Things Get Rocky at JAG, a jag fanfic

TITLE: Things Get Rocky At JAG AUTHOR: Clairisant CLASSIFICATION/RATING: pure silliness SPOILERS: None FEEDBACK: Would love to hear both good and bad feedback but please understand that this is my third fan fic and try to be kind and constructive. Clairisant@revealed.net

Things Get Rocky At JAG

The SONG ends with church bells ringing joyously as the IMAGE EXPANDS TO WIDE-SCREEN. The STILL FRAME bursts to life as the doors of the Denton Catholic Church are flung open and Mendelssohn's wedding march resounds from the church organ.

The young married couple, RALPH and BETTY HAPSCHATT appear followed by a crowd of friends and well-wishers throwing confetti and shouting excitedly.

The MINISTER shakes RALPH by the hand while RALPH slips him a $20 bill. PHOTOGRAPHERS take pictures.

HARM RABB, a clean-cut American in his mid-thirties, comes over the congratulate RALPH. HARM and RALPH shake hands.

RALPH Well Harm, I guess we made it huh!

HARM Well I don't think there was any doubt about that - You and Betty have been almost inseparable ever since you sat in on Admiral Chegwidden's refresher
lectures.

RALPH Tell you the truth Harm, she was the only reason I came in the first place. Science was never one of my favorite subjects but I sure with Admiral Chegwidden could have made it today.

HARM Yes, Mac and I are both fond of him. We drove over to see him last vacation. It's a shame his new job took him away from Denton.

BETTY, the bride, throws the bouquet. MAC catches it. She squeals with delight. The GUESTS cheer.

RALPH Hey fella. It looks like it could be your turn next.

HARM Who knows...ha ha.

RALPH & BETTY drive off. GUESTS wave and shout, HARM & MAC with great enthusiasm. GUESTS begin to disperse.

MAC & HARM linger outside the church. So do a strange FAMILY : An old man with a pitchfork and his wife and daughter. They resemble the Quaker family in "American Gothic", a painting.

The MOTHER (SINGER) and FATHER (WEBB) stand outside the church doors. Their DAUGHTER (HARRIETT) goes inside. The FAMILY, and the MINISTER (MIC BRUMBY), and the GUESTS all resemble characters we shall meet later at the Mic Brumby's place.

MAC (who is holding the bouquet) Oh Harm, wasn't it wonderful. Didn't Betty look radiantly beautiful. Just an hour ago she was plain old Betty Monroe. Now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapschatt.

HARM (Still looking after the car) Er...yes, Mac.......Ralph's a lucky guy.

MAC Yes.

HARM Everyone knows Betty's a wonderful little cook.

MAC Yes.

HARM And Ralph himself will be in line for promotion in a year or so.

MAC Yes.

FIRST CHORD OF "WEDDING SONG" With great decision HARM turns on MAC

HARM (spoken) Hey Mac.

MAC Yes Harm.

HARM I've got something to say.

MAC Uh huh.

HARM I really loved the skilful way You beat the other girls To the bride's bouquet.

MAC Oh Harm.

HARM The river was deep but I swam it.

FAMILY Mac.

HARM The future is ours so let's plan it.

FAMILY Mac.

HARM So please don't tell me to can it.

FAMILY Mac.

HARM I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Mac. I love you. The road was long but I ran it. (He runs backwards towards church doors)

FAMILY Mac.

HARM (Climbing onto fence) There's a fire in my heart And you fan it. (Jumps off)

FAMILY Mac.

HARM If there's one fool for you Then I am it.

FAMILY Mac.

HARM (Getting chalk from pocket) I've one thing to say and that's, Dammit, Mac.

He chalks a heart and arrow on the church door, which Webb proceeds to wipe off.

HARM I love you.

MAC runs to him, he kneels and produces a ring.

HARM Here's a ring to prove that I'm not joker.

CHURCH BELLS Peal out. WEBB & SINGER open doors and solemnly enter the church, door closes behind them.

HARM There's three ways that love can grow. That's good bad or mediocre.

MAC grabs the ring as HARM rises. She throws down the bouquet and would fall into HARM's arms but he goes to the door to chalk on it again.

HARM Oh – S-A-R-A-H I love you so.

MAC bursts into the church, hypnotised by the ring. HARM follows her.

MAC Oh!......It's nicer than Betty Munroe had

SINGER (Peering up from behind pew) Oh Harm.

MAC Now we're engaged and I'm so glad.

SINGER & HARRIETT Oh Harm. (Both peer up and disappear)

MAC That you met Mom And you know Dad.

WHOLE FAMILY Oh Harm. (peering up together)

MAC (Taking his arm) I've one thing to say And that's, Harm I'm mad, For you too.

HARM & MAC start to walk, arm in arm. the strange FAMILY march slowly across them, in front.

MAC (Laying head on Harm's sh.) Oh, Harm.

HARM Oh Dammit.

MAC (Caresses his cheek) I'm mad.....

HARM Oh Mac

MAC For you.

HARM (briefly kisses her) I love you too-oo-oo.

HARM takes MAC's hands, turning to her. We are aware of THE FAMILY bringing in coffin in b.g. through vestry door.

HARM & MAC There's one thing left to do-ah-ooh

(They separate)

HARM And that's go see the man Who began it

FAMILY (Carrying coffin) Mac.

HARM When we met in his science exam It -

THE FAMILY move into position behind HARM & MAC

FAMILY Mac.

HARM Made me give you the eye And then panic,

FAMILY Mac

FAMILY lower coffin onto floor.

HARM I've got one thing to say, and that's Dammit, Mac. I love you.

MAC runs to HARM and he hugs her.

HARM (Circling Mac) Dammit, Mac.

MAC circles HARM twice, admiring her ring on the way.

MAC Oh Harm, I'm mad.

HARM Dammit, Mac.

HARM & MAC kneel together with each following word until they are kneeling on the floor)

HARM, MAC, FAMILY. I love you.

HARM & MAC kiss.

INT. A STUDY NIGHT

Mahogany bookcases, a large desk with a prominent globe of the world. A well-padded armchair has its back to the camera. It swings around revealing TINER. He is in his smoking jacket. He speaks directly to us.

TINER I would like if I may to take you on a strange journey.

He crosses to the bookshelf. He selects a dossier. We see the title: "The Denton Affair". He returns to his desk and places it on a bookstand. He puts on his reading glasses.

TINER It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Harm Rabb and his fiancee Sarah Mackenzie (two young ordinary healthy kids) left Denton that late November evening to visit Admiral AJ Chegwidden, ex. tutor and now friend of both of them. It's true there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black and pendulous, toward which they were driving. It's true also that the spare tyre they were carrying was badly in need of some air. But they being normal kids and on a night out, well they were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening.

On a night out.

He closes the book marking the place. Thunder is heard distantly on the sound track.

TINER It was a night out they were going to remember for a very long time.

Lighting cracks on the sound track.

EXT. NIGHT

A windscreen wiper working under strain. Torrential rain on the windscreen. HARM concentrating on visibility. MAC eating chocolates and listening to the car radio playing an Orson Welles serial - The Shadow.

A motorcycle roars past them.

MAC Gosh. That's the third motorcyclist that's passed us. They certainly take their lives in their hands. What with the weather and all.

HARM Yes, Mac. Life's pretty cheap to that type.

MAC takes another stick of gum. Offers HARM some. He declines. The car slows to a halt.

MAC What's the matter Harm, darling?

Headlights on sign reading: "DEAD END".

HARM I think we took the wrong fork a few miles back.

MAC Oh dear! But then where did the motorcyclists come from?

HARM Hmmm ... Well, I guess we will have to turn back.

EXT. ROAD NIGHT

Car reverses. HARM puts his foot on the accelerator. The wheel skids and explodes.

INT. CAR NIGHT

MAC What was that bang?

HARM We must have a blow-out.

MAC Oh...

Pause

EXT. ROAD NIGHT

A bolt of lighting strikes a tree.

INT. CAR NIGHT

HARM You'd better sit here and keep warm while I go for help.

MAC But where will you go? We're in the middle of nowhere.

HARM Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles? Maybe they have a telephone I might use.

He unbuckles his seatbelt.

MAC I'm coming with you.

HARM There's no point both of us getting wet.

MAC I'm coming with you. (she unbuckles her seatbelt) Besides, darling, the owner of the phone might be a beautiful blonde and you may never come back.

HARM laughs. A thunderclap. MUSIC commences and she alights from the car and follows him, newspaper over her head.

EXT. ROAD NIGHT

SONG: "OVER AT THE BRUMBY PLACE"

The rain pours off the newspaper down MAC's face. She walks along, catching up with HARM. She sing plaintively.

MAC In the velvet darkness Of the blackest night Burning bright.

We see the two of them - HARM striding ahead, MAC nearly catching up with him. Behind them on the side of the road, sparse trees and rock formations.

MAC There's a guiding star No matter what or who you are.

