X: Diamonds Are Forever
White Snake's Eye of the Tiger plays
And so, here it was, where everything became into being: The book of the fic! Appearing in this fic was the noble but empty headed Agent Gallows Carradine (As played by Bob Marley), the demented but only serious person, agent Marivel Armitage (as played by Jessica Simpson), the very annoying and high-pitched Agent Lilka Elenaik (As played by Your little sister), the resourceful yet woman obsessed Agent Jack VanBurace (As played by Tom Cruise) and the aptly named ARMS member, Agent Not Appearing In This Fic! Together, they created a union unbreakable by any foe; they were ARMS, the Agile Remote Mission Squad! Capable of handling any trouble, any crisis imaginable! And so, after obtaining information from the lady Kannon (As played by Demi Moore), the squad headed for the white capped mountain peaks of Aba aba Niptu where the super "laser" was said to be hidden. Now let us begin…
Gallows and Marivel sat upon a ski lift chair, enjoying the free ride up as Jack and Lilka sat in the chair behind. Why there was a ski lift to an enemy base was beyond all means of comprehension, but don't tell anyone this, O.K? Evergreen trees completely covered in snow sat on the mountainside, reaching towards the evening sky.
Marivel looked over to Gallows, who was reading a rather shabby looking magazine. "What's that?"
"What's what?" Gallows asked, not bothering to look above the pages of his magazine.
"The magazine in your hand you idiot." Marivel grumbled. She was cold, even in the many layers of clothing she was wearing.
"Oh, it's my latest subscription to "GroupyWriting.org's Printed Issue." It's got the latest chapters of "Blades in Motion, Chu Chu Star Online, and Final Fantasy: EON, along with short poems and stories like "Galcain's the Looper, Captain Cetra and the Cetrateers, Making a Sergeant out of a Turkey, and Welcome To O'aka's." Gallows smiled.
Marivel sighed in disgust. "Well, at least it wasn't a DriftWings cameo…"
"Hey! Look in that tree! It's a "Hawk's Perch!" Lilka shouted through her ski visor.
"Ah, don't you love the sky? I think I see "The Gemini" out there!" Jack said as he gazed across the sky.
Marivel turned from them to Gallows once again, who had something in his mouth. "What are you doing?"
Gallows spat out a bullet and showed it to the Crimson Nobel. "I'm "Biting the Bullet"!"
"Man, that forest goes on forever, it's like "The Maze"." Lilka observed.
"We could really use a medium right about now. I wonder what happened to "Lust Jaw"?" Jack still looked at the sky.
"I think I've been here before… it must be in my "Lost Memories"…" Gallows looked at the White Mountain side.
"SHUT UP!" Marivel screamed.
SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!
The entire mountainside seemed to shake from those cold words screamed in such annoyance. And then there was silence…
"Thanks a lot Marivel…" Gallows groaned. He knew what was coming.
"Well maybe if you idiots didn't have to advertise every freakin' fic I wouldn't be so pissed!" Marivel defended herself.
"Whatever." Jack made an L out of his thumb and forefinger.
"Yea!" Lilka giggled. "Whatever!" And she too made the L sign.
The sounds of the avalanche were the first to rush upon the ski rides, and then it was the snow. Like a deep, deadly, and powdery white river, the avalanche flowed across the mountain in a torrent, engulfing all in its path, including the four members of ARMS.
All was dark. That was until Gallows opened his eyes. Now everything was semi-dark, in a world of deep blue and white. 003's eyes went wide. He had read about this before. People who were caught in avalanches and buried alive in tons of snow; quickly suffocating. "Don't panic, Gallows. You can do this! You're a super agent, the best of the best, and an army of one! You're not going to let some snow get you down, even though it may be a ton or more…"
Onkypete's quickly flew from their nests in the trees on an entirely different mountain when Gallows screams erupted in the atmosphere.
However, despite Gallows' original beliefs, rescue came quite quickly. With a quick brush, Gallows could see daylight once more, and Jack frost bitten face.
"Jees Gallows. There was only a centimeter or so on you…" Jack rubbed the back of his neck.
"Uhhh… just testing you. I knew it the whole time." Gallows smiled and stood up, brushing snow off his expensive and suave coat. He turned around to see a diamond studded golden gate in the rocky mountain face with several golden statues of a beautiful maiden with long hair and flowing robes.
"Ooh! How pretty!" Lilka clasped her hands together while admiring a statue.
"Well someone has an ego…" Marivel commented. She tapped the snow under her to discover a golden brick path lay just underneath it. "Well what do you know?"
"Man, these statues are hot." Jack commented to himself, looking upon the statues. "I can't wait to meet who lives here."
