Chapter Seven-- Hogwarts Awake and Several Movies Clash
It was about 4:30 a.m. the next day when Professor Trelawney woke up on the stage (which was where they had to sleep), crawled out of her sleeping bag, grabbed her 'I Heart Premonitions' coffee mug, and wobbled upstage, where she aimed for the stairs, but instead fell right over the edge with a small shriek. Amazingly, no one woke up, and Sibyll just lay there for a minute in a crumpled heap of white cotton nightgown, beads, chiffon scarves, and hair. ((A/N: The way I imagine it, Professor Trelawney has a LOTTA hair on her head.)) Her coffee mug was a few inches away, and, untangling herself, she picked it up, gave an almighty yawn, and scratched her head sleepily, wondering 'Where in hell do they keep the percolator??'
At that moment Hermione sat bolt upright under her quilt, which was thrown over her head. She looked around, surprised at the lack of light and spouting gibberish as usual. Fred woke instantly and pulled the quilt off Hermione's head, not too sure he liked this 'Temporary Official Caretaker' schtick. Noticing Professor Trelawney, he yawned and said, "Professor? What're you doing?"
"...Coffee..."
"I don't think there is any." Tilting his head a bit he added, "where'd you get the nifty mug?"
"Bought it." Professor Trelawney was still largely incapable of putting together complete sentences.
Professor Sprout shifted a little in her sleeping bag. "Harry... go away... step-dance...NO..." She snorted loudly and dug her face into the wood floor. "Josephinianne... scary... must slap... stupid boy..."
Fred did everyone a favor and smacked her with a leftover tuna.
Sprout jolted awake, looking around. A hairnet was perched on top of her head, almost about to fall off. She didn't have any of her usual 3" of makeup on, and looked... uhh...
"OH THE PAIN!!" Screeched Professor Trelawney, Fred, and Hermione in unison, covering their eyes. Actually, Hermione only screeched, being still unable to shape actual English words.
Professor Sprout scowled and glared at them, only making matters worse. Fred and Hermione staggered off the stage and collapsed on top of Professor Trelawney, effectively knocking her out cold and breaking the beloved 'I Heart Premonitions' coffee cup.
Finally, the herbology professor magicked herself so that she was make-upped, dressed for the daytime, and ready to leave the building.
Fred peered through a finger. Hermione whimpered slightly because he was sitting on top of her, and a Rubik's cube was caught in her hair. Fred promptly stood up and helped Hermione off of Professor Trelawney, staring at the cataleptic teacher. "Did we kill her?"
"No, I don't think so, Fred," said Professor Sprout, walking down the stairs to take a look. She pulled the Rubik's cube out of Hermione's hair with some distaste. "Too bad, though. I think she's a jinx...."
At that moment, an air horn rang out from the sound booth into the intercom system and everyone who was still asleep woke with a start and jumped about ten feet in the air, falling off of the stage and landing in a heap on top of Professor Sprout, Fred, Hermione, and Sibyll Trelawney. "AAHH!"
After a while, everyone found that they couldn't get up without a helluva lot of effort. "Someone's pinching my bum," announced Harry at random. Professor Sprout's hand reached up from below another four people and brained him with the omnipresent Rubik's cube.
A voice sounded over the intercom. "Rise and shine, ya babies!!" It was that of the manager. "It's already 4:43! You've wasted nearly five hours of the day on sleep!!"
"But, sir," came the muffled voice of Professor Sprout, "we need to sleep at least five hours a day. It's just what humans do."
"Yeah, yeah, now just get out of your little love huddle there and clear the stage! You've got to rehearse; your first performance is tonight!!"
With some major struggle, Professor Sprout managed to grab her wand, which was a few feet away, and blast the students off of her, sending them flying in all directions. Harry hit the sound booth, and Tiger ended up on a lighting fixture. Fred, George, and Hermione were flung back against the wall of the stage. Professor Trelawney struck the ceiling and speedily fell back to earth.
"Well... that solves that," said Professor Sprout, dusting herself off as Tiger fell off the chandelier screaming. Luckily for her, the now- comatose body of Professor Trelawney broke her fall.
The manager glanced up, noticing the last sentence of the last paragraph. "Great," he said into the microphone, "now she's in a coma. What're we gonna do??"
