Witch Hunt!
Episode II: The Second Day of Trials
--Touga, Miki, and Juri again ride the elevator up to the courtroom. Miki seems to be quite calm for a change while Touga giggles in the corner.
Juri: What's with you, Egg Boy?
Touga: Oh, nothing. Just can't wait until today's trial.
Juri: What's so special about it? It can't be any weirder than yesterday's.
Touga: Anthy's trial?
Juri: No. Utena's?
Touga: Oh. (gesturing with chin) I see it all now. (nodding to the elevator wall)
Juri: What the hell are you doing?
Miki: Are we there yet?
Touga: Come with me, Miki and Juri! (a curious wind blows about the elevator blowing their pilgrim duelist uniforms open) Come with me to the End of the Flashback!
Juri: Jesus! Touga! (buttoning her top)
Miki: (screaming) NO! PLEASE STOP! AT LEAST LET ME KEEP MY CLOTHES! I'LL DO WHAT YOU WANT! I'LL DO WHAT YOU WANT!!!
Juri: Thanks Touga. Now you got him started again.
Miki: (frantically fixing his clothes) DON'T MAKE ME!!!
Touga: Well, leave him here while we go to the flashback.
Juri: Fine.
--They both make thinking gestures to the elevator wall. The air begins to fog up and swirl and a black & white illusion of yesterday's events are played before their eyes.
Saionji: Step forword, Miss Utena Tenjou.
Utena: (stepping...well, forward) Yes.
Saionji: State your crime.
Utena: I've done nothing...except kicking your ass!
Akio: (snapping) Don't go there, girlfriend!
Juri: What the hell, Saionji?
Saionji: What were you accused of?
Utena: You accused me of witchcraft.
Touga: Honestly Saionji.
Saionji: Didn't you see how she beat me?! That was so magic.
Touga: Whatever.
Utena: That was Dios.
Saionji: Dios? Who's Dios? Isn't that the god of war?
Utena: No. That's Ares.
Saionji: Then who is he?
Juri: Have you lost your mind?
Touga: This is getting weird.
Saionji: Who's this Dios character?!
Utena: How stupid can you be?!!
Saionji: WHO'S DIOS?!!
--A beautiful, glowing apparition falls from the sky and lands in the witnesses stand.
All: DIOS!!!
Saionji: ORDER! Order in my courtroom. Now, who are you?
Dios: I am Prince Dios and I have come to kick your ass. Just as I have aided Utena in doing so many times before.
Saionji: What?!!!
Touga: That Dios is one hell of a prince. Go you sexy mother!
Dios: Let Utena go free, for she is innocent.
Saionji: And if I don't?
Dios: I told you. I'll kick your ass.
Saionji: Sure, whatever.
--Dios chases Saionji around with a menacing sword.
Saionji: (screaming) COURT IS ADJOURNED!
--The fog returns and everything shifts back to Touga and Juri staring at the elevator wall.
Touga: Wow! That was interesting. What did you think?
Juri: You massive tool.
Miki: Where were you guys?! Why did you leave me all alone? That's how she gets you. When you're all alone. She comes out of nowhere. With that duck. That duck!
Juri: We were here the whole time. It was just a flashback.
Miki: (stops stopwatch) ONE MINUTE AND FORTY-EIGHT SECONDS!!! That's how long you were gone!
Juri: Sure. Well, we're back now.
Touga: Let's get to the courtroom now. Shall we? (clearing throat) "If it cannot break...
Miki: Faster! Hurry!
Touga: You think you can do better.
Miki: In summary, we must break out of this world in order to truly know ourselves.
All: FOR THE REVOLUTION OF THE WORLD!!!
--The elevator doors open. Saionji is once again perched at the judge's seat, surveying the courtroom.
Touga: I hate you!
Miki: I just really needed to get out of there.
Saionji: (sporting a broken wrist) Welcome members of the...of the... (sputters out in laughter) HAHAHA!!! Oh that's beautiful! That's good stuff. Oh, that never gets old!
