Part VI -- Com Pewter
Luke was feeling pretty good about life and the game by the time their party stopped for the night. They were only another day's journey from the Good Magician's castle, and he'd managed to make it this far without any major upsets. He was learning more and more about Xanth and coming to like this land, quirks and all. And he'd been able to solve a challenge. All in all, it hadn't been a bad day at all.
Too bad Vader saw fit to spoil it.
Jenny was coming back from gathering blankets from a blanket bush, Metria was in dragon form standing guard over the camp, Luke was pitching the last tent, and Vader was adding another log to the fire when the Dark Lord abruptly popped the question.
"So Luke, have you given any more thought to my proposal?"
Luke dropped the rock he'd been using to pound in a tent stake. Jenny and Metria froze and stared at Vader, confused.
"No more than it deserves," Luke replied icily.
"Sons belong with their fathers, Luke," Vader retorted.
Jenny put down the blankets. "I have to use the bushes," she said quickly and departed.
"And I have to... uh... check for goblins," Metria added, popping out.
Luke went back to pounding in the stake, pointedly ignoring Vader.
"Obi-wan was untruthful with you," Vader went on. "He was quite devious when I knew him too."
Luke uttered a curse that scorched the trunk of a nearby tree when he accidentally whacked his thumb. In his irritation he'd been careless.
"Don't say that about Obi-wan," he hissed.
"Unlike Obi-wan, I choose to be truthful," Vader replied. "Though it may be painful, the truth is the less damaging path."
"The truth is that Obi-wan was -- still is -- twice the Force-user you'll ever be," Luke spat. "The truth is that he gave his life to save me. And the truth is that you murdered him in cold blood and I refuse to forgive you for that!"
"I don't wish your forgiveness, Luke. Obi-wan got less than he deserved. Do you not think I would have loved a son, a child to call my own? Do you honestly think it was my idea to entrust the Lars with your care? Obi-wan betrayed me, hiding the fact that I was a father from me, spiriting you and your mother away from me for his own designs. By the time I located your mother again, she was dead. And as for you..." He clenched a fist, the knuckles cracking loudly. "Not until you destroyed the Death Star did I learn I had a son."
Luke snorted. "Maybe it was for the best." He tossed the rock into a bush, which responded by tossing tiny missile-shaped seed pods at him, though he was too far away for them to reach him. A George Bush, Jenny had called it.
"And why do you say that?"
"Obi-wan knew what was best for me, at least. Being raised by you, I probably would have been throttled in my teens or earlier. My uncle might have been a grouch, but he had my welfare in mind."
"And you assume I wouldn't have."
"I don't have a reason to assume otherwise, do I?"
"We'll never know. Perhaps I would have been a decent father. If I had been able to raise you, I would have known. But I was deprived of that right. It was no choice of mine that left you without a father."
"Don't go acting like a victim when you're the one who normally does the victimizing."
"Everyone is a victim at one point or another." Vader tossed a stick into the fire and watched it ignite. "And we are both victims of Obi-wan. He wanted you for his own purposes, Luke."
"If you don't shut up right now..."
"Your aunt and uncle," Vader interrupted. "Obi-wan was a Jedi, albeit an aged one. If he had wanted to, he could have saved your guardians from their untimely deaths. But he chose, instead, for them to be destroyed."
Luke didn't want to hear this, didn't want to believe it. But the thought kept nagging at him -- why hadn't Obi-wan done anything? He'd seemed to know of the attack on the homestead ahead of time. Why hadn't he gone to Anchorhead and protected them?
"Why do you think?" Vader asked. "Obi-wan wanted to train you to be a Jedi. He wanted you as an apprentice, that he might destroy the Emperor and resurrect the Order through you. But there was an obstacle in his way. One that would not be swayed. One that had to be eliminated. Can you identify it?"
No! he protested. That's not true! But he had a sudden vision of Uncle Owen's defiant expression at the dinner table the evening before his death, his hasty orders.
That man's just a crazy old wizard! I don't want you going anywhere near him!
Was Obi-wan capable of murder? Not direct murder, for he'd had the opportunity to kill the alien who'd attacked Luke in the cantina and hadn't dealt the death blow. Nor had he killed Vader, though Luke was almost sure he could have. But indirect murder, murder by inaction... Had Ben been that desperate to train Luke? Was Luke merely a pawn, a stooge to kill the Emperor and rebuilt the Order?
