Chapter Nine-- Plot? What Plot?
And so, as the Ultimate Despicable Organization of People Who Don't Enjoy Good Guys (U.D.O.P.W.D.E.G.G.) flew off into the night on their broomsticks, cackling evilly, our heroes were on Broadway, making themselves known.
They'd decided to perform 'Love Shack' in the absence of any better ideas, as well as step-dancing (Which they very unimaginatively renamed Riverstomp) and tangoing. They called this act 'Stupid Boy!', which Professor Sprout had come up with after one motivational speech too many from the boy in question.
After the first week of shows, 'Stupid Boy!' was a big hit! Harry was idolized by any (very large) number of fangirls, and Hermione, Alice, Hunyak, and Tiger had their own Internet fan club. Fred and George, though not as popular as the above mentioned, also had a following. Professor Trelawney, the comatose Seer, was also recognized after Fred magicked her center stage, made her hospital bed stand on end, and had her play the role of a tree. Professor Sprout was...... Professor Sprout.
Their surprising fame had brought with it record deals, walk-on roles in the Lord of the Rings films, and even an appearance on the Today show with Matt Lauer! (Hermione and Hunyak's interview with Katie Couric didn't turn out very well, incase you're wondering.)
Then one day, during rehearsals for their tango routine, something strange and unexpected happened.
"I love life," said Harry, still wearing the pink platforms he'd received about two weeks earlier.
Professor Sprout sat in the first row drinking a can of soda with a picture of Harry on it. "I love life, but hate you." She crumpled up the can and threw it into the orchestra pit.
Alice laughed and fell into the Riverstomp formation with Hunyak, Hermione, and Tiger.
But then, Harry looked up and saw, over by the stage door, a little tiny stray tabby kitten! He stopped everything and stared at it, mouth opening and closing in shock at how adorable the kitten was. The kitten looked up at him and said, "Mew!" in a tiny, high-pitched voice that just screamed 'CUTE.' Harry's eyes teared up, and he threw off the platform shoes and ran willy-nilly over to the stage door, where he scooped up the kitten and hugged it. The kitten said, "Mee--AWWK!" as it choked mid- sentence.
Harry released the kitten and held it up to his face. The kitten stared at him for a while, then licked his nose and purred, curling up in his hands (for it was that small.)
"I shall name him Squishy, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my Squishy." Harry grinned joyfully at his amazing choice of name and ran back to the rest of the cast. The kitten meowed and climbed on top of Harry's head, curling up in the cushion of his hair.
"What in the name of Charlie Gordon and Algernon the mouse is THAT!?" said Professor Sprout upon seeing the cat on Harry's head. Everyone made an instinctive move for Hermione, but she didn't seem to care.
"His name is Squishy, and he is mine, and he is my Squishy."
"You SO stole that from 'Finding Nemo,'" said Alice.
"Stupid boy!" said Professor Sprout.
"Hey, I'm in that musical!" said Harry gleefully. Squishy the cat purred and looked out at everyone through unnaturally large blue eyes.
"Awwwwe, it's so cute!" squealed Alice, clasping her hands adoringly. "Lemme smack it!"
"NO!" Harry yelled, scooping Squishy off his head and holding him. "He's my cat, and you won't hurt him!"
"Jeez, fine.... ya killjoy," Alice muttered.
***
At about the time that all this was going on, the antagonists of our story were driving around Texas in Snape's violet-hued 1998 Volkswagen beetle.
"I don't get it," said Icicle from the backseat, "why do you have a car like this? It's not very intimidating OR evil."
"Is too!" said Snape indignantly, in defense of his car.
"It's a Volkswagen Bug!"
"It's a very SINISTER Volkswagen Bug," Snape retorted, pouting and wondering if they'd even SEEN the 'IH8POTR' custom license plate he had.
"It's purple!" said Icicle, interrupting his ponderings.
"It's violet!"
"It's still sissy."
"Ron, hit your cousin for me."
"Will do!" And he did, happily. Icicle stared out of the window and sulked, rubbing her head.
Draco sniggered and looked out his window, listening to his magical headphones. "Ooh, look! Cows!!" he cried suddenly, jumping up and pressing both hands against the glass.
"Pardon me while I find a container for my joy," said Icicle sardonically.
"No one cares about the cows, Draco," said Snape, swerving to avoid a piece of roadkill.
"Yeah," said Ron, "that's the fourth time we've passed a field of cows in the past hour, and just now you notice them?"
"Why are we even traveling like Muggles?" asked Draco, ignoring Ron. "We flew the car across the Atlantic to get here!"
