Authors Note- A few things I forgot from the prologue. I forgot to thank Sylvia! You rock, thank you for reading over my fic!!! You have to help me out, cause I have no idea where I am going with this. Thanks to everyone that reviewed. I will probably be posting a chapter every two days, because I have another fic on the go too. 'Bittersweet Regrets.' I will do my best to update this regularly though. Please read and review.
Disclaimer- I do not own any of the characters. I do not own any poem, song, quote, anything that you see and you think you know from somewhere else, you probably do. It is not mine.
*Chapter One*
I walk into a buzzing ER, feeling completely ill. I don't know if its because I haven't slept our eaten in over twenty four hours. Or if it is because I am coming down with something. Either way, I feel like shit and I don't want to be here. I immediately head for the lounge, avoiding watchful eyes. I drop my things off in my locker quickly, not wanting to stay in a confined space for long, out of fear for who I may find. I rush out into the hall, pinning my hair up. Only twelve hours until I get to go home. That's not long. Oh god, I'll never make it. I head over to admit, looking at the board, Carter's not on for another hour or so. This means I have an hour to make a plan, a plan of how to avoid him. "Hey." I look over my shoulder at an approaching Susan. I smile grimly at her, I don't feel very happy today.
"You look tired." She observes. Wow she's good. I smile again at her, not really feeling like elaborating. "That bad huh?" She smiles sadly.
"You have no idea." I sigh, I don't even know how all this happened. How my life came crashing around me. I push the loose strands of hair out of my face. Again attempting to smile at her. Hoping she'll buy that I am okay enough so she won't make me talk.
"Want to talk?" She asks, just as a gurney with a wailing patient comes crashing through the doors. "Sorry." I shrug, chasing after Luka and the gurney. Saved by the victim. I burst into Trauma One. "Abby." Luka smiles. I smile back, watching as he works on the patient. "We don't need you." He says matter of fact. "We've got it covered." I nod leaving the room. I am desperate for something to do, it seems as though this place is packed and I am useless. I can't offer my services up in any way. I walked over to admit, flipping aimlessly through charts. "Hey Abby." Susan approaches me yet again.
"Hey." I smile.
"Um- Can you grab me a cup of coffee, I am dying over here." She says grabbing the chart out of my hand. So what, now I am the coffee bitch. Well right now I have nothing else to do. I feel so lost in this place, this world, this life. I can't do anything anymore. The one person who I thought loved me for me turned out to be the biggest hoax of my life. I never should have trusted him, now I am left picking up the pieces, while he is thanking god he got out of it alive. I enter the lounge, sighing exasperated. I look over at the lockers, there stands the man I have been trying so hard to avoid. Our eyes lock, and I immediately turn and walk out the way I came. So what, I'm a coward. I can deal with him, later. I just, I can't today. Not after last night. I barley got a good look at him. He is probably fine. He is untouchable. He won't be hurt by this useless piece of crap, to him I am scum. Not worth his time, money, just not worthy of him. I walk over to Susan, ducking into the curtained area. "Hey... Did you get my-" I bring my finger to my lips, signalling her to be quiet. She peeks around the corner seeing Carter at the admit desk. Her head immediately flashes over to me. She grabs my arm and proceeds to pull me out of the area, and into an empty exam room.
"What's going on?" She whispers, I look at her and shrug. I must look devastated or slightly hurt. I am not sure, but her face softens and she places her hand on my shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "I'll cover for you." I sigh, wiping my face with my hand.
'Thank You.' I mouth. She nods at me.
I head out of the exam room, heading for the drug lock up. I just need something to do, anything. I start to stock the drugs. Placing each one in its place. I scan the hospital, glancing at the clock. I can't help but recall the fight that got us into this whole mess. It is the most painful memory. I thought we were meant to be, as silly as that sounds now, I really thought we were going to make it. I should have known better, things have been rocky over the last couple of weeks. Ever since his grandmother funeral, ever since he did not propose. Who knew silence could be so painful, so loud. When he did not propose it spoke volumes to me, I just didn't want to realise that this was going no where. The relationship was only hurting us, it shouldn't be like that. The one you love should not cause you that much pain. But he did, especially the way he left.
