Chapter Four
An Update! An Update!
And the Great Potato spaketh to his disciple, instructing her to update her fanfic on a usual basis. But THE AUTHOR fell short of his glorious commands and many months passed after Chapter 3 was posted. And the insane people cried, "Update, damn you!" But THE AUTHOR did not update. And the few sane people of the fanfiction community gave a great cry of "YES! THAT PIECE OF CRAP IS OVER!" And the insane people cried once again, "UPDATE!" And many Easter Peeps were burned as a sacrifice to the Almighty Potato as the insane people continued to cry, "Oh, Potato! With your glorious powers make THE AUTHOR continue her fanfic!" And the Almighty Potato heard their cries and he did waketh THE AUTHOR at 3 am. "OH, MOST GLORIOUS POTATO! WHAT BRINGS YOU TO MY MOST UNWORTHY HOME?" YOU WILL UPDATE, MY CHILD. And she did turn on her computer and began to type once again...
A moose: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
THE AUTHOR: YES, PEOPLE! YOU KNOW THAT A SCREAMING MOOSE CAN ONLY MEAN THAT THERE IS-
Random Monks- AN UPDATE! AN UPDATE!
The Cast: NOOOOOOOO!
A Banana: Yeah!
When we last left our darling cast, they were stranded in a snowstorm that magically sprung up at the end of the summer. Now, however, they are stranded in a snowstorm and somehow it's now March and Christmas has been tragically been skipped-
Bishop: NO! Christmas is a time to celebrate the wondrous gift God has given-
But strangely, the action will be continuing from where we left off. Because-
AUTHOR: BECAUSE I RULE THIS FANFIC AND I CAN CHANGE THE BLOODY MONTHS IF I CHOOSE TO DO SO!
You (whoever is reading this): I'm confused! Please enlighten me, most wonderful, worshipful, and perfect being!
AUTHOR: REMEMBER, KEEP YOUR TRAY TABLE UP AND YOUR SEAT BACK IN THE FULL UPRIGHT POSITION! AND MASHED POTATOES CAN BE YOUR FRIENDS IF YOU ONLY DARE TO BE STUPID!
And so the story continues:
Fantine: I feel...happy?
Javert: You do? I mean, um, that's just-
Fantine: I think I no longer want this chocolate! I think I no longer need Mydol! I think something has gone terribly wrong in this fanfic! I think THE AUTHOR has run out of annoying things for me to say that begin with "I think"!
Javert: What do you mean?
Fantine: Listen, cop-boy, my period wasn't supposed to stop for another three days! Check the calendar-what day is today?
Javert: The 25th of, of-
Fantine: Of what?
Javert: Of March? But yesterday was September something-or-the-other!
Fantine: I'm confused. How did we jump into the new year in only about five minutes?
Javert: This must be the doing of 24601! I mean, THE AUTHOR! Or maybe both of them! I shall now leave without food because I am insane and feel a horrible need to go verbally attack someone! And possibly get hit in the head with a large blunt object!
Fantine: I feel strangely blonde today! Although your plan is stupid, I will go with you! Let us continue talking in odd exclamations!
Javert: OK!
Fantine: Let's go accuse people!
The Kitchen.
Grantaire: I'm still sober! NOOOOOOOOOO!
Eponine: Oh no! Marius, you look pale with hunger!
Marius: Actually, I ran out of my shade of foundation and had to borrow some of Cossette's. And she wears Ivory #43 and I wear Nude Beige #21.
Eponine: Oh. Well, it looks nice on you.
Marius: Really?
Gavroche: No.
Eponine: (elbows Gavroche) Of course it does.
Meanwhile Javert and Fantine are ruthlessly interrogating a small child who just so happens to be in the mansion. Both are still talking in exclamations due to a strange whim of THE AUTHOR that was inspired by The Voices in HER head...
Javert: What is your name?!
Small child: Avacado?
Fantine: What is your favorite color?!
Small Child: MOO!
Javert: Why are you here in the mansion?!
Small Child: Monkey!
Fantine: What was your favorite Birthday present you got this year?!
Small Child: POTATOES!
