Disclaimer: Not mine, J.K Rowling's.
Dedicated to my Beta Reader Dom
***
I knew, from the moment that I woke up, that it was going to be a bad day. I'm not sure how, there was just something in the air.
I got up, and the moment I put my foot on the floor I felt a stab of pain. It was Goyle's stupid cat, Fairleigh. The blasted thing had been sleeping by my bed, and scratched me when I stood on it.
"Get away you stupid animal." I hissed, trying to kick it.
"Malfoy, don't." Whined Goyle, picking up the monster. It glared at me over his shoulder as he carried it away, obviously plotting my demise. I like cats mostly, but I always knew that creature was a thing of evil.
"That cat has it in for me." I muttered darkly, looking at my scratched foot.
"Huh huh." Laughed Crabbe from his bed, obviously finding my pain amusing. I considered punishing him straight away, but decided to wait till later, when he was completely relaxed.
At breakfast, things just got worse. The owls came in as usual, and I paid little attention to them as I ate my food, that is until one of the dratted birds landed in it.
"Why do animals hate me?" I exclaimed, prodding the dead looking bird. It was grey, but apart from that I couldn't tell what sort of owl it was. It opened one eye and hooted feebly at me, and I wondered what was worse, having a dead bird in my food, or a live one.
"Hey, is that Errol?" I heard a voice call, and groaned to myself when I saw a ginger head approach. It was Weasley, followed shortly by Potter and that Mudblood Granger.
"You mean this dust mop is a owl?" I asked, prodding it with my wand, "I thought one of the owls just found it on the ground and decided to use it to annoy us students."
"Leave Errol alone." Weasley muttered, looking unwilling to reach across and pick it up.
"Let me Ron." Granger said kindly, pulling out her wand. I knew she was about to show off, "Wingardium Leviosa!" The owl hovered above the table, looking slightly worried, "Accio Errol!" The owl shot over to them, and Weasley caught it easily, much to my frustration. It would have been so funny it he had missed.
"Come on, let's go." Potter said, leading his friends away, "Like I was saying before, don't be so hard on Dean, if it wasn't working then it wasn't working."
"But you should have seen Ginny, she was in tears!" Weasley insisted, a phrase that caught my attention. Ginny was the little girl Weasley, the one who had beat me in Quidditch and, to add to the humiliation, cursed me when I was supposed to be watching her and the others for Umbridge. And it looked like her boyfriend, that Mudblood Dean Thomas, had just dumped her. Maybe I had been wrong this morning, I thought to myself, maybe today wasn't going to be so bad.
Classes weren't very fun, to put it mildly. I had Potions in the morning, which could have been worse. Potter and Weasley are both in my class, although Granger seemed to have dropped the subject. The first lesson was quite enjoyable as I got to watch Snape torture Potter and Weasley, but the lesson itself was hard, and the potion I ended up with was not at all satisfactory.
The day continued in that fashion. I had forgotten my homework for DADA; I couldn't change my cactus into a cat in transfiguration and the chair I was supposed to charm to fart loudly when you sat on it burped instead.
"Drackie darling, what's wrong?" Pansy asked, and I felt an almost irresistible urge to transfigure her nose into a bumblebee.
"Nothing." I muttered, leaving the Slytherin common room. I was sick of her simpering over me, acting like a stupid cow. If she were a bit more headstrong I'd probably have liked her far more.
I decided to go outside and enjoy the last of the warm weather. On the way out I passed the girl's toilets, just in time to see Ginny Weasley walking out. She was rubbing her eyes, and her hair was a mess. She didn't see me, and started walking in the same direction as where I was headed. I decided to follow her, and found, to my great delight, that she was also going outside.
I followed at a distance until she reached a tree. There she sat down, and began to cry.
"Aw, poor little Weasel, did your boyfriend dump you?" I asked in a mock baby voice. She looked up, startled, and I smiled maliciously.
"None of our business Malfoy!" She shouted, her already red face going even redder.
"You can't even keep hold of a little Mudblood, it's no wonder no one with any standards wants you." I hissed, loving the way her face scrunched up in pain.
"Don't you dare call him that!" She practically screamed, tears streaming down her face.
"Are you defending him Weasley?" I asked, "The boy dumped you, and you defend him? That is the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. I'm embarrassed to be of the same race as you."
"You can't judge me Malfoy." She hissed, "Do you even know how to love?"
The question shouldn't have rattled me; in fact, it should have given me even more to laugh at her about. She was in love with this boy, and he dumped her, how pathetic. But I did the most foolish thing I could have done it that situation. I thought about the question.
Do I know how to love? Who is it that you love? I don't love my parents, that's for sure. My father is an arrogant fool who wound up in Azkaban, and my mother is a pitiful creature with no will of her own. What about girlfriends? Well, I don't love Pansy; the girl is irritating at best. Blaise Zabini I've liked for a long time, but I was only mildly annoyed when she started dating the prefect in the year above us. I've had plenty of other girlfriends as well, mainly Slytherin, except this one Ravenclaw in the year below me.
