Mirror Mirror On The Wall
COMEDY Challenge Story Beginning:
1640 ZULU JAG HEADQUARTERS FALLS CHURCH, VA
"Here they are, Colonel, the details for the challenge."
"Come in, Harriet," Mac called, not looking up from the report she was working on.
Harriet closed the office door behind her and settled herself in front of Mac's desk, folder in hand. Mac finished her writing and pushed the files aside before turning a bright smile toward Harriet.
"What did they decide on?" she asked eagerly.
"You'll never guess! An all-male beauty pageant!"
Mac's eyes widened for just an instant before she burst out laughing. "You're kidding!" she demanded.
Harriet shook her head. "Nope. They want to see the men of the JAG offices in full beauty pageant regalia - complete with swimsuit, talent and evening gown categories."
An image sprang into Mac's mind of the men in her office dressed in little pink tutus and she started laughing hysterically. It was infectious and soon Harriet was laughing as well. It took a few minutes for them to get calmed down and they carefully wiped their eyes and took slow, deep breaths.
"Well, if nothing else, we got a good laugh of it," Harriet remarked.
Mac grinned in response. "They're never going to agree to this, Harriet."
"They have to, ma'am. We answered the challenge to raise money for the Navy- Marine Corp Relief Society."
******************************** "Good, then you can be the one to go and tell the Admiral. He likes you best and in your advanced condition he would not yell as much, either," Mac sighed, congratulating herself on coming up with such a good plan.
Harriett looked as if she had been betrayed by her best friend, "You are really mean, Ma'am!" she said as she waddled out of Mac's office.
Mac did feel guilty, for a few minutes anyway, that was, until she heard the bellow from her CO's office. A few seconds latter Harriett hurried out of the Admiral's office and went straight to her desk.
Using the dire need of coffee as her reason, Mac grabbed a quick cup and then paused at Harriett's desk. Her friend's shoulders were quivering. Mac felt awful. Placing her hand on Harriett's shoulder to comfort her, Mac was stunned when Harriett looked up with tears of mirth rolling down her face.
"My office, right now!" Mac said and led the way. Once they were in her office, Mac demanded, "Okay, tell all!"
"Well at first he was upset and said 'no way' until I reminded him that it was a challenge and for the Navy-Marine Corp Relief Society. He will be making the announcement soon."
Just then, they heard Tiner call, "Attention on deck!"
Admiral Chegwidden appeared in the bullpen, but instead of his usual 'as you were' he just called, "At ease. I have an announcement, if you will all join me, please," he waited while the ones in their offices came out to join the others in the bullpen. When everyone was there, he told them, "I have just been informed of what the challenge is the we answered for the Navy-Marine Corp Relief Society Fund. There will be an all-male beauty pageant in two weeks. Events will include swimwear competition, talent and evening gown parade." He waited for the gasps to die down but not long enough for the protests to start. "There will be NO exceptions! Do I make myself clear?" Getting the desired, 'Yes, Sirs,' he continued, "Ladies, so you will not feel totally left out, you will act as consultants on hair," running his hand over his bald head he continued, "well, for some of us, and make-up for those who want it. You will also be in charge of the organization of things. Colonel Mackenzie, you will act as Master of Ceremonies. That is all," he turned and went back to his office leaving pandemonium to break out in the bullpen.
Commander Rabb was just about to start complaining about the new turn of events when the Admiral poked his head back out of his office and said, "Commander Rabb, if you are even thinking of calling in sick, you have better have been toe-tagged!" and once again disappeared behind his closed door.
Harm looked disgruntled after the Admiral left and Sturgis decided to harass him about it. "Well, old buddy, he sure told you!"
"Yeah like you'll enjoy this any more that I will." Harm grumped.
"But Commanders, it could be fun!" Bud chimed in.
"And remember," Sturgis added with glee, "the Admiral said NO exceptions. That means that he will have to take part also!"
Harm almost choked on his coffee as he drew a mental picture of his CO in a strapless evening gown. "This might not be so bad after all then!"
Mirror Mirror On The Wall...
The first week after the Admiral's announcement passed quickly. Secret conversations about plans for the event were often quickly halted when someone else would walk into the room. The Ladies of JAG were amused by all the "hen-parties" (what they called these conversations) and just how jealously the men guarded what they were planning to wear and perform for a the talent portion of the event.
Harriett, of course, knew what Bud was up to, and Mac had it on reliable authority that Bobbie Latham was helping Sturgis with his attire, Harm had declared that he needed no help, which miffed Mac a bit. His explanation for this, was that Mac would have spent too much time making fun of him to really be of help, and the Petty Officers' Tiner and Coates were working together However, no one could glean any information on what the Admiral was planning to do or wear for the event.
