through her, but Spike was always a mystery. The stinker.
"Welcome back to earth cadet!"
(Oh my god, I'm so stupid why the hell am I so damned stupid? Urgh. Stupid Spike, it's all his fault I'm acting so stupid. Oh bloody hell.)
As stupid as the comment was Willow couldn't suppress the giggle that came out from her mental little Spike outburst.
"Stop giggling! Vampires do not giggle! Especially me. I'm William the fucking Bloody. I am the big bad. I-"
"Shut up Spike. I've heard this story way to many times. I'll just have to tell the Scoobies that I'm sick and I can't go to the meeting today, wait, you're going to have to call and say you're sick." A yawn escaped her lips as she stretched out, thinking of how she'd get through this without getting caught.
"All right, all right I'll call Buffy the Vampire Layer." As he walked over to get the phone, Willow threw a candy at his head with deadly accuracy. Following said action he could hear to his amusement, Willow squeal in pain.
"Hurts don't it?" Ignoring the question before her Willow went on with her speech.
"Don't say that, the whole Angel-Angelus ordeal killed Buffy!" However, her comment went unheard as Spike was checking his head for bruises and felt a welt growing on his scalp, or Willow's scalp as it were.
"You realize that if you keep throwing things at me you'll return to a very sore body and I'll return to a catatonic one?"
"Sorry, I didn't mean to throw it that hard. And why in the hell did that hurt so much? It's not like your in that much pain.. Oh what am I saying?! Just call Buffy and get it over with!" Not wanting any of the other white hats involved with his problems Spike actually listened to Willow. As he was about to get the phone he stopped to ask a question.
"So tell me do I sound enough you like you?"
"Try to talk without the whole British accent thing, and no insulting the scoobies. Just say I felt really sick and I went to my parent's house cuz I didn't want Buffy to catch it."
"Fine fine fine. Ruin my fun." As he picked up the phone Spike hesitated, "Uh, Red?"
"Spike, unless you want Buffy to come storming in and have a face to face chat with you pick up the phone call Giles's place and get it over with!"
"Shouldn't you know what the question was before you fire off that mouth of yours Red?"
"OK Spike, what do you desperately need to ask me?"
"Um, what's the number to Giles's flat?"
"Spike, you've practically lived there for a while and you don't even know his number?"
"I don't see you calling off numbers either Red."
"Just press the number 1 for a bit, he's on speed dial."
"Don't your parent's find it odd that you've got some fifty year old on speed dial?" To that comment, Willow only snorted scornfully.
"As if my parents are home enough to notice what the hell happens here. Look at the picture on the mantle Spike, do you know how old I am in it?"
Spike turned around to see a picture of a very young Willow, no more than ten in the picture, beside it there was a family photo but she looked even younger in that one. Spike wondered what sort of parents would have such old pictures of their only child up.
"As you can see I've got the most attentive parents in the world, I'm actually pretty sure if I died, they'd be here in a record two weeks."
"You can't be serious."
"And suddenly we care. Spike!" Willow could hear that Giles was on the other end of the phone and ready to hang up because no one had answered when he picked up the phone. Spike, however, hadn't heard a thing. So this advanced hearing thing was pretty cool, she was just waiting for the other foot to drop. Hopefully, not on her head.
"What?"
"Answer the damn phone!"
"Oh right." He grinned sheepishly and did his best to sound like Willow. By the time the time the conversation was over Spike thought his efforts were commendable, while Giles on the other end was wondering to himself if Willow had gotten into any alcohol to drown her sorrows.
"So the thing is Rip-I mean Giles, I was feeling pretty sick so I figured it would be right proper to not go to the Scooby meeting and what all and spread the sickness. "
"I see Willow, are you feeling all right? Is there anything you need to talk about? I'm here if you need me you know."
As Giles was talking Spike was thinking.(You bloody stupid ponce, can't even tell I'm not Willow. Must be doing a good job then since the Watcher can't even tell.)
"Right then, soon as this bug goes away I'll be over and do the research thing. Tell Buffy that I'll be at my parent's flat, wouldn't want the high an' mighty Slayer-I mean my best friend in the universe getting' sick. After she is the high and mighty Slayer."
(I wonder if something's bothering Willow, she doesn't seem to be herself. She sounds like Spike, why in the world did she use the term flat instead of home I wonder? Perhaps living on the Hellmouth has made me paranoid.)
"All right then, good night Willow, get some rest. I do hope you feel better soon-"
Before he could even get Willow's name out Giles heard a click from the receiver and found it odd that Willow had hung up so soon. She usually waited for him to hang up first.
Though Willow had been sitting at the other end of the room, she heard every word that was exchanged between the two.
"You realize that sounded nothing like me? I never use the word 'flat' nor do I ever call Giles 'Ripper.' And I have never ever referred to Buffy as the 'high and mighty Slayer.' You didn't even sound sick, I wouldn't be surprised if Buffy came by to ask me to do her homework for her. Which in this case you'd have to do it for once."