I looked at Ginny Weasley's face; tear streaked and red with anger and pain. Her expression was questioning, but barely covered the anguish that lied beneath it. Have I ever loved anyone so much that the thought of them not loving me in return is enough to kill me? No, not even close. Would I even know how to love someone? No.
"No."
"I didn't think so." She whispered.
"Love makes you weak." I said quickly, "Look what it's done to you. I'm glad I've never been in love."
"You're a fool Malfoy." She told me, "Love makes you strong. Knowing that there is someone who'd die for you makes you strong, and knowing that you'd die for someone makes you human."
"But Dean wouldn't die for you, would he Weasley?" I asked. The look of pain overcame her face now, but she didn't look away, didn't try to hide it. I felt the first tug of admiration for her then.
"No, he wouldn't, but I can forgive him for that." She said, "And I'll get over him, get over the pain, and I'll be stronger. Feeling this pain doesn't make me weak, but hiding from it, not letting myself feel it, that would make me weak."
"I'm not hiding from it!" I felt myself shout, and berated myself for letting this girl in, "I've just never met someone good enough for me to love before."
"You went out with that Ravenclaw girl in my year, didn't you? Sofia Crawford?" She asked, "She cried for weeks after you broke up with her. What was so wrong with her that you couldn't love her? She loved you, she told me so in our Transfiguration class. Why couldn't you love her, why did you have to break up with her?"
I should have, at that point, told her to mind her own business, but it was a question I had asked myself before. Why had I broken up with Sofia? She was pretty; there was no denying that. Long black hair that hung like silk, skin that looked permanently tanned, large dark eyes. And we had got on well; she was one of the few girls who I could ever be myself around. I never felt like I had to prove anything to her, she loved me for being who I was.
And she had told me that she loved me. And a week later I had broken up with her. Was Weasley right, was I hiding out of fear of being hurt? Could Sofia have hurt me? Yes, because I could have fallen in love with her.
"When I ask questions I kinda like them to be answered." She snapped after a moment, and I realised that my mind had drifted.
"There was nothing wrong with Sofia, she was perfect." I whispered, looking down.
"Now who's pathetic?" She asked me, standing up, "At least I don't run like a baby anytime someone gets too close. So you can think I'm weak all you want, but you'll never know how strong you are until you start taking risks."
And with that she walked away, and out of my life, for a very long time.
***
A week after my encounter with Ginny Weasley I asked Sofia out again, and she had accepted; only rubbing it in slightly. We went out for the rest of my sixth year, and the beginning of my seventh. And I did fall in love with her, and I was happier then I had ever remembered being. My mother had approved of her, saying that she came from a good family, but I hadn't cared what family she'd come from, as long as she continued to smile at me like she did, hold my hand like she did.
But, a few months into my seventh year we began to fight, great huge fights where we'd scream at each other, both crying. And afterwards, when we were curled up together, whispering our apologies, I'd wonder if we'd make up after our next argument. And eventually came the time when we didn't.
"I'm not being unreasonable!" I shouted as she headed for the door. We were in a seldom-used classroom, which was our special meeting place, "All I want to know is where you're going!"
"You're being possessive Draco." She snapped, glaring at me, "You don't trust me not to throw myself at any boy who looks at me."
"I'm not accusing you of cheating on me." I told her, "I'm just asking you where you're going. You're so damn suspicious, you over analyse everything I say to you."
"I'm suspicious? You're the one who flies off the handle every time you see me talking to another boy." She said, her cheeks growing pink, "If you didn't think I was cheating on you then you wouldn't get so angry when I hung out with Anthony or Terry."
She had me there. I was hugely jealous of the two Ravenclaw boys who she hung around with, and I did suspect that she was cheating on me with one of them. But instead of confessing my fears, I covered them with bravado.
"As if you would prefer one of those morons to me." I spat, "Goldstein's a prick, and Boot's an idiot."
"Don't you dare insult my friends!" She shouted, "At least they're not conceited arrogant bastards! You're just like your father; you think you're better than everybody else. Well let me tell you something Draco Malfoy, you're not!"
"I'm nothing like my father!" I shouted back, "I don't think I'm better than everyone! You don't know anything about me!"
"Well that's very worrying since I've been dating you for nearly a year! If I know nothing about you, it's only because you won't let me in." Her eyes were brimming with tears, and I felt my own heart beginning to break, "You've never really let me in, you've always kept me at arms length. It's no wonder that I went to Anthony."
The words hung in the room, and I felt my knees go weak.
"No." I whispered, feeling myself cry, and hating me for it, "Sofia, please no."
"I'm so sorry Draco." She said, "I'm so sorry. It was just once, it didn't mean anything. It's just that you were always pushing me away, never letting me in. I knew that you loved me, but I wasn't enough, just for that moment."
