"Valentines Day Massacre"
(Opening shot of the house to Brian sitting on the couch as Peter walks in)
Peter: Hey Brian what u watching?
Brian: Some new show my cousin is on...
(Jasper is near a closet door talking to Scooby-Doo)
Jasper: Now Scoobs those caller are sooooo last week, try this
(Jasper hands Scooby and flashy Purple and Pink collar, Scooby puts in on)
Jasper: Meow! Are you a box of sasueigers(?) cause i could eat u right up!
Peter: Oh my god that color is soooooo last season!
(Cuts to main theme which then cuts to the Stewie, Chris, Meg, and Brian sitting in the family room as Peter runs in)
Peter: Kids! Kids! Your mother is DEAD!
Meg: OH my god No!
Peter: HAHAHA got'cha, but seriously I need a gift for your mom got any suggestions?
Brian: You got Lois a crappy Valentines day gift again?
Peter: Well, that last gift was something I thought was something she would really like?
(Flashback to Peter and Lois in a women's strip)
Peter: Yea like this honey? EH? EH?
(Flashs back)
Peter: Look just give me an idea okay?
Meg: You could get mom a trip to Paris I'm studying French in school!
Peter: Look Mister I don't know who you are but you can't just come into my house and tell me to take a trip to Mexico!
Meg: Arg!
Brian: How 'bout you take her to a nice romantic dinner?
Peter: Brian it's Valintines day, it's not the time to be thinking about love!
Brian: You are an idiot!
Stewie: oh! OH! Me next how about you kill Lois!
Peter: well……
Brian: NO! I mean here
(Brian hands Peter a card saying "Romantic Crap Island")
Brian: I was saving this for a date next week but you can take Lois I'm sure you'll have a great time
Peter: Oh thank you Brian, if I weren't Irish and afraid of being seen kissing a male, I'd kiss ya'
(Lois walks in with a black robe on)
Lois: Hey sexy!
Peter: Lois he's only one!
Lois: I was talkin' to you, how 'bout you meet me in our room!
Peter: RRRRR
Stewie: Oh god, it's like to seals getting their "Freak On"!
(Cuts to Peter and Lois entering their room)
Lois: Get on the bed baby!
Peter: Meow!
(Cuts to the door closed only voices can be heard now)
Lois: Hehehe oh Peter!
Peter: hehe Lois, ah ah it's stuck!
Lois: Oh no, just pull PULL!
Peter: I'm trying I'm trying!!!
Lois: Think of Superman or Batman!
Peter: That's only making it worse!
Lois: Oh god Chris get the butter!
(Chris walks by the door with a tube of butter and opens the door to find Peter and Lois playing a game of "Ker-Pluck" Peter pulls a stick)
Peter: HAHe Ker-Pluck!
Lois: Oh, Peter Happy Valintines day! Now what you get me is it Orlando Bloom mmmm he's tastey!
Peter: Ahhh no!
(Peter hands Lois the card saying "Romantic Crap Island")
Lois: Well is odd, I got this same thing for Brian last week for a date
Peter: Ha last odd I got it from him just now! Oh crap!
Lois: YOU WHAT YOU DIDN'T REMEMBER TO GET ME A GIFT I'M SOOOOOO AHHH
(Lois runs off in a furry)
Peter: Gez what is she so pissed about!
(cuts to black and reopens at the Griffin Family kitchen at breakfast time)
Chris: Hey mom guess what Stacy got for me for Valintines Day! A Shinny Nickel!
Lois: Well at least somebody remembered unlike some fat-ass pigs!
Peter: Look Lois I said I was sorry!
Lois: no you didn't!
Peter: Hmmm well I was about to…. I'm sorry…there now let's go have sex!
Lois: OH come on!!! AHHHHHHHHH that's it Peter I'm getting a divorce!
Stewie: No Lois just lardo I can see now….
(Cuts to Stewie in a Buttoned up shirt and pink underwear sliding across the room to "Old Time Rock and Roll")
(Re-cuts to Stewie in a high-chair)
Stewie: ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Peter: Lois you can't get divorce who will make the food? or Clean the house?
Lois: Is that all I am to you? A some sort of slave?
Peter: ahhhh no?
Lois: That's it I'm going to my mothers!
(Lois gets up and walks off)
Peter: Brian what am I gonna do?
Brian: well Peter….
(Lois walks in)
Lois: I forgot the keys
(Lois walks off)
Brian: Well, Peter you did get yourself into this mess!
Peter: I guess…
Brian: Look, just wait a while and tell Lois you love her I'm sure she'll forgive you
Peter: That's what you said last time…
(Flashback to Peter holding a boom-box with "In Your Eyes" playing)
Peter: LOIS!!!! LOIS!!! LOIS!!!
(cuts back)
Brian: That was John Cusack in "Say Anything"
Peter: Oh right, well I guess will have to wait and see.…
(Goes to Black and Returns to a shot of the Griffin House then to Stewie at the kicheten with Peter sighing)
Stewie: Now it's just the men yea! (hits his chest)…..yea woo!
Peter: ahhhh
Stewie: Yup just the men, you, me, the dog, Chris…Meg
Peter: arghhhhh
Stewie: Good God you are depressed…
Peter: Oh Stewie I'm so sad!!! Hold me
(Peter gets up and hugs Stewie)
Stewie: Stop it! Stop it I said! I can't breath…ahhh the fat is sucking me in!
Peter: That's Sweet….
(Cuts to the Pewterschmidt mansion then to Lois sitting on with her parents)
Lois: Oh mommy I didn't want to leave Peter it's just
Barbara: I know dear, he was an asshole, but Lois your father and I have and special friend we would like you to meet…
(Colin Farrell walks in)
Colin: (in an Irish tone) hello you little mother fucker, it's it just me or does this place small like fuck…..shit…bustard ass fuck bitch
Barbara: This is Colin Farrell, his (whispering) rich
Lois: Oh hello!