He forced his head up, forced himself to look at Vader. Reflected firelight flickered on his mask and helmet, giving him an almost demonic look. No, that wasn't quite right. Luke had met a demon, and his stereotype of demons being creatures of the underworld had been shattered by Metria. Perhaps an underworld god would be a more appropriate description of the fiery visage gazing across the fire at him.
"It would seem I'm not the only victim of Obi-wan's treason," Vader mused.
Luke stood. "I'm going to bed," he said abruptly, ducking into his tent.
"Of course," Vader replied. "You have a lot to think about."
He yanked the tent doors closed, then wrapped himself in a blanket and wept.
***
By morning Luke's thoughts were no less muddled or chaotic. He felt irritable, wanting alternately to strangle Vader and punch Obi-wan. It didn't help that Metria was in an especially amorous mood as they set off.
"There's a passion flower meadow nearby," she whispered. "If we lag behind, I can show you a good time."
"No, Metria," he snapped.
"What's your problem anyway? C'mon, don't you want to see my..."
"I'm not interested in your underwear, Metria."
"Oh-ho, you're touchy this morning. Did you and your father quarrel last night?"
"Just drop it."
She became two giant letters -- I and T -- and fell to the ground. Then she resumed her human form.
"Okay, I dropped it. Now what?"
He rolled his eyes. "Just leave me alone awhile, okay? I have a lot on my mind right now."
Something thudded nearby. Everyone froze.
"Tell me that's something harmless," moaned Luke.
"Uh-oh," Jenny worried. "I think that's the invisible giant."
"If you can't see it, how do you know it's a giant?" asked Vader.
"Only something giant can make that kind of noise," Luke replied as the forest shook with another thud.
"The invisible giant serves the evil machine Com Pewter," Jenny explained. "He chases people into Pewter's cave so he can play with them as he pleases."
Another crash, and a foul odor choked Luke's lungs, forcing him to clamp his hands over his nose and mouth. It was as if someone had bottled and concentrated the smells of tauntaun, stinkhorn, and engine lubricant, blended them, let them ferment a decade or so, and released them into the air. Jenny began coughing, Metria made her nose vanish, and Sammy sneezed violently. Even Vader was gagging.
"He's hair all right," Metria groaned.
"Here," Luke corrected through his nose.
"Whatever."
A section of forest was squashed flat, leaving a foot-shaped clearing not far away.
"I'm afraid we have no choice but to pay Com Pewter a visit," Vader said gravely, holding a corner of his cloak over his air intake vent to filter out the stench.
They hurried into the cave, a deafening crash and a suffocating cloud of essence of giant hurrying them along. Staggering into a large underground chamber, they were all able to breathe a little easier now that they were out of the giant's presence. Before them, a large blue screen glowed with a deceptive serenity, softly illuminating the cave. Around it was a collection of plates, cups, jewelry, statues, and other items made from some sort of dark silver metal.
"That's Com Pewter?" asked Luke, not quite sure what to make of what he saw.
Letters appeared on the screen. HELLO, MUNDANE PLAYERS.
Vader stepped forward. "Good day to you, Com Pewter. I am Lord Vader Mundane, and my Companions are Jenny Elf and Sammy Cat."
"Luke Skywalker, and my Companion Demoness Metria," Luke added.
"Not nice to see you again, flat-face," Metria said.
"Metria, do us all a favor and shut up," Vader ordered.
"Why?" she demanded.
SMART-MOUTHED DEMONESS ZIPS HER LIPS.
A zipper appeared and closed over Metria's mouth.
"How did he do that?" asked Luke.
"It's his talent," Jenny replied. "He can alter the reality in this cave."
"Fascinating," Vader marveled. "But I'm afraid we cannot remain. We must get to the Good -- "
BLACK-ARMORED MUNDANE CHANGES HIS MIND.
Vader hesitated. "On the other hand, the journey can wait."
"Hey, you can't do that!" shouted Jenny.
AND WHY NOT, ELVEN IMMIGRANT?
"Grossclout says that if someone not authorized to do so interferes with the game -- "
FELINE'S MISTRESS GETS MOUTHFUL OF GIANT STINK.
Jenny doubled over and gagged, unable to complete the sentence.