"So you jumped in bed with Goldstein?" I spat.
"I didn't sleep with him!" She shouted, "We kissed, that's all. And afterwards I hated myself for it, I couldn't stop thinking about you."
"Well, I am your boyfriend!" I pointed out, "Do you know how many times Pansy has thrown herself at me since I started going out with you? And every single time I told her to get lost, because I never thought you'd do that to me."
"Well, you didn't act like it! You were always questioning me, always asking me where I'd been." She lowered her voice, "You never acted like you trusted me, I just assumed that you probably thought that I'd cheated on you anyway. Even if I hadn't kissed Anthony you'd never have believed me. I was just fulfilling your expectations of me."
"I was frightened that you'd cheat on me!" I explained, "But deep down, I never thought you would. Why are you doing this to me Sofia?"
"I just...I just needed to feel like I was needed by someone, like I was loved by someone." She told me, hanging her head.
"I do need you." My voice was strained, "And love? You're the only girl I've ever loved, the only person I've ever loved. Not Pansy, not my friends, not even my family, only you."
"I'm so sorry Draco." She said again, "I don't know...don't know what we're going to do. We can't get better than this, can we?"
"No, no we can't." I agreed.
"I still love you!" She told me.
"I love you too." I said, but my voice was heavy and cold, "Goodbye Sofia."
I walked out of the room, pretending to ignore the sound of her crying, although all I wanted to do was gather her into my arms and kiss her and tell her that I forgave her. And in a way I did forgive her, but it wasn't enough. I didn't trust her; I could never trust her again.
I walked through the school and onto the grounds, even though it was getting dark. But I was a prefect, I was allowed, and I couldn't face my friends.
I ended up a little way off from the oaf Hagrid's hut, leaning against a tree. There I finally let myself cry. And as I cried I remembered walking out here and finding another crying figure, one with bright red hair, and big brown eyes. And I finally understood her pain, and understood that it was worth it, for the times when you weren't in so much pain that you could die. I would give anything to stop this pain except the times I had spent with Sofia. Just her memory was worth this.
"See ya Hagrid!" Came an all to familiar voice. I looked up to see the cabin door open and four figures walk out. It was Potter, Granger and the two Weasley's.
"Hey," Said Ron Weasley, turning to look at me, "Is that Malfoy?"
"He's crying!" Exclaimed Hermione Granger, and I almost stood up to bolt, but then Ginny Weasley spoke.
"You guys go up to the castle, I'll catch up later."
"Gin, it could be a trap." Her older brother warned,
"I'll see you later." She insisted, and began walking over to me. If the others had followed, I'd have run, but they didn't, and I could allow Ginny Weasley to see me like this.
"Looks like our roles have reversed." I said as she neared, and she smiled kindly at me.
"I guess you and Sofia..." She started.
"We broke up, yes." I finished.
"I'm really sorry." She said, "This is kinds my fault, isn't it."
"Yes, but I'm not angry." I told her, "You were right, I was hiding from love, and that was weak. But this really hurts, and I'm not sure I'm doing to well at dealing with the pain."
"You're doing fine." She assured me, "And you're a beginner at this whole 'loosing the one you love' thing. The pain goes away after a while, I promise."
"Thanks Weasley." I muttered, feeling slightly embarrassed at having this conversation with one if my biggest enemies little sister, "Um, how quickly?"
"Oh," She said, laughter in her eyes, "Never quickly enough. And it's always worse when some git comes along and tries to rub it in."
"Oh yeah, sorry about that." I said.
"You're forgiven, you didn't know how to love then, you didn't know how much it can hurt." She said.
"It hurts so much." I told her, closing my eyes to try and hide the tears.
"But you don't wish you'd never loved her, do you?" She asked, and I shook my head mutely, "Give it time Malfoy, it'll get better. And until it does...well, just try to remember that there'll be other girls, other loves."
And then we both fell silent. As tears spilled from my eyes she wrapped her arms around me. I didn't return the hug, I hadn't completely taken leave from my senses, but I didn't move away, or even stiffen at her touch.
I'm not sure how long we sat like that, or which one of us moved away first, but eventually we did stand and walk away. Neither of us spoke, not even to say goodbye. We made an unspoken agreement not to talk about this, and we both knew it would never happen again, not like that.
***
Months past, and eventually I found myself facing my NEWT's, and then looking back on them. And before I knew it, it was my last day in Hogwarts.
There was a party in the main hall for the seventh years and their dates, but I went alone. I had not dated another girl since I had broken up with Sofia, and felt to need to. But it seemed like I was the only person to go alone.
Everyone had a date. It was annoying, to say the least, as everywhere I looked their were happy couples. Within the first ten minutes I felt a pang in my heart as I heard a girl laugh. Spinning around I found myself face to face with Anthony Goldstein, and the beautiful girl by his side.