Gallows frowned and looked towards the gate. "A thick metal gate huh? It may have deterred several tourists, but it is no match for Gallows Carradine!"
The four walked up to the gate, following the golden brick path, and stopped, Gallows first. The gate was made of two golden doors, a small window (which was currently closed) and a single knocker. Marivel put her hands on her hips. "So, how do we get in quietly and stealthily?"
Lilka looked around. "I don't see any ventilation shafts…"
"The answer is quite simple. Behold." Gallows stepped to the knocker and knocked with it three times.
The window opened and a man with a large helmet covering all of his unique features gazed out. "May I help you?"
"Is this the gemstone caverns?" Gallows asked.
"Why yes it is! What do you want?" The soldier asked.
"…" Gallows tapped his calf with his toe and looked back at the other three, who simply shrugged. "Um… to see your leader?"
"No one sees the great fashion model of Oz, I mean… Gemstone caverns… Aw shucks." The soldier looked disappointed.
"But why not!? You have to let us see her!" Lilka stepped foreword, clasping her hands together.
"I don't have to do anything. I could stand here on the other side of this door and stick my tongue at you all day!" The soldier grabbed his lips and parted them so that his tongue could come out and offend the ARMS members.
"…We have cookies?" Marivel asked.
"Labwabwabwab-" The soldier took his fingers out of his mouth. "I mean, read the sign." The soldier reached an armored glove out and tapped a small sign that read 'No Solicitation'.
Marivel, Lilka, and Gallows sighed and looked to Jack, who had his hand upon his chin deep in thought. "…We… have some dynamite?" Jack asked meekly, slipping a stick of dynamite from under his hat.
"Well why didn't you say so!? That's a horse of a different color! Come on in!" The soldier closed the window and in a moment, the doors opened wide to reveal a long dark mine stretching into a black abyss.
"Well that was easy…" Gallows scratched his head.
"Heh, I know. For a moment there I thought I'd have to light it, like so." Jack took out a lighter and lit the fuse to the stick.
"JACK!" Lilka screeched, leaping back.
"What are you doing?!" Marivel shouted.
"What are you talking about, nothing's gonna happ- Oh shit!" Jack then noticed that he was indeed holding a lit stick of dynamite.
"Throw it!" Gallows leaped up and down.
"Where?!" Jack freaked.
"Anywhere!" Lilka demanded.
Jack did as told, and threw the stick right through the twin golden doors ahead of them.
** *
Gears turned, drills bored, and pipes carried steam all across the complex in these deep mountain mines. Hundreds of underpaid immigrants labored away while unearthing diamonds from the dark rocks walls. Mine carts went back and forth, all emptying large amounts of diamonds into a large furnace, which was powering the ultimately huge laser cannon, hidden away within a cave.
"Ah, I love diamonds. They are so very pretty, much like myself, do you not agree?" Melody, a very beautiful, very vain, and very evil woman with long purple hair and white robes asked her sidekick, Colette, who was a young girl wearing the exact same thing.
"Ah yes, Melody. I luv diamonds." Colette smiled.
Suddenly, an explosion sounded throughout the mines. Melody stood out of her throne and glared in the direction of fleeing immigrants. From the fire came four figures. "003. I thought Vassim did him in…"
"Did him in?" Colette looked up, confused.
"Did him in, you know… slay, slaughter, murder, assassinate, massacre, butcher, hang, lynch, electrocute, dispatch, execute, knife, sacrifice, shoot, strangle, poison, choke, smother, suffocate, asphyxiate, drown, behead, guillotine, crucify, dismember, decapitate, disembowel, quarter, tear limb from limb, destroy, give the death blow, gibe the coup de grace, put to death, deprive of life, put an end to, exterminate, stab, cut the throat of, shoot down, mangle, cut down."
Colette nodded her head knowingly. "Ah, you mean bring down, mow down, machine-gun, pick off, liquidate, put someone out of his or her misery, starve, do away with, commit murder, bump off, rub out, wipe out, knock off, finish off, blow someone's brains out, put to sleep, brain, or zap."
"Exactly my dear Colette. 003 and his gang should be dead, without life, not existing, expired, deceased, perished, lifeless, inanimate, late, defunct, breathless, no longer living, devoid of life, departed, brain-dead, gone, clinically dead, no more, done for, gone the way of all flesh, gone to meet one's reward, gone to meet one's maker, at rest with God, out of one's misery, snuffed out, pushing up daisies, rubbed out, wasted, liquidated, erased, gone by the board, resting in peace." Melody tapped her fingers irritably.
"I understand perfectly." Colette nodded.