Luckily, Metria finished the thought. "If you interfere, Grossclout will turn your circuits to mush, you outdated piece of junk."
The screen flickered amusedly, but evidently Com Pewter knew when to back off. I'LL LET YOU OUT IF YOU DEFEAT ME IN A CONTEST OF RIDDLES.
Luke grimaced. He hated riddles. They always stumped him, even the childish ones like "What starts with E and ends with E and has one letter in it?" It had taken a week for him to worm the answer out of Biggs, and Deak and Windy had teased him about it for days.
SOUR-FACED MUNDANE YOUTH AGREES.
On the other hand, he had help this time. Maybe the others knew the solutions to more riddles. "I agree. It sounds fair."
RULES FIRST. COMPANIONS MAY NOT HELP. THIS IS A PLAYER CHALLENGE. IF THE RIDDLE CONCERNS AN ASPECT OF XANTH THE PLAYERS ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH, I WILL CLARIFY IT FOR THEM.
"So you can rig the contest in your favor, I presume," Vader replied.
AND I SUPPOSE YOU CAN INVENT BETTER RULES, METAL-MOUTHED MUNDANIAN?
"Certainly, malfunctioning mechanical monstrosity," Vader shot back. "The Players go first. If you answer our riddle correctly and we answer yours incorrectly, we lose and are subject to your whim. If you answer our riddle incorrectly and we answer yours correctly, you lose and must release us. If we both answer each other's riddles, or we fail to answer them, the round is a draw and we begin another round."
CONSIDERING... PROCESSING DATA... AGREED. BEGIN WHEN READY.
"You do it," Luke told Vader. "I defeated the last challenge."
"We will alternate rounds," Vader replied to Luke's chagrin. He turned to Com Pewter and began reciting:
"As I was going to Deneb V
I met a man with seven wives.
Every wife had seven sacks.
Every sack had seven cats.
Every cat had seven kits.
Kits, cats, sacks, and wives --
How many are going to Deneb V?"
Luke smiled. That was an old riddle from their galaxy. Certainly Com Pewter couldn't know...
ONE. YOU NEVER SAID THE MAN AND HIS WIVES WERE GOING TO DENEB V, ONLY YOU. MY TURN.
Sithspawn! He'd figured it out! He hoped Vader could figure out Pewter's riddle.
HOW DID THE DEMONS PULL THE KISS-ME RIVER STRAIGHT?
"Explain," Vader ordered.
THE KISS-ME RIVER IN SOUTHERN XANTH WAS A NICELY CURVING RIVER UNTIL THE DEMONS DECIDED TO STRAIGHTEN IT. THEY TURNED IT INTO A HARSH, ANGULAR RIVER THAT BECAME THE KILL-ME RIVER. HOW DID THEY DO THIS?
Vader was silent awhile. Luke knew that in Mundania, when a river's course was altered, canals were dug alongside it and the water drained into them. He doubted such a process was used here, however.
"As with much of Xanth, the answer lies in the name," Vader said finally. "They altered the river's name by pulling the two S's in "Kiss" straight, turning them to L's. Kiss-me became Kill-me."
WELL DONE, MUNDANIAN PLAYER. COMMENCE NEXT ROUND.
"Skywalker?" Vader inquired.
"Uh... what starts with E and ends with E and has one letter in it?" Luke asked.
He swore he could see Vader roll his eyes in an unspoken "Ugh!"
AN ENVELOPE. MY TURN. WHAT WALKS ON FOUR LEGS IN THE MORNING, TWO LEGS AT NOON, AND THREE LEGS IN THE EVENING?
Ha! Stroke of luck! He'd heard this one recently. "A human. In the morning of a human's life, his babyhood, he crawls on his hands and knees. During the noon of his life, adulthood, he walks upright. And in the evening of his life, old age, he uses a cane -- an artificial third limb."
A splat of static crossed the screen. The machine was obviously frustrated, having hoped for a quick win. COMMENCE NEXT ROUND.
"In the thirty-fifth annual Kessel Run competition, two players, a Duros and a Twi'leck, were each predicted to win the challenge," Vader stated. "They were evenly matched in skill, and both piloted swift, maneuverable starships. The goal of the competition was to deliver a crate from the starting point to a larger starship -- ship A. Then they were to pick up cargo from ship A and deliver it to ship B, from which they'd pick up another item and transfer it to ship C, and so forth.
