Chapter Three
More Stuff Happens or Something Along Those Lines
It is five o' clock in the morning. Valjean is in the shower. Everyone else is asleep. Well, almost everyone. (hasn't that intro been used by every author known to man? I feel so cliched. okay, shutting up now.)
Grantaire: I feel.sober?
1 minute later
AH! I am sober!! NOOOO!
*He rushes into the kitchen only to discover that: There is no absinthe There is no wine There is no whiskey There are no even remotely alcoholic beverages in the entire kitchen. There is no food in the kitchen As this is Grantaire, he ignores point E completely and focuses on the others.
NO ALCOHOL! DAMN IT! NO ALCOHOL!
Because the cast members are all teenagers, they all sleep through Grantaire's tortured monologue. They all get up at around ten o' clock and wander into the kitchen. Most of them are concerned about point E and the fact that Grantaire is curled up weeping on the floor.
Enjorlas: You mean to say that we have no food supplies?
Marius: *sits down and cries
But what will Cossette eat?
Eponine: What will Marius e- I mean what will we all eat?
Valjean: If the worst comes to the worst, you can all eat me.
Everyone: Ew. We're not that hungry.
Javert: Thanks for that, Mr. Self-Sacrifice. *Rolls eyes
Thernardier: You never know, in a few days he might start looking pretty good.
*Everyone backs away slowly from Thernardier.
Javert: None of us would ever eat another human. Except for your, um, "Wife."
Madame: THAT'S IT! YOU ASKED FOR IT!
Javert: See what I mean, its rabid!
Valjean: Children, children, let's settle down. Now weren't there a few candy bars stashed in the cupboard?
Eponine: There were.
Valjean: Were?
Cossette: Fantine needed them. She's hiding up in her room.
Valjean: Couldn't she share? I mean, oh.I see. Nevermind.
Javert: Come on! A PMSing woman cannot be that scary!
Valjean: *gently
Javert, have you ever attempted to argue with a woman during that time?
Javert: I don't think so.
Valjean: They don't listen to reason. And when they get mad, they're ten times stronger than any man on earth. And when they cry, they cry longer and louder than you would have thought humanly possible. The fact is, they're scary. Really scary. You have to give into their demands or die.
AUTHOR: YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW RIGHT HE IS, MY BELOVED INSPECTOR JAVERT.
Javert: Oh, its YOU. One question, why didn't you give us any food?
Grantaire: Or alcohol! Do you have a heart? YOU CRUEL EVIL.
AUTHOR: GRANTAIRE, REMEMBER THE RATING! AND I SIMPLY FORGOT TO GIVE YOU FOOD. I'M SORRY.
Valjean: So you're going to give us food, right?
AUTHOR: SURE... OH, WAIT TELEPHONE! BYE!
Everyone: NO!
Marius: We didn't even have any dinner last night!
Valjean: I'm sure we'll think of something. Can't we order a pizza?
Just as Valjean says "pizza" everyone hears the wind howl outside. They look outside the window only to discover that the door is blocked by 6.357 feet of snow. More snow keeps pouring down.
Javert: Um, wasn't it just ninety degrees outside about half a minute ago?
Enjorlas: It must be THE AUTHOR's doing!
Valjean: Now, let's not go around accusing people. Maybe the weather changes quickly around here.
Everyone: *raises eyebrows
Valjean: Um.very, very quickly?
2 hours later. (It might be good to imagine this little sentence as a white sentence on a dark backround. And a creepy, disembodied voice reading it, like in those horror movies. Or better yet, a smurf reading it with a creepy disembodied voice. Wowzeroni, smurf.)
Everyone: Must.have.food! Enjorlas: We should send someone to take the chocolate bars away from Fantine!
Jehan: We should go up and ask her Cause that's only right Stealing from a PMS-ing woman is wrong (Not to mention they bite)
Valjean: Jehan is right. Let's send someone up there to ask her nicely.
Everyone: But who?
Thernardiers: Well, she hates us.
Javert: And I'm afraid she and I don't get along too well either.
Valjean: Nonsense Javert! You're perfect for this job. You're respectful, determined, and don't take no for an answer. And you're the only one who does not fear the strength of a woman on the rag!
Javert: Well, I suppose I could go.
Everyone: GO! FOOD! NOW!
Valjean: *pushes Javert out the door.
Enjorlas: How can we trust that spy to do this? He isn't loyal to the people!
Valjean: We don't. Javert is going to distract Fantine while Gavroche sneaks in through the window and "borrows" her stash of candy bars.
Eponine: Does Javert know that he's being used as bait?
Valjean: No.
Marius: Will he survive?
Valjean: Probably not. May God have mercy on his poor, confused, and twisted soul.
Everyone: Amen.
Javert knocks on Fantine's door.
Fantine: Yes?
Javert: Hello. Fantine: *narrows eyes. Oh, its you.
Will the cast be forced to resort to cannibalism? Will THE AUTHOR ever end a chapter without her stupid question session? And where in the Almighty Potato's name did her socks get to? Can she think of any more questions to write right now? Why is she asking YOU to answer these questions? And finally, will the story ever develop a plot?
Remember people,
REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!
