Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure we're al clear on this part: Mr. Whedon and
various other characters at the studios of UPN own all the rights to the
Buffy characters. I just use the characters for funny little stories.
Part 4
After hours of tossing and turning fitfully in the guest bed Willow finally fell into a restless slumber. At least, she was sure hours had passed. When she went down stairs she found Spike sleeping on the couch. He hadn't even turned off the TV; right now it was showing an infomercial on the wonders of Oxy-Clean. Somehow the entire plate of cookies was demolished and she could see a gallon of what used to be full of milk, discarded on the floor.
Sighing, she went about cleaning up the mess that Spike had so kindly left. All the rummaging she did must have woken him up because as soon as she put the last of the glasses in the dishwasher she heard a grumble from the living room.
"You better hope I'm back in my body-never mind. Forget it. So what's for breakfast?"
[Ah yes, as soon as I finish cleaning up the lovely mess he made, he wakes up. How convenient.]
Aside from her current thoughts, Willow was shocked, this vampire in her body had managed to eat more cookies than Xander could have and still expected breakfast? [I could never eat that much when I was in my body. Speaking of food, I'm hungry too. Nope, not drinking any blood. I'll wait for two days.]
"'lo? Red? Wakey wakey! Agh Bloody hell, did I just say that?"
"Oh, yeah sure." Suddenly Willow jumped up and down and started screaming, if she hadn't started to smoke and catch aflame Spike would have laughed but he didn't fancy returning to a body that was recently turned into pile of dust.
"Cover the windows! Cover the damned windows!!!" [Yup, there's that other shoe, fell right on top of my goddamn head. Damn it all.]
Following a bit of struggle Spike managed to throw a blanket onto the French windows and put the fire on Willow's arm out.
"Not so easy being a vamp now is it?" he taunted.
"I thought you guys knew when dawn was coming." She whined as she pouted.
"We do, you're just not listening hard enough. So, breakfast?"
"How can you think of breakfast at a time like this? We still need to find a way to undo this, this, madness!"
"Tell you what, you get to researching pet. I'll make breakfast."
"Whatever Spike. Just cover all windows in the house first."
"Right"
It took Spike in Willow's body about thirty minutes to cover each and every window and keep them that way. [Stupid, puny, human body] he thought.
"There ya go, no flames."
"Yippee Skippy, I can research. Let me take this time to jump for joy."
"And happiness abounds for Willow er. What's your last name again?"
"Rosenberg."
"Right. Happiness abounds for Willow Rosenberg."
Having said that. Spike sped off to the kitchen to cook up who knows what. Willow worried what the vampire would call "breakfast." Considering the last time he made a breakfast that didn't include blood was in the 1800s in England. That wasn't a road Willow wanted to go down right about now. Now, making the pain in her arm go away, there was a good idea. Yet again, her thoughts were interrupted by an indignant cry from the kitchen.
"You bloody Americans! Savages! You're all bloody savages! How the hell can you make a decent breakfast with this crap? What is this health nut shit in here? Red, do you even own a frying pan?"
"Cereal or yogurt make just as good breakfast Spike."
As Spike came out of the kitchen to rant some more Willow couldn't help laughing. Spike had donned an apron, an old one of her mother's she could only assume, and came with his hands on her hips raging on about some sort of sausage or other. She might have heard the word blood sausage, but she had no idea what that was nor did she fancy finding out.
"No wonder you're so damned skinny! Have you even heard of the idea of eating three meals a day? Much less a balanced diet consisting of meat every now and again? A bit of bacon maybe, sausages, anything!"
"Spike, I'm Jewish. Bacon isn't considered kosher." This immediately received a snort from Spike.
"And practicing magic is better that eating bacon? I'm sure the rabbis would wholly agree with that. To think there was a time when eating meat on a Friday was a hell-worthy trespass"
"Wrong religion, those would be the Catholics."
"Bloody hell. I do not need this." Throwing down the apron, he stormed towards the door.
"Where are you going?!"
"Outside for a smoke."
"You can't!"
"Wrong. You can't. I can."
Giving up, Willow walked back upstairs and jumped onto the bed hoping to sleep. Being a vampire gave her vampire sleeping hours she guessed because she was extremely tired.
***************
By the time she woke up again who knows when she could hear Spike yelling in various languages, and from what it sounded like, not all of them entirely human either. From the lack of sunlight she could see that it was night but she still wasn't sure what had gotten Spike so angry.
As she more or less stumbled down the stairs she noticed that the television was on to some cartoon channel with an episode of Wile E. Coyote trying to catch Roadrunner. Apparently he was yelling at the TV.
