XVII: Never Say Never Again
Standing on the scene of Celebrity Jeopardy is the one and only Alex Trebek. He smiles as the camera returns from the commercial.
Alex: And welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy, but first an announcement. Our ellipses are disappearing at an alarming rate, so please bear with us! Were now on Final Jeopardy and now is the time to see what our contestants put down to the question, "What was the classic sci-fi movie that the previous episode of "From Baskar With Love" was doing a parody of?"
Alex walks to the first contestant, who happens to be none other than Mother in her big insect form.
Alex: Mother,you are currently leading with a total of eight dollars. Let's see how you answered the question.
Mother's screen blinks and her answer appears.
Alex: And you put "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton". I'm sorry, that is not even remotely correct. And how much did you bid?
Screen flicks again.
Alex: You bid four dollars and twenty cents. Well, I guess you still have three dollars and eighty cents left.
Mother: I need that money for my lunch of human sacrifice! Bwahahahahaha!
Alex: Oookay. Moving on to our next contestent…
Alex walks over to the hideously ugly final form of the Kuiper Belt.
Alex: Alright, With a total of twenty eight cents, Mr. Kuiper Belt, let us see what you put down…
Screen flicks.
Alex: GWAAAAAAAAAA. I'm sorry, but I don't think that's even a movie.
Kuiper Belt: GWAAAAAAAAA!
Alex: Uh huh. Lets see how much you wagered.
Screen flickers.
Alex: ROAAAAAAAARRRR. I don't even think that can be used as currency.
Kuiper Belt: ROOOOOOAAAAAARRR!
Alex: I'm so sorry for your lack of personification. And now for our final contestant.
Alex walks over to Beatrice, who is standing on a stool behind the podium. She smiles innocently.
Alex: Alright Beatrice, You are in debt with eight thousand dollars. Want to see if you can pull it off?
Beatrice: If it doesn't work out, I'll simply create my own Jeopardy show!
Alex: Honey, we don't even have enough ratings on this show! Well let's see what you put.
Screen flickers.
Alex: Your Mom… Well, it could be a movie, but it is incorrect. And now, your wager…
Screen flickers again.
Alex: Sucks. How did I see that one coming? The correct answer was "What is Tremors". "Tremors", you know that movie with the prehistoric worms eating people in that town in the desert? Ah, I see Meteor9 knows what I'm talking about. I'm Alex Trebek and hold my bills, because I'm going to go hang myself now. Good night.
Screen fades out as the Jeopardy theme plays.
** *
Aboard the FSS (Filgaian Space Shuttle) Gull Wing in space…
"Who would have believed that there was a space shuttle in that abandoned mine? I mean, woah…" Jack leaned back in the chair.
"More like, "I can't believe no one used it when they were being attacked by vicious monsters"!" Gallows replied.
"Well that's townspeople for you. Generic sheep, though I am surprised that Brad and Malik were there, being a PC and a super enemy." Marivel thought.
"If it's one thing I've learned, don't ask questions." Lilka sighed. "What do we do when we get to the moon base?"
"Hey, I thought you said you weren't going to ask questions!" Jack chuckled.
"Uh, uh, I am so confused!" Lilka's eyes turned into little spirals.
"Wow, that's a neat trick." Gallows whistled.
Entering the lobby was Roykman, with a red parrot on one shoulder and a big sloth on the other, pushing a cart and smiled as it stopped before them. "Can I serve you anything? A drink perhaps? Or maybe some horse whistles?"
"What's with the bird?" Marivel asked.
"SQUAWK! WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAVE YOUR GAME!?" The bird squawked and ruffled it's wings.
"Save?" Gallows raised an eyebrow. "What you talkin' bout Willis?"
"Oh don't mind him, he's very old." Roykman patted the bird.
"Who you callin old sonny?!" The sloth said through toothless lips and spectacles. "Why, in my day, everyone played sprite based RPGs and enjoyed it! There was none of this hububaloo about 'graphics' and 'quality music'!"
"Don't mind him either." Roykman rolled his eyes. "You know how sprite based characters can be when they haven't had their medicine!"
"Hey, as the representative of Wild ARMS the Original for the good side, I resent that!" Jack frowned.
"This is your captain speaking, that memory card guy from Wild ARMS 2, and I'd like to thank you for flying Filgaia Space Ways." The speakers blared.
"Hola! I am the co-pilot, senior Juan Eguapo Mistado El Lupe Zir Foope El Taco Mariacho Sir Seniorita Estardes, the Memory Figure!" The other speaker blared.