~*~
"Hey." I turn around, opening my apartment door. He smiles at me. Where have I seen this before? He climbs the stairs. facing me. "Hey." I walk into my apartment building he follows me, on my heels every step of the way. "We need to talk." He grabs my elbow, stopping me from walking up the stairs. "Look Carter-" I try to start, but he puts his fingers up to stop me. "We need to sit down and talk." I wriggle free of his grasp. After thirty-six hours of work, the last thing I want to do is sit down and have a heart to heart. He chases after me, as I push into my hallway, finding my apartment and jamming the keys in the door. He runs in after me. I don't know why he wants to talk now, after over a week of avoiding me. Has he finally come to the realization that I am a waste of his time. A waste of a person, a waster of air. "This is what you love to do isn't it?" he says exhausted.
I spin around to face him. "John, I'm tired. Can we do this later?" He laughs at me, running his fingers through his short brown hair. Does he not understand that I just can not do this tonight.
"Its always pushing things away, people." He shakes his head. "Jesus Abby." He holds my gaze, watching as I close my eyes tiredly. I am not trying to push him away, he is doing that all on his own. "Its been a week and half." I open my eyes to look at him, he continues. "A week and a half since we spent time together. I can't keep going on like this." I stare at him, he looks worn out, angry, hurt. His eye lids are falling, as he fights to stay strong. "Then end it." I say in a barley audible whisper.
"That's what you want." I walk away from him, heading into my bedroom. "You think so low of yourself." He says exasperatedly.
"And you're always there to bring me back up." I say sarcastically.
"Where to you get this?" he screams, I jump a little at the sound of his shrill angry voice.
"Get what?" I ask naively.
"This poor me, 'I have such a fucking horrible life!' Attitude." I turn and face him. Rage written across his face, a crinkled brow. I meet his gaze with a sharp glare. "You think I am disappointed in you." He says quietly. "I have no fucking idea why." How the hell could he not know? He was the one who didn't propose. Who would confess his undying love for me day and night, yet when it came to judgement day he choked. He just couldn't do it. he couldn't picture spending his life with an old hag like me. He wanted me to change, be a perfect little house wife who could bare all his children. Guess what baby, it ain't happening. "You don't love me for me." I leave him alone to ponder this, as I make my way to the washroom. "Fuck. See that's it. You just pull these things out of the air. They have no basis of reality. Do you not understand that I love you, for you?"
"Is that so?" I yell snapping around. "Then why the hell did you push me away. Why did you avoid me for a week and a half? You don't love me John. That's the problem." My voice softens. "You are just realising this now." He looks at me hurt and dejected.
"No, you don't love yourself."
"That's bullshit." I spit. "This has to do with your feelings for me. You are denying what you really feel. You always try and turn this onto me."
"This is just another way for you to push me away." He says shaking his head. "You just can't let yourself be loved. Its fucking impossible, isn't it? You have to be poor lonely Abby." I walk past him into the kitchen, trying to ignore him. "Your doing it again. You just refuse to face the fucking music." He screams.
"Just fuck off." I holler back. I am feeling completely exhausted, and I do not feel like fighting with my sort of boyfriend right now.
"Shit Abby." He sits down on the couch.
"What now you want to make up? Pretend like nothing happened?" I say walking over to him.
"Mmm, I wish it was that easy. But nothing is every that easy with you." I look at him quizzically.
"That is something I have been trying to get through to you for the longest time." I sigh. "You are too good for-"
"Would you stop? Stop with this tired tirade about how sad and pathetic your life is." He stands up looking me in the eye. "I can't do this, not now."