"Spike what's wrong with you? Are you yelling at the TV?"
"As a matter of fact I am, at first I couldn't find any decent channels so I started watching this. Then in every single episode the bloody bird always gets away. I wanna see some bloodshed!"
At the incredulous look on his own face, Spike shut up and sat back down on the couch and began to pout. Then he heard himself giggling again.
"Must I remind you that vampires do not giggle?!"
"Must I remind you that you're yelling quite indignantly might I add at a TV show created for children?" Then some odor that Willow couldn't pinpoint hit her like a truck.
"What the fuck is that smell?!" She screamed, wildly looking around to remove the offending odor from her range of smell.
"Hm?" Spike queried.
"Are you telling me you do not smell that? It's sorta coppery. It isn't all that bad. Smells like food. I'm really hungry." Following the scent Willow stopped dead right in front of Spike.
"It's coming from you. Or me. My body anyways. Or maybe it is you. Have ya cooked anything funky while I was asleep?" She asked.
"I tried a can of soup that I found hidden in the back of the cupboard but I ended up burning it and I had to eat more of the cookies in the fridge and as good as they are. I guess that was a good thing cuz the can said it expired three years ago."
Then Willow managed to put two and two together-the coppery the smell could only have been blood because it stirred desires deep within her to eat. Also she was going through her period now, but her b.o. never got that bad. Did it? Of course she remembered that vampires had an extremely acute sense of smell and Spike had been the reigning occupant of her body and he couldn't have known what to do about it. They probably didn't even have tampons when he was alive. How gross, that tampon must have been there for at least a day now. [Oh my god, what if I get T.S.S.? Holy shit, Spike's gonna die, and I'm gonna be a vampire forever. Oh my god, oh my god. and now I'm babbling. in my head.]
Without a word she proceeded to pull a very confused Spike to the bathroom.
"Where the bloody hell are you takin' me?" His question fell upon deaf ears as Willow rummaged through the medicine cabinet to find a box of tampons and handed it to Spike. She mentally noted that she was out of tampons and would need to go shopping soon. [Damn it]
"And what bloody hell do you expect me to do with this box of-" Spike didn't know what the box was for so he had to take the time to see what was in them, "tampons?" An exasperated Spike asked.
"Read the fucking directions, it isn't rocket science Spike."
"Quite the foul mouth when things aren't just so ain't ya?" As he read the instructions he thought they were rather funny, sort of like some smutty comic book for kids.
"Shut up, Spike, and change the damn tampon." Then another thought came to Willow, did she really want Spike to look at her down there? Deciding that she'd rather not have Spike look at her most private spots she snatched the box from Spike.
"Hey! It's not like I've ever done this before! Give the box back!"
"Shut the hell up Spike, and close your eyes too."
"Why?"
"'Cause I don't want you to look. Duh." She explained, as if her were a child.
"I doubt you've got anything I've never seen before Red."
"I don't care if you've seen thousands Spike, shut your goddamn eyes!" Just as she was thinking of wringing her own neck right now another fresh wave of pain was shot threw her body.
"Thought about hurtin' poor little me eh? Yup just thinking about hurting you stupid sugary idiots is enough for a migraine. Not to keen on the government's little ideas now are you?"
"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" [God this is harder than I thought, why can't I just change the damn tampon and be done with it?] As she was thinking, Spike was getting bored and began singing a song, as he looked down from his imaginary drums he was amused to find that Willow had gone into game face.
"Red~"
"What now?"
"Run your hand across your face" He said innocently.
Exasperated by Spike, but she wanted him to shut up so she did as she was asked.
[Holy shit!] Not believing the bumps below her fingers she ran her tongue across he teeth. Sure enough she cut herself and blood flowed from her tongue. [Not bad. Wait, no. Bad. This is SO not of the good. No amount of therapy will ever make this better.]
She quickly changed the tampon without jumping on her own body, she ran out of the bathroom in record time.
[Oh this is bad, bad, bad. Snacking on your own body is so not good. When the hell is this stupid spell going to wear off?! I'll go insane if I have to do that again! ]
Putting on her resolve face she decided to watch the TV and avoid Spike as much as possible. Now if only Spike agreed.
Laughing to himself he came strolling down from the stairs and seated himself on an armchair by Willow.
"Not so easy now is it?"
"Shut up Spike. Can vampires eat regular human food?"
"You can, it'd be like eating sweets night and day though, because it wouldn't provide any nutrients. Blood isn't that bad, I'm sure you've some in your life."
"How so?"
