THE JOKER VERSUS GRANDMA. 

Grandma Tracy looked around the bedroom that was now part of her home. She'd been here two days now and had been champing at the bit to commence her duties. The only obstacle she'd had to overcome was that of her son, who'd been implacable in his insistence that she rest after her ordeal on the San Miguel Bridge. In her opinion she'd fared better than her youngest grandson Alan, at the hands of Gomez and Gillespie. Not that that had cut any ice with her son, no, he had still be resolute on the matter, and just this once she'd humoured him. But enough was enough, and now she was impatient to begin her domestic duties, the duties she was to share with Jeff's retainer, Kyrano, a man of impeccable standards, integrity and loyalty. A man well versed in the culinary arts, among his other talents. Examining her appearance in the full length mirror, she smoothed down her grey dress and checked her watch, 8.00am, time begin breakfast.

********

Kyrano had shown her over the state of the art kitchen the previous evening, pointing out where everything was kept. And as she stood in the kitchen taking in the gleaming work surfaces, the high class appliances, cupboards for every conceivable paraphernalia, she smiled. She just knew she was going to like living and working here. Rolling up her sleeves she walked over to the food cupboards……..

"Oh; hi Grandma."

Mrs. Tracy whirled round. "Gordon Tracy! Don't you know better than to go sneaking up on a body like that? What are you doing in here at this time anyway, is your stomach so impatient it can't wait half an hour?"

"Sorry Grandma; didn't mean to startle you." Gordon grinned boyishly and hugged the lady who had given him many a cuff round the ear, yet only came up to his chest.

"Get away with you." She smiled; her pleasure evident at her Grandson's display of affection. "If you want to make yourself useful, why don't you set the table for breakfast."

"Sure thing Grandma."

It was Mrs. Tracy's intention to make a start on breakfast, but the next sentence her Grandson uttered halted her. "What did you say? I don't believe it!"

"It's true Gran'; sorry." Gordon said, as Mrs. Tracy marched over to one of the cupboards.

"It can't be……." She said, pulling open a cupboard door, "it just can't be," she reiterated, pulling open another.

"Food beetles got into everything," Gordon explained, "We had no option but to incinerate the lot."

"What, ALL of it?"

"Yes Grandma, everything."

"It can't be……oh my!" she whispered as she dashed around the huge kitchen, yanking open cupboard doors. The truth of Gordon's statement starting to sink in as the evidence of her eyes revealed one empty cupboard after another. She hastened over to the pantry, 'there'd be dry supplies in there, fresh ones too'. But no, the pantry was as bare as the cupboards, with the exception of half a dozen tins of rice-pudding and prunes plus an equal number of processed peas.…the fridge. Rushing over, she yanked opened the fridge door, "Surely they didn't get in here too?"

"Yes Gran', must have snuck in on some of the other supplies. The whole place was riddled with the little suckers. We had no choice…..."

"What am I going to do for breakfast?" she cut across him, rubbing her hands down the sides of her dress, in a real fluster.

Gordon watched the vying emotions cross her face, his own steeled against the grin that was barely contained.

"There must be some food in this place…..we had dinner last night……..the freezer!"

"Kyrano will be doing his weekly shop on Friday, as for the freezer; weeell we have some supplies left………but not much."

Mrs Tracy saw how little and what there was of it. "There's nothing here that's suitable for breakfast," she murmured, eyeing the pitiful contents.

"Is this all we have left?"

"The freezer supplies are due to arrive at the end of the month, according to Kyrano."

"As if that helps. What am I going to do now?"

Gordon shrugged, "You'll just have to make do, don't worry Grandma, you'll think of something, it's what I've always loved about you, your ability to conjure up something out of nothing. Well; that's the kitchen table laid, I'll leave you to it, just give us a shout when breakfast's ready."