"Uh... call an ambulance?" Suggested Harry as he somersaulted happily back down to the stage.
"Nonsense," said Professor Sprout, conjuring up a stretcher and magical IV and hooking Sibyll up with the medicine. "Fred, George, Hermione, you wheel her backstage. Harry, stop putting your foot behind your ear and get over here. We need to roll up the sleeping bags. Tiger... uhh... you get over here, too."
Within minutes the stage was clean and free of debris, and Professor Trelawney was backstage with all of the rubbish piled on top of her. "...Well, at least she won't catch cold," Fred observed upon seeing the excessive quantity of blankets, pillows, and sleeping bags covering the teacher.
The manager finally left the sound booth and came backstage with them as they all gathered around the glaringly-out-of-place hospital bed. "Well crap," he said, "what're we gonna do now?? We need another person for the show."
Just then, the author heard their cries and decided to do something about it, and the sky (not to mention ceiling) opened and a teenager and a young woman were both catapulted screaming onto the stage. The teenager was wearing jeans, a t-shirt, hiking boots, and a bright yellow rain slicker. The woman was wearing what appeared to be a prison uniform, and had her hair bobbed in what must have been very fashionable in the 20's. Needless to say, they too looked glaringly-out-of-place.
Everyone ran out onto the stage to see the teen sit up, dazed, and rub her head. She looked oddly familiar... "RUBI!?!? And... SOME OTHER PERSON!?!?" Professor Sprout pulled a can of pepper spray from her purse that just appeared nearby and pointed it at the teen.
"NOT GUILTY!!" The woman screeched.
"Wait!" The teenager screamed at Sprout hurriedly. "I'M NOT RUBI!!"
Harry looked confused, though he sort of always did. "Then who are you? And who's that?"
"Um, I'm Alice, Rubi's 'Chicago' themed alter-ego, and this is Katalin Helinski. Just call her Hunyak." She stood up, dusted off her jeans, and beamed at the Harry Potter people.
Hunyak stood up and looked around, blinking. "Not guilty."
Alice whispered to Professor Sprout behind her hand, "That's all the English she knows."
Professor Sprout threw her hands in the air. "Well, just peachy. Does she even know what I'm saying now??"
"Yeah, through some sort of loophole that the story really couldn't fly without."
"Ah, I see."
"Nifty," said Harry.
Just then, Xena, Warrior Princess, appeared randomly. "AAHHHEEEYYYAAAAAAAHHHEEEEAAAHHHYYYYAAAAAHHHAAHHEEHHHHEEEHHAHAAHHAHH!!" She screeched, for the author has no idea what the 'Xena yell' actually sounds like.
Everyone collapsed, twitching, as Xena disappeared. "...ow," said Tiger after about five minutes, since she pretty much sucks at expressing any emotion whatsoever.
"Yippee! That ouch," replied Harry, sitting up and looking around. Professor Sprout threw her Rubik's cube at him.
Hunyak jabbered something in Hungarian... and to everyone's astonishment, Hermione replied to her with gibberish! Everyone stared at them, jaws dropped. Professor Sprout staggered over to Alice and picked her up by the front of the shirt. "What did they say!?"
"How am I supposed to know, I don't speak Hungarian OR gibberish!!"
"Well then, we need someone who does!"
And again, the author called upon Deus Ex Machina to send them a translator. Hans the alternate narrator appeared and took his place in the invisible Hungarian/gibberish-translation-booth that is in my head. "Howdy!" Hans shouted.
"Howdy!" Harry shouted back.
"Olla!" said Alice.
"Moofy!" yelled Tiger.
"Okay okay, enough with the howdy, tell us what Hunyak and Hermione said!!" shouted Professor Sprout.
"Okay, fine. Jeez..." Hans muttered and sifted through his paperwork. "Ahh, Hunyak said 'I hope that doesn't happen too often here,' and Hermione responded with 'Your gerbil dances with spinach under the light of the Cheez-Whiz moon."
"Great," said George, "It doesn't make sense even when translated!!"
Hermione said something. "Cheery spoonful of North Carolina applesauce," Hans translated.
"Did someone say 'APPLESAUCE'!?" Harry shouted, looking around wildly.