*************** As the second week of preparations got underway, tensions rose, and so did the number of secret conversations. Because Harriett was getting close to her due date, the other women in the offices had decided to 'allow' her to oversee the organization, thinking that it would be a figurehead position that would not tire her out too much. However, they didn't count on Harriett's need to stay busy. Instead of keeping an eye on things, she had her hands in every aspect of the event. Less than two weeks until her due date, Harriett was still at work everyday. No one could get her to take it easy, and everyone had tried. Finally, the Admiral took matters into his own hands.
"Lieutenant Sims," he called out entering the bullpen.
"Yes, Sir?"
"Come into my office, I need your assistance."
"Yes, Sir," she said and waddled after him.
"No calls, Tiner," AJ instructed as they passed the Petty Officer's desk.
"Yes, Sir!" Tiner responded.
Once in his office, AJ led Harriett over to the couch. "Please sit here, Lieutenant. It has come to my attention that I need some rehearsal time on the talent portion of this event. I would like you to listen and give me honest feedback. And I am sure it goes without saying that I am relying on your discretion?"
"Oh, yes, Sir!"
"Here are the sonnets that I was thinking of, what do you think?" he handed her a paper.
Harriett read them over then looked up and asked, "Sir, were you thinking of Ms. Cavanaugh when you picked these out?"
"No, I wasn't, Harriett, why?"
"Well since your break-up with her you have seemed so sad, and these are love sonnets, so I thought you might have been thinking of her."
"I see. No, Harriett, I was thinking of someone else," he admitted without thinking.
"Oh!" Harriett smiled knowingly at him and handing the paper back, said, "Then I think you should look right at her when you read them."
"How do you know 'she' will be there, Lieutenant?" he asked. "For that matter, how could you possibly know who 'she' is?"
"Um, Sir, I know. I've known for years."
AJ looked uncomfortable at this revelation and coughed to try and cover it. "Yes, well, maybe we should get to that rehearsal."
"Yes, Sir! Go ahead."
He began to recite the two sonnets he had chosen. "Pardon me, Sir," Harriett interrupted hesitantly.
"Yes, Harriett?"
"Sir, if you want to win points at the pageant and with ...your lady...you need to put more feeling into it. Um, why don't you close your eyes and pretend I'm... her?"
He looked at her skeptically and then nodded, to tell her that he would try it. Slowly at first, because he felt a bit silly, standing there in his office reciting Shakespeare with his eyes closed, AJ concentrated on Sarah. Thinking of saying these words to her, of at last telling her how he had felt all these years.
Tears rolled down her face as Harriett listened to the beautiful words, and the tender feelings in his deep voice. She knew that Buddy loved her, but he had never quoted poetry to her like this, it was so romantic!
AJ had just recited, "Dear heart, forbear to glance thine eye aside," when Bud entered the office.
"Sir, are you reciting love poetry to my wife?"
Startled, AJ opened his eyes and looked at the confused Bud and the crying Harriett, "Yes, Lieutenant, I was. Do you have a problem with that?"
Harriett giggled through her tears at the look on her husbands face. "Oh, Buddy, don't be silly, the Admiral was just practicing his talent for the show and... keeping me off my feet so I don't overdo."
The Admiral's laugh could be heard in the bullpen, "How did you figure that out?"
"Well, everyone has been trying to get me to slow down, then all of a sudden, you want me to listen to you rehearse something that you have kept secret for about two weeks, it wasn't hard, Sir."
"Has anyone ever told you, you have potential as a lawyer, Lieutenant Sims?" AJ grinned.
"Why thank you Sir!" she smiled as she struggled to get up from the couch. Both Bud and AJ reached out hands to help her. "Soon I'll need a crane to get up from things," Harriett sighed.
"Just don't have that baby before Sunday. You would not want to miss this show."
"I'll be there even if I'm in labor, Sir!"
"NO, you won't! I am not a midwife!"
"But, Sir, you did such a great job the first time......" she trailed off with a smirk.
"Out, you two," the Admiral declared when he could think of no reply. He really was touched at how special they made him feel for delivering his namesake, Little AJ.
**************** Finally, Saturday arrived and all the prep work for the event was at last done. Guests were flooding into the auditorium. They were all dressed to the hilt, many in formal evening wear and just as many in dress military uniforms.
Harriett was teased for her baggy, but comfortable, sweats. She claimed that since Bud was wearing the only gown that would fit her in her condition, and since she intended to stay back stage anyway, that she was exempt from formal dress.