"Well, you are the one who wanted to." I fire back. "You are the one who couldn't wait to hash out every problem with have had. Everyone of my endless problems." I push my hair back. "Are you happy now? I am completely exhausted, pissed and hungry."
"Yeah, that's exactly what I was going for Abby, trying to make your day worse." He pushes by me.
"I'm sorry I am such a burden on you." He says hurt. He looks at me once more, watching as I nervously tuck strands of hair behind my ear. I think am the one who is the burden. "You know your hopeless." I turn to look at him, biting down on my bottom lip. Trying to prevent the tears from falling down my cheeks. "Beautiful, funny, sarcastic. Amazing. You're the most amazing person I know. But above all you're hopeless. You are the one standing in your own way." He says this calmly, sweetly, but with a look of pain stricken anger on his face. Like his words are a tool he is using against me. "We could have been something great. Something that lasts forever. we could have stuck. But you don't want to." He finishes. He watches me as a simple tear rests at the corner of my eye. "Neither do you." He scoffs at this. "You don't John. I am hopeless you are right. I am too much too handle. But on top of all this, you have problems of your own. Problems you refuse to face, because you spend every minute of your life focusing in on mine. Shining the light in on every petty problem I may have." He watches me, I know he expected me to collapse, break down under his words. So he could collect me up, put the pieces back together. He wants to feel useful. "I can't do it Abby." He takes his keys out, looking at them. Then up at me. I make no effort to stop him. To make him stay. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I knew it was going to happen." I look down at my feet, pushing loose strands of hair out of my face. "Good luck." He tosses the keys onto the table, opening the door. He stands in the door way a second then looks back at me. "I love you, you know that? Maybe we could have been something if you just let yourself love me. Maybe you just couldn't love me. I don't know. I'm sick of trying to figure things out. I just wanted you to know that." He shuts the door. I stand in the same spot for a moment, watching the door, thinking maybe he will come back.
I slowly make my way to my bedroom, looking at a few articles of clothing left on the floor. He rarely spent the night here. Last night he did though, not that I was here. I was working. He needed to crash here, and this is all that is left. I walk out of the room, slamming the door, not satisfied with the sound it makes, I try again. The door crashing against the frame, I can hear it splinter. "I love you too." I murmur. I don't know why. He doesn't understand me, he doesn't truly love me, but I can't help but love him. Its the worse feeling in the world, to be deceived.
~*~
I continue to stock the drugs, "I need a nurse." I turn and see Carter looking at me. "I just- Everyone else is busy." He tries not to make eye contact with me. I hesitate, but he doesn't leave. "Abby-" He says in a warning voice, his eyes downcast on the floor. I shuffle out of the tiny space, shit I knew I shouldn't have been in tiny spaces for long. I follow him to the exam room, a man laying on the bed. He looks dazed, great. At the least we could have had a patient that talked a lot to try and east the tension in here. No such luck. Carter examines him, as I stand on the oppisite side of the bed fidgeting nervously. "Uh- can I come by and-" He clears his throat. His eyes meet mine reluctantly. "I just need my stuff." He says firmly.
"Yeah sure. I get off at seven."
"Okay." He watches as I jot a few things down on the chart, I can still feel his eyes on me. "What?" I ask a little bit annoyed. I don't want to talk to him today.
"I'm sorry. I should have been nicer-"
"Carter. Its fine okay, just piss the hell off." I say tossing the chart across the bed at him. He catches it. I walk through the exam room door, I can't do this. I can't pretend like everything is okay with him. It isn't. I can't have him over at my house. "Abby-" He calls running up behind me. "Look, just leave me alone. Okay? I will bring your stuff to work tomorrow." He stares at me, breathing heavily. His eyes look around. I know they are all watching us. I don't give a damn. I just, I can't believe I lost him. He wanted me to be someone I wasn't. He didn't truly love me, but for some reason I can't get enough of him. He is my drug. I need him to survive. Looking into his big brown eyes is driving me crazy.
