-Super Metroid
--The Space Pirate Log Book
---Entry 3: The Norfiar Janitor, Crocomire
Ridley gets off the mother ship at Zebes and roasts ten guys because they weren't doing their patrol routines. He wasn't supposed to off so many guys at once and needs a good cover story. I show up five minutes later, devour the evidence and make quick with the brainstorming. Now it wasn't Ridley's reckless rage anymore, it was simply ten pirates who hung around far too long in the superheated sections of Norfair. It's their fault, not his and the world keeps turning.
I'm known as Crocomire. This is my job. I'm the one-man designated Zebian planetary clean up crew. Ok, so I'm not a man, but you get the point. I clean up accidents, and they're big ones if it concerns Ridley or any other higher ups. Mother Brain tries to run a tight ship you know? Or is it tight planet? Oh well. She's tough on the mass execution of fellow pirates. But when I show up, all she hears are tales of incompetence and carelessness. Now she doesn't even miss the pirates that were roasted, toasted, and burnt to a crisp. So much for that big speech on the efficient use of troops.
I'm not here to tell the truth, I'm here to clean up the messes.
When I move to clean up a failed biological test subject from the labs and hear two scientists arguing what gender Mother Brain is, I don't tell them they're both morons who shouldn't be within ten feet of such delicate equipment. I just pick up the parts and digest the excess. I move on, and I do it all the time. If I was given a time for every credit that happened... uh... or however that human saying goes. I haven't heard it many times, but I'm positive it applies to me.
So when Ygert, part of the Metroid wranglers, accidentally lets two free and they go on an energy sucking spree... he now owes me one. And I mean he really owes me. Eating five piles of ash really makes it hard to swallow after awhile. I have to take a detour to Maridia and gulp down a couple gallons of water to clean out all that crap, and it doesn't help that Draygon is already overly touchy about her water. But it hasn't been the worse thing I've been asked to dispose of via my bottomless stomach.
Why's that you wonder? Mostly because my stomachs are vats of acid. I can digest anything and everything if I can slide it down my throat. You could say I wasn't always this smart. When I was young and not recruited by Mother Brain, I drank from the pool of acid in my lair one too many times. I thought it was just hot, so I kept at it for years. Until Mother Brain needed someone to assist Ridley in Norfair and let me in on the chemical... uh... chemical compost of the orange lake in my home.
But if you want to look for the cruelest of the cruel when it comes to the other guys. That'd be Ridley easy. He's got this thing against me... what-do-you-call-it? A fudge or whatnot? Something like that. I'm not entirely sure. All I know is that he hates me, probably because a lot of the other pirates associate me with him. Maybe he thinks I somehow reflect him? Plus he's always been really angry about my body size. Hey, you eat things for a living, and you'll grow a bit of a stomach too.
Ridley always seems to have a stalagmite up his ass about something when he's around me. Like this one time, when he fried one of Mother Brain's experimental plants he called me in to get rid of it before he was found out. That plant must have been a hundred feet long and five feet thick. I felt like I was slurping up an oversized piece of spaghetti. And when I did get it all the way down, one of the pirates informed me Ridley was supposed to fry the plant since they had made the experiment successful on another site.
That dog demmad Ridley, he's such a piece of tihs. Or uh... however that goes. Been awhile since I heard someone talk like that around here. All I know is that it isn't positive, so it must be good for describing someone you don't like. I think it's a human thing. Ridley's always shoving me around, like I'm his assistant or something. Just cause I happen to live in Norfair too, that doesn't make him superior over me cause he has wings and is Mother Brain's favorite underling. Or is he in charge?
Or at least it shouldn't be like that. I do know that officially, I'm his subordinate as far as rank goes. Cause I live in Norfair... that isn't fair. It's always a big deal when someone from the surface calls me up, so I can get as far away from that winged... winged... uh... that winged thing as I possibly can. Course, knowing my luck, it can't be too good if Phantoon is involved. He's freaky. Mostly because he isn't even alive. We didn't even know he was there for the longest time cause he was so elusive.
That ship of his is spooky too. You think the caverns of Norfair is bad during a seismic shock. You haven't seen anything until you've been inside the Wrecked Ship. The thing doesn't even operate for anyone unless Phantoon sees to it. I heard he's always going on about his "old body" whatever that means. So, the last time I went up there he had a special request.