"Yeah, and why'd we land in TEXAS of all places?" Icicle was clearly not impressed with the second-largest state of the union. "Are we gonna hijack a cow to get to Broadway?"
"We landed here because it's my car, and I wanted to drive it, and it IS enchanted, you know," said Snape, swelling with pride. "It never runs out of gas." He beamed, until...
...You guessed it...
... The car ran out of gas. Snape pressed on the accelerator a few more times, staring at the steering wheel in disbelief. When this proved fruitless, he began shouting vile curses at his car, most of which Draco had never heard before, even after Icicle's outburst in the last chapter.
"You forgot one," said Icicle cheerfully when he seemed to have stopped.
"Really?"
"Why, yes."
"What is it?"
Icicle told him. Snape then proceeded to shout that at the top of his lungs. Ron, who had had his ears plugged, gasped because he could hear this one. "Professor!" he cried. Draco was still listening to the SpongeBob theme song in his headphones (and headbanging to it, even), and so had not heard a single thing.
"Shut it, Weasley, or I'll take points."
"How are you going to take points away!? WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!!" screamed Icicle hysterically. She opened the car door, got out and popped up the trunk, revealing Fawkes stashed away there, because Snape refused to have him in the actual car. Fawkes, without a word, flew up and landed on her outstretched arm. She tickled his chin and started baby- talking to him, lingering particularly on "Snapey-wapey and his ^(*#@&%(* &%@(*# enchanted sissy car!"
Snape got out of the driver's seat and banged his head on the roof of the car. Ron followed suit, without the banging-head-on-car part. Instead he tried walking around to talk to Icicle, but beat a hasty retreat when Fawkes snapped at him. Draco stood up and got out, looking confused. "Why've we stopped?" he asked cluelessly. Snape hexed him.
"Heeey!" said Draco, feeling the unicorn horn that was now protruding from his forehead. "That wasn't very nice!"
"What do we do now?" asked Icicle, leaning on her door.
Snape looked at her, then at the phoenix circling above them like a rather flamboyant vulture, and got an idea. "I know! We'll send you and Draco with Fawkes to get some petrol!" He walked to the trunk, pushed the 20-lb. box of phoenix treats that Icicle had bought aside, and pulled out a gasoline can, holding it up triumphantly.
"WHAT!?" screamed Icicle.
"WHAT!?" yelled Draco.
"WHY!?" shouted Ron.
"YOU IDIOTS!" exclaimed Snape.
"WAAWKK!" screeched Fawkes.
"Um, won't the people here be kind of confused when they see two kids, one of whom has a horn in his head, arrive from the sky via giant bird?" asked Icicle.
Snape looked at her. "Are you kidding? These people have lived through Bush."
"How does that make sense!?" asked Draco.
"I don't know."
"Well, then, what do we do?"
"I can cover Draco's head with a blanket and say he's got a skin condition," said Icicle.
"Okay," said Snape. Fawkes landed gracefully on the car roof and cawed merrily while Icicle retrieved Ron's security blanket from the backseat and threw it over Draco's head. There was still a huge sharp lump where the horn was under the blanket. "Good enough," said Icicle.
Draco conjured up an egg salad sandwich, took a bite from under the blanket, and placed it on Ron's head. "Hold this for me."
Ron yelled. "Get yo' lunch offa my head, boy!"
Snape conjured up a bowl of tomato soup and placed it on Ron's head. Fawkes looked around, munching on a chunk of asphalt he tore up from the road. Icicle ate a phoenix treat because everyone else seemed to be having lunch and besides, they were yummy. "Shall we be off?" she asked, brushing a few crumbs off the front of her suit and putting on her sunglasses.
Draco: "Noggin!"
Icicle rolled her eyes and took hold of Fawkes' tail feathers. "Take my hand," she told Draco.
"I hope this bird has had a bathroom break," said Draco, grabbing her wrist as she rose off of the ground. Pretty soon, they were nothing more than a speck in the distance. Snape and Ron got back into the car and relaxed with the air conditioning on. Snape took his bowl of soup off of Ron's head and started eating it.
"We're all gonna die," said Ron.
"Yep," said Snape.
"...So, I understand you know God personally?"
"Sure do."
******
A/N: Wow, this is the shortest chapter I've done in a while. Lately for this story, I try to get between 5 and 7 pages on Microsoft Word, and this is just barely 5. But really, I couldn't think of a better place to end, so you'll just have to cope. ^-^ Not that I think it really matters that much. Oh yes, and bonus points to anyone who guesses what the 'I understand you know God personally' has to do with Snape. It is a reference to something else.