I hold gazes with him for a second longer. "I'm sorry." I whisper, he doesn't love me and I can't handle it. I would never let him know that, I have to be strong, I have to prove to him, to everyone that I can make it on my own. I can survive. Even if I end up alone. I can make it by.
Disclaimer- I do not own any of the characters. I do not own any poem, song, quote, anything that you see and you think you know from somewhere else, you probably do. It is not mine.
*Chapter One*
I walk into a buzzing ER, feeling completely ill. I don't know if its because I haven't slept our eaten in over twenty four hours. Or if it is because I am coming down with something. Either way, I feel like shit and I don't want to be here. I immediately head for the lounge, avoiding watchful eyes. I drop my things off in my locker quickly, not wanting to stay in a confined space for long, out of fear for who I may find. I rush out into the hall, pinning my hair up. Only twelve hours until I get to go home. That's not long. Oh god, I'll never make it. I head over to admit, looking at the board, Carter's not on for another hour or so. This means I have an hour to make a plan, a plan of how to avoid him. "Hey." I look over my shoulder at an approaching Susan. I smile grimly at her, I don't feel very happy today.
"You look tired." She observes. Wow she's good. I smile again at her, not really feeling like elaborating. "That bad huh?" She smiles sadly.
"You have no idea." I sigh, I don't even know how all this happened. How my life came crashing around me. I push the loose strands of hair out of my face. Again attempting to smile at her. Hoping she'll buy that I am okay enough so she won't make me talk.
"Want to talk?" She asks, just as a gurney with a wailing patient comes crashing through the doors. "Sorry." I shrug, chasing after Luka and the gurney. Saved by the victim. I burst into Trauma One. "Abby." Luka smiles. I smile back, watching as he works on the patient. "We don't need you." He says matter of fact. "We've got it covered." I nod leaving the room. I am desperate for something to do, it seems as though this place is packed and I am useless. I can't offer my services up in any way. I walked over to admit, flipping aimlessly through charts. "Hey Abby." Susan approaches me yet again.
"Hey." I smile.
"Um- Can you grab me a cup of coffee, I am dying over here." She says grabbing the chart out of my hand. So what, now I am the coffee bitch. Well right now I have nothing else to do. I feel so lost in this place, this world, this life. I can't do anything anymore. The one person who I thought loved me for me turned out to be the biggest hoax of my life. I never should have trusted him, now I am left picking up the pieces, while he is thanking god he got out of it alive. I enter the lounge, sighing exasperated. I look over at the lockers, there stands the man I have been trying so hard to avoid. Our eyes lock, and I immediately turn and walk out the way I came. So what, I'm a coward. I can deal with him, later. I just, I can't today. Not after last night. I barley got a good look at him. He is probably fine. He is untouchable. He won't be hurt by this useless piece of crap, to him I am scum. Not worth his time, money, just not worthy of him. I walk over to Susan, ducking into the curtained area. "Hey... Did you get my-" I bring my finger to my lips, signalling her to be quiet. She peeks around the corner seeing Carter at the admit desk. Her head immediately flashes over to me. She grabs my arm and proceeds to pull me out of the area, and into an empty exam room.
"What's going on?" She whispers, I look at her and shrug. I must look devastated or slightly hurt. I am not sure, but her face softens and she places her hand on my shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "I'll cover for you." I sigh, wiping my face with my hand.
'Thank You.' I mouth. She nods at me.
I head out of the exam room, heading for the drug lock up. I just need something to do, anything. I start to stock the drugs. Placing each one in its place. I scan the hospital, glancing at the clock. I can't help but recall the fight that got us into this whole mess. It is the most painful memory. I thought we were meant to be, as silly as that sounds now, I really thought we were going to make it. I should have known better, things have been rocky over the last couple of weeks. Ever since his grandmother funeral, ever since he did not propose. Who knew silence could be so painful, so loud. When he did not propose it spoke volumes to me, I just didn't want to realise that this was going no where. The relationship was only hurting us, it shouldn't be like that. The one you love should not cause you that much pain. But he did, especially the way he left.