"You want me to eat what?" I stuttered.
We were in the engine rooms when I finally found him. His body wasn't even solid, it was just this transparent mass. It reminded me of a busted monitor in the laboratories where it's all flashy and impossible to get a clear picture in.
"You heard me." Phantoon whispered in his spooky voice. "You are the living garbage disposal are you not? Ridley told me you could be of service."
One day, I'm gonna eat Ridley's tail when he's sleeping. I wouldn't live to see tomorrow, but the expression on his face would be cheap... uh... I mean priceful- priceless- timeful- or however that saying goes.
"So, don't stand there. Go to work. My old body is getting contaminated." Phantoon told me again.
He was making reference to this moldy glowing green thing in the corner of the engine room closest to the soggy mess that was Maridia. It looked radioactive, and I forgot what happened last time I swallowed something that was radioactive. I can't remember if I had to report to the labs for surgery... or maybe that was when I swallowed the active plasma bomb... Hm... I don't remember to well.
"That doesn't look very digestible. Maybe you should get a cleanup crew from Tourian."
"Ridley would love to hear that you're not cooperating." Phantoon laughed. "You might get sent to the Phazon mines when he's through with you."
"Pha-za-whats-it?" I said to myself.
"Trust me." He cackled. "You want to do this job. But of course, it's just as well watching the scales fall off of your body due to-"
I had to stop him there. Phantoon had a habit of ranting on about gruesome stuff for some reason. The last pirate who stuck around for his lecture didn't eat for weeks. He said the visualizations were too fresh in his memory. He said it was the most horrible thing he's ever heard before. Like Phantoon had gone to hell and sent back a postcard. If that happened to me and I lost my appetite, then I wouldn't be worth keeping around anymore. Eating leftovers is my life.
"Fine." I growled. "I'll eat the throbbing glowing mass of... whatever it is."
"Delicious." Phantoon chuckled. "Bon appetite."
I hoped this wouldn't be as bad as it looked, as I picked it up and prepared to drop it down my throat. Phantoon warped out of the area as soon as I swallowed it.
I should have never put that thing in my mouth.
For the next six hours I was hallucinating chickens all over the planet... whatever the hell those things are. I think Phantoon mentioned something about how they were like Chozos, only a whole lot smaller and only found on earth. All I knew is that stuff I had just eaten, wasn't your normal biological waste. It was something Phantoon coughed up when the planets in a far away galaxy aligned or something. Turns out he's sensitive to spiritual stuff like that.
He is one seriously screwed up collection of ectoplasm.
It's hard to say if Phantoon is better or worse than Ridley on a bad day. All I know is that I'm guaranteed a throbbing headache when Ridley is done with me. There's not much I can do back to him, since he's my superior. But even without looking at that. The guy has wings and a long sharp tail... and he's got those claws! Geez... I've seen his work first hand whenever some pirate tries to badmouth him. There's not much left except slivers of whoever was putting up the argument. So, I usually feel fortunate when I come out with all my limbs attached.
Course what could he do to me when I'm the guy who cleans up all the messes around here?
I'm never afraid of mouthing off, because there is a seemingly endless supply of morons who try and infiltrate our fortress. All my aggression is saved for those guys trying take our technology or preserve some ancient Chozo piece of junk. We own Zebes now, and everyone else is just a walking appetizer. Especially those adventurer types who try and claim they don't want trouble. That they're only there for the artifacts. For some reason, they always taste sour.
Mmmmm... Makes my mouth water just thinking about it. I have to say the humans are the best tasting organism I've ever chewed on. Where as our dead pirates are all crunchy and dry, humans have this creamy red center. What did Kraid say it was? Blood or whatnot? He's always complaining about the mess humans make when he steps on them in Brinstar. Says it gets all over his scaly hide. So, I take mine in one gulp.
But lately I've heard of this one human that's got everyone else in an uproar about. I think her name was Samus... Aplan? No... it was... uh... Argan? Aran? Man? Ah, forget it. I don't need to know human names anyway, they're so long and complicated. Apparently she's a bounty hunter, and a tough one at that. I heard she was the one responsible for messing up Zebes the first time. She's the reason why I got recruited to dispose of contaminates in the base.
