Chapter 6: Breakdown

A/n: Thanks for the reviews! Ok, so like I said, this chapter is the only different one throughout the whole fic (though I may do it again if you like it). How is it different, you ask? Well, it is from Sydney's point of view. Gasp! I know, I know, but I wanted you all to read this because I make references to it in future chapters. Read and enjoy, I hope.

Disclaimer: Same old, same old. I own Alyssa and Corey. But I plan to throw Corey in a dumpster one day... Mwahaha.

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It's strange how one's feelings coincide with the seasons. It starts with the spring, when new life is born and new feelings stir, then to the summer when it all heats up in the fiery sun. Then autumn, when the beauty turns golden, orange, red, and flutters about the streets and sidewalks wherever you go. And at last, the winter; snowing white elegance and gracing the tips of your nose. At least, that's how it's supposed to be. My spring was ruined when a snowy downpour took everyone by surprise, killing all hopes of new growth. My summer's heat left me in extreme misery; a temperature which couldn't be handled and a mood which no one could be happy. With autumn came falling leaves; falling happiness; no beauty in life at all, only to leave the trees as barren and empty as my heart. Then the winter... A cold so frozen that it numbed everything except the pain. The snow kept coming, more each day; heavy to the point where it sucks you down and you can't move. It weighs you down and there's no way out, no way around it. And you just have to deal with it. Deal with everything: all the snow life can throw at you. And finally spring arrives again bringing a sliver of hope that life will renew again, yet it doesn't, and the cycle repeats itself season after season.

Then the following spring, the sun came out. It melted any remnants of snow and allowed you to lift yourself and see the greatness around you. Most of all, the sun had returned to my life. I could feel again, I could walk again. It was incredible. But why? Why had it returned? Was it because I said I love you' to someone again? That wasn't it. I said that all along to Alyssa, meaning every word. I said it for a short while to Corey, yet a mindless saying that came from my head and not from my heart. That spring was growing more delightful each day, and finally life became somewhat enjoyable.

I should have known something was coming. No one could have guessed it was possible... I got the phone call just after Alyssa fell asleep. Kendall's voice... It was so far away, like – I don't know – like I was drifting farther away from everything he said to me. There was no way what he said could be true. No, none of it. Why wasn't I dreaming, dammit?

I wanted to fall back into the endless pit of pain and sadness, drown my sorrows. I'd even jump back into the pit if I could. But I was frozen with the phone pressed to my ear, wanting to scream, wishing I could jump for joy, yearning so many things.

He told me I was leaving; I should be the one to go. He told me? Or did I beg him... I don't remember talking, thinking, or even breathing. I don't remember telling Will to stay with Alyssa. I wonder what that flight was like for me, the one heading to Hong Kong. Was I scared? Was I crying? Was I surprised? Was I grateful he was alive? I had to be all those things. I still am... Still I cry every night, still I find myself surprised at what I say to certain people, namely him, and scared at what might be the repercussions to come, and still I'm grateful he's alive.

I do remember one thing about that flight to Hong Kong: the sun shone brightly through the whole flight, and I kept asking myself why is was still gorgeous outside. It was supposed to be cloudy and gray, raining, or snowing again. Something to bury me into the depths of the world...

The rest I remember perfectly. Seeing Vaughn again, the ring, his confusion, him in the hospital. The hospital. That's where everything let loose. That's where I realized that it should have been me that was taken, that he didn't deserve this, that he went through all of this because of me. He really was my guardian angel... But why did he have to leave me!? When he was gone I lost so much. I discovered he'll never know the realness of what happened those two years. I thought it would be best if I protected him from Alyssa. I can't even explain to myself how I could have been thinking that way. But the memories were almost too much too handle again...

My eyes painfully open, only to immediately close. A bright light is taking me over. I think I could be dead, the way my body hurts. But when I can open my eyes again I'm in a hospital. Hospital? The fight... It all comes flooding back: Francie was doubled, probably dead by now, Allison Doren had tried to kill me, she had killed Will, and I had probably killed her. I try to sit up, find someone I know, but it hurts too much. Finally someone is next to me, holding my hand. Oh, Vaughn, thank you for being here...

It isn't Vaughn, though. It is my dad. Where's... Vaughn? I manage to grumble through more intense pain.

He looks at me grimly. Sh, sh, don't speak, he says. Sydney, do you remember what happened back in your apartment? I nod with as little movement as possible. It's been almost a day and a half. Allison died the moment you shot her. Will hasn't woken up yet –

He's... alive? I feel so relieved.