~*~
"Hey." I turn around, opening my apartment door. He smiles at me. Where have I seen this before? He climbs the stairs. facing me. "Hey." I walk into my apartment building he follows me, on my heels every step of the way. "We need to talk." He grabs my elbow, stopping me from walking up the stairs. "Look Carter-" I try to start, but he puts his fingers up to stop me. "We need to sit down and talk." I wriggle free of his grasp. After thirty-six hours of work, the last thing I want to do is sit down and have a heart to heart. He chases after me, as I push into my hallway, finding my apartment and jamming the keys in the door. He runs in after me. I don't know why he wants to talk now, after over a week of avoiding me. Has he finally come to the realization that I am a waste of his time. A waste of a person, a waster of air. "This is what you love to do isn't it?" he says exhausted.
I spin around to face him. "John, I'm tired. Can we do this later?" He laughs at me, running his fingers through his short brown hair. Does he not understand that I just can not do this tonight.
"Its always pushing things away, people." He shakes his head. "Jesus Abby." He holds my gaze, watching as I close my eyes tiredly. I am not trying to push him away, he is doing that all on his own. "Its been a week and half." I open my eyes to look at him, he continues. "A week and a half since we spent time together. I can't keep going on like this." I stare at him, he looks worn out, angry, hurt. His eye lids are falling, as he fights to stay strong. "Then end it." I say in a barley audible whisper.
"That's what you want." I walk away from him, heading into my bedroom. "You think so low of yourself." He says exasperatedly.
"And you're always there to bring me back up." I say sarcastically.
"Where to you get this?" he screams, I jump a little at the sound of his shrill angry voice.
"Get what?" I ask naively.
"This poor me, 'I have such a fucking horrible life!' Attitude." I turn and face him. Rage written across his face, a crinkled brow. I meet his gaze with a sharp glare. "You think I am disappointed in you." He says quietly. "I have no fucking idea why." How the hell could he not know? He was the one who didn't propose. Who would confess his undying love for me day and night, yet when it came to judgement day he choked. He just couldn't do it. he couldn't picture spending his life with an old hag like me. He wanted me to change, be a perfect little house wife who could bare all his children. Guess what baby, it ain't happening. "You don't love me for me." I leave him alone to ponder this, as I make my way to the washroom. "Fuck. See that's it. You just pull these things out of the air. They have no basis of reality. Do you not understand that I love you, for you?"
"Is that so?" I yell snapping around. "Then why the hell did you push me away. Why did you avoid me for a week and a half? You don't love me John. That's the problem." My voice softens. "You are just realising this now." He looks at me hurt and dejected.
"No, you don't love yourself."
"That's bullshit." I spit. "This has to do with your feelings for me. You are denying what you really feel. You always try and turn this onto me."
"This is just another way for you to push me away." He says shaking his head. "You just can't let yourself be loved. Its fucking impossible, isn't it? You have to be poor lonely Abby." I walk past him into the kitchen, trying to ignore him. "Your doing it again. You just refuse to face the fucking music." He screams.
"Just fuck off." I holler back. I am feeling completely exhausted, and I do not feel like fighting with my sort of boyfriend right now.
"Shit Abby." He sits down on the couch.
"What now you want to make up? Pretend like nothing happened?" I say walking over to him.
"Mmm, I wish it was that easy. But nothing is every that easy with you." I look at him quizzically.
"That is something I have been trying to get through to you for the longest time." I sigh. "You are too good for-"
"Would you stop? Stop with this tired tirade about how sad and pathetic your life is." He stands up looking me in the eye. "I can't do this, not now."
"Well, you are the one who wanted to." I fire back. "You are the one who couldn't wait to hash out every problem with have had. Everyone of my endless problems." I push my hair back. "Are you happy now? I am completely exhausted, pissed and hungry."
"Yeah, that's exactly what I was going for Abby, trying to make your day worse." He pushes by me.