"Well logically speaking, there are circumstances that can come up in a person's life in which the consumption of blood may occur. It could happen in smaller quantities but still occur."
"Um, Spike? How come you're talking different? Don't take this is in a bad way or anything but you actually sound, how do I put this, educated?" Hearing Willow's timid question, Spike realized just how perceptive and clever Willow could be and still so very modest.
"Contrary to popular belief I'm not a complete moron. I can leave that up to Xander. Anyways, most people don't even know that I actually came from a rather well to do family before I was turned. The Watcher probably figures I was some stupid orphan off the streets from my accent but the more secrets you got the more of an advantage you have over your opponents." Seeing Willow's face slightly fall he pressed on before she could interrupt. "You have to remember that I help you lot for money and you all still fall under the 'enemy' category. Also, if you think about it, what do you know about me?"
"You're evil?"
[You're supposed to be the smart one Red! All you can figure out is that I'm evil?]
"Luv, let's try something beyond my usual slogan."
"You're the 'big bad'?"
"I knew you'd give yourself a peep show! Little Red's not as innocent as everyone thinks she is!"
"Spike!" In response to his suggestion she threw one of her mother's prized little decoration pillows at him.
"Hey! How come you're not cringing in pain from trying to hurt me?"
"Wha? Oh, I didn't mean to hurt you, I was just throwing it at you."
"Right. Back to the matter at hand, you don't know much about me now do you?" Willow refused to be the ignorant one in the situation she started to spout various things she learned about Spike from the Watcher's diaries.
"I do so! You're Spike, also known as William the Bloody known for his fondness of killing his victims with railroad spikes. You've already killed two slayers and you were part of the Scourge of Europe. Angelus was your sire-" She would have gone on for longer but Spike of course had to interrupt. Not having to breathe had its upside; she could babble on and on and not turn blue.
"Let's stop you right there pet. Angelus was never my sire. You see my real sire's-"
"But that one time in high school when Angel pretended to be Angelus and had Xander, you said 'you're my sire, you were my Yoda!' you said it, you said it, you said it!"
"Tell me luv, do you have some insane driving force in you to win all arguments at whatever the cost?"
"Maybe, but you said Angel was your sire. Well not Angel it was probably Angelus because Angel wouldn't turn anyone cuz of the soul and all and-"
"You're really taking this 'I don't need to breathe' thing as far you can aren't you?" he asked as he held the bridge of his nose while cringing, unknown to him, strikingly like Giles.
"Noticed?" She quipped with a quirky smile.
"Yeah. Red you also realize during the course of this conversation you have inched closer and closer to me?" Hearing this comment, Willow noticed just how much she had moved.
"God, I'm so hungry! Oh speaking of Angel, I've got blood somewhere from the last time Angel was here! Oh my god I can't believe I'm going to be drinking blood. Ew."
"The poof was here?" Spike didn't know why but yet again that feeling of angry possessiveness came over him, like at the Bronze that one night when he thought Willow had been turned.
"Yeah that one time at Thanksgiving, remember Xander was all 'And Dead-boy was here too.' He can be an idiot sometimes. Buffy took it pretty hard." she hastily explained as she rushed off.
"The one where Slutty made a bear?"
Willow on the other hand wasn't even in the living room any more; she used the super speed to her advantage and raced to the little refrigerator in the garage. Amidst the bottles of vodka and whiskey and various other bottles of alcohol her parents didn't want her to find, she found a packet of blood. Of what origin-did she really want to open that can of worms?
Walking back to the kitchen she said to herself, "I cannot believe I'm planning on drinking a packet of blood." visibly shuddering she popped the bag in the microwave for a few minutes and settled back down on the couch and right back into the conversation.
"Slu-I mean Buffy made a bear?" [Buffy never told me she made a bear]
"Yes while you and the demon bird were outside beatin' the shit out of those Indians-"
"Native Americans" she interrupted.
"Bite me." He deadpanned with a smirk on his face.
"Gladly-I mean, get on with it Spike"
"We're just full of slipups aren't we?"
"Don't change the subject!"
[Fine, we'll go down that road later on.] "Yeah, yeah, yeah, anyways, she stabbed one of those Native Americans with his own knife and he turned into a bear."
"Uh huh. and where were you?"
"Tied to a chair, defenseless against the flying wooden arrows flying about. I was absolutely calm though." He said with a pathetic look on his face.
"Poor baby." she said with the word 'sarcastic' firmly etched onto her face.
By this time Spike was wondering why he hadn't heard the microwave go off. [Stupid human ears, can't hear a bloody thing.]
"Red, how long did ya microwave that packet of blood for?"