"When the Kessel Run was complete, a winner was declared. The Duros' ship had traveled fifteen parsecs, the Twi'leck's thirteen. Which was the winner?"
THE DUROS, Com Pewter declared smugly. THE TWI'LECK TRAVELED A SHORTER DISTANCE, INDICATING HE QUIT THE RACE EARLY. THUS HE FORFEITED VICTORY TO HIS OPPONENT.
"Wrong!" Vader declared triumphantly. "The Twi'leck was the victor."
The screen flickered wildly. DOES NOT COMPUTE!
"The Kessel Run is not measured in time, but in distance. As the small ships are picking up and dropping off cargo, the large ships are steadily moving away from the starting point. Completing the Run before the freighters have gone very far ensures victory. The Twi'leck covered a shorter distance and thus won."
Symbols filled the screen -- *?!@$%^[ ]!
"Your turn, screen-brains," Metria said with a giant smile.
Com Pewter was clearly incensed, but he ran the numbers 1 through 10 through his screen a few times and calmed down enough to retort:
WHICH CAME FIRST, THE HARPY OR THE EGG?
"Describe a harpy," Vader requested.
A picture of a half-woman, half-bird creature appeared on the screen. Luke felt his hopes die away. This was an age-old riddle that had no final answer, though in their version of the riddle a hawk-bat replaced the harpy.
"The harpy," Vader replied. "Jenny explained the phenomenon of crossbreeding to me before we encountered you. The first harpies appear to be the result of large birds and humans meeting at love springs. They did not hatch from eggs but were born -- excuse me -- delivered by the stork." He chuckled. "You lose this round and the game."
@@@@@@@@@@@! printed the screen. The air went smoky. Jenny covered her eyes.
"Can we go now?" whined Metria.
"I don't think Com Pewter's in a position to prevent us from leaving," Luke replied. They departed quickly.
"Not bad, Vader," Luke said with a nod. "You know your stuff."
"It's all a matter of using logic, Skywalker," replied Vader.
"There's the Good Magician's castle!" exclaimed Jenny. "We're there!"
Luke was feeling pretty good about life and the game by the time their party stopped for the night. They were only another day's journey from the Good Magician's castle, and he'd managed to make it this far without any major upsets. He was learning more and more about Xanth and coming to like this land, quirks and all. And he'd been able to solve a challenge. All in all, it hadn't been a bad day at all.
Too bad Vader saw fit to spoil it.
Jenny was coming back from gathering blankets from a blanket bush, Metria was in dragon form standing guard over the camp, Luke was pitching the last tent, and Vader was adding another log to the fire when the Dark Lord abruptly popped the question.
"So Luke, have you given any more thought to my proposal?"
Luke dropped the rock he'd been using to pound in a tent stake. Jenny and Metria froze and stared at Vader, confused.
"No more than it deserves," Luke replied icily.
"Sons belong with their fathers, Luke," Vader retorted.
Jenny put down the blankets. "I have to use the bushes," she said quickly and departed.
"And I have to... uh... check for goblins," Metria added, popping out.
Luke went back to pounding in the stake, pointedly ignoring Vader.
"Obi-wan was untruthful with you," Vader went on. "He was quite devious when I knew him too."
Luke uttered a curse that scorched the trunk of a nearby tree when he accidentally whacked his thumb. In his irritation he'd been careless.
"Don't say that about Obi-wan," he hissed.
"Unlike Obi-wan, I choose to be truthful," Vader replied. "Though it may be painful, the truth is the less damaging path."
"The truth is that Obi-wan was -- still is -- twice the Force-user you'll ever be," Luke spat. "The truth is that he gave his life to save me. And the truth is that you murdered him in cold blood and I refuse to forgive you for that!"
"I don't wish your forgiveness, Luke. Obi-wan got less than he deserved. Do you not think I would have loved a son, a child to call my own? Do you honestly think it was my idea to entrust the Lars with your care? Obi-wan betrayed me, hiding the fact that I was a father from me, spiriting you and your mother away from me for his own designs. By the time I located your mother again, she was dead. And as for you..." He clenched a fist, the knuckles cracking loudly. "Not until you destroyed the Death Star did I learn I had a son."
