WARNING: This section is VERY intense and contains strong and somewhat
disturbing sexual themes. It's always darkest before the dawn...
"You two are very quiet," Lals commented to the Doctor and Tegan. Rina nodded. The four of them were walking outside together, enjoying the fresh air and what remained of the sun.
"Yes, amazing, isn't it?" the Doctor replied remotely. He and Tegan were holding hands and he felt her give his a tight squeeze. She reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind his ear, and as she did, he caught a glimpse of her face, the haunted look in her eyes. Impulsively, he leaned down and brushed a kiss to her cheek. The gesture made her smile: wanly, but smile nonetheless. Anything was better than the turmoil that had marred both their features for the past few days.
The night of Halda's proclamation, they had lain in bed together, curled around each other. They hadn't taken a shower, hadn't eaten anything else, just lay side by side wrapped up in their thoughts. Tegan had eventually fallen asleep out of exhaustion, but he'd stayed awake. He could have induced sleep, but he didn't want to. Neither of them spoke a word all night. The next morning they'd come for Tegan, and when she returned she took one look at him and burst into tears. He'd held her, stroked her hair, wishing desperately he could take away this feeling for both of them. But he couldn't.
After two days of them repeating this pattern, Halda had come back and told them in no uncertain terms to stop their behavior. She had been informed that they were not eating, and it was obvious that they had not been mating.
"Why don't you try being forced to have sex to create a child you don't want to bring into the world and see how the hell you like it!" Tegan had screamed.
The Doctor had cringed, fearing that Tegan would get a good thrashing with a stun baton for this. But Halda merely shook her head. "This will not do. Things must change." And she'd left.
"Don't," Tegan had said fiercely. "Not a word, Doc, not a bloody word."
And he hadn't.
Rina's voice refocused their attention. "Things have been fine in the kitchens. But I do miss you being there. Nothing tastes quite the same when I prepare it."
"You're every bit as good of a cook as I am," the Doctor told her. "I doubt it's any great loss."
"How did you do it?"
Everyone turned and looked at Tegan. She was staring at Rina and Lals. "When this happened to you the first time. How did you stand it? How did you survive it?"
"Tegan," the Doctor whispered.
"I'm sorry, I don't have the right to pry, but I need help, I feel like I'm losing my mind..." her voice broke off and she stopped, sitting down on a bench and burying her face in her hands.
Rina sat down beside her. "Is she all right?" A guard's voice called out.
"She's fine," Rina replied loudly. The guard shrugged and turned his attention elsewhere. She wrapped her arms around Tegan and rocked her. "I know," she soothed as Tegan began to cry. "I know."
"It's been hell," Tegan gasped between sobs. "The Doctor blames himself, but I don't, it's not his fault, but it's hurting us both and I don't know how to make it stop..."
As Tegan poured her feelings out, the Doctor and Lals stood nearby: the Doctor looked anguished and embarrassed, while Lals looked sad and sympathetic.
Rina looked up at the Doctor. "Are they drugging you?"
He winced as though the question physically wounded him. He bit his bottom lip and his eyes closed. Rina saw that he was shaking. A single tear slipped down his pale face as he gave an almost inaudible reply: "it started two days ago..."
Tegan nodded, not trusting her voice, remembering what she almost wished she could forget.
Morning, two days earlier
Their solitude was disturbed by the arrival of Halda and guards. As their food was put on the table, guards yanked the Doctor and Tegan off the bed.
"Bloody hell, that's enough!" Tegan snarled, stumbling as she stood.
"You will both sit here and eat," Halda said. "Now."
"What if we don't want to?" The Doctor snapped.
"Do you need me to answer that?"
"Fine," he retorted. "If you want to resort to violence, we'll eat."
He sat down, and after a few seconds, Tegan did the same. He ate fast, faster than she'd ever seen him eat, and she tried to follow suit. When they were done, the Doctor glared at Halda. "Satisfied?"
"You will shower after we leave."
