I Hope You Dance
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Disclaimers: Calleigh, Tim, Delko and Horatio all belong to CBS. Lyrics from Lee Ann Womack's album I hope you dance
A/N: Without giving anything away, I've taken certain liberties with part of the story concerning a condition I don't know much about. If I've gotten any facts wrong, please forgive my ignorance--I'm no doctor
~ I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed ~
Watching her daughter walking hand-in-hand along the shore with her husband, Calleigh was struck by the pure beauty of the moment. Her eyes filled with tears as she watched them, savoring the sight of them.
Hanna squealed with delight as she held up a sand dollar for her father to see and he spoke words of encouragement too low for Calleigh to identify.
Taking a sip of her iced tea, Calleigh wondered for the umpteenth time why it had taken her so long to get to this place in her life. A place she could be truly happy.
His eyes caught hers and he smiled at her as their daughter ran ahead of him, a bucket and shovel clutched in her chubby fingers as she went in search of more treasures from the deep.
Calleigh smiled through her tears and let out a giggle as Tim caught up to Hanna in a few quick strides and lifted her into his arms, swinging her around as she laughed gleefully.
To think she had nearly missed out on this. They had worked together for years before either of them was willing to acknowledge the shared attraction.
She had always believed he was way too serious for her and that she would drive him mad with her constant cheerfulness. The truth of the matter had come out late one night when Tim was helping her clean up after a night of poker she's hosted.
Everyone else had left and Calleigh had been pleasantly surprised to find that Tim was in no hurry to leave her side. For two people who'd known each other for years but had never had a conversation more than a couple of minutes long, they had both been surprised to look at the clock and realize they'd been talking for hours.
After that night they started to spend more and more off time alone together and when they shared their first kiss it just seemed to be a natural progression of their budding friendship.
It was then that she realized she was in love with him and had been for a long time.
Now Calleigh felt like she couldn't really remember what her life was like before she shared it with Tim and while she knew she'd been happy, it was nothing compared to now.
For all the happiness she felt, there was a dark cloud hovering above her and she knew it would never go away. It was just going to get bigger and bigger until it finally enveloped her.
***
~ I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance ~
Hanna was holding something in her hand, studying it with a serious expression, her dark curls moving lightly in the breeze. She was so much like Tim! Calleigh often marveled at their similarity and although others argued with her, she couldn't see much of herself in their daughter.
Except for her green eyes, Hanna was the spitting image of her dad.
"Mama, look what I got! It's for you." Hanna ran over to Calleigh, presenting her with large shell with a pearly underside.
"Thank-you! That's beautiful baby. I bet you're finding lots of neat stuff out there."
"Yup. Gotta go get more." Hanna made a beeline for a group of shells nearby and began loading up her bucket.
Tim chuckled and Calleigh attempted a laugh that came out sounding more like a sob. Stretching out on the blanket beside her, Tim reached for her hand.
"How you doing?" Calleigh shook her head, knowing that she was on the edge of breaking into tears.
She let Tim pull her into his arms and forced herself to breathe, not wanting to lose control in front of their daughter.
"I'm sorry Tim." Calleigh said after a few moments of silence. He looked at her, his brows furrowed in concern.
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Cal. I don't ever want you to feel that way." Calleigh smiled at him and pulled his face toward hers, kissing him.
Even now, after five years of marriage, in the middle of a public beach with their daughter a few feet away, she could still get lost in the heat of the moment with him.
Instead of Hanna though, it was a sudden flurry of activity in another area that distracted them from each other. They pulled apart breathlessly and eyed Calleigh's eight-month pregnant belly with a mixture of delight and surprise.
"Well, it seems like someone wants to make their presence known." Tim said, touching her belly softly. "Hey Buddy, you nearly ready to come out?"
"I can't wait." Calleigh said softly.
"Neither can I." Tim replied, running his fingers through her blonde locks, kissing her again. Hanna chose that moment to come over and plant herself on Tim's lap, leaning over so her head was resting against Calleigh's stomach.
"I wanna go back to the hotel. I'm hungry." Calleigh ran her fingers through Hanna's curls, suddenly realizing how quickly the day had flown by.
"I guess we should head back and figure out what to do for dinner. Someone's looking tired." Tim nodded with a smile and together they began packing up their afternoon at the beach.
***
~ I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making... ~
Five hours later Calleigh was sitting on the balcony of their hotel room, gazing at the sunset on the horizon.
