Authors Note- Its short. You've been warned. I am going to start another storycontinuing this one, its in the future about six, seven years, I haven't decided yet. I hope you enjoyed this one. Thanks to everyone who reviewed!
*Chapter 12*
I'm walking around in a dream, at least that is what it feels like. Emptiness follows me where ever I go. A hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach tugs at my every thought and desire, reminding me of my shortcomings throughout my pointless life. Nothing is what it seems. It feels as though I am moving in slow motion as someone's finger hovers over the play button, threatening to whip me into action. But instead of actually throwing me into the world head first, the finger taunts me, making me walk around in a daze not knowing wrong from right. I am the poster girls for impurity and hopelessness. Which, ultimately, is what I was destine to be. It was written in the stars. No matter what I do, this fog of reminder gallops over head, when I think I am two steps ahead of it, almost free, it moves a little quicker. Reminding me of everything I have done wrong in the last thirty years. Yup, I'm a failure, not just any failure, a hopeless failure. One who is incapable of being loved, incapable of loving.
I grab my purse from the front door. Another day at work, another day in this zombie like mind. I can't think straight, I can't eat, all I do is work. Sleep doesn't even seem to be an option anymore. My thoughts haunt me. He haunts me. Visions of him cloud my mind. I don't know where he is. He left, I went to find him, I needed to talk to him. To tell him everything that was on my mind, express my every feeling to him. When I went to work that day I was informed that he left. Susan told me. She tried to break it to me gently, telling me that there will, in fact, be other guys. Huh. Not bloody likely. He was right to leave. I can't blame him. He did exactly what I thought he would do, he cut his looses. He doesn't need me to drag him down. I don't know where he went, he didn't say. I tried to contact him, once. I called the mansion. Big mistake. I got a hold of her. She screeched at me, telling me what a horrible person I am, how he is lucky to be free of me. She threatened me. Telling me to stay the, and I'm quoting here; 'Stay the fuck away from John, your nothing but a trashy whore, who took his heart and broke it in two.' At least someone sees me for what I really am.
I shut the heavy door behind me, deciding to take the L today. Its a beautiful day, the wind rushes through the trees, the last bits of mucky snow have finally melted. They were just a reminder of that night that I told Carter what my intentions were. If only I could talk to him now, explain myself. But I can't. He dropped off of the face of the earth, never to be seen again.
I board the L, its not to busy, rush our ended a about an hour ago. The joys of working nights. I take a seat, no one is on this particular train, leaving me alone to my thoughts. I'm not sure if that is such a good idea. I just can't believe he's gone, I know we had our differences, but I loved him. A lot. More then he will know I guess. They already found someone to replace him, he's been gone a week and already he's replaced. Well, professionally speaking. A man named Donnie, he seems nice enough, I haven't spent much time with him. I try to avoid socializing, or doing anything for that matter. The L comes to abrupt halt as the door swish open, I quickly walk outside, I don't want to be later for work then I already am. The ambulance bay is virtually empty, accept for a lone soul sitting on the bench. Cigarette clutched into between his index finger and thumb, his head hung down, shoulders slouched.
"You okay?" He smiles at me grimly, taking a drag from his cigarette.
"Didn't know you were on tonight?" I nod at him, reaching forward taking a quick drag of my cigarette, knowing I shouldn't in the state I'm in, but its just another 'Abby flaw.'
"What happened?" I ask the sad looking man. His dirty blond hair matted to his head, perspiration drizzling down his cheeks.
"I lost a patient. An infant, I lost his dad. The only person he had. This kids going to end up being bounced from home to home his whole life." The man says. I take a seat next to him on the bench, leaning up against the hard wood. He follows suit, soon we are watching the stars. Just the two of us, and the dying cigarette.
"I'm sorry." I break the silence, he looks over at me, wiping the sweat from his cheek, he stands up offering me his hand. I oblige, as he pulls me to his feet I look into his eyes. He looks so scared, so alone. I feel as though I can read his every feeling and thought right now. Its amazing. I smile at him slowly turning towards the ambulance bay doors.