Juri: God Damn you Saionji.
Miki: Juri! Language.
Juri: I'll let her come and get you!
Miki: NO!! Please don't do that! Please! She'll make me do it again! The bad things! THE BAD THINGS! BUT I'M A GOOD BOY!!!
Juri: Yeah, we know.
Saionji: ORDER! Now. Jury... (snickers) please take your seats.
Touga: This is gonna be one hell of a trial.
Juri: (glares) I hate not knowing what's going to happen.
Miki: What's going to happen?! Are we in danger?! What's wrong? OH, GOD! IS SHE COMING?!
Juri: Shut up!!!
Saionji: Court is now in session. Bring out the next defendant!
Kanae: Good morning Your Honor.
Saionji: State your name and crime.
Kanae: Ohtori Kanae. Witchcraft.
Juri: Do you have to ask them their crime every time? It's always witchcraft!
Saionji: ORDER!!! Now, Miss Ohtori. Who has accused you of witchcraft?
Touga: (laughing uncontrollably) This just gets better and better.
Juri: Hyena.
Saionji: Order! Please answer the question, Miss Ohtori.
Kanae: Akio. Ohtori Akio.
Akio: Ciao!
Saionji: The cameraman? Is he your brother?
--Everyone looks at each other puzzled then bursts out laughing. All of a sudden, the author (Evilmini86) dashes out of nowhere...
Evilmini86: Hey! It could happen. Look at Mamiya and Tokiko!
Miki: Where'd you come from? Did 'she' send you?
Evilmini86: Um, no. Well, my purpose here is over. Goodbye everyone. (starts to walk away) (shouts) Akio has a mullet!
Akio: HEY! No one's supposed to notice that! Get back here!
Evilmini86: (running) Akio the Mullet Prince!!!
Akio: You little b***h!
Evilmini86: Go stargazin' mother f***er!
Akio: Face me like a man!!!
Touga: Give it up Akio. The author's gone.
Miki: I'm so scared. Someone save me!!!
Saionji: What the hell? Order! Now. On with the case.
Kanae: Akio is not my brother. He's my fiancé.
Saionji: You're marrying your brother?
Kanae: NO!!!
Saionji: Then why do you two have the same last name?
Kanae: Because...beca...I don't know. Akio, why do we have the same last name?
Akio: Because you're a witch. Now shut up and hang her so I can go on screwing all of the women of Ohtori without anymore problems!
Kanae: I knew it! Who are they?!
Touga: More like who AREN'T they. (laughs histerically)
Akio: (joining him) Let's see. I've done (counting on fingers) her, her, him, her...I haven't done Juri. I'm not her type. HAHAHA!
Juri: You little...
Akio: I've had Shiori, and so has Ruka and Touga and...
Juri: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!
Saionji: Order!!! (slamming hand down on the stand) Ouch! I forgot I broke it. Stupid Dios! Back to the case.
Kanae: So you're saying you've done everyone else in this school except Juri.
Akio: No, most of them though. At least more than half.
Kanae: List the people I do know.
Touga: This is gonna take all night honey!
Akio: Anthy, Shiori, Touga, Wakaba, Utena, your mom...
Kanae: WHAT?!!! My mom?!!
Akio: Yeah, that reverse Cinderella thing with the shoe works like wonders.
Touga: It's his thing. You know you're gonna get it when he does that.
Kanae: What shoe thing?
Touga: You've never seen the shoe thing?
Akio: That reminds me...I never screwed your sister, Nanami.
Touga: Neither have I...well yet.
Kanae: What shoe thing??!!!!
Touga: You never did that to her?
Akio: I never did her.
Touga: Oh, that's why she's so bitter.
Kanae: (screams) WHO ARE YOU AKIO!!!! I DON'T KNOW YOU ANYMORE!!!
Akio: But did you ever really know me? You've never even had a ride in my pimpin' hot-rod.
Kanae: Hot rod? I thought you had a Honda.
