.Hack//GIFT RETURN
Disclaimer: I do not own .Hack (whether it is manga, game, or animes) or the notoriously funny .Hack//GIFT. Sadly, these are all Bandai-owned.
Now shut up and enjoy my little 'GIFT' fanfic series!
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[GIFT Bursting Passed Over Aqua Field; the area all around the party of Kite, Mistral, and Sanjuro happens to be covered in nothing but, well, waist-high Ocean]
Mistral: I know that a part of this field is called 'Aqua Field', but this is ridiculous! =P
Kite: Add to the fact that the monsters are DESTROYING US!
Sanjuro: Hai. But I also thought that every server's Bursting Passed Over Aqua Field was the lowest level; this area was Level 120!
Kite: That, and the fact that even with a Fairy's Orb, we can't see the magic portals!
[BATTLE ON! A Raper Shark Man {A shark-man} (2199 HP; Water-element; Fire Resistant) pops out of the water]
Kite: IIE! NOT ANOTHER ONE!
Sanjuro: And the sad thing, I have to say, is that this is probably a small-class enemy.
Mistral [scared, shaking like a scared onna (wife) no pun intended]: Meaning?
Sanjuro: There are a lot bigger yaro (bastards) down there.
[The Raper Shark Man starts casting OrRue Rom, trying to suffocate the three of them in an aquatic typhoon, the water damage removing about 900 HP in total.]
Kite [slashing the creature]: This is hard! With a Fire Resistance, my Prepare To Die is useless! [Switches to Sin Of Hades] EVIL TWIN!
Sanjuro [slashing the creature as well]: And I can't use Karin or Garekka! [Uses one of his skills] UNYO NO TACHI!
Mistral: And I'll do the healing! PHAL REPTH!
[After a good minute or two of this strategy... the Raper Shark Man dies, giving the three of them 1000 EXP, meaning immediate level ups; BATTLE OFF]
Sanjuro: I think we're near the dungeon...
Mistral: My SP's drained...
Kite: Don't worry, I'll heal then. PHAL REPTH!
[After walking for a little bit, they happen upon... what looks like the open entrance to a dungeon]
Sanjuro: I think we're gonna have to go underwater. How will that work?
--
[In the GIFT Server Bandai Sowa, a female Heavy Blade and her little Wavemaster brother have just gated into the town]
Kazu [cupping hands to his mouth]: Hello? Is anyone here?
BlackRose: I'm betting everyone went to check out a field or two in this place. So really, we have this whole server to ourselves.
Kazu: I don't know about this, Onei-chan. It feels like an unsettling presence is here.
BlackRose [boasting, which she often does]: Don't worry, Kazu. With your big sister, one of the legendary '.Hackers' around, nothing should worry you!
Kazu [inspired]: WOW, YOU'RE SO COOL, ONEI-CHAN!
[A weakened Nega Swallower {A sasquatch-looking creature} (30/5679 HP; Thunder-element; Dark Resistant) appears in front of them]
BlackRose [scared like a sissy girl]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!! [Randomly swings her sword around] GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY! WHERE DID IT COME FROM!?
Kazu: RUE ROM!
[The weak water spell manages to finish off the last remaining HPs of the monster; they both got 1300 EXP, gaining level ups in the process]
BlackRose [a little edgy]: Why… did a monster appear in the Server Town!?
[The party of Piros, Nuke, and Moonstone appears in front of them]
Moonstone: Are you okay?
Piros: You must be wondering why the monster attacked you two! Well you see, one of the catches about the Gift Server is that if you Gate Out of the field--
Nuke Usagimaru [interrupting for a brief second]: Which, might I add, we went to the Level 145 field 'GIFT Floating Orange Remnant'.
Moonstone: Plain field. No element.
Piros [vein in his Piros-haircut]: GUYS, SHUT UP! Anyway, if a monster is chasing you when you gate out, it'll follow you into town! Keep this information strong and true, young eyes!
Moonstone: … Who did you refer that to?
Nuke Usagimaru: OOH! OOH! I got a good joke that'll lighten the mood!
Piros: Do tell, he of pink spikes!
Kazu: His hair's really not that pink.
Nuke Usagimaru: What do Viagra and a Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner have in common? [No one asks] They both give you an upright, in the palm of your hand! [Nuke starts laughing uncontrollably] ROTFLMAO!!
Moonstone [starts giggling slightly]: Hehe, I just got it.
[Two minutes later, Nuke is seen soaring at great velocities into the sky]
Nuke Usagimaru [screaming]: OKAY, I NEED TO WORK ON MY SHTICK! HOMMINA HOMMINA HOMMINA!! [Ding]
[BlackRose smiles as she used her Forsaken Light to club Nuke into the digital stratosphere]
Moonstone: Hey kid, what happen do you have?
Kazu [examines his own weapon]: It's a Dark History.
Moonstone [looks at the boy]: And you're only Level 31? You're gonna need a strong party if you WANT to live. Here. [Gives the boy an item]
Kazu: Whoa! Are you sure I can have? Arigatou!