Mac was in a gorgeous, form-fitting gown of emerald green. As the evening got underway, she went out onto the stage and welcomed everyone. "I would like to explain how the voting will take place this evening. In front of each of you, there is a keypad, you slide a valid credit card through the slot. You may vote as often as you like for your favorite contestant in each of three categories. Each vote will cost you $100. Remember, ALL proceeds go to the Navy-Marine Corp Relief Society Fund. So please be generous! Votes will be tabulated by computer, and winners of each category will be announced. Please enjoy the evening for the entertainment value it was meant to be!"
As the applause died down Mac moved off stage to her 'announcer's' spot at the end of the runway, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remember the contestants number, that is how you will be voting for them. They will appear in reverse order of rank, so I give you our first contestant, Petty Officer Jason Tiner! Jason enjoys an old fashioned time at the beach with picnics and his best girl by his side."
Tiner walked out on stage wearing a 1940's style, striped suit, with sleeves and legs that came to his knees. The audience cheered!
"Our next contestant is Lieutenant Bud Roberts, sorry, ladies, but Bud is a married man. He enjoys computer games and playing with his son, AJ, he and his wife are expecting their second child any day now," Mac introduced Bud.
Bud walked out in navy blue boxer type trunks with large yellow ducks on them, he had a plastic pail and shovel in one hand, and under the other arm he carried a large beach ball. The audience cheered!
"Commander Sturgis Turner is our next contestant this evening. He is single, ladies! He enjoys swimming and helping his friend Harm restore cars."
Sturgis came out in blood-red briefs, with a blue-and-white striped towel slung over his shoulder and sunglasses on. The audience cheered!
"Commander Harmon Rabb is next, ladies he is also single. His passions include flying F14's and shooting off guns in courtrooms!"
Harm strode out in a short terry cloth beach coat, he reached the end of the runway and ever so slowly untied the belt of the robe and let it slide off his shoulders to reveal a miniscule black Speedo suit. The ladies cheered!
"Admiral AJ Chegwidden tells me that when a SEAL goes swimming he likes to be prepared for any eventuality."
AJ appeared to a stunned audience, he was wearing a fully equipped halo- diving suit, complete with parachute and breathing tanks. The black rubber suit hugged his muscled body like a glove. Two ladies fainted!
"Ladies and Gentlemen, that concludes the swimwear portion of our evening, if you will please vote for your favorite contestant, they will take this time to prepare for the talent portion of the evening."
After about a five-minute break to allow time for everyone to place their votes, Mac once again picked up the microphone and announced the beginning of the talent competition. "Once again, Jason Tiner leads off this portion of the evening, he will be singing for you a song by Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim, called, "I Feel Pretty"."
Tiner stepped onto the stage in exaggerated drag, very red lipstick, large fake eyelashes and sequined evening gown. He sang:
I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.
I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real.
The audience roared with laughter!
Mac tried to hold back her laughter as she rose to announce Bud, "Bud Roberts will be playing a ragtime selection on the piano. It is entitled "Sleepy Hollow Rag" by Clarence Woods."
When he finished, there was polite applause.
"Sturgis Turner is here this evening to perform for you "In The Garden"."
He came on stage wearing a black suit and tie. Sturgis simply stood there and belted out the song a capella. It was very moving. The applause was loud and long.
"Harmon Rabb will entertain you with his rendition of Alan Jackson's "Where Were You"."
Harm came out in faded blue jeans and a denim shirt, he sat down on a stool and began to play his guitar and sing. At the end there was a long hushed pause and then the roar of applause.
"Tonight AJ Chegwidden is here with a recitation of two of William Shakespeare's love sonnets."
AJ walked out in a beige cable knit sweater and dark brown cords, he held nothing in his hands and just walked to the center of the stage. When the crowd was quiet he began to speak.
Mac was looking up at him, and it seemed to her that he was staring at her the entire time. Both sonnets were beautiful, but it was the second one that really touched her heart, and spoke to the hidden feelings she had had for him for so long. How she wished he had meant these words for her...
O! call not me to justify the wrong
That thy unkindness lays upon my heart;
Wound me not with thine eye, but with thy tongue:
Use power with power, and slay me not by art,
Tell me thou lov'st elsewhere; but in my sight,
Dear heart, forbear to glance thine eye aside:
What need'st thou wound with cunning, when thy might
Is more than my o'erpressed defence can bide?
Let me excuse thee: ah! my love well knows
Her pretty looks have been mine enemies;
And therefore from my face she turns my foes,
That they elsewhere might dart their injuries:
Yet do not so; but since I am near slain,
Kill me outright with looks, and rid my pain.