Akio: Honda? HAHAHAHAHA! Hell no!
Touga: This is precious!
Juri: (giggling) Even I've taken a ride in it.
Saionji: Me too. Nice Mileage.
Miki: Me three. It's got real leather in the interior. Sweet.
Kanae: (stunned) Anyone else?
Akio: Pretty much everyone. Yup, everybody.
Touga: Everybody whose played a descent part in the show.
Akio: Except Souji Mikage and Mamiya. Oh, yeah! I screwed Mamiya too.
--All of a sudden Mamiya and Mikage appear.
Mamiya: I'd call that molestation.
Miki: AHHH!!! That's what she did! That's the word! THAT'S THE WORD!!!
Juri: Shut up.
Kanae: What the hell?! Not you two.
Akio: I thought you couldn't remember anything about that day.
Kanae: I don't. Who are these young men?
Saionji: This is just getting out of hand. How'd you get up here?
Mamiya: Why, my magic of course.
BANG!!!
Saionji: (holding a steaming shotgun) Witch.
Mikage: NO!!! My small young lover!
Saionji: (aiming at Kanae) Jury...hehehe...guilty or guilty.
Kanae: (pulls a gun out of her purse) Dead.
BANG!
Saionji: Well, since she committed suicide that means she's a witch.
Akio: I'm a bachelor again.
Touga: Cool. (pulls out cell phone) Hello Moto!
Akio: Who are you calling?
Touga: Oh, wouldn't you like to know.
Mikage: (holding Mamiya's dead body covered in blood) Oh, Mamiya! How could they?!! I loved you! Mamiya.
Akio: Oh, shut up. He wasn't real anyway.
Mikage: What?
Akio: Duh. Stupid. He's just a freaky mirage of Anthy as a boy.
Mikage: No! It can't be!
Akio: And you've been dead for like 20 years or something.
Mikage: Did I die in the fire?
Akio: You started that! God, weren't you watching that episode?
Mikage: Not really. I was...um...busy.
Akio: 'Doing' what?
Mikage: Mamiya.
Akio: Won't you just fade away now, dead boy!
--Mikage and Mamiya begin to fade away.
BANG!!!
Saionji: (holding shot gun) That was magic.
Akio: You really need to stop.
Touga: (on the phone) Hello, is this Keiko?
Akio: I think that's enough for today. Me and my camera are going to be busy tonight. (nudging Touga) Am I right?
Touga: Hehehe. Um...never mind Keiko. Maybe another night. I think two's enough for me. (hanging up phone) Unless one of you would like to join in? Miki?
Miki: AHHHHHH!
Touga: Anyone?
Juri: No.
Saionji: Hmmm...let us deliberate to the judge's chambers.
Akio: Oh, Saionji.
Saionji: Call me, Your Honor, Mr. Chairman.
Touga: It's a date. Farewell.
--The three of them leave. Juri and Miki are left sitting there in front of the bodies of Kanae, Mamiya, and Mikage.
Miki: What do we do now?
Juri: I don't know. We are alone, ignoring the dead bodies.
Miki: What are you suggesting?
Juri: Even though you are a boy...
Miki: No Juri! NO!!!!!
Juri: Oh, come on? Who else you gonna be with? Your sister? Hahaha.
Miki: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! No! NO! Please no! Not her! Not the duck!
Juri: What are you saying?
Miki: (runs away screaming) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Juri: What's wrong with him?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ To Be Continued ~*~*~*~*~*~*
In the next installment of witch hunt...
Who "molested" Miki? Will Saionji shoot anymore people? Will anyone ever find the tape that shall be made tonight in the judge's chambers? Did the author forget all about Mitsuru? Will Keiko ever get a real date with Touga? Will this story ever make sense? No. Did the author just get sexier? All of these answers and less in the next episode of Witch Hunt!