"Yes, and here," said the manager, throwing some at him. It hit him in the face. "Mm, applesauce-ey," Harry said.
At that moment, Voldemort, otherwise known as Tom Riddle, You-Know- Who, etc, etc... appeared on the stage in a poof of smoke!
"You-Know-Who!" shouted Fred.
"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!" yelled George.
"That guy!" screeched Professor Sprout.
"Toto ate the rotten avocado!" Hans translated for Hermione.
"ENOUGH!!" Voldemort boomed above them all, as the smoke slowly disappeared.
"YAY!" yelled Alice, clapping her hands. Professor Sprout grabbed her by one of the two braids in her hair.
"What do you mean, 'YAY??'"
"It's Voldie-poo!!"
Voldemort looked over at her and jumped slightly. "You! You're supposed to be dead!!"
Alice shrugged away from Professor Sprout and grinned rather mischievously at the Dark Lord, stepping around and leaning momentarily on an imaginary pile of gold. "Am I not? ...oh, wait, wrong movie." She paused and blinked thoughtfully. Hunyak took the opportunity to give Professor Sprout the universal 'she's somewhat crazy' sign with one finger.
"I don't have time for this," said Voldemort (whose name is really pronounced 'Vol-de-more' according to J.K., so THERE.), pulling out his wand and pointing it at Harry, who was busy trying to lick a bit of applesauce off his nose. "Just let me kill the brat."
"Fine by me," said Professor Sprout. Fred smacked her. She hexed him on a reflex.
"Ooh!" Alice said again, happily. "What're you going to kill him with??"
"Hah?" replied the most evil literary villain since that one big eye thing terrorized that one little midget dude... you know what I'm talking about....
"You know! You're the most powerful evil villain that Harry here knows! With powers comparable to Harry!"
Everyone looked confused and somewhat scared as she continued.
"What powers, you ask? How about the power of flight, that do anything for ya? That's levitation! How 'bout the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away.... with MIND-BULLETS!! That's telekinesis, Hunyak."
Voldemort looked perplexed.
"How about the power.... to move you??" One could almost hear the funky guitar solo.
"Shut it, Muggle." Voldemort said, wand still pointed at Harry. He grinned at the bespectacled goofball. "It ends now."
Harry just now noticed the looming danger and looked up at You-Know- Who. "Er... hi?"
"History of Wonderboy.... and Young Nastyman!! Rig-a-doo-doo, rig-a- doo-doo!" Alice sang from somewhere to the side. "A secret to be told, a gold chest to be bold, and blasting off with three-part harmony! GO!-- AAACK!" Voldemort hexed her unconscious before sending a blast of purple light at Harry. Alice skidded off the stage and into the orchestra pit, landing in the unoccupied brass section.
He dodged it and stood up, glaring at Voldemort before.... turning and running away. But wait! Harry ran to the nearest wall, sprinted right up, and flipped off backwards, landing on Voldemort's bald head! "MOOHAHAHAH!" Everyone cheered... until Voldemort rolled his eyes, picked Harry off of him, and kicked the boy in the shins (With very little effort, I might add). "Owwwww!!" Harry yelled, hopping on one foot. "09432o8iygkafvg9075r3!!"
"I got the 'Owwwww,' but what was the '09432o8iygkafvg9075r3' for?" asked Hans.
"No clue," said Professor Sprout.
Voldemort then threw away his wand, which had been snapped in two by Harry, and pulled out... a SPORK!!
Harry saw this, and, recovering quickly as he often does, pulled out a spork of his own! Voldemort glared at the boy and pressed a hidden button on his spork, causing a beam of red light to spout from the pronged end and transforming it into the very lethal, if a bit absurd, SPORKSABER! (That's the idea George Lucas first had, before I convinced him to go with the more popular alternative, you know. However, I got the copyrights to this baby, so HAH!! Take THAT, Ewok Man!! I am all powerful!!) Harry mimicked this, with the same result, and they went to battle! Everyone else took seats in the audience, conjured up buckets of popcorn, and watched.
