CLASH of the CHARACTERZ

-the MEEP-

Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me. They all belong to Eoin Colfer, JRR Tolkein, Warner Bros., and various other people. Basically, I am the only one I own. =( But it's fun to manipulate them anyways.

ATTENTION EVERYONE!!! IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE, READ THIS! I think I fixed the problem with no lines. It was really hard to read otherwise. So, sorry everyone, it might be a little easier to read now. Man, that was embarrassing...

Chapter Three, the chapter of Icy Doom. (Y'hear that, Sara?! ICY doom!!!)

The RULES for this chapter:

1) No saying "bloody hell".

2) No saying "g**d***". "D***" is okay in some circumstances, but you can't say something like "D***, I was at that d*** chess match, and that d*** fairy beat me, d*** it!"

3) No friends of mine are allowed to be included anymore.

4) At a reviewers's request, Trinity is put back into the story. Yay!

5) WARNING: Due to language, I may have to rate this story PG-13 soon, but I sense my characters will not make that necessary... they can get outa control sometimes.

6) No Aragorn and Legolas.

On wit da story! (That phrase is copyright me. No one else is allowed to use it. And if they do, I'll come to their house and throttle them in their sleep!) Bwahaha.

*You may be expecting this chapter to start with Holly... well, it doesn't!!! It starts with Artemis.*

Artemis Fowl was sitting at a table eating breakfast and reading Advanced Chess for Advanced Players, wondering if he'd missed something that let Holly beat him. Of course, there was always the advantage of having a not-so-intelligent, but very innocent-looking, persocon stand behind your opponent and fire a cap gun in their ear, but there was also the advantage of Elven intelligence. Holly had about 65 years more experience than him, so that would explain a bit, but Elves were also way ahead of the Humans in most things... technology, um, well, lots of things... (Nari is at a loss for words. HELP!)...

He was so wrapped up in his thinking that he didn't notice Butler come up behind him and tap him on the shoulder.

*ye olde format switch*

Artemis: Dom! Wazzup homie?

Nari: *giggle*

Artemis: Authoress! Nari! You know I don't talk like that!

Nari: Who's the boss here, Arty?

Artemis: Well, Butler can take care of you, and I control Butler, so... me.

Nari: Wrong. I can do whatever I want to you and the other characters in my story. See, I can make Butler go clean the all the toilets in Fowl Manor...

Butler: *walks off to go find the Comet and Windex*

Artemis: HEY! GIMME BACK MY BODYGUARD!

Nari: I can make him EAT it if you don't shut up.

Artemis: *sigh* okay. So you're probably going to throw me in with a bunch of characters from other random places, and then make us do something embarrassing...

Nari: Pretty much... although I didn't control that chess match at all. You wetting your pants was your own fault.

Artemis: Wha... I... It... grrrrrr...

Nari: But, there's a reward for you.

Artemis: Ooh, good. What?

Nari: You get to choose the place the characters meet at. I'm thinking of organizing some sort of competition!

Artemis: Well, Madame Ko's was a disaster, and I don't want those wackos messing up my manor, so...

Nari: (interrupts) OH YEAH! Your Manor! Perfect place. I'll bring them in now! *conjures a vortex*

(A huge vortex appears in the middle of the living room. The characters to fly out of it this time are: Holly (of course), Trinity, Pippin, Misty, Bob, a fish, Yugi, and... NIGHTCRAWER!)

Artemis: BLOODY *sees Nari's look* ...erm, holy crap!

Holly: Where are we? *looks around* Nari, are you somehow determined to bring Artemis and me together or something?!

Nari: Yes, but not yet.

Yugi: Where are we, yo?

Nari: Fowl Manor... Mr. Fowl Junior. His High-n-Mighty Royalness Majesty don't want y'all scuffing up the $5,000 carpet, so wife your feet!

Bob: 0_o

Nightcrawler: *looks confused*

Trinity: *looks around, seemingly analyzing the walls and the weapons hanging on them*

Pippin: I'm huuuungryyyy...

Misty: *squeaks*

Fish: *jumps into Artemis's water-glass*

Nari: Okay, now this time, I want everyone to know each other! So, let's all stand in a circle and introduce ourselves! I'll start. I'm Nari, AKA Lenari, AKA the meep, and you can't see me because I'm just a disembodied voice controlling the story right now... you next, Holly! ^_^

Holly: Hi, I'm Captain Holly Short, and I have a blaster on my hip that can vaporize you in less than a second...

Trinity: I'm Trinity... Neo is MINE... I don't really know what I'm doing here, but I'm in the story, so... oh well!

Yugi: Hi, I'm Yugi...

Nari: ...and you're gender-neutral and have a bad haircut. NEXT!