Sofia was just as beautiful as ever, her dark eyes twinkling with laughter, her lips parted as if she was about to laugh out loud. But the laughter drained from her face when she saw me, replaced by an apologetic expression.
"Draco." She said, almost as a whisper.
"Sofia." I replied. Goldstein looked uncomfortable, which made me feel very satisfied.
And Weasley had been right it didn't hurt so much. I could look at her with him, look at the way he had his arm gently draped round her waist, and not want to die. It didn't kill me that he had the girl I loved. And I did still love her, I probably always would, but I could live with it.
"I see you're still involved with your charity work." I said, glancing at Goldstein. I could live with it, didn't mean I had to like it.
"Draco, please be nice." She pleaded, and I felt my heart melt.
"I'm always nice." I replied, "Goldstein, you're a lucky bastard. Hurt her and I will kill you."
"I wouldn't hurt her!" He insisted, looking shocked.
"As long as we have that sorted." I smiled at Sofia and took her hand, kissing it gently, "Enjoy your night."
She replied with something similar and we parted ways. I wandered over to the punch table, and found myself face to face with some more people who I wasn't very pleased to see.
Potter, Granger and the Weasleys stood in a crown, laughing at something one of them had said. Potter must have been Ginny Weasley's date, or else she couldn't have attended. I considered walking away, but then I realised that I might never see these people again. I had to get in one more crack, or I'd regret it forever.
"Could none of you get any dates, so you had to resort to taking each other?" I asked, walking over and helping myself to a drink.
"While you, on the other hand, couldn't even get a freak to come with you." Potter retorted, and I felt myself redden.
"I didn't feel like spending the night with someone I couldn't stand." I told him, gritting my teeth.
"Oh yeah, the only girl you do like dumped you for Anthony Goldstein." Ron Weasley said, and the anger flared up inside me. I turned around and left, hearing someone say "Oh Ron!" in a livid voice.
I didn't want to stay indoors anymore; I wanted to be outside. I hurried out, and smiled when the cold air hit my face.
I wandered over to the tree that I had chosen to cry by all those months ago and sat down, breathing deeply. I regretted my choice to try and provoke Potter and his friends, it had been foolish and rash. And I felt slightly guilty too, because I had heard Ginny defending me, even though I had just insulted her. I'm not sure why she was so nice to me, but I was grateful.
"Malfoy?" Came a gentle voice, and I looked up to see Ginny standing above me, a concerned look on her face, "I'm really sorry about my brother, he was being an arse."
"It was my own fault." I admitted, "I should have left you alone."
"Well, yeah, but that's not the point." She sat down next to me, "Did you see her?"
"Yeah, we talked a bit." I told her, "We were civil."
"I bet you tore the crap out of Anthony Goldstein though." She asked, laughing.
"Well, he did steal my girlfriend." I pointed out, "Besides, I wasn't too bad, I just threatened him with death."
"Hah, Dean threatened my rebound guy with death too." Ginny told me, "He was actually really specific. Colin now has a permanent fear of Pez candy dispensers."
"You went out with Colin Creevey? That annoying twat with the camera?" I asked, "And what's a Pez candy dispenser?"
"Muggle sweet." She explained, "And Colin's really nice, once you've taken his camera away from him."
"You're too good for him." I said, and then felt embarrassed. I was not supposed to compliment her!
"Thanks Malfoy." She said, "And I know you're probably too in love to believe me, but you were too good for Sofia too. She was nice, but I really don't think she was worth the pain she caused you."
"You were the one who said that I should fall in love with her!" I exclaimed, my mouth falling open.
"That was when I thought you were scum. Obviously she was good enough for you if you were scum, but as you're not, then she isn't." Ginny explained, "You're actually kinda nice."
And with that she kissed me.
At first I was too shocked to respond, but once I came to my senses I kissed her back, lifting my hands to her hair and letting them get tangled in her curls that were so different from Sofia's silky locks. We sat, kissing for a long time, but then she moved away.
"That was unfair of me." She muttered looking down.
"No, no, that was fine." I insisted.
"You're still in love with Sofia, and you were hurt because she was here with Anthony, I'm taking advantage." She said.
"I wasn't, not really anyway." I told her, "I miss her, and I still love her, but I've moved on."
"So I'm not taking advantage?" She asked.
"No, and even if you were I really wouldn't complain." I replied, and she grinned impishly and kissed me again, and then pulled away,
"I've wanted to do that since that day I saw you by Hagrid's hut, crying." She explained, "I couldn't then, because that really would have been taking advantage, but I couldn't help myself tonight."
I, truthfully, hadn't thought about Ginny like that, but now that I was looking at her I could see that she was very beautiful. And I knew that she was kind, but also wilful. And she was also, deep down, the one who had taught me how to love. At the very least she was the one who taught me that I need to learn.