The SPORKSABER fight continued for about an hour without much progress for either arch-enemy (and lots of pacing menacingly behind imaginary force-fields), until Harry suddenly lunged forward and his SPORKSABER sliced up a part of Voldemort's robe sleeve! Voldemort faltered, looked at his sleeve, and his lip quivered. "My... my sleeve.... Nooooooooo!!!" He clicked off his SPORKSABER and began sobbing in Harry's general direction. "You're so hurtful!!" He then snapped his fingers and disappeared in a slightly smaller puff of smoke than last time.
"Woooonderbooooy... what is the secret of your powers....?" Alice warbled from beneath a tuba, just waking up. She looked around, smiling absently. "What'd I miss?"
Harry de-activated his SPORKSABER and jumped up and down, clapping his hands. "Eeeeeeee!! I defeated Voldemort AGAIN!!"
Professor Sprout climbed back onstage and clapped Harry on the back, nearly bowling him over. "Good show, ya stupid kid!" She then pulled a large box from behind her back. (It spontaneously appeared, by the way.) She held it out to Harry. "Here you go, for defeating Voldemort!"
"Oh, wow, you really didn't have to! Oh golly gee," said Harry, taking the box and opening it to reveal a pair of bright pink patent leather platform shoes with 14" wooden soles and silver plastic buckles. Tying them together were black shoelaces with lime green aglets. Harry's eyes began to water with joy. "They're lovely!!" He immediately kicked off his own shoes--one of which hit Hans in the face--and put on the platform shoes, now much taller than anyone else there. "Thank you-- thank you all!" He said tearfully, wobbling over to try and give Professor Sprout a hug. She dodged it and Harry overbalanced and fell to the floor.
"Stop throwing computers at me, mister squirrel chow!" Hans interpreted from Hermione.
"Not guilty," said Hunyak, shaking her head.
"I hear ya," Alice replied.
******
A/N: Well, there ya have it. The seventh chapter! *Eyes tear up* This is the longest story I've ever kept up.... *Snif* It's all thanks to YOU!! *Hugs the reviewers* I've almost got 50 reviews! I can't believe it! *Holds out a tray of cookies* Here. Take one. I owe ya.
Oh yeah, and ten points go to whoever can tell me what an aglet is. That and/or a hemidemisemiquaver. (I think it's spelled like that.) (And YES, it is a real thing.)
It was about 4:30 a.m. the next day when Professor Trelawney woke up on the stage (which was where they had to sleep), crawled out of her sleeping bag, grabbed her 'I Heart Premonitions' coffee mug, and wobbled upstage, where she aimed for the stairs, but instead fell right over the edge with a small shriek. Amazingly, no one woke up, and Sibyll just lay there for a minute in a crumpled heap of white cotton nightgown, beads, chiffon scarves, and hair. ((A/N: The way I imagine it, Professor Trelawney has a LOTTA hair on her head.)) Her coffee mug was a few inches away, and, untangling herself, she picked it up, gave an almighty yawn, and scratched her head sleepily, wondering 'Where in hell do they keep the percolator??'
At that moment Hermione sat bolt upright under her quilt, which was thrown over her head. She looked around, surprised at the lack of light and spouting gibberish as usual. Fred woke instantly and pulled the quilt off Hermione's head, not too sure he liked this 'Temporary Official Caretaker' schtick. Noticing Professor Trelawney, he yawned and said, "Professor? What're you doing?"
"...Coffee..."
"I don't think there is any." Tilting his head a bit he added, "where'd you get the nifty mug?"
"Bought it." Professor Trelawney was still largely incapable of putting together complete sentences.
Professor Sprout shifted a little in her sleeping bag. "Harry... go away... step-dance...NO..." She snorted loudly and dug her face into the wood floor. "Josephinianne... scary... must slap... stupid boy..."
Fred did everyone a favor and smacked her with a leftover tuna.
Sprout jolted awake, looking around. A hairnet was perched on top of her head, almost about to fall off. She didn't have any of her usual 3" of makeup on, and looked... uhh...
"OH THE PAIN!!" Screeched Professor Trelawney, Fred, and Hermione in unison, covering their eyes. Actually, Hermione only screeched, being still unable to shape actual English words.
Professor Sprout scowled and glared at them, only making matters worse. Fred and Hermione staggered off the stage and collapsed on top of Professor Trelawney, effectively knocking her out cold and breaking the beloved 'I Heart Premonitions' coffee cup.