They have passed a row of trees. A rock formation in the shape of a castle is silhouetted against the sky. It has a flag flying from the turret. Lightning strikes. A glow of light appears in a window. It illuminates a path to the castle. HARM and MAC turn. The castle is in the distance between the two of them.

HARM & MAC There's a light

The castle looms in the distance.

PHANTOM VOICES Over at the Brumby place.

HARM stares hard.

HARM There's a light.

The castle looms closer.

PHANTOM VOICES Burning in the fireplace.

MAC (looks to Harm) There's a light, a light In the darkness of everybody's life

Taking MAC by the hand, HARM moves off the roadway towards the house.

HARM I can see the flag fly I can see the rain Just the same There has got to be Something better here For you and me.

Lighting strikes. MAC jumps towards HARM.

HARM & MAC There's a light.

The castle seems to move forward.

PHANTOM VOICES Burning in the fireplace.

HARM There's a light.

EXT. CASTLE DRIVEWAY NIGHT

A motorcycle convoy roars by revealing a hidden road to the castle.

HARM A light In the darkness of everybody's life.

The convoy drives up and disappears into a secret entrance in the rock.

EXT. CASTLE FACADE NIGHT

We see a cell-like window near a massive lighted window. A tortured face appears squinting into the darkness.

WEBB The darkness must go Down the river of nights dreaming Flow morphia slow Let the sun and light come streaming Into my life.

Lightning strikes.

CASTLE FACADE NIGHT

WEBB moves to the lighted window where his hunchbacked shape becomes a giant shadow.

WEBB Into my life.

EXT. CASTLE DRIVE NIGHT

HARM and MAC start moving down the driveway.

HARM & MAC There's a light.

CASTLE FACADE NIGHT

Shadow turns in the window.

PHANTOM VOICES Over at the Brumby place.

EXT. CASTLE DRIVE NIGHT

HARM and MAC approach the gateway to the castle.

HARM & MAC There's a light.

CASTLE FACADE NIGHT

The shadow slowly covers the whole window.

PHANTOM VOICES Burning in the fireplace.

EXT. CASTLE DRIVE NIGHT

PHANTOM VOICES There's a light, a light.

HARM and MAC are at the gate. There is a rusted sign.

HARM & MAC In the darkness of everybody's life.

A bolt of lighting illuminates the sign which reads: MIC BRUMBY - SCIENTIST.

INT. STUDY NIGHT

TINER is in his armchair. He leans forward with some urgency.

TINER And so it seemed that fortune had smiled on Harm and Mac and that they had found the assistance that their plight required - or had they?

Thunderclap.

EXT. FRONT DOOR OF THE CASTLE NIGHT

HARM rings the doorbell. It makes a strange sound.

MAC Oh, Harm. Let's go back. I'm cold and I'm frightened.

HARM Just a moment, Mac. They may have a telephone.

The door opens. Throbbing music is heard in the background as if there is a party going on in the distance. The figure we have seen at the window emerges. He is a hunch-backed servant, WEBB.

WEBB Hello.

HARM Uh - oh - Hi! My name is Harm Rabb. And this is my fiancée, Sarah Mackenzie. I - ah - wondered if you could help us. Our car has broken down about two miles up the road. Do you have a phone we might use?

WEBB You're wet.

MAC Yes, the rain has been very heavy.

HARM Yes.

WEBB Yes.

EXT. CASTLE NIGHT

A bolt of lighting illuminates a row of vehicles parked by the castle.

EXT. FRONT DOOR OF CASTLE NIGHT

HARM sees them and reacts with surprise. WEBB realises HARM has seen them.

WEBB I think you had better both come inside.

MAC You're too kind.

They enter apprehensively.

INT. STAIRWAY NIGHT

WEBB leads them down a stairway and beckons them to follow. The MUSIC has become louder.

MAC (sotto voce) Oh Harm, I'm frightened. What kind of place is this?

HARM (sotto voce) Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos.

INT. HALLWAY NIGHT

They arrive at a hallway at the bottom of the stairs. Another servant, SINGER, is vacuuming the stairs.

WEBB This way.

MAC steps over the vacuum lead.

MAC Are you - giving a party?

WEBB No. You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the master's affairs.

MAC Oh, lucky him.

SINGER He's lucky.

HARM and MAC look at SINGER, surprised by her voice.

SINGER You're lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky.

SONG: "THE TIME WARP"

HARM and MAC are rather unnerved by this outburst from the domestic. They look back to WEBB. He is now standing by a set of mirrors reflecting to infinity.

WEBB It's astounding Time is fleeting Madness takes its toll But listen closely Not for very much longer I've got to keep control.

SINGER gives WEBB a strange signal.

WEBB starts to dance in an extraordinary fashion.

WEBB I remember doing the Time Warp.

HARM and MAC are amazed.

WEBB Drinking those moments when The blackness would hit me.

SINGER half closes her eyes in pleasure. MAC clings to HARM.

WEBB And the void would be calling.

WEBB opens a set of double doors marked BALLROOM.

INT. BALLROOM NIGHT

HARM and MAC find themselves on a balcony of a huge black and silver ballroom. At the furthest end is a throne-like chair and, surrounding it, a theatre proscenium. In the body of the room are GUESTS. They are the people HARM and MAC passed on the road. They are the Transylvanian Secret Agents - assembled on this special occasion from all over the earth. It is the Annual Transylvanian Convention - announced by an official banner suspended over the Ballroom. They are all dressed in strange but elegant evening wear. They are a distorted version of the GUESTS from the Denton wedding. A party spirit prevails, they throw their arms out in a plea to WEBB on the balcony.

GUESTS Let's do the Time Warp again.

MAC falls into HARM's arms. WEBB is ecstatic. HARM revives MAC.

GUESTS (repeating action) Let's do the Time Warp again.

MAC faints again.

INT. STUDY NIGHT

The TINER moves from his desk to the wall behind him. He pulls down a chart with illustrated dance steps on it. He gestures to the appropriate section of the diagram with the pointer.

TINER It's just a jump to the left.

INT. BALLROOM NIGHT

The GUESTS leap to the left in one giant step.

GUESTS (dancing) And a step to the right - right - right - right - right.

INT. STUDY NIGHT

TINER points to next step on the chart.

TINER With your hands on your hips.

INT. BALLROOM NIGHT

ALL GUESTS have hands on hips.

GUESTS You bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust.

The rows of GUESTS open out with pelvic thrusts.

GUESTS (Cont) They really drive you insane.

We see them from the balcony and they open out in formation.

GUESTS (Cont) Let's do the Time Warp again.

MAC revives. The GUESTS re-form.

GUESTS Let's do the Time Warp again.

HARM and MAC make a run out the door.

INT. STAIRWAY NIGHT

They collide with SINGER who has blocked off the corridor with her vacuum. She sings with menace, waving the cleaner hose dangerously.

SINGER It's so dreamy Oh, fantasy free me So you can't see me No not at all.

HARM and MAC look at each other in alarm.

In another dimension. (she forces them back towards balcony) With voyeuristic intention.

HARM blushes.

Well secluded I see all With a bit of a mind flip You're into the time slip Nothing will ever seem the same.

They are back at the balcony.

You're spaced out on sensation.

They are at the edge of the balcony.

Like you're under sedation.

They force HARM and MAC into the Ballroom proper. The GUESTS turn on them.

GUESTS Let's do the Time Warp again.

HARM and MAC are completely dismayed.

GUESTS Let's do the Time Warp again.

HARRIETT, a young blonde, is the household groupie. She sings with the band at the end of the Ballroom.

INT. BANDSTAND NIGHT

HARRIETT Well I was walking down the street Just having a think When a snake of a guy Gave me an evil wink. Well it shook me up It took me by surprise He had a pick-up truck And the devil's eyes He stared at me And I felt a change Time meant nothing Never would again.

INT. BALLROOM NIGHT

GUESTS Let's do the Time Warp again.

HARM and MAC are reeling.

GUESTS Let's do the Time Warp again.

INT. STUDY NIGHT

TINER. He has now become rather involved in the dance and is standing on the blotter on the top of his desk.

TINER It's just a jump to the left.

He jumps to the left.

INT. BALLROOM NIGHT

GUESTS And then a step to the right.

The GUESTS take one.

INT. STUDY NIGHT

The TINER dancing on the desk.

TINER With your hands on your hips.

INT. BALLROOM NIGHT

GUESTS You bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust. That really drives you insane. Let's do the Time Warp again. Let's do the Time Warp again.

All the GUESTS fall to the floor like flies exhausted.

INT. BALCONY/HALLWAY NIGHT

MAC Oh....Say something.

HARM Say! Do any of you guys know the Madison?

No one laughs. GUESTS turn nasty.

INT. HALL/LIFT NIGHT

HARM and MAC retreat to the hall. Behind them a lift slowly descends bearing a figure in a black cloak and a diamante stiletto heel - beating time to a rhythm the band has started playing.

MAC Harm, please lets get out of here.

HARM For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Mac.

MAC But it seems so unhealthy here.

HARM It's just a..a party Mac.

MAC Well I want to leave.

HARM We can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.