"A few minutes I think, why?"
"You realize most humans blood temperatures are 98.6 don't you?"
"Yes." [And this question would be leading where.?] Willow wondered.
"Well." [Come on. Oh! I thought I saw a few wheels turn in that head!]
"Well.?" [Maybe if I just stare at him long enough the answer will just come to me.]
"Think about it Red, if heated a cup of water for say coffee for a few minutes what would happen to it?" [Cor, this chit can be REALLY slow at times.]
"It'd get really hot and some of it would probably evaporate." Dumbfounded that Red had yet to see the connection between his little analogy he tried Anya's approach and explained himself as bluntly and clearly as possible.
"Think Red, a packet of blood in the microwave for a few minutes-Do you fancy wiping down the bloody remains of your dinner from the microwave!?" he yelled in frustration.
"Oh shit!" and with that she ran to the microwave to pull the bag out of the microwave (unknown to either being, a few seconds before it would have burst.).
As an after thought, Spike added, more to himself then to anyone else, "No pun intended"
**********
At Giles's house later that night, the remaining Scoobies were dealing with their newest demon; however, without their resident genius there, things were running far from smoothly. As a result, a substitute Scooby was placed in Willow's usual chair. The lucky contestant to surf the web was. Xander. That night, he was the one that drew the shortest straw, and was forced to navigate the treacherous waters of web surfing for demons.
"For the love of God! How in the hell does Willow do this? The last ten sites I've hit have been porn sites!" He exclaimed after a fruitless search.
"So you're saying that you've been on that wretched contraption for the past two hours looking at porn?" With his incredulous question, Giles immediately shoved Xander out of the chair while avoiding looking at the screen.
"Oh come on G-man! It's not like it's the first time you've seen porn! I bet your history file is full of sites exactly like the ones I was at!" the young man claimed indignantly.
Once the porn sites were effectively closed, Giles cleaned his glasses, as was his custom when he was flustered, asked Buffy to research. After that, Giles handed Xander an extremely thick tome on demons in a manner that suspiciously looked as if he were aiming for Xander's head.
After another unsuccessful hour of researching for hour passed, Buffy's head was heard banging itself onto Giles's mahogany desk with a resounding 'smack,' quickly followed by an 'ow.'
"I don't see why we just don't ask Willow to call us from her house if she finds anything about the stupid demon we're all looking for." Anya complained as she began to rub Xander's thigh in order to get his vote of approval as well.
"Yeah Giles, it'll probably take her twenty minutes max!" Buffy said, more to the desk than to anyone else but still, her two cents her officially in.
"The poor girl called in sick today, and you children want to ring her because you can't research." was Giles's rather disappointed reply.
"Fine, if we can get her help this one time we'll like set her up on a date 'kay?" Buffy said as she raced to the phone before Giles could stop her.
**********
As Willow was wading through the shallow end of a placid lake, a distant ringing noise pulled her back to reality. She had finally fallen asleep and the phone began to ring.
[I swear to god, if that's a telemarketer, I'm going to hex their ass into next Thursday.] She thought irritably as she blindly searched for the phone that should have been sitting on the table by her bed. After a few seconds of groping blindly, she realized that she was in the guest room and she'd have to go her room in order to answer the phone. [Mmph, screw it, answering machines exist for this purpose only]
As soon as that thought was completed, the answering machine picked up.
"Hi! You've reached the Rosenberg residence. We're not here right now so leave you're name and number at the beep!"
"Hey Wills! You've gotta help us!" came Buffy's voice
[Eh?] Willow thought.
"We've been trying to track this demon for, like, hours and we've gotten no where can you PLEASE help us?!"
[And it never ends does it?!] She thought scornfully.
Just then she heard her own voice pick up the phone and yell into the receiver,
"Oh, for the fuck's sake, bugger off! I'm supposed to be sick!" and she heard her phone being thrown into the wall.
[Good one Spike. Real smooth] Willow thought as she attempted to put an excuse for herself together.
**********
On the other end.
"Well, isn't Willow just feeling MARVELOUS today." and with a huff, Buffy slammed the phone down and stalked off to another desk.
Having heard what "Willow" had just said, Giles began to worry and decided he'd have to visit Willow and find out if something was bothering her lately. With that, he adjourned the Scooby meeting saying the demon would probably die if it were staked anyways, and drove off to Willow's.
TBC.
A/N: Major good karma points for those who reviewed! Surprisingly no flames yet, but my extinguisher's handy. the offer for my beta is still very open, someone PLEASE take pity on a person who cringes at reading their own material more than twice and offer to help those less fortunate. I promise, I'll only bother you with this one story.