There was not a single female in the audience that had dry eyes, when AJ finished the second sonnet. The applause was deafening.
When Mac announced Tiner for the evening gown competition, there was a stunned silence from the crowd. He was in an outfit from the movie South Pacific. His grass skirt swayed as he walked down the runway, at the end he paused a moment to throw out his chest and show off his coconut-shell bra. The crowd went wild!
Because of his prosthetic leg, Bud was wearing his regular shoes under the gown that Harriett had gotten from Madonna's collection. It really ruined the effect but the applause was still enthusiastic. Everyone was being really great sports about things.
Bobbie Lathem had done a fantastic job helping Sturgis with this part of the evening, the audience gasped when he appeared. He was stunning! In a bronze colored beaded gown with a coffee colored shoulder length wig, and a tiger-eye necklace and earring set, he really was beautiful. The crowd loved him.
Harm was next and it could be seen that he had also put some work in on his attire. He was wearing the Navy full dress-mess uniform, the females'! He also wore a short curly wig with the regulation pillbox hat, even his make- up was nicely done. The applause showed appreciation for his efforts.
Then it was time for the last contestant of the evening, Mac introduced Admiral Chegwidden for the third time. AJ had not tried to go 'female' in anyway, but he was dressed in a very formal Kilt. Mac's heart skipped a beat at how handsome he was. His heavily muscled legs looked great in knee socks. As he reached the end of the runway and prepared for his return trip, Mac looked up, just in time to see the slight flare of his kilt as he made his turn. He was regimental—which meant he was not wearing any underwear! Mac's cheeks were a rosy shade of pink as AJ left the stage.
It took her a few minutes to realize that she was leaving the crowd hanging by not returning to the stage to announce the evening's winners. Shaking herself back to the present, she walked back stage to retrieve the computerized results, and came back to center stage.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you all for your generosity this evening. We have managed to raised $42,300 for the Navy-Marine Corp Relief Society Fund," she waited for the applause to die down before continuing, "And now to find out who your favorites were this evening... if the contestants will please join me on stage..." she waited for them to appear and stand in a line behind her. "The winner of the swimsuit competition is Lieutenant Bud Roberts!"
Bud stepped forward to give a brief thank you speech, and then Mac went on to announce the next winner, "And in the talent competition our winner is Admiral AJ Chegwidden!" AJ also came forward and thanked everyone for their votes and donations to the cause.
"Now last but certainly not least, I give you the winner of the evening gown competition, Commander," as she gave the rank, Harm took one step forward, expecting to hear his name, but Mac continued, "Sturgis Turner!" The stunned look on Harm's face was priceless!
As Sturgis stepped forward to say his thank-yous, Mac tried and barely succeeded in hiding her laughter. She noticed that even the Admiral had to cover his chuckle with a cough. Once again Mac thanked everyone for coming and their generous donations, and the evening was over.
Back stage as the JAG crew were busy congratulating the winners, Mac found a quiet moment, and her mind drifted back to the glimpse that she had gotten of AJ as his kilt flared. It made her think of a song that she had heard at a Renaissance Fair one time. The song had been about a Scotsman but could so easily have been changed to fit AJ. She smiled as the song drifted through her mind...
The Admiral (Scotsman)
Well, an Admiral clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair,
One could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share.
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet,
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
About that time two bonnie lassies happened by,
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye:
"See yon sleeping Admiral, so strong and handsome built?
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilt!"
They crept up on that sleeping Admiral quiet as could be;
And lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see.
And there, behold, for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt,
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
They marveled for a moment, then one said: "We must be gone.
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow,
Around the bonnie spar the Admiral's kilt did lift and show.
Now the Admiral woke to nature's call, and stumbled to the trees.
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt, and gawks at what he sees.
And in a startled voice he says, to what's before his eyes,
"Ack, lad I don't know where ye been, but I see ye won first prize!"
Mac was startled out of her daydream by a conversation going near her. Bobbie Lathem was explaining to Harm that Sturgis had won the evening gown competition because he was the prettiest.
"What do you mean, he's prettiest?! I'm not pretty enough? Mac, don't you think I'm prettier than Sturgis?" Harm tried to enlist Mac's help. "Um... is that supposed to be a trick question?" Mac replied.
Everyone standing around had heard Harm's question and Mac's reply, some tried to stifle their laughter, but there were enough of the others that did not. His feelings hurt, Harm walked to his dressing room to change back into his own clothes. He knew he was prettier than Sturgis, he just could not understand why the rest of them could not see it! Harm just knew that he was prettiest of all!