I wonder what this Samus thing tastes like? Hm, probably like all the other humans except there's a big metal suit protecting her. Guess it's like those rations I see near the surface. You gotta open up the can before getting the good stuff on the inside. I tried to ask Ridley about her one day, and he told me to "shut your slimy mouth and get back to your position". He was real touchy about this Samus human. I bet he's still probably mad he lost to her the first time they fought.
Well, if she's anything like those Galactic Federation humans, she'll just be a glorified side dish. Heh, Ridley won't know a thing. He's always running errands for Mother Brain, and I'm always crawling all over the planet. So I'll find her first, and then I'll have my meal.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" I heard someone ask me.
I looked up from the tiny computer screen, where I was looking over my entry in the log book. Ridley was craning his neck up and around my shoulder. He could see the screen perfectly. Ah... uh oh. His eyes widened when he got down to the part about Samus... uh... the part about the Samus human. Uh... Phantoon mentioned some phrase like "oh cap." for situations like these... or was it crap?
"Pathetic." Ridley scoffed.
He began to laugh his evil smooth laughs. The kind you'd associate with someone as crazy as Phantoon. Then he reached down with one of his sharp claws and gave the "delete" key a smooth click. My entry had been erased.
"Make better use of your off time filing reports, instead of your fantasies." He snorted in my face. "Our loyal janitor."
Ridley took off as I stared at the blank screen. All my work was gone. What could I do? Other than start over again. Let's see... oh... I forgot where I began...
"Ridley... is... a... lousy... little... weak... two... legged... Chozo." I muttered while starting over.
I'm in Crateria. Then Tourian. Maridia. Wrecked Ship. Brinstar. Upper Norfair. Lower Norfair. Ridley's Lair. Kraid's Lair. This is my life, and it's taken one meal at a time. It doesn't matter how much crap I get from everyone else. As long as Mother Brain exists, there will be plenty of humans to eat. Yum yum. And it makes my mouth water just thinking about it...
-Log Entry Timed Out
--Closing Crocomire Log
---Next Entry: Phantoon
--The Space Pirate Log Book
---Entry 3: The Norfiar Janitor, Crocomire
Ridley gets off the mother ship at Zebes and roasts ten guys because they weren't doing their patrol routines. He wasn't supposed to off so many guys at once and needs a good cover story. I show up five minutes later, devour the evidence and make quick with the brainstorming. Now it wasn't Ridley's reckless rage anymore, it was simply ten pirates who hung around far too long in the superheated sections of Norfair. It's their fault, not his and the world keeps turning.
I'm known as Crocomire. This is my job. I'm the one-man designated Zebian planetary clean up crew. Ok, so I'm not a man, but you get the point. I clean up accidents, and they're big ones if it concerns Ridley or any other higher ups. Mother Brain tries to run a tight ship you know? Or is it tight planet? Oh well. She's tough on the mass execution of fellow pirates. But when I show up, all she hears are tales of incompetence and carelessness. Now she doesn't even miss the pirates that were roasted, toasted, and burnt to a crisp. So much for that big speech on the efficient use of troops.
I'm not here to tell the truth, I'm here to clean up the messes.
When I move to clean up a failed biological test subject from the labs and hear two scientists arguing what gender Mother Brain is, I don't tell them they're both morons who shouldn't be within ten feet of such delicate equipment. I just pick up the parts and digest the excess. I move on, and I do it all the time. If I was given a time for every credit that happened... uh... or however that human saying goes. I haven't heard it many times, but I'm positive it applies to me.
So when Ygert, part of the Metroid wranglers, accidentally lets two free and they go on an energy sucking spree... he now owes me one. And I mean he really owes me. Eating five piles of ash really makes it hard to swallow after awhile. I have to take a detour to Maridia and gulp down a couple gallons of water to clean out all that crap, and it doesn't help that Draygon is already overly touchy about her water. But it hasn't been the worse thing I've been asked to dispose of via my bottomless stomach.
