. . . + S O N + . . .
Warnings: Suggested/mild incest. Spoilers to X/16 and a little shounen-ai.
Disclaimer: Tokyo Babylon, X, and characters are all copyright CLAMP ^_^
Notes: Yes, the continuation of "Mother and Son" has been written. =) Originally, after I'd written "Mother", I'd decided against writing the second part and making it a one-shot, but as I thought about it, I think it'd be sort of incomplete without Seishirou's point of view. Haha, young Sei-chan sounds so naïve! ^_^;; So… please enjoy :D It has bits of the infamous Rainbow Bridge scene at the end. ^-^
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Goodbye…
Seishirou.
* * *
The people who've been helping me with my training to be the Sakurazukamori when I'm older… they said that I can see my mother sometime soon. I haven't seen her since I was born, and it's been nine years since then… but sometimes, sometimes at night… I get lonely… I think. Or it might be just a trick. I'm not supposed to have emotions… I think.
The people told me that the Sakurazukamori should be devoid of feelings, empty of that one thing in their life that all other humans have. I didn't really understand it then, but sometimes when I smile I feel like I'm not truly happy. And sometimes when I cry I feel like I'm not truly sad, either. Maybe that's what they meant.
I never really missed my mother because she was never there in the first place. I don't think I should resent her for that, it's not her fault, is it? They told me that they took me away right after I was born.
They also told me about how, when I'm older, I'm going to become the "guardian of the sakura burial mound", whatever that is. I think it's the huge sakura tree in Ueno park, but maybe it's every sakura tree there ever is. I'll have to kill people for my tree. I don't really know what they mean at this point, but maybe when I'm older and big and strong I can help the tree. They say the tree is always hungry. Perhaps I'm supposed to feed it…?
The people who took care of me say they like me a lot and don't want to have to give me up to my mother, but it's only fair since she had to give me up to them. I don't really know what "liking" people means, and I don't think I'm even supposed to understand… I think "liking" counts as an emotion, and I'm not supposed to have those.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder if I really am as "normal" as I think…
* * *
My mother is so beautiful, and she looks so young! I couldn't believe she was my mother when I first saw her, she's so small and pretty…
When I first looked at her, she smiled and hugged me and muttered in relief, "Seishirou… I finally see you again…" I felt something wet on my cheek, and I realized she was crying. But isn't it bad for her to cry? She's the current Sakurazukamori, isn't she? She shouldn't cry… for her own sake… for her own nonexistent emotions.
"You're too young to be my mother!" I chirped cheerfully, and she looked a bit saddened by that. I don't know why, the people taught me that women love to be told that they're young! Maybe my mother is a little different… after all, she is the Sakurazukamori!
A few days ago while embracing me gently, she asked me softly… "Why do you love me, Seishirou-chan?" I smiled widely and looked up at her happily and told her it was because she was so beautiful! I giggled when she tickled me in return, but she still looked sad, and I didn't want her to cry again. She asked me to kiss her, so I giggled again and did, so she would know I was an obedient son and that she shouldn't cry because I was a good child! But she looked even more sorrowful, and I pouted and hugged her so she could be a good Sakurazukamori and not have feelings like sadness, and I said so. She smiled at me and told me not to worry and that everything was fine, so I believed her. Then I had to go to my training again, so I left her there and waved as I left.
I didn't notice that she'd started crying again at my departure…
* * *
When I was a child, merely at the age of nine or so, I first cast eyes upon my mother and only noticed her beauty and youthful appearance. As I grew older, her beauty was one of the only reasons why I loved her, and I told her so, unaware that she'd been paining inside.
She didn't realize that I'd eventually recognized the rather obvious fact she thought of me as more than a son. Days passed and I feigned ignorance, because I knew that was for her own wishes. She'd smile sadly at me, and no longer would I try to cheer her up so that my "mommy would be a good Sakurazukamori". I understood the fact that she loved me more than anything in the world, and that she'd broken the rule of not feeling emotions.
And I also admitted it to myself, unashamed that my mother had thought of me as not just a son but in an almost disturbingly incestuous way. But I would refuse myself the bitter, cold satisfaction of breaking it to her that I didn't truly love her at all, I didn't love her, but rather I slightly admired her for her radiance and beauty, but nothing more. Somehow, I still had the heart to conceal those thoughts away from her, for she was still my mother, and the only person I thought of an actual human being, rather than an object.
But soon will come the time when she will request for me to kill her so I could triumphantly become her successor. And I shall do so gladly, for I feel next to nothing for the woman, except for false adoration and obedient "love".