"Fine again," he said. "Just leave us alone."
"I will," she said with a smile, but it was a smile that made Tegan's skin crawl. True to her word, their captors departed. Tegan sighed. "What was all that about?"
"I don't know," the Doctor answered with a sigh of his own. " Aside from not letting us starve ourselves, maybe she thinks that if we re-establish a routine we'll go back to the way we were before."
"About that," Tegan began, but stopped when he shook his head.
"Let's take that shower first, shall we? Maybe she can smell us through the door."
Tegan managed a laugh as they went to the bath.
The Doctor was in the middle of washing Tegan's legs when it happened.
At first it was a vague twinge, a slight feeling of being flushed. He shrugged it off: he'd had a similar feeling before from taking a very warm shower. But as he finished with Tegan and she was rinsing, it began to change. The flush grew stronger, racing through every nerve in his body until it pooled in his groin. He moaned softly.
"Doctor?"
He barely heard her, sinking to his knees as the fire began to consume him, the heat spiraling until he was shaking from it.
Tegan turned off the water and reached out to touch his shoulder. He started violently, jumping out of the shower as if she'd hurt him.
She looked at him, eyes wide in bewilderment, then fear.
"Oh, Gods, Doc, what did they do to you?" she whispered.
"Drugs," he answered, grimacing. "They must have drugged my food, some sort of aphrodisiac..." his voice broke off as a spasm claimed him.
Tegan shook her head, desperately wanting to deny it, but the proof was all too visible.
"Get away from me, Tegan," he ordered. "If you aren't in my physical presence, I might be able to control it." His breathing grew harsher with every word and she could only imagine how much effort it was taking him to control his voice.
She nodded numbly, grabbing a towel and moving swiftly past him into the other room.
She huddled on the bed, the tense silence broken by occasional moans from the Doctor as he struggled to overcome the drugs. The moaning became more frequent, more desperate, and Tegan's stomach clenched even as her heart cried out in anger and sympathy. It didn't sound to her like he was going to be all right. And if he couldn't control himself...
"No," she whispered, the anger overriding her fear. "I'll not have it."
She got up and walked quietly to the bathroom.
The Doctor was lying in the shower, curled up into the fetal position, eyes shut, hands clenched. His eyes flew open as she stood in the doorway. "I told you to stay away from me, Tegan—" his words were cut short by a soft whimper of pain.
"It's no good, Doc," she said gently, holding the doorframe so he wouldn't know her hands were shaking. "You're just getting worse."
"I can control it," he hissed.
"Right now, maybe. But for how long? And what about when you can't?"
"That will not happen!" he cried.
"You don't know that! Look at you! How long do you think you can keep doing this?"
"As long as it takes," he answered.
She watched as another spasm took him, saw the line of his jaw as he clenched his teeth. "Get away," he snarled.
"No. You can't keep fighting it like this, and you know that as well as I do." She walked over to him, knelt down beside him. She touched his cheek. "Let me help."
He grabbed her wrist, holding it with frightening force. She saw the wild look in his eyes as he glared at her, watched as his expression changed into one of helpless desire. She shivered in spite of the heat, his hunger so obvious it was almost tangible.
"Go," he said.
"No."
"Tegan! For once in your life would you do as I ask!" he was nearly shouting at her now.
"Not this time I bloody well won't!" she retorted.
"I mean it, Tegan." His hand released her wrist and slid up her arm before he snatched it away. "I mean this more than anything I've ever said to you in my life. If you don't get away from me, I will lose control and I will take you."
"That's going to happen anyway, Doc, whether I leave this room or not."
He started to protest, but she shook her head. "You know I'm right. Even if you do control yourself this time, all that means is they'll increase the drugs. And if you still resist, Halda will add threats until we do what she wants. She knew you wouldn't want to do this on your own, or maybe wouldn't even be able to: that's why she's gone and done this. And I for one would rather let it happen now."