MAC Then ask the butler - or someone.

HARM Let's wait awhile Mac. We don't want to interfere with their celebrations.

MAC This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce Harm.

HARM They're probably foreigners with ways different from our own. - They may do some more folk dancing.

MAC Harm - I'm cold, I'm wet, and plain scared.

HARM I'm here, there's nothing to worry about.

GUESTS rise, staring mesmerized at the lift. MAC sees the shoe, looks up at the face of its owner. MAC faints.

INT. LIFT/HALL NIGHT

The figure turns and throws open lift cage door. As camera zooms in to the death mask above them the film changes from black and white to color. However the only color in evidence is the red lipstick on the mouth of their host.

SONG: "SWEET TRANSVESTITE"

MIC How do you do.

I see you've met my faithful handyman. He's a little brought down - Because when you knocked He thought you were the candy man.

WEBB scowls.

INT. BALLROOM NIGHT

MIC Don't get strung out by the way that I look.

MIC strides across the Ballroom to the throne.

MIC Don't judge a book by its cover I'm not much of a man By the light of day But by night I'm one hell of a lover.

MAC gives a silent scream. MIC lets the cloak fall onto the throne, which reveals his transvestite attire. The GUESTS scream with delight.

MIC I'm just a sweet Transvestite From Transexual Transylvania.

He slowly moves back to HARM and MAC, doing leg kicks.

Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound You look like you're both pretty groovie.

He circles them and forces them into the Ballroom.

Or if you want something visual not too abysmal We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.

HARM clumsily attempts to circle around MIC. MIC meanwhile ignores him and greets his other guests.

HARM I'm glad we caught you at home Ah - could we use your phone We're both in a bit of a hurry.

MAC joins HARM.

MAC Right!

HARM We'll just say where we are Then go back to the car We don't want to be any worry.

MIC turns on them.

MIC You got caught with a flat Well how about that Well babies don't you panic By the light of the night It'll seem alright I'll get you a satanic mechanic.

MIC turns his back on HARM and MAC and splitting the ranks of his GUESTS, departs for the other end of the Ballroom. Streamers fall.

MIC I'm just a sweet transvestite From Transexual Transylvania.

From the throne he gestures towards HARM and MAC rather slowly over the next verse.

MIC Why dont'cha stay for the night

WEBB & SINGER "night" Or maybe a bite

WEBB & SINGER "bite" I could show you my favourite obsession I've been making a man With blonde hair and a tan And he's good for relieving my tension.

We view from OVERHEAD as the GUESTS surround him adoringly.

MIC I'm just a sweet transvestite From Transexual Transylvania.

MIC storms down the Ballroom to the lift.

I'm just a sweet transvestite.

GUESTS "Sweet Transvestite"

MIC From Transexual Transylvania.

GUESTS "Transylvania"

INT. LIFT AREA

MIC So come up to the Lab. And see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with anticipation But maybe the rain Is really to blame So I'll remove the cause But not the symptom

INT. BALLROOM NIGHT

On the last chord the lift has disappeared. The GUESTS applaud ecstatically. WEBB and SINGER close in on HARM and MAC. They remove HARM and MAC's wet clothes. HARRIETT moves down from the bandstand and crosses to HARM and MAC. She witnesses the undressing.

HARRIETT Slowly, slowly. It's too nice a job to rush.

The GUESTS moan softly as each piece of clothing is removed. HARM and MAC stand shivering in their underwear. There is complete silence. The GUESTS and SERVANTS are motionless. HARM and MAC are the total object of their attention.

INT. HALL/LIFT NIGHT

MAC Oh Harm.

HARM (confidentially) It's alright Mac, we'll play along for now and pull out the aces when the time is right.

He turns to HARRIETT who has been staring at his underpants.

HARM Ah, hi. My name is Harm Rabb and this is my fiancee, Sarah Mackenzie. You are ...

HARRIETT You are very lucky to be invited up to Mic's laboratory. Some people would give their right arm for the privilege.

WEBB has opened the cage doors to the lift. The GUESTS rush for positions.

HARM People like you maybe

HARRIETT I've seen it.

HARRIETT escorts them to the lift. WEBB throws two GUESTS to the floor to make room for them. He slams the cage door. The two discarded GUESTS cry and claw at the cage door as the lift moves off under WEBB's control. HARM and MAC are squashed, arms by their side. They stare straight ahead.

MAC (to Singer) It he - Mic - is he your husband?

General amusement.

WEBB The Master is not yet married. Nor do I think he ever will be. We are simply his servants.

MAC Oh.

The lift grinds to a halt. They have arrived at the laboratory.

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

The laboratory is somewhere between a student observation operating theatre and a Greek gymnasium. It is pink-tiled throughout, facing the lift entrance is a circular area containing a TANK on pedestals which though screened at this stage will be revealed to contain the body of GUNNY submerged in chemicals, the wall to one side contains a raised dais area for the GUESTS, and facing one end of the tank, the operational controls, monitor and a giant refrigerator. A chandelier hangs above the tank.

On the podium in front of Mic's chambers there is a stand microphone. Near the podium are some weights. Behind the tank is a vaulting horse. These are wrapped in cellophane - GUNNY's presents.

The GUESTS are waiting as the lift arrives.

MIC, now in surgeon's outfit stands in the middle of the room. WEBB RAFF gets out of the lift first, with a glass of champagne which he hands to MIC.

MIC Singer, Harriett, go and assist Webb.

As he speaks her name each one steps forward out of the lift. They cross to WEBB behind the tank.

MIC I will entertain...ah...

HARM & MAC step out of the lift.

HARM I'm Harm Rabb and this is my fiancee, Mac Vice.

MAC Weiss.

HARM Weiss.

MIC (Taking Mac's hand to kiss) Encante....How nice. (he circles them) And what charming underclothes you both have. (He takes two dust coats from Webb and hands them to Harm). But here, put these on. They'll make you feel less vulnerable.

SINGER & HARRIETT cross to the podium.

MIC (continues) It's not often we receive visitors here. Let alone offer them hospitality.

HARM (Moving towards Mic) Hospitality! All we wanted to do was use your telephone. A reasonable request which you have chosen to ignore.

MAC (Hurring after Harm) Don't be ungrateful Harm.

HARM (Stepping closer to Mic) Ungrateful!

The room falls silent. All eyes are on MIC, waiting for his reaction. A smile breaks on his face.

MIC How forceful you are Harm. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So dominant.

SINGER & HARRIETT laugh.

You must be awfully proud of him Mac.

MAC Well, yes I am.

THE GUESTS oh and ah appreciatively, HARM laughs, a little embarrassed.

MIC Do you have any tattoos Harm.

HARM Certainly not!

MIC Oh well. How about you. (He laughs)

WEBB has approached behind MIC, looming over his shoulder.

WEBB Everything is in readiness, Master. We merely await your word.

MIC drinks his champagne then hands WEBB the empty glass. WEBB RAFF goes to the control panel and MIC to the podium

MIC Tonight...One, one, one. Can you hear me at the back? Tonight, my unconventional conventionists.

SINGER, HARRIETT and GUESTS laugh politely.

MIC Tonight you are to witness a breakthrough in biochemical research.

There is a gasp from HARRIETT, SINGER and GUESTS.

MIC And paradise is to be mine.

GUESTS and everybody applaud. MAC claps too, but HARM indicates that she shouldn't.

MIC It was strange the way it happened. One of those quirks of fate really. One of those moments when you seem irredeemably lost: you panic; you're trapped; your back's against the wall. There's no way out, and then suddenly, you get a break. (He cracks the bones in his hand) All the pieces seem to fit into place. What a sucker you'r been. What a fool. The answer was there all the time. It took a small accident to make it happen. An accident!

SINGER & HARRIETT step forward one each side of him.

SINGER & HARRIETT (softly) An accident.

MIC That's how I discovered the secret. That elusive ingredient, that spark that is the breath of life.

GUESTS applaud.

MIC (Moving to tank) You see, Harm and Mac, you are fortunate. For tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be born.

Everybody applauds. MIC then pulls the cover from the tank. WEBB RAFF is at the control panel.

The tank is revealed. There is something inside it is immersed in clear fluid. The GUESTS are astonished.

MIC Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator.

WEBB flicks the switch to activate the oscilloscopes in the panel.

MIC And step up the reactor power input three more points.

WEBB presses a button three times then begins to unwind a wheel.

MIC watches excitedly from behind the tank as the chandelier is lowered. It spurts different colored liquids into the tank. The liquids bubble and change color. The thing inside begins to look like a human form.

MAC Harm...

HARM It's alright Mac.

The liquids drain away. The form begins to move. MIC climbs the ladder at one end of the tank, WEBB the other. GUNNY sits up, raises his arms, finally stands upright with both arms outstretched.

WEBB removes the bandage from GUNNY's head. GUNNY looks at WEBB RAFF then at MIC. With a gasp he leaps for the chandelier above.

At the same time WEBB is down the ladder making for the handle. He winds up the chandelier and GUNNY.