Why's that you wonder? Mostly because my stomachs are vats of acid. I can digest anything and everything if I can slide it down my throat. You could say I wasn't always this smart. When I was young and not recruited by Mother Brain, I drank from the pool of acid in my lair one too many times. I thought it was just hot, so I kept at it for years. Until Mother Brain needed someone to assist Ridley in Norfair and let me in on the chemical... uh... chemical compost of the orange lake in my home.
But if you want to look for the cruelest of the cruel when it comes to the other guys. That'd be Ridley easy. He's got this thing against me... what-do-you-call-it? A fudge or whatnot? Something like that. I'm not entirely sure. All I know is that he hates me, probably because a lot of the other pirates associate me with him. Maybe he thinks I somehow reflect him? Plus he's always been really angry about my body size. Hey, you eat things for a living, and you'll grow a bit of a stomach too.
Ridley always seems to have a stalagmite up his ass about something when he's around me. Like this one time, when he fried one of Mother Brain's experimental plants he called me in to get rid of it before he was found out. That plant must have been a hundred feet long and five feet thick. I felt like I was slurping up an oversized piece of spaghetti. And when I did get it all the way down, one of the pirates informed me Ridley was supposed to fry the plant since they had made the experiment successful on another site.
That dog demmad Ridley, he's such a piece of tihs. Or uh... however that goes. Been awhile since I heard someone talk like that around here. All I know is that it isn't positive, so it must be good for describing someone you don't like. I think it's a human thing. Ridley's always shoving me around, like I'm his assistant or something. Just cause I happen to live in Norfair too, that doesn't make him superior over me cause he has wings and is Mother Brain's favorite underling. Or is he in charge?
Or at least it shouldn't be like that. I do know that officially, I'm his subordinate as far as rank goes. Cause I live in Norfair... that isn't fair. It's always a big deal when someone from the surface calls me up, so I can get as far away from that winged... winged... uh... that winged thing as I possibly can. Course, knowing my luck, it can't be too good if Phantoon is involved. He's freaky. Mostly because he isn't even alive. We didn't even know he was there for the longest time cause he was so elusive.
That ship of his is spooky too. You think the caverns of Norfair is bad during a seismic shock. You haven't seen anything until you've been inside the Wrecked Ship. The thing doesn't even operate for anyone unless Phantoon sees to it. I heard he's always going on about his "old body" whatever that means. So, the last time I went up there he had a special request.
"You want me to eat what?" I stuttered.
We were in the engine rooms when I finally found him. His body wasn't even solid, it was just this transparent mass. It reminded me of a busted monitor in the laboratories where it's all flashy and impossible to get a clear picture in.
"You heard me." Phantoon whispered in his spooky voice. "You are the living garbage disposal are you not? Ridley told me you could be of service."
One day, I'm gonna eat Ridley's tail when he's sleeping. I wouldn't live to see tomorrow, but the expression on his face would be cheap... uh... I mean priceful- priceless- timeful- or however that saying goes.
"So, don't stand there. Go to work. My old body is getting contaminated." Phantoon told me again.
He was making reference to this moldy glowing green thing in the corner of the engine room closest to the soggy mess that was Maridia. It looked radioactive, and I forgot what happened last time I swallowed something that was radioactive. I can't remember if I had to report to the labs for surgery... or maybe that was when I swallowed the active plasma bomb... Hm... I don't remember to well.
"That doesn't look very digestible. Maybe you should get a cleanup crew from Tourian."
"Ridley would love to hear that you're not cooperating." Phantoon laughed. "You might get sent to the Phazon mines when he's through with you."
"Pha-za-whats-it?" I said to myself.
"Trust me." He cackled. "You want to do this job. But of course, it's just as well watching the scales fall off of your body due to-"
I had to stop him there. Phantoon had a habit of ranting on about gruesome stuff for some reason. The last pirate who stuck around for his lecture didn't eat for weeks. He said the visualizations were too fresh in his memory. He said it was the most horrible thing he's ever heard before. Like Phantoon had gone to hell and sent back a postcard. If that happened to me and I lost my appetite, then I wouldn't be worth keeping around anymore. Eating leftovers is my life.
"Fine." I growled. "I'll eat the throbbing glowing mass of... whatever it is."
"Delicious." Phantoon chuckled. "Bon appetite."
I hoped this wouldn't be as bad as it looked, as I picked it up and prepared to drop it down my throat. Phantoon warped out of the area as soon as I swallowed it.