Yes, but please, it's best if you keep resting right now. You really need to, after everything your body's going through right now. It's a miracle that you... are alive. I can't help but feel that he was going to say something else. I don't know what it was. But I know I'm not going to sleep until I see Vaughn. I obey my father, and instead of talking, I mouth, Vaughn' to him. Not now, Sydney. I look at him sternly. Where is Vaughn? Again, I mouth his name, and Dad sits back down next to me. There was a car accident... he begins, immediately inferring that Vaughn could be injured, or even... No, he couldn't possibly be dead. My eyes plead with him to continue. His body hasn't been found yet.

Yet? What do... you mean... yet? I force myself to say. Oh, what could have happened to him?

It happened the night of your fight. When the police got there, no one could be found. We think he may have been intercepted.

I want to cry, so much, or to do something. Scream? It doesn't matter. We're –

We have everyone at the CIA looking for him. But you have got to rest. Please, just stay here, get some sleep; the faster you recover the better. He flashes me a fake comforting smile, one I would like to rip off his face. Just before he reaches the door, he says, We'll find him, don't worry.

How on earth am I going to sleep, knowing my boyfriend is probably being tortured right this instant!? It sends shivers down my spine and I try to refrain from that thought. I know one thing is for sure: that I am not going to stay sitting in this hospital while everyone fails around me. I am going to find him, I know it. If only it didn't hurt so much to move! Once I can feel my legs again I will leave. I will walk right out of the hospital, jump onto whatever plane I need to, and do whatever it takes to get him back with me.

I have to wait a day before I stop caring about the pain. Maybe it has been less than a day, maybe a little more, but I decide to ignore anything I am feeling to go find him. I have to find him; I have no other choice. What about Santa Barbara? We were going to have the best time if this hadn't happened. How I wish he could be with me so I could tell him that I love him. I love him! And I want him so desperately to know it.

My feet settle on the cold floor of the hospital, and creep one by one towards the door. The pain lashes at me and tries to pull me back, but I won't let it. Deep breaths turn to gasps and my chest grows tighter; the torment of pain is enough. My legs can no longer hold my weight, and down I tumble.

It stings like nothing I've felt before, yet I can't feel it; the news of Vaughn powers over it all. I dig my fingers into the floor, trying to pull myself to the door. I'm almost there; please, just a little further. Can't... go... on...

The door drifts farther away. Someone is carrying me away, but who? It must be a hospital employee, what is he saying? Blurry sight, fuzzy sound, yet everything whirs in pain. The agony, the failure, the excruciating tease is everywhere; I can't get away; I can't move; I want to...

Die.

I'm crying. Why does it hurt so badly? Make it stop, Dixon. He holds my hand. He tells me we're all right, but who is we? Can't I ask!? No, nothing emerges from my mouth but meaningless wails and whimpers. Dammit, where is Vaughn? I squeeze Dixon's hand harder. The harder I squeeze the more pain is suppressed... I'm probably hurting him but I can't tell – as long as it goes away from me. I can hear again. But I don't understand what Dixon talks about. ... help it recover... ... Agent Vaughn is... ... you won't be alone through this...

Through what? I want to scream, but I can't. Dixon wipes away my steady tears with the pads of his thumbs. I manage to mumble, miraculously.

Shh, you need your strength. I just spoke with one of the doctors. They say the baby is stable again.

B – baby?

Yes, shh, you almost lost it with your fall. But you both should be fine if you just rest and stay in bed... I am... pregnant? Oh God, where is Vaughn? I need him now. Now! You hear that, CIA? Now. How can I be pregnant? Wow. Vaughn and I are going to have a child; a little piece of both of us to cherish forever. Vaughn and I forever...

The surprise snow only fell harder from there. My summer came and went, all while the pregnancy felt unreal. I went through extensive torture before I realized what I might lose; the closest thing I had to Vaughn. Everyone believed he was dead; everyone but me. And I went to the ends of the world to find him. I never want to remember what I went through for him; only what I realized after that incident. What if Vaughn really is dead? I'm sure I asked myself. Did I ever think about that? I looked down at my stomach, only gently protruding then. What was I doing there!? I couldn't let my piece of Vaughn down. Surely if I kept this up; if I continued to be tortured; I'd lose it. My baby, my precious baby Vaughn. I had to escape, I'd die if I didn't. I can't die anymore! I have to live now; I want to live now.

