Chapter Eight-- Unforeseen and Inexplicable Stuff Happens Back Home
And while this was all going on, at Hogwarts the remaining students were all just trying to put the 'lost ones' behind them and continue with their lives. It was decided that Mad-Eye Moody was to be the new headmaster, since Snape was dead, Dumbledore was dead, Sprout was in New York braining people with a Rubik's cube, Trelawney was in a coma, and McGona-- excuse me-- McCrusher was in St. Mungo's with wrestling-related injuries.
Draco and Ron were sitting at the Slytherin Table, both human again, playing Wizard's Chess. Ron was kicking Draco's theoretical booty. "HAH!" shouted Ron as his pawn effortlessly bitch-slapped Draco's last knight off the board.
Draco twitched. "That's not fair!"
"Talk to the hand, Ferret Boy."
Draco glared at him. "I'm bloody rich! I should be the one who's winning!" He stared blankly for a minute. "And, according to Alfonso Cuaron, I know how to make an origami crane!"
Ron rolled his eyes. "But obviously you can't play chess."
"Yes. I mean no. I mean... wait...." Draco whined. "You're too smart! Go away!" he pouted.
Ron was about to make a snappy yet sarcastic comment but never got the chance, for at that moment the doors at the end of the Hall burst open, and into the room ran none other than... SEVERUS SNAPE!
"NOOOOO!!!" Everyone in the Great Hall screamed bloody murder and jumped out of the window nearest them. Well, everyone except Draco and Ron. They were still trying to beat each other to the window.
"OUTTA MY WAY, BLONDIE!!"
"MOVE, YA FREAK!!"
Eventually they weren't even moving anywhere anymore-- just standing on top of two beating each other up. Snape just walked up to the table and watched with a bag of popcorn.
Ron looked up for a second, sniffing the air. "Popcorn senses... tingling...." he looked over and spotted Professor Snape. "Ooh! Can I have some?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Thanks." Ron and Draco each took a handful of popcorn and stood still for awhile, munching happily.
Yay. It was yummy popcorn.
After awhile, Draco swallowed his last popcorn kernel and stood looking at Snape, pondering something. "Heeeey," he said after about twenty minutes, "aren't you dead?"
"No, actually, I was resurrected by unknown means, for an unknown purpose."
"How spiffy," said Ron.
"Then how'd you get out of the dungeons? We caved them in."
"Beats me."
"Oh, I see."
"Ah," Ron said, sneaking another handful of popcorn from Snape.
And so they all sat around and ate popcorn for about the next three days.
When that was done, Draco brushed a cobweb off his nose and said, "So... now what do we do?"
"I think we should track down those people that left for Broadway a long time ago," Ron replied thoughtfully.
"Heheh... Noggin really IS a fun word," said Draco. Snape smacked him.
"Yes! Yes, that's exactly what we'll do! We'll go to New York and ANNIHILATE HARRY POTTER!!" cried Snape, jumping up and down in evil. I mean joy. Or something. "Then I can be headmaster of Hogwarts, AND Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher! MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!" He laughed evilly.
"Yes, and I can help you, because of my newfound hatred for everyone in that group!" yelled Ron evilly.
"And I can help you, because of my long-lasting hatred for everyone in that group!" exclaimed Draco. Evilly.
Just then, Dobby showed up. Snape threw popcorn at him. Dobby ate the popcorn, then hexed Snape so he was wearing only Dobby's tea cozy. "DAAAAGGGHHHH!! MY EYES!!!" Ron and Draco were flung against the opposite wall with surprising force, their eyes burning. "I'm unsighted!" cried Ron. Dobby just laughed. Snape shrieked and dove under the table, sucking his thumb.
Draco pushed a loose brick off of his head. It fell on Ron, who was blindly trying to find his way through the rubble. He crawled on top of Draco, who was visibly repulsed and kept trying to get away. "Get off me!"
Ron rolled out of the pile of loose plaster and bricks and pointed at where he thought Dobby was. "This is all YOUR fault!"
"Ahahahahah, I think not!" For just then, a person in an impeccable black suit stepped forth from the dust. The person was tall, and wearing sunglasses and a black hat. It was impossible to tell from the voice whether this person was a man or woman, or anything else for that matter.
