Disclaimer: I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, or Jack- although I am renting him at the moment, and that's almost as good. Don't sue me, you won't get anything out of it. Now before you read this, get some sad music playing, and the tissues at the ready. And with that, enjoy!
Why Pirates Don't Shed Tears
Once ye've spent some time round me, I'm sure the firs' thing ye think is somethin' around the lines of "He's one resilient guy. It's like he can bounce back from anything. I doubt he's ever really cried in all his life." Well, ye're wrong. I mean, sure, I cried when I was a babe, and maybe once as a wee lad, but those're giv'n. The "cried" there implies sheddin' tears at a much old'r age. And ye'd still be wrong. Aye, I've cried. Can see I'm confusin' ye. So perhaps I should explain. An' listen caref'lly, cuz I'm not repeatin' meself. These are the darker tales o' a pirate not shared e'en in the most und'rstandin' pubs, between the closest mates. This is the dark stuff that comes back teh haunt a man later, so best list'n closely; why pirates don' shed tears.
I'll start off wit' the ole reason of me story. This may surprise ye too, but I was married once. Or rather, I dedicated meself to one lady an' one lady only. Neither o' us really wanted a big cer'mony er nuttin. We just began sharin' our lives one day. She was the most beaut'ful lady I e'er laid these eyes on. She ad long auburn hair that shone like the sea a' sunset, and eyes bluer than a clear summer sky. She was smart too. She made an' mend'd sails in er shop at Tortuga. Met er while fixin' the sail o' me Pearl; which was one reason I ate Barbosa fer stealin me ship- e let the sails rot righ' off the yards. Long story short, we it it off real well, I put the whor- er, workin' women- on hiatus indef'nately, an' made meself a appy usband. Couldn't be any appier, right? Well, I thought so too. An' then me daughter came about. She ad warm brown hair, azel eyes, a voice to melt the earts of the most battle-ardened pirates- I think I saw Hector, er Barbosa, smile when e met er. These times lasted fer about three years, actu'lly. Sure, I'd sail off on voyages that sep'rated us fer a few months at a time, but she'd always be there waitin' fer me when I got back.
Well, one o' those voyages threw me in with a rather unfriendly crowd o' pirates that didn' really take a likin' teh me- which, admitt'dly, caught me off-guard. We got in a little skirmish, an', well, the Black Pearl is a much better combat ship. We blew em from the water an' marooned the survivors. That should'a been it, right? It wasn't. I guess they itched a ride wit' some merch'nt ship er somethin'. But I didn't know that then. I shouldn' ave returned teh Tortuga, cuz appar'ntly that's what they were waitin' fer.
I ad sent the crew out teh spend their earnin's owever they pleased- and aye, they be the same bunch o' back-stabbers that marooned me later. Now three years ago, I would'a joined em. But me wife an' daughter were waitin'. So I headed o'er teh the shop.
They were waitin'. B'fore I knew it, I was tied an' on me knees at the feet o' the bastards. First they beat me teh a bloody pulp, an' then then they revealed that they ad another act to reveal. They raped me wife right in front o' me while they demonstrat'd ow easy it was to break a child's arms an' legs Fer possibly the first time in me life, I could just lie there and scream me voice oarce- and, aye, I cried. I cried until it urt. Don' know ow long that went on- every minute dragged on into eternity. But these men ad no mercy- they cut me wife's throat after they were done wit' er, and let er suffer til she died. Me daughter was thrown into the shop, barricaded inside, and then they burned it. Still remember er screams An' then they just left. It started teh rain a while later, an' about an our later, Anamaria found me. That was the last I remembered.
Anamaria stayed by me fer a alf a month, nursin' me back teh ealth. I sealed meself up an' didn't talk, eat, I didn't e'en want teh breathe. But Anamaria proved er worth by pullin' me through it. That's probably why she puts up wit' me. She knows what I went through- I didn't tell anyone else. Then again, that's probably why she slaps me twice and twice as ard, too. I finally got back out onto the streets o' Tortuga, but it wasn't the same. Drunk wasn' as good, an' well me first-mate wouldn' live up teh is rep'tation. Poor Scarlet But then I got onto me Pearl, an' I just knew they'd be there- watchin' o'er me. An Jack was back.
So that's me story. That's why cryin' don' seem like somethin' I'd do- because I've already cried enough fer this lifetime, an' they wouldn'a wanted me to (it also explains me most recent women probl'ms). We all cried- when depends on the pirate. But we all realiz'd at one point er another, via a little lesson from our carin' mother, the ocean, that ev'rythin'll turn out right. Now, if ye'll excuse me, I've got a horizon teh chase.