Title: I Meant Harm 1/?
Author: Tracy
Summary: H/M Shipper, in response to "Take It Like a Man". Picks up where
that epi left off. This might suck, but I just couldn't let it alone. I
had to write something after that! I haven't given up hope, but, whew,
that was a tough one to take. Not beta'd. All mistakes are mine.
PG (maybe PG-13)
27 February 2004 22:00 Local Home of Clayton Webb
"I love you, too, Sarah," Clay whispered, and leaned forward to kiss my temple. I put my head down so that my eyes wouldn't betray me.
"Clay, I'm really tired," I said quietly. "I think I'll head home."
"Stay, Sarah, you shouldn't be alone tonight."
Little does he know, I'm alone even if I stay with him. I can't tell him the truth . . . I meant Harm. I love Clay, I do. But would I sell my soul to the Devil, as I did by killing Saddiq, for him? No.
But the man that I've loved since our first assignment together? In a minute. I'd have joined the Devil in Hell for Harm.
And what difference does it make? I don't have Harm. I have Clay. And what does Clay have? Damaged goods. I'm hollow inside. There's a hole in my heart where Harm has always been. We've been playing at friendship, and we're getting along. It's just not the same.
"I'll call you tomorrow, Clay," I said, picking up my jacket. "Maybe we can have lunch."
Did I really say that? Is that what you say to a man you've been sleeping with? 'We'll do lunch?' The hurt look in Clay's eyes told me that he knew. He's known all along. And he threw Harm in my face the other night, in case there was any question in either of our minds that he knew.
"Sure, that would be great," Clay said half-heartedly, avoiding my eyes.
As I maneuvered my car through the streets of Alexandria, away from Clay's condo, I found myself turning away from Georgetown, and driving toward Union Station. 'It's late' I told myself. 'I'll disturb him' I rationalized. 'He's probably spending quality time with Mattie' I lectured myself. The excuses carried me to the front door of his loft. I lifted my hand to knock, and
"MAC! What are you doing here at this hour?" Harm is coming down the hall from the girls' apartment, obviously having said good night to his charge(s). I put my heart back in my chest from whence it leapt when he surprised the hell out of me.
"Uhh, I was coming to see you to discuss, er . . . ah . . ." I looked like a deer caught in the headlights, and I could see Harm's brow furrow in concern. "Well . . . uh." To my utter and complete mortification, my eyes started to fill, and my throat started to close. Harm's eyes opened wide and as he turned the knob to let us into his apartment, his arm went around me and he drew me in with him.
After he closed the door, he pulled me into his arms and held me more tightly than I think I've ever been held in my life. I couldn't have fought my way out of his embrace, and I can't imagine why I would want to. I felt safe; for the first time in months, safe.
Unfortunately, his attempts at soothing me only made me cry harder. I realized how much I loved him in that moment and how undeserving I felt. I sobbed for us. I cried for me, for him, and yes, even for Clay. I cried for Paraguay, for "never", for every unkind word that had passed between us. I cried for lost chances, wasted time, and bruised hearts.
Harm pulled back to look at me, but I just burrowed in deeper. "Hey, hey, hey?!?!" he said softly, pulling back successfully to wipe at my tears, and to lift my chin so he could look in my eyes. "What is all this?"
"Harm," I pleaded with him, sniffling and then returning my head to his chest where it belonged (hopefully forever). "Please just hold me, please? I need you, more than I have ever needed anyone, I need you. Hold me please!"
"I'm here, Sarah, I'm here," Harm soothed. "I'll always be here for you." His hand smoothed my hair, and moved to my back. He pulled back again to take my jacket off, and then, with his arm around me, led me to the couch. I was still crying just as hard as I had been when I walked through the door, and I was starting to get a headache, but I couldn't stop myself. It seemed so hopeless!