Part 4
After hours of tossing and turning fitfully in the guest bed Willow finally fell into a restless slumber. At least, she was sure hours had passed. When she went down stairs she found Spike sleeping on the couch. He hadn't even turned off the TV; right now it was showing an infomercial on the wonders of Oxy-Clean. Somehow the entire plate of cookies was demolished and she could see a gallon of what used to be full of milk, discarded on the floor.
Sighing, she went about cleaning up the mess that Spike had so kindly left. All the rummaging she did must have woken him up because as soon as she put the last of the glasses in the dishwasher she heard a grumble from the living room.
"You better hope I'm back in my body-never mind. Forget it. So what's for breakfast?"
[Ah yes, as soon as I finish cleaning up the lovely mess he made, he wakes up. How convenient.]
Aside from her current thoughts, Willow was shocked, this vampire in her body had managed to eat more cookies than Xander could have and still expected breakfast? [I could never eat that much when I was in my body. Speaking of food, I'm hungry too. Nope, not drinking any blood. I'll wait for two days.]
"'lo? Red? Wakey wakey! Agh Bloody hell, did I just say that?"
"Oh, yeah sure." Suddenly Willow jumped up and down and started screaming, if she hadn't started to smoke and catch aflame Spike would have laughed but he didn't fancy returning to a body that was recently turned into pile of dust.
"Cover the windows! Cover the damned windows!!!" [Yup, there's that other shoe, fell right on top of my goddamn head. Damn it all.]
Following a bit of struggle Spike managed to throw a blanket onto the French windows and put the fire on Willow's arm out.
"Not so easy being a vamp now is it?" he taunted.
"I thought you guys knew when dawn was coming." She whined as she pouted.
"We do, you're just not listening hard enough. So, breakfast?"
"How can you think of breakfast at a time like this? We still need to find a way to undo this, this, madness!"
"Tell you what, you get to researching pet. I'll make breakfast."
"Whatever Spike. Just cover all windows in the house first."
"Right"
It took Spike in Willow's body about thirty minutes to cover each and every window and keep them that way. [Stupid, puny, human body] he thought.
"There ya go, no flames."
"Yippee Skippy, I can research. Let me take this time to jump for joy."
"And happiness abounds for Willow er. What's your last name again?"
"Rosenberg."
"Right. Happiness abounds for Willow Rosenberg."
Having said that. Spike sped off to the kitchen to cook up who knows what. Willow worried what the vampire would call "breakfast." Considering the last time he made a breakfast that didn't include blood was in the 1800s in England. That wasn't a road Willow wanted to go down right about now. Now, making the pain in her arm go away, there was a good idea. Yet again, her thoughts were interrupted by an indignant cry from the kitchen.
"You bloody Americans! Savages! You're all bloody savages! How the hell can you make a decent breakfast with this crap? What is this health nut shit in here? Red, do you even own a frying pan?"
"Cereal or yogurt make just as good breakfast Spike."
As Spike came out of the kitchen to rant some more Willow couldn't help laughing. Spike had donned an apron, an old one of her mother's she could only assume, and came with his hands on her hips raging on about some sort of sausage or other. She might have heard the word blood sausage, but she had no idea what that was nor did she fancy finding out.
"No wonder you're so damned skinny! Have you even heard of the idea of eating three meals a day? Much less a balanced diet consisting of meat every now and again? A bit of bacon maybe, sausages, anything!"
"Spike, I'm Jewish. Bacon isn't considered kosher." This immediately received a snort from Spike.
"And practicing magic is better that eating bacon? I'm sure the rabbis would wholly agree with that. To think there was a time when eating meat on a Friday was a hell-worthy trespass"
"Wrong religion, those would be the Catholics."
"Bloody hell. I do not need this." Throwing down the apron, he stormed towards the door.
"Where are you going?!"
"Outside for a smoke."
"You can't!"
"Wrong. You can't. I can."
Giving up, Willow walked back upstairs and jumped onto the bed hoping to sleep. Being a vampire gave her vampire sleeping hours she guessed because she was extremely tired.
***************
By the time she woke up again who knows when she could hear Spike yelling in various languages, and from what it sounded like, not all of them entirely human either. From the lack of sunlight she could see that it was night but she still wasn't sure what had gotten Spike so angry.
As she more or less stumbled down the stairs she noticed that the television was on to some cartoon channel with an episode of Wile E. Coyote trying to catch Roadrunner. Apparently he was yelling at the TV.
"Spike what's wrong with you? Are you yelling at the TV?"