The End
1640 ZULU JAG HEADQUARTERS FALLS CHURCH, VA
"Here they are, Colonel, the details for the challenge."
"Come in, Harriet," Mac called, not looking up from the report she was working on.
Harriet closed the office door behind her and settled herself in front of Mac's desk, folder in hand. Mac finished her writing and pushed the files aside before turning a bright smile toward Harriet.
"What did they decide on?" she asked eagerly.
"You'll never guess! An all-male beauty pageant!"
Mac's eyes widened for just an instant before she burst out laughing. "You're kidding!" she demanded.
Harriet shook her head. "Nope. They want to see the men of the JAG offices in full beauty pageant regalia - complete with swimsuit, talent and evening gown categories."
An image sprang into Mac's mind of the men in her office dressed in little pink tutus and she started laughing hysterically. It was infectious and soon Harriet was laughing as well. It took a few minutes for them to get calmed down and they carefully wiped their eyes and took slow, deep breaths.
"Well, if nothing else, we got a good laugh of it," Harriet remarked.
Mac grinned in response. "They're never going to agree to this, Harriet."
"They have to, ma'am. We answered the challenge to raise money for the Navy- Marine Corp Relief Society."
******************************** "Good, then you can be the one to go and tell the Admiral. He likes you best and in your advanced condition he would not yell as much, either," Mac sighed, congratulating herself on coming up with such a good plan.
Harriett looked as if she had been betrayed by her best friend, "You are really mean, Ma'am!" she said as she waddled out of Mac's office.
Mac did feel guilty, for a few minutes anyway, that was, until she heard the bellow from her CO's office. A few seconds latter Harriett hurried out of the Admiral's office and went straight to her desk.
Using the dire need of coffee as her reason, Mac grabbed a quick cup and then paused at Harriett's desk. Her friend's shoulders were quivering. Mac felt awful. Placing her hand on Harriett's shoulder to comfort her, Mac was stunned when Harriett looked up with tears of mirth rolling down her face.
"My office, right now!" Mac said and led the way. Once they were in her office, Mac demanded, "Okay, tell all!"
"Well at first he was upset and said 'no way' until I reminded him that it was a challenge and for the Navy-Marine Corp Relief Society. He will be making the announcement soon."
Just then, they heard Tiner call, "Attention on deck!"
Admiral Chegwidden appeared in the bullpen, but instead of his usual 'as you were' he just called, "At ease. I have an announcement, if you will all join me, please," he waited while the ones in their offices came out to join the others in the bullpen. When everyone was there, he told them, "I have just been informed of what the challenge is the we answered for the Navy-Marine Corp Relief Society Fund. There will be an all-male beauty pageant in two weeks. Events will include swimwear competition, talent and evening gown parade." He waited for the gasps to die down but not long enough for the protests to start. "There will be NO exceptions! Do I make myself clear?" Getting the desired, 'Yes, Sirs,' he continued, "Ladies, so you will not feel totally left out, you will act as consultants on hair," running his hand over his bald head he continued, "well, for some of us, and make-up for those who want it. You will also be in charge of the organization of things. Colonel Mackenzie, you will act as Master of Ceremonies. That is all," he turned and went back to his office leaving pandemonium to break out in the bullpen.
Commander Rabb was just about to start complaining about the new turn of events when the Admiral poked his head back out of his office and said, "Commander Rabb, if you are even thinking of calling in sick, you have better have been toe-tagged!" and once again disappeared behind his closed door.
Harm looked disgruntled after the Admiral left and Sturgis decided to harass him about it. "Well, old buddy, he sure told you!"
"Yeah like you'll enjoy this any more that I will." Harm grumped.
"But Commanders, it could be fun!" Bud chimed in.
"And remember," Sturgis added with glee, "the Admiral said NO exceptions. That means that he will have to take part also!"
Harm almost choked on his coffee as he drew a mental picture of his CO in a strapless evening gown. "This might not be so bad after all then!"
Mirror Mirror On The Wall...
The first week after the Admiral's announcement passed quickly. Secret conversations about plans for the event were often quickly halted when someone else would walk into the room. The Ladies of JAG were amused by all the "hen-parties" (what they called these conversations) and just how jealously the men guarded what they were planning to wear and perform for a the talent portion of the event.
Harriett, of course, knew what Bud was up to, and Mac had it on reliable authority that Bobbie Latham was helping Sturgis with his attire, Harm had declared that he needed no help, which miffed Mac a bit. His explanation for this, was that Mac would have spent too much time making fun of him to really be of help, and the Petty Officers' Tiner and Coates were working together However, no one could glean any information on what the Admiral was planning to do or wear for the event.