INT. THE LABORATORY NIGHT

SONG: THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES.

GUNNY with only his head unbandaged, is hanging on to the chandelier which WEBB is winding upwards.

GUNNY The Sword of Damocles is Hanging over my head.

MIC runs down the ladder and kicks WEBB who starts to lower the chandelier. MIC climbs up the other steps to meet his creation coming down. SINGER & HARRIETT cross to the tank.

GUNNY And I've got the feeling Someone's going to be Cutting the thread.

Oh, woe is me. My life is a misery.

Oh, can't you see That I'm at the start Of a pretty big downer....

As GUNNY gets level with him, MIC lunges for him but lands inside the tank....because... GUNNY simultaneously abandons the chandelier, lands between SINGER and HARRIETT who now each have a pair of scissors with which they will snip his arm and leg bandages.

GUNNY I woke up this morning With a start When I fell out of bed.

GUESTS (inc. Webb, Singer & Harriett) That ain't no crime.

GUNNY And left from my dreaming Was a feeling Of un-nameable dread.

GUESTS That ain't no crime

GUNNY My high is low. I'm dressed up With no place to go.

And all I know Is I'm at the start Of a pretty big downer.

MIC, in the tank behind GUNNY, puts his arms round GUNNY's neck. GUNNY spins away. SINGER and HARRIETT hang on to one end of his chest bandage so that it undoes as he goes.

GUESTS (inc. WEBB, SINGER & HARRIETT) Sha la la la That ain't no crime.

GUNNY Oh, no no, no no.

GUESTS Sha la la la That ain't no crime.

GUNNY No no no, no no.

GUESTS Sha la la la That ain't no crime - That ain't no crime.

GUNNY is now unbandaged. He strikes a pose. During the last sequence, MIC climbs out of the tank onto WEBB'S shoulders and purses GUNNY, but they fall.

INT. STUDY NIGHT

TINER reading from book.

TINER GUNNY needed peace of mind. He didn't know He was doing just fine.

He was the product Of another time. And as for feeling down - Well that's not a crime.

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

MIC and WEBB are recovering from their fall. GUNNY makes a circuit of the GUESTS.

GUESTS (Webb, Singer & Harriett) That ain't no crime.

GUNNY (To first group of guests) The sword of Damocles is Hanging over my head.

GUESTS That ain't no crime.

GUNNY (To second group) And I've got the feeling Someone's going to be Cutting the thread.

GUESTS That ain't no crime.

GUNNY (To third group) Oh, woe is me - My life is a mystery.

(To fourth group) Oh can't you see That I'm at the start Of a pretty big downer.

GUNNY set off at a run as MIC looms up again. (MIC is chasing GUNNY round the lab.)

GUESTS Sha la la la That ain't no crime.

GUNNY Oh no no no no.

GUESTS Sha la la la That ain't no crime.

GUNNY No no no no.

GUESTS Sha la la la That ain't no crime. That ain't no crime.

GUESTS Sha la la la That ain't no crime.

GUNNY No no no no.

GUESTS Sha la la la That ain't no crime.

GUNNY No no no no.

GUESTS Sha la la la That ain't no crime - That ain't no crime.

At the end of number, GUNNY has climbed up the ladder attached to the end of the tank nearest the bridal chambers and MIC is in a heap below. WEBB is behind the tank and SINGER and HARRIETT in their positions in front of it.

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

MIC picks himself up. GUNNY is sitting at the top of the ladder above him, with his perfect limbs near Mic's face.

MIC Well. That's no way to behave on your first day out.

GUNNY looks hurt.

But as you're such an exceptional beauty I'm prepared to forgive.

MIC crosses behind GUNNY to stand next to WEBB behind the tank.

I just love success.

WEBB (edging up to Mic) He is a credit to your genius, Master.

MIC Yes.

SINGER (Moving to tank from controls) A triumph of your vill.

MIC Yes.

HARRIETT (Who is on opposite side of tank) He's o.k.

MIC O.K? (Moving out behind tank towards Mac and Harm) I think we can do a little better than that.

You. (To Mac) What do you think?

MAC Well. (She looks at Harm) I don't like men with...er, with too many, muscles.

MIC I didn't make him for you

MAC nods hastily. MIC moves towards microphone.

He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval....And he didn't even take the lessons.

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

SONG: CHARLES ATLAS

As MIC starts to sing, SINGER & WEBB collect one of GUNNY's presents, the vaulting horse, and place it in front of the podium. HARRIETT leads GUNNY down from the ladder.

MIC A weakling weighing Ninety eight pounds Will get sand in his face When kicked to the ground. And soon in the gym (GUNNY sits on horse) With a determined chin The sweat from his pores As he works for his ca-ha-hause

SINGER & WEBB now bring the weights.

MIC Will make him glisten - thank you - And gleam. And with massage And just a little bit of Ste-he-he-he-hem...(laughs) He'll be pink. And quite clean.

MIC He'll be a strong man - Oh honey -

GUESTS, WEBB, SINGER & HARRIETT & MIC. But the wrong man.

MIC He'll eat nutritious high protein And swallow raw eggs. Try to build up his shoulders, His chest, arms and legs.

Such an effort - If he only knew of my plan. In just seven days,

GUESTS, WEBB, SINGER & HARRIETT & MIC I can make you a ma-aa-a-a-an

GUNNY throws down the weights and begins press ups.

MIC He'll do press-ups and chin-ups, Do the snatch, clean and jerk.

MIC crosses to MAC & HARM

He thinks dynamic tension Must be hard work. Such strenuous living I just don't understand.

MIC moves back to GUNNY who is still pressing up.

When, in just seven days - Oh baby...(GUNNY jumps up.)

I can make you A ma-a-a-a-an...(laugh).

INT. LABORATORY: REFRIGERATOR NIGHT

The large refrigeration unit door slowly opens, falling like a drawbridge. Inside is a wall of ice and many CocaCola bottles. Through these bursts an icy EDDIE riding a Harley Davidson motor bike, ex World War II, holding a Gibson guitar.

Several guests are crushed to death.

HARRIETT Eddie!

EDDIE Stay cool baby.

MAC Who's Eddie?

WEBB The delivery boy.

SINGER His delivery wasn't good enough though.

GUNNY looks terrified. MAC has fainted yet again. EDDIE comes to life.

SONG: "WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO SATURDAY NIGHT"

EDDIE Whatever happened to Saturday night When you dressed up sharp And you felt alright It don't seem the same since cosmic light Came into my life and I thought I was divine.

HARRIETT leaps on to the pillion seat.

I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go And listen to the music on the radio.

The MOTORCYCLISTS GUESTS remember only too well.

A saxophone was blowing on a rock and roll show And we climbed in the back And we really had a good time

HARRIETT rushes to the switchboard, flicks a lighting switch and all the lights above the stairs start changing colour. The GUESTS go crazy and rock and roll all over the staircase. HARRIETT dances with EDDIE. Even WEBB and SINGER step it out.

ALL Hot patootie Bless my soul I really love that rock and roll (four times)

EDDIE (more confident, less frozen) leaps onto the motorbike in a legs apart guitar strumming pose. MIC is getting furious. GUNNY is perplexed.

EDDIE My head used to swim From the perfume I smelled. My hands kind of fumbled With her white plastic belt. I'd taster her baby pink lipstick, And that's when I'd melt. And she'd whisper in my ear, Tonight she really was mine.

Get back in front and put Some hair oil on. Buddy Holly was singing His very last song. With your arms around your girl You tried to - ah - sing along It felt pretty good, whoo. Really had a good ti-i-ime.

EDDIE slips onto the pedal starting the bike. He takes off and roars round the laboratory, even riding up and down the walls.

ALL Hot patootie Bless my soul. I really love that rock and roll.

Hot patootie Bless my soul. I really love that rock and roll.

Hot patootie Bless my soul. You know I love that rock and roll.

Hot patootie Bless my soul. I really love that rock and roll.

MIC steals towards the fridge where he collects an ice pick, innocently.

ALL EDDIE Hot patootie HOT PATOOTIE - Bless my soul. BLESS MY SO-O-OUL. I really love that rock and roll.

Hot patootie HOT PATOOTIE Bless my soul. I LOVE THAT ROCK & ROLL. I really love that rock and roll.

Hot patootie HOT PATOOTIE... Bless my soul. I LOVE THAT ROCK & ROLL. I really love that rock and roll.

Hot patootie HOT PATOOTIE... Bless my soul. BLESS MY SO-O-OUL. I really love that rock and roll.

Hot patootie HOT PATOOTIE.. Bless my soul. I REALLY LOVE THAT ROCK & ROLL. I really love that rock and roll.

Hot patootie HOT PATOOTIE... Bless my soul. BLESS MY SO-O-OOOUUL. I really love that rock and roll.

Hot patootie HOT PATOOTIE Bless my soul. I LOVE THAT ROCK & ROLL. I really love that rock and roll.

Hot patootie HOT PATOOTIE Bless my soul. I LOVE-A-LOVE-A-LOVE-A I really love that rock and roll. THAT ROCK AND ROO-AHOUL!