"I'm sorry I am such a burden on you." He says hurt. He looks at me once more, watching as I nervously tuck strands of hair behind my ear. I think am the one who is the burden. "You know your hopeless." I turn to look at him, biting down on my bottom lip. Trying to prevent the tears from falling down my cheeks. "Beautiful, funny, sarcastic. Amazing. You're the most amazing person I know. But above all you're hopeless. You are the one standing in your own way." He says this calmly, sweetly, but with a look of pain stricken anger on his face. Like his words are a tool he is using against me. "We could have been something great. Something that lasts forever. we could have stuck. But you don't want to." He finishes. He watches me as a simple tear rests at the corner of my eye. "Neither do you." He scoffs at this. "You don't John. I am hopeless you are right. I am too much too handle. But on top of all this, you have problems of your own. Problems you refuse to face, because you spend every minute of your life focusing in on mine. Shining the light in on every petty problem I may have." He watches me, I know he expected me to collapse, break down under his words. So he could collect me up, put the pieces back together. He wants to feel useful. "I can't do it Abby." He takes his keys out, looking at them. Then up at me. I make no effort to stop him. To make him stay. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I knew it was going to happen." I look down at my feet, pushing loose strands of hair out of my face. "Good luck." He tosses the keys onto the table, opening the door. He stands in the door way a second then looks back at me. "I love you, you know that? Maybe we could have been something if you just let yourself love me. Maybe you just couldn't love me. I don't know. I'm sick of trying to figure things out. I just wanted you to know that." He shuts the door. I stand in the same spot for a moment, watching the door, thinking maybe he will come back.
I slowly make my way to my bedroom, looking at a few articles of clothing left on the floor. He rarely spent the night here. Last night he did though, not that I was here. I was working. He needed to crash here, and this is all that is left. I walk out of the room, slamming the door, not satisfied with the sound it makes, I try again. The door crashing against the frame, I can hear it splinter. "I love you too." I murmur. I don't know why. He doesn't understand me, he doesn't truly love me, but I can't help but love him. Its the worse feeling in the world, to be deceived.
~*~
I continue to stock the drugs, "I need a nurse." I turn and see Carter looking at me. "I just- Everyone else is busy." He tries not to make eye contact with me. I hesitate, but he doesn't leave. "Abby-" He says in a warning voice, his eyes downcast on the floor. I shuffle out of the tiny space, shit I knew I shouldn't have been in tiny spaces for long. I follow him to the exam room, a man laying on the bed. He looks dazed, great. At the least we could have had a patient that talked a lot to try and east the tension in here. No such luck. Carter examines him, as I stand on the oppisite side of the bed fidgeting nervously. "Uh- can I come by and-" He clears his throat. His eyes meet mine reluctantly. "I just need my stuff." He says firmly.
"Yeah sure. I get off at seven."
"Okay." He watches as I jot a few things down on the chart, I can still feel his eyes on me. "What?" I ask a little bit annoyed. I don't want to talk to him today.
"I'm sorry. I should have been nicer-"
"Carter. Its fine okay, just piss the hell off." I say tossing the chart across the bed at him. He catches it. I walk through the exam room door, I can't do this. I can't pretend like everything is okay with him. It isn't. I can't have him over at my house. "Abby-" He calls running up behind me. "Look, just leave me alone. Okay? I will bring your stuff to work tomorrow." He stares at me, breathing heavily. His eyes look around. I know they are all watching us. I don't give a damn. I just, I can't believe I lost him. He wanted me to be someone I wasn't. He didn't truly love me, but for some reason I can't get enough of him. He is my drug. I need him to survive. Looking into his big brown eyes is driving me crazy.
I hold gazes with him for a second longer. "I'm sorry." I whisper, he doesn't love me and I can't handle it. I would never let him know that, I have to be strong, I have to prove to him, to everyone that I can make it on my own. I can survive. Even if I end up alone. I can make it by.