This is chapter two of my little experiment. Thank you all for your kind words. I appreciate them. I figured you wanted me to continue so I am. The title of this track is What Am I to You? Read the words very carefully because they're beautiful and they apply with ease. Enjoy.
Feels Like Home: Chapter 2
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What am I to you?
Tell me darlin' true
To me you are the sea
Vast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue
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The heavy wind blew strongly around her, tousling the tendrils loosed from her ponytail that fell around her face. It was bitterly cold, and it seemed that a coat, scarf, and gloves couldn't make the grade anymore. Even the Weather Channel meteorologists said Chicago was the only location other than Siberia to receive snow. The lake effect sucks, she thought putting her hands in her pockets. Yes, the city was true to its nickname.
Walking along the coastline of Lake Michigan, It always seemed calming and peaceful to her. Any trial that came her way was ebbed as soon as she felt the breeze and inhaled the saltiness of the tide. She chuckled at her last memory of the beach. It was more of a chaotic sort rather than peaceful. On the other hand, she did seem more like the butterfly these days rather than the tornado.
"Abby." A distant voice called, drowning out the squawk of seagulls.
"Abby!" It called again.
"ABBY!" It was loud and clear this time.
She was aroused from her thoughts.
" Sorry. I was on the beach. Distracting myself from those pesky charts that keep piling up outside," she took a sip of her coffee, "how are things going out there anyway?"
"I can't hear you, Abby. I'm back in Barbados." Susan replied with a slight giggle.
"Yeah, so is Carter." She retorted bitterly
Her older friend and colleague searched her features with compassion.
" Barbados is in Central America. It's near Jamaica. Carter's in the Congo. That's in Africa, Babes!"
" Thanks for the geography lesson," She rolled her eyes and sighed heavily, "Don't they have birth control in Zaire or wherever the hell they are? Wait. Never mind. That's where all the AIDS comes from!"
" You're hopeless."
" Color me infeasible." She dead panned
" Are you gonna tell him?" Susan asked, with a glimmer of hope that maybe she could plead with Abby to open up.
" Tell him what? He's in Africa. Which is quite the palpable distance, I believe. What do you want me to do? Write him a cheap letter? I could use the word unfettered! What am I supposed to tell him?"
" That you're in love with him and can't live another moment without him."
" Have you forgotten a certain British, pregnant wench, and where have I heard that before?" She asked, receiving a guilty expression.
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When you're feeling low
To whom else do you go?
I'd cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so.
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She always hated the complicated cases. Gun shot wounds, psychopaths, pulmonary embolisms, stab wounds, premature births, and an innumerable amount of sutures were all normal. What was complicated? A twenty-six-year-old with schizophrenia oddly decides to shoot his pregnant girlfriend, who was only at the end of her first trimester, but he's scared and decides to stab himself with a butcher knife. The girlfriend is fine, but they had to deliver the baby four months early. The freak, on the other hand, is being wheeled up to surgery by Elizabeth Corday in hopes of saving his left lung due to a pulmonary embolism. Those were the complicated cases.
" He's going to be a great father! He's not crazy like this all the time. I want them to live! Please tell me they're going to live," the young girl cried hysterically in Abby's arms, "Dr. Lockhart, I heard about you saving that guy who got shot by the cannon. If you can save him, you can save Rick and my baby."
" They're doing the best they can. He's in surgery now with Dr. Corday and Dr. Dorset. They're two of the best surgeons in the business. Your baby is on the ventilator which is helping him breathe. His lungs were not fully developed but his heart was. He has a strong heartbeat. That's a good sign. Do you have a name picked out yet?"
"John.""Abby." She heard simultaneously. She looked away to find Pratt standing in the door.
" Abby, phone for you." He repeated.
She turned to the new mother. "I'll be right back."
She passed the front desk and told Jerry that she would take it in the lounge. Jerry was back due to Frank's latest bat with a heart attack and angioplasty.
"Hello?"
"Hey!" She heard the cheery, familiar voice.
"Carter?" She suddenly felt the butterflies in her stomach shoot from their spun cocoons.
" You're not busy are you? I figured I might call and chat a few minutes while I had the chance."
" No, It's pretty calm in our neck of the woods. The below freezing temperatures tend to keep the nut jobs at home." She lied.
" Home sweet igloo. It's 103 degrees here and rising. Enjoy the cold."
"How's Kem?" That was the exact same thing she asked the last time they talked.
" Honestly, I don't really know." He replied with a hint of sadness and anger. She could hear it all over his voice.
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If my sky should fall
Would you even call?
I've opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm givin' you the ball.
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She sat there and listened to him cry. He told her all about the lies and deceit. The supposed mother of his child wanted only his money. She didn't want his love or companionship. No, that was her job. Where did that come from, she asked herself out loud. This was the first time in a long time that they were open and honest with each other. It felt like a breath of fresh air.
"I wish I could be there for you." She admitted to him, but mostly to herself.
