Authors Note- I am sooooooo sorry about the lack of updates recently. I have been busy and unable to write chapters for either of my fics. I managed to get one up today. I will warn you I wrote this chapter in bits and pieces, so it may be weird. Anyways I know it is short, but I hope to get another one up tomorrow that will answer a lot of questioins! Thanks for all the reviews I really appreciate them!!!
Disclaimer- They're not mine. None of it is. You know the drill!
I look up, my eyes focused on the person standing in front of me. "Take the coffee will yah, my hand is starting to get sore." I smile weakly, taking the coffee, I bring it down to my nose, inhaling the harsh scent. I bring the Styrofoam cup to my lips, taking a small sip. The bitter taste lingers on my tongue before I swallow it down. I look up at her, by the look on my face, she sees coffee is not something I need right now. Picking up the cup she tosses it into a near by garbage can. She sits down beside me, her body shaking the bench slightly. "Its a shitty day, today." She sighs, I take in the overcast skies and the sprinkles of rain that leave water droplets on my leather coat. I shrug, focusing my sights on the rough river that lay in front of me. My thoughts overwhelm me, queasiness washes over me. I am left in an uncomfortable state. This day would have gone a lot smoother if I hadn't run into him. The way his hands found the small of her back so easily, his lips on her cheek. Enough to bring up everything I have eaten over the last twenty-four hours, which is virtually nothing. I am aware that I have someone too, and that we act in the same way, or in the same manner, around him. It still hurts none the less. "You okay?"
I smile at Susan, she watches as I nervously tuck strands of hair behind my ears. I nod, biting down on my bottom lip. I turn my gaze towards the river once more, concentrating on the few people that pass by in front of us. All struggling with their own inner demons as well, some having no where to turn too, or feel as though they have no where too turn too. No one, to turn too. So they do the same thing as me, they turn to habits, bad habits. Alcohol, drug abuse, so many others. Some just whither away before their love ones eyes. Slowly deteriorating, no one else having the faintest clue about what is really going on. We are all battling the same battle, fighting the same fight. The fight to stay alive. I have the choice, the decision, to cut the life of what could be, a beautiful child, with a fairy tale life. Or a child who lives in pain and misery. The latter seems to be the most likely option. This child will not be happy, I don't even know who the hell the father is. How can a child be brought into the world under such conditions. If it is Johns it wasn't brought in during love making, we weren't in love, we were fucking. If its Carters, hell there is no possible way to describe my relationship with him. I now believe that Carter being this babies father could be the worst thing. For everyone. I don't know if I am ready to be a mother. What if both men bail on me? What if its Carters and he wants nothing to do with it. John wouldn't be able to accept that its not his. So he would leave.
I can't possibly do it on my own. I cock my head to the side. "I'm scared." I murmur. She looks at me, a sympathetic smile upon her lips.
"Why?" I shake my head, not sure if I am ready to divulge my little secret. Although I have already told John, the worst person to tell at the moment.
"I'm pregnant." She stares at me a second before turning her head and looking out at the water. We stay like this a moment, both ingesting the news, the life that awaits me. The life that awaits her. We are both in the same situation, hers just seems... Happier.
"What are you going to do?" She turns to me, taking in my dishevelled appearance. I shake my head, not really knowing the answer to that question. I have asked myself the same question repeatedly, coming out with the same answer. I can't do it again. I want too. More than anyone knows, I want to go to the clinic. I can't, I can not follow through with the procedure. It took a toll on me when I did it before, I can't do it to myself again. Although not doing could mean a different kind of pain. Right now I am just trying to figure out which option is better.
"It will become clear Abby." She says reassuringly. "I didn't know at first either, but now I do. You will too." I smile at her, not so sure if she's right. It just seems so simple, my life has been anything but simple. "Yeah." I nod my head, she lets out a sigh, rubbing my arm. Our gazes meet once more and a wide grin breaks out on her face. "Besides, you and I can go baby shopping together." I can help but laugh at her eagerness. "We can tear the stores apart." I roll my eyes at her, a helpless smile on my face.