"AAH! IT'S AN AGENT!" screamed Draco before he ran forward and kicked the person in the shin.
The person keeled over immediately, shouting. "I'm not an Agent, goddamnit!!" yelled the person, hopping on one foot.
"Well, then, who are you?"
"I'll tell you-- hold on just a sec-- OW!!" The person was still hopping around, holding one leg. It crashed into a wall, and began hopping the other way, causing even more destruction around the Hall. Ron also wandered around, arms straight out, bumping into things. He walked straight into the person, who immediately slapped him across the face, seemingly on a reflex. Draco waited patiently.
"Okay," said the mysterious person, finally recovering. The person sat down on a table nearby and stared at Draco through dark sunglasses. "You really want to know who I am?"
"Well duh," said Ron from where he was dancing with a marble statue against his own will.
"Okay...." The person stood up and removed the hat, revealing shoulder-length wavy red hair, and took off the sunglasses, staring at the others from large, solemn hazel eyes. It was a girl of about 18. "I am..."
Draco listened intently. Ron paused in trying to get the statue away from him and waited. Snape shivered from under the table.
"I am...."
Everything was still.
"I am...."
"GET ON WITH IT!" screamed Draco, and kicked the girl in the other shin.
"GAH!" she keeled over and hopped around on one foot again, screaming curses (many of which Draco had never heard before.)
"Nice going, Malfoy." Ron eventually pushed the statue away from him and staggered back to the table Snape was cowering under. The author felt sorry for Snape (and her readers) and with a poof! of smoke, his clothes reappeared. Snape shakily stood up and looked around. Ron bumped into him and he pulled a magnificent 'Wilhelm,' punching Ron in the nose with unexpected accuracy. Ron shouted, staggered back and unintentionally stepped on Draco's foot, and the two joined the unnamed girl in careening about the Great Hall with their injuries. Snape conjured up another bucket of popcorn and watched, greatly amused.
After about an hour of this, they'd all finally recovered. The girl slumped against a shrubbery and ran a hand through her hair. Draco was collapsed in the pile of rubble, holding his foot, and Ron flopped onto a chair, trying to straighten out his broken nose.
"Well," said the girl after a while, "you still want to know who I am?"
"Yep!" said Draco cheerfully.
"Okay then... I am... I am...."
"Oh, don't start this again...." Snape stood up and walked over as if to kick her in the shin.
"ICICLE WEASLEY!!" she screamed immediately, clinging to the shrubbery. "The lost Weasley cousin, okay!?"
Ron looked up, even though he couldn't see anything. "Icicle? That you??"
"Yes, now please get Mr. Doesn't-Believe-In-Cleanliness here away from me."
"Hmph." Snape scowled and walked away.
"Icicle?" Draco said disbelievingly. "Is that your real name??"
"Yes it is. I also have a little sister named Snowball." Icicle climbed off of the shrubbery and facing the others sincerely. "Snowball Weasley."
Draco just stared. "What's with the suit?"
Icicle stared back. "What's with your face?"
Ron beamed. He liked his cousin. "Nice ...er... hearing you again, Icicle."
"Why'd you come here in the first place?" Draco asked.
"Well, I just had to visit my widdle bitty baby cousin Ronniekins...."
"I'm only a year younger than you, you know." Ron pouted. Okay, maybe he didn't like her so much now.
"Two years, pumpkin-poo."
Draco collapsed laughing. Snape snickered. Ron blushed. Icicle grinned evilly. Fawkes, who had been about to swoop down and eat someone, was distracted and got a mouthful of the marble statue Ron had been fighting with instead. He ate it, and thus discovered a new taste for minerals.
Draco was still laughing uncontrollably. Icicle stared at him for a while, her smile faded, and she kicked him. Draco stopped laughing. "What'd you do that for!?"
Icicle shrugged. "I like kicking things."
Draco stopped laughing.
"That's my kind of student!" shouted Snape, who had jumped up to shake Icicle's hand.
Draco was largely incapable of speaking partly because of the large footprint on the front of his school robes and the means by which it got there.
Snape smiled happily. "Well, what do we do now??"
Draco stood after a while, conjured up a ham sandwich and placed it on Ron's head. "I say we dance the funky chicken." He held up a boom box that spontaneously appeared out of nowhere.