"Quite the hothead when the rose colored glasses come off aren't we? Tell me, do you ever act this way around your friends?"
"I'm not normally this snappy, I'm just really hungry, and I refuse to drink blood."
"Suit yourself. So, what do you have in mind to get away with this without the need for Buffy to come rushin' in without a stake?" He'd have to play his cards right to make sure he'd be able to stay at her house without being chained to anyone's bathtub. And now he's making plots to stay by Willow, isn't that sweet of William, he thought to himself.
"You can stay here for a few days, none of my spells ever last more than two days."
(Thank goddess for that, Buffy would kill me if she figured out that I got stuck in Spike's body.)
"But all of your spells manage to go a little screwy here and there. You didn't think I'd forget being engaged to the slayer any time soon now did you?" As much as he'd like to have been nice, sarcasm just came a little too easy for the vampire and his mouth had a tendency to run off on its own at times, now and times when he told women he loved them being perfectly good examples.
"How many times must I apologize?! I've baked like a hundred batches of cookies and I didn't even know I was doing so it wasn't like it was on purpose." She wasn't trying to sound like a petulant child but it wasn't fair how she was still given a hard time about that stupid little incident.
"Now where did all these cookies go? I don't believe I even got one little 'I'm begging for your forgiveness' cookie from you, you little imp."
"Ugh, go check in the fridge, after awhile even Xander got sick of the cookies and so I've got a stockpile of cookies in my fridge. wasting away." As she sighed, Spike moved to the kitchen and came back with a plate piled high with cookies and a gallon of milk.
"Want one?" He asked politely enough but he had stuffed three cookies into his mouth before speaking and it came out more like "Wah wuh?" which caused Willow to laugh seeing herself pig out on cookies.
"You aren't really gonna sit there and eat all those cookies are you?"
"Well not if you want one. geez, weren't you listening just now? You're supposed to be the smart one."
"It's late, if you eat all those cookies and go straight to bed I'll get fat." Now it was Spike's turn to laugh.
"Yes 'cuz if I eat a cookie crumb I'll go and gain like ten million pounds! Didn't you know you were like that Red. Besides, your skinny enough."
"Shut up Spike." She pouted at his imitation of a valley girl. Willow didn't act like that. Did she? "I do not talk like a valley girl. And that isn't a cookie crumb, that is a cookie mountain and more cookies than even Xander could eat in one sitting. I'm goin' to bed."
"And where will I sleep?"
Willow stopped in her tracks, she hadn't thought about that yet. It'd be weird to sleep in her bed in Spike's body. Then again so was Spike changing into her pajamas.
(Argh.Body switching was harder than it looked on TV.) She thought miserably.
"Ok, you can have my bed and I'll sleep in the guest room I guess. And when you change into my pajamas you had better not attempt to give yourself a peep show."
"Who said I'd sleep in your jammies? I sleep in the nude."
"Oh no you're not. March right upstairs and into those pjs!"
"But mo~om." Then a grin crossed Spike's face. "What's to say you won't be giving yourself a peep show Red?"
"Ugh. I'll just sleep in these clothes then." Satisfied with her comeback she stuck her tongue out at Spike and headed for bed.
(It is going to be a long two days.)
Seeing Willow turn to walk up the stairs Spike let his jaw drop. He couldn't believe how stupid he looked when he pouted, and he couldn't believe she stuck his tongue out at him. Thank god no one would ever find out about this. As he sat in the chair munching on his cookies when a thought came to him.
He'd be able to see the sunrise. This night was beginning to look up. For the first time in 180 years Spike would be able to watch the sun rise and feel the warmth of the sun against his skin without having to worry about being turned into a pile of dust. Sure, there was that Gem of Amara fiasco, but his time of glory in the sun was cut short after that stupid slayer came along. Tomorrow he could sit out on the porch and watch the sunrise and he wouldn't have to worry about anything. Yep, the next two days wouldn't be a total waste.
A whole lot happier, Spike flipped the channels and chose to watch Southpark while munching on the cookies and planning on how his day would be like.
**********
In the guest bed, Willow tossed and turned. Sleep was being difficult and decided not to come tonight. Sleeping in jeans was not very comfortable. Then again, being able to hear Cartman tell Kyle that he wasn't a fatass didn't exactly register as being a great way to fall asleep. In frustration, she ran her fingers through her hair. Oddly enough, Spike's hair was really soft; she'd always figured that it would be stiff.
As she began to review the mishaps that had occurred to her the past few weeks she sighed and felt like pulling out her hair.
*~*~*~*~*~*~* TBC *~*~*~*~*~*~* AN: by the by, as I read and reread my fic in hopes of fixing the thoughts. I noticed I make lots of stupid mistakes. Is anyone willing to be my beta? Please? Answer in a review or email me at fyrepyxie@yahoo.com plz? Pity the closet writer!