I can't even remember my escape. The next memory isn't until December 14, 2003, at nearly six in the morning. I'd remember that moment down to the second had I been aware. The first time I saw her; held her in my arms; told her how much she was loved; how much better my life was because of her; how she kept me alive... I remember telling her that I named her Alyssa, a name that Francie and I both adored and argued over who could name their daughter that. I later learned that it meant rational; a perfect fit for how I felt at that time. I gave her the middle name of Michaela, of course, after him. And finally, I would make certain that her last name was Vaughn. I told her how much her father would love her; how much her Aunt Francie would have loved her too; how Grandpa Vaughn would have spoiled her and how Grandma Bristow would have too, had there not been less fortunate events in their lives. I told her how I felt – my true feelings of everything that had happened since that night – something I hadn't told to anyone. And I cried when she cried, for I held in her a trust of which I held with no one. I talked with her how I would talk to Vaughn, only instead of receiving his voice I found his eyes. Alyssa's green eyes were my savior and stronghold. I found in them the same strength I found in Vaughn's, and I thank God for them. Everyone told me how much she looked like me, but I only saw more Vaughn in her each day.

She never slept as a newborn. I endured several months of intense sleep deprivation during this time, however, I had not truly felt the aid of sleep since those weeks in the hospital. In actuality, I'm glad that I almost never slept. I remember the times where I was asleep very vividly; though they are one of the many things I would like to forget. When I slept I had dreams; dreams which were worse than reality. They broke my heart with each minute while I cuddled with my Vaughn, only to be ripped away from him time after time. I couldn't thank Alyssa more for keeping me from the continuing anguish.

Even with my ever growing love for my daughter, I was trapped. The snow buried me and my love for her until the spring came and it was time to bury Vaughn. Will drove Alyssa and I that morning, in an oddly silent car. Even my baby felt the grim tension in the atmosphere at only a few months of age. I stared mindlessly out the window, my only movement was my shallow breaths. When the car stopped at the cemetery, Will carefully took Alyssa into his arms and carried her out. I would have followed, but I couldn't move. Why should I leave the car, my warm protection from everything? Here I couldn't be hurt, the harsh winds could not lash at my face, the gray sky could not fall as rain on me. If I didn't see him buried... then he wasn't dead. Surely, if there's no funeral, then no death. I convinced myself that was how it actually was. I stared out the window as it began to lightly drizzle, feeling protected and growing more insane by the minute. My eyes would occasionally settle on the faces of my friends and coworkers. I could name everyone attending the funeral. Even Alice was there. All of them were crying. All of them. Except for me...

Once again, the weather brought me down with it. I let the rain pour down upon everything in sight, yet when the clouds parted all that was left was the gray skies to keep submerged in my state of depression. I remained hidden in the snow, finding comfort in an igloo I had created for myself.

Then I met Corey Peterson.

I don't remember the exact day, hour, or second that I first saw him like I remember with Vaughn, but I do know that we had been growing closer beginning in the late summer. His intentions were trying to save me from my igloo, however, he simply shoveled a snow path for me and is still waiting at the end, shovel in hand. My love for him came at the pace of a slug and was not an immediate sexual attraction. But I quickly found that he was a great friend: someone to talk to and someone to help me. Someone I could easily depend on when there was no one left. And saying I love you' to Corey is like saying Hello' when you answer the phone: something you're happy to do, but know that it's more out of respect and politeness than anything else.

How did it feel when I told Vaughn I loved him? Oh, right, I didn't. But if only he knew... I remember how it felt when I realized it, though. It's the best thought anyone can think, knowing they're in love. The moment I realized that I loved Vaughn was that night we first made love. And when you think about the love, such an incredible feeling fills your heart, body, and soul until you are floating along through the clouds and heavens. You want to smile all the time, and yell your secret out to anyone and everyone; I love him, I love him! Not how it's like with Corey...

And as I drive along these roads damp from the rain, this is all I can think about. It's even harder to think about anything else with my returning to work; seeing Vaughn everyday and being reminded of it all constantly; he casts me those long penetrating glances that I wish I could ignore, yet thirst that I could stare deeply back into.

I soon find myself sitting in my driveway. How long have I been here? It doesn't matter, it's like this everywhere I go. After grabbing my purse I dash into the house to avoid the still misting rain. I call softly, knowing Alyssa could be sleeping.

Will's head peers out of the kitchen and greets me with a smile. Lately I've noticed the weight he's gained back since that night two years ago. He barely ate anything while recovering, not just in the hospital, but even after he was getting his life back together. He refused to come near anything that gave him energy; life. Now he looks as if nothing had happened, minus a few scars on his neck and torso. Hey. Lyssa's asleep, I just got her down. He rubs his pale, blue eyes , and scratched the back of his neck. What time is it?