Yugi: *pouts*

Pippin: I'm Peregrin--

Nari: Pippin!

Pippin: *sigh* Pippin Took, from the Shire... I like weed and food and horsies... and Merry is...

Nari: Whoops! Er, next please.

Misty: Hi, I'm Misty, I have a high voice, and I'm from Pokemon! I'm always hugging this little Pokemon in my arms... I think I might have strangled it at some point or another...

Bob: Hey people, I'm Bob the Stick Person, and there's more to my personality than I can tell you, so let's just say that I'm weird.

Fish: *blub*

Nightcrawler: Guten Tag! I am Kurt Wagner, AKA Nightcrawler, I have a way-too-heavy German accent, I can teleport to places with my specially unique sound effect...

Nari: 'BAMF' IS NOT A SOUND EFFECT!!! NOBODY CAN EVER SAY 'BAMF'!!!

Nightcrawler: They did it OK in the movie.

Nari: True, But you were ugly.

Nightcrawler: AM NOT! *sulks*

Nari: Now you, Arty.

Artemis: I'm Artemis, I own this house, and um, I'm a 14-year-old genius...

Nari: Great, now I'll call Butler back with our mission. BUTLER!

Butler: I'll be right there, as soon as I'm done with this toilet!

Nari: We need Juliet's message!

Butler: It's on the laptop!

Artemis: *grabs the laptop*

Nari: Now check your email.

Artemis: *checks his email* What's this? The Russian Mafiya again?! Oh, and... they've taken Juliet!

Holly: *shaking head* Ohhhhhh, no. No. Absolutely not. I got severe pneumonia after rescuing your father, Artemis, but hey, that was my duty. But your bodyguard's sister?! Next thing you know, I'll be rescuing your aunt's friend's accountant's cousin!

Artemis: Juliet... she was my friend...

Holly: I know you don't have many friends, Arty, but...

Artemis: I resent that.

Nari: Well, bundle up! You're all going to the Arctic!

Holly: NO! I--

*The vortex takes them at once to Northern Russia, in the middle of the snow. Yugi freezes to death.*

Holly: Quick everyone! *Passes around the rad gel*

Pippin: *eats the rad gel* *dies*

Holly: Nooooo! You stupid fool of a Took!

Fish: *freezes but miraculously does not die*

Misty: *turns blue and becomes enclosed in an ice crystal* I KNEW these shorts were too short...

Bob: 0_o *wonders why everyone is freezing*

Nightcrawler: *BAMFs back to Hawaii*

Trinity: Come on. Let's move. *points to a shelter up ahead*

Fish: *Flops to the shelter*

(They all arrive at the shelter, dragging Yugi and Misty.)

Trinity: Ahh, warmth. *Takes off her coat to reveal a shiney tight leather tank top and pants and really cool boots.*

Bob: O_O

Yugi: O_O

Pippin: O_O

Fish: O_O

Nightcrawler: O_O

Artemis: @_@

Holly: Oh, for... *slaps Artemis*

Artemis: 0_0 hhhhuuhhhhhh.....?

Holly: *extremely angry* NARI!!!!!!

Nari: Can I help you?

Holly: Break these perverted males out of their trance, NOW! The story is getting boring and your readers are evaporating!

Nari: *pouts* Fine.

Arty/Yugi/Pippin/Bob/Fish/Nightcrawler: Wha...?

Trinity: *puts her coat back on, glaring* Let's go.

(They find the place where Juliet is held captive. Apparently Juliet was behind a simple locked door, and they had to get through it.)

Holly: Any suggestions, anyone?

Yugi: *Shuffles through cards* I'm pretty sure I had a Door-Busting card in here somewhere...

Pippin: I'm hungry...

Bob: Umm... I dunno

Fish: Noooo idea.

Artemis: Give me 2 or 3 hours of meditation time and I'm sure I could come up with a formidable solution...

Trinity: *kicks the door. It falls* You people are so dumb...

Holly: And there she is! *points to Juliet, who is standing on a pile of out-cold guards.*

Juliet: It's about time! I was getting bored here.

Trinity: Oh, you think you're so great, do you?

Juliet: Yeah, I do. I could beat you in a fight, you know.

Trinity: Well, we'll see, but we'll have to wait for another chapter, because the author is cheap and wants to keep people reading her story.

Nari: HEY!

Holly: Well, it's true.

Nari: IS NOT! Holly, I'm taking away you pocky!

Holly: Be my guest, I don't like that stuff anyway.

Nari: And so the story ends. Just jump in the vortex and teleport back home, everyone! See ya!

*END OF CHAPTER 3*

-the meep-

NEXT: Juliet and trinity fight, Bob makes lemonade, the fish goes psycho, and they all watch Resident Evil and Matrix Revolutions.

See ya next time, readers!