***PLEASE REVIEW AND IF YOU'D LIKE...GIVE ME SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR DEFENDANTS OF SAIONJI'S WITCH HUNT. DOMO!!!***
Episode II: The Second Day of Trials
--Touga, Miki, and Juri again ride the elevator up to the courtroom. Miki seems to be quite calm for a change while Touga giggles in the corner.
Juri: What's with you, Egg Boy?
Touga: Oh, nothing. Just can't wait until today's trial.
Juri: What's so special about it? It can't be any weirder than yesterday's.
Touga: Anthy's trial?
Juri: No. Utena's?
Touga: Oh. (gesturing with chin) I see it all now. (nodding to the elevator wall)
Juri: What the hell are you doing?
Miki: Are we there yet?
Touga: Come with me, Miki and Juri! (a curious wind blows about the elevator blowing their pilgrim duelist uniforms open) Come with me to the End of the Flashback!
Juri: Jesus! Touga! (buttoning her top)
Miki: (screaming) NO! PLEASE STOP! AT LEAST LET ME KEEP MY CLOTHES! I'LL DO WHAT YOU WANT! I'LL DO WHAT YOU WANT!!!
Juri: Thanks Touga. Now you got him started again.
Miki: (frantically fixing his clothes) DON'T MAKE ME!!!
Touga: Well, leave him here while we go to the flashback.
Juri: Fine.
--They both make thinking gestures to the elevator wall. The air begins to fog up and swirl and a black & white illusion of yesterday's events are played before their eyes.
Saionji: Step forword, Miss Utena Tenjou.
Utena: (stepping...well, forward) Yes.
Saionji: State your crime.
Utena: I've done nothing...except kicking your ass!
Akio: (snapping) Don't go there, girlfriend!
Juri: What the hell, Saionji?
Saionji: What were you accused of?
Utena: You accused me of witchcraft.
Touga: Honestly Saionji.
Saionji: Didn't you see how she beat me?! That was so magic.
Touga: Whatever.
Utena: That was Dios.
Saionji: Dios? Who's Dios? Isn't that the god of war?
Utena: No. That's Ares.
Saionji: Then who is he?
Juri: Have you lost your mind?
Touga: This is getting weird.
Saionji: Who's this Dios character?!
Utena: How stupid can you be?!!
Saionji: WHO'S DIOS?!!
--A beautiful, glowing apparition falls from the sky and lands in the witnesses stand.
All: DIOS!!!
Saionji: ORDER! Order in my courtroom. Now, who are you?
Dios: I am Prince Dios and I have come to kick your ass. Just as I have aided Utena in doing so many times before.
Saionji: What?!!!
Touga: That Dios is one hell of a prince. Go you sexy mother!
Dios: Let Utena go free, for she is innocent.
Saionji: And if I don't?
Dios: I told you. I'll kick your ass.
Saionji: Sure, whatever.
--Dios chases Saionji around with a menacing sword.
Saionji: (screaming) COURT IS ADJOURNED!
--The fog returns and everything shifts back to Touga and Juri staring at the elevator wall.
Touga: Wow! That was interesting. What did you think?
Juri: You massive tool.
Miki: Where were you guys?! Why did you leave me all alone? That's how she gets you. When you're all alone. She comes out of nowhere. With that duck. That duck!
Juri: We were here the whole time. It was just a flashback.
Miki: (stops stopwatch) ONE MINUTE AND FORTY-EIGHT SECONDS!!! That's how long you were gone!
Juri: Sure. Well, we're back now.
Touga: Let's get to the courtroom now. Shall we? (clearing throat) "If it cannot break...
Miki: Faster! Hurry!
Touga: You think you can do better.
Miki: In summary, we must break out of this world in order to truly know ourselves.
All: FOR THE REVOLUTION OF THE WORLD!!!
--The elevator doors open. Saionji is once again perched at the judge's seat, surveying the courtroom.
Touga: I hate you!
Miki: I just really needed to get out of there.
Saionji: (sporting a broken wrist) Welcome members of the...of the... (sputters out in laughter) HAHAHA!!! Oh that's beautiful! That's good stuff. Oh, that never gets old!
