Authors Note- Hey all. Thanks for reviewing my last few chapters. I am trying to regularly update this fic, although it doesn't really seem to be grabbing that much attention right now, I am doing my best to make it more interesting. I will be having more of Abby's friendships too, to add a few more characters and interesting spins into the story. I hope you like, and as always feedback is more then welcome, so please review.
Disclaimer- I don't own them.
*Chapter Two*
I untwist the cap of the half full bottle of tequila. Successfully opening it. A whiff of the hard drug smacks me in the face. I take a step back adjusting to the harsh smell that is soon filling my body. I take a deep ragged breath, I slowly stalk to the kitchen, bottle in hand. Swinging open a cupboard door I pick out a heavy glass, setting it down on the counter I watch as the liquid fills the glass. I bring it up to my nose, breathing in the familiar scent, letting it swoosh around in the bottom of the dingy glass. I look around my empty apartment, it feels so cold and lonely. I stare at the door, maybe he will walk in. Catch me in the act, but of course he won't. Neither will ever happen again. I am no longer his to worry about. I bring the drink up to my lips, as the bitter sweet taste passes by my lips and down my throat. I tilt the glass a little further, finishing off the last of the glass remains. I look at the bottle, still so much more. This pain has yet to subside. I pick up the bottle, it clanks against the counter as I clumsily poor myself another glass. I don't bother swishing this one around, I just down it. Cringing as the taste sits in my mouth. A reminder of how big of a fuck up I really am. I look at the again, empty glass. I can't keep going on like this, in this endless circle of self deprecating hate. I am only hurting myself. I have already drove the man I love away. I did the same to Luka, I give them the chance and they take it without so much as a glance back. Why they even start dating me is beyond me. They only end up leaving. Maybe they have some false idea that they can rescue me from my downward spiral into hell. They can't. I am, as Carter said, Hopeless. I stumble over to the couch, liquor bottle in hand. I left the glass on the counter, who needs glasses when I can just down this whole bottle. I swing the bottle around, looking around the room. A picture of Carter and I catches my wandering eye. His arm is carelessly placed around my waist, as his cheek is pressed up next to mine. I vividly remember when that picture was taken. Happier times.
It was Susan's Christmas party. God can she throw a party. Hospital staff every where, watching your every move, taking mental notes for later gossip. We had danced, laughed, kissed. I had no worries that night, because he was all mine. We were happy, he had yet to see the real me. See through the facade I put on from time to time. The light has been shone on me. That was a night I will remember for the rest of my life, just like every other moment I spent with him. I take another swig from the big glass bottle. "Bastard." I mutter under my liquor induced breath. "Fuck him." I run my fingers through my hair, something he use to do. I have to stop thinking about him. He is just, just a worthless piece of my past. He will move on, hell he is probably in some other women's bed right now. So it is time I move on too, I can't let my pain and misery hold me back any more. I have to break free. I pick up the picture that sat on the table, the frame accentuating the smiles of the once happy couple. The silver- blue frame caught my eye when I saw it in the store, I bought it specifically for that reason. To put a picture of us in, we had none in what was, our apartment. I trace my finger along our faces, I fucking hate him. I knew he would hurt me. Why did I let it go this far? I should have stopped him. I toss the frame onto the floor, behind the couch. I turn and see that the glass has shattered into many pieces, the frame is still intact, with cracked glass sitting on the picture, while little pieces surround it. Broken, just like us.
An incessant rapping on the door brings me out of my semi conscious state. I look at it, then back down at the picture of us. I have no idea who it is, I drag myself over to the door, fumbling with the lock as I try to unlock it. I swing the door open falling backwards with it. "Abby?" I look up to see a blurred vision of Carter standing in front of me.
"John-" I slur. He looks at me worriedly, I stumble forward, reaching out for support he grabs me by the waist holding onto me. "Whoa, you've been drinking." He brings his head up. He walks in, holding me closer to his body trying to support both of us. Closing the door he steadies me, giving me a disappointed look. He wraps his arm around my waist leading me to the couch. I tried to push off him, but he wasn't about to let me go. "Abby, what the hell did you do?" He bent down grabbing the empty tequila bottle.
"Just leave me alone John." I flopped down on the couch, my head gently hitting the arm.
"You're drunk." He picked my feet up and placed them on the couch as well.