I should have never put that thing in my mouth.
For the next six hours I was hallucinating chickens all over the planet... whatever the hell those things are. I think Phantoon mentioned something about how they were like Chozos, only a whole lot smaller and only found on earth. All I knew is that stuff I had just eaten, wasn't your normal biological waste. It was something Phantoon coughed up when the planets in a far away galaxy aligned or something. Turns out he's sensitive to spiritual stuff like that.
He is one seriously screwed up collection of ectoplasm.
It's hard to say if Phantoon is better or worse than Ridley on a bad day. All I know is that I'm guaranteed a throbbing headache when Ridley is done with me. There's not much I can do back to him, since he's my superior. But even without looking at that. The guy has wings and a long sharp tail... and he's got those claws! Geez... I've seen his work first hand whenever some pirate tries to badmouth him. There's not much left except slivers of whoever was putting up the argument. So, I usually feel fortunate when I come out with all my limbs attached.
Course what could he do to me when I'm the guy who cleans up all the messes around here?
I'm never afraid of mouthing off, because there is a seemingly endless supply of morons who try and infiltrate our fortress. All my aggression is saved for those guys trying take our technology or preserve some ancient Chozo piece of junk. We own Zebes now, and everyone else is just a walking appetizer. Especially those adventurer types who try and claim they don't want trouble. That they're only there for the artifacts. For some reason, they always taste sour.
Mmmmm... Makes my mouth water just thinking about it. I have to say the humans are the best tasting organism I've ever chewed on. Where as our dead pirates are all crunchy and dry, humans have this creamy red center. What did Kraid say it was? Blood or whatnot? He's always complaining about the mess humans make when he steps on them in Brinstar. Says it gets all over his scaly hide. So, I take mine in one gulp.
But lately I've heard of this one human that's got everyone else in an uproar about. I think her name was Samus... Aplan? No... it was... uh... Argan? Aran? Man? Ah, forget it. I don't need to know human names anyway, they're so long and complicated. Apparently she's a bounty hunter, and a tough one at that. I heard she was the one responsible for messing up Zebes the first time. She's the reason why I got recruited to dispose of contaminates in the base.
I wonder what this Samus thing tastes like? Hm, probably like all the other humans except there's a big metal suit protecting her. Guess it's like those rations I see near the surface. You gotta open up the can before getting the good stuff on the inside. I tried to ask Ridley about her one day, and he told me to "shut your slimy mouth and get back to your position". He was real touchy about this Samus human. I bet he's still probably mad he lost to her the first time they fought.
Well, if she's anything like those Galactic Federation humans, she'll just be a glorified side dish. Heh, Ridley won't know a thing. He's always running errands for Mother Brain, and I'm always crawling all over the planet. So I'll find her first, and then I'll have my meal.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" I heard someone ask me.
I looked up from the tiny computer screen, where I was looking over my entry in the log book. Ridley was craning his neck up and around my shoulder. He could see the screen perfectly. Ah... uh oh. His eyes widened when he got down to the part about Samus... uh... the part about the Samus human. Uh... Phantoon mentioned some phrase like "oh cap." for situations like these... or was it crap?
"Pathetic." Ridley scoffed.
He began to laugh his evil smooth laughs. The kind you'd associate with someone as crazy as Phantoon. Then he reached down with one of his sharp claws and gave the "delete" key a smooth click. My entry had been erased.
"Make better use of your off time filing reports, instead of your fantasies." He snorted in my face. "Our loyal janitor."
Ridley took off as I stared at the blank screen. All my work was gone. What could I do? Other than start over again. Let's see... oh... I forgot where I began...
"Ridley... is... a... lousy... little... weak... two... legged... Chozo." I muttered while starting over.
I'm in Crateria. Then Tourian. Maridia. Wrecked Ship. Brinstar. Upper Norfair. Lower Norfair. Ridley's Lair. Kraid's Lair. This is my life, and it's taken one meal at a time. It doesn't matter how much crap I get from everyone else. As long as Mother Brain exists, there will be plenty of humans to eat. Yum yum. And it makes my mouth water just thinking about it...
-Log Entry Timed Out
--Closing Crocomire Log
---Next Entry: Phantoon