"Tegan—" he gasped her name as she moved closer to him, his expression going from dismay to arousal to helpless resignation. Instead of pushing her away from him, he pulled her closer and buried his face against her neck.
A kind of hazy fog settled over her, leaving her languid. She felt the Doctor carrying her to the bed, felt something settle in her mind, clouding...
"Don't," she ordered as she realized what he was doing. "Don't muck about in my mind and try to make me forget this or gloss it over. I don't want that."
The sensation hesitated, then faded away.
When it was done, they held each other as he wept, Tegan shushing him as he told her over and over again how sorry he was. "It's not your fault," she whispered fiercely, fighting her own tears. "It's not your fault."
* * * *
Lals sighed at the Doctor's words. "They did the same thing to me," he admitted. "I imagine it's done quite often."
"Heinous," the Doctor said as he looked down, his face crimson with shame.
Tegan had stopped crying and raised her head. "He's blaming himself, and probably thinks I blame him as well."
"Don't you? Shouldn't you?" he asked. "I should be able to stop it!"
"Don't you think every other couple that's gone through this has had those thoughts?" Rina asked. " But this isn't of your design. And there is no failing on your part, Doctor, for this."
He didn't reply. "You're very stubborn," Rina said, "I know that from working with you. But what you're doing isn't logical, and it isn't fair either to you or to Tegan. If you want to get through this, stop blaming yourself for something you can't control. Until you do that, you can't help either one of you."
She stood up, patted Tegan on the arm, and went to her husband's side. "Lals and I are going to keep walking," she said. "Why don't the two of you talk."
The Doctor sat down next to Tegan. They looked at each other.
"She's right, you know."
"I have told her she is wise on more than one occasion," the Doctor said.
"I don't blame you, Doctor. You have to believe that."
He sighed. " I do. And I know I shouldn't blame myself. I just..."
"You've gotten too accustomed to being in control of everything, of fixing everything. Now you can't, and it's knocked you for a loop. Getting back up is up to you."
"I'm beginning to understand that."
"About bloody time," Tegan smiled.
"You two are very quiet," Lals commented to the Doctor and Tegan. Rina nodded. The four of them were walking outside together, enjoying the fresh air and what remained of the sun.
"Yes, amazing, isn't it?" the Doctor replied remotely. He and Tegan were holding hands and he felt her give his a tight squeeze. She reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind his ear, and as she did, he caught a glimpse of her face, the haunted look in her eyes. Impulsively, he leaned down and brushed a kiss to her cheek. The gesture made her smile: wanly, but smile nonetheless. Anything was better than the turmoil that had marred both their features for the past few days.
The night of Halda's proclamation, they had lain in bed together, curled around each other. They hadn't taken a shower, hadn't eaten anything else, just lay side by side wrapped up in their thoughts. Tegan had eventually fallen asleep out of exhaustion, but he'd stayed awake. He could have induced sleep, but he didn't want to. Neither of them spoke a word all night. The next morning they'd come for Tegan, and when she returned she took one look at him and burst into tears. He'd held her, stroked her hair, wishing desperately he could take away this feeling for both of them. But he couldn't.
After two days of them repeating this pattern, Halda had come back and told them in no uncertain terms to stop their behavior. She had been informed that they were not eating, and it was obvious that they had not been mating.
"Why don't you try being forced to have sex to create a child you don't want to bring into the world and see how the hell you like it!" Tegan had screamed.
The Doctor had cringed, fearing that Tegan would get a good thrashing with a stun baton for this. But Halda merely shook her head. "This will not do. Things must change." And she'd left.
"Don't," Tegan had said fiercely. "Not a word, Doc, not a bloody word."
And he hadn't.
Rina's voice refocused their attention. "Things have been fine in the kitchens. But I do miss you being there. Nothing tastes quite the same when I prepare it."
"You're every bit as good of a cook as I am," the Doctor told her. "I doubt it's any great loss."
"How did you do it?"