"I'm really glad that you couldn't." I told her, pulling her down for another kiss. We sat like that for the rest of the night, and when we weren't talking, I thought to myself that I was going to enjoy falling in love with Ginny
Dedicated to my Beta Reader Dom
***
I knew, from the moment that I woke up, that it was going to be a bad day. I'm not sure how, there was just something in the air.
I got up, and the moment I put my foot on the floor I felt a stab of pain. It was Goyle's stupid cat, Fairleigh. The blasted thing had been sleeping by my bed, and scratched me when I stood on it.
"Get away you stupid animal." I hissed, trying to kick it.
"Malfoy, don't." Whined Goyle, picking up the monster. It glared at me over his shoulder as he carried it away, obviously plotting my demise. I like cats mostly, but I always knew that creature was a thing of evil.
"That cat has it in for me." I muttered darkly, looking at my scratched foot.
"Huh huh." Laughed Crabbe from his bed, obviously finding my pain amusing. I considered punishing him straight away, but decided to wait till later, when he was completely relaxed.
At breakfast, things just got worse. The owls came in as usual, and I paid little attention to them as I ate my food, that is until one of the dratted birds landed in it.
"Why do animals hate me?" I exclaimed, prodding the dead looking bird. It was grey, but apart from that I couldn't tell what sort of owl it was. It opened one eye and hooted feebly at me, and I wondered what was worse, having a dead bird in my food, or a live one.
"Hey, is that Errol?" I heard a voice call, and groaned to myself when I saw a ginger head approach. It was Weasley, followed shortly by Potter and that Mudblood Granger.
"You mean this dust mop is a owl?" I asked, prodding it with my wand, "I thought one of the owls just found it on the ground and decided to use it to annoy us students."
"Leave Errol alone." Weasley muttered, looking unwilling to reach across and pick it up.
"Let me Ron." Granger said kindly, pulling out her wand. I knew she was about to show off, "Wingardium Leviosa!" The owl hovered above the table, looking slightly worried, "Accio Errol!" The owl shot over to them, and Weasley caught it easily, much to my frustration. It would have been so funny it he had missed.
"Come on, let's go." Potter said, leading his friends away, "Like I was saying before, don't be so hard on Dean, if it wasn't working then it wasn't working."
"But you should have seen Ginny, she was in tears!" Weasley insisted, a phrase that caught my attention. Ginny was the little girl Weasley, the one who had beat me in Quidditch and, to add to the humiliation, cursed me when I was supposed to be watching her and the others for Umbridge. And it looked like her boyfriend, that Mudblood Dean Thomas, had just dumped her. Maybe I had been wrong this morning, I thought to myself, maybe today wasn't going to be so bad.
Classes weren't very fun, to put it mildly. I had Potions in the morning, which could have been worse. Potter and Weasley are both in my class, although Granger seemed to have dropped the subject. The first lesson was quite enjoyable as I got to watch Snape torture Potter and Weasley, but the lesson itself was hard, and the potion I ended up with was not at all satisfactory.
The day continued in that fashion. I had forgotten my homework for DADA; I couldn't change my cactus into a cat in transfiguration and the chair I was supposed to charm to fart loudly when you sat on it burped instead.
"Drackie darling, what's wrong?" Pansy asked, and I felt an almost irresistible urge to transfigure her nose into a bumblebee.
"Nothing." I muttered, leaving the Slytherin common room. I was sick of her simpering over me, acting like a stupid cow. If she were a bit more headstrong I'd probably have liked her far more.
I decided to go outside and enjoy the last of the warm weather. On the way out I passed the girl's toilets, just in time to see Ginny Weasley walking out. She was rubbing her eyes, and her hair was a mess. She didn't see me, and started walking in the same direction as where I was headed. I decided to follow her, and found, to my great delight, that she was also going outside.
I followed at a distance until she reached a tree. There she sat down, and began to cry.
"Aw, poor little Weasel, did your boyfriend dump you?" I asked in a mock baby voice. She looked up, startled, and I smiled maliciously.
"None of our business Malfoy!" She shouted, her already red face going even redder.
"You can't even keep hold of a little Mudblood, it's no wonder no one with any standards wants you." I hissed, loving the way her face scrunched up in pain.
"Don't you dare call him that!" She practically screamed, tears streaming down her face.
"Are you defending him Weasley?" I asked, "The boy dumped you, and you defend him? That is the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. I'm embarrassed to be of the same race as you."
"You can't judge me Malfoy." She hissed, "Do you even know how to love?"
The question shouldn't have rattled me; in fact, it should have given me even more to laugh at her about. She was in love with this boy, and he dumped her, how pathetic. But I did the most foolish thing I could have done it that situation. I thought about the question.
Do I know how to love? Who is it that you love? I don't love my parents, that's for sure. My father is an arrogant fool who wound up in Azkaban, and my mother is a pitiful creature with no will of her own. What about girlfriends? Well, I don't love Pansy; the girl is irritating at best. Blaise Zabini I've liked for a long time, but I was only mildly annoyed when she started dating the prefect in the year above us. I've had plenty of other girlfriends as well, mainly Slytherin, except this one Ravenclaw in the year below me.