Finally, the herbology professor magicked herself so that she was make-upped, dressed for the daytime, and ready to leave the building.
Fred peered through a finger. Hermione whimpered slightly because he was sitting on top of her, and a Rubik's cube was caught in her hair. Fred promptly stood up and helped Hermione off of Professor Trelawney, staring at the cataleptic teacher. "Did we kill her?"
"No, I don't think so, Fred," said Professor Sprout, walking down the stairs to take a look. She pulled the Rubik's cube out of Hermione's hair with some distaste. "Too bad, though. I think she's a jinx...."
At that moment, an air horn rang out from the sound booth into the intercom system and everyone who was still asleep woke with a start and jumped about ten feet in the air, falling off of the stage and landing in a heap on top of Professor Sprout, Fred, Hermione, and Sibyll Trelawney. "AAHH!"
After a while, everyone found that they couldn't get up without a helluva lot of effort. "Someone's pinching my bum," announced Harry at random. Professor Sprout's hand reached up from below another four people and brained him with the omnipresent Rubik's cube.
A voice sounded over the intercom. "Rise and shine, ya babies!!" It was that of the manager. "It's already 4:43! You've wasted nearly five hours of the day on sleep!!"
"But, sir," came the muffled voice of Professor Sprout, "we need to sleep at least five hours a day. It's just what humans do."
"Yeah, yeah, now just get out of your little love huddle there and clear the stage! You've got to rehearse; your first performance is tonight!!"
With some major struggle, Professor Sprout managed to grab her wand, which was a few feet away, and blast the students off of her, sending them flying in all directions. Harry hit the sound booth, and Tiger ended up on a lighting fixture. Fred, George, and Hermione were flung back against the wall of the stage. Professor Trelawney struck the ceiling and speedily fell back to earth.
"Well... that solves that," said Professor Sprout, dusting herself off as Tiger fell off the chandelier screaming. Luckily for her, the now- comatose body of Professor Trelawney broke her fall.
The manager glanced up, noticing the last sentence of the last paragraph. "Great," he said into the microphone, "now she's in a coma. What're we gonna do??"
"Uh... call an ambulance?" Suggested Harry as he somersaulted happily back down to the stage.
"Nonsense," said Professor Sprout, conjuring up a stretcher and magical IV and hooking Sibyll up with the medicine. "Fred, George, Hermione, you wheel her backstage. Harry, stop putting your foot behind your ear and get over here. We need to roll up the sleeping bags. Tiger... uhh... you get over here, too."
Within minutes the stage was clean and free of debris, and Professor Trelawney was backstage with all of the rubbish piled on top of her. "...Well, at least she won't catch cold," Fred observed upon seeing the excessive quantity of blankets, pillows, and sleeping bags covering the teacher.
The manager finally left the sound booth and came backstage with them as they all gathered around the glaringly-out-of-place hospital bed. "Well crap," he said, "what're we gonna do now?? We need another person for the show."
Just then, the author heard their cries and decided to do something about it, and the sky (not to mention ceiling) opened and a teenager and a young woman were both catapulted screaming onto the stage. The teenager was wearing jeans, a t-shirt, hiking boots, and a bright yellow rain slicker. The woman was wearing what appeared to be a prison uniform, and had her hair bobbed in what must have been very fashionable in the 20's. Needless to say, they too looked glaringly-out-of-place.
Everyone ran out onto the stage to see the teen sit up, dazed, and rub her head. She looked oddly familiar... "RUBI!?!? And... SOME OTHER PERSON!?!?" Professor Sprout pulled a can of pepper spray from her purse that just appeared nearby and pointed it at the teen.
"NOT GUILTY!!" The woman screeched.
"Wait!" The teenager screamed at Sprout hurriedly. "I'M NOT RUBI!!"
Harry looked confused, though he sort of always did. "Then who are you? And who's that?"
"Um, I'm Alice, Rubi's 'Chicago' themed alter-ego, and this is Katalin Helinski. Just call her Hunyak." She stood up, dusted off her jeans, and beamed at the Harry Potter people.
Hunyak stood up and looked around, blinking. "Not guilty."
Alice whispered to Professor Sprout behind her hand, "That's all the English she knows."