On the last chorus MIC rushes to EDDIE with the ice pick, in a demented fury. THE GUESTS are unbelieving. HARRIETT covers her face with her hands. EDDIE is dead. MIC walks away from his body unconcerned. MAC screams and screams.

INT. LAB NIGHT

SINGER is very bored and picking up ice cubes and placing them in the ice bucket.

MIC One from the vaults.

WEBB drags EDDIE's dismembered body back into the fridge.

And so perish all those who reject my love!

GUNNY cowers in terror.

Oh no, my little Adonis - You're much too beautiful to be destroyed. He had a certain naive charm - but no muscle.

GUNNY flexes. MIC is thrilled.

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

MIC But a deltoid And a bicep, A hot groin And a tricep Makes me - ooh - Shake. Makes me want To take Charles Atlas By the ha-and.

In just seven days - Oh baby -

GUESTS, WEBB, SINGER & HARRIETT & MIC I can make you a Ma-ha-ha-ha-haan.

I don't want no dissension Just dynamic tension.

In just seven days I can make you A ma-ha-ha-ha-haan.

In just seven days I can make you A ma-ha-ha-ha-haaan.

INT. BRIDAL SUITE NIGHT

WEBB presses a button and a wall opens revealing a bridal suite done out in black silk. The GUESTS shout their approval. The end of the SONG turns into Mendelssohn's wedding march and MIC leads GUNNY to his bridal chamber. The GUESTS throw confetti. HARM and MAC look at each other in amazement.

INT. STUDY NIGHT

TINER There are some people who say that life is an illusion, and that reality is simply a figment of our imaginations! If this is so, then Harm and Mac are quite safe. However, the sudden departure of their host and his creation (into the seclusion of his sombre bridal suite) had left them feeling both apprehensive and uneasy. A feeling which grew as the other guests 'departed' and 'they' were shown to their separate rooms.

INT. MAC'S ROOM NIGHT

MAC looks lost. She sits on the end of the bed.

INT. HARM'S ROOM NIGHT

HARM looks lost. He examines the TV monitor.

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

WEBB and SINGER by the monitor. They switch from channel to channel. We see HARM looking at the TV monitor. And MAC sitting on the end of the bed. MAC lies back on the bed and switches off her bedside lamp. WEBB and SINGER smile at each other.

INT. MAC'S ROOM NIGHT

Only a soft glow of moonlight from a barred window. ON the netting round her bed. There is a knock at the door. MAC sits p.

MAC Who is it? Who's there?

HARM's voice from behind the door.

HARM'S VOICE It's only me, Mac.

She relaxes.

MAC Oh, Harm, come in, darling.

A silhouette enters and crosses to the bed. It moves onto the bed behind the net curtain.

MAC Oh Harm - Mmmm - Oh yes, my darling - what if...

HARM It's alright Mac. Everything's going to be alright.

MAC Oh, I hope so my darling. But let me switch on the light.

HARM No, don't do that.

MAC Oh don't be so shy.

She switches on the light to reveal MIC.

MAC YOU!

MIC sits up.

MIC I'm afraid so, Mac. But isn't it nice?

MAC beats his chest with her clenched fists.

MAC You beast, you monster, what have you done with Harm?

MIC Nothing. Why, do you think I should?

MAC You tricked me - I wouldn't have - I've never - never

MIC I know. But it wasn't all bad was it? In fact, I think you found it quite pleasurable. Mmmmm so soft, so sensual.

He re-commences making love to her.

MAC Oh - Oh - no - stop - I mean help. I - Harm - Oh. (she shouts) Harm.

MIC places a finger on her lips.

MIC Ssssh. Harm's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like this?

MAC Like this - like how? It's your fault. You're to blame. (pause) I was saving myself.

MIC Well, I'm sure you're not spent yet.

He switches off the light.

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

WEBB and SINGER stare intently at the screen. They smile at each other.

INT. MAC'S ROOM NIGHT

Silhouette of MIC and MAC making love.

MAC Promise you won't tell Harm.

MIC Cross my heart and hope to die.

MAC squeals with excitement.

INT. BRIDAL SUITE ADJOINING LABORATORY NIGHT

We see GUNNY chained to the bed sleeping. In the background WEBB and SINGER in laboratory. GUNNY stirs and makes a sound. WEBB walks across to the door and stares at the sleeping body. His eyes are full of hate. He looks at SINGER. She nods to him. He releases the chains. GUNNY stirs. WEBB picks up a candelabra from the bedside table and taunts GUNNY. GUNNY jumps out of the bed, terrified. WEBB pushes the candelabra in his face. GUNNY crashes through the laboratory and escapes. WEBB turns to SINGER who is now standing in the doorway. WEBB puts down the candelabra and they exchange a strange sign.

INT. HARM'S ROOM NIGHT

A knock at the door. HARM opens it cautiously. A shadowy figure moves across the room to the bed.

MAC'S VOICE (distraught) Oh Harm, it's no good here. It will destroy us.

HARM takes her hand.

HARM Don't worry Mac, we'll be away from here in the morning. Hmmmm, you smell so good.

He gently lays her down on the bed and attempts to caress her.

MAC Oh Harm. Oh no. Not till after the wedding, Darling.

HARM sits up.

HARM Alright, Mac. I understand.

The shadow rolls over.

MAC Maybe we could try it this way.

HARM (surprised) Mac! Oh! Yes it's alright. Mac. Everything's going to be alright.

MAC I hope so my darling.

HARM reaches out to the light.

No, don't put on the l...

HARM switches on the bedside lamp an realizes he is making love to MIC wearing a MAC wig.

HARM You!

MIC I'm afraid so, Harm. But wasn't it nice?

HARM grabs MIC around the throat.

HARM Why you - what have you done with Mac?

MIC Nothing. Why do you think I should?

HARM lets him go and turns away humiliated.

HARM You tricked me. I wouldn't have - I've never - never.

MIC I know, but it wasn't all bad was it? I think you found it quite pleasurable. (he caresses Harm) Oh so soft. So sensual.

HARM Ahhh - no - stop - I mean Mac. (shouts) Mac.

MIC Shush. Mac's probably asleep by now. Do you want her to see you like this?

HARM Like this. (throwing Mic aside) Like how? It's your fault - you're to blame. I thought it was the real thing.

MIC Oh come on, Harm, admit it. It was enjoyable, wasn't it? There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure.

MIC (Switches off light) Oh Harm, you have wasted so much time already. Mac needn't know, I won't tell her.

HARM You promise you won't tell?

MIC On my mother's grave.

Suddenly the shadows are illuminated by the monitor as an image of WEBB appears on the screen above the bed.

WEBB Master, GUNNY has broken his chains and vanished. The new playmate is loose and in the castle ground. Singer has just released the dogs.

MIC is getting carried away.

MIC I'm coming.

EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS. NIGHT.

A shot of pack of huge alsations careereing around the castle grounds. They are chasing a bewildered GUNNY.

INT. MAC'S ROOM NIGHT

MAC is lying on the bed posed in the style of a "True Romance" comic heroine.

MAC What's happening here? Where's Harm? Where's anybody?

INT. HARM'S ROOM NIGHT

HARM is posed in the style of a "True Romance" comic hero. He is nervous and smoking. Behind him MIC is asleep on the bed.

HARM Once in a while she don't want to call you Speaking on the telephone Once in your life she won't want to know you You look around The one you've found She is gone.

INT. MAC'S ROOM NIGHT

MAC is sitting on the end of the bed.

MAC I'm engaged to Harm just the same as Betty Monroe was to Ralph Hapschatt. But Mic's kisses overwhelmed me with an ecstacy I've never dreamt of before. Hot, burning kisses.

INT. HARM'S ROOM NIGHT

HARM And that's all the time that it takes For a heart to turn to stone The sweeter the wine The harder to make the break You hear something about someone You'd thought you'd known.

INT. MAC'S ROOM NIGHT

MAC is at the door.

MAC I could see Harm's face before me and my mind screamed No! But my lips were hungry - too hungry.

INT. HARM'S ROOM NIGHT

HARM So baby don't cry like there's no tomorrow After the night there's a brand new day. And there'll be no pain And no more sorrow. So wash your face And phone my place It'll be O.K.

INT. CORRIDOR NIGHT

MAC I wanted to be loved completely. My body throbbed excitedly. Oh Harm, Harm my darling, how could I have done this to you?

INT. HARM'S ROOM NIGHT

HARM And that's all the time that it takes For a heart to beat again. So give me a sign That a lover makes You look around The one you've found Is back again.

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

MAC If only we hadn't made this journey. If only the car hadn't broken down. If only we were amongst friends or sane persons.

INT. STUDY NIGHT

The TINER is leaning back in his armchair, cool and considerate.

TINER "If" and "Only", two small words. Words which kept repeating themselves again and again in Mac's thoughts. But it was too late to go back now. It was as if she were riding a giant tidal wave. It would be folly to fight against it. Her only chance would be to ride it out - adapt - and perhaps also to survive.

