Disclaimer: JKR owns and created it all. She's a genius. Don't own, don't sue.
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There had always been something a bit sinister about Halloween.
At Hogwarts, Halloween had always been a happy time, a time of celebration and feasting. It was almost a mockery of muggle superstition. Perhaps it was. Lupin didn't know. But there always remained something sinister about the day, at least so Lupin thought. Perhaps it was because the other students would sometimes share stories with each other at Halloween, stories about things like vampires... and werewolves. It always struck a note of fear or panic in him whenever he heard a murmur about werewolves; not the same fear the other students had, but fear of being discovered for what he really was. Perhaps that was the sinister something he'd always associated with Halloween, or possibly it really did have the quality all on its own.
Either way, Lupin had tried to make the best of this Halloween. He had spent that afternoon at James and Lily's along with Peter and Sirius. They'd each stayed for dinner and then apparated back to their respective domains. Before they left they said goodbye, sharing the most heartfelt goodbyes with James, Lily, and Harry, as they had done since learning of Voldemort's plans concerning them. They were always aware that this meeting might be their last. Goodbyes always took a bit longer, included more words of the most sincere well-wishing and expressions of what they meant to each other, once this realization had been made.
This, coupled with Remus' usual uneasiness come Halloween, didn't make it very easy to have a good time. Still, Remus made a good effort to smile and enjoy himself with his friends, to swallow his anxiety and suspicions and to remember that Dumbledore was doing everything possible to keep his friends safe.
Still, Remus' nightmares never could have gone as far as the events of the next twenty-four hours did.
He had thought it was over when he heard the news that morning. James and Lily were dead, Sirius was their betrayer, the spy. He'd known it could happen, and he had suspected Sirius all this time, but to hear it... He had started to cry before the news had even finished being told. He was almost shocked; he had tried so hard to convince himself that it wasn't possible. But he had known it could happen, they all had. But to hear that Harry had somehow survived, and that Voldemort had been vanquished... that was beyond imagining, he could only feel bewilderment, mingled with a tiny bit of thankfulness... he'd still prefer it all to have never happened. What did all that matter if James and Lily were gone? But at least Harry had survived, he had to be thankful for that. And he still had Peter....
But then that afternoon happened. Peter went after Sirius, and Sirius killed him, him and a dozen muggles, all with a single spell. Hadn't he done enough damage? Remus' tears were filled with more anger than sorrow then.
For now Remus was alone. Really, truly, completely alone. All his dear friends, the friends he'd considered his family, were dead. Sirius was dead to Remus now, after what he'd done, that couldn't ever be forgiven. And even if it were forgiveable, Sirius was in Azkaban now, Remus couldn't be near him even if he'd wanted to be.
So Remus sat alone, knees curled to his chest, staring out the window but not seeing the freezing rain that was pouring down outside.
He'd thought he'd known Sirius... how was he supposed to trust anyone after what Sirius did? Dead... all of them dead except Harry... and Dumbledore was taking Harry God knows where. Harry was gone too.
Remus sobbed. The four people who meant the most to him, all gone within a twenty-four hour period. He was the most miserable he had ever been in his life.
Lupin bit his arm, hard enough to draw blood. He did it unconsciously, biting himself to help ease his pain, as he did when he was transformed. It helped, a little; some of his focus was transferred to the physical pain he'd inflicted upon himself. Physical pain was always easier to deal with than emotional pain. It didn't help enough though, because of LUpin's high tolerance for physical pain and the incredible amount of emotional pain he was feeling.
Lupin didn't see how he could ever be happy again. These people had been his family, they had accepted him for what he was and loved him for who he was. Where else could he be so accepted and loved than with them? Nowhere. How could he live in such profound, neverending misery?
Lupin bit his arm again, contemplating his misery. He closed his eyes, but it didn't make much difference as his eyes were already so clouded with tears. He lingered there for a moment, curled up, his face to his knees. Then he rose and stumbled away.
Within minutes Lupin was sitting on his bathroom floor, leaning against the wall, and more effectively inflicting upon himself physical pain. His tears mingled with his blood as he used the razor blade.
He'd never gone so far in trying to relieve his emotional pain; he'd never experienced such amounts of it. He tried to focus his attention on the physical pain, the pain that wouldn't crush his spirit. He felt the sting of the razor with each new violent cut, the resonating burn of all the previous ones, his warm blood flowing out of him, covering him.