Only three more days were left of their vacation of a lifetime. The vacation of Calleigh's lifetime at least.
It had been amazing, a whirlwind and Calleigh had seen parts of the world she'd always dreamed of seeing. It had almost been enough to make her forget about what was waiting for her when they returned home.
Now that the vacation was winding down Calleigh could feel herself becoming farther removed from her family and spending more and more time lost in thought.
Most of those thoughts were for her children...Hanna, who was three years old and becoming more and more independent every day and the little one inside her, who she'd never met but already loved with such intensity that it frightened her.
Calleigh thought back to the day nearly three months ago when she had received the phone call from her doctor asking her to come in as soon as she could. And telling her it would be a good idea for her husband to come in too.
Headaches had been plaguing Calleigh along with never-ending nausea so her doctor had finally put her through a battery of tests to figure out what was wrong. She had been missing a lot of work and was having a hard time taking care of Hanna feeling the way she did.
She was sure it was something more than just pregnancy affecting her body.
After hearing his words on the phone fear had gripped her heart like a vise and Calleigh prayed for their baby, imagining all of the worst scenarios. Tim was her rock, even though she knew he was going through hell right along with her.
It soon became evident that her condition had nothing to do with her pregnancy but there was little reason for celebration. She had to undergo more tests, both of them praying the whole time that it wasn't what they feared.
Neither of them could have prepared for what the doctor told them. They'd found an inoperable brain tumor. There were treatments that could slow the growth, all of which would terminate her pregnancy but even with treatment, her condition was terminal.
Feeling her unborn child's active movements now, Calleigh had no regrets about her decision to put off any treatments that might keep her around a little bit longer. It would only delay the inevitable and there was no question that she would give her life for this child.
***
~ Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance ~
She had definitely started to come to terms with the fact that her life was ending, the hard part was the knowledge that Tim and the children would have to go on without her.
Someday there would be another woman, Tim insisted there wouldn't but Calleigh knew that he wouldn't want to be alone forever and that her memory would eventually fade in to the background...
"Don't even talk that way, Calleigh." He'd said, the denial written all over his face.
"I know it's hard to think about right now but I need to know that you're going to move on." She'd insisted softly, putting her arms around his waist. The tears were flowing down his cheeks as he listened to her.
"Don't put life on hold because I'm not with you. I need to know you're going to be okay."
She knew that her husband would love another woman and that her children would celebrate all of the important moments in their lives with someone else in her place.
This vacation had been a chance for Calleigh to create some memories that Hanna and Tim would hopefully hold onto long after she was gone, no matter who they shared their lives with.
They had had doubts as to whether or not Horatio would allow them both to take time off work without telling him the dire truth but he knew Calleigh well enough to know that something had gone horribly wrong.
And there was no mistaking the stricken look on Tim's face when he thought no one was watching.
They had told only a handful of people of Calleigh's condition, Delko being one of them. His tearful reaction had ripped Calleigh's heart out and she knew she couldn't handle going through it again and again.
She decided that they would keep it to themselves for as long as possible and Tim had agreed.
In the end, Horatio hadn't questioned their request for a sudden holiday and Calleigh was so glad now that they had done it.
"What a beautiful sight." Tim stood in the doorway and Calleigh turned her head to smile at him.
"It is gorgeous." Calleigh agreed. "I'm going to miss it."
"Me too." Tim said quietly and Calleigh knew he was talking about more than just the sunset.
She held out her hand to him and he took it, pulling her up and into his embrace. They stood that way for a long time, just holding each other. Calleigh closed her eyes, thinking how lucky she was to have found Tim.
Even if they could only be together for a short time, Calleigh knew she couldn't have found a better man to raise her children. Even without Calleigh, Tim would give them the life she'd never had growing up.
***
Before they went to bed, Calleigh went to check on Hanna, sleeping in the room adjoining theirs.
These days she couldn't get enough of the sight of her daughter, they were all bittersweet moments but Calleigh wouldn't give them up for anything.
"Goodnight, my angel." Calleigh whispered. Giving Hanna a gentle kiss on the forehead, Calleigh said a silent prayer for her.
All the hopes and dreams she had for her daughter, and there were so many, Calleigh prayed she would grow up into a good, strong person who wouldn't be afraid to take chances.
Calleigh was happy with her life now but there had been too many instances when she had let fear control her.
She shook her head, remembering all the time she had wasted worrying about the little things.
But now wasn't the time to have any regrets over her past mistakes. She had to live in the here and now because now was all she had.
~ Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone ~
~The End~
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Disclaimers: Calleigh, Tim, Delko and Horatio all belong to CBS. Lyrics from Lee Ann Womack's album I hope you dance
A/N: Without giving anything away, I've taken certain liberties with part of the story concerning a condition I don't know much about. If I've gotten any facts wrong, please forgive my ignorance--I'm no doctor
~ I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed ~
Watching her daughter walking hand-in-hand along the shore with her husband, Calleigh was struck by the pure beauty of the moment. Her eyes filled with tears as she watched them, savoring the sight of them.
Hanna squealed with delight as she held up a sand dollar for her father to see and he spoke words of encouragement too low for Calleigh to identify.
Taking a sip of her iced tea, Calleigh wondered for the umpteenth time why it had taken her so long to get to this place in her life. A place she could be truly happy.
His eyes caught hers and he smiled at her as their daughter ran ahead of him, a bucket and shovel clutched in her chubby fingers as she went in search of more treasures from the deep.
Calleigh smiled through her tears and let out a giggle as Tim caught up to Hanna in a few quick strides and lifted her into his arms, swinging her around as she laughed gleefully.
To think she had nearly missed out on this. They had worked together for years before either of them was willing to acknowledge the shared attraction.
She had always believed he was way too serious for her and that she would drive him mad with her constant cheerfulness. The truth of the matter had come out late one night when Tim was helping her clean up after a night of poker she's hosted.
Everyone else had left and Calleigh had been pleasantly surprised to find that Tim was in no hurry to leave her side. For two people who'd known each other for years but had never had a conversation more than a couple of minutes long, they had both been surprised to look at the clock and realize they'd been talking for hours.
After that night they started to spend more and more off time alone together and when they shared their first kiss it just seemed to be a natural progression of their budding friendship.
It was then that she realized she was in love with him and had been for a long time.
Now Calleigh felt like she couldn't really remember what her life was like before she shared it with Tim and while she knew she'd been happy, it was nothing compared to now.
For all the happiness she felt, there was a dark cloud hovering above her and she knew it would never go away. It was just going to get bigger and bigger until it finally enveloped her.
***
~ I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance ~
Hanna was holding something in her hand, studying it with a serious expression, her dark curls moving lightly in the breeze. She was so much like Tim! Calleigh often marveled at their similarity and although others argued with her, she couldn't see much of herself in their daughter.
Except for her green eyes, Hanna was the spitting image of her dad.
"Mama, look what I got! It's for you." Hanna ran over to Calleigh, presenting her with large shell with a pearly underside.
"Thank-you! That's beautiful baby. I bet you're finding lots of neat stuff out there."
"Yup. Gotta go get more." Hanna made a beeline for a group of shells nearby and began loading up her bucket.
Tim chuckled and Calleigh attempted a laugh that came out sounding more like a sob. Stretching out on the blanket beside her, Tim reached for her hand.
"How you doing?" Calleigh shook her head, knowing that she was on the edge of breaking into tears.
She let Tim pull her into his arms and forced herself to breathe, not wanting to lose control in front of their daughter.
"I'm sorry Tim." Calleigh said after a few moments of silence. He looked at her, his brows furrowed in concern.
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Cal. I don't ever want you to feel that way." Calleigh smiled at him and pulled his face toward hers, kissing him.
Even now, after five years of marriage, in the middle of a public beach with their daughter a few feet away, she could still get lost in the heat of the moment with him.
Instead of Hanna though, it was a sudden flurry of activity in another area that distracted them from each other. They pulled apart breathlessly and eyed Calleigh's eight-month pregnant belly with a mixture of delight and surprise.
"Well, it seems like someone wants to make their presence known." Tim said, touching her belly softly. "Hey Buddy, you nearly ready to come out?"
"I can't wait." Calleigh said softly.
"Neither can I." Tim replied, running his fingers through her blonde locks, kissing her again. Hanna chose that moment to come over and plant herself on Tim's lap, leaning over so her head was resting against Calleigh's stomach.
"I wanna go back to the hotel. I'm hungry." Calleigh ran her fingers through Hanna's curls, suddenly realizing how quickly the day had flown by.
"I guess we should head back and figure out what to do for dinner. Someone's looking tired." Tim nodded with a smile and together they began packing up their afternoon at the beach.
***
~ I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making... ~
Five hours later Calleigh was sitting on the balcony of their hotel room, gazing at the sunset on the horizon.
Only three more days were left of their vacation of a lifetime. The vacation of Calleigh's lifetime at least.