And so, as the Ultimate Despicable Organization of People Who Don't Enjoy Good Guys (U.D.O.P.W.D.E.G.G.) flew off into the night on their broomsticks, cackling evilly, our heroes were on Broadway, making themselves known.
They'd decided to perform 'Love Shack' in the absence of any better ideas, as well as step-dancing (Which they very unimaginatively renamed Riverstomp) and tangoing. They called this act 'Stupid Boy!', which Professor Sprout had come up with after one motivational speech too many from the boy in question.
After the first week of shows, 'Stupid Boy!' was a big hit! Harry was idolized by any (very large) number of fangirls, and Hermione, Alice, Hunyak, and Tiger had their own Internet fan club. Fred and George, though not as popular as the above mentioned, also had a following. Professor Trelawney, the comatose Seer, was also recognized after Fred magicked her center stage, made her hospital bed stand on end, and had her play the role of a tree. Professor Sprout was...... Professor Sprout.
Their surprising fame had brought with it record deals, walk-on roles in the Lord of the Rings films, and even an appearance on the Today show with Matt Lauer! (Hermione and Hunyak's interview with Katie Couric didn't turn out very well, incase you're wondering.)
Then one day, during rehearsals for their tango routine, something strange and unexpected happened.
"I love life," said Harry, still wearing the pink platforms he'd received about two weeks earlier.
Professor Sprout sat in the first row drinking a can of soda with a picture of Harry on it. "I love life, but hate you." She crumpled up the can and threw it into the orchestra pit.
Alice laughed and fell into the Riverstomp formation with Hunyak, Hermione, and Tiger.
But then, Harry looked up and saw, over by the stage door, a little tiny stray tabby kitten! He stopped everything and stared at it, mouth opening and closing in shock at how adorable the kitten was. The kitten looked up at him and said, "Mew!" in a tiny, high-pitched voice that just screamed 'CUTE.' Harry's eyes teared up, and he threw off the platform shoes and ran willy-nilly over to the stage door, where he scooped up the kitten and hugged it. The kitten said, "Mee--AWWK!" as it choked mid- sentence.
Harry released the kitten and held it up to his face. The kitten stared at him for a while, then licked his nose and purred, curling up in his hands (for it was that small.)
"I shall name him Squishy, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my Squishy." Harry grinned joyfully at his amazing choice of name and ran back to the rest of the cast. The kitten meowed and climbed on top of Harry's head, curling up in the cushion of his hair.
"What in the name of Charlie Gordon and Algernon the mouse is THAT!?" said Professor Sprout upon seeing the cat on Harry's head. Everyone made an instinctive move for Hermione, but she didn't seem to care.
"His name is Squishy, and he is mine, and he is my Squishy."
"You SO stole that from 'Finding Nemo,'" said Alice.
"Stupid boy!" said Professor Sprout.
"Hey, I'm in that musical!" said Harry gleefully. Squishy the cat purred and looked out at everyone through unnaturally large blue eyes.
"Awwwwe, it's so cute!" squealed Alice, clasping her hands adoringly. "Lemme smack it!"
"NO!" Harry yelled, scooping Squishy off his head and holding him. "He's my cat, and you won't hurt him!"
"Jeez, fine.... ya killjoy," Alice muttered.
***
At about the time that all this was going on, the antagonists of our story were driving around Texas in Snape's violet-hued 1998 Volkswagen beetle.
"I don't get it," said Icicle from the backseat, "why do you have a car like this? It's not very intimidating OR evil."
"Is too!" said Snape indignantly, in defense of his car.
"It's a Volkswagen Bug!"
"It's a very SINISTER Volkswagen Bug," Snape retorted, pouting and wondering if they'd even SEEN the 'IH8POTR' custom license plate he had.
"It's purple!" said Icicle, interrupting his ponderings.
"It's violet!"
"It's still sissy."
"Ron, hit your cousin for me."
"Will do!" And he did, happily. Icicle stared out of the window and sulked, rubbing her head.
Draco sniggered and looked out his window, listening to his magical headphones. "Ooh, look! Cows!!" he cried suddenly, jumping up and pressing both hands against the glass.
"Pardon me while I find a container for my joy," said Icicle sardonically.
"No one cares about the cows, Draco," said Snape, swerving to avoid a piece of roadkill.
"Yeah," said Ron, "that's the fourth time we've passed a field of cows in the past hour, and just now you notice them?"
"Why are we even traveling like Muggles?" asked Draco, ignoring Ron. "We flew the car across the Atlantic to get here!"