Coilin: Eh? Hey do you want to fuck?
Lois: Oh I don't know I still married…
Colin: And I have a baby, tomato tomato
Lois: Don't you mean tomato tamoto?
Colin: No
(A butler walks in with a phone on a plater)
Bulter: Phone, Mrs. Griffin…
Lois: Oh thank you
Peter: Lois?
Lois: Oh IT'S YOU!
Peter: Yea, ummmm look Lois I'm really sorry….and…..
Lois: Peter I know your sorry you just have to show me you are….
Peter: We're on the phone Lois
Lois: Peter, until you show me that you love me and your sorry I'm not coming home
Peter: FINE!
(Both hang up the phone)
(Fads to black and re-opens to the Griffin home, Peter is in rags and sitting on the couch while Brian carrying coffee and paper enters)
Peter: Hey Brian!
Brian: (dropping his items) Peter you're a mess!
Peter: Well since Lois has left I haven't been able to do anything
Brian: well at least dust the dust off your shirt
(Brian dusts Peter's shirt as Stewie gasping falls out from his stomach)
Stewie: Oh god, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me
Brian: Dear god, We need Lois back….
(Shot of Pewterschmidt mansion followed by Lois sitting by the fireplace with her parents)
Lois: Oh, Mom I miss Peter…
Barbara: No you don't..
Lois: What?
Barbara: I mean I know how you fell, if I didn't have my father I wouldn't be able to afford this diamond ring!
Lois: Mom, Peter is more then just that to me he special, he cares for me and…
Barbara: And what?
Lois: And I think I just fingered out where I should be right now!
(Lois kicks up and runs off)
Barbara: crap….
(cuts to Stewie watching TV)
Stewie: Ahhh, days without Lois life is good……yes……..hummmmmmm…….huh…….Let's see what's on the tube!
(Cuts to the TV)
Announcer: NBC welcomes you to the last episode of "Friends"
(Cuts to the "Friends" cast at the "Central Perk")
Rachel: I can't believe I'm a single women living in New York with a baby!
*fake audience laugh*
Ross: Oh Rach!
*fake audience laugh*
Chandler: (in a gay tone) Get a Room!!!
*fake audience laugh*
Rachel: Chandler you are so..
*fake audience laugh*
Rachel: err Chandler you
*fake audience laugh (sped up)*
Rachel: Chand--
*fake audience laugh (sped up)*
Rachel: Cha
*fake audience laugh (sped up) then followed by an explosion*
(Cuts back to Stewie)
Stewie: Damn Laugh tracks!
(Peter walks in)
Peter: Hey Stewie…..
Stewie: (in a sweet voice) Hey big guy! You doing good?
Peter: yea (sniffles)
Stewie: You want a tissue?
Peter: That's okay..
Stewie: What I am I doing help you get back Lois? (sarcastically) YEA RIGHT!
(Stewie walks off and Brian enters)
Brian: Hey Lois coming yet?
Peter: No, she's on some high saying that I have to show her I'm sorry and that I love her
Brian: hmmm
Peter: Uh Brian is Lois in pot?
Brian: I don't think so, look Lois is right you NEED to show her that you love her, you don't give her enough credit!
Peter: But what can I do?
Brian: Well, you could first by saying you love her and then do something special for her…
Peter: I got the perfect idea!
(Peter runs off and Stewie walks in)
Stewie: What was that? Did you just allow that fat-man get Lois back
(Stewie slaps Brian)
Stewie: Good job dog
(Stewie and Brian exchange smiles that quickly turn to frowns)
Stewie: Well….yes….
(Cuts to Peter in the garage in the dark)
Peter: There the perfect thing!
(Peter picks the dark item up)
Peter: Oh crap Lois has the car….
(Quaqmire walks in)
Quaqmire: Hey, hey Peter what'cha doing in the dark?
Peter: Quaqmire thank god you came in at the time you did! You have a car don't you?
Quaqmire: Yea?
Peter: Can I borrow it?
Quaqmire: Sure
Peter: Thanks huh? Kinda of ironic that you showed up at the time you did….it's just ironic
PeterandQuaqmire: (whispering) yea I really do think
(Shot of Peter driving off in Quaqmire's car)
(Stewie, Brian, Meg and Chirs are all sitting on the couch)
Chris: Haha puppy!
Meg: Chris what are you laughing at the it's a beer commercial WITH NO DOGS
Chris: That's what the man wants you to think
Meg: arg…..
(The doorbell rings)
Meg: I'll get it
(Meg walks to the door and opens it to see Lois at the door)
Meg: MOM!
Lois: Hello swetty…I need to talk to your father
Meg: Oh he just left he said he had something really important to do…
Brian: Oh MY GOD!
Lois: Brian what is it?
Brian: It's Peter he's on TV!
(Lois runs to the TV, followed by a shot of Peter on the TV in front of the Channel 5 news station)
Peter: Hello citizens of Quahog, you may know me as Peter Griffin, a caring father, a man, a sex star but there's one thing I'm not until now a loving father! And from now I will be. Lois I love you! Will you forgive me?
Lois: Of course I will!
Peter: I can't hear? what?
Lois: Oh Peter
(shot of the Griffin Home, followed by a shot of Peter and Brian sitting on the couch)
Brian: well Peter, looks like everything's back to normal…
Peter: Yup!
Lois: AHHHHH PETER!!
Peter: Oh god!
Lois: YOU FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY!
Peter: Oh CRAP!!
Lois: Kidding!
Peter: You Bitch!
(Fads to credits)