Authors Note- Thanks everyone for their advice. I really appreciate it, and I took all your advice into consideration, you might even find it in this chapter, so thanks once again! I am sorry for the delay on this chapter. I have a vague idea where I would like this to go. But it could still go in a different direction. Anyways, here it is! Please read and review. Thanks so much!
*Chapter Six*
The covers are thrown around the room, articles of clothing hanging off every bed, lamp and dresser post, in sight. I snuggle up closer to the only thing radiating heat. John. His hands are entwined in my sweaty hair. His free hand plays along my belly, tracing patterns. I look up at him groggily. "Hi," he leans down and places a soft kiss on my nose.
"I've decided, that whether its his or not, I'm going to treat it as if it were my own." I smile at him, his fingers tapping rhythmically on my stomach. "Hey baby." He says beaming. I hold his hand in mine, he is so sweet. Regardless, I don't know what I am doing about the baby. I feel as though my hands are tied. I care about John, really I do. But I don't know if I love him. I do not want to have a serious commitment with him just yet. We are serious, but not to the point where we have done anything drastic, such as moving in, or an engagement. I am not ready for that yet. If I am not ready for that with this man, I am not ready for a baby with him. I liked how it was before, we were slow, playfully. Not committing to anything to serious yet. Now I get the feeling other types of commitments are on his mind.
Then there is Carter, who could be the father of my baby. This would definitely interfere with the life he has planned out for himself. His new girlfriend, is well, perfect. She is gorgeous, they will have beautiful children. I know they have only been dating a few weeks, but none the less they seem happy. Too happy almost. But I am not one to pass judgement on others relationships. I don't know how he will take the news, should the child be his. I don't know how I will take the news should the child be his. At this point, I am not sure what I want. Do I want to have this child? Will I do any service to it, as its mother? If it is Carter's child, which is a possibility, I will have already drank while pregnant. What kind of mother does that. Granted I didn't know I was pregnant at the time...
I am an alcoholic on top of everything. No matter what I will always be a drunk. A drunk who has fallen off the wagon many of times. It wouldn't surprise me if I did it again. I guess it wouldn't hurt to have a little more faith in myself. Although I can never be sure what is going to happen.
I successfully manage to untangle myself from John's warm embrace, without a word to him. He watches as I, nakedly, gather my towels and such for my shower. I push loose hair behind my ears nervously as he watches. It is unsettling for some reason. It never bothered me when Carter did it, but for some reason it does with John. Maybe it means something, but I am not going to hold a magnify glass over every bump in our relationship. I hurriedly make my way to the washroom, locking the door behind me. I just want time to myself right now, I don't want him coming in here.
I scheduled an OB appointment today that I did not tell him about. I would like to go by myself for now, just until I know. I would feel better about it. I turn the scalding water on until it is so hot the smell of burning flesh is almost evident in the air.
~*~
The ER doors burst open as I enter, the warm air hitting me like a ton of bricks. "Abby." Susan smiles, I smile back politely. "We need another nurse." She hands me a chart, I skim over it on my way to the vacant lounge. Hanging up my coat, I concentrate more on my issues, then on the man with the stomach flu. I hope Carter isn't working, he may have more then one question regarding my trip to OB. Although, I don't believe there is any reason for him to be concerned with it. I am almost a hundred percent sure it is John's. I have feeling, I just know. This scares me a bit. Knowing that this baby could bring our relationship to a whole new level. Not to mention bi polar disorder, which the child could have. John barley knows the half of it. How is he suppose to love a child who could potentially ruin his life. Not that I wouldn't love any child of mine, but would he really be willing to give up his life for this child. I am not so sure I am.
I have done it before so why not do it again. It was hard the first time, but what is stopping me? I could just make something up to tell John. Some fabricated lie to cover up the painful truth. It would be wrong, but how would he take it if I told his I got an abortion because I was afraid. He would disown me. I couldn't blame him. I am the only person to blame at this point. I am the real fuck up. Before I make any rash decisions I will have to think all my options over, maybe talking to John about it wouldn't be a bad idea either. He could maybe help me through everything. He just doesn't know me well enough yet. He doesn't know the insecure Abby. He only sees the mask I put on for him. If he knew me like Carter did, he would take off just like Carter did.
I slam my locker door closed, leaving the lounge only to see Carter's new arm ornament. Great, this is the last thing I need. Amongst all my troubles, I need her to rub in my face just how great John's got it. She wouldn't do that though. 'Cause she's perfect. Maybe not, but she is very nice. For the most part everyone likes her. Susan thinks she nice, she wouldn't spend time with her, but I think she deems her some what acceptable. I walk over to admin, avoiding her gaze, that seems to be boring into me. "Excuse." She says to me. She hasn't a clue as to who I am. Carter has not told her a thing about me. Which makes me a bit sceptical of their relationship. I turn around, flashing her a fake smile. "Yes." I say in an exasperated voice. She looks a little annoyed at my tone of voice, but continues on none the less.