[Kazu receives Nautilus Staff]
BlackRose: So how powerful are these monsters?
Piros: They were giving us Level 99 guys a hard time! Even though every fight increased our levels by 1! We're 110 now, and I'm still scared to go in without a total of three people in my party!
Moonstone: Oh! Aquamarine's on! See you next time, Piros. [He removes himself from Piros's party and heads to the Chaos Gate]
--
[In Theta Server Root Town Dun Loireag; Tsukasa and Mimiru walk towards the Grunty Ranch]
Tsukasa [uneasiness]: Wait... why are we here, Mimiru? You know how I feel about Grunties ever since [darker tone than usual] the incident...
Mimiru: C'mon Tsu-chan! [pokes him] This time, you can raise your own! Raising a Grunty might just build up your attitude in this life!
Tsukasa: I don't want to...
Mimiru: DAMMIT, TSUKASA! You're gonna do this, otherwise I'm gonna find out where you live, and kick your ass! [stops Tsukasa from speaking] And don't give me that 'I can't log out' crap, because I know now that you can!
Tsukasa [defeated]: Fine, you crazy bitch! I'll make my own damn Grunty!
Mimiru: That's better!
[Tsukasa approaches the Baby Grunty]
Baby Grunty [looks at Tsukasa; scans the Wavemaster thoroughly]: Mommy, I'm hungry, oink!
Mimiru [squatting]: Aww, isn't that adorable? It thinks you're a girl, Tsukasa.
Tsukasa: I am a girl.
Mimiru [surprised]: WHAT!? You never told me that! [giddy] Now we can talk about girl stuff and hang at the mall!
Tsukasa [being her usual 'bitch' self]: I don't wanna hang at the mall.
Baby Grunty: I'm hungry, oink!
Tsukasa [emotionless; pulls out 19 Cordyceps]: Here you go, little guy.
Cordycep #5: No!
Cordycep #9: NOOOO!!
Cordycep #17: By Morganna, no!
[The Baby Grunty eats said 19 Cordyceps, and after it eats them all (bloody screams and all) it becomes a Kid Grunty]
Mimiru [disgusted]: I wish they didn't scream...
--
[Kite, Sanjuro, and Mistral are now traversing the underwater dungeon]
Kite: Wow, I'm surprised we can talk underwater.
Sanjuro: Yeah.
Mistral: C'mon guys! We gotta keep going! Hold on while I cast a little support magic! AP RUEM!
[Their water resistances have just been upped!]
Sanjuro: That's f***ing cool! Oops! I just forgot that one of us is under 18...
Kite: Meh, I heard worse cursing from BlackRose.
[Remembers...]
BlackRose [swearing up a storm]: YOU MOTHER-F***ING SON OF A BITCH! I'M GOING TO CUT YOUR **** AND F***ING DEVOUR THEM WHOLE AS I MAKE YOU EAT YOUR S*** AND F***ING MAKE YOU SUFFER!!
Kite: Um, BlackRose, it's just a Spark Maiden...
[Logs back]
Kite: I saw her verbally kill that monster... I don't even think that's possible.
Sanjuro: Shall we just keep going? All this water is really making me gotta go to the john.
Mistral: Yeah, me too.
[They then advance onward, and... we'll come back to them later]
--
[Marlo, Rachel, and Wiseman immediately come back from their trip to 'GIFT Hidden Forbidden Holy Ground', their clothes/armor all ripped up, and body areas bleeding]
Marlo [heavy breathing and wheezing]: Well, that was stupid of us to do.
Rachel: Yeah... *wheeze* that was, like, dumb.
Wiseman: I think I have blood in my stool... I guess we deserved to get our asses trounced in a Level 194 area...
Marlo: This can't get any worse, now can it?
[A Beheviathan {a large sea serpent} (9188/9188HP; Water-element; Physical resistance) teleports right behind them]
Rachel [aggravated]: You had to f***ing say something, didn't ya Marlo?
Wiseman [knowing that he's going to die]: There are people who will avenge us...
[The three of them are gone and the Beheviathan disappears as well. And where are said people? THEY'RE ALL NAKED AT THE TWILIGHT HOT SPRINGS!]
Piros [turns out that without all that pretty bulky armor, he's a skinny little man]: Ah... These hot springs are just what the Net Doctor prescribed.
BlackRose [covering]: I wish they had put up a divider so that the males and females could be separate… but yeah, this is pretty good.
Balmung [gating in, naked, into the Hot Spring alongside Orca]: I don't know… I like bathing with both genders in the same place. Shows they have no childish fears. [Looks at Orca] Are you okay?
Orca [face of anguish]: I think I gated in on a pointy rock, and it does NOT feel good!
Piros: Hey BlackRose, where's your little brother?
[Said Wavemaster pops out of the water]
Kazu [disappointed]: There are no other females to look at in this place…
BlackRose [suddenly angry]: SO YOU WERE PEEPING AT ME, YOU SICK LITTLE BASTARD!?