I looked at Ginny Weasley's face; tear streaked and red with anger and pain. Her expression was questioning, but barely covered the anguish that lied beneath it. Have I ever loved anyone so much that the thought of them not loving me in return is enough to kill me? No, not even close. Would I even know how to love someone? No.
"No."
"I didn't think so." She whispered.
"Love makes you weak." I said quickly, "Look what it's done to you. I'm glad I've never been in love."
"You're a fool Malfoy." She told me, "Love makes you strong. Knowing that there is someone who'd die for you makes you strong, and knowing that you'd die for someone makes you human."
"But Dean wouldn't die for you, would he Weasley?" I asked. The look of pain overcame her face now, but she didn't look away, didn't try to hide it. I felt the first tug of admiration for her then.
"No, he wouldn't, but I can forgive him for that." She said, "And I'll get over him, get over the pain, and I'll be stronger. Feeling this pain doesn't make me weak, but hiding from it, not letting myself feel it, that would make me weak."
"I'm not hiding from it!" I felt myself shout, and berated myself for letting this girl in, "I've just never met someone good enough for me to love before."
"You went out with that Ravenclaw girl in my year, didn't you? Sofia Crawford?" She asked, "She cried for weeks after you broke up with her. What was so wrong with her that you couldn't love her? She loved you, she told me so in our Transfiguration class. Why couldn't you love her, why did you have to break up with her?"
I should have, at that point, told her to mind her own business, but it was a question I had asked myself before. Why had I broken up with Sofia? She was pretty; there was no denying that. Long black hair that hung like silk, skin that looked permanently tanned, large dark eyes. And we had got on well; she was one of the few girls who I could ever be myself around. I never felt like I had to prove anything to her, she loved me for being who I was.
And she had told me that she loved me. And a week later I had broken up with her. Was Weasley right, was I hiding out of fear of being hurt? Could Sofia have hurt me? Yes, because I could have fallen in love with her.
"When I ask questions I kinda like them to be answered." She snapped after a moment, and I realised that my mind had drifted.
"There was nothing wrong with Sofia, she was perfect." I whispered, looking down.
"Now who's pathetic?" She asked me, standing up, "At least I don't run like a baby anytime someone gets too close. So you can think I'm weak all you want, but you'll never know how strong you are until you start taking risks."
And with that she walked away, and out of my life, for a very long time.
***
A week after my encounter with Ginny Weasley I asked Sofia out again, and she had accepted; only rubbing it in slightly. We went out for the rest of my sixth year, and the beginning of my seventh. And I did fall in love with her, and I was happier then I had ever remembered being. My mother had approved of her, saying that she came from a good family, but I hadn't cared what family she'd come from, as long as she continued to smile at me like she did, hold my hand like she did.
But, a few months into my seventh year we began to fight, great huge fights where we'd scream at each other, both crying. And afterwards, when we were curled up together, whispering our apologies, I'd wonder if we'd make up after our next argument. And eventually came the time when we didn't.
"I'm not being unreasonable!" I shouted as she headed for the door. We were in a seldom-used classroom, which was our special meeting place, "All I want to know is where you're going!"
"You're being possessive Draco." She snapped, glaring at me, "You don't trust me not to throw myself at any boy who looks at me."
"I'm not accusing you of cheating on me." I told her, "I'm just asking you where you're going. You're so damn suspicious, you over analyse everything I say to you."
"I'm suspicious? You're the one who flies off the handle every time you see me talking to another boy." She said, her cheeks growing pink, "If you didn't think I was cheating on you then you wouldn't get so angry when I hung out with Anthony or Terry."
She had me there. I was hugely jealous of the two Ravenclaw boys who she hung around with, and I did suspect that she was cheating on me with one of them. But instead of confessing my fears, I covered them with bravado.
"As if you would prefer one of those morons to me." I spat, "Goldstein's a prick, and Boot's an idiot."
"Don't you dare insult my friends!" She shouted, "At least they're not conceited arrogant bastards! You're just like your father; you think you're better than everybody else. Well let me tell you something Draco Malfoy, you're not!"
"I'm nothing like my father!" I shouted back, "I don't think I'm better than everyone! You don't know anything about me!"
"Well that's very worrying since I've been dating you for nearly a year! If I know nothing about you, it's only because you won't let me in." Her eyes were brimming with tears, and I felt my own heart beginning to break, "You've never really let me in, you've always kept me at arms length. It's no wonder that I went to Anthony."
The words hung in the room, and I felt my knees go weak.
"No." I whispered, feeling myself cry, and hating me for it, "Sofia, please no."
"I'm so sorry Draco." She said, "I'm so sorry. It was just once, it didn't mean anything. It's just that you were always pushing me away, never letting me in. I knew that you loved me, but I wasn't enough, just for that moment."