*************** As the second week of preparations got underway, tensions rose, and so did the number of secret conversations. Because Harriett was getting close to her due date, the other women in the offices had decided to 'allow' her to oversee the organization, thinking that it would be a figurehead position that would not tire her out too much. However, they didn't count on Harriett's need to stay busy. Instead of keeping an eye on things, she had her hands in every aspect of the event. Less than two weeks until her due date, Harriett was still at work everyday. No one could get her to take it easy, and everyone had tried. Finally, the Admiral took matters into his own hands.
"Lieutenant Sims," he called out entering the bullpen.
"Yes, Sir?"
"Come into my office, I need your assistance."
"Yes, Sir," she said and waddled after him.
"No calls, Tiner," AJ instructed as they passed the Petty Officer's desk.
"Yes, Sir!" Tiner responded.
Once in his office, AJ led Harriett over to the couch. "Please sit here, Lieutenant. It has come to my attention that I need some rehearsal time on the talent portion of this event. I would like you to listen and give me honest feedback. And I am sure it goes without saying that I am relying on your discretion?"
"Oh, yes, Sir!"
"Here are the sonnets that I was thinking of, what do you think?" he handed her a paper.
Harriett read them over then looked up and asked, "Sir, were you thinking of Ms. Cavanaugh when you picked these out?"
"No, I wasn't, Harriett, why?"
"Well since your break-up with her you have seemed so sad, and these are love sonnets, so I thought you might have been thinking of her."
"I see. No, Harriett, I was thinking of someone else," he admitted without thinking.
"Oh!" Harriett smiled knowingly at him and handing the paper back, said, "Then I think you should look right at her when you read them."
"How do you know 'she' will be there, Lieutenant?" he asked. "For that matter, how could you possibly know who 'she' is?"
"Um, Sir, I know. I've known for years."
AJ looked uncomfortable at this revelation and coughed to try and cover it. "Yes, well, maybe we should get to that rehearsal."
"Yes, Sir! Go ahead."
He began to recite the two sonnets he had chosen. "Pardon me, Sir," Harriett interrupted hesitantly.
"Yes, Harriett?"
"Sir, if you want to win points at the pageant and with ...your lady...you need to put more feeling into it. Um, why don't you close your eyes and pretend I'm... her?"
He looked at her skeptically and then nodded, to tell her that he would try it. Slowly at first, because he felt a bit silly, standing there in his office reciting Shakespeare with his eyes closed, AJ concentrated on Sarah. Thinking of saying these words to her, of at last telling her how he had felt all these years.
Tears rolled down her face as Harriett listened to the beautiful words, and the tender feelings in his deep voice. She knew that Buddy loved her, but he had never quoted poetry to her like this, it was so romantic!
AJ had just recited, "Dear heart, forbear to glance thine eye aside," when Bud entered the office.
"Sir, are you reciting love poetry to my wife?"
Startled, AJ opened his eyes and looked at the confused Bud and the crying Harriett, "Yes, Lieutenant, I was. Do you have a problem with that?"
Harriett giggled through her tears at the look on her husbands face. "Oh, Buddy, don't be silly, the Admiral was just practicing his talent for the show and... keeping me off my feet so I don't overdo."
The Admiral's laugh could be heard in the bullpen, "How did you figure that out?"
"Well, everyone has been trying to get me to slow down, then all of a sudden, you want me to listen to you rehearse something that you have kept secret for about two weeks, it wasn't hard, Sir."
"Has anyone ever told you, you have potential as a lawyer, Lieutenant Sims?" AJ grinned.
"Why thank you Sir!" she smiled as she struggled to get up from the couch. Both Bud and AJ reached out hands to help her. "Soon I'll need a crane to get up from things," Harriett sighed.
"Just don't have that baby before Sunday. You would not want to miss this show."
"I'll be there even if I'm in labor, Sir!"
"NO, you won't! I am not a midwife!"
"But, Sir, you did such a great job the first time......" she trailed off with a smirk.
"Out, you two," the Admiral declared when he could think of no reply. He really was touched at how special they made him feel for delivering his namesake, Little AJ.
**************** Finally, Saturday arrived and all the prep work for the event was at last done. Guests were flooding into the auditorium. They were all dressed to the hilt, many in formal evening wear and just as many in dress military uniforms.
Harriett was teased for her baggy, but comfortable, sweats. She claimed that since Bud was wearing the only gown that would fit her in her condition, and since she intended to stay back stage anyway, that she was exempt from formal dress.