Luke snorted. "Maybe it was for the best." He tossed the rock into a bush, which responded by tossing tiny missile-shaped seed pods at him, though he was too far away for them to reach him. A George Bush, Jenny had called it.
"And why do you say that?"
"Obi-wan knew what was best for me, at least. Being raised by you, I probably would have been throttled in my teens or earlier. My uncle might have been a grouch, but he had my welfare in mind."
"And you assume I wouldn't have."
"I don't have a reason to assume otherwise, do I?"
"We'll never know. Perhaps I would have been a decent father. If I had been able to raise you, I would have known. But I was deprived of that right. It was no choice of mine that left you without a father."
"Don't go acting like a victim when you're the one who normally does the victimizing."
"Everyone is a victim at one point or another." Vader tossed a stick into the fire and watched it ignite. "And we are both victims of Obi-wan. He wanted you for his own purposes, Luke."
"If you don't shut up right now..."
"Your aunt and uncle," Vader interrupted. "Obi-wan was a Jedi, albeit an aged one. If he had wanted to, he could have saved your guardians from their untimely deaths. But he chose, instead, for them to be destroyed."
Luke didn't want to hear this, didn't want to believe it. But the thought kept nagging at him -- why hadn't Obi-wan done anything? He'd seemed to know of the attack on the homestead ahead of time. Why hadn't he gone to Anchorhead and protected them?
"Why do you think?" Vader asked. "Obi-wan wanted to train you to be a Jedi. He wanted you as an apprentice, that he might destroy the Emperor and resurrect the Order through you. But there was an obstacle in his way. One that would not be swayed. One that had to be eliminated. Can you identify it?"
No! he protested. That's not true! But he had a sudden vision of Uncle Owen's defiant expression at the dinner table the evening before his death, his hasty orders.
That man's just a crazy old wizard! I don't want you going anywhere near him!
Was Obi-wan capable of murder? Not direct murder, for he'd had the opportunity to kill the alien who'd attacked Luke in the cantina and hadn't dealt the death blow. Nor had he killed Vader, though Luke was almost sure he could have. But indirect murder, murder by inaction... Had Ben been that desperate to train Luke? Was Luke merely a pawn, a stooge to kill the Emperor and rebuilt the Order?
He forced his head up, forced himself to look at Vader. Reflected firelight flickered on his mask and helmet, giving him an almost demonic look. No, that wasn't quite right. Luke had met a demon, and his stereotype of demons being creatures of the underworld had been shattered by Metria. Perhaps an underworld god would be a more appropriate description of the fiery visage gazing across the fire at him.
"It would seem I'm not the only victim of Obi-wan's treason," Vader mused.
Luke stood. "I'm going to bed," he said abruptly, ducking into his tent.
"Of course," Vader replied. "You have a lot to think about."
He yanked the tent doors closed, then wrapped himself in a blanket and wept.
***
By morning Luke's thoughts were no less muddled or chaotic. He felt irritable, wanting alternately to strangle Vader and punch Obi-wan. It didn't help that Metria was in an especially amorous mood as they set off.
"There's a passion flower meadow nearby," she whispered. "If we lag behind, I can show you a good time."
"No, Metria," he snapped.
"What's your problem anyway? C'mon, don't you want to see my..."
"I'm not interested in your underwear, Metria."
"Oh-ho, you're touchy this morning. Did you and your father quarrel last night?"
"Just drop it."
She became two giant letters -- I and T -- and fell to the ground. Then she resumed her human form.
"Okay, I dropped it. Now what?"
He rolled his eyes. "Just leave me alone awhile, okay? I have a lot on my mind right now."
Something thudded nearby. Everyone froze.
"Tell me that's something harmless," moaned Luke.
"Uh-oh," Jenny worried. "I think that's the invisible giant."
"If you can't see it, how do you know it's a giant?" asked Vader.
"Only something giant can make that kind of noise," Luke replied as the forest shook with another thud.
"The invisible giant serves the evil machine Com Pewter," Jenny explained. "He chases people into Pewter's cave so he can play with them as he pleases."
Another crash, and a foul odor choked Luke's lungs, forcing him to clamp his hands over his nose and mouth. It was as if someone had bottled and concentrated the smells of tauntaun, stinkhorn, and engine lubricant, blended them, let them ferment a decade or so, and released them into the air. Jenny began coughing, Metria made her nose vanish, and Sammy sneezed violently. Even Vader was gagging.