"Yeah, and why'd we land in TEXAS of all places?" Icicle was clearly not impressed with the second-largest state of the union. "Are we gonna hijack a cow to get to Broadway?"
"We landed here because it's my car, and I wanted to drive it, and it IS enchanted, you know," said Snape, swelling with pride. "It never runs out of gas." He beamed, until...
...You guessed it...
... The car ran out of gas. Snape pressed on the accelerator a few more times, staring at the steering wheel in disbelief. When this proved fruitless, he began shouting vile curses at his car, most of which Draco had never heard before, even after Icicle's outburst in the last chapter.
"You forgot one," said Icicle cheerfully when he seemed to have stopped.
"Really?"
"Why, yes."
"What is it?"
Icicle told him. Snape then proceeded to shout that at the top of his lungs. Ron, who had had his ears plugged, gasped because he could hear this one. "Professor!" he cried. Draco was still listening to the SpongeBob theme song in his headphones (and headbanging to it, even), and so had not heard a single thing.
"Shut it, Weasley, or I'll take points."
"How are you going to take points away!? WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!!" screamed Icicle hysterically. She opened the car door, got out and popped up the trunk, revealing Fawkes stashed away there, because Snape refused to have him in the actual car. Fawkes, without a word, flew up and landed on her outstretched arm. She tickled his chin and started baby- talking to him, lingering particularly on "Snapey-wapey and his ^(*#@&%(* &%@(*# enchanted sissy car!"
Snape got out of the driver's seat and banged his head on the roof of the car. Ron followed suit, without the banging-head-on-car part. Instead he tried walking around to talk to Icicle, but beat a hasty retreat when Fawkes snapped at him. Draco stood up and got out, looking confused. "Why've we stopped?" he asked cluelessly. Snape hexed him.
"Heeey!" said Draco, feeling the unicorn horn that was now protruding from his forehead. "That wasn't very nice!"
"What do we do now?" asked Icicle, leaning on her door.
Snape looked at her, then at the phoenix circling above them like a rather flamboyant vulture, and got an idea. "I know! We'll send you and Draco with Fawkes to get some petrol!" He walked to the trunk, pushed the 20-lb. box of phoenix treats that Icicle had bought aside, and pulled out a gasoline can, holding it up triumphantly.
"WHAT!?" screamed Icicle.
"WHAT!?" yelled Draco.
"WHY!?" shouted Ron.
"YOU IDIOTS!" exclaimed Snape.
"WAAWKK!" screeched Fawkes.
"Um, won't the people here be kind of confused when they see two kids, one of whom has a horn in his head, arrive from the sky via giant bird?" asked Icicle.
Snape looked at her. "Are you kidding? These people have lived through Bush."
"How does that make sense!?" asked Draco.
"I don't know."
"Well, then, what do we do?"
"I can cover Draco's head with a blanket and say he's got a skin condition," said Icicle.
"Okay," said Snape. Fawkes landed gracefully on the car roof and cawed merrily while Icicle retrieved Ron's security blanket from the backseat and threw it over Draco's head. There was still a huge sharp lump where the horn was under the blanket. "Good enough," said Icicle.
Draco conjured up an egg salad sandwich, took a bite from under the blanket, and placed it on Ron's head. "Hold this for me."
Ron yelled. "Get yo' lunch offa my head, boy!"
Snape conjured up a bowl of tomato soup and placed it on Ron's head. Fawkes looked around, munching on a chunk of asphalt he tore up from the road. Icicle ate a phoenix treat because everyone else seemed to be having lunch and besides, they were yummy. "Shall we be off?" she asked, brushing a few crumbs off the front of her suit and putting on her sunglasses.
Draco: "Noggin!"
Icicle rolled her eyes and took hold of Fawkes' tail feathers. "Take my hand," she told Draco.
"I hope this bird has had a bathroom break," said Draco, grabbing her wrist as she rose off of the ground. Pretty soon, they were nothing more than a speck in the distance. Snape and Ron got back into the car and relaxed with the air conditioning on. Snape took his bowl of soup off of Ron's head and started eating it.
"We're all gonna die," said Ron.
"Yep," said Snape.
"...So, I understand you know God personally?"
"Sure do."
******
A/N: Wow, this is the shortest chapter I've done in a while. Lately for this story, I try to get between 5 and 7 pages on Microsoft Word, and this is just barely 5. But really, I couldn't think of a better place to end, so you'll just have to cope. ^-^ Not that I think it really matters that much. Oh yes, and bonus points to anyone who guesses what the 'I understand you know God personally' has to do with Snape. It is a reference to something else.