"Its a deal." Her arm wraps around my shoulders pulling me into a makeshift hug. I know that my decision won't be easy, but with friends like this, I can make it through anything. Anything.
~*~
"When's your first appointment." I shove the ice cream covered spoon into my mouth.
"Today." I dig the spoon into the tub of delicious ice cream again, she follows suit.
"Neither of them know?" I look up at her, then at the people walking by the ice cream parlour. Some rushing, others taking time to look around, enjoying life. I wish I could be one of those people who just enjoys whatever life throws their way.
"John knows, Carter doesn't." I sigh, she pulls her chair in closer to the table.
"Whose do you think-"
"John." I cut her off before she can even finish her sentence. Maybe this is wishful thinking. Because however convoluted the situation may be if it is John's baby. It will be worsened ten times over if it is Carters. She nods her head, with a puzzled look on her face.
"Your sure?"
"Call it mothers intuition."
"Or-"
"It can't be Carter's Susan." I shake my head, trying to piece together the exact ways to tell her what I already know. "John Carter does not love me." She opens her mouth to speak, but I don't allow her the opportunity. "He has a dream of what life could be with me, if I were... Perfect." The word gets stuck in my throat. Its an expectation I could never live up too. One his new fling already seems to be doing. "He fooled everyone into thinking he loved me though." I laugh bitterly, "Hell even me. I thought he was head over heels for me. It wasn't till later that I started to realise how much I really disappointed him. You have it great with Chuck, just don't let him go." She looks at me sadly, knowing that nothing she can say or do will change how I think or feel.
We start our walk towards the hospital. Silence encompasses us, neither one knowing what to say. I know she is searching for the right words. I am praying she never finds them. No matter how perfect the words may sound, the truth is still there. Hidden behind a wall of lies, and misinterpreted truths. Perfection was lost long ago, now I am left with emptiness, hoping that John can fill the void Carter left. I may be living a lie, but for now its the only thing that feels right. We walk into the hospital, she links her arm to mine pulling me into a quick hug before turning into the lounge. Taking a deep breath I head towards OB, where my fate awaits me.
Disclaimer- They're not mine. None of it is. You know the drill!
I look up, my eyes focused on the person standing in front of me. "Take the coffee will yah, my hand is starting to get sore." I smile weakly, taking the coffee, I bring it down to my nose, inhaling the harsh scent. I bring the Styrofoam cup to my lips, taking a small sip. The bitter taste lingers on my tongue before I swallow it down. I look up at her, by the look on my face, she sees coffee is not something I need right now. Picking up the cup she tosses it into a near by garbage can. She sits down beside me, her body shaking the bench slightly. "Its a shitty day, today." She sighs, I take in the overcast skies and the sprinkles of rain that leave water droplets on my leather coat. I shrug, focusing my sights on the rough river that lay in front of me. My thoughts overwhelm me, queasiness washes over me. I am left in an uncomfortable state. This day would have gone a lot smoother if I hadn't run into him. The way his hands found the small of her back so easily, his lips on her cheek. Enough to bring up everything I have eaten over the last twenty-four hours, which is virtually nothing. I am aware that I have someone too, and that we act in the same way, or in the same manner, around him. It still hurts none the less. "You okay?"
I smile at Susan, she watches as I nervously tuck strands of hair behind my ears. I nod, biting down on my bottom lip. I turn my gaze towards the river once more, concentrating on the few people that pass by in front of us. All struggling with their own inner demons as well, some having no where to turn too, or feel as though they have no where too turn too. No one, to turn too. So they do the same thing as me, they turn to habits, bad habits. Alcohol, drug abuse, so many others. Some just whither away before their love ones eyes. Slowly deteriorating, no one else having the faintest clue about what is really going on. We are all battling the same battle, fighting the same fight. The fight to stay alive. I have the choice, the decision, to cut the life of what could be, a beautiful child, with a fairy tale life. Or a child who lives in pain and misery. The latter seems to be the most likely option. This child will not be happy, I don't even know who the hell the father is. How can a child be brought into the world under such conditions. If it is Johns it wasn't brought in during love making, we weren't in love, we were fucking. If its Carters, hell there is no possible way to describe my relationship with him. I now believe that Carter being this babies father could be the worst thing. For everyone. I don't know if I am ready to be a mother. What if both men bail on me? What if its Carters and he wants nothing to do with it. John wouldn't be able to accept that its not his. So he would leave.