So they did, to the funky chicken music that came blasting out of the boom box. "I don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck, so I'll shake my butt!" sang Ron. Pretty soon the entire group joined in the song.
After that was over, they stood around for a little bit. Finally Snape said, "Well... let's go find the others and DESTROY THEM!!"
"Okay," said Icicle.
"Fine by me," said Draco.
"Sure," said Ron.
Just then, Fawkes flew back through the window, heading straight for Icicle! She quickly pulled a can of pepper spray seemingly from nowhere and sprayed Fawkes in the eyes. He immediately recoiled and writhed on the floor in agony, singing a version of phoenix song that sounded like a moose after drinking various alkaline cleansers. ((A/N: Not a pleasant feeling, apparently.))
Icicle stared at him for a while, demonic grin fading. Fawkes looked back up at her through big, gold, watering eyes. Icicle's lip quivered and she looked at the aerosol can in her hand. "WHAT HAVE I DONE!?" she screamed, and threw the can across the room. It ricocheted off a pillar and hit Ron in the back of the head, knocking him out. "You poor baby!" Icicle rushed forward to hug the mad phoenix, but he snapped at her. She looked around at the others. "Do you have any phoenix biscuits??"
Snape nodded. "I'd imagine Dumbledore had some...."
"Well that old crony better have left them here!" Icicle sprinted out of the room, leaving Fawkes in the middle of the floor. He looked around and grinned maliciously at Snape, Ron, and Draco. Snape and Draco gulped and dragged Ron behind a table, where they cowered like scared little newborn llamas.
"We're gonna die," said Draco. "Stupid Weasley's stupid yet malign cousin is gonna sic the stupid phoenix on us. Just watch."
"Poppycock!" shouted Snape. A few twelve-year-olds reading this at home snickered. "Icicle wouldn't kill ME! He's her favorite cousin. And besides," he added much to the dismay of his student, "once she finds the kitchens and figures out where I keep the Muggle poisons, it's not Fawkes we have to worry about."
Draco paled. Fawkes grinned. Ron awakened and looked around, confused. "Who turned out the lights?" Snape and Draco simultaneously thwacked him.
A few minutes later, a bang from the front end of the hall signified Icicle Weasley's grand return as the doors slammed open. She ran frantically over to Fawkes, phoenix treats in hand. "It's okay, baby, I'm here...." She petted Fawkes's head and set the treats on the floor next to his mouth. "I'm sorry I sprayed you with that silly old MACE...." Fawkes looked back up at her, quite liking this attention, and licked her hand after gobbling up the treats. Icicle smiled in a caring manner, and gave him one last pat before standing and walking toward the table where the others hid. Fawkes stood up after she'd walked a few paces, and flapped up to sit on her shoulder. Icicle squealed. "Ronnie, he followed me!! Can we keep him, please please pleaaasseee??"
Behind the table, Snape and Draco looked over at Ron, who looked in their direction. "What do I do?" Ron whispered.
Snape thought a while, then noticed his bag of popcorn, crawled over and got it, and ate some. Then he said, "Well, having a stinkin' songbird-- er, phoenix-- on our side might be a good idea in the fight against Potter and his friends...."
"But it could also kill us very painfully," Draco put in.
"Of course, there's always that risk.... but I say yes, let her keep the stinkin' songbird-- I mean phoenix." Snape beamed, proud with himself.
"YESSS!!" shrieked Icicle from two feet above their heads. Everyone behind the table jumped and spun around, not realizing that she'd been just above them all along. She leaped over the table and hugged Snape. "Thank you thank you thank you thank you!"
"Right then," said Snape, pushing the girl away from him. "Shall we laugh evilly?"
"Of course we should."
"I concur."
"Yes."
And so all four of them threw their heads back and laughed maniacally for several minutes, pleased with their newborn plan for revenge.
******
A/N: Yes, I did resurrect Snape for reasons unknown. Deal.
Oh, and if anyone's wondering what it is to pull a Wilhelm, I am referring to the ever-comical 'Wilhelm Scream!' Named after the very first cowboy to do this in a film, the Wilhelm scream is uttered at a moment of "extreme and unexpected shock or pain, when all machismo is abandoned and you just yelp." It is usually done by male characters, and is otherwise known as screaming 'like a little 9-year-old schoolgirl with pigtails.'