I briefly look at my watch. Almost five thirty. Wow, I got out a little early today. I bite my lip. This is the perfect opportunity; almost too perfect. Alyssa is asleep, I am home early... I had hoped that the time for me to talk with Will would be later, but this is, again, the perfect moment. I slowly let out the breath I was holding before I speak again. Will, can we, um, talk for a while? At least until Alyssa wakes up?

Immediately he furrows his brow, assuming something is wrong. Sure. Come on, let's go sit on the couch. I follow him idly, glancing around the apartment, until finally we settle down on the couch; I nestle into the corner and cuddle the pillow into my stomach. So what's up? he asks casually, but with a look of concern in his eye.

I don't know where to begin. But suddenly my eyes water with tears that threaten to fall. Quickly I wipe them away, hoping something decent will come out my mouth. I... I need to talk with you about Vaughn. Or Corey. Or – I don't know. About something! Maybe why Vaughn is always on my mind when I think I love Corey –

You think or you know?

Know. I know... I know. Why did I say think? I look back at Will, contemplating how to continue. Why did I let myself start this conversation in the first place? Because you need help, that's why. Will, I'm so confused. I know that I love Corey, but I don't think I've spent more than fifteen minutes with him ever since Vaughn came back. And Vaughn! He's all I can think about. I'm worried about him, I guess. I don't know! This is so confusing. I bury my face in the pillow momentarily. This shouldn't be as hard as it is. All I have to do is look at Alyssa and I'm reminded of everything that he's lost. God, there's so much. But Corey was there. He's the one who's helped me through this. Not Vaughn.

But it wasn't Vaughn's fault that he was missing.

I sigh. Will's right, and while I'm angry that Vaughn couldn't be here for me, I need to put the blame on someone. If only I could explain to him that I loved Vaughn more than anything when he left... But why couldn't it have been Vaughn? I ask it meekly, and the tears I tried to wipe away are now flowing down my face. Will's arms wrap tightly around me as my head falls naturally onto his shoulder. I don't understand why I'm crying so hard now. Now. Alyssa has been the only person to see me cry, and Vaughn has seen the remnants of tears, I know. But maybe it's time to let loose. Maybe I should just let my feelings bust out into the open. But no! I can't do that; I've never done that and I'll never do that.

It's true that I loved Vaughn more than Corey. It's true that Vaughn left. It's true that Corey cleared my path in the snow. It's true that I do love Corey, and want him to be a part of my life. It's also true that I want Vaughn to be there too. For Alyssa, of course. But perhaps for...

Did you see the way he looked at Alyssa? He loves her! He even said so. There was that instant attraction between them. I just can't keep him away from that; I won't let myself keep him from Alyssa.

Will is silent for a moment as he lets my tears slowly dry. he says when he believes it is safe to speak again, I think it's in Alyssa's best interest to give her time with her dad. I mean, she has known Corey longer, but you're right. There was an immediate bond between them.

I just don't know what to do. Why, why, why did I bring this this up!? I only grow more confused and angry as my thoughts easily slip off my tongue. Will can't help me. I know he can't. Dammit! I liked my igloo, and then the sun had to go and melt it. The igloo; so comfortable, so protective, so easy. And reality...

Why do I always lose everyone I love? I ask rhetorically, rolling my eyes. I had lost my mother, and in a different way, my father, then Danny, then Noah, Francie, and last and most certainly not least, Vaughn. I came so close to losing Will, and even closer to miscarrying Alyssa.

Except what?

Whoops, I didn't want to say the except' part out loud. It was meant for me, and for my reasoning. Can I take it back? No, it's too late. I take a deep breath, prepared for what I know I am about to say. Except, Vaughn came back.

Then I think you know the answer, he says quite calmly, surprising me.

I do?

Yeah. The answer's blatantly obvious. You just have to ask yourself what you want.

What I want, that's what it all comes down to. I stare back at Will with a look of uncertainty on my face. He simply smiles broadly, rustles my hair and walks back into the kitchen, leaving me all alone on the couch. I'm still hugging the pillow tightly. Could Will be right? I sit for a moment and ponder.

What do I want...?



A/n: I hope the different stuff was okay. Please tell me if you liked/disliked the Sydney POV chapter. It's okay if you didn't but just give me some feedback. And don't worry, those of you who missed Vaughn this time around (don't worry, I missed him too), but he'll be back for the rest of the chapters. So without anymore ramblings on my part, REVIEW!
~Whitelighter Enchantress