"oh?" the pineapple inquired. "Is that all you have to say?" Arthur thought for a moment.
"Bugger could also be fitting." Arthur didn't really know what to think, he looked like a vogon, one of the ugliest creatures alive and yet it hadn't quite hit him yet, it probably would next time he took a bath.
"Well, at least you're now inedible." The pineapple did look rather tasty, Arthur kept having to remind himself it was Trillian in there. He, on the other hand, looked very unappealing. "I'm in very great danger of becoming a fruit salad at the moment."
"But I look like a Vogon, they must be the ugliest creatures in the universe!" Arthur said this as much for his own reaction as Trillian's.
"Second"
"What?"
"They're the second ugliest creatures in the universe, not the first and you're still more likely to get a date than any politician."
"Who's the ugliest then?" Arthur was sure Vogon's must be the least attractive creature in existance.
"I don't have time for this right now Arthur, in case you hadn't noticed I am now one of the vital ingredients on a tropical pizza, if you really want to boost your self esteem at this time look it up, I'm rather preoccupied trying to join the ranks of humans once again." Arthur couldn't help but laugh, he was being lectured by a pineapple, his life had suddenly become incredibly surreal without his consent.
"I'm sorry, I'll look it up." the pineapple didn't appear to be listening anyway. Arthur pulled his copy of the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy out of his dressing gown pocket and typed in what he was looking for, immediately words sprang up on the screen and a friendly yet well spoken voice began to read.
Vogons.
Repulsively green, unnecessarily stupid and above all ugly. It is fair to say that these creatures are the second least attractive creatures in existance. It is however, entirely unfair to call them the ugliest as this is wildly inaccurate.
The ugliest creatures in existance are in fact the gharghocks from the planet ghar in sector ZZ plural 5 beta. The gharghocks were brought into existance during a competition between the gods as to who could create the ugliest creature in existance (the same competition created the bowel trailing zheralheptes and controversially, humans from the planet earth, among others.)
The gharghocks are immortal and it is for this reason that they still exist as no gharghock has ever had a strong enough stomach to mate. They live in eternal isolation away from any reflective surfaces as a precaution. The gharghocks are small and blob-like, they are approximately two foot in height and see through. Their internal organs are clearly on show and their slimy skin folds in unsettling patterns. The law clearly states that we are not permitted to delve any deeper into their appearance as the last time it was mentioned there was an epidemic of fits of projectile vomiting but if you are truly curious, the planet is open to anyone with a strong stomach medical insurance.
Arthur finished listening to this and was still dissatisfied, he may not be the ugliest creature in the universe but he was still amazingly unattractive and unless a cure was found, likely to take up poetry to express his bitter anguish. He wandered over to the mirror and attempted to take himself by surprise. He succeeded and jumped at the sight of the green, vaguely Arthur shaped blob he found staring back at him.
"Why me?" he asked his reflection, it was just beginning to dawn on him. "Why not Zaphod? He'd make it cool, I can't pull it off, green doesn't go with my eyes!" the vogon staring at him cruelly mimicked his facial movements but didn't answer.
"At least you have eyes" the pineapple muttered, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Arthur was going to respond when he realised she shouldn't have eyebrows, pineapples didn't from what he remembered and he was sure she hadn't before.
"Trillian, should you have eyebrows?"
"Me? Yes. A pineapple? No." a pair of eyes suddenly began to appear just below the eyebrows.
"I think you're becoming you again!" Arthur said, slightly annoyed that it appeared he was going to be the only disfigured one.
"I am?" the red lips on the pineapple said straight after appearing out of nowhere. "But I haven't found out the problem yet." the nose appeared, right before a body began to grow from the bottom of the pineapple, Arthur turned away with politeness as the body was naked. After a few minutes had passed, Trillian's voice spoke up from behind him, sounding embarrassed.
"Um…Arthur?"
"Yes?"
"You couldn't get me some clothes could you?"