Mac was in a gorgeous, form-fitting gown of emerald green. As the evening got underway, she went out onto the stage and welcomed everyone. "I would like to explain how the voting will take place this evening. In front of each of you, there is a keypad, you slide a valid credit card through the slot. You may vote as often as you like for your favorite contestant in each of three categories. Each vote will cost you $100. Remember, ALL proceeds go to the Navy-Marine Corp Relief Society Fund. So please be generous! Votes will be tabulated by computer, and winners of each category will be announced. Please enjoy the evening for the entertainment value it was meant to be!"
As the applause died down Mac moved off stage to her 'announcer's' spot at the end of the runway, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remember the contestants number, that is how you will be voting for them. They will appear in reverse order of rank, so I give you our first contestant, Petty Officer Jason Tiner! Jason enjoys an old fashioned time at the beach with picnics and his best girl by his side."
Tiner walked out on stage wearing a 1940's style, striped suit, with sleeves and legs that came to his knees. The audience cheered!
"Our next contestant is Lieutenant Bud Roberts, sorry, ladies, but Bud is a married man. He enjoys computer games and playing with his son, AJ, he and his wife are expecting their second child any day now," Mac introduced Bud.
Bud walked out in navy blue boxer type trunks with large yellow ducks on them, he had a plastic pail and shovel in one hand, and under the other arm he carried a large beach ball. The audience cheered!
"Commander Sturgis Turner is our next contestant this evening. He is single, ladies! He enjoys swimming and helping his friend Harm restore cars."
Sturgis came out in blood-red briefs, with a blue-and-white striped towel slung over his shoulder and sunglasses on. The audience cheered!
"Commander Harmon Rabb is next, ladies he is also single. His passions include flying F14's and shooting off guns in courtrooms!"
Harm strode out in a short terry cloth beach coat, he reached the end of the runway and ever so slowly untied the belt of the robe and let it slide off his shoulders to reveal a miniscule black Speedo suit. The ladies cheered!
"Admiral AJ Chegwidden tells me that when a SEAL goes swimming he likes to be prepared for any eventuality."
AJ appeared to a stunned audience, he was wearing a fully equipped halo- diving suit, complete with parachute and breathing tanks. The black rubber suit hugged his muscled body like a glove. Two ladies fainted!
"Ladies and Gentlemen, that concludes the swimwear portion of our evening, if you will please vote for your favorite contestant, they will take this time to prepare for the talent portion of the evening."
After about a five-minute break to allow time for everyone to place their votes, Mac once again picked up the microphone and announced the beginning of the talent competition. "Once again, Jason Tiner leads off this portion of the evening, he will be singing for you a song by Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim, called, "I Feel Pretty"."
Tiner stepped onto the stage in exaggerated drag, very red lipstick, large fake eyelashes and sequined evening gown. He sang:
I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.
I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real.
The audience roared with laughter!
Mac tried to hold back her laughter as she rose to announce Bud, "Bud Roberts will be playing a ragtime selection on the piano. It is entitled "Sleepy Hollow Rag" by Clarence Woods."
When he finished, there was polite applause.
"Sturgis Turner is here this evening to perform for you "In The Garden"."
He came on stage wearing a black suit and tie. Sturgis simply stood there and belted out the song a capella. It was very moving. The applause was loud and long.
"Harmon Rabb will entertain you with his rendition of Alan Jackson's "Where Were You"."
Harm came out in faded blue jeans and a denim shirt, he sat down on a stool and began to play his guitar and sing. At the end there was a long hushed pause and then the roar of applause.
"Tonight AJ Chegwidden is here with a recitation of two of William Shakespeare's love sonnets."
AJ walked out in a beige cable knit sweater and dark brown cords, he held nothing in his hands and just walked to the center of the stage. When the crowd was quiet he began to speak.
Mac was looking up at him, and it seemed to her that he was staring at her the entire time. Both sonnets were beautiful, but it was the second one that really touched her heart, and spoke to the hidden feelings she had had for him for so long. How she wished he had meant these words for her...
O! call not me to justify the wrong
That thy unkindness lays upon my heart;
Wound me not with thine eye, but with thy tongue:
Use power with power, and slay me not by art,
Tell me thou lov'st elsewhere; but in my sight,
Dear heart, forbear to glance thine eye aside:
What need'st thou wound with cunning, when thy might
Is more than my o'erpressed defence can bide?
Let me excuse thee: ah! my love well knows
Her pretty looks have been mine enemies;
And therefore from my face she turns my foes,
That they elsewhere might dart their injuries:
Yet do not so; but since I am near slain,
Kill me outright with looks, and rid my pain.