For all of one minute Grandma Tracy stared at the empty space where her medal winning Grandson had been, at the table neatly laid with eight place settings (Kyrano preferred his on his own terrace), with the words "conjure something out of nothing" ringing in her ears. 'Breakfast; they'll all be in here in a minute……what am I going to do?' Agitated, she double checked the cupboards in the hope something had been overlooked. But a second scout merely emphasized the depressingly empty cupboards, fridge and freezer. She stood in the kitchen feeling impotent…..'Voices!'

"Good morning mother." Mrs Tracy barely registered the kiss on her cheek; her eyes were on the disappointed faces of her grandsons as they trooped in looking at their empty plates.

"Mother? Are you alright?" Jeff's warm blue eyes narrowed at his parent's distracted air, his gaze registering the empty plates, and no sign of breakfast even having commenced. "Sit down mother, I'll get you a cup of coffee. 'I knew it was too soon after their ordeal…..if only she wasn't so stubborn all the time.' "What the! Where on earth have you put the coffee mother?"

"Why Jeff, it had to be incinerated……along with all the rest of the stuff." She watched his jaw drop as he came over and stood in front of her, shaking his head as if to clear it. "Want to run that by me again?"

"Incinerated?" Virgil and Alan exchanged quizzical looks.

"What are you talking about Grandma?" questioned Scott.

Mrs. Tracy looked into the anxious faces of her son and grandsons, "The food beetles."

More looks were exchanged. "The what?"

"You know, didn't Kyrano tell you?"

Patiently, as if addressing a child, Jeff took his mother's hand, "Listen mother, why don't you go back to bed. I'll bring you a cup of tea. You need to rest. It's too soon after your ordeal. The sun was very hot on that bridge; it can do strange things without you knowing it."

"Jefferson Tracy, I may creak a bit…….. at my age I'm entitled to, but there is nothing wrong with my mind…… is there?"

"Of course not mother, you just need more time, that's all. Now go back to bed."

"You'll do breakfast?"

"Yes; I'll make breakfast…..ah; Kyrano. Your timing's perfect."

"Mr. Tracy. I can be of some assistance?"

"Would you mind making a start on breakfast, until I get back, I'm just going to assist my mother back to her room."

"You are not well Mrs. Tracy?"

"My son feels it's too soon after my ordeal on that bridge……the sun you know."

Kyrano nodded. "Most wise Mrs. Tracy. These things should not be rushed."

"Anything we can do Dad-Grandma?"

What Jeff or his mother would have answered was lost by the exclamation Kyrano uttered.  Every head turned in his direction.

"Mrs. Tracy; you have put the food supplies somewhere?"

"'Course I haven't Kyrano, it's those food beetles."

"Huh?"

The combination of mystified expressions had her snapping, "That's why there's no food."

"No food?"

"If you keep that up I'll think I'm not the only one who's had too much sun. Of course there isn't, it got incinerated."

"You incinerated the food Mother?" Jeff ignored the sharp intakes of breath from his sons. His eyes flicked from his mother to his retainer, his face growing increasingly dumbstruck as Kyrano came up empty handed after scouring every cupboard, an action registered by the rest of the family.

"Now wait a minute," Scott's own alarm was registering, "isn't there any food left?"

"You can't have cremated it all!" Alan gasped.

"Not me! Kyrano!" Mrs. Tracy retorted.

"I have not touched the provisions Mrs. Tracy."

"Mother?"

"Don't look at me. I haven't burned them. I may have had a touch to much sun, but I'm not addled."

"Grandma, what was that you said about food beetles?"  Virgil's calm voice cut in.

"That's why the food had to be destroyed in the first place; it was full of the varmints….. Gordon said so."  

And that was when it registered, not gently, not gradually, but with the speed of a Mach 4 jet. Mrs Tracy was only a micro second behind her son in reaching her own conclusion. Every head snapped round to the medal winner sat at the table, running his finger round the neckline of his tee-shirt, his eyes dancing merrily as his body jerked with silent laughter.

"Why you……"

"Mother; I'll handle this. Gordon?"

Gordon stood up, sobering reluctantly. "Okay; okay. I admit it. I emptied the cupboards and pretended we had an outbreak of food beetles, good one don't you think? I had Grandma buying it hook line and sinker."

