Title: All Paths Drowned Deep In Shadow
Author: DantanaSkywalker
Genre: Angst
Author's Notes: Um . . . I don't own this guy?
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What have I done?
This thought has haunted me for as long as I can remember. Or almost that long.
Through everything that followed, everything that's happened since, the thought still wakes me in the middle of the night, like an echo of screams I couldn't hear, deaths I didn't see.
I thought I was doing the right thing. I was justified. I had all the knowledge I needed, all the training I needed. I was supreme. Invincible. Untouchable.
I was wrong.
From the moment I emerged from the dark, I thought I was free. Free from outside oppression . . . free from that which came from inside.
Just . . . free.
Everyone wanted to help me. I found myself the centre of attention, with important people doing amazing things for me. I was overwhelmed, and granted, became more than a little cocky. Full of myself.
And then my next teacher came. I'd had a few, over the years, who imparted words of wisdom, made me feel I could be more than me.
The first was my father. He was my idol. I have few memories of him, or of my mother. But he taught me the basics of existence.
The next . . . an old woman, in the dark, who was more just someone to talk to, but someone who understood. Someone who wanted to help, even if she herself was just as helpless.
Then my rescuer. The one who freed me. Friend, ally, father-figure. Saviour and guardian. He taught me it was okay to laugh, okay to open up. Okay to let the galaxy in.
This new teacher showed me things I hadn't thought were possible, things that . . . made me feel special. Made me feel I had worth beyond my previous existence. Worlds were opened for me. A whole other universe that I was part of.
I became hungry for more.
And I let HIM take me. My fifth teacher. The one who tainted me, jaded me, changed me. Burned me and from the ashes made something new, something different. Something . . . ugly.
I didn't realise what was going on. I was young and stupid. So stupid. And, like I said, cocky. I was at that age where I knew everything, and no one could tell me different.
HE fed that thought. I realise now that HE was twisting me, reshaping me, making me into his tool of destruction. I let him.
And I fell.
I didn't know that's what I'd done. I thought it was the right thing to do. If you have power, why not use it? And I had a *lot* of power.
The next phase of my life is little more than a blur. I did terrible, terrible things. I hurt people. I *killed* people. Took their lives, lives filled with such potential. And I didn't even think about it.
I killed the one person who really mattered to me, then.
Then I was saved, brought out of the darkness. Healed, repaired. Bent back into something resembling my proper shape.
I didn't deserve that forgiveness. I still don't. I don't think I'll ever deserve the selfless compassion given by someone I'd nearly destroyed, had tried my hardest to destroy.
And some think this person is the root of all that is wrong in the galaxy. They are so wrong. So ignorant. So blind.
It's been years since my fall, and I still haven't really recovered. Part of the darkness lingers. I don't know if it will ever leave. It's a spot on my soul, something I will carry forever. Something that can't heal.
Sometimes, unwillingly, I tap into that darkness. By accident, I'll let a little of it out. I end up hurting people. I don't like hurting people. I've tried to keep everyone away because I don't want to hurt them.
I've erected a façade, a wall to keep others out as much as to keep *me* in.
Only one person has managed to slip past that wall, punch a hole in it, drag me out. My latest teacher, instructor. Saviour.
The thought terrifies me, that someone possesses that kind of power.
And she doesn't even know it.
I look out from the hole in my wall, seeing a world that I want to be part of, but one that scares me more than I will ever admit aloud.
I don't even know if it's a world that wants me. It doesn't seem to.
I've made a few ventures out, testing the waters, so to speak.
They all think I'm crazy.
Maybe part of me is, after so long. After everything I've been through. Who wouldn't be, after the trials I've faced?
A lesser person would be stark raving mad by now.
That sounds cocky, but it's not. It's just the truth.
I'm not as cocky as I was. In truth, I'm lost. I don't really know who I am, or where I'm going. It's as if all paths are drowned deep in shadow. A mist I can only stumble through, and hope I don't trip.
Hope I don't fall again.
If I do, can I get back up?
So I sit in my little box, protected for the most part. Safe. Isolated.
And I think.
I don't like thinking. Thinking leads to memories.
Memories lead to guilt and anguish. I can't change the past, but it still haunts me.
