Part VII -- Humphrey
Most of Xanth looked quaint and bizarre, but the Good Magician's castle had been constructed to look almost like a Corusant skyscraper, though on a smaller scale. Its spired crown flung proud shoulders against the sky. The exterior gleamed with chrome and durasteel, and on every third floor elegant statues stood on ledges and encircled the building. There being eighteen floors in all, there were six sets of statues, the uppermost being hawk-bats and the others, in descending order, massifs, sand panthers, gundarks, krayt dragons, and opee sea killers. These last spouted water from their mouths into a glistening moat. The moat itself was protected by specially-grown spike-topped wallflowers that encircled the castle.
"It's beautiful!" Luke marveled.
Vader frowned. "Why does it look so much like one of our buildings? Is the Good Magician Mundanian?"
"The Good Magician's always remodeling his castle," Jenny explained. "He must have known you were coming."
"He always does," Metria snorted. "That's why he sews the challenges for each person seeking an answer."
"He what?" asked Jenny.
"Stitches, darns, customizes, hand-crafts..."
"Tailors," Luke provided.
"Whatever," Metria snapped.
Vader ground his teeth. The demoness grated severely on his nerves. Hopefully the Magician could point out where the prize was so he could complete the game and be rid of her company shortly.
"What challenges?" asked Luke.
"You have to pass three trials before you can see the Good Magician," Jenny replied. "He does that to make sure only serious questions are brought before him. The year-of-service requirement also ensures this."
Vader nodded. That process weeded out those wishing to ask foolish or trivial questions. Only someone with a great need or important mission would get through and receive an audience with the Good Magician. He made a mental note to implement his own system to block out unnecessary visitors to his palace.
A doorway had been cut into one wallflower, and near it a young woman sat in the grass writing something on a paper wasp. When she saw them approach she popped the flat insect inside a nearby box and stood. Looking to be in her early twenties, she looked fairly nondescript -- short spiky brown-gray hair, blue eyes shielded by glasses, and a body a tactful person would have described as "big-boned."
"Sorry, I'm not allowed to let you enter," she told them.
"We are here to see the Good Magician," Vader told her.
Her eyes went wide with recognition. "Darth Vader!"
Vader was taken aback. "You're Mundanian?"
"Yes, I am. And Luke Skywalker! Very pleased to meet you both! My name's Kenya. Kenya Starflight."
"Pleasure's all ours," Luke replied, shaking her hand.
"You must be part of a Wave," Jenny guessed.
"What Wave?" asked Vader.
"A Wave of Colonization," explained Jenny. "Waves of Mundanians often come into Xanth to settle. There have been fifteen Waves so far, the latest being the Black Wave."
"Actually, I'm just visiting," Kenya corrected. "I've read the books about Xanth and really wanted to visit, but the gateway to Xanth is in Florida. I live in Idaho, and I can't afford the trip. But wishes have a way of coming true, I guess, because I found a way to get here."
"How?" asked Luke.
She grinned as if divulging a juicy secret. "By daydream. The dream realms in Xanth and Mundania must overlap. One day I was fantasizing about visiting Xanth so I could pit my wits against Com Pewter, and a day mare trotted right through."
"A what?" asked Vader.
"A day mare. Night mares and day mares are the horses that deliver dreams. Night mares handle the bad dreams, and day mares handle daydreams and more pleasant dreams. Anyway, I saw the day mare and asked if she could give me a ride while she was at it. She agreed, and here I am! Now I can visit Xanth as often as I want!"
At least she wanted to be here. All Vader wanted was out. "You must be our first challenge."
"Yup. My orders were to let no one through." She winked. "And mind tricks won't work on me, my Lord," she said with a grin, affecting the tone of an Imperial officer.
"What if we were to just tango on through?" asked Metria.
"Just what?" repeated Kenya.
"Cha-cha, samba, disco, swing, dance, moonwalk, hip-hop..."
"Waltz?"
"Whatever."
Kenya clapped her hands. "Here boy! Here Gregory!"
A hideous shriek, and a weird mix of panther and bird-of-prey landed in the doorway. It flexed its talons and eyed the group hungrily.
"Gregory Griffon, serving a year of service to the Good Magician in return for learning the location of his future mate," she introduced. "His orders were to eat anyone who tries to go through the doorway."
"Is there an alternate doorway?" asked Vader.
"Not that I'm aware of."
"Is there some sort of puzzle we must solve before you will allow us through?"
"I wasn't given one. I was just told no one was allowed through."
Realization struck at that moment. "What were the Good Magician's exact words?"
She altered her voice to a gravelly, grouchy-old-man sort of tone. "'Stay at the doorway in the north wallflower and let no one through. Sic the griffon on them if you have to.'"
"No one." He gestured toward their company. "But there are five of us."
"Beg your pardon?"
"There are five of us. Not one, but five. The puzzle was in the wording of your instructions. You cannot let one person inside, but five may enter together. Am I wrong?"
"Dunno," she said with a shrug. "You'll have to test it."
"I have a bad feeling about this," Luke muttered, eyeing the griffon nervously.
"It's now or never, Jaywalker," Metria told him, taking his arm. Jenny took Metria's other arm and hooked her free arm through Vader's. He, in turn, picked up Sammy, and four abreast they strode through the gate, past Gregory and to the shore of the moat.