There was not a single female in the audience that had dry eyes, when AJ finished the second sonnet. The applause was deafening.
When Mac announced Tiner for the evening gown competition, there was a stunned silence from the crowd. He was in an outfit from the movie South Pacific. His grass skirt swayed as he walked down the runway, at the end he paused a moment to throw out his chest and show off his coconut-shell bra. The crowd went wild!
Because of his prosthetic leg, Bud was wearing his regular shoes under the gown that Harriett had gotten from Madonna's collection. It really ruined the effect but the applause was still enthusiastic. Everyone was being really great sports about things.
Bobbie Lathem had done a fantastic job helping Sturgis with this part of the evening, the audience gasped when he appeared. He was stunning! In a bronze colored beaded gown with a coffee colored shoulder length wig, and a tiger-eye necklace and earring set, he really was beautiful. The crowd loved him.
Harm was next and it could be seen that he had also put some work in on his attire. He was wearing the Navy full dress-mess uniform, the females'! He also wore a short curly wig with the regulation pillbox hat, even his make- up was nicely done. The applause showed appreciation for his efforts.
Then it was time for the last contestant of the evening, Mac introduced Admiral Chegwidden for the third time. AJ had not tried to go 'female' in anyway, but he was dressed in a very formal Kilt. Mac's heart skipped a beat at how handsome he was. His heavily muscled legs looked great in knee socks. As he reached the end of the runway and prepared for his return trip, Mac looked up, just in time to see the slight flare of his kilt as he made his turn. He was regimental—which meant he was not wearing any underwear! Mac's cheeks were a rosy shade of pink as AJ left the stage.
It took her a few minutes to realize that she was leaving the crowd hanging by not returning to the stage to announce the evening's winners. Shaking herself back to the present, she walked back stage to retrieve the computerized results, and came back to center stage.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you all for your generosity this evening. We have managed to raised $42,300 for the Navy-Marine Corp Relief Society Fund," she waited for the applause to die down before continuing, "And now to find out who your favorites were this evening... if the contestants will please join me on stage..." she waited for them to appear and stand in a line behind her. "The winner of the swimsuit competition is Lieutenant Bud Roberts!"
Bud stepped forward to give a brief thank you speech, and then Mac went on to announce the next winner, "And in the talent competition our winner is Admiral AJ Chegwidden!" AJ also came forward and thanked everyone for their votes and donations to the cause.
"Now last but certainly not least, I give you the winner of the evening gown competition, Commander," as she gave the rank, Harm took one step forward, expecting to hear his name, but Mac continued, "Sturgis Turner!" The stunned look on Harm's face was priceless!
As Sturgis stepped forward to say his thank-yous, Mac tried and barely succeeded in hiding her laughter. She noticed that even the Admiral had to cover his chuckle with a cough. Once again Mac thanked everyone for coming and their generous donations, and the evening was over.
Back stage as the JAG crew were busy congratulating the winners, Mac found a quiet moment, and her mind drifted back to the glimpse that she had gotten of AJ as his kilt flared. It made her think of a song that she had heard at a Renaissance Fair one time. The song had been about a Scotsman but could so easily have been changed to fit AJ. She smiled as the song drifted through her mind...
The Admiral (Scotsman)
Well, an Admiral clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair,
One could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share.
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet,
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
About that time two bonnie lassies happened by,
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye:
"See yon sleeping Admiral, so strong and handsome built?
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilt!"
They crept up on that sleeping Admiral quiet as could be;
And lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see.
And there, behold, for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt,
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
They marveled for a moment, then one said: "We must be gone.
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow,
Around the bonnie spar the Admiral's kilt did lift and show.
Now the Admiral woke to nature's call, and stumbled to the trees.
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt, and gawks at what he sees.
And in a startled voice he says, to what's before his eyes,
"Ack, lad I don't know where ye been, but I see ye won first prize!"
Mac was startled out of her daydream by a conversation going near her. Bobbie Lathem was explaining to Harm that Sturgis had won the evening gown competition because he was the prettiest.
"What do you mean, he's prettiest?! I'm not pretty enough? Mac, don't you think I'm prettier than Sturgis?" Harm tried to enlist Mac's help. "Um... is that supposed to be a trick question?" Mac replied.
Everyone standing around had heard Harm's question and Mac's reply, some tried to stifle their laughter, but there were enough of the others that did not. His feelings hurt, Harm walked to his dressing room to change back into his own clothes. He knew he was prettier than Sturgis, he just could not understand why the rest of them could not see it! Harm just knew that he was prettiest of all!
The End