"O.K Jack. You have let every freekin person within ten miles know we're here. Are you glad?" Marivel growled.
"Don't get mad, get glad." Lilka said happily.
"All right, the laser's around here somewhere. Team, let's go!" Gallows then began running down the mineshaft.
"Stop where you are!" Melody's voice ran like a church bell.
Gallows stopped, his eyes gazing foreword to see the most beautiful woman in his life. "Woah!"
"Hubba hubba!" Jack panted as he met up.
"O brother…" Marivel sighed.
"I see my extravagant looks have smitten you. That's good, as my beauty captivates all in life, right Colette?" Melody laughed.
"Yes ma'am!" Collete replied.
Lilka stepped foreword. "Hi, my name is Lilka, and who may you be?"
"My what good manners for an ARMS brat! I just happen to be Lady Melody of P.R.O.P.H.E.T and I'm in charge of this diamond operation!" Melody introduced herself.
"Are you mining all of these diamonds to power your doomsday device?" Marivel asked.
"Why not at all! Only half of them go to the laser!" Colette answered.
"The rest go to me, for you see…" Melody picked up a diamond and watched it intently.
"Uh oh, I feel a song coming on…" Marivel gulped.
"Hey I want to sing too!" Lilka walked over to Melody and Colette and an entire chorus of female workers and jazz musicians appeared. Melody, of course, was lead singer.
"~The French are glad to die for Love.
A kiss on the hand may be quite continental
But diamonds are a girl's best friend
A kiss may be grand, but it won't pay the rental
On your humble flat or help you feed your pussy cat
Men grow cold as girls grow old and we all lose our charms in the end
But square-cut or pear-shaped these rocks don't lose their shape
Diamonds are a girl's best friend
...Tiffany
...Cartier...
Cause we are living in a material world and I am a material girl
Come and get me, boys
Black Star, Roscor! Talk to me, Leehalt Alceste, tell me all about it!
There may come a time when a lass needs a lawyer
But diamonds are a girl's best friend
There may come a time when a hard-boiled employer
Thinks you're awful nice
But get that ice or else no dice
He's your guy when stocks are high, but beware when they start to descend
Oooo...Diamonds are a girl's best, Diamonds are a girls best, Diamonds are a girls best friend
Cause that's those louses go back to their spouses, Diamonds are a girl's best friend!!!!!~"
"Lilka! Get back over here!" Marivel shouted.
Lilka ran back, smiling as ever. "I love singing!"
"Yea, I can tell…" Marivel sighed. "How did you ever get to be an agent?"
"Wow! She even sings great!" Gallows sighed.
"Yea…" Jack smiled the goofiest smile ever.
The back up singers and musicians disappeared once more as Melody and Colette were left. Melody smirked, quite proud of herself. "You see, diamonds are very much like myself. Beautiful and well sought over."
"Your male friends are clearly smitten. It's just you two. You can't win!" Colette taunted.
"Well, lets see you charm your way out of this one!" Marivel pulled her twin uzi's.
"Colette, be a dear and do something about this." Melody smiled.
"With pleasure." Colette grinned wickedly as she pulled her own two uzi's from her pack. Melody pressed a switch and her earthly throne began to descend underground. "Arevoir!"
"Lilka! Go after her, I'll handle the sidekick!" Marivel shouted.
"Right!" Lilka nodded. She then ran past Colette and leaped down the shaft.
"Let's go!" Colette shouted.
Marivel knocked the two men down and ran forward, firing her twin guns. The two were evenly matched in both skill and armament. Marivel dived behind a drill and fired as Colette took cover behind a large pipe.
Lilka took out her Desert Eagle as she landed in what seemed to be an ironworks. Large, blazing cauldrons full of molten metal lined the world beneath, as she was on a catwalk. She could easily identify Melody running off down the path.
"Freeze Please!" Lilka shouted.
Melody stopped and turned to see the girl. "Damn."
"You'll have to stop all this stuff your doing! It's against the laws and ARMS won't allow it!" Lilka said as she came closer to the beautiful woman.
"Who gives a damn! Breaking the rules is fun and glamorous!" Melody spat.
"Hurting people isn't fun! Loving them is! We can all have a great time if we just have eternal love." Lilka preached.
"Ick. Your look on life sickens me. You should stop impersonating Flonne and give up. Number One is too powerful for any of us! He rules and we all get part of the glory!" Melody shook her head.
Suddenly a great explosion from the above level shook everything, causing the two women to fall to their knees, and Lilkas gun to fall into the cauldron below. Melody reached into her robes and pulled out her own gun.
"Say goodbye, girly!" Melody threatened.
"Um… why?" Lilka asked, not clear as to what was going on like a good idiot.