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

MAC is pacing around the tank which is covered by a cloth. She becomes aware of the sound of someone crying inside. She pulls the cloth back to reveal GUNNY lying in the tank - exhausted and bleeding. GUNNY looks miserable.

MAC Yes. There you see it's instinctive. This room is your womb. You returned here for one thing - security.

MAC crosses to the TV monitor.

MAC Oh Harm! What have they done with him?

TV MONITOR She switches on the monitor. She changes the channels on the monitor getting various empty rooms in the castle. Occasional shot of alsatian dogs. Till finally she switches into HARM's bedroom and sees HARM sitting on the end of the bed and MIC lying asleep on the bed.

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

MAC Ahhh!

GUNNY smiles helplessly. MAC moves away from the monitor and back to GUNNY.

MAC Oh Harm. How could you? (she sees GUNNY's wounds) Oh, but you're hurt. Did they do this to you?

GUNNY nods.

MAC Here, lie down. I'll dress your wounds.

GUNNY smiles at MAC. A new _expression crosses her face.

INT. STUDY NIGHT

TINER (reads from a dictionary) "Emotion". Mental agitation - an excited state of. (he looks up) It is also an irrational and powerful master and from what Mac had witnessed on the monitor, there seemed to be little doubt that she was indeed its slave.

INT. HARRIETT'S ROOM NIGHT

HARRIETT and SINGER are watching the monitor.

HARRIETT & SINGER Tell us about it, Mac.

They giggle.

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

SONG: "TOUCH A TOUCH ME"

GUNNY is lying on the operating table. MAC is dabbing his wounds.

MAC I was feeling done in Couldn't win I'd only ever kissed before

INT. HARRIETT'S ROOM NIGHT

HARRIETT and SINGER.

HARRIETT (to Singer) You mean she only ever kissed?

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

MAC rips off a piece of her petticoat for a bandage.

MAC I thought there's no use getting Into heavy petting.

She rips off another piece of her petticoat.

It only leads to trouble And seat wetting.

MAC rips another piece off her fast vanishing petticoat. During the next verse she bandages GUNNY.

MAC Now all I want to know Is how to go I've tasted blood And I want more I'll put up no resistance I want to stay the distance I've got an itch to scratch And I need assistance.

MAC grabs GUNNY's hands and places them on her.

MAC Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me. I wanna be dirty. Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me. Creature of the night.

Then if anything grows (she laughs) While you pose, I'll oil you up And rub you down

WEBB, SINGER, HARRIETT Down, down down.

MAC And that's just one small fraction Of the main attraction You need a friendly hand. Oh, and I need action.

Touch-a touch-a touch-a, touch me. I wanna be dirty. Thrill me, chil me, fulfil me. Creature of the night.

INT. HARRIETT'S ROOM

HARRIETT & SINGER are watching the TV relay of GUNNY & MAC. They are amused by MAC'S inexperience, parodying her as they sing.

HARRIETT Touch-a touch-a touch-a, touch me.

SINGER I wanna be dirty.

HARRIETT

Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me.

SINGER Creature of the night.

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

MAC Oh, touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me. I wanna be dirty. Thrill me chill me, fulfil me - oh - Creature of the night.

Creature of the ni-i-ight.

INT. HARRIETT'S ROOM NIGHT

HARRIETT & SINGER's reactions.

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

MAC & GUNNY in each other's arms hear another scream in the distance.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE LABORATORY NIGHT

MIC is chasing WEBB with a whip. HARM is following. WEBB rushes into the lift and presses the button desperately but MIC follows him and so does HARM. We see the lift descending.

INT. LABORATORY. NIGHT

WEBB slides across the laboratory floor escaping MIC's whip.

WEBB Aaaargh! Mercy.

MIC How did it happen? I understood you were to be watching.

WEBB gets to his feet keeping a careful eye on the whip hand.

WEBB I was only away for a minute Master.

MIC Well, see if you can find him on the monitor.

TV MONITOR

WEBB switches channels on the monitor. An image of a middle-aged professorial man in a wheelchair appears. The man is outside the castle, peering around the trees stealthily.

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

WEBB Master, we have a visitor.

TV MONITOR

MIC and HARM crowd around the monitor.

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

HARM Great scott - AJ – Admiral AJ Chegwidden.

WEBB You know this earth - this person.

HARM I most certainly do. He happens to be an old friend of mine.

MIC I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. You came here with a purpose.

HARM I told you, my car broke down.

TV MONITOR

On the monitor the stranger looks very shifty.

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

MIC looks HARM hard in the eye.

HARM I was telling the truth.

MIC I know what you told me, Harm. But this Admiral AJ Chegwidden.
His name is not unknown to me.

HARM He was a Science Teacher at Denton High.

MIC And now he works for your Government, doesn't he, Harm? He's attached to the Bureau of Investigation of that which you call U.F.O's. Isn't he, Harm?

HARM He might be. I don't know.

MIC Hmmmm. He'll be in the Zen Room.

TV MONITOR

Admiral Chegwidden is indeed in the Zen Room.

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

MIC Well, let's ask him.

MIC throws a switch marked "TRIPLE CONTACT ELECTRO MAGNET".

EXT/INT. VARIOUS LOCALES NIGHT

We see Admiral Chegwidden's wheelchair screaming through corridors, rooms and doors and ends up clamped to the electro magnet in the laboratory.

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

HARM is amazed.

HARM Admiral Chegwidden!

ADMIRAL AJ CHEGWIDDEN is even more amazed.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN Harm! What are you doing here?

MIC releases the electro magnet. The wheelchair hits the floor.

MIC Don't play games, Admiral. You know very well what Harm Rabb's doing here. It was part of your plan was it not that he, and his female, should check the layout for you. Well, unfortunately for you all there's to be a change of plans. I'm sure you're adaptable, Admiral. I know Harm is.

HARM looks embarrassed and humiliated.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN I can assure you that Harm's presence comes as a complete surprise to me. I came to find Eddie.

HARM Eddie? I've seen him. He's...

MIC cuts in quickly.

MIC Eddie? What do you know of Eddie, Admiral Chegwidden?

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. You see Eddie happens to be my nephew.

HARM Admiral Chegwidden.

A stifled gasp is heard from MAC behind the curtain. MIC is surprised. MIC crosses the screen and pulls back the curtain to reveal MAC and GUNNY.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN Mac!

MAC Admiral Chegwidden!

HARM Mac!

MIC GUNNY!

GUNNY reviles MIC with a look. He puts his arm around MAC. MIC is appalled.

MIC Listen! I made you, and I can break you just as easily.

GUNNY is terrified. He takes his arm away from MAC.

MIC That's better.

A GONG is heard. SINGER comes through the broken tiles.

SINGER Master, dinner is prepared.

MIC & WEBB exchange a look.

MIC Excellent. (moves to Admiral Chegwidden)

Doctor Scott you can sample the specialty of the house - roast loin of pork.

He gives MAC, who is virtually naked, a searing look.

MIC Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional.

MIC leads the way to the lift.

INT. THE STUDY NIGHT

TINER Food has always played a vital role in life's rituals. The breaking of bread - the last meal of the condemned man - and now this meal. However informal it might appear you can be sure there was to be very little 'bonhomie'.

INT. DINING ROOM NIGHT

At the head of a large coffin shaped table sits MIC. There is an electric carver on the table in front of him. The table is laid for dinner and present are MAC & HARM on MIC's right, ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN opposite him, GUNNY on Admiral Chegwidden's right and between GUNNY and MIC, HARRIETT. They sit in silence as the double doors open. WEBB and SINGER enter. WEBB carries a large joint of meat, SINGER the wine, both of which they set down at the head of the table. WEBB & SINGER pour out the wine and return to the side of FRONT who then rises.

MIC A toast to absent friends.

ALL Absent friends.

MIC now proceeds to carve the meat. Everyone is quiet and only the buzzing of the electric carver is heard. WEBB & SINGER distribute the slices, then return to their places.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN We came here to discuss Eddie.

HARRIETT Eddie!

MIC (Silencing her with a gesture) It's a rather tender subject.... Another slice anyone.

Everybody looks at their food carefully. HARRIETT rises.

HARRIETT Excuse me.

She rushes from the room with a ghastly cry.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN (turning aside) I knew he was in with a bad crowd. But it was worse than I imagined...(He turns back) Aliens!

HARM & MAC look at each other, then at ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN.

HARM & MAC Admiral Chegwidden!

MIC Go on, Admiral Chegwidden - or should I say doctor von Scott.

HARM What exactly are you implying?

MIC threatens him with the knife.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN That's alright Harm.

HARM But Doctor Scott...

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN silences HARM with a gesture.

SONG: "EDDIE'S TEDDY"

SCOTT picks up some meat on a fork and regards it.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN From the day he was born, he was trouble.

He was the thorn In his mutter's side.

She tried in vain.

INT. THE STUDY NIGHT

TINER But he never caused her Nothing but shame.

INT. DINING ROOM NIGHT

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN produces scrapbook, opening it at a picture of Eddie's mother.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN He left home the day she died.