"Well, he didn't take a bite out of you, so you must have passed the challenge," Kenya observed. "Good luck on your next two!"
"Why is a Mundanian serving the Good Magician?" asked Jenny.
"I'm a writer," she replied. "I wrote mostly Star Wars fan fiction, and I wasn't doing a very good job in my opinion. So I visited the Good Magician and asked him how I could improve my writing. He told me to pick a genre and focus on it. I picked L/V. So far I've written several stories that I think are much better, and I'm still writing."
"What's Star Wars?" asked Luke.
She smiled mysteriously. "Enjoy your next trial!"
Vader regarded the moat critically. There was no bridge, no boat or raft, no visible means of crossing. It didn't appear to be very deep, and he saw no trace of poison or a resident water monster in its glass-clear depths. Could they simply wade across? He doubted it would be that simple, and a sign ordering NO SWIMMING, DIVING, OR WADING confirmed that doubt.
"How do we cross?" wondered Luke.
"I can pop across!" Metria announced, doing just that. "Want me to turn into a bridge and get you across?"
"I think the Companions need to let the Players solve this," Jenny told the demoness.
Vader knelt to inspect the water. He cautiously dipped his hand in, but felt no change. Apparently it was unenchanted. But at the water's edge a curious object caught his eye, and he picked it up. It was a brown cracker with several tiny holes cut in it. Was there something significant about it? Was it a key to the challenge?
An abrupt splash of water hit him full in the masked face, and he looked up to see a sleek gray animal giggle wildly as it swam merrily away.
"A porpoise!" Jenny exclaimed, delighted. "Oh, I've never seen one up close before!"
"Let me guess," Luke quipped. "The porpoise is here for a purpose."
"Oh yes. A purpose always has a porpoise --- uh, a porpoise always has a purpose."
Luke gave a boyish grin. "I never knew puns could be such fun!"
"He who lives by the pun, dies by the pun," Vader remarked, wiping his mask off.
"You're such a killjoy," Luke grumbled.
The porpoise poked its head out of the water and squealed agreement.
"Wait a minute," Luke went on, taking another look at the sign. "If swimming isn't allowed, what's the porpoise doing in there?"
Vader watched the porpoise perform a backward flip. "An excellent point. Why don't you ask it?"
"I don't speak Porpoise-ese," Luke shot back. "Maybe this would have been an advantage of having Grundy as a Companion."
"Perhaps the Good Magician knew neither of us selected the golem and so planned this challenge accordingly," Vader theorized.
"Maybe I can talk to it," Metria volunteered. She changed into a porpoise and dove into the water. "Hey purpose, why..."
Like a torpedo she was spit from the water, landing in a heap on the bank opposite the others. She assumed human form and stood, dripping. "So much for that."
Luke's eyes bulged.
"Metria, put some clothes on," Vader ordered.
"You're not my Player or my boss," Metria sneered, sticking her tongue out until it extended nearly a meter.
"Me-tri-a!" he bellowed.
A dress popped over her body. It was amazing how much such factors as volume and tone could affect someone's authority over another.
"Well, you were still talking human," Jenny pointed out. "Just because you change your shape doesn't mean you can talk the language."
Luke braced himself and stepped into the water. The moat flung him out and against a symme-tree. Jenny attempted to jump in and was similarly ejected. The "no swimming, wading, or diving" rule apparently affected all of them -- except for the porpoise, who laughed maniacally each time one of them got booted.
"There must be a way across," Vader growled, scowling at the porpoise. It chuckled and splashed a flipper-ful of water at him in return.
"Is there an object around here that looks out of place?" Jenny asked. "Often the Good Magician leaves an unusual clue or helpful tool around."
"Out of place?" Metria's head became a set of binoculars as she scanned her surroundings. "I see a handsome young Mundane and his ugly mechanical father, but other than that..."
"This was lying by the bank," Vader told her, handing the cracker to Jenny.
She inspected it. "I've never seen one of these outside a kitchen. It's a graham cracker. I don't know why it's full of holes..."
"Another pun!" Luke exclaimed. "Graham cracker full of holes -- a hole-o-graham!"
Hologram. Holey graham. It did make dumb punnish sense. Luke had a knack for this sort of thing.
"What's a hole-o-graham?" asked Jenny.
"It's a three-dimensional picture produced by a holo-projector," Luke explained. "It's visible, but it's not solid. Sort of like it's made of light..."
"Like Sorceress Iris' talent of illusion!" Jenny exclaimed.
"Yeah, like that."
Vader took the hole-o-graham back and inspected it. One hole seemed slightly larger than the others. He pressed his thumb to it, and a holo of a man with the head of a porpoise appeared before them, about a meter tall and glowing with a bluish light.
"Hello," the holo chirped. "Porpoise-human / human-porpoise translation holo-program at your service."
"That's it!" Metria shouted. "That's our flue!"
"Our what?" asked Luke.
"Chimney, stovepipe, hint, evidence..."
"Clue," Vader replied.
"Whatever."
Luke addressed the holo. "Ask the porpoise why he's able to swim in the moat when there's a no-swimming sign."
The holo turned and exchanged clicks and snickers with the porpoise. "He says," it replied in Basic, "that he has a special permit from the Good Magician to inhabit his moat."
"So all we need is to get a permit and we can cross," Luke mused.