"No." I said closing my eyes. "I am fine, just go home. I told you I'd bring your stuff to work tomorrow." He started making some noise, I opened one of my eyes, he was sweeping up the glass from the shattered picture frame. He slowly lifted it up, looking at the picture. A small smile spread across his face, it vanished as quickly as it came though, he tossed the whole thing into a waiting garbage bag. I sigh, "Just go." He sets the broom in the corner, then walks over to me. "Not until I know you are going to be okay."
"I'll be fine, you're the only one whose hurting me. I don't need you around me any more."
"Abby-" He says hurt.
"No John, what we had was- it was meaningless to you, I know you don't love me. Guess what Baby, I feel the same." I am propped up on my elbows, he watches me intently.
"You don't mean that." He says under his breath. I nod furiously, until I give myself a headache. "Yes I do. Don't tell me what I do or don't mean." I flop back down on the couch. His eyes set upon me. I try to roll over onto my side, to avoid his gaze, but moving makes my stomach churn and eventually I can feel the burning as vomit makes its way up my throat, prying open my lips and spraying all over the couch. "Ugh." My head falls to the side, "I don't feel so good."
~*~
The annoying beeping of my alarm clock, rouses me into consciousness. I look around me, the room spinning. Some how I ended up in my bedroom, I don't remember much from last night. Just throwing up. I slowly sit up, I see a glass of water set on my bedside table, beside it two Advil. I pop them into my mouth, knowing someone was here last night. I looked over at the other side of the bed, the bed sheets dishevelled, and the comforter tossed haphazardly onto me. Someone slept there, and I have a pretty good indication of who it was.
I shove everything off of me, slowly making my way into the bathroom. Everything I do seems be done slow these days. I am moving in slow motion, slowly watching as the lonely hours of my pitiful life tick by me. I turn the shower on, I hop in, finding it not hot enough, I turn the temperature to scalding. The water beating up against my skin, I flinch at the feel of it. I feel like shit, I shouldn't have drank last night. Now I feel like an even bigger fool, I know Carter was here. He is going to know I can't make it on my own, that I need him. There goes my goal of trying to prove that I am better off with out him. I am better off with out him, I just need a little time to get my life in order, my head sorted out. I can be happy. I don't need a man in my life to make me happy. I think for so long I have relied on men to make me happy, I have to do it for me now, make myself happy. I turn off the shower, I push the curtain over grabbing a warm towel. I wrap it around my shivering body. I have a shift soon, I hope he is not working, he will never let me forget last night. I can't believe he slept in my bed though... With me. God, what did I do? Who knows what I tried on him, I may never find out. Sometimes it takes me a few days to remember what I did when I was drunk, sometimes I never find out. I pad across my carpeted bedroom, I see nothing of his. No articles of clothing, not even a stray sock that he forgot. I open up what use to be his dresser drawer. Nothing. Empty, it really is over. I slam the drawer shut. Walking over to my bra that was laid out on the chair, well he must have undressed me, I did wake up in my pyjamas. I hope I didn't... No, I wouldn't try anything on him. I continue getting dressed, I just hope he is not working today, because the last thing I need is a lecture, or to find out that I slept with him. After declaring myself fine without him. He'd get a kick out of that and throw it in my face every chance he got. I throw my hair up in a messy bun, I feel like shit and look like it too. I don't want to work, but it doesn't look like I am given much of a choice. I have worked with a hang over before, I can do it. I'd just rather not have to.
The L is packed, its eight o'clock in the morning, so I guess that doesn't really surprise me. I end up having to stand, I squish myself in between a heavy business man, in a nice suit and a bum. Whose stench is making me nauseous, which isn't hard today. The train pulls to an unexpected halt, I fly forward into the heavy man. My head aches, my stomach is turning. This is not going to be a good day. At All.
~*~
I walk with my head down into the ambulance bay, I really don't want to be here. "Hey." I look up to see Susan and Carter standing in front of me. Carter looks away, avoiding looking at me at all costs. I glance at him, seeing a hickey on his neck, Susan's eyes follow mine. We both stare at the hickey, I know I gave it to him. Susan obviously does not. She looks at me with an 'I'm sorry look on her face.' His neck snaps back over to us. "What?"
"Jesus Carter." Susan says angrily. I do my best to avoid his gaze this time. He looks at me, and I get uncomfortable. "I have to go." I say starting to walk away.
"Abby-" I look back at Susan.