Javert: Are you connected in any way with the being known as "The Author"?!
Small Child: Quidam!
Fantine: Does your mommy know where you are?
(Yay, Fantine stopped exclaiming!)
Small Child: SwatchitchaKABOONga!
Somewhere outside...in the snow...Brrr...
Enjolras: It's sure a long walk from Guam to Colorado! I bet a barricade couldn't even span that distance, even one made by the people.
Cosette: And all the swimming! My mascara is running and I'm all pruney!
Enjolras: I wonder if everybody's alright. I hope that THE AUTHOR hasn't done something to harm them. Well, maybe she could harm that spy, Javves or Joanne or whatever the hell he was called.
Cosette: Javert.
Enjolras: Whatever. I bet everyone will be happy to find us both alright. I know my men will. And when I arrive, we shall build a barricade to show our joy!
Cosette: I can't wait to see Marius! He must have been so worried!
Back inside the mansion...
Enjorlas: I hope the spy gets back with the food.
Gavroche: Maybe he's dead!
Cossette: You can't even trust a spy to steal something for himself!
Marius: Cossette, I love you!
Cossette: I love you too!
Valjean: Grr....
Marius: I would love you even if you were only a second version of the real Cosette who has been created due to a misspelling of your name by THE AUTHOR.
Back at THE AUTHOR'S office
AUTHOR: NO! HOW CAN THIS BE! WHAT AM I TO DO WITH TWO VERSIONS OF ENJOLRAS AND COSETTE! I SHALL NOW QUOTE A QUOTE THAT I BELIEVE DESCRIBES MY SITUATION PERFECTLY:
CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you believe this chapter is over already? Will the rest of the cast figure out which Enjolras is which? Will Marius end up loving Cossette more than Cosette? Will Enjolras meet Enjorlas and will Cossette meet Cosette? Shall THE AUTHOR scratch her butt, which itches terribly, or continue writing these questions? Who is the Small Child and why is she in the mansion? Could she be a Mary Sue? (NOOOOOO!!!!AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!) And finally, if the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything is Forty- Two, what is the Question?
An Update! An Update!
And the Great Potato spaketh to his disciple, instructing her to update her fanfic on a usual basis. But THE AUTHOR fell short of his glorious commands and many months passed after Chapter 3 was posted. And the insane people cried, "Update, damn you!" But THE AUTHOR did not update. And the few sane people of the fanfiction community gave a great cry of "YES! THAT PIECE OF CRAP IS OVER!" And the insane people cried once again, "UPDATE!" And many Easter Peeps were burned as a sacrifice to the Almighty Potato as the insane people continued to cry, "Oh, Potato! With your glorious powers make THE AUTHOR continue her fanfic!" And the Almighty Potato heard their cries and he did waketh THE AUTHOR at 3 am. "OH, MOST GLORIOUS POTATO! WHAT BRINGS YOU TO MY MOST UNWORTHY HOME?" YOU WILL UPDATE, MY CHILD. And she did turn on her computer and began to type once again...
A moose: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
THE AUTHOR: YES, PEOPLE! YOU KNOW THAT A SCREAMING MOOSE CAN ONLY MEAN THAT THERE IS-
Random Monks- AN UPDATE! AN UPDATE!
The Cast: NOOOOOOOO!
A Banana: Yeah!
When we last left our darling cast, they were stranded in a snowstorm that magically sprung up at the end of the summer. Now, however, they are stranded in a snowstorm and somehow it's now March and Christmas has been tragically been skipped-
Bishop: NO! Christmas is a time to celebrate the wondrous gift God has given-
But strangely, the action will be continuing from where we left off. Because-
AUTHOR: BECAUSE I RULE THIS FANFIC AND I CAN CHANGE THE BLOODY MONTHS IF I CHOOSE TO DO SO!
You (whoever is reading this): I'm confused! Please enlighten me, most wonderful, worshipful, and perfect being!
AUTHOR: REMEMBER, KEEP YOUR TRAY TABLE UP AND YOUR SEAT BACK IN THE FULL UPRIGHT POSITION! AND MASHED POTATOES CAN BE YOUR FRIENDS IF YOU ONLY DARE TO BE STUPID!