[The angered Heavy Blade suddenly tackles the Wavemaster into the water; lots of bubbles are rising to the surface]
Piros: I only wish I still had a sibling to do that!
[Nuke Usagimaru finally finishes falling, and lands right in the Hot Springs… naked]
Nuke Usagimaru [hair soaked down to his face]: Hi there.
Piros: How wondrous of you to join us, he of pink spikes! Would you like a towel?
Nuke Usagimaru: Yeah sure! All that arctic air ripped my clothes up and chilled me!
Balmung [confused; making a conscious effort to keep his wings above water]: I don't get it. You're still here.
Nuke Usagimaru: HAHA! You're so dumb, Balmy! You confused 'chilled' with 'killed'!
Balmung [hiding the fact that Nuke was right]: Um, impossible! How dare you insult Balmung of the Azure Sky!
Orca [still in pain]: I'm gonna go to the sauna now… [Gets up out of the water; holds his tushie as he dashes to the digital sauna]
Piros: Wait… my dear friend Nuke; didn't you have a weapon with you?
Nuke Usagimaru: Hey! Where is my Ultimate Spear!?
[Nuke, Balmung, and Piros look up to see the falling Ultimate Spear dive (blade first, mind you) into the water; Luckily, Nuke and Piros move out of the way in the nick of time… but the feverish bubbles stopped coming up and a pair of '9999' damage markers appear; the bodies of the two siblings rise up, face down in the water, before disappearing, and confirming 'Game Over' for those two]
Nuke Usagimaru [dread]: Oh, they're gonna kill me, aren't they?
Balmung: Yes.
Piros: So I suggest you run! [Spies the newly-respawned characters glaring at Nuke; Nuke starts am-scraying] RUN LIKE THE WIND, HE OF PINK SPIKES!
[Marlo, Wiseman, and Rachel gate in to the Springs]
Marlo [eying the semi-blood-tainted water]: Alright! It's like someone stabbed Mr. Bubbles!! [Splashes Rachel] Heads up!
Rachel: AUGH! F*** OFF, MARLO!
Wiseman: Ooh… this is nice… [Pain-filled face] I gated in on a pointy rock, didn't I?
Balmung: Welcome to Orca's world.
--
[Back to Mimiru and Tsukasa; the Grunty is now about to become an adult]
Grunty the Kid: Mother, I'm hungry.
Tsukasa: Well, whaddaya want?
Grunty the Kid: I wanna eat Immature Eggs! They grow in all sorts of dungeons!
Mimiru: Well, now what do you want to do?
[Tsukasa reaches her hand down to her robes and pulls out an Immature Egg]
Tsukasa [VERY weak smile]: Here you go, little guy.
[The Grunty wolfs down the Egg; It is transforming into an adult!]
Grunty: RIBBIT!
[It has become a Poison Grunty]
Poison Grunty: Mistress, I want to thank you for making me an adult. Why doesn't anyone like me? Why am I alone?
Tsukasa [eyes start to tear up]: I CAN RELATE TO YOU! [Hugs the Grunty]
Poison Grunty: Someone likes me, Mistress?
Tsukasa [voice barely audible because of babbling and abused female/male Wavemaster]: Mimiru likes you, Grunty! I like you, Grunty! I FEEL YOUR PAIN! [Continues to cry]
Mimiru: Hey, calm down Tsukasa. [Thinking of something] Do you wanna come over to my house tonight?
Tsukasa: Okay… [Looks at the Grunty] I'll see you tomorrow Grunty.
Poison Grunty: Goodbye, Mistress.
[Tsukasa and Mimiru log out; in the distance]
Elk [near tears himself]: That was so beautiful Mia!
Mia: It was…
Elk: But anyway, why don't we go hunting for some Aromatic Grass?
Mia: I don't know anymore… Ever since I found out I was the sixth Phase of the Wave and a glitch in the system, I lost my interest in the Aromatic Grass, Elk.
Elk: Aww, that means I'll have to tell my Aromatic Grass Association that today won't do then.
Mia: You have an Aromatic Grass Club? [Walks closer to Elk; sultry cat-like voice] That's so mature of you. You've really grown up.
[Without Elk even reacting, Mia pounces on him, and… well… I think you know what happens here]
--
[Back to the Chaos Gate of Bandai Sowa; Kite, Mistral, and Sanjuro finally gate out of the dungeon; like the others (Except for Gardenia, Natsume, and Ryoko; they got killed), their clothes are all torn up and the like]
Sanjuro: Wow… that was some ride.
Mistral: You're telling me!
Kite: I'm hurt all over… [Falls on his ass]
Sanjuro: Well, I'm off for today. Then tomorrow, I'm heading for the hot springs! [Logs out]
Kite: Well, everything is fine, right Mistral-chan? [Looks at the Wavemaster, her clothes almost revealing her, um, *finer* parts] Mistral?
--
Well, see ya around next time!