Juri: God Damn you Saionji.
Miki: Juri! Language.
Juri: I'll let her come and get you!
Miki: NO!! Please don't do that! Please! She'll make me do it again! The bad things! THE BAD THINGS! BUT I'M A GOOD BOY!!!
Juri: Yeah, we know.
Saionji: ORDER! Now. Jury... (snickers) please take your seats.
Touga: This is gonna be one hell of a trial.
Juri: (glares) I hate not knowing what's going to happen.
Miki: What's going to happen?! Are we in danger?! What's wrong? OH, GOD! IS SHE COMING?!
Juri: Shut up!!!
Saionji: Court is now in session. Bring out the next defendant!
Kanae: Good morning Your Honor.
Saionji: State your name and crime.
Kanae: Ohtori Kanae. Witchcraft.
Juri: Do you have to ask them their crime every time? It's always witchcraft!
Saionji: ORDER!!! Now, Miss Ohtori. Who has accused you of witchcraft?
Touga: (laughing uncontrollably) This just gets better and better.
Juri: Hyena.
Saionji: Order! Please answer the question, Miss Ohtori.
Kanae: Akio. Ohtori Akio.
Akio: Ciao!
Saionji: The cameraman? Is he your brother?
--Everyone looks at each other puzzled then bursts out laughing. All of a sudden, the author (Evilmini86) dashes out of nowhere...
Evilmini86: Hey! It could happen. Look at Mamiya and Tokiko!
Miki: Where'd you come from? Did 'she' send you?
Evilmini86: Um, no. Well, my purpose here is over. Goodbye everyone. (starts to walk away) (shouts) Akio has a mullet!
Akio: HEY! No one's supposed to notice that! Get back here!
Evilmini86: (running) Akio the Mullet Prince!!!
Akio: You little b***h!
Evilmini86: Go stargazin' mother f***er!
Akio: Face me like a man!!!
Touga: Give it up Akio. The author's gone.
Miki: I'm so scared. Someone save me!!!
Saionji: What the hell? Order! Now. On with the case.
Kanae: Akio is not my brother. He's my fiancé.
Saionji: You're marrying your brother?
Kanae: NO!!!
Saionji: Then why do you two have the same last name?
Kanae: Because...beca...I don't know. Akio, why do we have the same last name?
Akio: Because you're a witch. Now shut up and hang her so I can go on screwing all of the women of Ohtori without anymore problems!
Kanae: I knew it! Who are they?!
Touga: More like who AREN'T they. (laughs histerically)
Akio: (joining him) Let's see. I've done (counting on fingers) her, her, him, her...I haven't done Juri. I'm not her type. HAHAHA!
Juri: You little...
Akio: I've had Shiori, and so has Ruka and Touga and...
Juri: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!
Saionji: Order!!! (slamming hand down on the stand) Ouch! I forgot I broke it. Stupid Dios! Back to the case.
Kanae: So you're saying you've done everyone else in this school except Juri.
Akio: No, most of them though. At least more than half.
Kanae: List the people I do know.
Touga: This is gonna take all night honey!
Akio: Anthy, Shiori, Touga, Wakaba, Utena, your mom...
Kanae: WHAT?!!! My mom?!!
Akio: Yeah, that reverse Cinderella thing with the shoe works like wonders.
Touga: It's his thing. You know you're gonna get it when he does that.
Kanae: What shoe thing?
Touga: You've never seen the shoe thing?
Akio: That reminds me...I never screwed your sister, Nanami.
Touga: Neither have I...well yet.
Kanae: What shoe thing??!!!!
Touga: You never did that to her?
Akio: I never did her.
Touga: Oh, that's why she's so bitter.
Kanae: (screams) WHO ARE YOU AKIO!!!! I DON'T KNOW YOU ANYMORE!!!
Akio: But did you ever really know me? You've never even had a ride in my pimpin' hot-rod.
Kanae: Hot rod? I thought you had a Honda.