"So you jumped in bed with Goldstein?" I spat.
"I didn't sleep with him!" She shouted, "We kissed, that's all. And afterwards I hated myself for it, I couldn't stop thinking about you."
"Well, I am your boyfriend!" I pointed out, "Do you know how many times Pansy has thrown herself at me since I started going out with you? And every single time I told her to get lost, because I never thought you'd do that to me."
"Well, you didn't act like it! You were always questioning me, always asking me where I'd been." She lowered her voice, "You never acted like you trusted me, I just assumed that you probably thought that I'd cheated on you anyway. Even if I hadn't kissed Anthony you'd never have believed me. I was just fulfilling your expectations of me."
"I was frightened that you'd cheat on me!" I explained, "But deep down, I never thought you would. Why are you doing this to me Sofia?"
"I just...I just needed to feel like I was needed by someone, like I was loved by someone." She told me, hanging her head.
"I do need you." My voice was strained, "And love? You're the only girl I've ever loved, the only person I've ever loved. Not Pansy, not my friends, not even my family, only you."
"I'm so sorry Draco." She said again, "I don't know...don't know what we're going to do. We can't get better than this, can we?"
"No, no we can't." I agreed.
"I still love you!" She told me.
"I love you too." I said, but my voice was heavy and cold, "Goodbye Sofia."
I walked out of the room, pretending to ignore the sound of her crying, although all I wanted to do was gather her into my arms and kiss her and tell her that I forgave her. And in a way I did forgive her, but it wasn't enough. I didn't trust her; I could never trust her again.
I walked through the school and onto the grounds, even though it was getting dark. But I was a prefect, I was allowed, and I couldn't face my friends.
I ended up a little way off from the oaf Hagrid's hut, leaning against a tree. There I finally let myself cry. And as I cried I remembered walking out here and finding another crying figure, one with bright red hair, and big brown eyes. And I finally understood her pain, and understood that it was worth it, for the times when you weren't in so much pain that you could die. I would give anything to stop this pain except the times I had spent with Sofia. Just her memory was worth this.
"See ya Hagrid!" Came an all to familiar voice. I looked up to see the cabin door open and four figures walk out. It was Potter, Granger and the two Weasley's.
"Hey," Said Ron Weasley, turning to look at me, "Is that Malfoy?"
"He's crying!" Exclaimed Hermione Granger, and I almost stood up to bolt, but then Ginny Weasley spoke.
"You guys go up to the castle, I'll catch up later."
"Gin, it could be a trap." Her older brother warned,
"I'll see you later." She insisted, and began walking over to me. If the others had followed, I'd have run, but they didn't, and I could allow Ginny Weasley to see me like this.
"Looks like our roles have reversed." I said as she neared, and she smiled kindly at me.
"I guess you and Sofia..." She started.
"We broke up, yes." I finished.
"I'm really sorry." She said, "This is kinds my fault, isn't it."
"Yes, but I'm not angry." I told her, "You were right, I was hiding from love, and that was weak. But this really hurts, and I'm not sure I'm doing to well at dealing with the pain."
"You're doing fine." She assured me, "And you're a beginner at this whole 'loosing the one you love' thing. The pain goes away after a while, I promise."
"Thanks Weasley." I muttered, feeling slightly embarrassed at having this conversation with one if my biggest enemies little sister, "Um, how quickly?"
"Oh," She said, laughter in her eyes, "Never quickly enough. And it's always worse when some git comes along and tries to rub it in."
"Oh yeah, sorry about that." I said.
"You're forgiven, you didn't know how to love then, you didn't know how much it can hurt." She said.
"It hurts so much." I told her, closing my eyes to try and hide the tears.
"But you don't wish you'd never loved her, do you?" She asked, and I shook my head mutely, "Give it time Malfoy, it'll get better. And until it does...well, just try to remember that there'll be other girls, other loves."
And then we both fell silent. As tears spilled from my eyes she wrapped her arms around me. I didn't return the hug, I hadn't completely taken leave from my senses, but I didn't move away, or even stiffen at her touch.
I'm not sure how long we sat like that, or which one of us moved away first, but eventually we did stand and walk away. Neither of us spoke, not even to say goodbye. We made an unspoken agreement not to talk about this, and we both knew it would never happen again, not like that.
***
Months past, and eventually I found myself facing my NEWT's, and then looking back on them. And before I knew it, it was my last day in Hogwarts.
There was a party in the main hall for the seventh years and their dates, but I went alone. I had not dated another girl since I had broken up with Sofia, and felt to need to. But it seemed like I was the only person to go alone.
Everyone had a date. It was annoying, to say the least, as everywhere I looked their were happy couples. Within the first ten minutes I felt a pang in my heart as I heard a girl laugh. Spinning around I found myself face to face with Anthony Goldstein, and the beautiful girl by his side.