Harm wrapped his arms around me again, and pulled his head to my shoulder. He whispered soft words of comfort and rocked me against him. My sobs dwindled to hiccups and as I felt his warmth surrounding me, his breath against my face, my eyes drifted closed and I drifted off into a peaceful sleep.
27 February 2004 22:00 Local Home of Clayton Webb
"I love you, too, Sarah," Clay whispered, and leaned forward to kiss my temple. I put my head down so that my eyes wouldn't betray me.
"Clay, I'm really tired," I said quietly. "I think I'll head home."
"Stay, Sarah, you shouldn't be alone tonight."
Little does he know, I'm alone even if I stay with him. I can't tell him the truth . . . I meant Harm. I love Clay, I do. But would I sell my soul to the Devil, as I did by killing Saddiq, for him? No.
But the man that I've loved since our first assignment together? In a minute. I'd have joined the Devil in Hell for Harm.
And what difference does it make? I don't have Harm. I have Clay. And what does Clay have? Damaged goods. I'm hollow inside. There's a hole in my heart where Harm has always been. We've been playing at friendship, and we're getting along. It's just not the same.
"I'll call you tomorrow, Clay," I said, picking up my jacket. "Maybe we can have lunch."
Did I really say that? Is that what you say to a man you've been sleeping with? 'We'll do lunch?' The hurt look in Clay's eyes told me that he knew. He's known all along. And he threw Harm in my face the other night, in case there was any question in either of our minds that he knew.
"Sure, that would be great," Clay said half-heartedly, avoiding my eyes.
As I maneuvered my car through the streets of Alexandria, away from Clay's condo, I found myself turning away from Georgetown, and driving toward Union Station. 'It's late' I told myself. 'I'll disturb him' I rationalized. 'He's probably spending quality time with Mattie' I lectured myself. The excuses carried me to the front door of his loft. I lifted my hand to knock, and
"MAC! What are you doing here at this hour?" Harm is coming down the hall from the girls' apartment, obviously having said good night to his charge(s). I put my heart back in my chest from whence it leapt when he surprised the hell out of me.
"Uhh, I was coming to see you to discuss, er . . . ah . . ." I looked like a deer caught in the headlights, and I could see Harm's brow furrow in concern. "Well . . . uh." To my utter and complete mortification, my eyes started to fill, and my throat started to close. Harm's eyes opened wide and as he turned the knob to let us into his apartment, his arm went around me and he drew me in with him.
After he closed the door, he pulled me into his arms and held me more tightly than I think I've ever been held in my life. I couldn't have fought my way out of his embrace, and I can't imagine why I would want to. I felt safe; for the first time in months, safe.
Unfortunately, his attempts at soothing me only made me cry harder. I realized how much I loved him in that moment and how undeserving I felt. I sobbed for us. I cried for me, for him, and yes, even for Clay. I cried for Paraguay, for "never", for every unkind word that had passed between us. I cried for lost chances, wasted time, and bruised hearts.
Harm pulled back to look at me, but I just burrowed in deeper. "Hey, hey, hey?!?!" he said softly, pulling back successfully to wipe at my tears, and to lift my chin so he could look in my eyes. "What is all this?"
"Harm," I pleaded with him, sniffling and then returning my head to his chest where it belonged (hopefully forever). "Please just hold me, please? I need you, more than I have ever needed anyone, I need you. Hold me please!"
"I'm here, Sarah, I'm here," Harm soothed. "I'll always be here for you." His hand smoothed my hair, and moved to my back. He pulled back again to take my jacket off, and then, with his arm around me, led me to the couch. I was still crying just as hard as I had been when I walked through the door, and I was starting to get a headache, but I couldn't stop myself. It seemed so hopeless!
Harm wrapped his arms around me again, and pulled his head to my shoulder. He whispered soft words of comfort and rocked me against him. My sobs dwindled to hiccups and as I felt his warmth surrounding me, his breath against my face, my eyes drifted closed and I drifted off into a peaceful sleep.