Dumbledore's story.
"The year was 1989, and your parents had been blissfully married for three months and eight days. One day Lily decided that she wanted to have a baby. That evening the following conversation took place.
'James, sit down. I have something I want to say to you.'
James sat down.
'What is it?' he asked.
'I want to have a baby. With you.'
'Lily I have to tell you something. I can't have children.'
'Why not?' she gasped.
'Because if we have a son, he might turn out like me, and you don't want that. Do you? Do you? DOOOO YOOOOUUU?'
'That's a chance I'm willing to take. I want children James, and if you don't give them to me, someone else will!'
'And what's that supposed to mean?'
'It means I don't have patience for your silliness. You don't want to drive me into the arms of another man, do you?'
'Don't be ridiculous. What other man would take a midget like you? You're four foot two for heaven's sake!'
'That hurts James. And I can tell you who. Perhaps a man like Sirius!'
'You mean Sirius Black? My best friend? [You can see where Harry gets his startling intelligence from] was there ever something between you?'
'No I'm just saying that there might be.'
'Oh my god! I don't believe that my wife's having an affair with my best friend! [See what I mean?]'
'No I just said that I'm not! Don't you listen?'
'um.,.'
'I can't take this anymore! I'm leaving!'
'But when will you come back?'
'I don't know. Maybe never. Goodbye.'
And she left without looking back.
"Lily did not know where to turn. She couldn't go to her family, because they were all bastards."
"Professor Dumbledore!" objected Harry, "that's a bad word!"
"Oh yes. So it is. Sorry m'dear."
"Well, that's ok. But don't do it again!"
"Ok. Now where was I? Oh yes. Your mother had left your father. And didn't know where to turn. Looking in her address book, it fell open on 'H'; the first name she saw was Rubeus Hagrid. So she decided to pay him a visit, and see if she could stay the night there. So she took the knight bus to Hagrid's hut, and knocked on the door.
"Upon opening the door, Hagrid was confronted with a rather bedraggled and cold-looking Lily Potter. She looked like she was on the verge of tears.
'Aaar, Lily, What are you doin' 'ere?'
'I.,. I just had a fight with James, and I didn't know where to turn.'
'Well come on in then love!'
And indeed she did 'come on in', indeed she did. Hagrid gave your mother some tea with a couple of drops of brandy in it, to warm her up, and they sat down at the table. She poured out her misery to him, and as the evening progressed, they drank more and more brandy and less and less tea. By one in the morning, she was completely hammered. [Imagine Dumbledore telling you that you mother was completely hammered nine months before your birth with a half giant of whom she was very fond. Scary, no?]
The morning after the night before, Lily was very worried. She couldn't remember a thing about last night.
'Um, last night, we didn't.,. um.,. did we?'
'Aaar, I don' rightly know to be honest wicha'.'
Lily rushed about the hut trying to find her clothes and out of the door in a blind panic. Hagrid called something about breakfast after her.
"So your mother went to the doctor's and discovered to her infinite horror, that she was pregnant."
"What are you saying?" inquired Harry.
"What I'm saying, dear boy, is that you are the result of a whirlwind affair between lily Potter and Rubeus Hagrid!" cried Dumbledore.
"What are you implying?"
"Listen very carefully, Harry. And look at me. Hagrid, knocked up, your mother." He said very slowly.
Harry looked thoughtful for a while then gasped.
"You mean.,. Professor Quirrell was working for Voldemort all along!?"
"Harry that was four years ago. Get a grip."
"You mean.,. Hagrid's my mother!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
"FATHER, Harry, FATHER!"
"You mean.,. Hagrid's my FATHER?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
Dumbledore started a slow clap.
"Well you got there in the end, Harry, that's all that matters really."
Bum Bum BUUUUUUM!
[It was so exciting I broke my two-week-old-ice-lolly stick]
* * * * *
Thanks again to Faith for typing this out for me.
"The year was 1989, and your parents had been blissfully married for three months and eight days. One day Lily decided that she wanted to have a baby. That evening the following conversation took place.
'James, sit down. I have something I want to say to you.'
James sat down.
'What is it?' he asked.
'I want to have a baby. With you.'
'Lily I have to tell you something. I can't have children.'
'Why not?' she gasped.
'Because if we have a son, he might turn out like me, and you don't want that. Do you? Do you? DOOOO YOOOOUUU?'
'That's a chance I'm willing to take. I want children James, and if you don't give them to me, someone else will!'
'And what's that supposed to mean?'
'It means I don't have patience for your silliness. You don't want to drive me into the arms of another man, do you?'
'Don't be ridiculous. What other man would take a midget like you? You're four foot two for heaven's sake!'
'That hurts James. And I can tell you who. Perhaps a man like Sirius!'
'You mean Sirius Black? My best friend? [You can see where Harry gets his startling intelligence from] was there ever something between you?'
'No I'm just saying that there might be.'
'Oh my god! I don't believe that my wife's having an affair with my best friend! [See what I mean?]'
'No I just said that I'm not! Don't you listen?'
'um.,.'
'I can't take this anymore! I'm leaving!'
'But when will you come back?'
'I don't know. Maybe never. Goodbye.'
And she left without looking back.
"Lily did not know where to turn. She couldn't go to her family, because they were all bastards."
"Professor Dumbledore!" objected Harry, "that's a bad word!"
"Oh yes. So it is. Sorry m'dear."
"Well, that's ok. But don't do it again!"
"Ok. Now where was I? Oh yes. Your mother had left your father. And didn't know where to turn. Looking in her address book, it fell open on 'H'; the first name she saw was Rubeus Hagrid. So she decided to pay him a visit, and see if she could stay the night there. So she took the knight bus to Hagrid's hut, and knocked on the door.
"Upon opening the door, Hagrid was confronted with a rather bedraggled and cold-looking Lily Potter. She looked like she was on the verge of tears.
'Aaar, Lily, What are you doin' 'ere?'
'I.,. I just had a fight with James, and I didn't know where to turn.'
'Well come on in then love!'
And indeed she did 'come on in', indeed she did. Hagrid gave your mother some tea with a couple of drops of brandy in it, to warm her up, and they sat down at the table. She poured out her misery to him, and as the evening progressed, they drank more and more brandy and less and less tea. By one in the morning, she was completely hammered. [Imagine Dumbledore telling you that you mother was completely hammered nine months before your birth with a half giant of whom she was very fond. Scary, no?]
The morning after the night before, Lily was very worried. She couldn't remember a thing about last night.
'Um, last night, we didn't.,. um.,. did we?'
'Aaar, I don' rightly know to be honest wicha'.'
Lily rushed about the hut trying to find her clothes and out of the door in a blind panic. Hagrid called something about breakfast after her.
"So your mother went to the doctor's and discovered to her infinite horror, that she was pregnant."
"What are you saying?" inquired Harry.
"What I'm saying, dear boy, is that you are the result of a whirlwind affair between lily Potter and Rubeus Hagrid!" cried Dumbledore.
"What are you implying?"
"Listen very carefully, Harry. And look at me. Hagrid, knocked up, your mother." He said very slowly.
Harry looked thoughtful for a while then gasped.
"You mean.,. Professor Quirrell was working for Voldemort all along!?"
"Harry that was four years ago. Get a grip."
"You mean.,. Hagrid's my mother!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
"FATHER, Harry, FATHER!"
"You mean.,. Hagrid's my FATHER?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
Dumbledore started a slow clap.
"Well you got there in the end, Harry, that's all that matters really."
Bum Bum BUUUUUUM!
[It was so exciting I broke my two-week-old-ice-lolly stick]
* * * * *
Thanks again to Faith for typing this out for me.