"As a matter of fact I am, at first I couldn't find any decent channels so I started watching this. Then in every single episode the bloody bird always gets away. I wanna see some bloodshed!"
At the incredulous look on his own face, Spike shut up and sat back down on the couch and began to pout. Then he heard himself giggling again.
"Must I remind you that vampires do not giggle?!"
"Must I remind you that you're yelling quite indignantly might I add at a TV show created for children?" Then some odor that Willow couldn't pinpoint hit her like a truck.
"What the fuck is that smell?!" She screamed, wildly looking around to remove the offending odor from her range of smell.
"Hm?" Spike queried.
"Are you telling me you do not smell that? It's sorta coppery. It isn't all that bad. Smells like food. I'm really hungry." Following the scent Willow stopped dead right in front of Spike.
"It's coming from you. Or me. My body anyways. Or maybe it is you. Have ya cooked anything funky while I was asleep?" She asked.
"I tried a can of soup that I found hidden in the back of the cupboard but I ended up burning it and I had to eat more of the cookies in the fridge and as good as they are. I guess that was a good thing cuz the can said it expired three years ago."
Then Willow managed to put two and two together-the coppery the smell could only have been blood because it stirred desires deep within her to eat. Also she was going through her period now, but her b.o. never got that bad. Did it? Of course she remembered that vampires had an extremely acute sense of smell and Spike had been the reigning occupant of her body and he couldn't have known what to do about it. They probably didn't even have tampons when he was alive. How gross, that tampon must have been there for at least a day now. [Oh my god, what if I get T.S.S.? Holy shit, Spike's gonna die, and I'm gonna be a vampire forever. Oh my god, oh my god. and now I'm babbling. in my head.]
Without a word she proceeded to pull a very confused Spike to the bathroom.
"Where the bloody hell are you takin' me?" His question fell upon deaf ears as Willow rummaged through the medicine cabinet to find a box of tampons and handed it to Spike. She mentally noted that she was out of tampons and would need to go shopping soon. [Damn it]
"And what bloody hell do you expect me to do with this box of-" Spike didn't know what the box was for so he had to take the time to see what was in them, "tampons?" An exasperated Spike asked.
"Read the fucking directions, it isn't rocket science Spike."
"Quite the foul mouth when things aren't just so ain't ya?" As he read the instructions he thought they were rather funny, sort of like some smutty comic book for kids.
"Shut up, Spike, and change the damn tampon." Then another thought came to Willow, did she really want Spike to look at her down there? Deciding that she'd rather not have Spike look at her most private spots she snatched the box from Spike.
"Hey! It's not like I've ever done this before! Give the box back!"
"Shut the hell up Spike, and close your eyes too."
"Why?"
"'Cause I don't want you to look. Duh." She explained, as if her were a child.
"I doubt you've got anything I've never seen before Red."
"I don't care if you've seen thousands Spike, shut your goddamn eyes!" Just as she was thinking of wringing her own neck right now another fresh wave of pain was shot threw her body.
"Thought about hurtin' poor little me eh? Yup just thinking about hurting you stupid sugary idiots is enough for a migraine. Not to keen on the government's little ideas now are you?"
"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" [God this is harder than I thought, why can't I just change the damn tampon and be done with it?] As she was thinking, Spike was getting bored and began singing a song, as he looked down from his imaginary drums he was amused to find that Willow had gone into game face.
"Red~"
"What now?"
"Run your hand across your face" He said innocently.
Exasperated by Spike, but she wanted him to shut up so she did as she was asked.
[Holy shit!] Not believing the bumps below her fingers she ran her tongue across he teeth. Sure enough she cut herself and blood flowed from her tongue. [Not bad. Wait, no. Bad. This is SO not of the good. No amount of therapy will ever make this better.]
She quickly changed the tampon without jumping on her own body, she ran out of the bathroom in record time.
[Oh this is bad, bad, bad. Snacking on your own body is so not good. When the hell is this stupid spell going to wear off?! I'll go insane if I have to do that again! ]
Putting on her resolve face she decided to watch the TV and avoid Spike as much as possible. Now if only Spike agreed.
Laughing to himself he came strolling down from the stairs and seated himself on an armchair by Willow.
"Not so easy now is it?"
"Shut up Spike. Can vampires eat regular human food?"
"You can, it'd be like eating sweets night and day though, because it wouldn't provide any nutrients. Blood isn't that bad, I'm sure you've some in your life."
"How so?"
"Well logically speaking, there are circumstances that can come up in a person's life in which the consumption of blood may occur. It could happen in smaller quantities but still occur."