From the day she was gone All he wanted

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN turns page to a picture of a record of Elvis, singing Teddy Bear.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN Was rock and roll,

He turns the page to porno. magazine.

Porn.

He turns page to show an advertisement for Harley Davidson.

Und a motorbike.

He turns to a still of Eddie as an addict

Shooting up junk

He turns to reveal a newspaper clipping "Thug bashes woman, 66".

He was a low down Cheap little punk.

Turns the page to Eddie's mug shot.

Taking everyone for a ride.

The page turns again revealing the lyrics.

ALL When Eddie said He didn't like his teddy You knew he was a no good kid.

But when he threatened your life With a switch blade knife

MIC What a guy

MAC Makes you cry

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN Und I did.

INT. HARRIETT'S ROOM NIGHT

She has a large portrait of EDDIE on the wall. She is lighting the candles on her dressing table.

HARRIETT Everybody shoved him, I very nearly loved him. I said, hey listen to me, Stay sane inside insanity. But he locked the door And threw away the key.

She collapses in tears.

INT. DINING ROOM NIGHT ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN Making him warn, me, In a note

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN produces the note.

Which reads.

ALL What's it say, What's it say?

INSERT EDDIE'S NOTE

EDDIE I'm out of my head Oh hurry, or I may be dead. They mustn't carry out their evil deeds, Yaaaow.

INT. DINING ROOM NIGHT

Admiral Chegwidden's hands tremble with the note. MAC & HARM are now standing one each side of him.

ALL When Eddie said he didn't like his teddy You knew he was a no good kid.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN Und when he threatened your life With a switch blade knife

MIC What guy

MAC Makes you cry

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN

Und I did.

B.C.S. TEDDY as ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN produces it.

ALL Eddie!

INT. DINING ROOM NIGHT

EDDIE'S TEDDY: REPRISE

ALL When Eddie said he didn't like his teddy You knew he was a no good kid.

But when he threatened your life With a switch blade knife

MIC What a guy

ALL Woe woe woe

MAC Makes you cry

ALL Hey hey hey

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN Und I did

ALL EDDIE!

MIC suddenly pulls away the tablecloth to reveal a glass coffin containing the decomposed remains of EDDIE.

INT. DINING ROOM/HALL/STAIRS

WEBB & SINGER laugh. MAC screams and runs to GUNNY who hugs her. HARM looks shocked. ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN wheels back his wheelchair in disgust, MIC moves towards GUNNY.

MIC Oh GUNNY, how could you!

MAC runs out, MIC in pursuit. GUNNY smiles wanly. Encouraged by this, MIC smashes MAC across the face with the back of his hand.

MIC I'll tell you once, Won't tell you twice You'd better wise up Sarah Mackenzie.

Y'apple pie Don't taste too nice You'd better wise up Sarah Mackenzie.

She runs out of room.

INT. CORRIDOR NIGHT

MAC runs down corridor - MIC following her.

MIC I've laid the seed It should be all you need.

HARM appears, pushing ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN, in hot pursuit.

You're as sensual As a pencil Wound up like an 'E' or first string

MAC arrives at door of laboratory - she can't open it. MIC arrives face to face.

MIC When we made it Did ya hear a bell ring?

The door opens - they fall through. The door slams in ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN's face.

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

MAC rushes in, down the ramp, with MIC in pursuit.

MIC Y'got a block, Take my advice. You'd better wise up, Sarah Mackenzie.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN & HARM arrive in the lift. MIC has circled the tank and arrived at the control panel.

MIC The transducer (He slams the handle) Will seduce yah.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN, HARM & MAC find they are stuck to the floor.

MAC My feet - I can' move my feet.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN My wheels - My God, I can't move my wheels.

HARM It's as if we were glued to the spot.

MIC You are - so quake with fear, you tiny fools.

MAC We're trapped.

MIC (Moving to her) It's something you'll Get used to. A mental mind fuck Can be nice.

MAC Oh!

MIC climbs up the ladder beside the tank. (music under this dialogue)

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN You won't find earth people quite the easy mark you imagine. This sonic transducer - it is, I suppose, some kind of audio-vibratory, physiomolecular transport device....

HARM You mean...

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN Yes Harm. It's something we ourselves have been working on. But it seems our friend here has found a way of perfecting it. A device which is capable of breaking down solid matter and then projecting it through space, and - who knows - perhaps even time itself!

MAC You mean he's gonna send us to another planet?

MIC leaps off the tank to the floor.

MIC Planet.

Schmanet.

Mac.

MIC circles MAC, testing her thighs. HARM struggles in vain.

MIC You'd better wise up, Sarah Mackenzie. You'd better wise up, Build your thighs up. You'd better wise up.

INT. STUDY NIGHT

TINER Then she cries out -

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

SONG: "HOT DOG"

MAC screams out.

MAC Sto-o-o-o-o-op.

She cried so loudly that MIC staggers backwards towards the control panel. WEBB & SINGER enter through the hole in the tiles - they march to behind the tank and then the control panel.

MIC (singing) Don't get hot and flustered - Use a bit of mustard.

HARM You're a hot dog But you'd better not Try to hurt her, Mic Furter.

MIC signals to SINGER. BCS SINGER's hand on the transducer switch. HARM is turned into a statute.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN You're a hot dog But you'd better not Try to hurt her, Mic Brumby.

MIC signals, cut to the switch as it is turned on. ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN is a statue.

MAC You're a hot dog...

MIC signals. C.S. SWITCH. MAC is stone.

INT. LABORATORY NIGHT

DIALOGUE SEQUENCE.

HARRIETT My God! I can't take any more of this - first you spurn me for Eddie, then you cast him off like an old overcoat for GUNNY. You chew people up and then spit them out - I loved you, do you hear me - I LOVED YOU - And what did it get me - I'll tell you - a big nothing. You're like a sponge. You take, take, take, take! You drain others of their love and emotions. Well, I've had enough. You've got to choose between me and GUNNY - so named because of the rocks in his head.

MIC throws a switch, she turns to stone.

MIC It's not easy having a good time.

He crosses over to WEBB and SINGER

Even smiling makes my face ache.

WEBB and SINGER nod sympathetically. He lies on the operating table. They massage.

MIC My children turn on me. GUNNY's behaving just as Eddie did. Maybe I made a mistake in splitting his brain between the two of them.

SINGER (massaging his temples) When will we return to Transylvania? I grow weary of this world.

MIC Singer, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother Webb - you have both served me well - loyalty such as yours must be rewarded and you will discover when the mood takes me I can be quite generous.

SINGER betrays her resentment by digging her fingernails into his neck.

SINGER I ask for nothing, Master.

MIC leaps up from the table.

MIC And you shall receive it - in abundance. (he goes to the lift) Come. We are ready for the floor show. (he slams the lift gate) Our guests will be growing restless.

The lift moves downwards. Left alone in the laboratory SINGER and WEBB smile at each other. They make a special sign and leave by a secret passageway.

INT. STUDY NIGHT

TINER And so, by some extraordinary coincidence - fate it seems had decided that Harm and Mac should keep that appointment with their friend Dr Everett Scott. But it was to be in a situation which none of them could have possibly foreseen. And just a few hours after announcing their engagement, Harm and Mac had both tasted forbidden fruit. This in itself was proof that their host was a man of little morals - and some persuasion. What further indignities were they to be subjected to? And what of the sonic transducer and floor show that had been spoken of? What indeed? From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to be no picnic.

INT. BALLROOM (including STAGE) NIGHT

MUSIC: "THE FLOOR SHOW"

We see the stage at the end of the ballroom with red velvet curtains.

BACKSTAGE NIGHT

MIC is enjoying dressing the statues which are now on stage. Each one is lovingly fitted with extravagant variations on the stocking and suspender belt variety of his own fantasies.

INT. BALLROOM (INCLUDING STAGE) NIGHT

Footlights glowing on the curtains.

INT. BACKSTAGE NIGHT

MIC pulls a switch and the curtains open.

INT. BALLROOM STAGE NIGHT

Red velvet curtains open to reveal statues in front of silver drapes. The floor is covered with a light mist.

INT. BACKSTAGE NIGHT

MIC beams and pulls lever.

INT. STAGE NIGHT

HARRIETT's statue comes to life.

HARRIETT It was great when it all began I was a regular Mic fan. But it was over when he had the plan To start working on a muscle-man. Now the only thing that gives me hope Is my love of a certain dope Rose tints my world keeps me Safe from my trouble and pain.

INT. BACKSTAGE NIGHT

MIC switches. GUNNY leaps to life.

INT. STAGE NIGHT

GUNNY I'm just seven hours old Truly beautiful to behold And somebody should be told My libido hasn't been controlled Now the only thing I've come to trust Is an orgasmic rush of lust Rose tints my world keeps me Safe from my trouble and pain.

HARM animated by MIC

INT. STAGE NIGHT

HARM It's beyond me Help me Mommy I'll be good you'll see Take this dream away What's this, let's see I feel sexy What's come over me Here it comes again.