"But we need to cross the moat in order to reach the Good Magician and get a permit," Jenny replied.
It was a circular problem. But Vader knew he could find a way around it. "Does the porpoise's permit allow him to carry someone across?"
Another series of clucks and squawks. "He says that there's nothing in his permit that says he can't take someone across. Just lean over and grab his dorsal fin."
"You did it again, Vader!" Metria cheered, jumping up and down with glee. Vader groaned as Luke stared, transfixed, at the demoness as the activity jostled her front around.
"Luke," he hissed.
"Oh... uh... yeah." He took hold of the porpoise's fin, and it gently pulled him into the water and across the moat.
"Don't worry too much over it," Jenny told Vader. "Demonesses have that effect on most men."
That didn't make him feel any better. He greatly distrusted that slut of a demoness around his son. For a moment he wondered why she didn't affect him like she affected Luke. Maybe it had something to do with her being Luke's Companion. Or maybe he was just immune to her wiles.
Next the porpoise pulled Jenny through the water to the other shore, then carried Sammy across on its back. Finally Vader took the creature's fin in his hand, and the porpoise took him across. Everyone patted themselves dry with towels from a nearby towel tree, then thanked the porpoise. It giggled and waved its flippers in reply.
"I wonder why its here," Luke mused.
"When the demons changed the Kiss-Me River to the Kill-Me River, the porpoises living there had to retreat," Jenny explained. "They're happy creatures and didn't like their home turning nasty. But some got left behind. I suppose this one came to the Good Magician to find his way back to his kind."
"I hope he makes it back soon," Luke said, returning the porpoise's wave.
The boy had a good heart in him. Vader hoped it wasn't too late to drive it out of him. Compassion was a weakness in a Sith.
At last they came to the castle gate. It was wide open, and an elf girl was in the doorway playing some sort of skipping game.
"One of your kind?" Vader asked Jenny.
"No, I'm an elf from the World of Two Moons. This is a Xanth elf." She felt silent, suddenly pensive.
"Excuse me, miss?" asked Luke, trying to address the elf girl. "We're trying to get to the Good Magician..."
A web of electricity crackled across the doorway when Luke tried to step through it. The force of the shock threw him back and into Metria's arms. The elf continued her game, unfazed.
"What was that?" he demanded, stunned.
"Are you okay?" asked Metria. "Let me kiss it better."
"No Me -- " he began, but she had already planted her lips on his. Angrily Vader reached out to grab her by the hair and pull her head away, but his hand passed right through her tresses as if they were a hologram.
"Better?" she asked, pulling away.
Luke squeaked assent and nodded.
"If you do that again..." snarled Vader.
"Are you his Companion?" demanded Metria. "Huh? Do YOU want to kiss him better?"
Luke looked about to lose his breakfast at the thought. Vader didn't blame him.
Jenny picked up a stone and threw it at the door. Upon hitting whatever barrier had shocked Luke, it fizzled and was thrown back to the ground, leaving a trail of sparks in its wake.
"Someone's stretched a bolt of lightning across the doorway," she observed. "I wonder how far it goes."
Vader and Luke gathered fistfuls of pebbles to find out. By tossing them at the bolt and observing the electrical reaction or lack thereof, they determined that the barrier extended about five meters past each side of the doorway and reached about three meters high. Too high to jump over, and too far to the sides to simply break through the wall and bypass the barrier in that manner. And though there was no means of proving it, Vader was certain it extended underground as well.
"I wonder," Luke murmured. "Hey everyone, watch the elf."
They did. She was hopping in a pattern back and forth through the doorway -- feet apart, feet together, feet apart, left foot raised, feet together, right foot raised, feet apart. Then she'd turn and repeat the steps in the other direction. All the while she sang a child's jingle that was familiar to the two Players:
"Jedi Knights -- in a row.
Jedi Knights -- see them go.
Jedi Knight -- say your prayers.
I hear a Sith -- on the stairs."
"How does she know that song?" Luke wondered. "We sang it all the time back on Tatooine."
"It's a very old song," Vader replied. "I believe it dates back to the time of the Sith Wars."
"What are we supposed to be watching?" demanded Metria.
"Try to memorize her steps," Luke replied. "It may be that you have to imitate her actions to get through. After all, you don't see her getting fried by lightning, do you?"
"By all means, show us how it's done," Vader urged.
"Nuh-UH!" Metria shouted. "You aren't washing out MY Companion, steel-face! YOU show us how its done!"
He stepped forward until he reached a starting point parallel to the elf's, then, with some misgivings, imitated the steps. Feet apart, feet together, feet apart, left foot up...
Then he found himself lying on his back in the grass, limbs tingling with residual energy, and not knowing exactly how he'd gotten there. Jenny was kneeling beside him, shaking him urgently.
"Lord Vader! Are you okay?"
He groaned and sat up. "I must have missed a step."
"But you were doing all the steps!" Jenny protested.
"Sure wish I had a holocamm for that fall you took," Luke smirked. "And I know what you missed. You weren't singing the song."
Vader stared at Luke. "I am NOT repeating that childish ditty."
"Fine, stay out here and lose the game," Luke shot back tartly, turning to the doorway. He sang along with the elf girl and skipped his way into the castle, Metria close behind.