"Great, we're being controlled by save points…" Marivel sighed.
"For your entertainment today, we have a special flight movie, "Armadillo" (If you've read, "Mr. Sith goes to Washington, you'll laugh! Too bad you won't find it at Fan Fiction.net!), a film about a genetically mutated armadillo who threatens the earth if it collides!" Roykman grinned.
"Yea! This should be fun!" Lilka clapped her hands together.
"I think this is really a P.R.O.P.H.E.T ship in disguise…" Gallows whispered to Jack, who nodded in agreement.
"Bwahahahaha! You are so correct, 003!" A deep, monstrous voice called out.
"What's goin on?!" Gallows stood out of his seat. Roykman frowned as the rest wondered what the hell was up.
"It's all a grand experiment to see what it takes to drive you crazy! I could just turn you all into demons, but where's the fun in that!?" The monstrous voice cackled.
"That can only be one person!" Jack leaped over a seat and into the middle aisle. "And that would be Donald Trump!"
"What?! No you fool, It is I!" The voice then materialized into a white sheet draped over a large four-legged monster with evil red eyes peeking out from a gold mask. "ALHAZAD!"
"Alhazad?!" Jack stepped back. "Not you, the coolest of the Quarter Knights!"
"Who the heck are you?!" Marivel narrowed her eyes.
"ACK! IT"S A GHOST!" Lilka screamed, grabbing Gallows tux for comfort.
"No you fool, I am no ghost! Just because I'm in a white sheet doesn't make me a trick or treater!" Alhazad growled.
"But you're obviously evil! I mean, look at them red eyes!" Marivel crossed her arms.
"My phenotype certainly meets the qualifications, doesn't it? Ha ha, It would be wise for all of you to sit down, unless you want to get hurt!" Alhazad commanded.
At the notion, Roykman, the sloth, and the parrot all pulled out Popsicle sticks and made a threatening face.
"Ooh! Popsicle sticks! I'm so scared!" Gallows stuck out his tongue.
"What you clearly do not understand is that we are armed and you are not!" Alhazad laughed.
"What are you talking about? I have my uzi's right-" Marivel reached into her pouch, but found them missing. "My uzi's!"
"Security confiscated our weapons! I forgot all about that!" Jack cursed.
"EEP! The ghost is scaring me!" Lilka grabbed the tux even harder.
"I'm NOT A GHOST you damned woman!" Alhazad yelled. "Your weapons are held in cargo, far, far away from here! Now you are stuck with us, and we're taking over this ship!"
"What about your experiment?!" Jack growled. "Don't you want to see how you can drive us mad?!"
Alhazad raised a red eye in question. "It would please me so, but orders are orders."
"Then I have a deal for you!" Jack smiled.
"Jack! What are you doing?!" Marivel and Gallows both screeched.
"A deal? Of what sort?" Alhazad was interested.
"I challenge you to a trail of sanity! If we make it through your experiment, we land on the moon base and you turn yourself in to ARMS HQ!" Jack smirked.
"And if you were to fail?" Alhazad asked evilly.
"You can use us in any of your other experiments!" Jack answered.
"JACK!" Marivel beat Jack to the floor and instantly set to strangling him. Gallows had to pry the Crimson Noble off of him.
Alhazad's eyes made a gesture of smug pleasure. "You have a deal, Jack VanBurace! Let the trials begin!"
Play Chu Chu Rocket Soundtrack #8
** *
The four found themselves standing before a large vat of crawling ratmonkeys. Alhazad sat in the corner, smug as usual. "The object of this trial is to see how many Ratmonkeys you can put in that vat. You have fifteen minutes!"
The overhead compartments popped open, and dozens of the repulsive little creatures began running around the plane's three aisles. The four agents ran about crazily, trying to catch the creatures and put them inside. The ratmonkeys ran around with their little hands in the air and screaming in monkey tongue, driving them all a bit crazy.
"Thanks a lot Jack! I think we could have handled the Popsicle sticks!" Marivel growled.
"Yea, well, your welcome for trying to save your lives!" Jack spat back.
"That ghost is so scary!" Lilka moaned.
"I AM NOT A GHOST! I'M A DEMON!" Alhazad shouted, fuming.
They collected all of the very irritating creatures just in the nick of time. Alhazad counted down the seconds on his digital wristwatch and winked. "Very good, my little experiments. Now, my next test is one of endurance. You must read some fan fiction…"
"Woohoo! That's not bad at all!" Gallows proclaimed.
