II: Dr. No
"This has got to be the worst spy equipment ever. 'C' sucks." Our hero, 003 secret agent Gallows Carradine mumbled as he lugged a briefcase with him to the riverboat docks. Upon finding several women type there, Gallows reminded himself to be "cool and suave" as his predecessor, the famous 002, had done in times gone by.
"Excuse me sir!" A man dressed completely in black from head to toe ran up to Gallows.
"You trying to steal my style?" Gallows asked, indicating the black.
"No! The difference is that I make this look good. The name is Boomerang." The man with the motorcycle helmet extended his hand. "And this is my dog, Lucied."
Gallows looked down the man's leather clothing to see a small dog resembling a German shepherd excitedly wagging its tail. "Uh huh… What can I do for you Mr. Boomerang?" Cool and suave…
"First, are you secret agent Gallows Carradine, sent by ARMS to destroy P.R.O.P.H.E.T?" The tall man in black asked.
"Yea, that's me! …wait! Oops…" Gallows slapped himself in the face.
"Well then Mr. Carradine, I'd like you to meet my little friend!" In a flash, Boomerang (hehe, Flash Boomerang…) presented his little dog to Gallows, waving his little paw with his massive hand. "Hewwo mishta shecwet Agent!" Boomerang playfully pretended to be the dog.
Gallows nearly fainted. He wiped his forehead with a handkerchief and coughed. "Just who are you Boomerang?" Cool and suave…
Seeing his puppy wasn't getting anywhere, Boomerang put Lucied on the ground and crossed his arms. "I am Boomerang, a member of P.R.O.P.H.E.T who excels in dealing with radioactive boomerangs. Note why my body is completely covered in black leather."
"Your dealing with radioactivity burned all of your skin hideously?! That's awful!" Gallows was shocked.
"No, it just looks cool. The chicks dig me." Boomerang replied. "Ain't that right hoes?"
A bunch of rabid fan girls appeared at his side in an instant, covering him in their bodies. "Damn straight sucka."
"Awww Yeaaa…." Gallows said in a deep voice.
"And now we must fight. Ready yourself, Mr. Carradine." Boomerang taunted.
Quickly, Gallows pulled out his small PP7 (Golden Eye r00|_z!) and fired, sending a bullet flying into Boomerangs stomach. Boomerang fell to the ground.
"I… didn't mean JUST THEN! Haven't you… ever played an RPG before?" Boomerang quivered.
Suave and cool. "Uh… yea." Not suave and cool.
"Lucied! Sick 'em fer daddy!" And Boomerang died.
The German Shepard growled and hissed, baring its teeth as it approached the agent. Gallows stepped back, but found he was at the end of the pier.
"God Damnit!" Gallows grunted. The German Sherperd was changing, forming into a purple wolf with spikes sticking out of her like a pin cushion.
"Ye hath slain mein lover! Now Thou muth die!" Lucied roared.
"You and Boomerang? Eww, beastiality." Gallows cringed.
Not even bothering to reply, Lucied leaped upon the agent as some snazzy jazz began to play. The boards underneath Gallows black dance shoes broke, sending them both into the river.
"Unleash the River!" Someone cried out in a deep voice and threw Gallows a scuba diving kit and a harpoon gun. Gallows gave many thanks with a roguish grin and dived underwater to swim around the sunken Spanish pirate ships. Lucied was still around, and had managed to grab a spiffy underwater propeller boat and was now searching for Mr. Carradine.
Gallows looked up from a hole in a boat and saw Lucied skim by. He readied the harpoon gun and fired, sending a stream of bubbles rocketing into his face, while the harpoon (with strings attached) went sailing into the propeller boat thing. Lucied had time to just let go as an enormous explosion exploded through the river depths, sending the piers above flying into the sky. Gallows pried a crab off of hi visor and swam towards the surface when a purple claw ripped him under. Gallows punched the wolf in the face, receiving a blow from the wolf right after. It was like a boxing match from hell that was underwater at the same time and that involved a strange wolf guardian thing. Finally, Gallows gave a good punch and was free. The agent swam towards the surface, leaping out as any dolphin would, and climbing aboard the nearest hovercraft.
"That was naughty." Gallows quipped before receiving a blow to the head from behind. Gallows spun around to see a charming woman. It must have been the blow. He shook his head and found an old ugly woman in a black cloak accompanied by a gray cat with wings. "What did you hit me for you old bat?"
"Hey, aren't you secret agent types supposed to be suave and cool, like that 002 fellaw was?" Georgia, the woman, asked.
"That's only when it involves beautiful women and villainous…uh, villains!" Gallows said.
"Whatever. Hey mac, aren't you heading for the Sweet Candy?" The cat, MacGregor, asked.
"Yea, why?"
"Cus it's leaving port." MacGregor motioned behind him and the giant paddle wheel riverboat Sweet Candy was pulling off.
"OH NO!" Gallows screamed in a rather high pitch.
"If you pay us, we'll take you right to it!" MacGregor smiled.
"No thanks. I'll just commandeer this vessel. For Queen and Country!" And with that, Gallows pushed the two off and jumped to the helm, where he immediately began pursuit.
"Well that went well…" Georgia said as she and the cat drifted along on a board.
"Oh shut up!" MacGregor fumed.
"Who would of thought all of this just trying to get to the ship? Well, that's being a secret agent for you!" Gallows remarked to himself.
BAM! Gallows turned his head around to see an enemy hovercraft following him at top speed, and the driver was Lucied, firing away with some sort of gun. Gallows frowned and veered right, where an abandoned ramp was laying ever so conviently for someone to make a jump. But before he could, his stunt double had to be switched in.
The hovercraft flew through the air after taking the ramp, but Lucied was not so fortunate, and her hovercraft slammed right into the Sweet Candy's paddle wheel's, being crushed in an instant. Gallow's bright yellow hovercraft landed neatly on the top sun deck, which made it easy for Gallows to be switched back in.
Gallows stepped off and tossed the keys to the nearest boat worker. "Park it somewhere and I'll leave you a tip." Cool and suave.
Jazzy music. Aww yea…