And so the story continues:
Fantine: I feel...happy?
Javert: You do? I mean, um, that's just-
Fantine: I think I no longer want this chocolate! I think I no longer need Mydol! I think something has gone terribly wrong in this fanfic! I think THE AUTHOR has run out of annoying things for me to say that begin with "I think"!
Javert: What do you mean?
Fantine: Listen, cop-boy, my period wasn't supposed to stop for another three days! Check the calendar-what day is today?
Javert: The 25th of, of-
Fantine: Of what?
Javert: Of March? But yesterday was September something-or-the-other!
Fantine: I'm confused. How did we jump into the new year in only about five minutes?
Javert: This must be the doing of 24601! I mean, THE AUTHOR! Or maybe both of them! I shall now leave without food because I am insane and feel a horrible need to go verbally attack someone! And possibly get hit in the head with a large blunt object!
Fantine: I feel strangely blonde today! Although your plan is stupid, I will go with you! Let us continue talking in odd exclamations!
Javert: OK!
Fantine: Let's go accuse people!
The Kitchen.
Grantaire: I'm still sober! NOOOOOOOOOO!
Eponine: Oh no! Marius, you look pale with hunger!
Marius: Actually, I ran out of my shade of foundation and had to borrow some of Cossette's. And she wears Ivory #43 and I wear Nude Beige #21.
Eponine: Oh. Well, it looks nice on you.
Marius: Really?
Gavroche: No.
Eponine: (elbows Gavroche) Of course it does.
Meanwhile Javert and Fantine are ruthlessly interrogating a small child who just so happens to be in the mansion. Both are still talking in exclamations due to a strange whim of THE AUTHOR that was inspired by The Voices in HER head...
Javert: What is your name?!
Small child: Avacado?
Fantine: What is your favorite color?!
Small Child: MOO!
Javert: Why are you here in the mansion?!
Small Child: Monkey!
Fantine: What was your favorite Birthday present you got this year?!
Small Child: POTATOES!
Javert: Are you connected in any way with the being known as "The Author"?!
Small Child: Quidam!
Fantine: Does your mommy know where you are?
(Yay, Fantine stopped exclaiming!)
Small Child: SwatchitchaKABOONga!
Somewhere outside...in the snow...Brrr...
Enjolras: It's sure a long walk from Guam to Colorado! I bet a barricade couldn't even span that distance, even one made by the people.
Cosette: And all the swimming! My mascara is running and I'm all pruney!
Enjolras: I wonder if everybody's alright. I hope that THE AUTHOR hasn't done something to harm them. Well, maybe she could harm that spy, Javves or Joanne or whatever the hell he was called.
Cosette: Javert.
Enjolras: Whatever. I bet everyone will be happy to find us both alright. I know my men will. And when I arrive, we shall build a barricade to show our joy!
Cosette: I can't wait to see Marius! He must have been so worried!
Back inside the mansion...
Enjorlas: I hope the spy gets back with the food.
Gavroche: Maybe he's dead!
Cossette: You can't even trust a spy to steal something for himself!
Marius: Cossette, I love you!
Cossette: I love you too!
Valjean: Grr....
Marius: I would love you even if you were only a second version of the real Cosette who has been created due to a misspelling of your name by THE AUTHOR.
Back at THE AUTHOR'S office
AUTHOR: NO! HOW CAN THIS BE! WHAT AM I TO DO WITH TWO VERSIONS OF ENJOLRAS AND COSETTE! I SHALL NOW QUOTE A QUOTE THAT I BELIEVE DESCRIBES MY SITUATION PERFECTLY:
CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you believe this chapter is over already? Will the rest of the cast figure out which Enjolras is which? Will Marius end up loving Cossette more than Cosette? Will Enjolras meet Enjorlas and will Cossette meet Cosette? Shall THE AUTHOR scratch her butt, which itches terribly, or continue writing these questions? Who is the Small Child and why is she in the mansion? Could she be a Mary Sue? (NOOOOOO!!!!AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!) And finally, if the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything is Forty- Two, what is the Question?