"He's hair all right," Metria groaned.
"Here," Luke corrected through his nose.
"Whatever."
A section of forest was squashed flat, leaving a foot-shaped clearing not far away.
"I'm afraid we have no choice but to pay Com Pewter a visit," Vader said gravely, holding a corner of his cloak over his air intake vent to filter out the stench.
They hurried into the cave, a deafening crash and a suffocating cloud of essence of giant hurrying them along. Staggering into a large underground chamber, they were all able to breathe a little easier now that they were out of the giant's presence. Before them, a large blue screen glowed with a deceptive serenity, softly illuminating the cave. Around it was a collection of plates, cups, jewelry, statues, and other items made from some sort of dark silver metal.
"That's Com Pewter?" asked Luke, not quite sure what to make of what he saw.
Letters appeared on the screen. HELLO, MUNDANE PLAYERS.
Vader stepped forward. "Good day to you, Com Pewter. I am Lord Vader Mundane, and my Companions are Jenny Elf and Sammy Cat."
"Luke Skywalker, and my Companion Demoness Metria," Luke added.
"Not nice to see you again, flat-face," Metria said.
"Metria, do us all a favor and shut up," Vader ordered.
"Why?" she demanded.
SMART-MOUTHED DEMONESS ZIPS HER LIPS.
A zipper appeared and closed over Metria's mouth.
"How did he do that?" asked Luke.
"It's his talent," Jenny replied. "He can alter the reality in this cave."
"Fascinating," Vader marveled. "But I'm afraid we cannot remain. We must get to the Good -- "
BLACK-ARMORED MUNDANE CHANGES HIS MIND.
Vader hesitated. "On the other hand, the journey can wait."
"Hey, you can't do that!" shouted Jenny.
AND WHY NOT, ELVEN IMMIGRANT?
"Grossclout says that if someone not authorized to do so interferes with the game -- "
FELINE'S MISTRESS GETS MOUTHFUL OF GIANT STINK.
Jenny doubled over and gagged, unable to complete the sentence.
Luckily, Metria finished the thought. "If you interfere, Grossclout will turn your circuits to mush, you outdated piece of junk."
The screen flickered amusedly, but evidently Com Pewter knew when to back off. I'LL LET YOU OUT IF YOU DEFEAT ME IN A CONTEST OF RIDDLES.
Luke grimaced. He hated riddles. They always stumped him, even the childish ones like "What starts with E and ends with E and has one letter in it?" It had taken a week for him to worm the answer out of Biggs, and Deak and Windy had teased him about it for days.
SOUR-FACED MUNDANE YOUTH AGREES.
On the other hand, he had help this time. Maybe the others knew the solutions to more riddles. "I agree. It sounds fair."
RULES FIRST. COMPANIONS MAY NOT HELP. THIS IS A PLAYER CHALLENGE. IF THE RIDDLE CONCERNS AN ASPECT OF XANTH THE PLAYERS ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH, I WILL CLARIFY IT FOR THEM.
"So you can rig the contest in your favor, I presume," Vader replied.
AND I SUPPOSE YOU CAN INVENT BETTER RULES, METAL-MOUTHED MUNDANIAN?
"Certainly, malfunctioning mechanical monstrosity," Vader shot back. "The Players go first. If you answer our riddle correctly and we answer yours incorrectly, we lose and are subject to your whim. If you answer our riddle incorrectly and we answer yours correctly, you lose and must release us. If we both answer each other's riddles, or we fail to answer them, the round is a draw and we begin another round."
CONSIDERING... PROCESSING DATA... AGREED. BEGIN WHEN READY.
"You do it," Luke told Vader. "I defeated the last challenge."
"We will alternate rounds," Vader replied to Luke's chagrin. He turned to Com Pewter and began reciting:
"As I was going to Deneb V
I met a man with seven wives.
Every wife had seven sacks.
Every sack had seven cats.
Every cat had seven kits.
Kits, cats, sacks, and wives --
How many are going to Deneb V?"
Luke smiled. That was an old riddle from their galaxy. Certainly Com Pewter couldn't know...
ONE. YOU NEVER SAID THE MAN AND HIS WIVES WERE GOING TO DENEB V, ONLY YOU. MY TURN.