It had been amazing, a whirlwind and Calleigh had seen parts of the world she'd always dreamed of seeing. It had almost been enough to make her forget about what was waiting for her when they returned home.
Now that the vacation was winding down Calleigh could feel herself becoming farther removed from her family and spending more and more time lost in thought.
Most of those thoughts were for her children...Hanna, who was three years old and becoming more and more independent every day and the little one inside her, who she'd never met but already loved with such intensity that it frightened her.
Calleigh thought back to the day nearly three months ago when she had received the phone call from her doctor asking her to come in as soon as she could. And telling her it would be a good idea for her husband to come in too.
Headaches had been plaguing Calleigh along with never-ending nausea so her doctor had finally put her through a battery of tests to figure out what was wrong. She had been missing a lot of work and was having a hard time taking care of Hanna feeling the way she did.
She was sure it was something more than just pregnancy affecting her body.
After hearing his words on the phone fear had gripped her heart like a vise and Calleigh prayed for their baby, imagining all of the worst scenarios. Tim was her rock, even though she knew he was going through hell right along with her.
It soon became evident that her condition had nothing to do with her pregnancy but there was little reason for celebration. She had to undergo more tests, both of them praying the whole time that it wasn't what they feared.
Neither of them could have prepared for what the doctor told them. They'd found an inoperable brain tumor. There were treatments that could slow the growth, all of which would terminate her pregnancy but even with treatment, her condition was terminal.
Feeling her unborn child's active movements now, Calleigh had no regrets about her decision to put off any treatments that might keep her around a little bit longer. It would only delay the inevitable and there was no question that she would give her life for this child.
***
~ Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance ~
She had definitely started to come to terms with the fact that her life was ending, the hard part was the knowledge that Tim and the children would have to go on without her.
Someday there would be another woman, Tim insisted there wouldn't but Calleigh knew that he wouldn't want to be alone forever and that her memory would eventually fade in to the background...
"Don't even talk that way, Calleigh." He'd said, the denial written all over his face.
"I know it's hard to think about right now but I need to know that you're going to move on." She'd insisted softly, putting her arms around his waist. The tears were flowing down his cheeks as he listened to her.
"Don't put life on hold because I'm not with you. I need to know you're going to be okay."
She knew that her husband would love another woman and that her children would celebrate all of the important moments in their lives with someone else in her place.
This vacation had been a chance for Calleigh to create some memories that Hanna and Tim would hopefully hold onto long after she was gone, no matter who they shared their lives with.
They had had doubts as to whether or not Horatio would allow them both to take time off work without telling him the dire truth but he knew Calleigh well enough to know that something had gone horribly wrong.
And there was no mistaking the stricken look on Tim's face when he thought no one was watching.
They had told only a handful of people of Calleigh's condition, Delko being one of them. His tearful reaction had ripped Calleigh's heart out and she knew she couldn't handle going through it again and again.
She decided that they would keep it to themselves for as long as possible and Tim had agreed.
In the end, Horatio hadn't questioned their request for a sudden holiday and Calleigh was so glad now that they had done it.
"What a beautiful sight." Tim stood in the doorway and Calleigh turned her head to smile at him.
"It is gorgeous." Calleigh agreed. "I'm going to miss it."
"Me too." Tim said quietly and Calleigh knew he was talking about more than just the sunset.
She held out her hand to him and he took it, pulling her up and into his embrace. They stood that way for a long time, just holding each other. Calleigh closed her eyes, thinking how lucky she was to have found Tim.
Even if they could only be together for a short time, Calleigh knew she couldn't have found a better man to raise her children. Even without Calleigh, Tim would give them the life she'd never had growing up.
***
Before they went to bed, Calleigh went to check on Hanna, sleeping in the room adjoining theirs.
These days she couldn't get enough of the sight of her daughter, they were all bittersweet moments but Calleigh wouldn't give them up for anything.
"Goodnight, my angel." Calleigh whispered. Giving Hanna a gentle kiss on the forehead, Calleigh said a silent prayer for her.
All the hopes and dreams she had for her daughter, and there were so many, Calleigh prayed she would grow up into a good, strong person who wouldn't be afraid to take chances.
Calleigh was happy with her life now but there had been too many instances when she had let fear control her.
She shook her head, remembering all the time she had wasted worrying about the little things.
But now wasn't the time to have any regrets over her past mistakes. She had to live in the here and now because now was all she had.
~ Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone ~
~The End~