"Let me finish. "Alhazad cackled evil like. "You must read all the fan fiction that deals with a teenage girl and her friends being sucked into the fiction world. ALL OF IT! BWAHAHAHAHA!"
Gallows clasped his hands to his cheeks and screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" until he turned into that scream painting.
"Eww Any kind of fan fiction disturbs me!" Marivel gagged.
"Hey, I like these kinds of stories!" Lilka said. "And I'm still afraid of that ghost!"
"I'M A SCIENTIST! NOT A GHOST!" Alhazad shouted.
And so, the four spent their time reading all of the crappy "teenage girl and her friends get sucks into a fictional world and end up helping the characters against some seriously dire threat", though some of the agents preferred it more than others. Many, many horrendous hours later…
"And that's the last one." Alhazad put the paper down. "Now please put down your pencils and remain silent until the rest of you classmates have finished."
"Can't… finish… too …bad…" Marivel dropped onto the floor.
Alhazad laughed. "One down, three to go."
Jack, Gallows, and Lilka all looked to each other, worried.
** *
"Your next task is to do this." Alhazad said as he stood before a make shift cash register. "You must stand behind this old Jewish lady in the grocery line and wait for her to be done bartering." Alhazad laughed as he pointed out mean old Aunt Myra.
"How does he think these trials up?" Lilka looked at the other two, who simply shrugged.
"NOW LINE UP!" Alhazad shouted as he donned an apron and stood behind the cash register.
Gallows, Jack, and Lilka did as told, lining up behind Myra to purchase some imaginary goods. Myra smiled and removed a set of coffee cups from her bag in front of Alhazad. "Ello Mr cashier, I'd like to buy these coffee cups here, but they are a tad too pricy, don'tcha think?" Myra said in her old New Yorker/Jewish lady accent. "The price tag says they're 1.95 each, but in my opinion, they're really worth about 1.03, because of all the shipping and handling and the fact it was probably made be Nicaraguan children in the middle of the jungle and-"
"ACK! Move it lady! We'll be here forever!" Gallows roared.
"Excuse me young sir, but I'm bartering here, so let me be!" Myra then turned back to Alhazad, who was chuckling in a sinister manner. "Now, as I was saing, these coffee mugs weren't even made for coffee I'm guessing, they were made for-"
"That's it! I'm so annoyed, I'm leaving this store!" Gallows then stepped out of line and threw down his imaginary cart and stomped out through a pair of imaginary doors.
"TWO DOWN! TWO TO GO!" Alhazad laughed maniacally.
Lilka looked to Jack and sighed. "Man, that ghost is creepy."
"I AM NOT A GHOST! STOP CALLING ME THAT!" Alhazad shouted.
"So, about these mugs…" Myra went on and on.
** *
Jack and Lilka were strapped to the chair in front of a blank movie screen. Alhazad sat behind them and giggled. "This next film you will be forced to watch is titled "House of the Dead". The point of this mission is to last the whole movie without screaming. Are you ready?"
Jack swallowed. "Ready as I'll ever be."
"Will you please go away, Mr. Ghost?" Lilka asked.
"Stop calling me that you annoying child!" Alhazad hissed. "Let the film begin!"
** *
"No, I think the virus has left the island." G said as he looked at the city skyline across the sea.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not a sequel! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Jack screamed.
"Bwahaha! You have failed Jack VanBurace. There is only this weak child left to contend with!" Alhazad laughed.
"I'm… sorry Lilka… the movie was just… too… bad…" And Jack passed out.
Lilka turned her head to see Alhazad behind her. She shook with a bit of fear. "What's next, Mr. Ghost?!"
"I AM NOT A GHOST FOR THE ONE BILLIONTH TIME! IF YOU CALL ME A GHOST ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA SCREAM!" Alhazad shouted.
"Don't scream, you scary Ghost!" Lilka yelped.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Alhazad screamed so loud that -yes; even in space- they could hear him scream.
"Hey, you screamed during the movie, that means you lose!" Lilka pointed to the credits rolling on the screen.
"Damnit. It is all your fault you annoying little girl!" Alhazad growled. "Fine then, be that way Bleh!." Alhazad then disappeared, along with Roykman, the parrot, and the sloth.
"Yea! The planes back in our control!" Lilka destrapped herself and leaped into the air. "Moon base! Here we come!"
The space shuttle flew through the moon as an escape capsule jettisoned off as an asteroid in the distance exploded to some jazzy music. Ahhh yea!
** *
Here comes the Thinkaman! Yea, shut up kid!