And while this was all going on, at Hogwarts the remaining students were all just trying to put the 'lost ones' behind them and continue with their lives. It was decided that Mad-Eye Moody was to be the new headmaster, since Snape was dead, Dumbledore was dead, Sprout was in New York braining people with a Rubik's cube, Trelawney was in a coma, and McGona-- excuse me-- McCrusher was in St. Mungo's with wrestling-related injuries.
Draco and Ron were sitting at the Slytherin Table, both human again, playing Wizard's Chess. Ron was kicking Draco's theoretical booty. "HAH!" shouted Ron as his pawn effortlessly bitch-slapped Draco's last knight off the board.
Draco twitched. "That's not fair!"
"Talk to the hand, Ferret Boy."
Draco glared at him. "I'm bloody rich! I should be the one who's winning!" He stared blankly for a minute. "And, according to Alfonso Cuaron, I know how to make an origami crane!"
Ron rolled his eyes. "But obviously you can't play chess."
"Yes. I mean no. I mean... wait...." Draco whined. "You're too smart! Go away!" he pouted.
Ron was about to make a snappy yet sarcastic comment but never got the chance, for at that moment the doors at the end of the Hall burst open, and into the room ran none other than... SEVERUS SNAPE!
"NOOOOO!!!" Everyone in the Great Hall screamed bloody murder and jumped out of the window nearest them. Well, everyone except Draco and Ron. They were still trying to beat each other to the window.
"OUTTA MY WAY, BLONDIE!!"
"MOVE, YA FREAK!!"
Eventually they weren't even moving anywhere anymore-- just standing on top of two beating each other up. Snape just walked up to the table and watched with a bag of popcorn.
Ron looked up for a second, sniffing the air. "Popcorn senses... tingling...." he looked over and spotted Professor Snape. "Ooh! Can I have some?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Thanks." Ron and Draco each took a handful of popcorn and stood still for awhile, munching happily.
Yay. It was yummy popcorn.
After awhile, Draco swallowed his last popcorn kernel and stood looking at Snape, pondering something. "Heeeey," he said after about twenty minutes, "aren't you dead?"
"No, actually, I was resurrected by unknown means, for an unknown purpose."
"How spiffy," said Ron.
"Then how'd you get out of the dungeons? We caved them in."
"Beats me."
"Oh, I see."
"Ah," Ron said, sneaking another handful of popcorn from Snape.
And so they all sat around and ate popcorn for about the next three days.
When that was done, Draco brushed a cobweb off his nose and said, "So... now what do we do?"
"I think we should track down those people that left for Broadway a long time ago," Ron replied thoughtfully.
"Heheh... Noggin really IS a fun word," said Draco. Snape smacked him.
"Yes! Yes, that's exactly what we'll do! We'll go to New York and ANNIHILATE HARRY POTTER!!" cried Snape, jumping up and down in evil. I mean joy. Or something. "Then I can be headmaster of Hogwarts, AND Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher! MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!" He laughed evilly.
"Yes, and I can help you, because of my newfound hatred for everyone in that group!" yelled Ron evilly.
"And I can help you, because of my long-lasting hatred for everyone in that group!" exclaimed Draco. Evilly.
Just then, Dobby showed up. Snape threw popcorn at him. Dobby ate the popcorn, then hexed Snape so he was wearing only Dobby's tea cozy. "DAAAAGGGHHHH!! MY EYES!!!" Ron and Draco were flung against the opposite wall with surprising force, their eyes burning. "I'm unsighted!" cried Ron. Dobby just laughed. Snape shrieked and dove under the table, sucking his thumb.
Draco pushed a loose brick off of his head. It fell on Ron, who was blindly trying to find his way through the rubble. He crawled on top of Draco, who was visibly repulsed and kept trying to get away. "Get off me!"
Ron rolled out of the pile of loose plaster and bricks and pointed at where he thought Dobby was. "This is all YOUR fault!"
"Ahahahahah, I think not!" For just then, a person in an impeccable black suit stepped forth from the dust. The person was tall, and wearing sunglasses and a black hat. It was impossible to tell from the voice whether this person was a man or woman, or anything else for that matter.
"AAH! IT'S AN AGENT!" screamed Draco before he ran forward and kicked the person in the shin.