He began to feel weaker. His breaths became more shaky, raspy, and strained. Lupin noticed dully that he was dying. He also noticed that he didn't care. He didn't want to live, not so alone in the world, not so miserable, untrusting, and unaccepted. Now all of that could end. Everything would go away, there would be nothing, he would cease to exist, or perhaps he would join James, Lily, and Peter wherever they were now. But in the meantime there was just the pain, the numb cold, and that voice.
Lupin vaguely felt his arms, still trying to cut himself, being lifted apart and the razor blade being taken from his hand. Lupin was too exhausted to be confused. He started to slump over but felt himself being held up by those same hands which had stopped the studding. His arms suddenly burned even more fiercely, and now he heard another voice, a woman's voice.
He couldn't tell what they were saying, everything was so foggy in his mind. He felt a cool potion trickle down his throat.
"Can you hear me?" a deep, concerned voice in front of Lupin asked.
Lupin made a tiny noise in his throat to show he had heard. It was all he could manage to do, though every moment he felt a little stronger and more alert. Every moment he was farther from death.
"Remus." Lupin started to recognize the voice.
"Dumbledore," he managed to breathe.
"I'm not going to let you kill yourself, Remus," Dumbledore's caring voice said.
Lupin groaned weakly.
Dumbledore had obviously stopped by to see how he was doing. Someone had thought of him in the middle of all this, realized he would be suffering. Suddenly he wasn't so horribly alone.
"I'll stay with you, Remus," Dumbledore said. "I know it's hard right now." Dumbledore paused. "I loved them, too," he said quietly.
Lupin opened his eyes and looked at Dumbledore tragically, his eyes filled with nothing but empty sadness. Dumbledore saw the immeasurable depth of his sorrow, and he was even more filled with empathy for what remus was feeling.
Lupin let out a sob. Dumbledore hugged him comfortingly, ignoring the blood he was covering himself in. Lupin leaned on his shoulder and sobbed. They stayed like that for a long while.
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A/N: As you may have guessed, the woman's voice, the sudden extra burning of his arms, and the cool potion were Madam Pomfrey and her healing. How she ended up there? Dumbledore has his ways. ;-)
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There had always been something a bit sinister about Halloween.
At Hogwarts, Halloween had always been a happy time, a time of celebration and feasting. It was almost a mockery of muggle superstition. Perhaps it was. Lupin didn't know. But there always remained something sinister about the day, at least so Lupin thought. Perhaps it was because the other students would sometimes share stories with each other at Halloween, stories about things like vampires... and werewolves. It always struck a note of fear or panic in him whenever he heard a murmur about werewolves; not the same fear the other students had, but fear of being discovered for what he really was. Perhaps that was the sinister something he'd always associated with Halloween, or possibly it really did have the quality all on its own.
Either way, Lupin had tried to make the best of this Halloween. He had spent that afternoon at James and Lily's along with Peter and Sirius. They'd each stayed for dinner and then apparated back to their respective domains. Before they left they said goodbye, sharing the most heartfelt goodbyes with James, Lily, and Harry, as they had done since learning of Voldemort's plans concerning them. They were always aware that this meeting might be their last. Goodbyes always took a bit longer, included more words of the most sincere well-wishing and expressions of what they meant to each other, once this realization had been made.
This, coupled with Remus' usual uneasiness come Halloween, didn't make it very easy to have a good time. Still, Remus made a good effort to smile and enjoy himself with his friends, to swallow his anxiety and suspicions and to remember that Dumbledore was doing everything possible to keep his friends safe.
Still, Remus' nightmares never could have gone as far as the events of the next twenty-four hours did.
He had thought it was over when he heard the news that morning. James and Lily were dead, Sirius was their betrayer, the spy. He'd known it could happen, and he had suspected Sirius all this time, but to hear it... He had started to cry before the news had even finished being told. He was almost shocked; he had tried so hard to convince himself that it wasn't possible. But he had known it could happen, they all had. But to hear that Harry had somehow survived, and that Voldemort had been vanquished... that was beyond imagining, he could only feel bewilderment, mingled with a tiny bit of thankfulness... he'd still prefer it all to have never happened. What did all that matter if James and Lily were gone? But at least Harry had survived, he had to be thankful for that. And he still had Peter....