"Do we have to go over this again?" Melody rolled her exquisite eyes. "Because I'm about to do you in, slay, slaughter, murder, assassinate, massacre, butcher, hang, lynch, electrocute, dispatch, execute, knife, sacrifice, shoot, strangle, poison, choke, smother, suffocate, asphyxiate, drown, beh-"
Melody's gun flew from her hand as a gun shot echoed throughout the molten works, Melody grabbed for her hand, seeing it grow swollen from such a force. She angrily spun around, demanding to know who had shot the gun from her hand…
** *
Gallows shook his head and stood up. He was in a world of white mist. He rubbed his eyes and looked again. The world looked very much the same. "Hey, what's going on?"
"You tell me." Jack said, standing right next to him.
"Get down!" Marivel's voice clearly shouted. Gallows and Jack rolled to left as bullets flew across the earth. The gunfight was still going on; seeing how an exploded pipe would not stop it. Not able to see where they were going, the two tripped over a rock and fell into a mine cart which immediately began to roll into the vast depths of the mines. After a quick and eerily roller coaster track, the cart skidded to a halt in a dark hallway. Gallows looked up while Jack pretended he wasn't vomiting. Before them was a small door, glowing from orange light within.
"Hey Jack, I'm going in! I think the laser's in there!" Gallows hopped out of the cart.
"I knew I shouldn't have eaten that hotdog before I went on this ride…" Jack groaned.
Gallows slipped into the room, immediately hiding behind a large crate of diamonds. The room was very orange, as the thousands of diamonds were reflecting the light of a golden creature sleeping in the middle of the room. The creature, resembling a giant snapping turtle with diamonds coming from its shell, opened an eye as Gallows entered.
"Who's there?!" The creature bellowed in a deep voice.
"…Nobody but us diamonds!" Gallows said in a high-pitched voice.
"You can't fool me, puny human. I am Power Trask, and I have been in every Wild ARMs to date, so do not underestimate me." The creature, Power Trask, stated.
"Um… okay." Gallows replied.
"Come out so that I can see you, puny human that would steal my diamonds." Trask demanded.
"No thanks, I'm good right here. Say, have you seen a laser around here?" Gallows asked.
"Huh huh huh. A laser. Why would a human like you be seeking a laser? You very well know that if you steal my treasures, you will die." Trask bellowed once more.
"…No I didn't."
"Oh… well, now you do. So, are you still seeking my treasures, after my very potent warning?"
"…Do you own the laser?"
"Yes it is mine, all that confines within my treasure horde is mine."
"But did you buy it?"
"Your silly ideas such as capitalism and monetary gain mean nothing to one as old and powerful as Power Trask!" Trask then swerved around and breathed a beam of pure energy, darkening a spot on the wall nowhere near Gallows. "Now come out so that I can see you!"
"Capitalism is everything! For instance, say you have two cows. With capitalism, you can sell one of your cows and buy a bull so they can get it on and you can have baby cows to sell!"
"Why would I buy a cow when I can pluck one from the human villages below!? If you are so wise, then tell me this!"
"Um… because it's sporty?"
"Wrong answer!" Trask then fried yet another energy breath cone, trying to destroy the annoying voice. But Gallows was safely hidden. "My hearing is acute and my sense of smell superb. You do not stand a chance, thief!"
"Then why can't you hit me you old bag of hot air!? I don't care if your P.R.O.P.H.E.T or not, I'm taking that laser!"
"Don't worry Gallows! I'm here to save you!" Jack rushed into the door, carrying so many different forms of guns, axes, swords, daggers, bows, crossbows, arrows, darts, spears, and other weaponry he almost fell over. Gallows slapped himself in the face. His plan was ruined.
"More thieves! No one steals from the great Power Trask! RAAAAAAAA!" An energy beam went flying towards Jack, completely demolishing the hallway behind him. Jack dropped all the weaponry in surprise.
"Oh shit!" Jack swallowed.
Gallows stood up. "Quickly! We must obtain "A LASER"!"
Choose a character!
Marivel: Battle of the uzi's!
Lilka: The mysterious gunman!
Gallows and Jack: Obtaining the laser from the hideous beast Power Trask!
To Be Continued!!!!!
-+-
Teefa85: Kannon is uber, ne?
Meteor9: Thanks for the comments!
Hana no Kaze: Sure, send me a hentai, but I already have a Wild ARMs hentai (and it's Ginny and Maya too!)
Yahiko: …What was I doing?
Tolkien fan: Yes, I know who Trask resembles here, sheesh!
Ronald McDonald: No, I will not write you in. stop calling me.
INSERT FUNNY COMMENT HERE!