" I'm coming home in a couple days. I have to make a last few adjustments here at the clinic, but after that, I'm on the first flight back to Chicago. Alone." He finished matter-of-factly.
" I still miss you. I miss our long talks like this."
"I just miss our friendship in general."
"What?" She asked, knowing fully well what he said. That made her nervous.
" I miss you too." He corrected himself. Did she want him back? He couldn't tell. Like he had said, time would tell with their relationship. He realized they couldn't label anything just yet. That's what happened the first time around. If they jumped back in too quickly, they both might just drown.
************
When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I'll love you when your blue
But tell me darlin' true
What am I to you?
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They hung up and she went back towards the trauma room where her patient sat waiting. She noticed they brought her baby down from the NICU. She exhaled, completely relieved that she did not have to return there. Her mind began to wander. Did she say that her baby's name was John?
" I'm sorry. I had to take that," She turned to the baby, "how's he doing?"
"Better and so am I. Have you talked to the surgeon? Please tell me he's going to live." She was much calmer now.
"I'm not sure. The last time I heard, they were repairing the damage done to the lung. It's already been drained. I'll let you know if I hear anything else. Like I said before, he's in good hands."
" You just don't understand. You don't have to deal with someone with a mental disorder every day of your life. Sure, you see freaks come and go, but it's different when it's someone you love."
Abby closed her eyes. This woman had no earthly idea what she had gone through in her past and probably would in the future. It is different when it's someone you love or two people rather. Her mother and her brother were both Bi-polar. They were manic depressive had she had lived with it her whole life. She was one of those who dealt with those freaks that came and went.
" Actually, I know exactly what you're going through. They're happy as a lark one day and ready to kill themselves the next." Thoughts were poring into her brain, but one was definitely clear. I need a cigarette.
" I live with it. You're just a doctor who prescribes the Perkiset."
" Let me let you in on a little secret. I've lived with mental disorders my whole life. My mother has been manic depressive ever since I was a little girl, and around this time last year, my brother was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder too. So, I know it's hard. It's really hard. You need a shoulder to cry on to let you know that everything will be okay. Believe me, I understand. More than you will ever know."
The woman just stared at her completely awestruck.
"I hate to interrupt, but I have some news," Elizabeth replied, "In the middle of trying to repair the extreme damage done to Rick's lung, a major artery was accidentally damaged in the process. It was penetrated causing blood to drown the right lung while repairing the left. I'm sorry."
The surgeon excused herself as the woman began to cry. Abby excused herself as well.
***********
If my sky should fall
Would you even call?
I've opened up my heart
I never wanna part
I'm givin' you the ball.
************
She trudged into the lounge on what seemed to be her last leg. The day seemed to be just as horrible as the last. The cases became even more complicated as the week went on. Oh to be back on the beach, she thought while pouring herself a much needed cup of glorified water that was supposedly coffee.
Things were so much more complicated now. Patients, work, relationships. That was one thing she looked forward to every day. She would come to work, treat patients, have a cigarette on the roof, have coffee and pie, and that would be her day except for coming home to watch Fox's latest twist on the world of reality television. Even watching rose ceremonies, the munching of animal innards, or Simon Cowell's latest retort towards America's newest cruise ship performer was becoming complicated. Nevertheless, deciding who to vote for on American Idol was much easier than actually having a love life. She missed her relationship with Carter. It was the only steadfast thing in her life. It was always there when she needed it until now. Were they friends? Were they more? She really wasn't sure.
"Hey you," Her friend called strolling inside before sitting down to the newest issue of Us Weekly, "you know I can't really understand the big deal with this Janet Jackson scandal. I've got bigger boobs than she does. You know what they should be doing? Looking at her brother. I knew there was something funny going on when he started hanging out with the Home Alone kid and bought a chimp named Bubbles."
She chuckled. "You're an idiot."
" You know you work at County General when . . ." Susan dead panned.
"Sleep with half your colleagues? Die in a tragic helicopter crash? Enjoyed the whole Britney/ Madonna lesbian kiss way too much?" She suggested.
"I was going for watching way too much Entertainment Tonight, but that works too," She mused before flipping the page, "I heard Carter called."
Her eyes widened. "That was unnecessary. At least there wasn't a letter."
" Are you guys . . . You know what I mean." Susan always tiptoed around what she really wanted to say.
" I don't know. Kem lied to him."
" Poor Carter." That was the only sympathetic thing she could think of.
"Yeah, we talked for a few minutes. I don't know. It's confusing. It's like we're stuck in that same cycle over and over again. It really sucks."
"I understand."
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When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Can you find a love in me?
Would you carve me in a tree?
Don't fill my heart with lies
I will love you when you're blue
But tell me darlin' true
What am I to you?
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This is the second installment. I hoped you like it. It's a tiny bit longer than the first chapter. Thanks again for all your kind words. Two down. Eleven to go. Please review. I'll love you forever and ever. Peace and Love- moi.