Everyone turned and looked at Tegan. She was staring at Rina and Lals. "When this happened to you the first time. How did you stand it? How did you survive it?"
"Tegan," the Doctor whispered.
"I'm sorry, I don't have the right to pry, but I need help, I feel like I'm losing my mind..." her voice broke off and she stopped, sitting down on a bench and burying her face in her hands.
Rina sat down beside her. "Is she all right?" A guard's voice called out.
"She's fine," Rina replied loudly. The guard shrugged and turned his attention elsewhere. She wrapped her arms around Tegan and rocked her. "I know," she soothed as Tegan began to cry. "I know."
"It's been hell," Tegan gasped between sobs. "The Doctor blames himself, but I don't, it's not his fault, but it's hurting us both and I don't know how to make it stop..."
As Tegan poured her feelings out, the Doctor and Lals stood nearby: the Doctor looked anguished and embarrassed, while Lals looked sad and sympathetic.
Rina looked up at the Doctor. "Are they drugging you?"
He winced as though the question physically wounded him. He bit his bottom lip and his eyes closed. Rina saw that he was shaking. A single tear slipped down his pale face as he gave an almost inaudible reply: "it started two days ago..."
Tegan nodded, not trusting her voice, remembering what she almost wished she could forget.
Morning, two days earlier
Their solitude was disturbed by the arrival of Halda and guards. As their food was put on the table, guards yanked the Doctor and Tegan off the bed.
"Bloody hell, that's enough!" Tegan snarled, stumbling as she stood.
"You will both sit here and eat," Halda said. "Now."
"What if we don't want to?" The Doctor snapped.
"Do you need me to answer that?"
"Fine," he retorted. "If you want to resort to violence, we'll eat."
He sat down, and after a few seconds, Tegan did the same. He ate fast, faster than she'd ever seen him eat, and she tried to follow suit. When they were done, the Doctor glared at Halda. "Satisfied?"
"You will shower after we leave."
"Fine again," he said. "Just leave us alone."
"I will," she said with a smile, but it was a smile that made Tegan's skin crawl. True to her word, their captors departed. Tegan sighed. "What was all that about?"
"I don't know," the Doctor answered with a sigh of his own. " Aside from not letting us starve ourselves, maybe she thinks that if we re-establish a routine we'll go back to the way we were before."
"About that," Tegan began, but stopped when he shook his head.
"Let's take that shower first, shall we? Maybe she can smell us through the door."
Tegan managed a laugh as they went to the bath.
The Doctor was in the middle of washing Tegan's legs when it happened.
At first it was a vague twinge, a slight feeling of being flushed. He shrugged it off: he'd had a similar feeling before from taking a very warm shower. But as he finished with Tegan and she was rinsing, it began to change. The flush grew stronger, racing through every nerve in his body until it pooled in his groin. He moaned softly.
"Doctor?"
He barely heard her, sinking to his knees as the fire began to consume him, the heat spiraling until he was shaking from it.
Tegan turned off the water and reached out to touch his shoulder. He started violently, jumping out of the shower as if she'd hurt him.
She looked at him, eyes wide in bewilderment, then fear.
"Oh, Gods, Doc, what did they do to you?" she whispered.
"Drugs," he answered, grimacing. "They must have drugged my food, some sort of aphrodisiac..." his voice broke off as a spasm claimed him.
Tegan shook her head, desperately wanting to deny it, but the proof was all too visible.
"Get away from me, Tegan," he ordered. "If you aren't in my physical presence, I might be able to control it." His breathing grew harsher with every word and she could only imagine how much effort it was taking him to control his voice.
She nodded numbly, grabbing a towel and moving swiftly past him into the other room.
She huddled on the bed, the tense silence broken by occasional moans from the Doctor as he struggled to overcome the drugs. The moaning became more frequent, more desperate, and Tegan's stomach clenched even as her heart cried out in anger and sympathy. It didn't sound to her like he was going to be all right. And if he couldn't control himself...