"Yeah." She smiles at me sympathetically.
"Girls night tonight?" I nod my head yes, figuring I need to get out of the house a bit more. Have some fun with my friends.
Disclaimer- I don't own them.
*Chapter Two*
I untwist the cap of the half full bottle of tequila. Successfully opening it. A whiff of the hard drug smacks me in the face. I take a step back adjusting to the harsh smell that is soon filling my body. I take a deep ragged breath, I slowly stalk to the kitchen, bottle in hand. Swinging open a cupboard door I pick out a heavy glass, setting it down on the counter I watch as the liquid fills the glass. I bring it up to my nose, breathing in the familiar scent, letting it swoosh around in the bottom of the dingy glass. I look around my empty apartment, it feels so cold and lonely. I stare at the door, maybe he will walk in. Catch me in the act, but of course he won't. Neither will ever happen again. I am no longer his to worry about. I bring the drink up to my lips, as the bitter sweet taste passes by my lips and down my throat. I tilt the glass a little further, finishing off the last of the glass remains. I look at the bottle, still so much more. This pain has yet to subside. I pick up the bottle, it clanks against the counter as I clumsily poor myself another glass. I don't bother swishing this one around, I just down it. Cringing as the taste sits in my mouth. A reminder of how big of a fuck up I really am. I look at the again, empty glass. I can't keep going on like this, in this endless circle of self deprecating hate. I am only hurting myself. I have already drove the man I love away. I did the same to Luka, I give them the chance and they take it without so much as a glance back. Why they even start dating me is beyond me. They only end up leaving. Maybe they have some false idea that they can rescue me from my downward spiral into hell. They can't. I am, as Carter said, Hopeless. I stumble over to the couch, liquor bottle in hand. I left the glass on the counter, who needs glasses when I can just down this whole bottle. I swing the bottle around, looking around the room. A picture of Carter and I catches my wandering eye. His arm is carelessly placed around my waist, as his cheek is pressed up next to mine. I vividly remember when that picture was taken. Happier times.
It was Susan's Christmas party. God can she throw a party. Hospital staff every where, watching your every move, taking mental notes for later gossip. We had danced, laughed, kissed. I had no worries that night, because he was all mine. We were happy, he had yet to see the real me. See through the facade I put on from time to time. The light has been shone on me. That was a night I will remember for the rest of my life, just like every other moment I spent with him. I take another swig from the big glass bottle. "Bastard." I mutter under my liquor induced breath. "Fuck him." I run my fingers through my hair, something he use to do. I have to stop thinking about him. He is just, just a worthless piece of my past. He will move on, hell he is probably in some other women's bed right now. So it is time I move on too, I can't let my pain and misery hold me back any more. I have to break free. I pick up the picture that sat on the table, the frame accentuating the smiles of the once happy couple. The silver- blue frame caught my eye when I saw it in the store, I bought it specifically for that reason. To put a picture of us in, we had none in what was, our apartment. I trace my finger along our faces, I fucking hate him. I knew he would hurt me. Why did I let it go this far? I should have stopped him. I toss the frame onto the floor, behind the couch. I turn and see that the glass has shattered into many pieces, the frame is still intact, with cracked glass sitting on the picture, while little pieces surround it. Broken, just like us.
An incessant rapping on the door brings me out of my semi conscious state. I look at it, then back down at the picture of us. I have no idea who it is, I drag myself over to the door, fumbling with the lock as I try to unlock it. I swing the door open falling backwards with it. "Abby?" I look up to see a blurred vision of Carter standing in front of me.
"John-" I slur. He looks at me worriedly, I stumble forward, reaching out for support he grabs me by the waist holding onto me. "Whoa, you've been drinking." He brings his head up. He walks in, holding me closer to his body trying to support both of us. Closing the door he steadies me, giving me a disappointed look. He wraps his arm around my waist leading me to the couch. I tried to push off him, but he wasn't about to let me go. "Abby, what the hell did you do?" He bent down grabbing the empty tequila bottle.
"Just leave me alone John." I flopped down on the couch, my head gently hitting the arm.
"You're drunk." He picked my feet up and placed them on the couch as well.
