Mother and Son
[Sumeragi] Sui
...
Warnings: Incest. ^-^ S/S, but this time it stands for Setsuka/Seishirou. It's hinted at, I think. Nothing big… yet, I guess ^-^; Mostly the incest is just in Setsuka's thoughts. *nod* Oh, and… Perhaps a bit of boylove too… perhaps. ^^;
Disclaimers: The Sakurazukas, Tokyo Babylon, and X don't belong to me, but to CLAMP. ^-^ And the song "Far Away" is copyright Hamasaki Ayumi. ^-^ All other stuff [ending poem] is by me ^^;
Other Notes: ^-^; Just was cruising around a TB site and got inspiration. I needed to write something incestuous anyway *sweatdrop* Again, it's like a compilation of thoughts [again; like ALAH]… at first. ^^; *sweatdrop* but then it turns into this whole mixture of fanfic, songfic, thoughts, POV fic, whatever. ^-^; But enjoy, though!
And More Misc. Notes [P.(re)S.]: I'm not really sure about the true premise of Setsuka and Seishirou's relationship, so forgive me if I sort of weave white lies because there's not much info in the books anyway about their relationship x_x;
Farewell…
Mother.
* * *
Sakurazuka Seishirou…
My dear son, who was torn away from me once he had been born… Kami-sama… why have you taken him away from me? I am but the Sakurazukamori… is being that, an assassin, a bad onmyouji… is that enough to give me such punishment? To make me… love?
I don't remember what had happened. I don't even remember if I cried when my only child was taken from me. But… since then, I had felt. Felt feelings. As the Sakurazukamori… am I supposed to feel this? I was—am—supposed to be devoid of these. These… emotions. These things other human beings have, that I'm not supposed to have, that…
Perhaps I shall. Perhaps it is possible. Perhaps it is not a sin, to do this, to love.
But… can I truly be satisfied with this, just motherly love? Can I? Will that be possible, too, just like it will—is—possible for me to love? But… is it wrong? Is it wrong, to love your child so strongly it doesn't seem just motherly anymore? Is it so wrong?
I do not know yet…
All my life… all my life, I believed, as others before me… that I indeed would be devoid of emotions, completely devoid… but perhaps him, my child, can prove me wrong… and those before me also…
- - - - -
Atarashiku watashi rashiku anata rashiku… [Newly, like myself, like yourself…]
* * *
He… he is nine years old now. Nine years old… my precious child. Dearest. My Seishirou.
They said I can see him again. They told me I could… I had been so happy to hear that news, I was crying, crying… tears of joy. For I had not been able to love, never, until the moment I had gave birth to my child… never ever…
My love was so strong, it had kept me alive until I could see him again…
I wondered. Wondered if he would love me back, if not in a childish, obedient way, but one of something more. I wondered.
I wondered if he was well. How he had grown, what he looked like, if he had any friends. Perhaps… Perhaps this boy would succeed me as the Sakurazukamori. Perhaps. Perhaps I should ask him to kill me; for the most beautiful thing in this vast, cold world is nothing but being able to be killed at the hands of the one you love the most.
For love itself is not beautiful, it is but a mutilated thing… but alas… being killed by Seishirou… the one I love the most, the one that taught me to love… shall be my Wish.
- - - - -
Atarashiku watashi rashiku anata rashiku [Newly, like myself, like yourself]
Umare kawaru... [We'll be reborn…]
Shiawase wa kuchi ni sureba hora yubi no sukima [Happiness has no shape, the minute you speak of it]
Kobore ochite yuku katachi nai mono [It falls through the cracks of our fingers]
* * *
Naivete.
Pure, sweet naivete.
I realize I could not have expected a child to understand such strong feelings as my love for him. For I questioned him shortly after I saw him again; "Why do you love me?" The sweet, innocent child responded thus…
"Because… You are beautiful."
While this was touching and almost gentle at the time, it seemed to me that his love for me was only superficial.
For when we had finally reunited, he barely held the belief I was his mother. Perhaps, to him, I was but a stranger, an odd woman that he had just met. This realization was fiercely painful… but he'd smiled, smiled and said rather contently, "You're too young to be my mother." I returned this proclamation with a gentle smile, but inside there was hurt, pain. He could not even recognize his own mother…
I later requested for him to kiss me. He did so willingly, almost obediently, like a servant to his master. Uncannily obedient. It seemed as if he harbored no true feelings toward me but those of a dutiful son, wishing to fulfill the small demands of his mother.
A child. He is but a child, still. Only a child. But perhaps time shall pass, and the true answer to my question… will be answered, not by a child, but by him, the man whose hands I shall die at.
- - - - -
Mou sugu de natsu ga kuru yo [Soon summer will be here]
Anata nashi no... [Without you…]
* * *
Do the gods taunt me again? For the only reason, as he has repeated so many times, that Seishirou loves me… is for my supposed "beauty"…
Each day I wait, and each day I ask, desiring a different result, a different answer every day. And each day it seems more and more hopeless, more and more pointless… Seishirou… my child… he refuses to see me as anything more than a guardian… a motherly figure towards him…but I am… but can I be satisfied this way?