"Do you know where John Carter is?" I sweep a few strands of hair out of my face.
"I haven't a clue. I just got on, and have not see him." I walk away from her, over to the board. She follows me over, staying on the other side of the desk the all the while.
"Can you page him or anything?" She scrunches up her nose and looks hopeful, that there is some other way to contact her lovely boyfriend. They probably want to have a quickie in the exam room. Blah, whatever I don't care. Been there done that, Luka was better.
"Tammy." I look over my shoulder as Carter comes rushing towards us. He has a small smile on his lips, he doesn't exactly look thrilled to see her. More just eager to get her the hell away from me. Don't worry, Gamma's boy, I'm not going to pollute your little girlfriends mind with horror stories of how big of a prick you really are. That isn't to say you have a big prick. I roll my eyes as she embraces him, he uncomfortably accepts the hold she has on him. I roll my eyes at them, becoming annoyed with there overt displays of affection. "Carter, shouldn't you be doing work?" I question rudely. He holds Tammy by the waist, while giving me a death stare. "I'm the doctor here Abby, so you do what I say. Not the other way around." He spits at me.
"I don't care what you say. You have patients to be seen, you shouldn't be out here sucking face with some women." He looks upset, as Tammy steps away from him. Promptly kissing him on the cheek. About to leave, but Carter grabs her wrist to stop her.
"Grow up Abby." He says through clenched teeth. I roll my eyes at him. I am more grown up then he is proving to be lately.
"Fuck off." I say barley audible, but I know he heard it. I stomp off, not wanting to spend another minute in front of him. I know my behaviour was immature. But I am feeling over whelmed by everything lately, and I just can not deal with another minute of them making out in front of me.
I push out of the hospital, I need to be alone. The only place I can think of to do that is the bench. Our bench. By the river. It will only remind me of him, and the hate I have for him at the moment. At least I'll be alone. Right now that is exactly what I need. To be alone. I rush down the stairs, my feet hitting the pavement so hard, the sound echo's. I sulkily sit on the bench, wishing I had a nice hot cup of ... "Coffee?" I look up to see a cup of coffee dangling in front of my face.
*Chapter Six*
The covers are thrown around the room, articles of clothing hanging off every bed, lamp and dresser post, in sight. I snuggle up closer to the only thing radiating heat. John. His hands are entwined in my sweaty hair. His free hand plays along my belly, tracing patterns. I look up at him groggily. "Hi," he leans down and places a soft kiss on my nose.
"I've decided, that whether its his or not, I'm going to treat it as if it were my own." I smile at him, his fingers tapping rhythmically on my stomach. "Hey baby." He says beaming. I hold his hand in mine, he is so sweet. Regardless, I don't know what I am doing about the baby. I feel as though my hands are tied. I care about John, really I do. But I don't know if I love him. I do not want to have a serious commitment with him just yet. We are serious, but not to the point where we have done anything drastic, such as moving in, or an engagement. I am not ready for that yet. If I am not ready for that with this man, I am not ready for a baby with him. I liked how it was before, we were slow, playfully. Not committing to anything to serious yet. Now I get the feeling other types of commitments are on his mind.
Then there is Carter, who could be the father of my baby. This would definitely interfere with the life he has planned out for himself. His new girlfriend, is well, perfect. She is gorgeous, they will have beautiful children. I know they have only been dating a few weeks, but none the less they seem happy. Too happy almost. But I am not one to pass judgement on others relationships. I don't know how he will take the news, should the child be his. I don't know how I will take the news should the child be his. At this point, I am not sure what I want. Do I want to have this child? Will I do any service to it, as its mother? If it is Carter's child, which is a possibility, I will have already drank while pregnant. What kind of mother does that. Granted I didn't know I was pregnant at the time...
I am an alcoholic on top of everything. No matter what I will always be a drunk. A drunk who has fallen off the wagon many of times. It wouldn't surprise me if I did it again. I guess it wouldn't hurt to have a little more faith in myself. Although I can never be sure what is going to happen.
I successfully manage to untangle myself from John's warm embrace, without a word to him. He watches as I, nakedly, gather my towels and such for my shower. I push loose hair behind my ears nervously as he watches. It is unsettling for some reason. It never bothered me when Carter did it, but for some reason it does with John. Maybe it means something, but I am not going to hold a magnify glass over every bump in our relationship. I hurriedly make my way to the washroom, locking the door behind me. I just want time to myself right now, I don't want him coming in here.