"No." I said closing my eyes. "I am fine, just go home. I told you I'd bring your stuff to work tomorrow." He started making some noise, I opened one of my eyes, he was sweeping up the glass from the shattered picture frame. He slowly lifted it up, looking at the picture. A small smile spread across his face, it vanished as quickly as it came though, he tossed the whole thing into a waiting garbage bag. I sigh, "Just go." He sets the broom in the corner, then walks over to me. "Not until I know you are going to be okay."
"I'll be fine, you're the only one whose hurting me. I don't need you around me any more."
"Abby-" He says hurt.
"No John, what we had was- it was meaningless to you, I know you don't love me. Guess what Baby, I feel the same." I am propped up on my elbows, he watches me intently.
"You don't mean that." He says under his breath. I nod furiously, until I give myself a headache. "Yes I do. Don't tell me what I do or don't mean." I flop back down on the couch. His eyes set upon me. I try to roll over onto my side, to avoid his gaze, but moving makes my stomach churn and eventually I can feel the burning as vomit makes its way up my throat, prying open my lips and spraying all over the couch. "Ugh." My head falls to the side, "I don't feel so good."
~*~
The annoying beeping of my alarm clock, rouses me into consciousness. I look around me, the room spinning. Some how I ended up in my bedroom, I don't remember much from last night. Just throwing up. I slowly sit up, I see a glass of water set on my bedside table, beside it two Advil. I pop them into my mouth, knowing someone was here last night. I looked over at the other side of the bed, the bed sheets dishevelled, and the comforter tossed haphazardly onto me. Someone slept there, and I have a pretty good indication of who it was.
I shove everything off of me, slowly making my way into the bathroom. Everything I do seems be done slow these days. I am moving in slow motion, slowly watching as the lonely hours of my pitiful life tick by me. I turn the shower on, I hop in, finding it not hot enough, I turn the temperature to scalding. The water beating up against my skin, I flinch at the feel of it. I feel like shit, I shouldn't have drank last night. Now I feel like an even bigger fool, I know Carter was here. He is going to know I can't make it on my own, that I need him. There goes my goal of trying to prove that I am better off with out him. I am better off with out him, I just need a little time to get my life in order, my head sorted out. I can be happy. I don't need a man in my life to make me happy. I think for so long I have relied on men to make me happy, I have to do it for me now, make myself happy. I turn off the shower, I push the curtain over grabbing a warm towel. I wrap it around my shivering body. I have a shift soon, I hope he is not working, he will never let me forget last night. I can't believe he slept in my bed though... With me. God, what did I do? Who knows what I tried on him, I may never find out. Sometimes it takes me a few days to remember what I did when I was drunk, sometimes I never find out. I pad across my carpeted bedroom, I see nothing of his. No articles of clothing, not even a stray sock that he forgot. I open up what use to be his dresser drawer. Nothing. Empty, it really is over. I slam the drawer shut. Walking over to my bra that was laid out on the chair, well he must have undressed me, I did wake up in my pyjamas. I hope I didn't... No, I wouldn't try anything on him. I continue getting dressed, I just hope he is not working today, because the last thing I need is a lecture, or to find out that I slept with him. After declaring myself fine without him. He'd get a kick out of that and throw it in my face every chance he got. I throw my hair up in a messy bun, I feel like shit and look like it too. I don't want to work, but it doesn't look like I am given much of a choice. I have worked with a hang over before, I can do it. I'd just rather not have to.
The L is packed, its eight o'clock in the morning, so I guess that doesn't really surprise me. I end up having to stand, I squish myself in between a heavy business man, in a nice suit and a bum. Whose stench is making me nauseous, which isn't hard today. The train pulls to an unexpected halt, I fly forward into the heavy man. My head aches, my stomach is turning. This is not going to be a good day. At All.
~*~
I walk with my head down into the ambulance bay, I really don't want to be here. "Hey." I look up to see Susan and Carter standing in front of me. Carter looks away, avoiding looking at me at all costs. I glance at him, seeing a hickey on his neck, Susan's eyes follow mine. We both stare at the hickey, I know I gave it to him. Susan obviously does not. She looks at me with an 'I'm sorry look on her face.' His neck snaps back over to us. "What?"
"Jesus Carter." Susan says angrily. I do my best to avoid his gaze this time. He looks at me, and I get uncomfortable. "I have to go." I say starting to walk away.
"Abby-" I look back at Susan.
"Yeah." She smiles at me sympathetically.
"Girls night tonight?" I nod my head yes, figuring I need to get out of the house a bit more. Have some fun with my friends.