She knows. She knows I do not really "love" her, she knows how hard I try to pretend, how much I try to please her just to act out the usual role of successfully disciplined son. She knows she can never be anything more than a parent to me, yet she still tries, yet she still continues feeling the way she does.
Sometimes this glaring consistency sickens me. And the fact that I cannot feel the same way toward her, or anything or anyone else in this world, gives me the satisfaction and contentment nothing else can. That single fact is the only thing I love, and it is a fact about myself.
The fact that I can promise myself not to do something as useless as "loving" someone… and especially not my mother, in any other sense but sonly.
* * *
The time had come, and mother had finally allowed me the sick pleasure of murdering her, my only parent, my only relative. She'd just killed her last victim, and the corpse lay ominously on the ground for nobody's sake.
"I'm so happy to be killed by you," she murmured faintly, smiling.
I fabricated slight astonishment at her statement and didn't bother to hide my amusement. She thought, she'd tricked herself, into believing that I was completely oblivious to her feelings for me. I laughed to myself. "Really…?" I replied in fake surprise.
"Yes," she whispered. "There is nothing that comes with more happiness… than being able to be killed by the one you love…" She seemed content.
The one you love the most, you mean, I thought, allowing myself a tiny smirk. "Do you love me?" I asked, already knowing the blatant answer in the depths of my cold heart.
"I love you… the most," she said finally, looking at me with a pained expression on her face. Her long, silky black hair fell into her eyes. Of course you do… dearest mother…
With that longing and sad expression on her immaculate face, I would have embraced her and told her everything was fine… if I was that hopelessly unaware nine-year-old again. But I wasn't, so I laughed silently to myself and answered obediently in a small, curt voice, "I love you too, mother."
She looked pained and said that I did not love her the most. Of course… I don't love anybody the most. Suddenly, after an expectant pause, she demanded for me to kill her. Smiling, I agreed and promptly stabbed her in the chest, seeming perfectly content.
Mother forced herself to choke out more words. "Now you… are the Sakurazukamori. And the next one shall be the one who kills you…" she said, almost in an amused voice, or so I gathered it to be.
I was amused too. "So I shall be killed as well?" I asked, smiling doubtfully. I kissed her hand as she said, "Yes… by the one you love… the most…" I smirked at her… a naïve woman. I pretended to be politely unknowing again, saying how as the past Sakurazukamori she should have realized that she—and I—didn't, shouldn't have the power to feel emotions. Secretly, I thought, But you seem to be an exception, eh, mother…?
Finally, in her last moments, she breathed lightly and gave an obvious smile. Her eyes closed as she whispered, "Before, I had thought so too… before I met… you…"
As she slowly withered away, she muttered, "Sayonara… Seishirou…"
Slightly entertained once more by my own mother's last words, I reached down and kissed her softly on her lips, fulfilling her last wishes… to be shown some sort of true affection from me, the sort of affection I didn't have to fake. And I did give her what she wanted… for I'd wanted to kiss her, even as I first lay my small gold eyes on her when I was just an impressionable child…
…because… she was beautiful….
* * *
"My mother… once told me that… the most beautiful thing in the world… is to be killed by the one you love… the most…" I said after explaining Hokuto's spell, looking up at my killer. Sumeragi Subaru's eyes were immersed in gentle, glistening tears, and these teardrops gently fell onto my face. I smiled to myself as I tasted the salt from Subaru's tears. Subaru sobbed as I began to die, as my mother had, as his sister had. I could almost feel, sense, know Subaru's thoughts. "But do you love me the most? Do you love me at all?" Poor, naïve Subaru… maybe you'll never know…
"After you killed my sister… I tried to erase you from my life… I…" Subaru cried, wailing over my slowly departing body. He continued, saying about how he wanted to forget about me, but he couldn't… that he was still in love with me…
I finally realized something, that feeling I'd never had before. My mother was right… I'd doubted her all those years since her death… for I had learned to love somebody… love somebody the most… So I smiled, lifting my head weakly and hating, despising myself for not understanding earlier… "You truly are… a kind person," I said softly. Subaru looked surprised. I continued, forcing myself to elevate my head to Subaru's ear. Slowly, I whispered, "And I…"
Subaru's eyes widened in astonishment and almost alarm as he heard the words that followed. "…you…" I finished, smiling and finally dying… away, away from this world… and I heard Subaru whisper in a forced, pained voice as I was leaving… "Y-you never say the things I expect you to say, do you?" he choked, hugging my body…
…Mother… you were… right…
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M O T H E R _ A N D _ S O N + E N D