The person keeled over immediately, shouting. "I'm not an Agent, goddamnit!!" yelled the person, hopping on one foot.
"Well, then, who are you?"
"I'll tell you-- hold on just a sec-- OW!!" The person was still hopping around, holding one leg. It crashed into a wall, and began hopping the other way, causing even more destruction around the Hall. Ron also wandered around, arms straight out, bumping into things. He walked straight into the person, who immediately slapped him across the face, seemingly on a reflex. Draco waited patiently.
"Okay," said the mysterious person, finally recovering. The person sat down on a table nearby and stared at Draco through dark sunglasses. "You really want to know who I am?"
"Well duh," said Ron from where he was dancing with a marble statue against his own will.
"Okay...." The person stood up and removed the hat, revealing shoulder-length wavy red hair, and took off the sunglasses, staring at the others from large, solemn hazel eyes. It was a girl of about 18. "I am..."
Draco listened intently. Ron paused in trying to get the statue away from him and waited. Snape shivered from under the table.
"I am...."
Everything was still.
"I am...."
"GET ON WITH IT!" screamed Draco, and kicked the girl in the other shin.
"GAH!" she keeled over and hopped around on one foot again, screaming curses (many of which Draco had never heard before.)
"Nice going, Malfoy." Ron eventually pushed the statue away from him and staggered back to the table Snape was cowering under. The author felt sorry for Snape (and her readers) and with a poof! of smoke, his clothes reappeared. Snape shakily stood up and looked around. Ron bumped into him and he pulled a magnificent 'Wilhelm,' punching Ron in the nose with unexpected accuracy. Ron shouted, staggered back and unintentionally stepped on Draco's foot, and the two joined the unnamed girl in careening about the Great Hall with their injuries. Snape conjured up another bucket of popcorn and watched, greatly amused.
After about an hour of this, they'd all finally recovered. The girl slumped against a shrubbery and ran a hand through her hair. Draco was collapsed in the pile of rubble, holding his foot, and Ron flopped onto a chair, trying to straighten out his broken nose.
"Well," said the girl after a while, "you still want to know who I am?"
"Yep!" said Draco cheerfully.
"Okay then... I am... I am...."
"Oh, don't start this again...." Snape stood up and walked over as if to kick her in the shin.
"ICICLE WEASLEY!!" she screamed immediately, clinging to the shrubbery. "The lost Weasley cousin, okay!?"
Ron looked up, even though he couldn't see anything. "Icicle? That you??"
"Yes, now please get Mr. Doesn't-Believe-In-Cleanliness here away from me."
"Hmph." Snape scowled and walked away.
"Icicle?" Draco said disbelievingly. "Is that your real name??"
"Yes it is. I also have a little sister named Snowball." Icicle climbed off of the shrubbery and facing the others sincerely. "Snowball Weasley."
Draco just stared. "What's with the suit?"
Icicle stared back. "What's with your face?"
Ron beamed. He liked his cousin. "Nice ...er... hearing you again, Icicle."
"Why'd you come here in the first place?" Draco asked.
"Well, I just had to visit my widdle bitty baby cousin Ronniekins...."
"I'm only a year younger than you, you know." Ron pouted. Okay, maybe he didn't like her so much now.
"Two years, pumpkin-poo."
Draco collapsed laughing. Snape snickered. Ron blushed. Icicle grinned evilly. Fawkes, who had been about to swoop down and eat someone, was distracted and got a mouthful of the marble statue Ron had been fighting with instead. He ate it, and thus discovered a new taste for minerals.
Draco was still laughing uncontrollably. Icicle stared at him for a while, her smile faded, and she kicked him. Draco stopped laughing. "What'd you do that for!?"
Icicle shrugged. "I like kicking things."
Draco stopped laughing.
"That's my kind of student!" shouted Snape, who had jumped up to shake Icicle's hand.
Draco was largely incapable of speaking partly because of the large footprint on the front of his school robes and the means by which it got there.
Snape smiled happily. "Well, what do we do now??"
Draco stood after a while, conjured up a ham sandwich and placed it on Ron's head. "I say we dance the funky chicken." He held up a boom box that spontaneously appeared out of nowhere.