"No," she whispered, the anger overriding her fear. "I'll not have it."
She got up and walked quietly to the bathroom.
The Doctor was lying in the shower, curled up into the fetal position, eyes shut, hands clenched. His eyes flew open as she stood in the doorway. "I told you to stay away from me, Tegan—" his words were cut short by a soft whimper of pain.
"It's no good, Doc," she said gently, holding the doorframe so he wouldn't know her hands were shaking. "You're just getting worse."
"I can control it," he hissed.
"Right now, maybe. But for how long? And what about when you can't?"
"That will not happen!" he cried.
"You don't know that! Look at you! How long do you think you can keep doing this?"
"As long as it takes," he answered.
She watched as another spasm took him, saw the line of his jaw as he clenched his teeth. "Get away," he snarled.
"No. You can't keep fighting it like this, and you know that as well as I do." She walked over to him, knelt down beside him. She touched his cheek. "Let me help."
He grabbed her wrist, holding it with frightening force. She saw the wild look in his eyes as he glared at her, watched as his expression changed into one of helpless desire. She shivered in spite of the heat, his hunger so obvious it was almost tangible.
"Go," he said.
"No."
"Tegan! For once in your life would you do as I ask!" he was nearly shouting at her now.
"Not this time I bloody well won't!" she retorted.
"I mean it, Tegan." His hand released her wrist and slid up her arm before he snatched it away. "I mean this more than anything I've ever said to you in my life. If you don't get away from me, I will lose control and I will take you."
"That's going to happen anyway, Doc, whether I leave this room or not."
He started to protest, but she shook her head. "You know I'm right. Even if you do control yourself this time, all that means is they'll increase the drugs. And if you still resist, Halda will add threats until we do what she wants. She knew you wouldn't want to do this on your own, or maybe wouldn't even be able to: that's why she's gone and done this. And I for one would rather let it happen now."
"Tegan—" he gasped her name as she moved closer to him, his expression going from dismay to arousal to helpless resignation. Instead of pushing her away from him, he pulled her closer and buried his face against her neck.
A kind of hazy fog settled over her, leaving her languid. She felt the Doctor carrying her to the bed, felt something settle in her mind, clouding...
"Don't," she ordered as she realized what he was doing. "Don't muck about in my mind and try to make me forget this or gloss it over. I don't want that."
The sensation hesitated, then faded away.
When it was done, they held each other as he wept, Tegan shushing him as he told her over and over again how sorry he was. "It's not your fault," she whispered fiercely, fighting her own tears. "It's not your fault."
* * * *
Lals sighed at the Doctor's words. "They did the same thing to me," he admitted. "I imagine it's done quite often."
"Heinous," the Doctor said as he looked down, his face crimson with shame.
Tegan had stopped crying and raised her head. "He's blaming himself, and probably thinks I blame him as well."
"Don't you? Shouldn't you?" he asked. "I should be able to stop it!"
"Don't you think every other couple that's gone through this has had those thoughts?" Rina asked. " But this isn't of your design. And there is no failing on your part, Doctor, for this."
He didn't reply. "You're very stubborn," Rina said, "I know that from working with you. But what you're doing isn't logical, and it isn't fair either to you or to Tegan. If you want to get through this, stop blaming yourself for something you can't control. Until you do that, you can't help either one of you."
She stood up, patted Tegan on the arm, and went to her husband's side. "Lals and I are going to keep walking," she said. "Why don't the two of you talk."
The Doctor sat down next to Tegan. They looked at each other.
"She's right, you know."
"I have told her she is wise on more than one occasion," the Doctor said.
"I don't blame you, Doctor. You have to believe that."
He sighed. " I do. And I know I shouldn't blame myself. I just..."
"You've gotten too accustomed to being in control of everything, of fixing everything. Now you can't, and it's knocked you for a loop. Getting back up is up to you."
"I'm beginning to understand that."
"About bloody time," Tegan smiled.