INT. STAGE NIGHT

MAC animates. She behaves like a sex goddess, completely out of control, as if performing in a burlesque show.

MAC I feel released Bad times deceased My confidence increased Reality is here The game has been disbanded My mind has been expanded It's a gas that Micie's landed His lust is so sincere.

INT. STAGE NIGHT

We PULL BACK on the whole stage. The velvets open to reveal the 20th Century Fox logo as a stage set. At the top of the staircase MIC appears bathed in light. He wears a dazzling version of the national costume and a chiffon cloak which billows in the breeze from a wind machine. He is reminiscent of a 30's film star.

MIC What ever happened to Fay Wray That delicate satin-draped frame As it clung to her thigh How I started to cry For I wanted to be dressed just the same.

INT. STAGE NIGHT

The floor opens to reveal a swimming pool glistening with chlorine and glitter. He beckons the GUESTS. In their drugged state they comply with his every wish.

MIC Give yourself over to absolutely pleasure Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh Erotic nightmares Beyond any measure And sensual daydreams To treasure forever.

MIC enters the pool.

Can't you just see it. Can't you just see it.

They begin to immerse themselves in the pool.

Don't dream it. Be it.

ALL Don't dream it. Be it.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN animates belatedly. He observes the orgy occurring in the pool.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN Ach, we've got to get out of this trap before this decadence saps our wills. I've got to be strong and try to hang on. Or else my mind, may well snap.

The wind machine blows the blanked from his lap and we see legs, stockings and a suspender belt. As in a miracle he can walk again.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN Und my life will be lived, For the thri-i-i-i-ill...

HARM surfaces, his face betraying consternation.

HARM It's beyond me Help me Mo-ommy.

He is pulled back into the pool.

A thrilled MAC now emerges.

MAC God bless Lilly Saint Cyr.

MIC breaks through the water on a lift from GUNNY.

SONG: FLOOR SHOW PT. 3 - WILD AND UNTAMED THING.

MIC My my my my I'm a wild and an untamed thing. I'm a bee with a deadly sting. Get a hit and your mind goes ping. Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing. So let the party and the sounds rock on. Gonna shake it till the life has gone.

Rose tint my world Keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

MIC dives into the pool. During the chorus the whole group are diving in and out of the pool in a frenetic water ballet.

ALL I'm a wild and an untamed thing I'm a bee with a deadly sting. Get a hit and your mind goes ping Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.

They emerge from the pool and form a kick line.

So let the part and the sounds rock on Gonna shake it till the life has gone. Rose tint my world Keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

INT. BALLROOM NIGHT

The doors at the opposite end of the ballroom open.

SONG: "WEBB'S RECIT"

WEBB and SINGER now dressed in military style space suits, face MIC from the opposite end of the ballroom. They applaud slowly. WEBB has a ray gun. The characters on stage freeze - terrified. It's a showdown across the ballroom.

WEBB Mic Brumby It's all over Your mission is a failure.

MIC looks stunned.

Your life style's too extreme.

MIC is guilt-stricken.

I'm your new Commander. You are now my prisoner.

The GUESTS scramble for the safety of the wings.

We return to Transylvania (he turns to Singer) Prepare the transit beam.

SINGER turns to leave.

MIC Wait! I can explain.

INT. STAGE NIGHT

SONG: "I'M COMING HOME"

MIC moves slowly to centre stage. During the song he adjusts footlight controls to give him what effects he requires. The others help MIC out by singing from the wings. HARRIETT operates a spotlight. HARM closes silver curtains.

MIC On the day I went away.

GUESTS Goodbye

MIC Was all I had to say

GUESTS Now I

MIC Want to come again and stay

GUESTS Oh my, my,

MIC Smile and that will mean I may

He kicks on cloud projection. Blue skies appear.

MIC I've seen blue skies Through the tears in my eyes And I realise I'm going home I'm going home

MIC falls on his knees.

Everywhere it's been the same

GUESTS Feeling

MIC Like I'm outside in the rain

GUESTS Wheeling

MIC Free to try and find a game

GUESTS Dealing

MIC Cards for sorrow, Cards for pain.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN switches on wind machine.

I've seen blue skies Through the tears in my eyes And I realise I'm going home I'm going home. I'm going home.

INT. BALLROOM NIGHT

SINGER who during all this has been filing her nails, looks up at MIC who is in an attitude of supplication.

SINGER How sentimental.

WEBB moves slowly to the stage.

WEBB And also presumptuous of you. You see when I said "we" were to return to Transylvania, I referred only to Singer and myself.

MIC looks appalled. The GUESTS are deeply troubled, realizing that they also are not part of the "We".

WEBB You see, you are to remain here, in spirit anyway.

He produces a ray gun.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN Great Heavens, that's a laser.

WEBB Yes, Admiral Chegwidden. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure anti-matter.

HARM You mean you're going to kill him? What's his crime?

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN You saw what became of Eddie. Society must be protected.

WEBB Exactly, Admiral Chegwidden. Now Mic N. Furter, your time has come. Say goodbye to all this and hello to oblivion.

MIC raises himself to his full height.

MIC Do your worse - inferior one.

As WEBB pulls the trigger, HARRIETT dashes between them. She is killed instantly. WEBB fires again at MIC. MIC takes a leap fro the rope on the curtain. The entire proscenium crashes under the weight. And MIC is crushed to death among the velvet and glittered fascia. GUNNY breaks down completely. Although he despised MIC, he was all he had in the world. He rushes to the body and cradles it in his arms. WEBB can stand no more. He fires a blast of laser beam at GUNNY who starts climbing the stairway towards the fox skyline. WEBB fires again and again. With the body of MIC in his arms, GUNNY beats on his chest and lets out a wild sound like a giant beast of the jungle. WEBB fires a sustained beam. GUNNY climbs to the top of the Fox sculpture. WEBB fires again and again. They crash to their deaths.

HARM Good God.

WEBB Yes.

MAC You've killed them.

SINGER has found the entire sequence of events quite distasteful.

SINGER I thought you liked them. They liked you.

WEBB They didn't like me. They never liked me.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN (he tries a calming hand) You did right.

WEBB A decision had to be made.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN (the big sell-out) You're OK by me.

WEBB Admiral Chegwidden I'm sorry about your nephew.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN Yes, well perhaps it was for the best.

WEBB You must leave now Admiral Chegwidden while it's still possible. We are about to beam the entire house back to the planet of transexual in the galaxy of Transylvania. Go now.

The GUESTS flee down the ballroom and out the door. We see the laughing figures of WEBB and SINGER making a special sign to each other.

INT. CASTLE CORRIDORS NIGHT

We see HARM and MAC fleeing with ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN following behind.

INT. BALLROOM NIGHT

WEBB and SINGER's laughter has subsided.

WEBB Our noble mission is almost completed my most beautiful sister, soon we will return to the moon-drenched shores of our "androgenous" planet.

SINGER Ah - sweet Transexual - land of night - to sing and dance once more to your dark refrains. To take that step to the right...

WEBB But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane.

SINGER And our World will do the Time Warp again.

EXT. CASTLE DAWN

There is a huge explosion.

EXT. CASTLE DAWN

We see the entire castle surrounded by a giant beam of light and then vanish into space. During the explosion sequence the film reverts optically to black and white.

EXT. THE CRATER DAY

SONG: "SUPER-HEROES"

HARM, MAC, and ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN's bodies are scattered on three sides surrounding a crater where the castle once was. The scene is arid and deserted. There are remnants of ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN's wheelchair, EDDIE's coffin and broken objects from the laboratory. HARM, tattered and bleeding, lifts himself up.

HARM I've done a lot God knows I've tried To find the truth I've even lied But all I know is down inside.

ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN drags himself to his knees.

HARM & ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN I'm bleeding.

MAC (revives) And super heroes Come to feast To taste the flesh Not yet deceased And al I know Is still the beast

TRIO Is feeding.

The three of them stand shakily on the perimeter of the crater. All that is left is dust and sand and wind and the sun. The CAMERA PANS from face to face in a circular movement getting faster and faster as the trio sing a chorale of hopelessness.

DISSOLVE TO

INT. STUDY NIGHT

The CAMERA has spun into a blur but focusses on a spinning globe of the earth on the TINER's desk. TINER puts his hand on the globe, stopping it. He is standing over his lectern reading from his book like a preacher in a pulpit.

TINER And crawling on the planet's face Some insects called the human race Lost in time, and lost in space And meaning.

He turns and goes to the door of the study. He switches off the light.

VOICES OFF Meaning.

He leaves the study, shutting the door. It's almost dark in the study. Only a sinister glow inside the globe of the earth remains.

CREDIT SEQUENCE

SONG: "SCIENCE FICTION, DOUBLE-FEATURE"

VOICE OVER Science Fiction - double-feature Mic has built and lost his creature Darkness has conquered Harm and Mac The servants gone to a distant planet Oh - at the late night double-feature Picture Show - I want to go - Ohh - To the late night double-feature picture show.

THE END