Sithspawn! He'd figured it out! He hoped Vader could figure out Pewter's riddle.
HOW DID THE DEMONS PULL THE KISS-ME RIVER STRAIGHT?
"Explain," Vader ordered.
THE KISS-ME RIVER IN SOUTHERN XANTH WAS A NICELY CURVING RIVER UNTIL THE DEMONS DECIDED TO STRAIGHTEN IT. THEY TURNED IT INTO A HARSH, ANGULAR RIVER THAT BECAME THE KILL-ME RIVER. HOW DID THEY DO THIS?
Vader was silent awhile. Luke knew that in Mundania, when a river's course was altered, canals were dug alongside it and the water drained into them. He doubted such a process was used here, however.
"As with much of Xanth, the answer lies in the name," Vader said finally. "They altered the river's name by pulling the two S's in "Kiss" straight, turning them to L's. Kiss-me became Kill-me."
WELL DONE, MUNDANIAN PLAYER. COMMENCE NEXT ROUND.
"Skywalker?" Vader inquired.
"Uh... what starts with E and ends with E and has one letter in it?" Luke asked.
He swore he could see Vader roll his eyes in an unspoken "Ugh!"
AN ENVELOPE. MY TURN. WHAT WALKS ON FOUR LEGS IN THE MORNING, TWO LEGS AT NOON, AND THREE LEGS IN THE EVENING?
Ha! Stroke of luck! He'd heard this one recently. "A human. In the morning of a human's life, his babyhood, he crawls on his hands and knees. During the noon of his life, adulthood, he walks upright. And in the evening of his life, old age, he uses a cane -- an artificial third limb."
A splat of static crossed the screen. The machine was obviously frustrated, having hoped for a quick win. COMMENCE NEXT ROUND.
"In the thirty-fifth annual Kessel Run competition, two players, a Duros and a Twi'leck, were each predicted to win the challenge," Vader stated. "They were evenly matched in skill, and both piloted swift, maneuverable starships. The goal of the competition was to deliver a crate from the starting point to a larger starship -- ship A. Then they were to pick up cargo from ship A and deliver it to ship B, from which they'd pick up another item and transfer it to ship C, and so forth.
"When the Kessel Run was complete, a winner was declared. The Duros' ship had traveled fifteen parsecs, the Twi'leck's thirteen. Which was the winner?"
THE DUROS, Com Pewter declared smugly. THE TWI'LECK TRAVELED A SHORTER DISTANCE, INDICATING HE QUIT THE RACE EARLY. THUS HE FORFEITED VICTORY TO HIS OPPONENT.
"Wrong!" Vader declared triumphantly. "The Twi'leck was the victor."
The screen flickered wildly. DOES NOT COMPUTE!
"The Kessel Run is not measured in time, but in distance. As the small ships are picking up and dropping off cargo, the large ships are steadily moving away from the starting point. Completing the Run before the freighters have gone very far ensures victory. The Twi'leck covered a shorter distance and thus won."
Symbols filled the screen -- *?!@$%^[ ]!
"Your turn, screen-brains," Metria said with a giant smile.
Com Pewter was clearly incensed, but he ran the numbers 1 through 10 through his screen a few times and calmed down enough to retort:
WHICH CAME FIRST, THE HARPY OR THE EGG?
"Describe a harpy," Vader requested.
A picture of a half-woman, half-bird creature appeared on the screen. Luke felt his hopes die away. This was an age-old riddle that had no final answer, though in their version of the riddle a hawk-bat replaced the harpy.
"The harpy," Vader replied. "Jenny explained the phenomenon of crossbreeding to me before we encountered you. The first harpies appear to be the result of large birds and humans meeting at love springs. They did not hatch from eggs but were born -- excuse me -- delivered by the stork." He chuckled. "You lose this round and the game."
@@@@@@@@@@@! printed the screen. The air went smoky. Jenny covered her eyes.
"Can we go now?" whined Metria.
"I don't think Com Pewter's in a position to prevent us from leaving," Luke replied. They departed quickly.
"Not bad, Vader," Luke said with a nod. "You know your stuff."
"It's all a matter of using logic, Skywalker," replied Vader.
"There's the Good Magician's castle!" exclaimed Jenny. "We're there!"