I can't possibly do it on my own. I cock my head to the side. "I'm scared." I murmur. She looks at me, a sympathetic smile upon her lips.
"Why?" I shake my head, not sure if I am ready to divulge my little secret. Although I have already told John, the worst person to tell at the moment.
"I'm pregnant." She stares at me a second before turning her head and looking out at the water. We stay like this a moment, both ingesting the news, the life that awaits me. The life that awaits her. We are both in the same situation, hers just seems... Happier.
"What are you going to do?" She turns to me, taking in my dishevelled appearance. I shake my head, not really knowing the answer to that question. I have asked myself the same question repeatedly, coming out with the same answer. I can't do it again. I want too. More than anyone knows, I want to go to the clinic. I can't, I can not follow through with the procedure. It took a toll on me when I did it before, I can't do it to myself again. Although not doing could mean a different kind of pain. Right now I am just trying to figure out which option is better.
"It will become clear Abby." She says reassuringly. "I didn't know at first either, but now I do. You will too." I smile at her, not so sure if she's right. It just seems so simple, my life has been anything but simple. "Yeah." I nod my head, she lets out a sigh, rubbing my arm. Our gazes meet once more and a wide grin breaks out on her face. "Besides, you and I can go baby shopping together." I can help but laugh at her eagerness. "We can tear the stores apart." I roll my eyes at her, a helpless smile on my face.
"Its a deal." Her arm wraps around my shoulders pulling me into a makeshift hug. I know that my decision won't be easy, but with friends like this, I can make it through anything. Anything.
~*~
"When's your first appointment." I shove the ice cream covered spoon into my mouth.
"Today." I dig the spoon into the tub of delicious ice cream again, she follows suit.
"Neither of them know?" I look up at her, then at the people walking by the ice cream parlour. Some rushing, others taking time to look around, enjoying life. I wish I could be one of those people who just enjoys whatever life throws their way.
"John knows, Carter doesn't." I sigh, she pulls her chair in closer to the table.
"Whose do you think-"
"John." I cut her off before she can even finish her sentence. Maybe this is wishful thinking. Because however convoluted the situation may be if it is John's baby. It will be worsened ten times over if it is Carters. She nods her head, with a puzzled look on her face.
"Your sure?"
"Call it mothers intuition."
"Or-"
"It can't be Carter's Susan." I shake my head, trying to piece together the exact ways to tell her what I already know. "John Carter does not love me." She opens her mouth to speak, but I don't allow her the opportunity. "He has a dream of what life could be with me, if I were... Perfect." The word gets stuck in my throat. Its an expectation I could never live up too. One his new fling already seems to be doing. "He fooled everyone into thinking he loved me though." I laugh bitterly, "Hell even me. I thought he was head over heels for me. It wasn't till later that I started to realise how much I really disappointed him. You have it great with Chuck, just don't let him go." She looks at me sadly, knowing that nothing she can say or do will change how I think or feel.
We start our walk towards the hospital. Silence encompasses us, neither one knowing what to say. I know she is searching for the right words. I am praying she never finds them. No matter how perfect the words may sound, the truth is still there. Hidden behind a wall of lies, and misinterpreted truths. Perfection was lost long ago, now I am left with emptiness, hoping that John can fill the void Carter left. I may be living a lie, but for now its the only thing that feels right. We walk into the hospital, she links her arm to mine pulling me into a quick hug before turning into the lounge. Taking a deep breath I head towards OB, where my fate awaits me.