"Better swallow your pride and follow him, Lord Vader," Jenny advised. "There's no other way in."
His pride left a bitter taste in his mouth, but he put it away and grudgingly imitated the elf, song and all. Crossing the barrier gave him an unpleasant if painless buzzing sensation in his skull, but at least he made it through unscathed. Jenny picked up Sammy and followed close behind.
"Okay, we're in," Metria sniffed. "Now what?"
"Now I get to go home!" the elf girl exclaimed, halting in mid-skip. "My year of service is over!" She giggled and ran off.
"All the Magician's servants are people who have asked a question and are making payment," Jenny explained. "But I don't think we have to do service, since we're playing a game."
A woman approached them. She wore a thick veil and had snakes in place of hair. She curtsied politely.
"Hello, Players," she greeted. "I am the Gorgon, Humphrey's wife. Do come in and refresh yourselves. My husband will be with you shortly."
"Who's Humphrey?" asked Luke.
"The Good Magician," Jenny replied.
They entered a kitchen, where a young man and woman were cutting up apples and kneading dough for an apple pie. Apparently no pie trees grew in the vicinity of the castle. The young man looked up and nodded upon seeing them.
"Hi," he greeted. "I'm Hugo, the Good Magician's son. This is my girlfriend Wira."
Vader noted that Wira's eyes seemed to be out of focus. She must have been blinded in an accident, or perhaps she was born blind. It hadn't occurred to him that here, in a land where magic was the rule, a person could still be irreparably blinded or suffer a birth defect. Apparently their worlds weren't as different as they seemed.
"Are you folks hungry?" asked Hugo, tossing an apple to Luke.
"Don't you need this to cook?" inquired Luke.
"Nah, we can easily get more." He opened his hand, and another apple materialized in his palm. "My talent is conjuring fruit."
Everyone sat themselves at the table and helped themselves to Hugo's fruit. He even conjured a milkweed pod and poured the contents into a dish for Sammy.
"Normally the two of you would each be granted a question," the Gorgon explained, indicating Luke and Vader. "But since you worked together to solve the challenges, you will be granted one question between the two of you."
"No problem," Luke muttered through a mouthful of five-pointed starfruit. "We're on the same mission, so we have the same question."
Luke erred in that respect. Vader's mission was to convince Luke to accompany him back to his portion of Mundania. But he was positive he could do that by himself. So for now, he would let Luke's question prevail.
"Very well," the Gorgon replied. "When you're done with lunch, Wira will take you to the Good Magician's study."
Soon Luke and Vader were climbing a massive set of stairs while Jenny and Metria waited on the ground floor. Apparently Humphrey -- the Good Magician -- whoever had yet to learn of Mundanian lifts.
Five floors later, Wira pushed open the door to a musty-smelling room packed to the ceiling with books of all sizes and types. The Good Magician was a short, gnarled, gnomish old man that was almost indistinguishable from the books surrounding him. He was hunched over a particularly massive tome, muttering and peering over his spectacles at the text. For a moment Vader was reminded of Master Yoda.
"What do you want?" he demanded grouchily. Evidently the term "Good Magician" didn't apply to all aspects of the wizard.
"These are the Players, Father Humphrey," Wira explained. "They have passed the challenges and wish to ask you a question."
A feeble but definite smile tried to force its way across the Magician's leathery features and almost succeeded. He really did like the girl, but he had a grumpy front to maintain.
"Where can we find the prize?" asked Luke.
Humphrey flipped another page aside. "Skywalker... Skywalker... prize... location thereof..." He squinted at the page. "The prize must be at the center of your attention," he replied, putting extra emphasis on the second syllable of "center."
They waited expectantly for more.
"Yeah, go on," Luke urged.
"And what?"
"Answer the question," Vader finished.
"I just did."
"What kind of answer is that?" demanded Luke.
"Is that a second question?" asked Humphrey.
Vader had had enough. The last three days had been extremely wearing on his nerves, between Metria, all these headache-inducing puns, and puzzles to be solved every way they turned. To have come so far and be rewarded with such a vague answer only sparked his fury. He stormed forward, past the startled Wira and to the old man. Grabbing the book off his desk, he flung it aside and brought his cybernetic fist down in its place so hard the wood of the desk split. Unfazed, the Good Magician looked up at him and listened calmly as he began raving.
"Magician Humphrey, you cannot give us such a ridiculous answer! We've come too far and struggled too much for you to blow us off! Do you mean to tell us that hiking through kilometers of jungle, crossing the Gap, dealing with deranged machines, skeletons, goblins, ant lions, griffons, and your own spells are to be repayed through some stupid... wordplay?!"
Had the man been one of his subordinates, Vader would have throttled him in a heartbeat. But he only glowered at the Magician as he folded his arms and leaned back in his chair.
"You Skywalkers were always short on patience," Humphrey noted. "Always wanting to rush ahead and do things your way. Not content to just let things happen, to trust in a higher power. No, you have to buck the system and go off on your own darned idealistic crusades."
Shocked, Vader took an involuntary step back. How did he know...
"Perhaps you should stop flapping your mouth and simply trust in your Force, Skywalker." The book fluttered back to his desk of its own accord. "Maybe then the balance will be worked out. And if you must have a better answer -- the center of your attention should be at Lake Eerie."
"Lake what?" Luke asked, but Humphrey had already tuned both of them out.