"Those supplies had better not be damaged."

"What's up Scott did your stomach nearly have a heart attack at the thought of going a whole morning without food?" Gordon was so busy relishing his joke he missed the gleam in his grandmother's eyes.

'Tangle with me would you young man……well just you wait…..'

********

That evening:

"Now don't you go giving me that look young man, you should be thanking your lucky stars I managed to salvage anything out of those supplies you dumped in the basement."

Gordon could sense his family's accordance, without the evidence of the smirks directed at him.

"I don't see how all the food got ruined…." he grumbled.

"Well it did."

"…..including the frozen stuff."

"What did you expect!"

"What about the eggs?"

"They got crushed when the frozen food melted and fell on them. Now just be grateful a managed to make something out of the mess that was left."

"But rissoles Grandma? Surely you could have made something else apart from spinach rissoles?"

Mrs. Tracy watched as her Grandson pushed his food around.

"Get them eaten."

"I hate spinach!"

"Wasn't it you who said you loved me for my ability to conjure something up out of nothing, well that's just what I've done."

"But spinach Grandma?"

"You need your iron."

"Couldn't I just have the rissoles without the spinach, I don't mind going without my iron, it won't kill me."

'No, but I might.' "Gordon Tracy as you were so quick to point out to me, 'you'll have to make do.' I can't be wasting food, just because your palate happens to be finicky." This brought forth a gusto of sniggering and Gordon glared around the table. "Now get it eaten, there'll be nothing else 'til you do."

"What is for dessert Gran'?"

"Not that you deserve any, but tinned rice pudding and prunes." She stifled a grin as Gordon's face dropped even further.

"But Grandma I hate rice pudding and prunes even more than I hate spinach." he groaned, as the second course was brought to the table.

"Well you should have thought of that when you tampered with those food supplies……oh and Gordon?"

Gordon looked up.

"Make the best of it, because that's the menu until Friday."

His horrified expression amused her.

Watching his son's eyes lock onto Kyrano Jeff forestalled him, "Don't even think of asking Kyrano to shop early. Gordon knew from the warning look on his father's face it would be futile to argue, but that didn't stop him. "I could go if you like." He said, twiddling with the salt shaker.

"As a way of making amends because your prank backfired and ruined our food supplies?"

Gordon nodded.

"No!"

"Anymore rice pudding anyone? Gordon; you've hardly touched yours." Grandma Tracy scolded.

Gordon grimaced; pushing aside his bowl, his expression brightening as he suddenly remembered the half pack of biscuits under his bed. Making an excuse he left the table.

"Whew, I thought he was never going to leave," Scott said for all of them

 "Kyrano, keep your eyes peeled." Kyrano bowed and smiled as the matriarch of the family headed for the kitchen, returning seconds later with a covered salver.

"Here mother, allow me." Jeff said, taking the tray and lifting the lid to reveal the mouth-watering pre-cooked dinner. "Take it easy boys, there's plenty to go round." Jeff said in response to the awaiting plates, thrust eagerly forward.

"And plenty of seconds." added Mrs. Tracy.

"That was an ingenious touch of yours mother to suggest the supplies really had been ruined, and by ants of all things."

"You certainly fooled Gordon." Alan chimed in. "Don't stint on the roast beef Dad, and I'll have a generous helping of those potatoes too Grandma."

Across the table mother and son exchanged glances, grinning.

********  

The inspiration for this story came about because many years ago my darling husband hid all the food in our house (every last scrap) and told me he'd taken pity on a homeless tramp and given him all the weekly shop I'd just bought in. I didn't believe him, but a quick scout through the cupboards had me in a real panic. I didn't mind sharing some of it, but all of it? We had no money left to buy any more and I was panic stricken. My husband stood there grinning like a Cheshire cat when he finally took pity on me and confessed……and yes, I let him live!

Tin-Tin's story is next, and she's left with some weighty issues after her clash with Gordon.