Professor Sprout threw her hands in the air. "Well, just peachy. Does she even know what I'm saying now??"
"Yeah, through some sort of loophole that the story really couldn't fly without."
"Ah, I see."
"Nifty," said Harry.
Just then, Xena, Warrior Princess, appeared randomly. "AAHHHEEEYYYAAAAAAAHHHEEEEAAAHHHYYYYAAAAAHHHAAHHEEHHHHEEEHHAHAAHHAHH!!" She screeched, for the author has no idea what the 'Xena yell' actually sounds like.
Everyone collapsed, twitching, as Xena disappeared. "...ow," said Tiger after about five minutes, since she pretty much sucks at expressing any emotion whatsoever.
"Yippee! That ouch," replied Harry, sitting up and looking around. Professor Sprout threw her Rubik's cube at him.
Hunyak jabbered something in Hungarian... and to everyone's astonishment, Hermione replied to her with gibberish! Everyone stared at them, jaws dropped. Professor Sprout staggered over to Alice and picked her up by the front of the shirt. "What did they say!?"
"How am I supposed to know, I don't speak Hungarian OR gibberish!!"
"Well then, we need someone who does!"
And again, the author called upon Deus Ex Machina to send them a translator. Hans the alternate narrator appeared and took his place in the invisible Hungarian/gibberish-translation-booth that is in my head. "Howdy!" Hans shouted.
"Howdy!" Harry shouted back.
"Olla!" said Alice.
"Moofy!" yelled Tiger.
"Okay okay, enough with the howdy, tell us what Hunyak and Hermione said!!" shouted Professor Sprout.
"Okay, fine. Jeez..." Hans muttered and sifted through his paperwork. "Ahh, Hunyak said 'I hope that doesn't happen too often here,' and Hermione responded with 'Your gerbil dances with spinach under the light of the Cheez-Whiz moon."
"Great," said George, "It doesn't make sense even when translated!!"
Hermione said something. "Cheery spoonful of North Carolina applesauce," Hans translated.
"Did someone say 'APPLESAUCE'!?" Harry shouted, looking around wildly.
"Yes, and here," said the manager, throwing some at him. It hit him in the face. "Mm, applesauce-ey," Harry said.
At that moment, Voldemort, otherwise known as Tom Riddle, You-Know- Who, etc, etc... appeared on the stage in a poof of smoke!
"You-Know-Who!" shouted Fred.
"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!" yelled George.
"That guy!" screeched Professor Sprout.
"Toto ate the rotten avocado!" Hans translated for Hermione.
"ENOUGH!!" Voldemort boomed above them all, as the smoke slowly disappeared.
"YAY!" yelled Alice, clapping her hands. Professor Sprout grabbed her by one of the two braids in her hair.
"What do you mean, 'YAY??'"
"It's Voldie-poo!!"
Voldemort looked over at her and jumped slightly. "You! You're supposed to be dead!!"
Alice shrugged away from Professor Sprout and grinned rather mischievously at the Dark Lord, stepping around and leaning momentarily on an imaginary pile of gold. "Am I not? ...oh, wait, wrong movie." She paused and blinked thoughtfully. Hunyak took the opportunity to give Professor Sprout the universal 'she's somewhat crazy' sign with one finger.
"I don't have time for this," said Voldemort (whose name is really pronounced 'Vol-de-more' according to J.K., so THERE.), pulling out his wand and pointing it at Harry, who was busy trying to lick a bit of applesauce off his nose. "Just let me kill the brat."
"Fine by me," said Professor Sprout. Fred smacked her. She hexed him on a reflex.
"Ooh!" Alice said again, happily. "What're you going to kill him with??"
"Hah?" replied the most evil literary villain since that one big eye thing terrorized that one little midget dude... you know what I'm talking about....
"You know! You're the most powerful evil villain that Harry here knows! With powers comparable to Harry!"
Everyone looked confused and somewhat scared as she continued.
"What powers, you ask? How about the power of flight, that do anything for ya? That's levitation! How 'bout the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away.... with MIND-BULLETS!! That's telekinesis, Hunyak."
Voldemort looked perplexed.
"How about the power.... to move you??" One could almost hear the funky guitar solo.