Most of Xanth looked quaint and bizarre, but the Good Magician's castle had been constructed to look almost like a Corusant skyscraper, though on a smaller scale. Its spired crown flung proud shoulders against the sky. The exterior gleamed with chrome and durasteel, and on every third floor elegant statues stood on ledges and encircled the building. There being eighteen floors in all, there were six sets of statues, the uppermost being hawk-bats and the others, in descending order, massifs, sand panthers, gundarks, krayt dragons, and opee sea killers. These last spouted water from their mouths into a glistening moat. The moat itself was protected by specially-grown spike-topped wallflowers that encircled the castle.
"It's beautiful!" Luke marveled.
Vader frowned. "Why does it look so much like one of our buildings? Is the Good Magician Mundanian?"
"The Good Magician's always remodeling his castle," Jenny explained. "He must have known you were coming."
"He always does," Metria snorted. "That's why he sews the challenges for each person seeking an answer."
"He what?" asked Jenny.
"Stitches, darns, customizes, hand-crafts..."
"Tailors," Luke provided.
"Whatever," Metria snapped.
Vader ground his teeth. The demoness grated severely on his nerves. Hopefully the Magician could point out where the prize was so he could complete the game and be rid of her company shortly.
"What challenges?" asked Luke.
"You have to pass three trials before you can see the Good Magician," Jenny replied. "He does that to make sure only serious questions are brought before him. The year-of-service requirement also ensures this."
Vader nodded. That process weeded out those wishing to ask foolish or trivial questions. Only someone with a great need or important mission would get through and receive an audience with the Good Magician. He made a mental note to implement his own system to block out unnecessary visitors to his palace.
A doorway had been cut into one wallflower, and near it a young woman sat in the grass writing something on a paper wasp. When she saw them approach she popped the flat insect inside a nearby box and stood. Looking to be in her early twenties, she looked fairly nondescript -- short spiky brown-gray hair, blue eyes shielded by glasses, and a body a tactful person would have described as "big-boned."
"Sorry, I'm not allowed to let you enter," she told them.
"We are here to see the Good Magician," Vader told her.
Her eyes went wide with recognition. "Darth Vader!"
Vader was taken aback. "You're Mundanian?"
"Yes, I am. And Luke Skywalker! Very pleased to meet you both! My name's Kenya. Kenya Starflight."
"Pleasure's all ours," Luke replied, shaking her hand.
"You must be part of a Wave," Jenny guessed.
"What Wave?" asked Vader.
"A Wave of Colonization," explained Jenny. "Waves of Mundanians often come into Xanth to settle. There have been fifteen Waves so far, the latest being the Black Wave."
"Actually, I'm just visiting," Kenya corrected. "I've read the books about Xanth and really wanted to visit, but the gateway to Xanth is in Florida. I live in Idaho, and I can't afford the trip. But wishes have a way of coming true, I guess, because I found a way to get here."
"How?" asked Luke.
She grinned as if divulging a juicy secret. "By daydream. The dream realms in Xanth and Mundania must overlap. One day I was fantasizing about visiting Xanth so I could pit my wits against Com Pewter, and a day mare trotted right through."
"A what?" asked Vader.
"A day mare. Night mares and day mares are the horses that deliver dreams. Night mares handle the bad dreams, and day mares handle daydreams and more pleasant dreams. Anyway, I saw the day mare and asked if she could give me a ride while she was at it. She agreed, and here I am! Now I can visit Xanth as often as I want!"
At least she wanted to be here. All Vader wanted was out. "You must be our first challenge."
"Yup. My orders were to let no one through." She winked. "And mind tricks won't work on me, my Lord," she said with a grin, affecting the tone of an Imperial officer.
"What if we were to just tango on through?" asked Metria.
"Just what?" repeated Kenya.
"Cha-cha, samba, disco, swing, dance, moonwalk, hip-hop..."
"Waltz?"
"Whatever."
Kenya clapped her hands. "Here boy! Here Gregory!"
A hideous shriek, and a weird mix of panther and bird-of-prey landed in the doorway. It flexed its talons and eyed the group hungrily.
"Gregory Griffon, serving a year of service to the Good Magician in return for learning the location of his future mate," she introduced. "His orders were to eat anyone who tries to go through the doorway."
"Is there an alternate doorway?" asked Vader.
"Not that I'm aware of."
"Is there some sort of puzzle we must solve before you will allow us through?"
"I wasn't given one. I was just told no one was allowed through."
Realization struck at that moment. "What were the Good Magician's exact words?"
She altered her voice to a gravelly, grouchy-old-man sort of tone. "'Stay at the doorway in the north wallflower and let no one through. Sic the griffon on them if you have to.'"
"No one." He gestured toward their company. "But there are five of us."
"Beg your pardon?"
"There are five of us. Not one, but five. The puzzle was in the wording of your instructions. You cannot let one person inside, but five may enter together. Am I wrong?"
"Dunno," she said with a shrug. "You'll have to test it."
"I have a bad feeling about this," Luke muttered, eyeing the griffon nervously.
"It's now or never, Jaywalker," Metria told him, taking his arm. Jenny took Metria's other arm and hooked her free arm through Vader's. He, in turn, picked up Sammy, and four abreast they strode through the gate, past Gregory and to the shore of the moat.