I scheduled an OB appointment today that I did not tell him about. I would like to go by myself for now, just until I know. I would feel better about it. I turn the scalding water on until it is so hot the smell of burning flesh is almost evident in the air.
~*~
The ER doors burst open as I enter, the warm air hitting me like a ton of bricks. "Abby." Susan smiles, I smile back politely. "We need another nurse." She hands me a chart, I skim over it on my way to the vacant lounge. Hanging up my coat, I concentrate more on my issues, then on the man with the stomach flu. I hope Carter isn't working, he may have more then one question regarding my trip to OB. Although, I don't believe there is any reason for him to be concerned with it. I am almost a hundred percent sure it is John's. I have feeling, I just know. This scares me a bit. Knowing that this baby could bring our relationship to a whole new level. Not to mention bi polar disorder, which the child could have. John barley knows the half of it. How is he suppose to love a child who could potentially ruin his life. Not that I wouldn't love any child of mine, but would he really be willing to give up his life for this child. I am not so sure I am.
I have done it before so why not do it again. It was hard the first time, but what is stopping me? I could just make something up to tell John. Some fabricated lie to cover up the painful truth. It would be wrong, but how would he take it if I told his I got an abortion because I was afraid. He would disown me. I couldn't blame him. I am the only person to blame at this point. I am the real fuck up. Before I make any rash decisions I will have to think all my options over, maybe talking to John about it wouldn't be a bad idea either. He could maybe help me through everything. He just doesn't know me well enough yet. He doesn't know the insecure Abby. He only sees the mask I put on for him. If he knew me like Carter did, he would take off just like Carter did.
I slam my locker door closed, leaving the lounge only to see Carter's new arm ornament. Great, this is the last thing I need. Amongst all my troubles, I need her to rub in my face just how great John's got it. She wouldn't do that though. 'Cause she's perfect. Maybe not, but she is very nice. For the most part everyone likes her. Susan thinks she nice, she wouldn't spend time with her, but I think she deems her some what acceptable. I walk over to admin, avoiding her gaze, that seems to be boring into me. "Excuse." She says to me. She hasn't a clue as to who I am. Carter has not told her a thing about me. Which makes me a bit sceptical of their relationship. I turn around, flashing her a fake smile. "Yes." I say in an exasperated voice. She looks a little annoyed at my tone of voice, but continues on none the less.
"Do you know where John Carter is?" I sweep a few strands of hair out of my face.
"I haven't a clue. I just got on, and have not see him." I walk away from her, over to the board. She follows me over, staying on the other side of the desk the all the while.
"Can you page him or anything?" She scrunches up her nose and looks hopeful, that there is some other way to contact her lovely boyfriend. They probably want to have a quickie in the exam room. Blah, whatever I don't care. Been there done that, Luka was better.
"Tammy." I look over my shoulder as Carter comes rushing towards us. He has a small smile on his lips, he doesn't exactly look thrilled to see her. More just eager to get her the hell away from me. Don't worry, Gamma's boy, I'm not going to pollute your little girlfriends mind with horror stories of how big of a prick you really are. That isn't to say you have a big prick. I roll my eyes as she embraces him, he uncomfortably accepts the hold she has on him. I roll my eyes at them, becoming annoyed with there overt displays of affection. "Carter, shouldn't you be doing work?" I question rudely. He holds Tammy by the waist, while giving me a death stare. "I'm the doctor here Abby, so you do what I say. Not the other way around." He spits at me.
"I don't care what you say. You have patients to be seen, you shouldn't be out here sucking face with some women." He looks upset, as Tammy steps away from him. Promptly kissing him on the cheek. About to leave, but Carter grabs her wrist to stop her.
"Grow up Abby." He says through clenched teeth. I roll my eyes at him. I am more grown up then he is proving to be lately.
"Fuck off." I say barley audible, but I know he heard it. I stomp off, not wanting to spend another minute in front of him. I know my behaviour was immature. But I am feeling over whelmed by everything lately, and I just can not deal with another minute of them making out in front of me.
I push out of the hospital, I need to be alone. The only place I can think of to do that is the bench. Our bench. By the river. It will only remind me of him, and the hate I have for him at the moment. At least I'll be alone. Right now that is exactly what I need. To be alone. I rush down the stairs, my feet hitting the pavement so hard, the sound echo's. I sulkily sit on the bench, wishing I had a nice hot cup of ... "Coffee?" I look up to see a cup of coffee dangling in front of my face.