"Um, Spike? How come you're talking different? Don't take this is in a bad way or anything but you actually sound, how do I put this, educated?" Hearing Willow's timid question, Spike realized just how perceptive and clever Willow could be and still so very modest.
"Contrary to popular belief I'm not a complete moron. I can leave that up to Xander. Anyways, most people don't even know that I actually came from a rather well to do family before I was turned. The Watcher probably figures I was some stupid orphan off the streets from my accent but the more secrets you got the more of an advantage you have over your opponents." Seeing Willow's face slightly fall he pressed on before she could interrupt. "You have to remember that I help you lot for money and you all still fall under the 'enemy' category. Also, if you think about it, what do you know about me?"
"You're evil?"
[You're supposed to be the smart one Red! All you can figure out is that I'm evil?]
"Luv, let's try something beyond my usual slogan."
"You're the 'big bad'?"
"I knew you'd give yourself a peep show! Little Red's not as innocent as everyone thinks she is!"
"Spike!" In response to his suggestion she threw one of her mother's prized little decoration pillows at him.
"Hey! How come you're not cringing in pain from trying to hurt me?"
"Wha? Oh, I didn't mean to hurt you, I was just throwing it at you."
"Right. Back to the matter at hand, you don't know much about me now do you?" Willow refused to be the ignorant one in the situation she started to spout various things she learned about Spike from the Watcher's diaries.
"I do so! You're Spike, also known as William the Bloody known for his fondness of killing his victims with railroad spikes. You've already killed two slayers and you were part of the Scourge of Europe. Angelus was your sire-" She would have gone on for longer but Spike of course had to interrupt. Not having to breathe had its upside; she could babble on and on and not turn blue.
"Let's stop you right there pet. Angelus was never my sire. You see my real sire's-"
"But that one time in high school when Angel pretended to be Angelus and had Xander, you said 'you're my sire, you were my Yoda!' you said it, you said it, you said it!"
"Tell me luv, do you have some insane driving force in you to win all arguments at whatever the cost?"
"Maybe, but you said Angel was your sire. Well not Angel it was probably Angelus because Angel wouldn't turn anyone cuz of the soul and all and-"
"You're really taking this 'I don't need to breathe' thing as far you can aren't you?" he asked as he held the bridge of his nose while cringing, unknown to him, strikingly like Giles.
"Noticed?" She quipped with a quirky smile.
"Yeah. Red you also realize during the course of this conversation you have inched closer and closer to me?" Hearing this comment, Willow noticed just how much she had moved.
"God, I'm so hungry! Oh speaking of Angel, I've got blood somewhere from the last time Angel was here! Oh my god I can't believe I'm going to be drinking blood. Ew."
"The poof was here?" Spike didn't know why but yet again that feeling of angry possessiveness came over him, like at the Bronze that one night when he thought Willow had been turned.
"Yeah that one time at Thanksgiving, remember Xander was all 'And Dead-boy was here too.' He can be an idiot sometimes. Buffy took it pretty hard." she hastily explained as she rushed off.
"The one where Slutty made a bear?"
Willow on the other hand wasn't even in the living room any more; she used the super speed to her advantage and raced to the little refrigerator in the garage. Amidst the bottles of vodka and whiskey and various other bottles of alcohol her parents didn't want her to find, she found a packet of blood. Of what origin-did she really want to open that can of worms?
Walking back to the kitchen she said to herself, "I cannot believe I'm planning on drinking a packet of blood." visibly shuddering she popped the bag in the microwave for a few minutes and settled back down on the couch and right back into the conversation.
"Slu-I mean Buffy made a bear?" [Buffy never told me she made a bear]
"Yes while you and the demon bird were outside beatin' the shit out of those Indians-"
"Native Americans" she interrupted.
"Bite me." He deadpanned with a smirk on his face.
"Gladly-I mean, get on with it Spike"
"We're just full of slipups aren't we?"
"Don't change the subject!"
[Fine, we'll go down that road later on.] "Yeah, yeah, yeah, anyways, she stabbed one of those Native Americans with his own knife and he turned into a bear."
"Uh huh. and where were you?"
"Tied to a chair, defenseless against the flying wooden arrows flying about. I was absolutely calm though." He said with a pathetic look on his face.
"Poor baby." she said with the word 'sarcastic' firmly etched onto her face.
By this time Spike was wondering why he hadn't heard the microwave go off. [Stupid human ears, can't hear a bloody thing.]
"Red, how long did ya microwave that packet of blood for?"
"A few minutes I think, why?"