"Well, he didn't take a bite out of you, so you must have passed the challenge," Kenya observed. "Good luck on your next two!"
"Why is a Mundanian serving the Good Magician?" asked Jenny.
"I'm a writer," she replied. "I wrote mostly Star Wars fan fiction, and I wasn't doing a very good job in my opinion. So I visited the Good Magician and asked him how I could improve my writing. He told me to pick a genre and focus on it. I picked L/V. So far I've written several stories that I think are much better, and I'm still writing."
"What's Star Wars?" asked Luke.
She smiled mysteriously. "Enjoy your next trial!"
Vader regarded the moat critically. There was no bridge, no boat or raft, no visible means of crossing. It didn't appear to be very deep, and he saw no trace of poison or a resident water monster in its glass-clear depths. Could they simply wade across? He doubted it would be that simple, and a sign ordering NO SWIMMING, DIVING, OR WADING confirmed that doubt.
"How do we cross?" wondered Luke.
"I can pop across!" Metria announced, doing just that. "Want me to turn into a bridge and get you across?"
"I think the Companions need to let the Players solve this," Jenny told the demoness.
Vader knelt to inspect the water. He cautiously dipped his hand in, but felt no change. Apparently it was unenchanted. But at the water's edge a curious object caught his eye, and he picked it up. It was a brown cracker with several tiny holes cut in it. Was there something significant about it? Was it a key to the challenge?
An abrupt splash of water hit him full in the masked face, and he looked up to see a sleek gray animal giggle wildly as it swam merrily away.
"A porpoise!" Jenny exclaimed, delighted. "Oh, I've never seen one up close before!"
"Let me guess," Luke quipped. "The porpoise is here for a purpose."
"Oh yes. A purpose always has a porpoise --- uh, a porpoise always has a purpose."
Luke gave a boyish grin. "I never knew puns could be such fun!"
"He who lives by the pun, dies by the pun," Vader remarked, wiping his mask off.
"You're such a killjoy," Luke grumbled.
The porpoise poked its head out of the water and squealed agreement.
"Wait a minute," Luke went on, taking another look at the sign. "If swimming isn't allowed, what's the porpoise doing in there?"
Vader watched the porpoise perform a backward flip. "An excellent point. Why don't you ask it?"
"I don't speak Porpoise-ese," Luke shot back. "Maybe this would have been an advantage of having Grundy as a Companion."
"Perhaps the Good Magician knew neither of us selected the golem and so planned this challenge accordingly," Vader theorized.
"Maybe I can talk to it," Metria volunteered. She changed into a porpoise and dove into the water. "Hey purpose, why..."
Like a torpedo she was spit from the water, landing in a heap on the bank opposite the others. She assumed human form and stood, dripping. "So much for that."
Luke's eyes bulged.
"Metria, put some clothes on," Vader ordered.
"You're not my Player or my boss," Metria sneered, sticking her tongue out until it extended nearly a meter.
"Me-tri-a!" he bellowed.
A dress popped over her body. It was amazing how much such factors as volume and tone could affect someone's authority over another.
"Well, you were still talking human," Jenny pointed out. "Just because you change your shape doesn't mean you can talk the language."
Luke braced himself and stepped into the water. The moat flung him out and against a symme-tree. Jenny attempted to jump in and was similarly ejected. The "no swimming, wading, or diving" rule apparently affected all of them -- except for the porpoise, who laughed maniacally each time one of them got booted.
"There must be a way across," Vader growled, scowling at the porpoise. It chuckled and splashed a flipper-ful of water at him in return.
"Is there an object around here that looks out of place?" Jenny asked. "Often the Good Magician leaves an unusual clue or helpful tool around."
"Out of place?" Metria's head became a set of binoculars as she scanned her surroundings. "I see a handsome young Mundane and his ugly mechanical father, but other than that..."
"This was lying by the bank," Vader told her, handing the cracker to Jenny.
She inspected it. "I've never seen one of these outside a kitchen. It's a graham cracker. I don't know why it's full of holes..."
"Another pun!" Luke exclaimed. "Graham cracker full of holes -- a hole-o-graham!"
Hologram. Holey graham. It did make dumb punnish sense. Luke had a knack for this sort of thing.
"What's a hole-o-graham?" asked Jenny.
"It's a three-dimensional picture produced by a holo-projector," Luke explained. "It's visible, but it's not solid. Sort of like it's made of light..."
"Like Sorceress Iris' talent of illusion!" Jenny exclaimed.
"Yeah, like that."
Vader took the hole-o-graham back and inspected it. One hole seemed slightly larger than the others. He pressed his thumb to it, and a holo of a man with the head of a porpoise appeared before them, about a meter tall and glowing with a bluish light.
"Hello," the holo chirped. "Porpoise-human / human-porpoise translation holo-program at your service."
"That's it!" Metria shouted. "That's our flue!"
"Our what?" asked Luke.
"Chimney, stovepipe, hint, evidence..."
"Clue," Vader replied.
"Whatever."
Luke addressed the holo. "Ask the porpoise why he's able to swim in the moat when there's a no-swimming sign."
The holo turned and exchanged clicks and snickers with the porpoise. "He says," it replied in Basic, "that he has a special permit from the Good Magician to inhabit his moat."
"So all we need is to get a permit and we can cross," Luke mused.