Still a child… every day seems to be less and less meaningful… every kill for my beloved sakura tree… seems irrelevant, senseless, hollow. Meaningless… if it is without love from Seishirou…
Perhaps someone, some day… the one he loves… shall also face this treatment… The pain of waiting, the pain of anticipation, for a single answer which is unpredictable… the pain of it all…
But perhaps that person shall find his answer eventually… their Wish fulfilled, their life happy, content, complete…
As for me…
The answer has not yet been determined… but this feeling, this odd feeling I have… My heart… I think… knows the true answer…
"Because… You are beautiful."
- - - - -
Atarashiku watashi rashiku anata rashiku
Umare kawaru…
Shiawase wa kuchi ni sureba hora yubi no sukima
Kobore ochite yuku katachi nai mono
* * *
Happiness. Fulfillment. And then, nothingness.
[A/N: This is just what happened in the character file in X/16, just written out in "novel" form and reworded slightly differently. ^-^]
Sakurazuka Setsuka lay over the body of her victim, barely smiling as she stared at her bloodstained hands. She continued to scrutinize them with a blank expression on her face until she heard someone enter her home. Almost robotically, she gave one last corrupt look at the body of the corpse, smiling slightly, and stood up. The blood on her hands stayed, the body dissolving into sakura petals as she saw her son.
"Seishirou," she greeted softly, her expression not showing the thrilled feeling she had inside at the sight of her beloved son.
Seishirou stayed expressionless. "Welcome home, mother."
Affectionately hugging her son, Setsuka whispered, "Seishirou, I am back." Her son appeared delicate and soft as she kissed his cheek tenderly.
"You went to work…"
"Yes…" Setsuka replied gently. She concealed a slight smile.
Seishirou glanced at the trail of blood on the ground. "The blood…?"
Another smile. "The blood of the one I murdered, yes…"
Glancing at the blood again, he asked, "Are you hurt?" Setsuka gave another smile.
"You think I would get hurt…?" Setsuka answered in a soft, wispy voice.
Seishirou paused for a moment. Eventually, he managed to reply, "You're the only Sakurazukamori… in terms of spells, you cannot be beaten… however… If you stay in such a place as this, you will get sick."
Dreamily, Setsuka barely enjoyed the slight worry her son harbored for her. It wasn't enough, never enough. Her whimsical expression stayed. There was another small pause. "Even if I get sick… that's… not important." She ignored Seishirou's reply, which was scarcely audible to Setsuka, whose mind was elsewhere. She gently picked up a sakura flower and examined it with moderate interest. "So… The person I killed today… was my last victim." She smiled. "At the same time… it is your first day killing someone… This day, the day that you shall kill me to become the Sakurazukamori."
As she smiled, she said softly, "I am so happy… to be killed by you."
Seishirou's expression was one of moderate surprise and mild amusement. "Really…?"
"…Yes." She paused, looking content. "There is nothing that comes with more happiness… than being able to be killed… by the one you love..." Setsuka glanced at Seishirou fondly.
"…Do you love me?"
A stupid question. …Of course…
"I love you… the most." She looked at him with an almost agonizing longing.
"I love you too… mother…"
"However…" Setsuka looked pained. "The one you love most… is not me." Another pregnant pause followed these words, words that seemed forced, nearly hurtful. "Kill me… Seishirou!"
Seishirou smiled. "As you wish…" He raised his arm and stabbed his hand through his mother's chest…
Setsuka, through breaths, managed to force herself to speak. "Now you… are the Sakurazukamori. The next Sakurazukamori… will be the one who… kills… you…"
Smiling again, Seishirou looked thoughtful. "So, I shall be killed as well…?" He looked slightly amused.
"Yes… by the one… you love the most…" Setsuka seemed to appear pained again as she said these words.
Seishirou kissed his mother's hand and murmured, "I am not capable to love others… Mother, you… who gave birth to me… should know that better than anyone else. The past Sakurazukamori…"
Setsuka's small lips curled into another smile, one that she refused to conceal. "Yes… Before, I had thought so too…" Her eyes closed gently, her expression staying. "Until… I met you…"
Seishirou appeared mildly amused once more as Setsuka said her last words. He kissed her gently on the lips and whispered, "Sayonara… okasan."
- - - - -
Mou sugu de natsu ga kuru yo
Anata nashi no...
* * *
…this sadness… cannot be expressed… by tears…
~
if i died for you
will you live for me?
will you survive for me?
will you stay alive for me?
will you keep on living for me?
if i stayed alive for you
will you come back?
or will you stay the way you are
for eternity
if i died for you
will you keep on hurting
in this miserable life
for me?
A/N: *sweatdrop* How was it? I was going to write another part for Seishirou's POV, but now that I'm done with Setsuka's, I don't think it's necessary, hm? It really depends on what you guys think ^-^; So, please R & R! ^^; ~Sui-chan.