So they did, to the funky chicken music that came blasting out of the boom box. "I don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck, so I'll shake my butt!" sang Ron. Pretty soon the entire group joined in the song.
After that was over, they stood around for a little bit. Finally Snape said, "Well... let's go find the others and DESTROY THEM!!"
"Okay," said Icicle.
"Fine by me," said Draco.
"Sure," said Ron.
Just then, Fawkes flew back through the window, heading straight for Icicle! She quickly pulled a can of pepper spray seemingly from nowhere and sprayed Fawkes in the eyes. He immediately recoiled and writhed on the floor in agony, singing a version of phoenix song that sounded like a moose after drinking various alkaline cleansers. ((A/N: Not a pleasant feeling, apparently.))
Icicle stared at him for a while, demonic grin fading. Fawkes looked back up at her through big, gold, watering eyes. Icicle's lip quivered and she looked at the aerosol can in her hand. "WHAT HAVE I DONE!?" she screamed, and threw the can across the room. It ricocheted off a pillar and hit Ron in the back of the head, knocking him out. "You poor baby!" Icicle rushed forward to hug the mad phoenix, but he snapped at her. She looked around at the others. "Do you have any phoenix biscuits??"
Snape nodded. "I'd imagine Dumbledore had some...."
"Well that old crony better have left them here!" Icicle sprinted out of the room, leaving Fawkes in the middle of the floor. He looked around and grinned maliciously at Snape, Ron, and Draco. Snape and Draco gulped and dragged Ron behind a table, where they cowered like scared little newborn llamas.
"We're gonna die," said Draco. "Stupid Weasley's stupid yet malign cousin is gonna sic the stupid phoenix on us. Just watch."
"Poppycock!" shouted Snape. A few twelve-year-olds reading this at home snickered. "Icicle wouldn't kill ME! He's her favorite cousin. And besides," he added much to the dismay of his student, "once she finds the kitchens and figures out where I keep the Muggle poisons, it's not Fawkes we have to worry about."
Draco paled. Fawkes grinned. Ron awakened and looked around, confused. "Who turned out the lights?" Snape and Draco simultaneously thwacked him.
A few minutes later, a bang from the front end of the hall signified Icicle Weasley's grand return as the doors slammed open. She ran frantically over to Fawkes, phoenix treats in hand. "It's okay, baby, I'm here...." She petted Fawkes's head and set the treats on the floor next to his mouth. "I'm sorry I sprayed you with that silly old MACE...." Fawkes looked back up at her, quite liking this attention, and licked her hand after gobbling up the treats. Icicle smiled in a caring manner, and gave him one last pat before standing and walking toward the table where the others hid. Fawkes stood up after she'd walked a few paces, and flapped up to sit on her shoulder. Icicle squealed. "Ronnie, he followed me!! Can we keep him, please please pleaaasseee??"
Behind the table, Snape and Draco looked over at Ron, who looked in their direction. "What do I do?" Ron whispered.
Snape thought a while, then noticed his bag of popcorn, crawled over and got it, and ate some. Then he said, "Well, having a stinkin' songbird-- er, phoenix-- on our side might be a good idea in the fight against Potter and his friends...."
"But it could also kill us very painfully," Draco put in.
"Of course, there's always that risk.... but I say yes, let her keep the stinkin' songbird-- I mean phoenix." Snape beamed, proud with himself.
"YESSS!!" shrieked Icicle from two feet above their heads. Everyone behind the table jumped and spun around, not realizing that she'd been just above them all along. She leaped over the table and hugged Snape. "Thank you thank you thank you thank you!"
"Right then," said Snape, pushing the girl away from him. "Shall we laugh evilly?"
"Of course we should."
"I concur."
"Yes."
And so all four of them threw their heads back and laughed maniacally for several minutes, pleased with their newborn plan for revenge.
******
A/N: Yes, I did resurrect Snape for reasons unknown. Deal.
Oh, and if anyone's wondering what it is to pull a Wilhelm, I am referring to the ever-comical 'Wilhelm Scream!' Named after the very first cowboy to do this in a film, the Wilhelm scream is uttered at a moment of "extreme and unexpected shock or pain, when all machismo is abandoned and you just yelp." It is usually done by male characters, and is otherwise known as screaming 'like a little 9-year-old schoolgirl with pigtails.'