"Shut it, Muggle." Voldemort said, wand still pointed at Harry. He grinned at the bespectacled goofball. "It ends now."
Harry just now noticed the looming danger and looked up at You-Know- Who. "Er... hi?"
"History of Wonderboy.... and Young Nastyman!! Rig-a-doo-doo, rig-a- doo-doo!" Alice sang from somewhere to the side. "A secret to be told, a gold chest to be bold, and blasting off with three-part harmony! GO!-- AAACK!" Voldemort hexed her unconscious before sending a blast of purple light at Harry. Alice skidded off the stage and into the orchestra pit, landing in the unoccupied brass section.
He dodged it and stood up, glaring at Voldemort before.... turning and running away. But wait! Harry ran to the nearest wall, sprinted right up, and flipped off backwards, landing on Voldemort's bald head! "MOOHAHAHAH!" Everyone cheered... until Voldemort rolled his eyes, picked Harry off of him, and kicked the boy in the shins (With very little effort, I might add). "Owwwww!!" Harry yelled, hopping on one foot. "09432o8iygkafvg9075r3!!"
"I got the 'Owwwww,' but what was the '09432o8iygkafvg9075r3' for?" asked Hans.
"No clue," said Professor Sprout.
Voldemort then threw away his wand, which had been snapped in two by Harry, and pulled out... a SPORK!!
Harry saw this, and, recovering quickly as he often does, pulled out a spork of his own! Voldemort glared at the boy and pressed a hidden button on his spork, causing a beam of red light to spout from the pronged end and transforming it into the very lethal, if a bit absurd, SPORKSABER! (That's the idea George Lucas first had, before I convinced him to go with the more popular alternative, you know. However, I got the copyrights to this baby, so HAH!! Take THAT, Ewok Man!! I am all powerful!!) Harry mimicked this, with the same result, and they went to battle! Everyone else took seats in the audience, conjured up buckets of popcorn, and watched.
The SPORKSABER fight continued for about an hour without much progress for either arch-enemy (and lots of pacing menacingly behind imaginary force-fields), until Harry suddenly lunged forward and his SPORKSABER sliced up a part of Voldemort's robe sleeve! Voldemort faltered, looked at his sleeve, and his lip quivered. "My... my sleeve.... Nooooooooo!!!" He clicked off his SPORKSABER and began sobbing in Harry's general direction. "You're so hurtful!!" He then snapped his fingers and disappeared in a slightly smaller puff of smoke than last time.
"Woooonderbooooy... what is the secret of your powers....?" Alice warbled from beneath a tuba, just waking up. She looked around, smiling absently. "What'd I miss?"
Harry de-activated his SPORKSABER and jumped up and down, clapping his hands. "Eeeeeeee!! I defeated Voldemort AGAIN!!"
Professor Sprout climbed back onstage and clapped Harry on the back, nearly bowling him over. "Good show, ya stupid kid!" She then pulled a large box from behind her back. (It spontaneously appeared, by the way.) She held it out to Harry. "Here you go, for defeating Voldemort!"
"Oh, wow, you really didn't have to! Oh golly gee," said Harry, taking the box and opening it to reveal a pair of bright pink patent leather platform shoes with 14" wooden soles and silver plastic buckles. Tying them together were black shoelaces with lime green aglets. Harry's eyes began to water with joy. "They're lovely!!" He immediately kicked off his own shoes--one of which hit Hans in the face--and put on the platform shoes, now much taller than anyone else there. "Thank you-- thank you all!" He said tearfully, wobbling over to try and give Professor Sprout a hug. She dodged it and Harry overbalanced and fell to the floor.
"Stop throwing computers at me, mister squirrel chow!" Hans interpreted from Hermione.
"Not guilty," said Hunyak, shaking her head.
"I hear ya," Alice replied.
******
A/N: Well, there ya have it. The seventh chapter! *Eyes tear up* This is the longest story I've ever kept up.... *Snif* It's all thanks to YOU!! *Hugs the reviewers* I've almost got 50 reviews! I can't believe it! *Holds out a tray of cookies* Here. Take one. I owe ya.
Oh yeah, and ten points go to whoever can tell me what an aglet is. That and/or a hemidemisemiquaver. (I think it's spelled like that.) (And YES, it is a real thing.)