"See yah later, Donnie." He smiles at me, its that moment that I realise how similar our lives our. I connected with him in a way I didn't think possible, since Carter. Maybe I will find a new love. Maybe, just maybe.
*Chapter 12*
I'm walking around in a dream, at least that is what it feels like. Emptiness follows me where ever I go. A hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach tugs at my every thought and desire, reminding me of my shortcomings throughout my pointless life. Nothing is what it seems. It feels as though I am moving in slow motion as someone's finger hovers over the play button, threatening to whip me into action. But instead of actually throwing me into the world head first, the finger taunts me, making me walk around in a daze not knowing wrong from right. I am the poster girls for impurity and hopelessness. Which, ultimately, is what I was destine to be. It was written in the stars. No matter what I do, this fog of reminder gallops over head, when I think I am two steps ahead of it, almost free, it moves a little quicker. Reminding me of everything I have done wrong in the last thirty years. Yup, I'm a failure, not just any failure, a hopeless failure. One who is incapable of being loved, incapable of loving.
I grab my purse from the front door. Another day at work, another day in this zombie like mind. I can't think straight, I can't eat, all I do is work. Sleep doesn't even seem to be an option anymore. My thoughts haunt me. He haunts me. Visions of him cloud my mind. I don't know where he is. He left, I went to find him, I needed to talk to him. To tell him everything that was on my mind, express my every feeling to him. When I went to work that day I was informed that he left. Susan told me. She tried to break it to me gently, telling me that there will, in fact, be other guys. Huh. Not bloody likely. He was right to leave. I can't blame him. He did exactly what I thought he would do, he cut his looses. He doesn't need me to drag him down. I don't know where he went, he didn't say. I tried to contact him, once. I called the mansion. Big mistake. I got a hold of her. She screeched at me, telling me what a horrible person I am, how he is lucky to be free of me. She threatened me. Telling me to stay the, and I'm quoting here; 'Stay the fuck away from John, your nothing but a trashy whore, who took his heart and broke it in two.' At least someone sees me for what I really am.
I shut the heavy door behind me, deciding to take the L today. Its a beautiful day, the wind rushes through the trees, the last bits of mucky snow have finally melted. They were just a reminder of that night that I told Carter what my intentions were. If only I could talk to him now, explain myself. But I can't. He dropped off of the face of the earth, never to be seen again.
I board the L, its not to busy, rush our ended a about an hour ago. The joys of working nights. I take a seat, no one is on this particular train, leaving me alone to my thoughts. I'm not sure if that is such a good idea. I just can't believe he's gone, I know we had our differences, but I loved him. A lot. More then he will know I guess. They already found someone to replace him, he's been gone a week and already he's replaced. Well, professionally speaking. A man named Donnie, he seems nice enough, I haven't spent much time with him. I try to avoid socializing, or doing anything for that matter. The L comes to abrupt halt as the door swish open, I quickly walk outside, I don't want to be later for work then I already am. The ambulance bay is virtually empty, accept for a lone soul sitting on the bench. Cigarette clutched into between his index finger and thumb, his head hung down, shoulders slouched.
"You okay?" He smiles at me grimly, taking a drag from his cigarette.
"Didn't know you were on tonight?" I nod at him, reaching forward taking a quick drag of my cigarette, knowing I shouldn't in the state I'm in, but its just another 'Abby flaw.'
"What happened?" I ask the sad looking man. His dirty blond hair matted to his head, perspiration drizzling down his cheeks.
"I lost a patient. An infant, I lost his dad. The only person he had. This kids going to end up being bounced from home to home his whole life." The man says. I take a seat next to him on the bench, leaning up against the hard wood. He follows suit, soon we are watching the stars. Just the two of us, and the dying cigarette.
"I'm sorry." I break the silence, he looks over at me, wiping the sweat from his cheek, he stands up offering me his hand. I oblige, as he pulls me to his feet I look into his eyes. He looks so scared, so alone. I feel as though I can read his every feeling and thought right now. Its amazing. I smile at him slowly turning towards the ambulance bay doors.
"See yah later, Donnie." He smiles at me, its that moment that I realise how similar our lives our. I connected with him in a way I didn't think possible, since Carter. Maybe I will find a new love. Maybe, just maybe.