Sofia was just as beautiful as ever, her dark eyes twinkling with laughter, her lips parted as if she was about to laugh out loud. But the laughter drained from her face when she saw me, replaced by an apologetic expression.
"Draco." She said, almost as a whisper.
"Sofia." I replied. Goldstein looked uncomfortable, which made me feel very satisfied.
And Weasley had been right it didn't hurt so much. I could look at her with him, look at the way he had his arm gently draped round her waist, and not want to die. It didn't kill me that he had the girl I loved. And I did still love her, I probably always would, but I could live with it.
"I see you're still involved with your charity work." I said, glancing at Goldstein. I could live with it, didn't mean I had to like it.
"Draco, please be nice." She pleaded, and I felt my heart melt.
"I'm always nice." I replied, "Goldstein, you're a lucky bastard. Hurt her and I will kill you."
"I wouldn't hurt her!" He insisted, looking shocked.
"As long as we have that sorted." I smiled at Sofia and took her hand, kissing it gently, "Enjoy your night."
She replied with something similar and we parted ways. I wandered over to the punch table, and found myself face to face with some more people who I wasn't very pleased to see.
Potter, Granger and the Weasleys stood in a crown, laughing at something one of them had said. Potter must have been Ginny Weasley's date, or else she couldn't have attended. I considered walking away, but then I realised that I might never see these people again. I had to get in one more crack, or I'd regret it forever.
"Could none of you get any dates, so you had to resort to taking each other?" I asked, walking over and helping myself to a drink.
"While you, on the other hand, couldn't even get a freak to come with you." Potter retorted, and I felt myself redden.
"I didn't feel like spending the night with someone I couldn't stand." I told him, gritting my teeth.
"Oh yeah, the only girl you do like dumped you for Anthony Goldstein." Ron Weasley said, and the anger flared up inside me. I turned around and left, hearing someone say "Oh Ron!" in a livid voice.
I didn't want to stay indoors anymore; I wanted to be outside. I hurried out, and smiled when the cold air hit my face.
I wandered over to the tree that I had chosen to cry by all those months ago and sat down, breathing deeply. I regretted my choice to try and provoke Potter and his friends, it had been foolish and rash. And I felt slightly guilty too, because I had heard Ginny defending me, even though I had just insulted her. I'm not sure why she was so nice to me, but I was grateful.
"Malfoy?" Came a gentle voice, and I looked up to see Ginny standing above me, a concerned look on her face, "I'm really sorry about my brother, he was being an arse."
"It was my own fault." I admitted, "I should have left you alone."
"Well, yeah, but that's not the point." She sat down next to me, "Did you see her?"
"Yeah, we talked a bit." I told her, "We were civil."
"I bet you tore the crap out of Anthony Goldstein though." She asked, laughing.
"Well, he did steal my girlfriend." I pointed out, "Besides, I wasn't too bad, I just threatened him with death."
"Hah, Dean threatened my rebound guy with death too." Ginny told me, "He was actually really specific. Colin now has a permanent fear of Pez candy dispensers."
"You went out with Colin Creevey? That annoying twat with the camera?" I asked, "And what's a Pez candy dispenser?"
"Muggle sweet." She explained, "And Colin's really nice, once you've taken his camera away from him."
"You're too good for him." I said, and then felt embarrassed. I was not supposed to compliment her!
"Thanks Malfoy." She said, "And I know you're probably too in love to believe me, but you were too good for Sofia too. She was nice, but I really don't think she was worth the pain she caused you."
"You were the one who said that I should fall in love with her!" I exclaimed, my mouth falling open.
"That was when I thought you were scum. Obviously she was good enough for you if you were scum, but as you're not, then she isn't." Ginny explained, "You're actually kinda nice."
And with that she kissed me.
At first I was too shocked to respond, but once I came to my senses I kissed her back, lifting my hands to her hair and letting them get tangled in her curls that were so different from Sofia's silky locks. We sat, kissing for a long time, but then she moved away.
"That was unfair of me." She muttered looking down.
"No, no, that was fine." I insisted.
"You're still in love with Sofia, and you were hurt because she was here with Anthony, I'm taking advantage." She said.
"I wasn't, not really anyway." I told her, "I miss her, and I still love her, but I've moved on."
"So I'm not taking advantage?" She asked.
"No, and even if you were I really wouldn't complain." I replied, and she grinned impishly and kissed me again, and then pulled away,
"I've wanted to do that since that day I saw you by Hagrid's hut, crying." She explained, "I couldn't then, because that really would have been taking advantage, but I couldn't help myself tonight."
I, truthfully, hadn't thought about Ginny like that, but now that I was looking at her I could see that she was very beautiful. And I knew that she was kind, but also wilful. And she was also, deep down, the one who had taught me how to love. At the very least she was the one who taught me that I need to learn.
"I'm really glad that you couldn't." I told her, pulling her down for another kiss. We sat like that for the rest of the night, and when we weren't talking, I thought to myself that I was going to enjoy falling in love with Ginny