"You realize most humans blood temperatures are 98.6 don't you?"
"Yes." [And this question would be leading where.?] Willow wondered.
"Well." [Come on. Oh! I thought I saw a few wheels turn in that head!]
"Well.?" [Maybe if I just stare at him long enough the answer will just come to me.]
"Think about it Red, if heated a cup of water for say coffee for a few minutes what would happen to it?" [Cor, this chit can be REALLY slow at times.]
"It'd get really hot and some of it would probably evaporate." Dumbfounded that Red had yet to see the connection between his little analogy he tried Anya's approach and explained himself as bluntly and clearly as possible.
"Think Red, a packet of blood in the microwave for a few minutes-Do you fancy wiping down the bloody remains of your dinner from the microwave!?" he yelled in frustration.
"Oh shit!" and with that she ran to the microwave to pull the bag out of the microwave (unknown to either being, a few seconds before it would have burst.).
As an after thought, Spike added, more to himself then to anyone else, "No pun intended"
**********
At Giles's house later that night, the remaining Scoobies were dealing with their newest demon; however, without their resident genius there, things were running far from smoothly. As a result, a substitute Scooby was placed in Willow's usual chair. The lucky contestant to surf the web was. Xander. That night, he was the one that drew the shortest straw, and was forced to navigate the treacherous waters of web surfing for demons.
"For the love of God! How in the hell does Willow do this? The last ten sites I've hit have been porn sites!" He exclaimed after a fruitless search.
"So you're saying that you've been on that wretched contraption for the past two hours looking at porn?" With his incredulous question, Giles immediately shoved Xander out of the chair while avoiding looking at the screen.
"Oh come on G-man! It's not like it's the first time you've seen porn! I bet your history file is full of sites exactly like the ones I was at!" the young man claimed indignantly.
Once the porn sites were effectively closed, Giles cleaned his glasses, as was his custom when he was flustered, asked Buffy to research. After that, Giles handed Xander an extremely thick tome on demons in a manner that suspiciously looked as if he were aiming for Xander's head.
After another unsuccessful hour of researching for hour passed, Buffy's head was heard banging itself onto Giles's mahogany desk with a resounding 'smack,' quickly followed by an 'ow.'
"I don't see why we just don't ask Willow to call us from her house if she finds anything about the stupid demon we're all looking for." Anya complained as she began to rub Xander's thigh in order to get his vote of approval as well.
"Yeah Giles, it'll probably take her twenty minutes max!" Buffy said, more to the desk than to anyone else but still, her two cents her officially in.
"The poor girl called in sick today, and you children want to ring her because you can't research." was Giles's rather disappointed reply.
"Fine, if we can get her help this one time we'll like set her up on a date 'kay?" Buffy said as she raced to the phone before Giles could stop her.
**********
As Willow was wading through the shallow end of a placid lake, a distant ringing noise pulled her back to reality. She had finally fallen asleep and the phone began to ring.
[I swear to god, if that's a telemarketer, I'm going to hex their ass into next Thursday.] She thought irritably as she blindly searched for the phone that should have been sitting on the table by her bed. After a few seconds of groping blindly, she realized that she was in the guest room and she'd have to go her room in order to answer the phone. [Mmph, screw it, answering machines exist for this purpose only]
As soon as that thought was completed, the answering machine picked up.
"Hi! You've reached the Rosenberg residence. We're not here right now so leave you're name and number at the beep!"
"Hey Wills! You've gotta help us!" came Buffy's voice
[Eh?] Willow thought.
"We've been trying to track this demon for, like, hours and we've gotten no where can you PLEASE help us?!"
[And it never ends does it?!] She thought scornfully.
Just then she heard her own voice pick up the phone and yell into the receiver,
"Oh, for the fuck's sake, bugger off! I'm supposed to be sick!" and she heard her phone being thrown into the wall.
[Good one Spike. Real smooth] Willow thought as she attempted to put an excuse for herself together.
**********
On the other end.
"Well, isn't Willow just feeling MARVELOUS today." and with a huff, Buffy slammed the phone down and stalked off to another desk.
Having heard what "Willow" had just said, Giles began to worry and decided he'd have to visit Willow and find out if something was bothering her lately. With that, he adjourned the Scooby meeting saying the demon would probably die if it were staked anyways, and drove off to Willow's.
TBC.
A/N: Major good karma points for those who reviewed! Surprisingly no flames yet, but my extinguisher's handy. the offer for my beta is still very open, someone PLEASE take pity on a person who cringes at reading their own material more than twice and offer to help those less fortunate. I promise, I'll only bother you with this one story.