More Stuff Happens or Something Along Those Lines
It is five o' clock in the morning. Valjean is in the shower. Everyone else is asleep. Well, almost everyone. (hasn't that intro been used by every author known to man? I feel so cliched. okay, shutting up now.)
Grantaire: I feel.sober?
1 minute later
AH! I am sober!! NOOOO!
*He rushes into the kitchen only to discover that: There is no absinthe There is no wine There is no whiskey There are no even remotely alcoholic beverages in the entire kitchen. There is no food in the kitchen As this is Grantaire, he ignores point E completely and focuses on the others.
NO ALCOHOL! DAMN IT! NO ALCOHOL!
Because the cast members are all teenagers, they all sleep through Grantaire's tortured monologue. They all get up at around ten o' clock and wander into the kitchen. Most of them are concerned about point E and the fact that Grantaire is curled up weeping on the floor.
Enjorlas: You mean to say that we have no food supplies?
Marius: *sits down and cries
But what will Cossette eat?
Eponine: What will Marius e- I mean what will we all eat?
Valjean: If the worst comes to the worst, you can all eat me.
Everyone: Ew. We're not that hungry.
Javert: Thanks for that, Mr. Self-Sacrifice. *Rolls eyes
Thernardier: You never know, in a few days he might start looking pretty good.
*Everyone backs away slowly from Thernardier.
Javert: None of us would ever eat another human. Except for your, um, "Wife."
Madame: THAT'S IT! YOU ASKED FOR IT!
Javert: See what I mean, its rabid!
Valjean: Children, children, let's settle down. Now weren't there a few candy bars stashed in the cupboard?
Eponine: There were.
Valjean: Were?
Cossette: Fantine needed them. She's hiding up in her room.
Valjean: Couldn't she share? I mean, oh.I see. Nevermind.
Javert: Come on! A PMSing woman cannot be that scary!
Valjean: *gently
Javert, have you ever attempted to argue with a woman during that time?
Javert: I don't think so.
Valjean: They don't listen to reason. And when they get mad, they're ten times stronger than any man on earth. And when they cry, they cry longer and louder than you would have thought humanly possible. The fact is, they're scary. Really scary. You have to give into their demands or die.
AUTHOR: YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW RIGHT HE IS, MY BELOVED INSPECTOR JAVERT.
Javert: Oh, its YOU. One question, why didn't you give us any food?
Grantaire: Or alcohol! Do you have a heart? YOU CRUEL EVIL.
AUTHOR: GRANTAIRE, REMEMBER THE RATING! AND I SIMPLY FORGOT TO GIVE YOU FOOD. I'M SORRY.
Valjean: So you're going to give us food, right?
AUTHOR: SURE... OH, WAIT TELEPHONE! BYE!
Everyone: NO!
Marius: We didn't even have any dinner last night!
Valjean: I'm sure we'll think of something. Can't we order a pizza?
Just as Valjean says "pizza" everyone hears the wind howl outside. They look outside the window only to discover that the door is blocked by 6.357 feet of snow. More snow keeps pouring down.
Javert: Um, wasn't it just ninety degrees outside about half a minute ago?
Enjorlas: It must be THE AUTHOR's doing!
Valjean: Now, let's not go around accusing people. Maybe the weather changes quickly around here.
Everyone: *raises eyebrows
Valjean: Um.very, very quickly?
2 hours later. (It might be good to imagine this little sentence as a white sentence on a dark backround. And a creepy, disembodied voice reading it, like in those horror movies. Or better yet, a smurf reading it with a creepy disembodied voice. Wowzeroni, smurf.)
Everyone: Must.have.food! Enjorlas: We should send someone to take the chocolate bars away from Fantine!
Jehan: We should go up and ask her Cause that's only right Stealing from a PMS-ing woman is wrong (Not to mention they bite)
Valjean: Jehan is right. Let's send someone up there to ask her nicely.
Everyone: But who?
Thernardiers: Well, she hates us.
Javert: And I'm afraid she and I don't get along too well either.
Valjean: Nonsense Javert! You're perfect for this job. You're respectful, determined, and don't take no for an answer. And you're the only one who does not fear the strength of a woman on the rag!
Javert: Well, I suppose I could go.
Everyone: GO! FOOD! NOW!
Valjean: *pushes Javert out the door.
Enjorlas: How can we trust that spy to do this? He isn't loyal to the people!
Valjean: We don't. Javert is going to distract Fantine while Gavroche sneaks in through the window and "borrows" her stash of candy bars.
Eponine: Does Javert know that he's being used as bait?
Valjean: No.
Marius: Will he survive?
Valjean: Probably not. May God have mercy on his poor, confused, and twisted soul.
Everyone: Amen.
Javert knocks on Fantine's door.
Fantine: Yes?
Javert: Hello. Fantine: *narrows eyes. Oh, its you.
Will the cast be forced to resort to cannibalism? Will THE AUTHOR ever end a chapter without her stupid question session? And where in the Almighty Potato's name did her socks get to? Can she think of any more questions to write right now? Why is she asking YOU to answer these questions? And finally, will the story ever develop a plot?
Remember people,
REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!