"But we need to cross the moat in order to reach the Good Magician and get a permit," Jenny replied.
It was a circular problem. But Vader knew he could find a way around it. "Does the porpoise's permit allow him to carry someone across?"
Another series of clucks and squawks. "He says that there's nothing in his permit that says he can't take someone across. Just lean over and grab his dorsal fin."
"You did it again, Vader!" Metria cheered, jumping up and down with glee. Vader groaned as Luke stared, transfixed, at the demoness as the activity jostled her front around.
"Luke," he hissed.
"Oh... uh... yeah." He took hold of the porpoise's fin, and it gently pulled him into the water and across the moat.
"Don't worry too much over it," Jenny told Vader. "Demonesses have that effect on most men."
That didn't make him feel any better. He greatly distrusted that slut of a demoness around his son. For a moment he wondered why she didn't affect him like she affected Luke. Maybe it had something to do with her being Luke's Companion. Or maybe he was just immune to her wiles.
Next the porpoise pulled Jenny through the water to the other shore, then carried Sammy across on its back. Finally Vader took the creature's fin in his hand, and the porpoise took him across. Everyone patted themselves dry with towels from a nearby towel tree, then thanked the porpoise. It giggled and waved its flippers in reply.
"I wonder why its here," Luke mused.
"When the demons changed the Kiss-Me River to the Kill-Me River, the porpoises living there had to retreat," Jenny explained. "They're happy creatures and didn't like their home turning nasty. But some got left behind. I suppose this one came to the Good Magician to find his way back to his kind."
"I hope he makes it back soon," Luke said, returning the porpoise's wave.
The boy had a good heart in him. Vader hoped it wasn't too late to drive it out of him. Compassion was a weakness in a Sith.
At last they came to the castle gate. It was wide open, and an elf girl was in the doorway playing some sort of skipping game.
"One of your kind?" Vader asked Jenny.
"No, I'm an elf from the World of Two Moons. This is a Xanth elf." She felt silent, suddenly pensive.
"Excuse me, miss?" asked Luke, trying to address the elf girl. "We're trying to get to the Good Magician..."
A web of electricity crackled across the doorway when Luke tried to step through it. The force of the shock threw him back and into Metria's arms. The elf continued her game, unfazed.
"What was that?" he demanded, stunned.
"Are you okay?" asked Metria. "Let me kiss it better."
"No Me -- " he began, but she had already planted her lips on his. Angrily Vader reached out to grab her by the hair and pull her head away, but his hand passed right through her tresses as if they were a hologram.
"Better?" she asked, pulling away.
Luke squeaked assent and nodded.
"If you do that again..." snarled Vader.
"Are you his Companion?" demanded Metria. "Huh? Do YOU want to kiss him better?"
Luke looked about to lose his breakfast at the thought. Vader didn't blame him.
Jenny picked up a stone and threw it at the door. Upon hitting whatever barrier had shocked Luke, it fizzled and was thrown back to the ground, leaving a trail of sparks in its wake.
"Someone's stretched a bolt of lightning across the doorway," she observed. "I wonder how far it goes."
Vader and Luke gathered fistfuls of pebbles to find out. By tossing them at the bolt and observing the electrical reaction or lack thereof, they determined that the barrier extended about five meters past each side of the doorway and reached about three meters high. Too high to jump over, and too far to the sides to simply break through the wall and bypass the barrier in that manner. And though there was no means of proving it, Vader was certain it extended underground as well.
"I wonder," Luke murmured. "Hey everyone, watch the elf."
They did. She was hopping in a pattern back and forth through the doorway -- feet apart, feet together, feet apart, left foot raised, feet together, right foot raised, feet apart. Then she'd turn and repeat the steps in the other direction. All the while she sang a child's jingle that was familiar to the two Players:
"Jedi Knights -- in a row.
Jedi Knights -- see them go.
Jedi Knight -- say your prayers.
I hear a Sith -- on the stairs."
"How does she know that song?" Luke wondered. "We sang it all the time back on Tatooine."
"It's a very old song," Vader replied. "I believe it dates back to the time of the Sith Wars."
"What are we supposed to be watching?" demanded Metria.
"Try to memorize her steps," Luke replied. "It may be that you have to imitate her actions to get through. After all, you don't see her getting fried by lightning, do you?"
"By all means, show us how it's done," Vader urged.
"Nuh-UH!" Metria shouted. "You aren't washing out MY Companion, steel-face! YOU show us how its done!"
He stepped forward until he reached a starting point parallel to the elf's, then, with some misgivings, imitated the steps. Feet apart, feet together, feet apart, left foot up...
Then he found himself lying on his back in the grass, limbs tingling with residual energy, and not knowing exactly how he'd gotten there. Jenny was kneeling beside him, shaking him urgently.
"Lord Vader! Are you okay?"
He groaned and sat up. "I must have missed a step."
"But you were doing all the steps!" Jenny protested.
"Sure wish I had a holocamm for that fall you took," Luke smirked. "And I know what you missed. You weren't singing the song."
Vader stared at Luke. "I am NOT repeating that childish ditty."
"Fine, stay out here and lose the game," Luke shot back tartly, turning to the doorway. He sang along with the elf girl and skipped his way into the castle, Metria close behind.
"Better swallow your pride and follow him, Lord Vader," Jenny advised. "There's no other way in."