Akio: Honda? HAHAHAHAHA! Hell no!
Touga: This is precious!
Juri: (giggling) Even I've taken a ride in it.
Saionji: Me too. Nice Mileage.
Miki: Me three. It's got real leather in the interior. Sweet.
Kanae: (stunned) Anyone else?
Akio: Pretty much everyone. Yup, everybody.
Touga: Everybody whose played a descent part in the show.
Akio: Except Souji Mikage and Mamiya. Oh, yeah! I screwed Mamiya too.
--All of a sudden Mamiya and Mikage appear.
Mamiya: I'd call that molestation.
Miki: AHHH!!! That's what she did! That's the word! THAT'S THE WORD!!!
Juri: Shut up.
Kanae: What the hell?! Not you two.
Akio: I thought you couldn't remember anything about that day.
Kanae: I don't. Who are these young men?
Saionji: This is just getting out of hand. How'd you get up here?
Mamiya: Why, my magic of course.
BANG!!!
Saionji: (holding a steaming shotgun) Witch.
Mikage: NO!!! My small young lover!
Saionji: (aiming at Kanae) Jury...hehehe...guilty or guilty.
Kanae: (pulls a gun out of her purse) Dead.
BANG!
Saionji: Well, since she committed suicide that means she's a witch.
Akio: I'm a bachelor again.
Touga: Cool. (pulls out cell phone) Hello Moto!
Akio: Who are you calling?
Touga: Oh, wouldn't you like to know.
Mikage: (holding Mamiya's dead body covered in blood) Oh, Mamiya! How could they?!! I loved you! Mamiya.
Akio: Oh, shut up. He wasn't real anyway.
Mikage: What?
Akio: Duh. Stupid. He's just a freaky mirage of Anthy as a boy.
Mikage: No! It can't be!
Akio: And you've been dead for like 20 years or something.
Mikage: Did I die in the fire?
Akio: You started that! God, weren't you watching that episode?
Mikage: Not really. I was...um...busy.
Akio: 'Doing' what?
Mikage: Mamiya.
Akio: Won't you just fade away now, dead boy!
--Mikage and Mamiya begin to fade away.
BANG!!!
Saionji: (holding shot gun) That was magic.
Akio: You really need to stop.
Touga: (on the phone) Hello, is this Keiko?
Akio: I think that's enough for today. Me and my camera are going to be busy tonight. (nudging Touga) Am I right?
Touga: Hehehe. Um...never mind Keiko. Maybe another night. I think two's enough for me. (hanging up phone) Unless one of you would like to join in? Miki?
Miki: AHHHHHH!
Touga: Anyone?
Juri: No.
Saionji: Hmmm...let us deliberate to the judge's chambers.
Akio: Oh, Saionji.
Saionji: Call me, Your Honor, Mr. Chairman.
Touga: It's a date. Farewell.
--The three of them leave. Juri and Miki are left sitting there in front of the bodies of Kanae, Mamiya, and Mikage.
Miki: What do we do now?
Juri: I don't know. We are alone, ignoring the dead bodies.
Miki: What are you suggesting?
Juri: Even though you are a boy...
Miki: No Juri! NO!!!!!
Juri: Oh, come on? Who else you gonna be with? Your sister? Hahaha.
Miki: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! No! NO! Please no! Not her! Not the duck!
Juri: What are you saying?
Miki: (runs away screaming) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Juri: What's wrong with him?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ To Be Continued ~*~*~*~*~*~*
In the next installment of witch hunt...
Who "molested" Miki? Will Saionji shoot anymore people? Will anyone ever find the tape that shall be made tonight in the judge's chambers? Did the author forget all about Mitsuru? Will Keiko ever get a real date with Touga? Will this story ever make sense? No. Did the author just get sexier? All of these answers and less in the next episode of Witch Hunt!
***PLEASE REVIEW AND IF YOU'D LIKE...GIVE ME SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR DEFENDANTS OF SAIONJI'S WITCH HUNT. DOMO!!!***