But then that afternoon happened. Peter went after Sirius, and Sirius killed him, him and a dozen muggles, all with a single spell. Hadn't he done enough damage? Remus' tears were filled with more anger than sorrow then.
For now Remus was alone. Really, truly, completely alone. All his dear friends, the friends he'd considered his family, were dead. Sirius was dead to Remus now, after what he'd done, that couldn't ever be forgiven. And even if it were forgiveable, Sirius was in Azkaban now, Remus couldn't be near him even if he'd wanted to be.
So Remus sat alone, knees curled to his chest, staring out the window but not seeing the freezing rain that was pouring down outside.
He'd thought he'd known Sirius... how was he supposed to trust anyone after what Sirius did? Dead... all of them dead except Harry... and Dumbledore was taking Harry God knows where. Harry was gone too.
Remus sobbed. The four people who meant the most to him, all gone within a twenty-four hour period. He was the most miserable he had ever been in his life.
Lupin bit his arm, hard enough to draw blood. He did it unconsciously, biting himself to help ease his pain, as he did when he was transformed. It helped, a little; some of his focus was transferred to the physical pain he'd inflicted upon himself. Physical pain was always easier to deal with than emotional pain. It didn't help enough though, because of LUpin's high tolerance for physical pain and the incredible amount of emotional pain he was feeling.
Lupin didn't see how he could ever be happy again. These people had been his family, they had accepted him for what he was and loved him for who he was. Where else could he be so accepted and loved than with them? Nowhere. How could he live in such profound, neverending misery?
Lupin bit his arm again, contemplating his misery. He closed his eyes, but it didn't make much difference as his eyes were already so clouded with tears. He lingered there for a moment, curled up, his face to his knees. Then he rose and stumbled away.
Within minutes Lupin was sitting on his bathroom floor, leaning against the wall, and more effectively inflicting upon himself physical pain. His tears mingled with his blood as he used the razor blade.
He'd never gone so far in trying to relieve his emotional pain; he'd never experienced such amounts of it. He tried to focus his attention on the physical pain, the pain that wouldn't crush his spirit. He felt the sting of the razor with each new violent cut, the resonating burn of all the previous ones, his warm blood flowing out of him, covering him.
He began to feel weaker. His breaths became more shaky, raspy, and strained. Lupin noticed dully that he was dying. He also noticed that he didn't care. He didn't want to live, not so alone in the world, not so miserable, untrusting, and unaccepted. Now all of that could end. Everything would go away, there would be nothing, he would cease to exist, or perhaps he would join James, Lily, and Peter wherever they were now. But in the meantime there was just the pain, the numb cold, and that voice.
Lupin vaguely felt his arms, still trying to cut himself, being lifted apart and the razor blade being taken from his hand. Lupin was too exhausted to be confused. He started to slump over but felt himself being held up by those same hands which had stopped the studding. His arms suddenly burned even more fiercely, and now he heard another voice, a woman's voice.
He couldn't tell what they were saying, everything was so foggy in his mind. He felt a cool potion trickle down his throat.
"Can you hear me?" a deep, concerned voice in front of Lupin asked.
Lupin made a tiny noise in his throat to show he had heard. It was all he could manage to do, though every moment he felt a little stronger and more alert. Every moment he was farther from death.
"Remus." Lupin started to recognize the voice.
"Dumbledore," he managed to breathe.
"I'm not going to let you kill yourself, Remus," Dumbledore's caring voice said.
Lupin groaned weakly.
Dumbledore had obviously stopped by to see how he was doing. Someone had thought of him in the middle of all this, realized he would be suffering. Suddenly he wasn't so horribly alone.
"I'll stay with you, Remus," Dumbledore said. "I know it's hard right now." Dumbledore paused. "I loved them, too," he said quietly.
Lupin opened his eyes and looked at Dumbledore tragically, his eyes filled with nothing but empty sadness. Dumbledore saw the immeasurable depth of his sorrow, and he was even more filled with empathy for what remus was feeling.
Lupin let out a sob. Dumbledore hugged him comfortingly, ignoring the blood he was covering himself in. Lupin leaned on his shoulder and sobbed. They stayed like that for a long while.
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A/N: As you may have guessed, the woman's voice, the sudden extra burning of his arms, and the cool potion were Madam Pomfrey and her healing. How she ended up there? Dumbledore has his ways. ;-)