Hey hey, Polde here, with the answers to most if not all your elf-y
questions.
Today's first question is:
"Dear Polde,
Why is Legolas SO HOTT? Orlilover"
Random Fangirl: Rule number one of "Ask Polde" is: THOU SHALT NOT DROOL!!! So, know that this letter shall be thrown into the Eternal Balrog Mating Season pit as soon as I am done. But Legolas, as any good elf should, uses only the best in hygiene products, and...*laugh* wears foundation. But he is not alone. He shops at Elves R" Us, where we can get all the leggings, makeup, and hygienic junk we need...they even have a mature section where you can buy...SHAMPOO.
Now, on to the next question!!!
"DEAR POLDE WHERE DO ELF BABIES COME FROM?!? ANGELA"
Dear Miss-My-Caps-lock-button-is-permanently-on, Err...Can I lie and tell you they fall out of the sky because an elven mommy and daddy loved each other very very much? Damn. Alright, well... This explanation is R rated, because in essence, literally, it is elf smut. So...here we go! When two elves decide that it would be in best judgment to produce a child, a child that would show off the combination of their great beauties mixing together, they start the Elven Mating Ritual. Of course, the ritual is no small thing, and must be performed at certain times. To show that two Elves truly love each other, they must abstain from gazing at themselves in mirrors or still waters, dressing themselves in finery, and basically putting themselves through hell with no sweet hair products for one WEEK. If they pass this test with their sanity in tact they proceed. The two elves enter the Mating Bathing Room, or MBR. This is a time for great joy, for not only will this time give them a child, they will at last be allowed to beautify themselves. It would be highly unwise to even think of disturbing the elves during this time, as they become violent and will chain you up and force feed you SHAMPOO. The two enter the Bathing Pools, and this is where the Elven Smut begins! They strip of their torn, dirty, and unrefined clothing, submerging into the heated waters. They each then take a bottle of pre-chosen Herbal Essence SHAMPOO, and it is with high amounts of....tension they begin the ritual. The details shall be left ones own mind, but there is lots of screaming, and back up elves singing "THEY GOT THE URGE! THE URGE TO HERBAL, OWWWWWWW!", and mutters of "Who is your elven daddy!?" then it is done. Afterwards, with hair shining in only a way that the Mating Ritual and HEs can do, the two dress in their best finery and go forth to tell their family and friends it has been DONE!
"Dear Polde,
Why is Legolas SO HOTT? Orlilover"
Random Fangirl: Rule number one of "Ask Polde" is: THOU SHALT NOT DROOL!!! So, know that this letter shall be thrown into the Eternal Balrog Mating Season pit as soon as I am done. But Legolas, as any good elf should, uses only the best in hygiene products, and...*laugh* wears foundation. But he is not alone. He shops at Elves R" Us, where we can get all the leggings, makeup, and hygienic junk we need...they even have a mature section where you can buy...SHAMPOO.
Now, on to the next question!!!
"DEAR POLDE WHERE DO ELF BABIES COME FROM?!? ANGELA"
Dear Miss-My-Caps-lock-button-is-permanently-on, Err...Can I lie and tell you they fall out of the sky because an elven mommy and daddy loved each other very very much? Damn. Alright, well... This explanation is R rated, because in essence, literally, it is elf smut. So...here we go! When two elves decide that it would be in best judgment to produce a child, a child that would show off the combination of their great beauties mixing together, they start the Elven Mating Ritual. Of course, the ritual is no small thing, and must be performed at certain times. To show that two Elves truly love each other, they must abstain from gazing at themselves in mirrors or still waters, dressing themselves in finery, and basically putting themselves through hell with no sweet hair products for one WEEK. If they pass this test with their sanity in tact they proceed. The two elves enter the Mating Bathing Room, or MBR. This is a time for great joy, for not only will this time give them a child, they will at last be allowed to beautify themselves. It would be highly unwise to even think of disturbing the elves during this time, as they become violent and will chain you up and force feed you SHAMPOO. The two enter the Bathing Pools, and this is where the Elven Smut begins! They strip of their torn, dirty, and unrefined clothing, submerging into the heated waters. They each then take a bottle of pre-chosen Herbal Essence SHAMPOO, and it is with high amounts of....tension they begin the ritual. The details shall be left ones own mind, but there is lots of screaming, and back up elves singing "THEY GOT THE URGE! THE URGE TO HERBAL, OWWWWWWW!", and mutters of "Who is your elven daddy!?" then it is done. Afterwards, with hair shining in only a way that the Mating Ritual and HEs can do, the two dress in their best finery and go forth to tell their family and friends it has been DONE!