His pride left a bitter taste in his mouth, but he put it away and grudgingly imitated the elf, song and all. Crossing the barrier gave him an unpleasant if painless buzzing sensation in his skull, but at least he made it through unscathed. Jenny picked up Sammy and followed close behind.
"Okay, we're in," Metria sniffed. "Now what?"
"Now I get to go home!" the elf girl exclaimed, halting in mid-skip. "My year of service is over!" She giggled and ran off.
"All the Magician's servants are people who have asked a question and are making payment," Jenny explained. "But I don't think we have to do service, since we're playing a game."
A woman approached them. She wore a thick veil and had snakes in place of hair. She curtsied politely.
"Hello, Players," she greeted. "I am the Gorgon, Humphrey's wife. Do come in and refresh yourselves. My husband will be with you shortly."
"Who's Humphrey?" asked Luke.
"The Good Magician," Jenny replied.
They entered a kitchen, where a young man and woman were cutting up apples and kneading dough for an apple pie. Apparently no pie trees grew in the vicinity of the castle. The young man looked up and nodded upon seeing them.
"Hi," he greeted. "I'm Hugo, the Good Magician's son. This is my girlfriend Wira."
Vader noted that Wira's eyes seemed to be out of focus. She must have been blinded in an accident, or perhaps she was born blind. It hadn't occurred to him that here, in a land where magic was the rule, a person could still be irreparably blinded or suffer a birth defect. Apparently their worlds weren't as different as they seemed.
"Are you folks hungry?" asked Hugo, tossing an apple to Luke.
"Don't you need this to cook?" inquired Luke.
"Nah, we can easily get more." He opened his hand, and another apple materialized in his palm. "My talent is conjuring fruit."
Everyone sat themselves at the table and helped themselves to Hugo's fruit. He even conjured a milkweed pod and poured the contents into a dish for Sammy.
"Normally the two of you would each be granted a question," the Gorgon explained, indicating Luke and Vader. "But since you worked together to solve the challenges, you will be granted one question between the two of you."
"No problem," Luke muttered through a mouthful of five-pointed starfruit. "We're on the same mission, so we have the same question."
Luke erred in that respect. Vader's mission was to convince Luke to accompany him back to his portion of Mundania. But he was positive he could do that by himself. So for now, he would let Luke's question prevail.
"Very well," the Gorgon replied. "When you're done with lunch, Wira will take you to the Good Magician's study."
Soon Luke and Vader were climbing a massive set of stairs while Jenny and Metria waited on the ground floor. Apparently Humphrey -- the Good Magician -- whoever had yet to learn of Mundanian lifts.
Five floors later, Wira pushed open the door to a musty-smelling room packed to the ceiling with books of all sizes and types. The Good Magician was a short, gnarled, gnomish old man that was almost indistinguishable from the books surrounding him. He was hunched over a particularly massive tome, muttering and peering over his spectacles at the text. For a moment Vader was reminded of Master Yoda.
"What do you want?" he demanded grouchily. Evidently the term "Good Magician" didn't apply to all aspects of the wizard.
"These are the Players, Father Humphrey," Wira explained. "They have passed the challenges and wish to ask you a question."
A feeble but definite smile tried to force its way across the Magician's leathery features and almost succeeded. He really did like the girl, but he had a grumpy front to maintain.
"Where can we find the prize?" asked Luke.
Humphrey flipped another page aside. "Skywalker... Skywalker... prize... location thereof..." He squinted at the page. "The prize must be at the center of your attention," he replied, putting extra emphasis on the second syllable of "center."
They waited expectantly for more.
"Yeah, go on," Luke urged.
"And what?"
"Answer the question," Vader finished.
"I just did."
"What kind of answer is that?" demanded Luke.
"Is that a second question?" asked Humphrey.
Vader had had enough. The last three days had been extremely wearing on his nerves, between Metria, all these headache-inducing puns, and puzzles to be solved every way they turned. To have come so far and be rewarded with such a vague answer only sparked his fury. He stormed forward, past the startled Wira and to the old man. Grabbing the book off his desk, he flung it aside and brought his cybernetic fist down in its place so hard the wood of the desk split. Unfazed, the Good Magician looked up at him and listened calmly as he began raving.
"Magician Humphrey, you cannot give us such a ridiculous answer! We've come too far and struggled too much for you to blow us off! Do you mean to tell us that hiking through kilometers of jungle, crossing the Gap, dealing with deranged machines, skeletons, goblins, ant lions, griffons, and your own spells are to be repayed through some stupid... wordplay?!"
Had the man been one of his subordinates, Vader would have throttled him in a heartbeat. But he only glowered at the Magician as he folded his arms and leaned back in his chair.
"You Skywalkers were always short on patience," Humphrey noted. "Always wanting to rush ahead and do things your way. Not content to just let things happen, to trust in a higher power. No, you have to buck the system and go off on your own darned idealistic crusades."
Shocked, Vader took an involuntary step back. How did he know...
"Perhaps you should stop flapping your mouth and simply trust in your Force, Skywalker." The book fluttered back to his desk of its own accord. "Maybe then the balance will be worked out. And if you must have a better answer -- the center of your attention should be at Lake Eerie."
"Lake what?" Luke asked, but Humphrey had already tuned both of them out.