What have I done?
-----
end
Author: DantanaSkywalker
Genre: Angst
Author's Notes: Um . . . I don't own this guy?
-----
What have I done?
This thought has haunted me for as long as I can remember. Or almost that long.
Through everything that followed, everything that's happened since, the thought still wakes me in the middle of the night, like an echo of screams I couldn't hear, deaths I didn't see.
I thought I was doing the right thing. I was justified. I had all the knowledge I needed, all the training I needed. I was supreme. Invincible. Untouchable.
I was wrong.
From the moment I emerged from the dark, I thought I was free. Free from outside oppression . . . free from that which came from inside.
Just . . . free.
Everyone wanted to help me. I found myself the centre of attention, with important people doing amazing things for me. I was overwhelmed, and granted, became more than a little cocky. Full of myself.
And then my next teacher came. I'd had a few, over the years, who imparted words of wisdom, made me feel I could be more than me.
The first was my father. He was my idol. I have few memories of him, or of my mother. But he taught me the basics of existence.
The next . . . an old woman, in the dark, who was more just someone to talk to, but someone who understood. Someone who wanted to help, even if she herself was just as helpless.
Then my rescuer. The one who freed me. Friend, ally, father-figure. Saviour and guardian. He taught me it was okay to laugh, okay to open up. Okay to let the galaxy in.
This new teacher showed me things I hadn't thought were possible, things that . . . made me feel special. Made me feel I had worth beyond my previous existence. Worlds were opened for me. A whole other universe that I was part of.
I became hungry for more.
And I let HIM take me. My fifth teacher. The one who tainted me, jaded me, changed me. Burned me and from the ashes made something new, something different. Something . . . ugly.
I didn't realise what was going on. I was young and stupid. So stupid. And, like I said, cocky. I was at that age where I knew everything, and no one could tell me different.
HE fed that thought. I realise now that HE was twisting me, reshaping me, making me into his tool of destruction. I let him.
And I fell.
I didn't know that's what I'd done. I thought it was the right thing to do. If you have power, why not use it? And I had a *lot* of power.
The next phase of my life is little more than a blur. I did terrible, terrible things. I hurt people. I *killed* people. Took their lives, lives filled with such potential. And I didn't even think about it.
I killed the one person who really mattered to me, then.
Then I was saved, brought out of the darkness. Healed, repaired. Bent back into something resembling my proper shape.
I didn't deserve that forgiveness. I still don't. I don't think I'll ever deserve the selfless compassion given by someone I'd nearly destroyed, had tried my hardest to destroy.
And some think this person is the root of all that is wrong in the galaxy. They are so wrong. So ignorant. So blind.
It's been years since my fall, and I still haven't really recovered. Part of the darkness lingers. I don't know if it will ever leave. It's a spot on my soul, something I will carry forever. Something that can't heal.
Sometimes, unwillingly, I tap into that darkness. By accident, I'll let a little of it out. I end up hurting people. I don't like hurting people. I've tried to keep everyone away because I don't want to hurt them.
I've erected a façade, a wall to keep others out as much as to keep *me* in.
Only one person has managed to slip past that wall, punch a hole in it, drag me out. My latest teacher, instructor. Saviour.
The thought terrifies me, that someone possesses that kind of power.
And she doesn't even know it.
I look out from the hole in my wall, seeing a world that I want to be part of, but one that scares me more than I will ever admit aloud.
I don't even know if it's a world that wants me. It doesn't seem to.
I've made a few ventures out, testing the waters, so to speak.
They all think I'm crazy.
Maybe part of me is, after so long. After everything I've been through. Who wouldn't be, after the trials I've faced?
A lesser person would be stark raving mad by now.
That sounds cocky, but it's not. It's just the truth.
I'm not as cocky as I was. In truth, I'm lost. I don't really know who I am, or where I'm going. It's as if all paths are drowned deep in shadow. A mist I can only stumble through, and hope I don't trip.
Hope I don't fall again.
If I do, can I get back up?
So I sit in my little box, protected for the most part. Safe. Isolated.
And I think.
I don't like thinking. Thinking leads to memories.
Memories lead to guilt and anguish. I can't change the past, but it still haunts me.
What have I done?
-----
end